Unshackling the Shame of Her Parents Overdose Deaths: Lauren Sisler #163

Highlights

• Lauren’s “idyllic” early life  (2:39)
• Making the transition to college (5:34)
• The tragedy that changed her life (11:43)
• The unthinkable second tragedy when she came home (15:38)
• Beginning to learn how her parents died … and she couldn’t face the truth (19:20)
• The blessings of her journey since her parents’ deaths (26:19)
• How the truth set her free (36:25)
• The importance of offering understanding to others (39:32)
• Her upcoming book (45:37)
• The evolution of the Sidelines Shimmy (47:50)
• Her mission in her career and life (52:12)

Transcript

Warwick Fairfax:

Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I’m Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible.

Lauren Sisler:

They get in the car and we start driving. And at this point it was just tears, nobody really said anything. And then finally, as we start driving, I said to my Uncle Mike, I said, “Uncle Mike,” I said, “I just want to see my dad. Where’s my dad?” And then he pulled the car off the side of the road as you take the exit ramp back onto the Interstate. And I just remember feeling that gravel underneath the car crunching as he put it into park. And he turned around and he looked at me and he said, “Lauren, I’m sorry, but your dad’s passed away too.”

Gary Schneeberger:

In the moment she just described, Lauren Sisler learned she had lost her father just hours after she had lost her mother. Having come home to grieve one parent, she was hit with the news that the other had died too. And she had no idea how any of it had happened.

Hi, I’m Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. This week, Warwick and I speak with Sisler, a freshman gymnast at Rutgers University at the time in 2003, who was not only hit with the unfathomable news of the deaths of her mom and dad, but the shame she couldn’t shake after she learned how they died: from prescription drug overdoses. It would take her years to break free from what she calls the shackles of that shame, keeping the truth to herself even as she launched a successful career as a sideline reporter for college football and gymnastics on ESPN and the SEC network. But as she began to share the true story of her parents’ deaths, she discovered she could transfer the hope and healing she experienced in facing those hard truths to the audiences that heard her speaking.

Warwick Fairfax:

Lauren, thanks so much for being here. It’s an honor to have you. Before we get into a lot of what you do, and I love the book that you have coming out, How I Found My Sideline Shimmy, listeners, you’ll have to listen to kind of understand more about that, you might already know, but we will discuss that more. But just in the work you do and the speaking, I love what you talk about, about fall in love with your story, and you have a choice in terms of how we deal with crucibles. So you really have an important mission that you have for people and it’s on your heart.

But I’d love just to hear a little bit about how you grew up, I understand you grew up in Roanoke, Virginia, which is… Those of us in the Washington D.C. area are somewhat familiar with the end of the Shenandoah Valley, and it’s far Southwestern corner of Virginia, I guess? But tell us about what life was like for you growing up in Roanoke, and dreams, and any, maybe, clues to what you were to do afterwards. So yeah, just tell us a bit about your background.

Lauren Sisler:

Thank you so much for this opportunity to join you all. I love the podcast, and just love your mission and vision as well for helping others to overcome some of those obstacles that, obviously, stand in the way of our lives. And we’re all faced with them in one way, shape, or form. And I’m just thankful for this opportunity to be a voice in this space. And yeah, you talk about Virginia, which I happen to be in Virginia right now. I live in Birmingham, Alabama full-time. But I was very fortunate to be visiting family, as I’ve got life things happening, including a baby on the way later this June. And so the opportunity to be here, flooded by the beautiful mountains of southwest Virginia, is always amazing for me, and just love to come back home, because this is a place that is close to my heart, that I will always call home, no matter where the TV world takes me, which has taken me all over the place in the last several years, more than a decade of just traveling, bebopping around, dancing around the country.

But nevertheless, growing up in Roanoke, Virginia, I was very fortunate to live in a family. It was my mom and my dad, Lesley and Butch. His real name was George, but for some reason he hated the name George, so he went by Butch. I’m not really sure why, could never figure it out. His dad was also named George, and his dad hated the name George, and he went by Preston, the middle name. So nevertheless, we all come up with something. But yeah, my mom and dad, Lesley and Butch Sisler, and then my brother Allen, who is two-and-a-half years older than me. And we grew up in Roanoke, Virginia, as mentioned. And we were just that crazy busy family, always on the go, always doing different things throughout life.

Sports was at the center of all that. Sports was definitely the flagstone in the family, where we wake up in the morning, and Saturdays it was college football, Sundays we had Washington on the TV, so there you go. That was always the big thing. It was always the big rivalry between Washington and Dallas. So, certainly enjoyed watching the NFL as well. And then NASCAR was really big in our family, so we used to go to the racetrack a lot, whether it be Martinsville, which is the closest track to our home in Roanoke. Sometimes we’d go to Charlotte. But even cooler is that my brother was actually on a pit crew at the NRV Speedway, the New River Valley Speedway here. And so we spent a lot of Saturdays going out there, setting up our lawn chairs on these cement slabs, watching my brother down there in the pits do his thing, and getting to watch the stock cars race there at the quarter mile track.

So sports was definitely embedded in our family at a very young age. For me, it was kind of that good American family, living the dream. I feel like my parents were very supportive of my brother and I through our athletics. And he was a three sport athlete, my brother was football, baseball, and basketball, and kind of played those sports when he was younger. And then me over here, the gymnast, gymnastics was a sport that caught on very early, at an early age for me. And that really just became my sport, and something I thrived in, I grew up in, and really just became dedicated to it over the years. And so that really just became my main focus throughout elementary school, junior high, and high school, on into college.

