How Tragedy Awakened Her Extraordinary Purpose to Help Others: Carey Conley

Carey Conley:
Really, truly, there were totally two different instances. My husband in hindsight, had this all planned out. For how long? I don’t know, but he had everything in order. My son panicked. I think what happened is he dropped me off at a luncheon and he was going to go into the office and let his boss know he was leaving and he was going to come back and get me, and I think instead he had a sheer panic attack. No plan, just flipped a switch.

Gary Schneeberger:
You’ve just heard our guest this week, Carey Conley, discuss the unthinkable tragedies of losing her husband Ross to suicide in 2014, and her son Cole, to the same manner of death just three years later. After these devastating losses, she tells us she was faced with a choice, to find purpose through despair or to throw in the towel. She chose purpose. She found it in helping those who feel lost in day-to-day life, craft vision plans to find their footing.

Warwick Fairfax:
Well, Carey, it’s wonderful to have you here. I love just reading some of your backstory and the work you do with vision and helping young people have a written vision statement and purpose. And you’re very active with mental health, think you have a podcast, Mental Health Breakthroughs. Two books, Keep Looking Up, and Vision is Victory: Where Hopes and Dreams Become Action and Achievement. So it’s really, really inspiring what you do.
So before getting to what you do now and some of the challenges you’ve had along the way, I’d love to hear a bit about, what was life like for you, Carey, growing up? Hopes, dreams, family life, before you got into college and work life and all, what were some of the dreams? Maybe some of it may have informed what you do now. So, what was life like for young Carey?

Carey Conley:
Well, thank you for asking. I’m turning 63 in a few days, so to think about my childhood goes way back, but.

Gary Schneeberger:
Happy early birthday.

Carey Conley:
Thank you.
I was pretty creative as a child. I loved to read, I loved to sing, I loved to dance. And I really thought that I was going to grow up to be an entertainer, I really wanted to be an actress and a singer, and my family thought that was really cute, and they came to every little show I did at school. But the message was pretty clear from my parents that they really wanted me to get a college degree because nobody in our family ever had.
So, I met my husband in high school and off to college we went, and that’s where dreams turn into reality, right? I wasn’t heading off to New York or LA, I was going to get a business degree and get a good job and work my way up the ranks. So a little bit of that creeps into, I think, my desire now as a speaker and a teacher and a coach, because I am on a lot of stages and a lot of podcasts. I don’t sing for anybody anymore, but except for my grandsons. But yeah, I was a very creative child, but I really followed a whole different path than I thought.

Warwick Fairfax:
Talk about for you in those early years after college, you got married, you had dreams, but I think just like a lot of people, it seemed like it was hard to find your niche, your place, if you will. I think there’s a few job changes, so just talk about, your story seems to be a common story. So talk about your story, Carey, and what were those first few years after college as you’re trying to figure out life and career?

Carey Conley:
Yeah. Well, I got married really young, because remember, I met my husband in high school, we went through college together and got married right out of college, and both of us went to work. He went into sales in the technology era when barcoding was first becoming a thing, so he did very well in that industry. And I went into sales and marketing and advertising, and changed jobs about every two years because I couldn’t find the job that I loved.
And I had a mentor show up in my life at one of the jobs that I was at, who was the first person to say to me, “Carey, you can create your life to look however you want. You just have to get really clear on what you want.” And so with her direction, and this was a pivotal moment in my life, I took a day off at work and with a legal pad of paper, I wrote out very clearly what I wanted in every area of my life, what kind of relationship I wanted to have with my husband, the kind of mom I wanted to be when we started a family, where we were living. And I wrote a lot of things about, could I be an entrepreneur so that I could work from home and have the flexibility that I really wanted? And so I really started dreaming about that and didn’t know the direction I was going to take. I just knew that I wanted residual income work from home, flexibility, leadership, and being able to make an impact on other people.
And so two years later, we’d had our son, and I was five months pregnant with my daughter, and I got introduced to the industry of network marketing with a company called Arbonne, which a lot of people are familiar with. It’s very much like Mary Kay, skincare, health and wellness products. So I stepped all in, because it checked all the boxes that I had ticked off of what I wanted. And so I followed that vision, and I really believe what happened that day, not knowing it then, but knowing it now, is that God and I were collaborating that day. He was talking to me and telling me, “Here’s the direction I want you to go,” because I really believe now that he knew what was coming later in my life and was preparing me for that. Because my vision became my purpose, and I taught it to all the leaders that joined my company, and so I had already been teaching it for a really long time. So that was the earlier years and how I really started following my vision and how I became known for what I do now.

Warwick Fairfax:
I mean, how old were you when you met this person? Were you still in your 20s at that point, or?

Carey Conley:
Yeah, I think I was about 27, 26, 27.

Warwick Fairfax:
That’s sort of amazing to me because imagine an alternate life where you didn’t meet that person and you were going from job to job every two years it’s like, ah, this isn’t really satisfying me, but maybe the next one will. I’m sort of reminded of this parable or the story, fable, I guess you’d say, I’m sure you’ve heard in which this anthill and all the ants are climbing up the mountain and it’s like, where are you going? I don’t know, but yeah, it must be something amazing at the top because everybody else is climbing there, and you get there and there’s nothing. But there’s this sense that this current job is not fulfilling me, but boy, the next one is, and you spend your whole life, for many, 30, 40, 50 years, you become CEO, and then it’s like, well, now what? There is no further up than CEO, and so it gets lonely.
So you could have spent decades doing what most people do, but that person was a gift because it’s impossible to know. Maybe you’re smart enough that at some point you would’ve figured it out, but do you ever think about, what would my life have been like if I had never met that person?

