Want Contentment? Here’s How to Find It

Warwick Fairfax:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I’m Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible. Your job, your life, your career, your calling, you feel like, “This is what I was born to do, and I’m good at it, and I feel really passionate about it,” that’s great, but life never tends to be easy. Very few of us go through kind of a one-and-done crucible. Crucibles can crop up, roadblocks, challenges of different sizes, some more weighty than others, and so one of the things I’ve found is, and maybe from others too, even when you’re leading a life in line with your calling, it’s still possible to be discontented.

Gary Schneeberger:
Discontentment, it’s a crucible all its own when you’re not living a life aligned with your skills and values, but what if you are? Discontentment can be a world-rattler when it pops up under those circumstances. Warwick tackles this subject in his most recent blog, and in our discussion this week, we help you overcome those difficult feelings with such tips as understanding that contentment is not found solely in what you do, and asking yourself if your identity is wrapped up in the cause you are devoting your life to. If it is, another tip, decouple who you are from what you do.
Well, Warwick, we’ve got another fun episode this time talking about a blog you’ve written, and I’m going to drop a pin right here for you, folks. There’s an exciting detail about this blog that we’ll reveal later, so keep listening because in some ways you won’t believe one of the things that’s going to come out of our conversation of Warwick’s latest blog at beyondthecrucible.com, and that blog is called We All Want Contentment. Here’s How to Get It. Warwick, I’ll start at the start, at the beginning. What led you to write a blog called that, We All Want Contentment, how do we get it? What was going through your life, going through your mind, going through your heart when you wrote this?

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, Gary, it’s an interesting question. So there’s a friend and historian by the name of Stewart Johnson, and he has been working, gosh, more than 20 years, actually studying my great-great-grandfather John Fairfax. He has recently written a book which is in manuscript form. It should get published I think in the next few months. I’ve read quite a lot of manuscripts of this, and Stewart has very kindly asked me to write an endorsement for his book. So as listeners may know, this book about John Fairfax, he was the one that started the 150-year-old family media business in Australia. Originally, it was the Sydney Morning Herald, but then it grew to be a very large company with newspapers, magazines, TV, radio stations, newsprint bills. It was enormous. For a variety of reasons, as I was finishing my last year at Harvard Business School in 1987, with my dad having died and a bunch of things going on, management not making good decisions from my perspective, I launched this $2.25 billion takeover, again in 1987. Three years later, it doesn’t work out. Australia got in a big recession, we had to file for bankruptcy.
So all this to say that I was fully aware of John Fairfax’s remarkable business acumen. I mean, he was a business guy, he grew this paper into being a very successful … the leading newspaper in Australia, the Sydney Morning Herald. So yeah, I mean, I have a Harvard MBA, but I don’t have the natural business abilities perhaps that he does. I’m a reflective advisor. I’m not really a manager or a business leader, I don’t think so. I was aware of that. And yes, I’ve read the manuscript before, but this time I was really impacted by the extent of his character, and the strength of his faith. Well, I knew he was an elder at his church, and I’m an elder at my church, but he pretty much founded or funded every nonprofit in Sydney that existed at the time. I mean, it was incredible. He had this kindness, this face that just had this sort of the light in it, this sort of shining disposition, and whether it was his family or his employees, like when he died his employees said, “We’ve lost a kind and [inaudible 00:04:37] friend.”
He’d mentor church plotters at his particular church with plant in other places. He had not just strong faith, but such character and kindness. He would write notes to his kids when they were away saying, “Oh, I was looking for an image of you, a painting or a note, and tears came to my eyes,” with his, my great-grandfather James Reading Fairfax when he was like 19, 20, he was in England in the 1850s. He’s writing these just kind notes to his teenage, young adult son, and I’m like, “In the 1950s, a lot of dads didn’t do that to their sons.” We’re talking 1850s. I mean, this is ridiculous. I mean, who is this guy? I was just blown away by his kindness, and his compassion. As Stewart Johnson said to me, “I’m a historian, if there’s dirt, if there’s bad things to write about,” just like as you would appreciate, Gary, as a journalist, “I’m going to put it in there. My job is to be accurate.” He couldn’t find anything. There’s nothing, not one thing.
So all that to say is as I was reading this, especially just his kindness that came through to me, it frankly made me feel a bit bad about myself. I mean, I realized, look, I’m not a business guy at his level, and yes, my faith in Christ is the most important thing in my life, but I feel like his faith is head and shoulders more than me, and his kindness and impact in the world, not just from the size of it, but just the character of the man, it just made me feel a little less than. It’s like, “Oh, wow.” It’s like, “This is getting annoying. He’s too good.” So it made me think, how will I ever measure up to that standard of John Fairfax? I’m not talking about the business side, I realize that won’t happen, and I’m more or less okay with that, but his faith and character, those things are really, really important to me. Faith and character, values, beliefs, faith, character, that’s really important to me. It’s like, “Gosh, I try my hardest, but I don’t think I will ever be at the John Fairfax level.”
So that made me think a lot about contentment, and what it means, and just the danger of comparing yourself to others, even including areas of faith and values that you have. You think of friends or people you read about, people you work with, and you think, “Gosh, they’re so amazing. They’re so patient. They’re such good husbands, good wives, good fathers, good mothers. My gosh, look at all they do outside of work, and volunteer. How do they find the time and the energy? And they always have a smile on their face. I’ve never seen them get agitated ever,” and you start thinking of yourself, “Gosh, I try so hard that it’s like, wow, I can’t compete. I mean it’s just … Why not give up?” So it can impact your sense of contentment.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. I’m really glad … This is going to sound bad, and it won’t be bad after I finish the second sentence, the first sentence is going to sound bad. I’m really glad you wrote about this subject. It sounds like I’m really glad you felt bad and I’m not. I’m glad you wrote about the subject because when we say things like … When we talk about contentment, and what we’re going to talk about here, not placing your contentment in certain things, there’s a tendency for some people to maybe look at that as a negative, as you’re just settling, and that’s not what we’re talking about at all. I encourage you folks to keep listening and watching as we unpack Warwick’s blog, but what he just explained really shines a light on why he wrote about this subject, and we’ll get to even more pinpoint light as we go through the points of his blog.
I want to say one thing to you about on John Fairfax’s faith and character. I’ve been doing the show with you for more than five years now, and many is the time … You were talking about how he wrote a letter to his son, and it was this great letter. You’ve talked many times on this show, Warwick, about the way at birthdays and holidays, your family sits around the table and you speak words of affirmation to each other. That strikes me as being in the same ballpark, being on the same base of the same ballpark is what your great-great-grandfather was about. I’ve told you mostly jokingly that I have a historical crush on your great-great-grandmother. She was sensing he was having a hard time, sort of like you’re having a bit of a hard time, which you’ve admitted, you’ve acknowledged has led to this blog, and she went and encouraged him, and talked to him to tell him, “John, if you believe this is what’s going to happen, if you believe this is true, I have nothing but faith and trust in you. I believe in you.” Those kinds of things she told him.
I recall, I don’t know, I can’t recall the episode, Warwick, but I recall that on the episode when your book came out, your wife Gale wrote something that I read on air to you about how proud she was of you, and how she always knew this book would get published. In that sense, I’m not trying to correct you, but I am trying to say where you feel like you haven’t measured up, maybe all the way in the character and the faith of your great-great-grandfather, there’s evidence to counteract that from my perspective.