Warwick Fairfax:

So, obviously we’ll get to your crucible in college, but it sounds like, as listeners are hearing your story, it almost sounds… I think there’s no such thing as a perfect upbringing, a 10 out of 10, but I don’t know if it was a 9.9 or felt like it was… Did it feel like it was pretty good? As you look back, I don’t know if there were any clues to some of the storm clouds that were to come, but it sounds somewhat idyllic as we’re listening to you?

Lauren Sisler:

Very much so. And I think that’s probably the hardest part as we dive into that part of the story, is that you’re young. When we’re young, let’s be real, we’re naive, and parents are really good at sweeping stuff under the rug, making things seem great and perfect, and everything’s fine and well. And I will say there were a lot of those moments. There were a lot of those years. My parents, I would say, were just super supportive of my brother and I. My mom worked part-time most of her life so that she could take care of my brother and I, get us to our athletic events, was very involved. And so she really sacrificed a lot, because I think she really took being a mother to heart. She wanted to be a wife and a mother, and she made those sacrifices. And maybe she wasn’t making the large paychecks, but it was enough to be able to help us and not have to put us in childcare situation throughout our adolescence and into teenage years. So with that being said, I think that everything on the outside, seemingly, was perfect.

Warwick Fairfax:

It seemed like life was unfolding pretty well. You’re a freshman at Rutgers, doing gymnastics. It was probably a new adventure, different place than where you grew up, and life seemed pretty good. And I think you came home one time… Well actually, before you came home, just talk about that freshman year, and life changed forever during that freshman year, which, going into that freshman year, you felt like continuation of what was a great life. Gymnastics in college, great college. So just talk about how that life pivoted for you then.

Lauren Sisler:

Yeah, so going to Rutgers, obviously eight hours from home, it wasn’t super close, but enough for my parents to jump in the car and come visit, and for me to get home, jump on a train or a plane. Going to Rutgers, yes, let’s be real, bit of a culture shock going from Southwest Virginia to New Jersey. And I had to remind people as soon as I stepped foot on campus and opened my mouth, people are like, “You’re not from around here, are you?” And I’m like, “Oh my God, what gave that away?” And I think my accent has probably gotten a little better being in the broadcasting world, because I’ve had to really learn to enunciate things a little better, and not maybe have as much of a drawl. But I do think the Southern will never be taken out of me, that’s for sure. And especially now being in Alabama, some people argue that Virginia’s not really the South, but I consider Virginia very much the South, especially this part of the state.

But nevertheless, it was a bit of a culture shock, but it was so exciting. As you mentioned, the world is right there in front of me. It’s an extension of high school. Yes, there were challenges. Yes, there were major adjustments, like any student experiences going from high school to college, and all of the classwork and dedication. And, of course, and the training in the gym. Gymnastics becomes a full-time job, right? We’re training 20 hours a week on top of our schoolwork. So you’re adding that extra 20 hours of work on top of your grades and your curriculum. And so it was certainly an adjustment, but I was living the dream. I had dreamed of earning that college scholarship for so many years, and here I was living it out, and trying to navigate this new world.

And I think the one thing that I point out to people is that even when I went off to Rutgers, my relationship with my parents did not change. We talked every single day, burn up those phone lines. Because it was important to me to have that relationship with my parents, and they were very invested in me as well, in my career at Rutgers. And so my mom knew everything there was to know about gymnastics. So she was kind of the Gary in this group, right? So she was the one that knew everything there was to know; every single skill, a play by play, she wanted to know it all. So every day we had conversations, “I’m working on this new skill, this combination.” And there was a lot of excitement, and that was an excitement for her.

And then my father, truth be told, he knew a good bit about gymnastics, but he was one of those that just showed up and cheered really loud. And for him, it was always a struggle. I go back and watch these old VHS tapes of me competing, and you just hear him whistling and screaming, “Yeah, let’s go Lauren!” And he’ll commentate. But the best part about it is he’ll be like, “Okay, Lauren. Lauren’s about to go on the balance beam.” And yet I’m on the bars. He just never could get it straight. And I don’t understand. And I’m like, “Dad, what are you doing?” His commentary is quite comical when I look back at it.

But nevertheless, we still had that close relationship. And so it really helped to have that support, especially when you transition from high school to college, and it’s definitely a shock to the system. And so I felt like I was still very rooted back at home with my family and my parents. And so as we talk about getting into that second semester at Rutgers, we were about to approach midterms. I’d been studying for those exams. And this particular night on March 23rd, 2003, called my parents like I always did. Picked up the phone. My mom was excited to hear about this new combination I was working on on bars. And then I had talked to my dad briefly, and he had just celebrated his 52nd birthday. And I remember him telling me that he was so proud of me, and to keep working hard. And that was the end of our conversation. It was like most, 10, 15, 20 minutes. We hung up the phone, said our goodbyes, said our I love yous.

And I remember just setting my alarm clock that night thinking nothing of anything. Life is great, life is wonderful. I’m going to go in and crush these midterm exams hopefully, and that’ll be it. And so I set my alarm clock, drifted off to sleep, and then woke up to the phone ringing. And of course, looking outside, I realized it was dark out. So that, of course, alarmed me a little bit. And then looked at the clock and it was just after 3:00 AM. And as I went to go grab the phone on the receiver that was sitting on my desk, I look at the caller ID and it said “Home”, and that’s when I knew something had to be wrong, because it’s the middle of the night. Why are Mom and Dad calling me?