Carey Conley:
It’s hard for me to imagine that because I was so determined and still am to follow my own path, and that’s one of the biggest things I teach because it’s so hard for people, especially the older they get to really, really follow their heart’s desires and their path that they really want to follow.
Probably what would’ve happened, when I was in college, I was in a sorority and obviously still dating my high school sweetheart there, and everybody knew that my husband Ross was going to be successful. So my sorority sisters all thought that I was going to go off to be a country club wife. So most likely when we started having the kids, I would not have been working, but I would’ve been doing, running something somewhere, because I just have the natural leadership. I just step into a room and I want to step into helping and organizing it. Right? I’m not really good with sitting in the background. So I don’t know, I would’ve been… And that could have been fun, but not fulfilling long-term. It’s not a purpose, it was just would’ve filled my time.

Warwick Fairfax:
So life was going well, you had a good job, your husband had a good job. You were being very successful at Arbonne and mentoring, teaching people. So in one sense, do you look back sort of pre crucible saying, life is pretty much working out the way I was hoping it would? I mean, this is great, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty good. Did you feel that was the way that life was like at the time?

Carey Conley:
Well, we were living the American Dream. We had a beautiful home, great neighborhood, great community, good schools, we were blessed to be able to put our kids through a private Christian school. Just the all-American family, right? Took all the trips together, thank gosh, they’re wonderful memories that I have now. Never in a million years did we think that anything would touch us the way it has. So yeah, never in a million years thought anything could happen. My kids were great kids, both college degrees, all the great things, but you just have to be prepared for just about anything, and that’s, life changed for me drastically in 2014.

Warwick Fairfax:
So, talk about that. You had two crucibles within three years, so what happened in 2014?

Carey Conley:
So in 2014, I lost my husband to suicide, and then three years later, I lost my 25-year-old son also to suicide. And this has now been obviously almost 11 years now since this all happened, so, no words.

Warwick Fairfax:
No, I can imagine. So talk about not so much the details, but just emotionally, obviously you’ve had years to think about it. What were some of the maybe confusion or not confusion, what were some of the challenges that your husband were facing that would lead him to even think about taking his own life? As you look back, what were some of those factors?

Carey Conley:
Well, I think we’ve touched on some of it already. Work, my husband obviously followed what he was told to do too. Got a great business degree, great job, stayed with the company for almost 30 years, was very successful, very highly regarded, and just a really well-loved man. But I think in his heart that he really wanted to do something different with his life and just felt like he couldn’t make those changes that late in life. Right? He was too ingrained with the company and we were making great money, and for him to go off and do something totally different, I really think my husband should have been a teacher. He taught Bible study at our church for many, many years and loved it. It was the highlight of his week. But for him to think at the age of 50 that he could leave this corporate job and go get a teaching degree and start teaching was just unfathomable to him.
So I really think he was struggling a lot with his identity, and I think that’s unfortunately a really big part of men, I think, is a lot of their identity is attached to what they do and not who they are. And that message was very clear for him growing up and very much a big part of his adulthood. So there was that struggle going on. His company was getting ready to go through a merger, and he wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen with his job, amongst a lot of other things. But in hindsight, there were just, I think, years of turmoil going on that I was not aware of.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, I mean, it’s unfortunate that men by and large, they don’t really talk about what’s going on inside.

Carey Conley:
Right.

Warwick Fairfax:
We’re sort of taught, stiff upper lip, be tough, be brave, be the protector, be the whatever. And showing emotion is weakness, weakness is bad. I mean, it’s certainly in our generation, it’s changed a little bit, but was deeply ingrained. And so when you feel like, gosh, my identity is all wrapped up in what I do and I kind of hate what I do, or I think it was Thoreau, talk about people lead lies a quiet desperation. They’re not breaking out on the surface, but inside they’re sort of dying a little bit day by day. It’s just, is this what life is? And it’s obviously when you seem to have a successful husband and everything seems to be fine, you have no idea that this could happen. If you did, obviously you would start saying, “Ross, we need to talk here. What in the heck is going on? You’re a determined person. You just keep drilling until the answers came out. If I have to strap you to a chair, I’m going to figure out what’s going on.”
But as you look back, I mean, it’s easy to say, “I could have done A, B and C,” but are you able to say, “There’s nowhere I could possibly have known”? It is easy in hindsight, you probably met with a lot of other survivors of this kind of event. You were able to look back and say, look, of course, if I knew what was going to happen, I would’ve drilled down more, but how could you have possibly known? You know?

