To Truly Help Others, Aim to Assist Them Not Control Them

To Truly Help Others, Aim to Assist Them Not Control Them

by Warwick Fairfax

November 28, 2025

People, certainly many of us, have a tendency to try to control everything and everyone. Sometimes we tell ourselves that we have the best of intentions. We are merely trying to help people, which may come across as trying to fix them. They may be our family, friends or coworkers, and we care so much about them. We are just trying to offer some “friendly advice.”

The problem is that when we try to help others or try to fix a certain situation, others may perceive this as controlling. It is their life and they may resent us trying to tell them what to do and fix situations that they might feel don’t need to be fixed, or at least not how we want to fix them.

Crucibles can make this worse. When someone we truly care about is going through a devastating crucible, we desperately want to help them. We feel we know the solution that will help make them and the situation better.

The problem is that we will not always be right. We may not have the correct solution to help others or the right answers to fix every situation. Moreover, we are not God. What right do we have to impose our solutions on others or our answers on every situation or crucible that arises?

So how do we let go and stop trying to fix everyone and every situation?

1. Accept that it is not our role to fix people and fix every situation. We are not God. This is a tough proposition to accept. We might care so deeply about the person. How can we sit here and do nothing? We have to make a choice. We need to ask ourselves whether it is really our role to fix other people. Deep down we know the answer to that question.

2. Realize that our perspective on someone and any given situation won’t always be right. There might be information we don’t have or perspectives that we are not aware of. We are often so sure that we are right. We know what needs to be done. It is obvious. We can jump into action without fully thinking through whether we have a full perspective. We might not even have fully listened to the person we are trying to help. Don’t they have a right to be heard?

3. People have the right to be “wrong” and follow their own path. Even if we are convinced we have all the information and a full perspective on the person or the situation, which is often not the case, we have to let it go. We can try to help someone, but if they say no, even if we are convinced that the person is not making the right choice, it is their life. People have the right to live their own lives, irrespective of what we might think.

4. Treat people the way you would like to be treated. Would we like to be controlled or told what to do in any given situation? Those of us who think we have all the answers typically hate it when others tell us what to do. Why would we try to “force” someone to make a certain decision or live in line with our viewpoints, when we would hate it if they did that to us? That makes no sense. Next time, we are tempted to try convince people about something, consider how you would react if you were them.

5. Analyze why we have to fix a given person or situation. Sometimes it might be that we just care so much about them. Or it might be that the crucible or the pain or challenge that someone else is going through, might trigger something within us. Perhaps we have gone through a similar crucible, and we feel we know the way back. Just because one path worked for us, doesn’t mean it will work for everyone else.

6. Let go and let God. For those of us who believe in a higher power, be it or God or some other religious or spiritual perspective, we need to realize that we are not in control. Someone else is and perhaps the other person or situation is unfolding for a reason, often a reason we cannot understand at the time. There are many things in life we can’t control or fix. When we have tried to help, even if we have done it the right way and have not been too pushy, we need to let it go when the person does not want our help. Believing in some higher power or spiritual force, can give us the hope that while we may not be able to fix the situation, perhaps someone else might be able to or there might be some higher power that might be at work.

7. Confess and apologize when we have stepped over the line and have been controlling. Sometimes other people will call us out. Sometimes we might be self-aware enough to realize when we have told others what to do again, and that it was not appreciated. At that point, we just need to say we are sorry. You might be surprised that others might actually offer us some grace and will appreciate our contrition.

8. Focus on “fixing” ourselves. Rather than focusing on other people’s issues and problems, how about focusing on our own issues and problems. Especially when we are trying to bounce back from a crucible and get beyond it, our energies and time would be well spent in trying to move forward and become the best version of ourselves.

It is not easy for those of us who feel we have the answers to other people’s problems to hold back. This is especially true when it involves other people and other situations we deeply care about. We have to exercise some self-control. It is not our responsibility to fix others. When people make choices that we feel are not good, we can offer to help and offer to provide some thoughts; but we cannot step over the line and be controlling. Once we are told no, then we need to back off.

That is where the line is. Offer to assist but don’t insist. I am reminded of the serenity prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr which is widely used by Alcoholics Anonymous, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The path to peace in part comes from giving up the urge to control everything and everyone. Even with ourselves we won’t be able to fix everything we want to, or at least not all at once. We need to let it go.