And so when I answered the phone, with hesitation, my father on the other end said, “Lauren, I need to talk to your brother.” Well, my brother, at the time, was stationed in Norfolk, Virginia in the Navy. He was a parachute rigger there. And I could tell that my dad was in distress, and I didn’t know if something was wrong with Dad, I didn’t know something was wrong with Mom, if it was my brother, and I was just like, “Okay.” I said, “Dad, what’s wrong?” And he said, “Lauren, I just need to talk to your brother.” So he wasn’t giving me any information. And so I found my brother’s phone number, recited it back to him. My dad said, “I’ll call you back as soon as I talk to your brother.” And I hung up the phone.

And then no more than 30 seconds goes by and I get a call back from my dad, and he was on the other end, and he said, “Lauren, your mom died.” And I was just very caught off guard by it because, again, I had just talked to my mom. My mom’s 45 years old, it’s the middle of the night. And all of a sudden I’m thinking, “What do you mean, Mom died? This makes no sense to me.” And I kind of begged him to explain, give me an explanation.

And in many ways, I think I was trying to almost wake myself up, like, “Wake up, wake up, this has got to be a nightmare. It’s got to be a nightmare.” He said, “Lauren, I can’t explain it now. I need you to get on the next plane you can, and I’ll be at the airport to pick you up in Roanoke.” And so, of course, I just was shocked, I was stunned. And then I go into panic mode, “Okay, I got to get stuff together, what am I going to do?”

But as I’m kind of taking in this information I had just learned, my roommate even had woken up from her deep sleep, comes running over as she sees me slunk over on the floor crying, and starts shaking me and says, “Lauren, Lauren, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.” So she thought I was, in fact, having a nightmare. And, unfortunately, it was a nightmare, but it was reality. And so, as you can imagine, being an 18 year old suddenly just trying to piece together this news that I had received, and then ultimately just wanting to do nothing more than to get home and be with my father. That’s all I wanted in that time, in that moment, is just to be home, and to get home to my dad.

Warwick Fairfax:

So, you got on the plane, and you landed in Roanoke, but yet, I guess, the unexpected was to continue. What happened next when you got to Roanoke?

Lauren Sisler:

So, when my plane touched down and I run outside, I’m expecting my dad to be there. And I’m looking everywhere and I don’t see him. And so I stand out there for a few minutes, and then next thing you know, I see a Jeep Cherokee pull up, and out jumps my uncle and my cousin, Justin. And, of course, I’m very confused at this point, because I’m thinking, “All right, my dad was supposed to be here.” But then my brain just starts jogging all these things. “He’s at the hospital, he’s probably still on his way. They didn’t want me to sit here and have to wait forever. So, because my uncle and my cousin both lived in Roanoke, so it was much closer to the airport, my father had over an hour drive…” So, I’m kind of rationalizing all these thoughts in my mind, in this matter of seconds.

And then they get in the car and we start driving. And at this point, it was just tears. Nobody really said anything. And then finally, as we start driving, I said to my Uncle Mike, I said, “Uncle Mike,” I said, “I just want to see my dad. Where’s my dad?” And then he pulled the car off the side of the road, as you take the exit ramp back onto the Interstate. And I just remember feeling that gravel underneath the car crunching as he put it into park. And he turned around and he looked at me and he said, “Lauren, I’m sorry, but your dad’s passed away too.”

Warwick Fairfax:

It’s hard to know – to begin to know – how to, obviously, process, or… Because at this point, you didn’t know what had happened. You knew they’d passed, but you didn’t know why, how. It almost felt like, as bad as that was, it felt like it got worse, in a sense. How could it be worse than two parents passing? Well, I don’t know. Listening to your story a bit, it feels like it did. How could it have gotten worse? But yet, you were to learn how it happened. I don’t know how you process any of what you went through, but is that fair? In some ways, it got worse the more you learned?

Lauren Sisler:

Yeah, and I think the stages of grief really have an interesting way of taking us in. And I think, for me, it was that initial shock. But then, to your point, now you’ve got to pick all these pieces up. You have to lay both your parents to rest, who just passed away five hours apart from each other. You have zero answers as to what happened. And you’re just sitting here wondering, “Okay, what next? How am I going to do this? I’m 18 years old, I don’t have a penny to my name. I’ve got nothing. What am I going to do?” And I think it’s all these questions, and it’s this shock, and it’s this pain, and there’s this grief, and, in many ways, anger.

But those emotions don’t really hit you all at once, right? It starts out with almost that breathlessness. “Did I just hear this right? Is this possible? What just happened?” And then, as time goes on, days, weeks, months, and even years, you start to transcend into that grief stage and then that anger, the, “Why, why, why, why, why? How did this happen?” And then, to your point, Warwick, is that I think the hardest part is, is that there were so many questions as to how this could happen to the two of my parents, so suddenly, with literally not much information to go off of.

And so with this process, they have to do toxicology reports, and they have to do the death certificates, and I’ll figure all this out. Well, what’s crazy about it is the coroner’s office has 90 days to complete this process. So we, as a family, sit here for 90 days, just wondering. “Okay, what was it? What happened?”