Warwick Fairfax:
Well, that’s very kind. It’s certainly not through lack of effort. I really try and encourage folks, and certainly my family, and yeah, no, I very much appreciate that. Maybe we can be too hard on ourselves, but sometimes we can be our own worst enemies, but yes, I appreciate that. Thank you.

Gary Schneeberger:
Well, yeah. Here’s the good part about it. When we’re hard on ourselves sometimes, and I think it plays out in this blog, if you’re being hard on yourself that’s for you to determine. You’ve got some great tips for people. So I want to ask you another question about this blog before we dive into it, and that is we’ve talked many times on this show about how you can feel discontentment when you’re living a life, as we described it in an earlier blog, that you want to escape from. You can feel discontentment when your life’s not on the rails where you want it to be. It’s not aligned with your beliefs and values, and talents and passions, but what you’re talking about here is the kind of discontentment that can even crop up when you are living your life of significance. That’s an all-new perspective for us. Explain a little bit about why this can happen and how hard it can be.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, I mean it’s an interesting question. Obviously, the first thing you got to do is make sure that your life and career, as we’ve been talking about, is in line with your beliefs and values, abilities and passions. You don’t want to lead a life that you want to escape from. That’s the first step. So let’s say your job, your life, your career, your calling, you feel like, “This is what I was born to do, and I’m good at it, and I feel really passionate about it,” that’s great, but life never tends to be easy. Very few of us go through kind of a one and done crucible. Crucibles can crop up, roadblocks, challenges of different sizes, some more weighty than others, and so one of the things I’ve found is, and maybe from others too, even when you’re leading a life in line with your calling, it’s still possible to be discontented. We might feel like we’re not doing enough.
Let’s say you’re leading some non-profit or you’re working in it, and it’s like you think to yourself, “There are so many people to help. I feel like the people we help is sort of like a drop in the bucket, a grain in the Sahara Desert, if you will. The need is so big, and we’re making a pinprick of difference in a food pantry,” in your town, whatever it is, and you just can feel less than. It’s like, “Gosh, I have friends, or I’ve read about people that have such a bigger impact than me, maybe I just don’t work hard enough, or maybe I’m not committed enough.” I guess you could start being negative towards others, “Maybe I don’t have the right people on the team,” and then that could lead you to being too harsh than you think so. Then you want to be, “Gosh, there was that other day when I was short with my team, or my wife, or my husband, gosh, that’s not the kind of person I want to be. I can’t believe I reacted that way. I mean, I just chewed their head off for no reason.”
Come on, maybe there were reasons, but it’s just, “I’m not like that.” You start getting hard on yourself and your character, and you start feeling like, “What we’re doing, it feels like just a drop in the bucket, and there’s so much more to do. There are so many more people to help, and I’m giving it my all, but my all, it’s not enough.” Then you can start feeling frustrated and discontent, even though you’re passionate about your mission you feel like it’s not enough, and that can cause ways of discontent and frustration to come over you.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. I told you as we were preparing for this offline that I had a great example that speaks to this idea that other people’s callings, they’re living them out better than I am, and I think about every single one, every athlete at the professional level. Because here’s the truth about every athlete on every professional baseball team, basketball team, football team, hockey team, all of those folks, they were the best player on their junior league team. They were probably their best player on their team in high school. They were close to the best player in college. In other words, they had nothing but A+, A+, A+, then they get to the big leagues, to the pros, and suddenly everybody’s been that player, and the pecking order gets readjusted. There are people on professional baseball teams right now who are sitting on the bench, they’re not playing much, who were the stars all the way through until they got to the pros.
I think that speaks to what we’re talking about here, is that we can’t all be the best player “on our professional sports team.” We can’t all have the greatest impact with our passion, skills, abilities, there has to be a stratification of who has the best, down to who has less. But here’s the thing, when you’re in professional sports, you’re still in this top 1% of people. When you’re living your calling out, and you’re living a life of significance, and you’re having an impact on others for the benefit of others, that is more than enough dare I say, that is what you were called to do. Does any of that make any sense?