Carey Conley:
Right? Yeah. Well, you obviously, especially with suicide, you go through those questions a lot, especially in the beginning. Why didn’t I see this? What could I have done? I could have prevented this. As the years pass, I’ve learned that a lot of those feelings fade for the most part because I’m very aware now that even if I had drilled down a little bit more and trust me when I tell you, we had a lot of conversations about the angst that he was going through. I told him, “Look, if you want to go drive a bus, I don’t care. I just want you to be happy.” I don’t think he would’ve even told me anymore, even if I’d kept drilling, of what he was thinking.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. Well, one of the sad things in life that it’s hard to accept with our loved ones is, I find just running my own life is challenge enough. It’s not easy, and in theory, I’m meant to be in control of my own life. But I mean, life is great. I mean, I have a wonderful wife, wonderful kids, but I get fearful and anxious and angry at times. But our ability to run other people’s life is like non-existent. We can influence and try, but I mean, changing ourselves is hard enough, changing other people, it’s like impossible. And it’s not an easy thing for us, certainly not for me to accept the time.
So let’s talk about your son, Cole. So three years later, the unthinkable happened again. So talk a bit about, again, not the details, but how life was like for him leading up to what happened.

Carey Conley:
So at the time that my husband passed, Cole had just graduated from college and he got a job here in Arizona with Channel 12, the new station. So my husband passed in July, cole started his job that August. So once we got through the memorial and I got my daughter back to college, he and I got out here to Arizona so that he could start his job. And I started living half time in Denver, which is where we’re from again, and Arizona, which is how I ended up living here, because I love it.
He was doing very, very well at the news station. Again, my son was very well liked, he was a super chill guy, had a lot of great friends, was having a lot of fun. But I think slowly dying inside that job, because my son was also super creative. I think his desire would’ve been to be in front of the camera instead of behind it, but I don’t think that he felt that he would’ve been supported following a career, maybe in acting or something, or creating his own video productions, which I think he should have done. He had the right job, you guys, he was told, “You’ve got a great career here.” He was ranking up fast and I don’t feel like he felt as a young adult that he could take the risk and go do what he wanted to do, even though we had multiple conversations about him just quitting. And in the end, on the day that he passed, he was actually going into the office to tell them that he was going to leave because he and I were going to figure out what his next moves were.
So a lot of struggle, I think, with his identity as well as a young man. And I think that unfortunately there’s a lot of that happening with that generation, which is why I’m so passionate about working with young adults now.

Warwick Fairfax:
I think he may have mentioned that he didn’t necessarily have a lot of close friends where he was. How much was that a factor in terms of what happened?

Carey Conley:
He actually developed a lot of close friends here. It took some time. I think this is another thing that a lot of people don’t really know. There’s a new book out by Mel Robbins called Let Them, and in the book she talks about the different dynamics of friendships throughout the different seasons of our life. And she was so spot on when she talks about, think about your entire growing up. You all, as a child, all the way through when you start a job, you have a built in community, you have a family, you have your school, you have your activities. When you go off to college, you’ve got your organizations that you join. You have all these tribes that are just there.
And when they get out of college, this is very true for what happened to my son, they all took jobs in different cities where they knew nobody. And so a lot of that, the first year or so of him being here in Arizona was trying to figure out where those friends were. And they don’t know how to do it organically. I had to literally teach him how to get on Meetup and look for clubs of interests that he had, like tennis. My son was a tennis player. But it just doesn’t come naturally in them because they’ve just been thrown into built in communities. So they are right now the loneliest generation we have, because they really don’t know how to figure it out. And because of the internet, they isolate a lot. So it took him a while, but he had very close friends here.

Warwick Fairfax:
I mean, obviously that’s once is unbelievably painful, but twice with your son, and just to think that he was about to tell his boss, “I’m quitting,” and get a talk with you about what the next step would be. And you can’t help but think, if you could have waited a day or two, this may never have happened. It almost feels like how can one be worse than the other? They’re both horrendous, but it felt like there was hope here. The other one is more complicated, in a sense, but here it felt like we were about to make a change together. Why couldn’t he have waited a couple days?
I mean, that’s again, you did everything. You were standing by him as a wonderful mother and saying all the right things. You’re not defined by this job, we can find something more creative. I mean, there’s nothing, obviously, I don’t know all the details, but it sure feels like there’s nothing more that you could have done than you did. But I mean, how do you process something like that? Do you feel like Cole, well, why? We were just about to chart a new course, it never makes sense in a way, but it almost makes less sense. Does that make… I mean, how do you process those emotions when you felt like you were on the cusp of this positive change with Cole?

Carey Conley:
Really, truly, they were totally two different instances. My husband in hindsight, had this all planned out. For how long? I don’t know, but he had everything in order. My son panicked. I think what happened is, he dropped me off at a luncheon and he was going to go into the office and let his boss know he was leaving and he was going to come back and get me, and I think instead he had a sheer panic attack. No plan, just flip the switch. Very different instances to process. But I’ve learned to not ask why, this, why me? It all has a purpose, unfortunately. This is just how it all went down and how I’m supposed to carry it out.

Gary Schneeberger:
You said that after these losses, you made this statement that you had to find purpose through despair or you had to throw on the towel. Those were your two choices. And we say a similar thing. Warwick says a similar thing here, Beyond the Crucible, right? You can go lying in bed, pull the covers up over your head, or you can get out and you can move forward. And you chose purpose, you have said. You enjoyed your business prior to losing Ross and Cole, but you knew the next chapter was calling you to rise to a new level that would make an impact on more people on a larger scale. That was a turning point for you, rooted in the tragedy that you went through, but that’s a turning point everybody who goes through a crucible to some… Right? It doesn’t have to be as “devastating” as yours. We say all the time, “You can’t compare crucibles.” That process you went through, that counsel that you would give to others, that’s true for any kind of crucible somebody has, right?