But behind closed doors, conversations were already being had with my Uncle Mike and my Auntie Linda, my mom’s sister, my Uncle Mike’s married to my Auntie Linda. And those conversations were already being had, about what possibly could have happened, what they found at the house, what were some clues, what were some things that were outstanding? And those conversations were happening, but they weren’t really happening around me. And I think part of that was kind of protecting me, part of that was my young, naive self, not wanting to associate with, maybe, what could potentially be the truth surrounding what happened to them. And so really my family, especially my Aunt and Uncle, who really were picking up the pieces in this moment, just kind of navigated things on their own, and went behind the scenes, took care of what they needed to, and then ultimately just loved me and my brother through it, and helped us get through each day one day at a time.

And so really, where you talk about things getting worse, as you unpack what ultimately happened to my parents, after 90 days, those toxicology reports would reveal that both of my parents died of fentanyl overdoses. So both my parents had been going to a pain management doctor here in Roanoke, Virginia. They had been dealing with a lot of chronic pain. My mom had degenerative disc disease, which required multiple surgeries over the course of few years. My father had chronic back pain. My father also had served in the military, and had struggled with some depression and PTSD. And you also asked about there being signs. My father also struggled with alcohol much of his life, but that was something that very much, as children, seemed to be under control.

And so there was really no correlation in my mind that my parents could have a drug problem, that they could be experiencing substance misuse with the prescription drugs that they were taking, because prescription drugs, they’re given to you. You take them. They’re supposed to help you. They were what got my parents out of bed in the morning. They were what helped them to survive, in my mind. So those toxicology reports came back right at the 90-day mark. And, believe it or not, my Aunt, as soon as we got the call from the coroner’s office that they were ready, we went straight over to the coroner’s office, pulled up the car. My Aunt asked me if I wanted to go in with her. I said no. Sat in the car. It was blazing hot that day, I remember the air conditioning was just blowing. She goes out, she comes back, she goes into the office, comes back out with a manila envelope, looks at me and hands it to me, and says, “Do you want to open it and read it?” And I said no.

And so I threw it in the floorboard and that was it. Wanted nothing to do what was written on those pieces of paper, because I felt like if I read those pieces of paper, if I saw what ultimately killed my parents, took my parents’ life, then that would have to be the truth of what happened to my parents. And I would have to acknowledge the truth, and I would have to live my life knowing that they died of overdoses, instead of this sugar-coated story that I had manifested and created in my mind, and was telling people all along. And my entire story would now be corrupt, if I saw this piece of paper that stated that my parents died of fentanyl overdoses.

Warwick Fairfax:

When did you open that manila envelope? Or when did your aunt and uncle tell you what happened?

Lauren Sisler:

So, 10 years was actually when I opened up that manila envelope. Which, when you think about it, how one person can go 10 years and just ignore something for so long? 10 years. And again, I would tell this sugar-coated story to people, because I went right back to Rutgers within 10 days. I’m back at Rutgers, people want to know what happened. They try to do it in a loving way. They’re curious. And so when it would get brought up, I would say, “Well, Mom died of respiratory failure, Dad died of a heart attack.” Because that sounded a lot better to me than, “Mom died of a fentanyl overdose, and Dad died of a fentanyl overdose.”

And I was able to literally, in my mind, with respiratory failure, that just sounded so much better than overdose or addiction. And then with my father, the heart attack part, he had heart issues, and high cholesterol, and this and that. And so I was like, “Well, heart attack because he must have been heartbroken because of losing my mom. And his heart stopped.” And that was all justified in my mind, even though he too ingested a lethal amount of fentanyl, just hours after my mom did. And so I literally was justifying this in my mind, so much so that I started to believe it. I literally walked through life for several years concocting this story, and I pretty much spoke it into existence. I knew, in my heart, that neither one of my parents intentionally took their lives that day. Both overdoses were ruled accidental.

But the bottom line is there’s no way for us to know what led them into those moments. What led them to say, “I’m going to take this fentanyl.” Because my mom was prescribed fentanyl, but it’s in a pain patch, and it’s intended to be worn, a 72-hour time release. Eventually she couldn’t… That wasn’t enough. So the doctor dropped that from 72 hours to every 48 hours, she was swapping out the pain patch. But as a pain patch is released into your bloodstream and your system, that’s not technically lethal. But what ends up happening is my parents put those pain patches in the freezer, and they began to suck on the pain patches. And ultimately, that gives you just the immediate high that you, unfortunately, don’t know how much you’re actually getting. And both of my parents had obviously gotten so deep down this road of addiction, that they felt this might be the only way that they can actually feel better, or stave off some of that addiction pain that they were feeling.

You mentioned a book on the horizon. There’s been some discoveries that have happened, because even almost 20 years after my parents passed away, there were still so many black holes. So many things that we did not know as a family, so many things that we did not understand, that have been uncovered in such a beautiful way, that I could just tell you that it’s amazing, this journey and process. Where I’m at now, 20 years after they passed away, to where I was even just five years ago or 10 years ago, it’s truly been a beautiful journey. And as sad and tragic as it has been, it has also been so enlightening. And many of those questions that we had, there have been answers that have followed, even 20 years later.