Warwick Fairfax:
It makes total sense. I feel like the most mature athletes, they handle it pretty well. I think of tennis, which all Australians love tennis, and as folks know, that’s where I grew up. I think for a while, Pete Sampras had the record for the most major titles, and then Roger Federer beat him. I think it was probably a little bit frustrating for Pete Sampras, but he took it, I think, pretty well, and then lo and behold comes Novak Djokovic, and he beats Roger Federer’s record, and Roger Federer, he handled it. He handled it well, I mean he is happy. That’s great. I think mature athletes say records are meant to be broken, and I’m sure he probably would’ve liked to keep the all-time record for titles.
In fact, just as I’m thinking, the person I think originally broke Roger Federer’s record is Rafa Nadal, a big rival of Federer’s, but also good friends. I don’t think that really fazed Federer, and then along comes Djokovic and beats both of them in terms of all-time titles. I think both Nadal and Federer, they handled it well. They didn’t have their identity, their significance all wrapped up in major titles. I mean, they’re striving for success, they’re giving it their all to be the best at their profession, they are not backing off at all.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. It’s true what you said, records are made to be broken, but here’s what isn’t broken when your record’s broken, the impact you’ve had, right?

Warwick Fairfax:
Amen.

Gary Schneeberger:
Your impact is still impact whether your record’s number one, so apply that, folks, to your own calling, your own life of significance. “Your record,” the size of your organization, that may be surpassed, but your impact is never broken. I think that’s important to remember. Sorry, let’s go through the points, you may have noticed, folks, I didn’t say how many points. Again, stay tuned. Stay tuned about how many points we have. Let’s go through the points of your blog called We All Want Contentment. Here’s How To Get It. The first point in your blog work is this, contentment is not found solely in what we are doing. Talk a little bit about that.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. So that is really the first step, is when we think about it, contentment can never be found solely in what we’re doing. It doesn’t matter how noble the cause, contentment is not found in that cause, it’s really found within, and we’ll talk more about this. But if you have your whole sense of contentment wrapped up in the cause, the mission, and whether it’s doing well or not doing well, whether your company’s growing by 10 or 20% or not, whether the people you are serving increases by 30% or 40%, if your contentment is wrapped up in metrics, that’s never a good thing. Strive hard, try hard, but you don’t have contentment wrapped up solely in what you’re doing, it’s got to be found somewhere else, and from my perspective, found within.

Gary Schneeberger:
Good place to start. Here’s the second place that we go to in your blog, and that’s this, dig deep into your own beliefs and values. How does that connect to the first one and get you moving along this journey that you want to lead people on on finding their contentment?

Warwick Fairfax:
I think from our perspective, when you’re pursuing a mission or a calling, it’s got to be linked to your most deeply held beliefs and values. Many major religious ways of thought and religious perspectives teach us that contentment is not found in things, or as the Bible says in the things of this world. Again, it doesn’t mean that you’re not trying hard, but you’ve got to find a way to separate contentment from what you’re doing, and part of the keys to being able to make that separation is to begin to think of your own beliefs and values, which is really, contentment is definitely related to that.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. Second point. Here’s the third point. We’re moving with alacrity through these. This is good. The third point is this, ask yourself if your identity, ooh, this is a good one, ask yourself if your identity is wrapped up in the cause you are devoting your life to. The key phrase here, if I may, before I turn it over to you, the key phrase here is wrapped up in. Ask yourself if your identity is not in some ways tied to, or is not influenced by, no, is wrapped up in the cause you’re devoting your life to. Why is that perhaps a bit of a recipe for discontentment?

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, Gary, I like the way you emphasized the words wrapped up in, I mean those are the keywords. Again, especially if it’s some cause or mission that you’re over the top passionate about, that’s fine, but when your identity is all wrapped up in it, then whether you’re increasing people serve by 10 or 20%, or revenues going up or down, your identity will go up and down almost like the stock market. You don’t want to have your identity in line with the stock market or some other metric, it’s never helpful. You’ve got to make that separation. So if you say to yourself, “Gosh, in all honesty, my identity is wrapped up in what I do,” then that’s a problem because you’ll always tend to feel that, “Well, it’s never enough. I’m not helping enough people. I’m disappointing myself. I’m disappointing others.” So you’ll tend to get on a treadmill in which you go faster and faster and faster, but you will never go fast enough to feel good about yourself, it will always be just out of reach. It’s like, “When I climb that next mountain, that next ridge, then I’ll feel good about myself.”
We talk about identity a lot on Beyond the Crucible, there is the tendency to feel like, let’s say if you’re in the corporate world, “Gosh, when I get to vice president, I’ll feel good about myself. Well yeah, that was pretty good, but I’m really looking for senior vice president. Okay, that’s good, but executive vice president. COO. CEO. Chairman and CEO.” I mean where does it end? You keep moving up the ranks, if you’re lucky enough or good enough to get there, and it’s never that satisfying, but you fool yourself into thinking, “Ah, but that next promotion, that next mountain, then I’ll feel good.” It’s never the case, and you really got to separate your identity from what you do, and not that many people do that well. I can think of two people in the last few months that we came across, Stephanie Woollard and Jason T. Smith, both Australians, funnily enough.