Carey Conley:
Yes, yes. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people do pull the covers up over their head in one way or another, and I could easily do that. My best friend retired two weeks ago, and her lifestyle is looking really easy right now compared to what I’m doing. And I could do that, I could retire, but the thing is, is that I, being a Taurus, I am loyal to a fault. When I tell somebody I’m going to do something and I’ve told the world now what I’m doing and what I’m creating, it would be near impossible for me to say, “Yeah, I’m not doing it.”
I also, I have a big mission because I now have two grandsons. So my vision of helping young adults has a lot to do with the next generation of kids they’re raising, because if I can help them get through their own storms, which is the subtitle of my newest book that I’m working on right now, I think they’re going to be much stronger in helping those young kids that they’re raising as well.

Warwick Fairfax:
So in those dark early years, as obviously it’s not that far away, but far enough, you’ve been able to move on and maybe find some purpose amidst the devastating tragedy, but how did you make that choice not to hide under the covers or to be angry at Ross and Cole, be angry at God, angry at the universe? Just this is so unfair, I did everything I possibly could. I’m not a passive person, this makes no sense, it’s not right. And you would know better than I, there are people that spend the rest of their lives just being angry and mad and just not being in a good place for them or the people they love is we often say “Here, hurt people, hurt people.” And so in your anger, if you go in that direction, that wouldn’t have been helpful on your daughter, obviously. Not that you would’ve meant to, but we’re all human. And so, how did you make a choice not to go down that dark path and to maybe go to the path of light and hope? How’d you make that choice?

Carey Conley:
Well, one, it was because of my daughter, she was so strong and still is, and she was starting her life. She got married a year later, started having her babies a year later. I mean, life went on and I needed to be there for her and vice versa. So, there was that. What’s interesting is, a lot of people asked me why I was never angry with Ross. I’ve had a few moments, don’t get me wrong, but for the most part I don’t feel anger, because when people take their life, what they truly believe they’re doing is the best thing for you. So I don’t think that in Ross’s mind, he was doing this to hurt me or hurt our daughter. It was just, he really felt like he had no choice and that this would be best for everybody. Same thing with my son.
So, anger’s never really been a big emotion, although I will say I didn’t talk to God really well for about a year. Yeah, because I was like, okay, we can’t talk right now because letting this happen once and then taking my son, yeah, that’s a whole different world. But I have completely come full circle in that and rely completely on my relationship with him and know that at the end of the day, you guys, we’re all going to the same place if we believe, and I know they’re there.

Warwick Fairfax:
You’ve obviously turned what you’ve been through as a vehicle for helping others. You can’t stop every tragedy, none of us. You can do what you can to minimize it. One life saved is, I don’t know if it’s enough, but one life saved is significant. It’s very significant. And I’m sure you probably have thought that with what you do with your podcast, Metal Health Breakthrough. So talk a bit about your mission in life, and nobody wants what you’ve been through, but it’s helped you identify with and console others you probably wished you weren’t in a position to have the knowledge to console, that’s not a mission you signed up for. Who would want that mission? But yet, talk about how these devastating tragedies have given you a mission and talk about what that is and why you’re so passionate about it.

Carey Conley:
Because it’s working. Another example is when I started bringing young adults onto my podcast about a year and a half ago. And it was so interesting to me and how much I love doing that, to have them come on and be so transparent about how they’re feeling about their life and for them to allow me to hot seat coach them a little bit, and send them out with some hope on a better vision for their life and their future, and to be able to take some baby steps.
So to have most especially young men around my son’s age, have them come to me and say, “You know what you said on the podcast last week really, really helped me and it prompted me to reach out to you and let you know that.” So those are the days when you’re just like, why am I doing this? I could go retire and go off in an RV with my best friend right now. But, and some days you don’t hear those messages and you wonder, am I really making a difference? But just when you need it, you’ll get a message like that saying, “I just want you to know that I’ve been following you and you’ve been helping me a lot.” That’s what fuels me now.

Warwick Fairfax:
So I want to talk a bit about this whole concept of vision statements, which you kind of had one early on, and talk about why that’s so important. It’s not necessarily a blueprint for every micro step in your life, but talk about what it is and why it’s important because I found it fascinating, your concept of writing down a vision or a purpose statement. Talk about what it is and why it’s so helpful.