Gary Schneeberger:

That makes me think of, on the YouTube version of this show, I always begin in talking about crucible experiences; traumas, tragedies, setbacks, failures. I always begin by saying, “Those things didn’t happen to you, they happened for you. They don’t define you, they refine you.” And it sounds like what you’re describing is that experience. Is that fair? That that was kind of your experience as you researched, as you understood, with the journalist’s skill of knowing how to research, did that feel like it was doing that to you, that it was refining you in some way? That these things, painful as they were, didn’t happen to you, you were able to pivot a bit, and see that they happened for you, to understand and then help others? Is that a fair statement?

Lauren Sisler:

Yeah, I think that’s a great perspective, Gary, because I do think that has been one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through my personal journey. But as I’ve transcended into sports broadcasting, right? Because my job as a sports broadcaster is to ask questions and tell stories. So when I ask those questions, I’m literally digging under the surface to learn more about an individual, and learn more about their history, where they came from, and ultimately, what experiences they’ve undergone that have ultimately shaped who they are today.

And I think that when you talk about refining things, we go through things in life. And in those moments we wonder, “Why me? How is this possible? How could this happen to my two best friends? The two people that are loved by so many, we’re a church-going family, we are so close and so tight, and everyone loves my parents, and they were loved by so many and they loved with their whole hearts. And how could such a terrible thing happen to such great people?” Those questions come up a lot, because we all experience hardships, we all experience adversity, we all experience challenges, and it’s easy to get caught in that continuum of the, “Why me?”

But now looking back, as I reflect on this journey, I realize that that refinement has really happened, and it’s taken time. It’s been a long journey and a long process. But as I’m here today, I realize now that it has been revealed to me that, as I stand here, that my story has meaning and it has purpose. And that I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to see that through this evolution and this process, going from being this 18 year old, completely clueless, how am I going to survive this? To now 20 years later, having this platform to be able to share other people’s stories.

Because I see stories are what unite us, it’s what brings us together, and it ultimately shapes us into who we are, and gives us almost this credibility to be able to go to someone else and say, “I went through this thing, and I know you’re going through something similar. I want to help you get through this, and this is how.” Because I think that’s where inspiration, encouragement, and hope all come from, and I think it’s passed along from one person to the next, to the next, to the next.

Warwick Fairfax:

Prescription drugs is a horrendous thing, and they didn’t take it by choice. They took it because they were in terrible pain. But how did you get through that, to the point that you’re at now? It seems, almost, probably hard for a lot of people to believe. How in the world could Lauren come back from that, and not let that define and destroy her life?

Lauren Sisler:

Yeah. That’s been something I’ve also been trying to uncover over the years. And I will tell you this. As I’ve tried to understand that a little bit more, because one question I do get, as I go on the public speaking circuit, is that very same question. “How did you do it? How did you get through it? How did you not turn to substance yourself to cope with those things?” I’m sitting here thinking to myself, “Well, I’d love to have a straightforward answer on this, and I don’t think there’s any one right or wrong answer to it.” And really, maybe that manuscript that says, “This is exactly, piece by piece, how I did it.”

But I will say that I have uncovered a lot of those questions with my therapist. I’ve seen a therapist… Once my parents passed away, when I’d gone back to school, they had provided me with a therapist to navigate some of these tumultuous times, and then I would pull back from it and, “I’m good!” And then I’d kind of slip back into, “Okay, maybe I need to start going to see somebody.” But really I would say in these last several years, prior to the pandemic, I started meeting with somebody in Birmingham. And because I’m where I’m at now, I’m truly at a point where it’s not so much about healing, and it is very much about healing, but it’s more about understanding the how and the why. And I’m so curious, especially as a reporter, because I go into reporter mode, and I start asking these questions, and I now almost feel invigorated, exonerated in many ways. I think about the shackles of shame have finally just kind of ripped off of me.

But now I want to understand why. And I don’t think I had the maturity nor the experience nor the healing to be able to ask those same questions maybe 10 years ago. Because I didn’t really want to know why. But now I’m at that point where I’m like, “Okay, how did I do this? And why did I do this?” And it’s so cool to walk through that process, and understand why I’m where I’m at. And I think a lot of it became the compartmentalization that I was able to create for myself, this window of tolerance. And I think some of it probably stems from gymnastics; the competitive spirit, the competitive nature, the focus mentality, “Okay, focus, focus, focus.” So I was able to just focus in on things, and almost eliminate those outside distractions, those outside voices, the outside noise. And so it was almost like rinse and repeat. “Okay, I’m going through this thing. Focus, focus. All right, get through it. Okay, I overcame that challenge. All right, next!” And so a lot of it was the compartmentalization and being able to do that.

But when I think about that, I’m always curious to know what allows us to have that innate ability to create that window of tolerance for ourselves? And I think that’s something I’ve been trying to uncover and to recognize. Because, let’s be real, life is hard, and I certainly don’t place myself in any sort of category as to having superhuman powers to be able to just overcome this thing. But I do think that, in many ways, that my parents… Were they perfect? No. But I do feel like they equipped me with certain things that helped me later in life to navigate some of these challenges. And then I also think the sport of gymnastics, paired with that, allowed me to do so. And then I just think that sort of determination and that work ethic to say, “Okay, I’m going to push past this.”

And then ultimately I have to say I dove into my faith. And I think that’s where a lot of this has really grown exponentially. Because instead of leaning out in the early phases of when all of this happened, I really leaned out, and kind of leaned back and said, “Ooh, I got this. I don’t need your help. I’m good!” Then to realize that, “Wait, why don’t I lean in? And utilize these resources, lean into my faith, lean into God, lean into the people around me, and say, “Hey, I’m going to accept your help. You’re here for me. I’ve got to stand on my own two feet and take that first step forward. But let’s hold hands and let’s walk through this together.””