Gary Schneeberger:
Of course, the 2872nd and 73rd Australians we’ve had on the show.

Warwick Fairfax:
Exactly. Yeah, we’re still trying to get to 3000. So Stephanie Wollard founded an organization, Seven Women, that strives to help impoverished women in Nepal, I believe. She was helping a lot of people, and after quite a number of years she felt it was time to hand over the reins to local people, and I asked her, “Stephanie, so how was that?” She says, “It was fine.” “You built this thing up from nothing.” “Yeah.” “So I guess you don’t have your identity wrapped up in what you do.” I mean, she really didn’t. She has a strong faith, but still.
Jason T. Smith, similar thing in a sense. He’s founded one of Australia’s biggest physical therapy business, and eventually sold it for quite a lot of money, and I said, “Jason, how did you not have your identity wrapped up in it?” He says, “Well, I always wanted to be a medical missionary, but I didn’t quite have the marks to get into medical school, so this is my second choice.” It wasn’t really what he thought he wanted to do, but clearly if you believe in the providence of God, somehow this was exactly what God wanted him to do.
So those were pretty stunning, neither of them, and they’ve both been incredibly successful in their different businesses and missions, but they didn’t have their identity wrapped up in what they did. It floored me.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. I’m an English major, so words mean everything to me. You mentioned the word enough, it’s hard, some people don’t think about it’s not enough, and it occurs to me that … Let me hold this up as an example. I’m not a very good example guy, but here’s an example. Here’s the word enough, on one side it can tip this way, this is not enough, and that can be dangerous as you just described, but it can also be dangerous if it goes this way, “Oh, this is enough.” Right? If you have the attitude, “That’s enough. I don’t have to try anymore. I’m done,” I mean, it’s a very delicate balance, to my point here, to keep enough in its proper perspective. You want to pursue something to make it as good as it can be, to make your life of significance as significant as you can make it, but at the same time, you can’t keep thinking that you’re less than, to use your words, if you don’t get it the same place somebody else’s life of significance.

Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely. Well said. I mean, one of the assumptions I think I’m making here is if you’re pursuing a mission and calling that’s linked to your deeply held beliefs and values, and you’re off the charts passionate about, there’s probably not a whole lot of chance you’re going to slack off and say, “Eh, we’re down 30% in terms of the people we serve because maybe we’ve got some people in the wrong spots or there’s some issues, who cares? Whatever.” The people, I think, that we’re talking about here is they will do whatever it takes to make that mission successful, they’re a 100% bought in so they’re not going to slack it off, but the challenge is to feel like all your identity is wrapped up in it so that no matter how hard you try, and the particular audience we’re talking to, they will feel like they can never try hard enough. Sleep is optional. Eating where you eat as you’re running from meeting to meeting. These are driven people, and it’s those people, and there’s a lot of folks like that that feel like it’s not enough.

Gary Schneeberger:
The blog, folks, is called We All Want Contentment. Here’s How To Get It. The first three points we’ve talked about already are contentment is not found solely in what we’re doing, the second point is dig deep into your own beliefs and values, the third point is ask yourself if your identity is wrapped up in the cause you are devoting your life to. Point four, Warwick. Again, I compliment you on this, every single time we do one of these, you connect these together so well. The fourth point connects greatly to the third point, and that’s this, decouple your identity from your mission. How do we do that?

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. So you’ve asked yourself the question, “Is my identity wrapped up in my calls or mission?” Let’s say you find out that it is, you really need to do a gut check. You need to ask yourself some questions that you may not want to ask, and you may certainly not want to answer, and that is, can you keep going with your mission and not have your whole sense of self wrapped up in the cause? Because if the answer is, “Frankly, no. 100% of my identity is in this course. When it’s going well, I feel great. When it’s going badly,” it’s one thing when things aren’t going well to feel bad, but it’s another thing when your whole sense of identity is wrapped up that you’re on this emotional rollercoaster. Your business has a good day and you’re feeling unbelievably excited, and your mission has a poor day and you feel unbelievably depressed. That kind of yo-yo, up and down emotional stuff is not good for anybody, that’s a sign that your identity is wrapped up.
Caring is different than having your identity wrapped up in your mission. Let’s say the answer is, “Gosh, yeah, I can’t decouple my identity from my course, it’s just me.” Then you might be faced with a hard decision, which is maybe you need to get out and hand the reins over to somebody that frankly has a, perhaps a more healthier, developed personality in the sense of they might not have their identity wrapped up in it. Maybe you’d be better in some other organization or other calls where your identity isn’t wrapped up in it. But basically you have to ask yourself, “Is this mission about me or is it more important than me? Do I really care about the people we’re serving or is this just some ego trip?”
If you answer it correctly, and there is a right answer here, the answer should be, “It’s not all about me, it’s about the people I want to help. It’s about the people in the organization,” then it’s like, “Look, if I can’t cut it in terms of having my identity all wrapped up in the business, if I can’t cut it, then the honorable, the character-driven decision, the values and beliefs-driven decision would be to leave.”Let somebody else do it, but you’ve got to be willing to do it.