Carey Conley:
So I have a methodology that I worked through that I help people start envisioning further out. So I use a timeline of three years, because most people can think three years out. So when I get them to start writing their vision with me and at my own events, I actually get them to write it while they’re there because most people, they can take home my Vision is Victory workbook and say they’re going to do it and they don’t. So I bring them into a room once or twice a year and they actually get an hour to write it, and I ask them to date it as if it’s three years out. And after they write the date, I ask them to write how old they will be and how old all their family members will be, because it’s very eye-opening when they start looking at that because now it’s right here.
And in about a three to five year timeframe, there are some season seasonal life changes. Right? And I get them to think just like I did when I was 28, 27, when I wrote my first vision, every area of their life and what they envision it to be as if it is that day. And to dream really big, don’t live anything out, even if they can’t fathom how they’re going to get there based on their circumstances right here, because I do believe that once they create that, it gives them a little light at the end of the tunnel, a little bit of hope as to, okay, I see what I really want and it excites me and it’s inspiring me to now start taking some baby steps a little bit every day.
So when I coach people, what I do is get them to give me the big vision, and then I work with them on reverse engineering a game plan so that they know exactly what lines up with the vision every day and what doesn’t. So it’s easier for them to do the yes and no thing, as to what to add onto their plate and what not to, and so they can just take some steps.

Gary Schneeberger:
You’ve said a couple of times in this conversation that it’s hard, especially for young people, and all of us can experience this. It’s hard to find a path that they want to follow. I, as a stepparent, I see that firsthand. It’s hard for my stepchildren, son and daughter to what is it, the purpose, the passion that they want to pursue, and then how do they pursue it? They may know what they love, but how do they pursue it? What counsel do you give people to get them to tap into taking that step? And then what wisdom do you have for how you can put one foot in front of the other and get toward that direction that you want to go?

Carey Conley:
So I’ll give you another example. So when I was doing my podcast in a studio, I had a young man in the room with me when I was recording. He was 22, his name is Ethan. And one day in between us recording, I asked Ethan to share with me how he was feeling about his life right now. And he was very open with me because he heard me interviewing people all day long so he felt like he was in a really safe place and so he said, “I worry a lot about money, then I’m worried about…” He had stopped going to college during COVID and didn’t know if he should go back to college, that didn’t feel right where he should be living. He had a girlfriend at the time that they were working through relationship, all the things. Friendships, what friendships he wanted to continue, what he didn’t.
And he revealed to me that what he really, really always thought that he would do would be in video production. But because of that being a creative industry, he was questioning it. Is this the right path? How do I even start that? Where do I get my feet wet? And I said to him, “Do you know one person, Ethan, that’s in that industry that if you ask them to just give you some advice and some steps to take, they could give you some steps to take?” And he said, “Yes, I do.” And I said, “Can you just do one thing for me and reach out to this person this week and ask them the questions that you want to ask?” And he did that, and now I think he’s following his path. And it wasn’t easy because he had a lot of voices in his head saying, “That’s not the safe thing to do. You should go back to college and get the degree.” But in his heart’s desire, he knew what he really wanted and he was willing to at least take some baby steps.

Warwick Fairfax:
I mean, that’s so powerful. I mean, I think there’s a couple thoughts I have as you’re sharing, that it’s just the importance of that vision statement. I didn’t exactly have that, although I’m blessed to be doing what I love now. I’m very reflective, so I tend to ask myself, is this what I want to do, and what about this? Not everybody’s wide like I am, for better or worse. The good part is, I think a lot about things, about why am I doing this and what does this mean and what’s the next step? And so, maybe I could have done it a whole lot quicker if I had more of a roadmap. But yeah, just having that roadmap, it helps you know what to say yes to and what to say no, and I think you’re right about this. And when an opportunity comes up, it’s like if somebody came up to Ethan and said, “Hey, I’ve got this video production company, and any interest in talking about it?” Well, he’d be saying, “Yes, thank you.” You know?

Carey Conley:
Yes.

Warwick Fairfax:
He wouldn’t have to think. Talk about, there’s the vision statement, which is helpful, but having somebody, whether it’s a coach, a friend, a counselor, the importance of somebody not to hold your hand, but to be with you to tamp down the fear and raise up the action meter. So talk about, it’s hard to do life yourself, right?

Carey Conley:
Well, it’d, yeah. If you’re going after your dreams, your big dreams, you absolutely can’t do it yourself because every day you’re going to want to quit. I’m a big believer if you step into God’s purpose, there will be adversity that you will face. One of my favorite books is Outwitting the Devil, about how we meet with all the mental doubt and all the things. So I just really feel like you just have to know what you’re going after and just know that if you are really following your purpose, you are on the right path and you’re going to need a team of people to pull you through.
So when I stepped into Arbonne, as a matter of fact, network marketing in the early ’90s was a big taboo. So all of my friends, including my husband and my family, thought I was crazy for going and selling lipstick.

Warwick Fairfax:
It’s like, oh, you’re doing Tupperware, Mary Kay.

Carey Conley:
Right, you’re doing that pyramid scheme thing. Right?I had to really fight that because there were a lot of people who thought I was nuts and a lot of people who did not even support me in it, begged me to quit. But I just knew that that was my path. So what I had inside Arbonne was a team of leaders that saw me as a leader, and they were the ones who talked me through every day that I wanted to quit. They were like, “You’re not quitting. You are meant to be at the top. We love you, you’ve got this.” You’ve got to have those people.
And I’ve always had coaches. I’ve always had somebody who could not only teach me the skills. So when I stepped out of network marketing and building my own speaking coaching business, I had no idea what I was doing, so I hired my first business coach who taught me everything. And was that person who held me accountable to the activity that I told her I was going to do. So yeah, you’ve got to have that.

Warwick Fairfax:
See, that is so good. I believe that strong people ask for help.

Carey Conley:
Yes.