Gary Schneeberger:

I’m glad you brought up your faith, because 20 minutes ago in this conversation, this came to me as you were talking, the difficulty of facing the truth that you had. And I think of John 8:31-32, “the truth will set you free.”

Lauren Sisler:

Yep.

Gary Schneeberger:

And that’s exactly what we’re talking about here, in the story of Lauren Sisler. The truth has set you free, and not just… Although for your own freedom and your own wellbeing, but the freedom to then transfer freedom, transfer healing to others, and that is a beautiful thing. “Beauty from ashes,” to go back to the Bible in that case. That’s the summary of your story, I think.

Lauren Sisler:

I love that too. And you use the word “transfer”, that’s such a good word, because it is like taking my experience. And one thing I do encourage people, and I think it’s really hard, because a lot of times people want to make comparisons. I’ll go speak at an event, and someone will say, “Well, I went through this, and certainly not as bad as what you’ve been through…” But I stop them right there, because your experience is your experience, right? You’ve gone through your challenges, that I can’t even begin to know what those might feel like to you, and vice versa. But ultimately, we experience similarities, we experience similar things, and trauma is trauma. Tragedy is tragedy. Shame is shame. No matter what led you to that emotion, to that feeling, to whatever that thing that is gripping you, you might have been led down that path in a different way, but ultimately, you’re experiencing that same emotion.

And I love that terminology of transferring that, because being able to transfer my life experiences and what I’ve experienced to help you maybe walk through your shame… Because shame comes in so many different shapes, sizes, experiences, right? And I think that whether you’ve experienced addiction, or loss because of addiction, not everybody knows what that feels like, but you’ve walked through shame in some sort of way. Whether it’s lost a job, made a poor choice, wish you could literally hit the rewind button and erase something that you’ve done in your life. We all walk through the shadows of shame. And I think that’s what’s really great about this podcast, specifically, and really just this opportunity to use our stories to empower other people, to also walk out of those shadows of shame, and undo those shackles, and say, “Look, I don’t have to be shackled to this anymore. I can be free, if I can only stand in my truth.” And I think that if we can encourage people to stand in their truth, and own every piece of their story, they’re going to be set free in ways they never even imagined possible.

Warwick Fairfax:

That’s so well said, Lauren. I want to pick up on some strands that you said, because I think there are some important things you’ve said that can really help people. Certainly one of the things that I was blessed by on this podcast, we had a guy, David Charbonnet, that was a Navy SEAL, that became a paraplegic in a parachuting training accident. And I mentioned to him, “Gosh, what I went through, losing this 150-year-old family business in a $2.25 billion takeover, big news in Australia, and lots of nasty editorial cartoons and all the rest…” And in a moment of tremendous grace, and he is also a person of faith, he said, “Warwick, your worst day is your worst day. Basically, it’s not a competition.”

And that was so generous, because to me, objectively, what he went through, being a paraplegic was objectively, to me, feels like a lot worse than what I went through. But pretty much everybody we’ve had on our podcast has had that same attitude. And we’ve had paraplegics, quadriplegics-

Lauren Sisler:

Yeah, I love that.

Warwick Fairfax:

… victims of abuse, victims of incredible things, and they have this spirit of generosity.

But there’s another strand that you mentioned I think is really important. I had some things I had to understand, how certainly family members behaved the way they did, and as I’ve understood what made them who they were, and made them like they were, and the choices they made or what happened, it made it somewhat, if not significantly, easier to deal with, as I understood what happened and why. And understanding, at least in my case, made it easier to forgive. Like, “Okay, I get it. They went through trauma, they were this way and that way, and it makes sense now.” It doesn’t mean things are necessarily right. So those are important lessons, and I think it can be helpful to all of us, is counseling, certainly from our perspective, faith, but just understanding. Understanding helps breed freedom. Does that make sense? Just because that’s what I’m hearing in your story, are some of the clues that it can help others.

Lauren Sisler:

Yeah, I love that. The understanding piece, I think, is so critical here. And there is that level of healing. And you talk about forgiveness, right? Because there was that time where I was very angry. Angry at God, and also some level of anger at my parents, of how did this happen? How did it get out of control? How did we not know? Why did you not cry for help? And I hear this time and time again when people come and share their personal stories with me, of just, “My mom or dad is going through addiction.” Or, “They won’t get clean, they won’t get sober for me.” Or perhaps they’ve been incarcerated due to drug use. Or anything outside or inside that realm. And there is that anger that often occurs.

And I do think that understanding allows us to have forgiveness, which I also think is part of that whole equation of setting us free. Having a better understanding, while I might not ever understand or know the exact reasons for why the challenges for my parents continued to mount, as it pertained to their prescription drug use, and then, ultimately, their financial crisis that just came crumbling down all at one time, there were a lot of things, I think, that led down that pathway. But in understanding their story, understanding their struggle, I don’t love them any less. If anything, I feel like I embrace them even more.

And I think that really came to me when I hit that 10-year mark, opened up those toxicology reports, decided it was time to start sharing their story publicly. And as I did that, there was specifically a handful of people that… Even my closest friends in school didn’t even know how my parents died. My best friend didn’t even know how my parents died for several years.