Gary Schneeberger:
Right. This idea, the point, decouple your identity from your mission, find your identity within. I pulled a couple quotes. It’s funny. They’re from three different people, two of them have really easy names to pronounce. The one I’m going to read, of course, has somebody whose name I have no idea how to pronounce so I’m going to stumble through it, but here’s what this individual said about this subject. “When we cannot find contentment in ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere, like in our mission,” and that was said by Francois de La Rochefoucauld. I’m sure I got that wrong, but that’s who said it. “When we cannot find contentment in ourselves, it’s useless to seek it elsewhere, like in our mission.” I think that’s a strong quote that backs up the point you just made.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, contentment has to come from within. Obviously, from a faith perspective within would mean, I guess, the contentment that God gives us when we’re fully connected to Him. Obviously, there are ways we can look at this, but yes, basically it cannot come from the external work that we do, external environment, it has to come from within ourselves. There’s no easy way out of this. That’s where it’s got to come.

Gary Schneeberger:
You just said the word soul, and guess what’s in point five? I’m telling you, he does this to me all the time, folks. He does this to me all the time. He throws me off balance. He says a word, and then it’s in point five. Point five is this, either way do some deep soul work and self-reflection. We talk about this on Beyond The Crucible quite often. How does it fit perfectly in what we’re discussing today?

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. We’ve talked about the issue of identity, and you’ve got to decouple it, identity from what you do. This is where if there’s a problem and you say, “Gosh, my identity is frankly a 100% wrapped up on what I do, in the cause and mission I’m involved in,” you’ve got to ask yourself, “Well, why?” You’ve got to do some deep soul work and self-reflection. You’ve got to ask yourself, “Well, why do I have my identity so wrapped up in what I do?” Maybe there’s some hurt or some need from childhood, or from later on that was never fulfilled, and maybe you never got the affirmation, you feel like you should have got the love from your parents, or friends, teachers, friends, and it makes you seek love in other places, seek affirmation from, “Hey, look at what he or she is doing. Man, they’re doing so well.” Gosh, you are so great, and you just crave affirmation like a man or woman in a desert looking for an oasis. Sometimes that can be.
Sometimes people, not always, but it can be the case of people who strive the most are the ones who are filling this emotional need, this hole in their heart that needs to be satisfied. Again, not always, but sometimes. So you’ve got to ask yourself that question, and if you find, “Well, yeah, my parents, friends, nobody said I love you. I felt no matter what I did, it was never good enough. It was always, hey, great son, great daughter, that was good.” But here’s the next step, which to a kid sounds like, “Okay, so it wasn’t good enough mom or dad, I get it,” whether that was intended or not, that can be the message that a child receives. At that point, you’ve got some hard work to do. You might need to seek counseling, therapy, coaching, talk with friends and family, but certainly a first step can be talking to friends and family, it’s like, “Why do I get my sense of self so wrapped up in what I do?”
If it’s an issue of parents, your siblings might say, “Well, pretty obvious to me given the way mom or dad was around us,” or aunts or uncles, and you’ve grown up in the same environment, they get it. It could be a different situation. Maybe it’s the people you work with, a boss you’ve had may have just kind of treated you in a way that’s really affected you. Whatever it is, you’ve got to find a way to deal with it for the sake of your mission or organization. There’s also your family and your friends. Anger and frustration leak, and often we take out our frustration and unmet needs on the people we love the most. That’s normal, and we pretty much can’t do a whole lot about that other than deal with it. Don’t deal with it, the people you love the most are going to be hurt. It’s absolutely inevitable

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. It just occurs to me as you’re talking, one of the culprits that leads us en masse to key our identity into what we do, think about any obituary you’ve ever read. Joel T. Smith, 67, of City passed away. Next paragraph, he was a this, this, this and this. What did he do for a living? That’s the way society sort of says goodbye to those who have passed in a formal way in an obituary, they put what they did for a living. I think that maybe subconsciously it can seep into us regardless of those other things that you’ve just talked about. It’s a very interesting perspective. I hadn’t thought about it before.

Warwick Fairfax:
It’s such a good point, and it makes me think. You’re absolutely right on about obituaries in newspapers, but think about the eulogy at church, synagogue, a spiritual place, whatever it is, tends to be a bit different, and that’s when I think of John Fairfax. He was a man that was incredibly successful. He built the leading newspaper in Australia, became very wealthy, very influential. Yes, they talked about that, but they talked a lot about his faith, and what a good father and mother, and what a good friend, and what a good employee. People just said, “This man was so kind. He helped me when I needed it.” Gosh, other than funding nonprofits, there was stacks of people he just gave money to that weren’t involved in organizations, it’s just because.
So they were really focused in his eulogy on his faith and character, and how much he was admired and liked. It wasn’t like 90% Sydney Morning Herald in the eulogy. Yes, I’m sure that was there, but it was the other stuff, so you’re right. There’s a big difference between obituary, where we tend to key on what’s my obituary, and maybe we’ll talk about this later, maybe we need to focus a bit less on the obituary in the paper, and what do we want the eulogy to say.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. I’ve just written down something that we should trademark as part of Beyond The Crucible, and that’s this, live for your eulogy, not your obituary.

Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely.

Gary Schneeberger:
That is wisdom, and it leads, I did it to myself, that leads into the next point. The next point, point six in this blog is make a decision that you will no longer have your identity, here’s those words again, wrapped up, you will no longer have your identity wrapped up in what you do. Talk a little bit about why that’s so critically important.

Warwick Fairfax:
Life is about choices and decisions. Ultimately, at the end of the day, our life is summarized by what we decided to do about what we chose, who we marry, what we do, who we associate with, what we devote our life to. It’s all a series of daily decisions, sometimes multiple decisions every day. So if you’re somebody that says, “You know what? I don’t feel content because it’s never enough in my mission or cause that I’m over the top passionate about. I work 24/7. I hardly sleep, eat, which is not good, or see my family, again, not good, but I’m certainly going at it.” Okay, great, let’s say that’s you, which is typical for people in causes and missions, and you might say, “Well, I think I really do have my sense of identity wrapped up in what I do.” Then you’ve got to decide today that you are going to take a different path, the path where contentment is from within, and not based on what you do or what others think of you.
It’s easy to say contentment comes from within, contentment should come from our faith in God, our faith in Christ, our faith in whatever that means to you. It’s easy to have that as a bumper sticker, something you notionally believe around the circles that you live in, and pray with, and churches you go to or other spiritual places you gather. That can all be fine, but you’ve really got to make a decision saying to yourself, “Is what I believe, is this just a bumper sticker or does it mean anything?” In faith-based circles, in Christian churches people say, “Oh, yeah, I believe in Jesus.” Okay, great. But one of the things we say at church is Jesus is the Lord of your life, what that means is, more broadly speaking, are your faith and values really the ones that govern how you live or it’s just written on a piece of paper? That’s the broader translation of that, and that’s absolutely critical.
You might have some credo that’s on your wall, and a plaque hanging in your home, and, “Hey, I believe in kindness, and honesty, and serving other people. I believe God made us here to be a blessing to others.” It can be all sorts of things written in plaques on the wall, and you may look at them and say, “Yeah, well, I pretty much do that never. I just don’t walk in line with those values, and my identity is wrapped up in what I do.” You just have to make a decision that, “I’m going to live what I believe,” and living what I believe means, from my perspective, your identity is not wrapped up in what you are doing, it’s your identity is linked to your beliefs. If your identity is linked to your beliefs, then you’ll be more content. So is that plaque on the wall, is that just like a bumper sticker or is that something you really do live day in, day out?

Gary Schneeberger:
That segues into, and it speaks a little bit to what we’ve been doing on our series about the actionable truths of the brand. You can believe something, and it doesn’t really come alive until you do something, and your seventh point here is off of point six, pursue some practices that will help you make this decision that you made in step six a reality. So talk about that a little bit.

Warwick Fairfax:
It’s easy to say you believe in something. I believe in God. I believe in Christ. I believe in these sets of values, of kindness and self-sacrifice, and somehow being a blessing to others with the gifts God has given me, however you look at it it’s easy to say that. We need to pursue practices that will help make this decision a reality. It really depends on your spiritual frame of reference. It could be daily prayer or meditation. It could be reading the Bible each day or some other spiritual writings, or a book of wisdom that you feel really this sums up who you are. That’s something that I do from my Christ-centered perspective.
I have something we use at church, Chapter A Day, in which it gives you a scripture, it gives you a passage in the Bible. I’ll read that chapter, and there’ll be one verse that I key in on, to the point, and I reflect on it. What does it mean to me? I pray about it. I have scripture memory that I go over each day. I have a series of practices. Now those are the internal ones, the external practices could be going to a church or a like-minded spiritual group, again, that could take different forms, get together with like-minded people that share your beliefs and values.

Gary Schneeberger:
That’s point seven in the blog, folks. If you’ve been with us for any length of time, you know that the captain has now turned on the fasten seatbelt sign, we’ve begun our descent. Oh, no, we haven’t. Guess what? We haven’t. There are more than seven points in this blog, just like last month, there were more than seven points. Warwick, I’m this close to asking you to produce ID so I know that it’s really you.

Warwick Fairfax:
Exactly.