Warwick Fairfax:
The so-called weak people, whatever that means, I’ve got it, and there are some guys like this. Hey, I don’t need to ask directions. I mean, now we’ve got Google Maps and everything. I’m good. Well, no, you’re typically not good because we don’t have all the skills in every area and all knowledge. Nobody other than God has that. So, okay, it’s okay. So I’ve fortunately always been wired, even in my 20s I had one or two people that were mentoring me and knew more about the law than I did at the time, so I’ve always been open to advice. Maybe it’s a little unusual for some guys, but if somebody can help me, then why not?
And I guess other things that I use, I’m not sure about yourself, but I’m a big believer in scripture memories. I have a bunch of scripture memories of… 1 Pete 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.” [inaudible 00:37:01]. A bunch of go-to ones a bit like tools. Okay, do I need a wrench? Do I need a hammer? So anyway, I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but maybe I’m not as fearful as everybody, but I like to think I’m pretty fearful in general, but I will not let that stop me from making decisions I feel like is rational and God is calling me. Does any of that make sense? Just, tools?

Carey Conley:
1,000%, because I don’t know how many times the sentence, “Do not fear,” is in the Bible, but I think it’s the highest number of repeats. Right? So when we have fear, we’ve got to know where it’s coming from and identify that this is not real. To me, it’s an attack.

Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely.

Carey Conley:
I’m in a lot of fear right now because the leaps that I’m about to take are really big. And so I know, I’ve just learned that I’m on the right path, and that’s what a lot of people don’t realize.

Warwick Fairfax:
Given the fear meter is going up, I must be doing something right.

Carey Conley:
Exactly. See, and people think the opposite. They think if there’s fear, they’re about to do something really wrong and a big mistake, and that’s why they back away. And I’ve learned that if I’m really feeling this, that we’re about to make some changes in some people’s lives.

Gary Schneeberger:
I have a Bible AI program on my phone, and I just asked it how many times is do not fear in the Bible? 70 times. So there you go.

Carey Conley:
Yeah, yes. Yeah, so the message is clear, gentlemen, right? And I also know that when I’m on the right path, I get encouragement every day that comes out of the blue. One big example is, I’m getting ready to host an in-person event, which I have not done since before my son passed. And it’s time for me to put it back on the calendar, it’s called Visions Victory, and it’s where I bring people together to write their vision and collaborate. And we’re being faced with all sorts of challenges right now to pull off this in-person event. But randomly, I connected with a woman who has a large organization and has a facility that I can get for next to nothing, out of the blue. So I’m like, all right.

Warwick Fairfax:
Feels like a sign from above.

Carey Conley:
It is.

Warwick Fairfax:
Carey, you’re meant to do this.

Carey Conley:
Yes.

Warwick Fairfax:
I almost feel like sometimes when you’re going through challenging circumstances, as in you trying it in a new book, new event, it’s almost like drops of grace or sort of an oasis in the desert. Okay, got it, I needed this. And just a word of encouragement, maybe a bunch of people are saying, “This makes no sense,” but a friend says, “You know what, Carey? I know other people don’t see this, but I think it does make sense. I think you should do this.”
So yeah, I mean, it does take a team. It does take people to help us through that. And life is not meant to be lived alone, you’ve got to be vulnerable. Men especially have a tough time, I think there’s so much self-help out there that I’d like to think that’s changing. But yeah, we need, I love what you say is purpose is what gives people hope. I mean, obviously from a Christian perspective that ultimately that’s purpose is in God. But in terms of his specific mission for us, when you feel like, and we talk about this a lot on Beyond the Crucible, when you feel like you are using your skills and abilities for a purpose that you feel like is making a difference in the world, whatever that means to you. It could be cleaning up a neighborhood park and the inner city or something. It doesn’t have to be this mega world, it doesn’t have to be the next world vision or something. It doesn’t have to be on that scale, but it makes you feel like life matters.
And I always believe, and we say this a lot, God gives us from my perspective, gifts and abilities, and he doesn’t do it on accident. So if he gives you certain gifts and abilities, you’re meant to use them. If you’re in a job that doesn’t use any of those, probably it’s not God’s plan from my perspective, because he doesn’t make mistakes. If he makes you creative and he makes you a leader, in your case. Well, there’s a reason he did that. He wants you to use that for some grand purpose.

Carey Conley:
Absolutely.

Warwick Fairfax:
So yeah, people just when they feel like I’ve got to be sensible, get that 9:00 to 5:00 paycheck and life is meaningless, and I just live for the weekend to play golf or hang out with my friends, and that’s okay, but a life without purpose and meaning is empty. So when you’re talking with young people and some, unfortunately not against parents, but some parents are not helpful. Ditch the dreams, be sensible. Okay, well, can you keep the dream and find a way to be sensible? Can we do both? A little creativity.

Carey Conley:
Right.

Warwick Fairfax:
So do you talk to parents at all? Because sometimes parents can be one of the big problems of-

Carey Conley:
The biggest.

Warwick Fairfax:
[inaudible 00:42:09] kids.