But one thing that came of it, which I thought was just so cool, was that even my dad’s colleagues at his work, so he used to work at the Salem VA Medical Center as a biomedical technician. And there were so many people that just loved my dad, adored my dad, showed up to the funeral, and I might have not known them personally, but they stayed connected through myself and my brother through Facebook and different social media platforms. And when they saw that story 10 years later, saw me opening up and talking about it, I received an overwhelming response.

And instead of the fears being validated, that people would judge my parents, because that’s why I withdrew from it for so long, instead it was, “Wow, I can’t believe that you went through this. I can’t believe your parents were going through this. We loved your parents so much. We wish we would’ve known, maybe we could’ve done something to help them. But your parents were such wonderful people, and they did everything they could to fight for you and your brother, and to give you and your brother everything they could, even despite all the pain and all the turmoil they were going through, both physically and financially.” And then, “I now feel I have peace of mind, knowing what took their lives that day.”

So in many ways, I was able to give others, that cared and loved for my parents so much, some peace through that understanding. And I felt like that was a gift. And even though that gift didn’t come for many years, I felt like that was a gift that was bestowed on me. And then ultimately, I was able to give that to others who did love and care for my parents so deeply.

Gary Schneeberger:

In football, there’s a clock. And in football, toward the end of the game, there’s the two-minute warning. And in this conversation, knowing that the two people who aren’t me on this call have appointments coming up, we’re going to call the two-minute warning right now, and begin wrapping up before the clock runs out. But before we do that, there’s a couple things I want to do with you. One, I want you to know I dressed for the occasion with you. There’s my t-shirt, which says, Team Brave.

Lauren Sisler:

Yay!

Gary Schneeberger:

Which I believe you definitely are that, Lauren, you are a…

Lauren Sisler:

Oh, thank you.

Gary Schneeberger:

… a leading player on Team Brave, for sure. And before we get to the clock running out, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give you the chance to talk about your book, which is coming up, the timing of your book. And if you can sneak it in at some point, the Sideline Shimmy, if you could just talk about how that’s helped you. How that’s helped you heal as well. And then we’ll turn it back over to Warwick to ask you the final question.

Lauren Sisler:

Well, I so appreciate that. Thank you, I am honored to be part of Team Brave, such an honor. And I’m so glad you dressed up for us, because I know you were just on a really, really awesome, amazing trip. I’m waiting to unpack those details when we’ve got time, because I know… Ugh, I just can’t wait to hear about it. I would just say, as we are winding down in this two-minute warning, I’m so thankful, as we talked about a little bit of the book process. And this was actually something that I started at the beginning of last year, in 2021, and have been working on now for about a year and a half. And it has been quite a process and quite a journey.

And for many years, I’ve had people say, “Well, you should write a book, you should write a book.” And I was just like, “Write a book? I don’t have any idea how to write a book. Where to go, what do I do? What do I do with my hands?” And I just was clueless. And it’s amazing how the good Lord works, because suddenly people come into your life, and then they plant those seeds, and they say, “Well, I’ve got someone, I know someone that can help out with this.” And so it’s been a really cool process of meeting the right people, and working with the right publisher, and soon to be publicist, wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. So, putting the right people in place to help in this process.

And super excited about it, just because so much has been uncovered, and while we never went into it with the intention of it being an investigative piece, it has definitely uncovered so many things and so many details, but more than anything, so many connections and relationships. And there’s so much healing that has come from it, and I am so excited to gift that to other people. The perspective that I’ve received in this process, I think, is truly a gift, and I want to be able to gift that to other people. I want to transfer that to other people, as you said, Gary, through this book. And so I’m really excited about it. And we don’t have a specific launch date this moment, but I think we’re eyeballing the fall, as I’m knee-deep in football season, because what better time is there, right?

And you mentioned, as we’ve been batting titles back and forth, and figuring out what is going to be the scope of this book, and what do we want, really, people, when they pick that up, to see, you mentioned the Sideline Shimmy. And with some encouragement from you, and our good friend Darren, and others that have been part of this process, the Sideline Shimmy has taken on a form of its own. And most people will be like, “What in the world is the Sideline Shimmy?”

Well, believe it or not, the Sideline Shimmy was born in 2019, in fact. So as I was working through my career at ESPN, I noticed, quite often, that my nerves were still gripping me, at times. And I’m like, “Okay, I know the content. I know exactly what I’m supposed to say. I know the questions. I know exactly what I’m talking about.” And yet my body still has this way of screaming at me, like, “You’re standing on a football field in front of 2 million people about to go live!” Okay! I guess it’s okay to be nervous, right? Well, how do you combat those nerves? And that’s something that I really struggled with, because I’m thinking like, “I’m confident, I’m here, I’ve earned this opportunity.” And yet my body is still throwing me into chaos. And so my central nervous system was taking over.

And with that being said, as the former DJ, DJ Sizzla, music is in my veins. I love to dance, I love to just be free. I can’t tell you that I’m a good dancer. But what I started doing was dancing on the sidelines, because really, it helped me to take that nervous, anxious, excited energy, that was paired with adrenaline, that had me going a million miles an hour, helped me to slow down and just soak it all in. And with the dancing, it really just kind of helped me to use that to really just calm the nerves, and really, in many ways, bring me back to the moment.