Gary Schneeberger:
But this is something, in all seriousness, that you thought was so important that you’ve added a couple more points to it. So the eighth point to your blog, and the name again, at beyondthecrucible.com, blog is called We All Want Contentment. Here’s How To Get It. First point was contentment is not found solely in what we’re doing. Second point is dig deep into your own beliefs and values. Third point is ask yourself if your identity is wrapped up in the cause you are devoting your life to. Fourth point, decouple your identity from your mission. Point five, either way, do some deep soul work and self-reflection. Point six, make a decision that you will no longer have your identity, those two words again, wrapped up in what you do, and point seven that we just discussed, pursue some practices that will help you make this decision a reality. That leads to point eight, Warwick, get grounded in your new spiritual paradigm.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. So you’ve made a decision to not have your identity wrapped up in what you do. You’re pursuing practices. It could be spiritual practices of some spectrum, whether it’s Bible reading, reading some spiritual wisdom, associating with people that have your faith and values, so you’re making a start. We need to get grounded in that new spiritual paradigm. It can’t be like sort of dieting, “Yeah, I dieted for a week, and now I’m sort of back to no exercise, and eating whatever I want.” That’s not being grounded. Whatever your new paradigm is, you’ve got a bunch of practices you’re putting in place, you’re meeting with like-minded people, you’re doing some daily prayer, meditation, reflection, whatever, scriptures of wisdom, literature that you like to do, but you’ve got to make sure you’re headed in the right direction. This has become the new norm, maybe a few weeks, a few months have gone by.
Once you start to feel like this has really taken hold, that your inner soul life is heading in the right direction, and maybe you see a bit of a change, maybe you see 20 or 30% less of your identity is wrapped up in what you do, again, either way, you’re committed to what you do, that’s not the issue here, but maybe you sense, “Gosh, whether we’re down by 20 people this month that we seek to serve, we’re up by 20, or revenues up or down by 10 or 20%, okay, the company’s not going under. They’re not closing the doors on the mission or the nonprofit.” If you feel like your internal emotional barometer’s not going up and down like a yo-yo to the stock market, it’s like, “Oh, that was disappointing. We didn’t serve as many people as we’d like to, but let’s figure out what happened, and is there anything we can do, and we’ll tackle it today, and tomorrow we’ll figure it out. And if for some reason there’s factors beyond our control, okay, then I’ll just accept that.”
So you start having more of a level-headed approach to challenges, and not all that wrapped up in your identity, that’s a good sign. Even if it’s not perfect, if you feel like, “Well, I still was kind of pretty frustrated, but on a 1 to 10 scale I was frustration 6 versus frustration 10, in which I’m normally at.” That’s a win. Perfect separation of identity from what you do is obviously a challenge. Perfection is almost impossible, but you’re headed in the right direction. That’s really what this eighth point is about, is if I’m heading in the right direction, maybe you have an easier question to ask is, can I continue pursuing this vision that I’m off the charts passionate about, that will lead to a life of significance, which we talked about is a life on purpose dedicated to serving others, without having my identity and self-worth wrapped up in it?
If you’ve got yourself grounded in new spiritual paradigm, all things being equal, it would be easier to say, “You know what? I’m willing to give it a few more months, another year or two because I feel like I’m headed in the right direction. I’m decoupling my identity from what I do. Maybe I’m not a 100% there, but I see hope.” Friends and neighbors see hope. If you’re on a nonprofit organization, if you’re involved in that, the board might be saying, “Hey, Fred, Mary, I think this is remarkable. We’re seeing true change. We’re seeing less of the yo-yo emotionally. We’re seeing you not react if you don’t always agree with a board member’s advice. You’re listening to us rather than say you don’t know what it’s about because I founded this,” and off you go on your rant, how you don’t get how important this is, and all that kind of stuff. You will hear from other people, and within yourself, “I’m making headway,” so that’s really what this point is about.

Gary Schneeberger:
So here’s the ninth point, folks, the one that will get the plane on the ground, and that is this, either way, live your life based on your inner soul. Why is that the place to wrap up this discussion?

Warwick Fairfax:
Ultimately, this is the way to find the place that we all want to get to, which is contentment. We want to feel like we’re striving for what we feel is important. We’re on a mission that we feel like we love. It’s based on our beliefs and values. We’re off the charts passionate about it. We’ve got skills and abilities that fit. This truly is our calling. Maybe we feel like it’s a God-given calling, but we want to be able to do that, and have a sense of contentment rather than, “It’s never enough. There are more people I could help, more revenue, more metrics,” whatever it is. When you’re living your life based on your inner soul, then you can be content. You don’t live to please others or to fulfill your own expectations, which typically is unrealistic. We tend to self-sabotage, whatever expectations we set is typically impossible to reach. Certainly, if your identity is wrapped up in what you do, you know that you’ve set the goalpost in such a way that you will never meet it, and if you do meet that, well, of course you extend the goalposts.
Your inner psyche, wounded psyche, if you will, ensures that you’ll fail to reach your expectations. Its damage is designed to make sure that you don’t succeed in fulfilling expectations, it can do certainly. So enjoy what you’re doing as a byproduct of who you are and what you believe, but not the focus. So when you serve another, a hundred people, or you come out with something that will serve people in a new better way, enjoy that, celebrate that. Hey, that’s great, you can enjoy it rather than saying, “It was all me,” or, “My identity’s all wrapped up,” you can enjoy it because of how it’s helping others. It’s a different emotion. You can enjoy something without your identity being wrapped up in it, it’s possible to decouple that. So one of the things we say here a lot is your joy should come as much, if not more, from the journey rather than the goals which are often unattainable, so enjoy each day. Isn’t it great I get to work with a fantastic team? Isn’t life great?
Maybe you’ve got, not everybody has this, but if you have just a wonderful wife, husband, kids, and there’ll always be challenges, but enjoy the blessings. Enjoy the journey as you’re building that nonprofit or mission, or even it’s a for-profit organization that can still be a mission and cause about it. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the small wins rather than the unattainable expectations. Just enjoy the journey. So when we don’t have our identity wrapped up in what we do, we won’t be focusing on the goalposts. Yes, we’ve got metrics we want to achieve, but our focus won’t be just on the metrics and the goalposts. Our focus will be on let’s enjoy today. Let’s make sure we’ve got the goals, and we try and hit those goals, and if we don’t, we’ll recalibrate and figure it out, but I’m just not going to focus a 100% on tomorrow and the goals. I’m just going to enjoy the journey with the people I’m with.
I’m going to just be a person of character with faith and action, if you will. I’m going to enjoy treating people well, caring for them, listening to them. I’m not going to be so focused on the goals and destination that I can’t enjoy the journey, or have time to celebrate with the people that I love and care about. So contentment means, yes, you can still strive for those goals, but those goals don’t own you, you own them. It’s just different.