Carey Conley:
I hate to say, I see this turning a little bit now, but it’s still not easy that the messages are loud and clear from parents early on that they want what they think is best for you, and what they think is best for you may not be the vision that you have. Right? So, and I think a lot of that stems from them wanting their children to have better than what they had. Like me going to college, I’m sure that the message was clear because my parents did not go to college, and so they wanted me to have that education. So, and unfortunately, our schools are still very much wired to, okay, so you want to be a writer? Cute, but we’re going to groom you to go into the medical industry because by the time you get out of school, there’s going to be a huge need for that. Starting at age five, when they start going to school more than they’re at home playing, a whole different message becomes ingrained. And so the paycheck becomes the non-negotiable in their mind.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, as we begin to wind down in this conversation, obviously mental health is a huge focus for you. I’m sure you desire to get people before they’re even thinking about what sadly your husband and son did. What are some key things, certainly for young people, that just to begin to get them on the right path so they don’t even get to those ideation thoughts that are so… Once you have those ideation thoughts, I mean, who knows? You probably know more than me what happens after that, you don’t want to even get to the ideation stage. So, what are some of the things that’s a young person that maybe confused, maybe they don’t have supportive parents. They say, “Do I go to college? Do I go to trade school? My parents want me to be sensible. I don’t even know what that means,” and they’re just confused? Sea of confusion.

Carey Conley:
Yeah. Well, you’ve said it a couple of times, and I’ll use myself as example. So when I wanted to step into network marketing, I had a really great job and my son was two and I was five months pregnant. And so for a while, I stayed in the job and built my business on the side, to where I could get it to the level that I needed to be to be able to let go of the job and still cover the bills that I was paying in the household. So I had a game plan and I mapped it out so that I can go to my husband and say, “Okay, here’s what I want to do and here’s how I’m going to do it, and I’m going to shoot to get to this level in the company.” My goal was to get to the first level in Arbonne by the time my daughter was born, so I had three months to do it.
And so that’s what I did, is I just asked the leader, the one and only Mercedes driving VP in Arbonne in Colorado at the point, “How do I do this?” And she said, “If this is where you want to be, this is the activity you need to do every day, every week, every month consistently.” And I followed it because I had a game plan of shimmying out of where I was at the job. So you just have to have a plan and just take some baby steps like I said, every day. Get the support around you of the people who will support you, like I had the leaders in Arbonne who were saying, “We’ve got your back. We see you, and we’re going to be here for you every step of the way.” So you need those people too. And just know that that desire that’s tapping at your heart is never going to go away. It’s there for a reason. If that desire is there, God put it there, and you have everything you need to follow it out.

Warwick Fairfax:
That is such good advice. Rather than just jump and hope, jump but have a plan and make sure that plan is connected with your passion and purpose, and you have a support team. I mean, those, and obviously I’m sure this is all in your materials, but there are some key building blocks for creating a life that you love, right? Jump with the plan, make sure it’s satisfying your passion and purpose, and I think from our perspective, some broader purpose that helps others, and have a team that will help you, cheer you and offer you advice. All of those things greatly increase your chances of success.

Gary Schneeberger:
Speaking, folks, of having a plan, the captain of our plane has a plan. He may have heard he just turned on the fasten seatbelt sign indicating we are about to begin our descent into landing this conversation, but we’re not there yet. And before we get there, I would be remiss, Carey, if I did not give you the opportunity to let our listeners and viewers know how they can find out more about you and the services you offer. So, where can they find you and interact with you?

Carey Conley:
Everything is on my website and it’s just CareyConley.com. My podcast is there, the resources that I have are there, how to connect with me. Pretty soon there’ll be information about the event that I’m having later this year. So, that’s usually the best place to go, my books, etc.

Gary Schneeberger:
As a guy whose last name is Schneeberger and no one can spell it, co-hosting a podcast with a guy whose name is Warwick and the W in the middle is silent, how do they spell your name just so they can get [inaudible 00:47:31]?

Carey Conley:
Good question. C-A-R-E-Y C-O-N-L-E-Y.

Gary Schneeberger:
Fabulous. Speaking of our host, Warwick, as always, the prerogative of the last question or questions is all yours.

Warwick Fairfax:
So Carey, as I’m thinking about our conversation and what we’ve talked about, you focus a lot on mental health, young people. What’s your biggest dream for young people that’s been at the core of your vision as you’re moving forward?

Carey Conley:
That’s that these dark thoughts they have don’t end up coming to fruition. The movement, this community that I’m building is really a movement towards changing the trajectory of suicide and even having that as an option, because unfortunately, it’s getting younger and younger. There are nine-year-olds taking their lives. I mean, it’s just, it’s got to stop. So, we just have to really change this idea that it’s even an option.

Gary Schneeberger:
Folks, I’ve been in the communications business long enough to know when the last word on the subject’s been spoken. And our guest, Carey Conley just spoke the last word on this subject.
Warwick, we just had a very in-depth and spirited conversation with Carey Conley, our guest, who just went through some truly terrible crucibles. There’s a lot of stuff to unpack there, but what one or two things really stood out to you about what Carey shared?