And so dancing became my thing, and it was something that… What I realized? Never assume the cameras aren’t rolling, because this whole dancing thing was assumed that it was before the game kicked off, cameras weren’t rolling, nobody’s really watching. Oh, by the way, they’re always watching. And so these silly dances made their way to my inbox or my cell phone, I’d get blown up with text messages, “Hey, we caught this on camera.” And I’m like, “Oh. Okay.” So then, of course, I ended up posting these silly things on social media. And I think the coolest part about it is it has turned into something more than I ever imagined it would with the Sideline Shimmy.

But ultimately, I’ve found so many people finding joy in the Sideline Shimmy. And realizing that everyone can find joy and purpose. And whatever your Sideline Shimmy is might look different than mine, but everyone has a Sideline Shimmy. And so unlocking whatever that Sideline Shimmy is, that gives you joy, that helps you to uncover and unnerve yourself, and to go through life being free and joyous and happy, no matter who’s watching, I think is an amazing thing, and it’s a gift. And so hopefully through this book, and through this process, I can help other people find their Sideline Shimmy too.

Warwick Fairfax:

That’s wonderful, wow. Yeah, I’ve seen that on YouTube, and it’s a lot of fun. So yeah, it’s just a little fun, light relief as you’re doing your thing as a sports journalist. So it’s funny, we’ve spoken a lot about your story and your parents’ story, and not as much about you being a sports journalist, which most people would know you. It’s like, “Lauren Sisler, she’s on the sidelines at SEC network, and ESPN, and making these insightful comments.” So, from what I understand, that’s a whole nother discussion, which we don’t have too much time to get into. But you’re starting out in a small station in Roanoke, and then Virginia, and Alabama, and ESPN. Which is incredible, and you’ve been very successful.

So just talk about your vision. I have a feeling you view what you do as a sports journalist as more than a job. I’m pretty sure there’s a mission behind it. And I think you’ve hinted at what that mission is to you. And more broadly than just that mission, talk about the mission you have in your speaking and your book. And I love some of the things you say about finding meaning and purpose, and fall in love with your story. You have a choice. There’s clearly a very strong mission you have, and being a sports journalist is part of that. So just talk about those things. Your mission as a sports journalist, your mission more generally about the power of telling a story, and…

Lauren Sisler:

The one thing that I have found myself doing, and really it has sprouted up in recent years. When I step foot on that football field, and that national anthem plays, because that’s always the time where everybody pauses what they’re doing, warmups are over, guys have gone back in the locker room, and now everyone stands. And that is the time where I stand in my thoughts in that moment, and I look up to the sky, and I look to God, and I look to my parents, and I say, “Give me this opportunity to go out here, give me the right words to say. May a story, may an event, may something that happens tonight, influence and impact the lives of other, even if just one life, in a positive way.” And so that’s always my hope and my goal when I step foot out on that football field, is to give someone some encouragement, some inspiration, a story of hope, something that they may be able to take through their lives.

Then of course, I thank the good Lord above, and my mom and dad, and I have that conversation with them, and it’s just a beautiful moment to be able to spend, as my nerves and that excitement and all the adrenaline and the pageantry that’s about to happen around us, as those players get ready to run out of that tunnel. And so it really is a special moment. And so that’s really become a vision and a mission for me when I step foot on that football field. And I’ve discovered it’s more than the wins and the losses, it’s more than just a game, right? It’s so much more than that. And that’s where I feel so thankful for this gift of being able to use my voice to share stories that have so much meaning, so much purpose.

And that’s where the tagline, as you mentioned, “fall in love with your story” has really, the root of that, has come from. Because I want to encourage all to fall in love with their story, undo those shackles of shame, because for so many years, I harbored this shame, and realized that I’m not going to allow this shame to define me, just like it didn’t define my parents. My parents aren’t defined by how they died, but by how they lived their lives. And now I want to stand in that truth and carry that same ideology with me. And recognizing, “Okay, you know what? I’m not going to be defined by shame anymore, and I’m going to use this as an opportunity to help other people, and to inspire and encourage other people.”

So ultimately, when I undid the shackles of shame and fell in love with my story, I wanted to give that to other people, transfer that to other people, as Gary said, and help them to also fall in love with their story. And so that really has become my goal and mission in the sports world, as a sports broadcaster. And beyond that, when I step foot on stage and share my personal and professional journey, and words of encouragement, and ultimately, give people a lens of hope and inspiration.

Gary Schneeberger:

I have been in the communications business long enough to know when the final word on a subject has been spoken, and Lauren Sisler has just spoken it. If this microphone wasn’t so expensive, I would drop it.

Lauren Sisler:

Mic drop! Ooh!

Gary Schneeberger:

It’s a mic drop moment. I don’t want to have to buy a new one. So listener, until we’re together next time, please remember that we do understand that crucible experiences are painful. We know, Lauren and Warwick talked about the pain that they have gone through in their own crucible experiences. But you also heard there’s a way out of that pain, there’s a way beyond that pain. Embracing your story, learning to love your story. I love that concept. Learn to love your story, and learn the lessons, as well, of your crucible, because when you do learn the lessons of them, and apply them, and move forward, your crucible experience is not the end of your story. It was not the end of Lauren Sisler’s story. It can be the beginning of a new story, as it was for Lauren, that will lead you to a final destination that’s the most rewarding of all, and that is a life of significance.

If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond the Crucible. Visit our website, beyondthecrucible.com, to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what’s been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start? Our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible, and to chart a course forward. See you next week.