Gary Schneeberger:
Plane’s on the ground, folks. Warwick just … perfect landing on the plane even though we were in the air a little longer than we normally are, but that’s okay because there were really good points here. I like the fact that you came back, Warwick, at the end, and really connected it to the idea of crucibles, and things that can be difficult for us, because that’s what we’re here to talk to people about. Let’s go where we go every time we have one of these, and that’s to ask you, it’s a difficult question because obviously there’s a lot of stuff, you put a lot of yourself into this, but what is the one truth, the most important thing that folks can do that you’d like to leave for our listeners and viewers from this discussion of your blog?

Warwick Fairfax:
Comparing the size of your calling with others, your mission, or faith, and character is never helpful, and from my perspective, God does not look at us that way. I’ve really been thinking about my own faith, and calling, and character. As I think about John Fairfax, yes, his faith was off the charts, and he was such a kind man, and yes, he had this large business, but he was so well-respected and so kind, but it’s not about the size of the impact, or the size of the vision, or even how kind he was, or how much faith he had, I mean how can you possibly compare? I can’t or I shouldn’t, I think would be a better way of putting it, but I don’t think God looks at it that way. I think God looks at it, from my perspective, have you been faithful with the gifts and talents that I’ve given you? Have you followed the calling I’ve laid on your life? Have I followed the direction that you’re calling me to? That’s ultimately what matters.
None of us are perfect. We’re going to have bad days. We’re going to have times in which we were a little snippy with family or impatient, or fell short of our own ideals. Maybe the organization didn’t hit the goals we wanted it to. There could be all sorts of things, but at the end of the day, you can’t compare yourself to, let’s say Billy Graham or Mother Teresa, or whatever the equivalent is for you. There might be people you know that you feel like, “Gosh, they’re so much more patient, they’re so much a better mother or father, or friend, or employer than I am. I feel bad because they’re so much better than I’ll ever be.” You can go down a negative spiral saying, “Gosh, I can’t be like my friend. They’re like a saint relative to me. I mean, what’s the point? I’ve never seen them grumble ever, or if they do it’s just write it down on a piece of paper because it hardly ever happens.” You just can’t compare yourself, it’s just not good.
Again, the other point is really you’ve got to find contentment from within, and not have your identity and contentment wrapped up in the size of the mission, and the size of the impact. Contentment should be as much, if not more, in the journey, the day-to-day wins, being with people that you love and respect, being on a journey that you feel like really matters, and just try to treat people well that you’re around. Be thankful for every day, whether it’s prayer at home, prayer in church, or walk in the woods, whatever it is, just be thankful for the journey. I guess in summary, I’d say we’ll never be content if we just keep comparing ourselves with others who we feel might had a bigger impact, stronger face, stronger character than we do, because God just does not look at us, He does not look at things like that.

Gary Schneeberger:
That is a wrap, except for how we always end every podcast that talks about one of Warwick’s blogs, and that is where it pulls together some reflection questions, folks, you can ask yourselves, you can ponder from this discussion. The first one is this, how much do you have your whole sense of self, your identity, wrapped up in what you do, including your cause or mission? Second question for reflection, decide today that you will not have your identity wrapped up in your mission, and will pursue spiritual practices that support the you that you want to be, whose identity is decoupled from what you do. The third point to ponder as you process what we’ve talked about today is this, enjoy the journey and focus on the inner work, in part your character, rather than obsessing about the mission, you might find you actually accomplish more. Isn’t that what we’d all like to do? If it’s possible for us to do. So, folks, that will wrap another episode of Beyond The Crucible.
Warwick and I have a little favor to ask you. If you’ve enjoyed the show, if you’ve taken something from this episode, and previous episodes that have helped you navigate your own journey from trial to triumph, we’d ask you if you’re listening on your favorite podcast app, to subscribe to the show, you’ll never miss an episode, and to leave a rating for the show, what you think about it. If you’re watching us on YouTube, we’d ask you to do similar things. We’d ask you to subscribe to the show, you’ll never miss an episode, and to also leave a comment on our YouTube channel so that we can know how you feel about what we’re doing, and ask questions when you’re there.
Until the next time we’re together, understand, we know your crucibles are tough. You’ve heard Warwick and I talk about our crucibles and how tough they were more than a few times, but we also know this platinum truth about crucibles, they didn’t happen to you, they happened for you. If you learned the lessons of them and apply those lessons moving forward, you can chart a course to a new destination in your life, which will be the most fulfilling destination you could ever reach because that is a life of significance.
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