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, I mean, Carey Conley was so inspiring. I mean, what she went through is just hard to comprehend how you could possibly get over losing her husband, Ross, to suicide in 2014, and then losing her son, Cole, three years later in 2017. I mean, how you come back from that is, it’s hard to imagine. It’s hard not to think, could I have seen the signs with my husband’s frustration at his job or feeling like this is not the life I want to live? And then with her son, Cole, he really didn’t want to be in the job he was in, and tragically was talking with his mother. They had the beginnings of a game plan of how he could shift into a different career, and just almost on the cusp of a positive change, he had this sudden reaction and without any plan, just takes his life. So it’s just, both are different circumstances but both are just unbelievable tragedies to come back from.
And what I find interesting and inspiring about Carey’s story is she said, “After these devastating losses, I was faced with a choice. I had to find purpose through despair, or I had to throw in the towel.” And as she says, she chose purpose. She has come with a whole mission of podcast helping young people, especially Mental Health Breakthroughs. She has two books, Keep Looking Up, and then Vision is Victory: Where Hope and Dreams Become Action and Achievement. She talks about how purpose is what gives people hope.
So she really tries to come alongside young people who are often fearful and confused and give them hope. They sometimes maybe often have parents that love them, but say, “Be practical,” which tend to tends to scratch the dream. And just helping young people just cling on to their dreams, not just jump without a plan. I mean, when she left the job she had and worked for Arbonne, which is I guess a healthcare wellness network marketing firm, she had a whole plan so that before she made the full-time jump from her current job, she would have enough money coming in to make it all work. So it wasn’t my jump mindlessly.
So I love what she does, helping young people realizing that, yes, I’ll have fear, but what’s one person you can talk to? What’s one step you can take? And really having a team. She had a team at Arbonne when she first started there, a team of people that were with her and said, “We’ve got your back.” So she has a methodology and tools to combat fear, to have a team around you, and really to make those steps to begin to change your life and move it in a positive direction. So I love what she does, and she has an incredible mission, and she’s definitely not let her worst day, her worst two days, define her.

Gary Schneeberger:
Right, and I mean, I was struck by just how similar what she does and what we do at Beyond The Crucible is. I mean, her big focus is helping people map out a vision for their life. And my goodness, if there’s a word that we say more than any other, it’s pretty close to vision, is that word. I mean, there’s a lot of similarities between what she’s doing, helping people draft out a written vision for their lives, and what we talk about, about how your vision must flow from your passions and your talents, right?

Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely, yeah. I mean, certainly some similarities. We talk about when you go through a crucible that didn’t happen to you, it happened for you. What are the lessons you can learn from your crucible? Maybe it was mistakes you made. If it was something, loss or something that happened to you, maybe there’s the seed of a vision. Maybe you can help people avoid what you went through or recover from the things that you’ve had to recover from. So, there can be seeds of a vision in that crucible. We want to make sure that that vision lines up with your beliefs and values, that it uses your skills and abilities. And we believe that a vision that’s sustainable, that you can persevere through the inevitable setbacks, has to be a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. So there were definitely common elements of vision and passion between what Carey does and what we do.
Yeah, that it is remarkable, that just this notion of a vision statement, it may not be, it’s probably more of an impressionist painting than photorealism. You may not figure out, this is what I’m going to do every day for the next 50 years and certain milestones, but you might have a sense as she did that she wanted to help people map out the vision for their lives. She had a vision, she was living her vision. She didn’t quite know how to get there but as we say off and on on Beyond the Crucible, what’s the first step? What’s the first action you need to take? What’s the first person you need to sit down and have lunch with? Okay, can I just have an hour of your time, half an hour, I’ll buy lunch, but I’d love to learn about what you do and just an informational session. People love to give advice. People love to share what they do to help somebody else, help the younger people.
So yeah, she definitely has a roadmap and a philosophy, and it’s just inspiring. And it’s tragic what she’s been through, but yet she has definitely not let her worst days define her. And it’s just inspiring what she does and what she continues to do. And she has fear, she is about to launch in new initiative, an in-person event, and she’s fearful, but she’s not letting her fear stop her from doing what’s on her heart.

Gary Schneeberger:
So until the next time we’re together, folks, Warwick and I have a couple of favors to ask you. One, if you’ve enjoyed this conversation, if you’ve taken some tidbits away from it, we ask you if you’ve watched it on YouTube, to subscribe to us on YouTube to Beyond The Crucible and leave a comment. Talk to us about what it is you enjoyed about this conversation with Carey and any of the shows that you may have listened to. And also on your favorite podcast app, please subscribe to the show, you’ll never miss one. And let us know, rate the show, let us know what you think about it.
And until that next time that we are together, please remember, we know your crucible experiences are hard. My goodness, we talked about some very hard crucibles that Carey has gone through, but you also heard folks, even devastating crucibles are not the end of your story. They certainly were not the end of Carey’s story. In fact, if you apply the lessons and you dive into the things that those very difficult circumstances can teach you, it can lead to the best part of your story because where it takes you is to a life of significance.
Welcome to a journey of transformation with Beyond the Crucible assessment. Unlike any other, this tool is designed to guide you from adversity to achievement. As you answer a few insightful questions, you won’t just find a label like The Helper or the Individualist, instead, and uncover your unique position in the journey of resilience. This assessment reveals where you stand today, the direction you should aim for, and crucially, the steps to get there. It’s more than an assessment, it’s a roadmap to a life of significance. Ready? Visit Beyondthecrucible.com. Take the free assessment and start charting your course to a life of significance today.