Embrace Your Wounds To Conquer Their Power Over You

Warwick Fairfax:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I’m Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible. We know that we can’t just brush off our crucibles… well, hopefully, we should know, but we ignore these aftershocks about crucibles and our wounds at our peril. The key is when you feel triggered by these aftershocks and wounds, is to deal with them immediately and not let them fester and get worse.

Gary Schneeberger:
Aftershocks from a crucible you’ve experienced are common, as are wounds that might be independent of those crucibles. As we discussed this week, it’s critical you identify and create a strategy to neutralize those wounds as you pursue a life of significance. How? Warwick has eight tips for you in his latest blog, and we cover each one of them in this episode. Welcome, friends, to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. I’ve never used this phrase to describe an episode like this, it’s kind of like we’re going from page to screen, or from page to soundtrack, if you’re just listening and not watching this. But this is another one of those episodes, Warwick, in which you and I discuss your latest blog at Beyondthecrucible.com, and it’s a subject, dare I say, that you and I, and probably everybody who’s listening to us right now or watching us, knows pretty well, isn’t it?

Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely. Well said.

Gary Schneeberger:
And what is that subject? That subject is of the blog is, Wounds Are Inevitable, Here’s How to Minimize Their Pain. It’s all about wounds, what we do with those wounds. And we’ve prepared… we’ve got some pretty good insights, I think, for you, folks. So Warwick, I’m going to ask you off the bat what led you to write this blog, which as I said is called Wounds are Inevitable, Here’s How to Minimize their Pain? What was the leading for this particular blog? Because I know there’s always something different perhaps that strikes you and leads you to write.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. I’ve been reflecting on the fact that our major crucibles may well be obvious, and one of the reasons they’re obvious is the searing pain obviously is something that we remember, and hopefully, we’ve gotten over that worst day, that searing crucible. But one of the things I’ve been reflecting on is we can often ignore the aftershocks of those crucibles, or indeed other wounds that come up, so you’re over the crucible, but sometimes, something triggers it, somebody says something, you read something, and it feels like you go back to that worst day. It’s not quite the searing pain because you’re over it, but it’s a bit like an earthquake, it’s like an aftershock, it’s not like a 9 out of 10 pain, but maybe it’s 3, 4, 5, it’s something, it’s meaningful. And then sometimes, other wounds come along and maybe they don’t have anything to do with the original crucible.
We might think, “Okay, look, it’s not a 9 out of 10 pain, it’s like a 3 or a 4, it’s not that big a deal,” and we ignore it because we know what searing pain is and it’s just… maybe it’s not a paper cut, but it feels like painful but not life-threatening. And so we just blow right past it. So the problem is we know that we have to deal with crucibles, or at least everybody, and who’s been guest on our podcast, you, Gary, and I know that you’ve got to deal with crucibles, many in our audience know that, but what we can’t ignore is what we see as minor wounds, aftershocks, but the reality is, if we don’t deal with these aftershocks and wounds, they can fester and get worse.
It’s like if you cut yourself and there’s dirt all over that cut, you think, “Well, I’m not going to die from this cut, let’s just ignore it.” And it gets worse and, “Ah, do we need antibiotics? It looks like it’s infected, but not a big deal, let’s just ignore it. “That minor wound can get worse. So the smart play is not to get too into this medical analogy is you get out the Neosporin, stick a bandaid on it, and you’re fine. You don’t just… not even going to wash the wound, you do something because that would be dumb, and most of us don’t want to be dumb, right?

Gary Schneeberger:
Right. And I’ll take us into the ocean, one of the things I’ve thought about as I was reading the blog and as we were preparing for this episode is that wounds, as we talk about them here, as you talk about them in the blog, aren’t necessarily crucibles… they can be, but they’re not necessarily the crucibles you’ve been through, but they’re the barnacles that kind of stick to you, like barnacles stick to a ship going through the water, they’re the barnacles you pick up over time that stick to you in the aftermath of a crucible, I think, is the way I look at it. That’s a fair analysis, isn’t it?

Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely. That is a terrific example, because barnacles eventually will slow us down, they’ll have an effect. And so what do you do? You clean the barnacles. It’s like anything in life, you’ve got to do maintenance, clean it, get rid of the stuff that’s slowing you down. People with boats, they will regularly clean the hull, get the barnacles off, that’s what you do with boat maintenance, people know that. Well, we shouldn’t treat ourselves not as well as our boats or other things that we own, it’s like you could have a dinghy, you still got to scrape the barnacles off, at least if you live near the ocean. In my case, when I think of aftershocks and wounds, I kind of relate it back to the crucible, which, for me, the biggest crucible of my life was the failed $2.25 billion takeover I did of my family’s 150-year old family newspaper business.
It was in 1987, I was 26 years old, just back from Harvard Business School, and for a variety of reasons that I’ve mentioned elsewhere, the takeover didn’t succeed. And the pain was searing not so much because of the money, because that’s not really been a huge motivator for me, but the fact that I felt like I let my family down, my father, my mother, 4,000 plus employees, my great-great-grandfather, John Fairfax, who founded the company in 1841, a person of great faith, and even in some sense, God, because I felt like God had a plan to resurrect the company, the image of the founder, and whether that was right or wrong, that was my belief. And so I felt like when I failed, I let God down. So obviously, if he’d wanted it to succeed, it would have despite my failures and my mistakes. So all that has to say is this is a long time ago.
I would say that through prayer, my wife, friends, meditating on scripture, a variety of means, I feel like I’m now in a good place and that it’s, quote, unquote, “over,” so to speak, I don’t really think about it every day, although I do talk about it often on the podcast. And I don’t get into a ball of pain after I talk about it on the podcast, it’s like we talk about it often, Beyond the Crucible, what does that mean? Well, this is what it means for me, it’s not like I ever think about, but it doesn’t really cause me searing pain. Now, that being said, sometimes, there are what they call aftershocks. So to give you an example, a couple of years or so ago, right about the time when my book Crucible Leadership came out, there was an editorial cartoon in an Australian paper, and as Gary and I talk, and Gary’s a former newspaper man, so he gets this editorial cartoons, they’re never favorable, nobody ever looks at it and go, “I love that cartoon.” And I know it’s about me, but that was so awesome.
I don’t know that that’s existed in the history of newspapers, maybe, but I’ve never seen one. So there was one of me signing books at a table or something, my book, and it basically said, “Warwick will give you a copy of his book for a price.” Well, it’s like, who sells their book for free? It was a stupid cartoon, silly. If you want to have a go at me, at least make it a good one. But it was just silly. But yet, it’s like, seriously, they’re going to have a go… I mean, can’t they leave me alone? They’re going to have a go at me because of a book. And so it was somewhat triggering, there were aftershocks, even though in my head I knew it was silly, you can’t necessarily stop the emotions immediately. So that’s sort of one example.

Gary Schneeberger:
And it’s important to say, Warwick, it’s important to say too on the subject of cartoons, one of the reasons that hit you so hard is because during the takeover, the cartoons were savage that were drawn and published about you. So it’s not just that this particular cartoon might’ve been goofy, that doesn’t matter, you had a wound, you have a wound about cartoons because of the crucible, and that’s a great example of that, barnacle has been there, and you don’t have to necessarily treat it if no one’s writing cartoons about you, when someone did it, it brought it back up, right?

Warwick Fairfax:
Excellent point. Very good point. So that’s right. Back in the takeover days, and after it launched the takeover in late August 1987, there was one cartoon that showed me as sort of Genghis Khan, like a Mongol raider near China. Genghis Khan occupied a lot of that part of the world. And so it had me on horseback with the mustache, and the fur hat, and some like spear. And basically, he said, “Young Warwick,” as he used to call me, because my dad was Sir Warwick, “Fairfax launches a takeover with his band and basically destroys a company in a day that took 150 years to build.” I was cast as this ruthless Mongol raider. So yeah, there were others, but yeah, it’s excellent point. It was certainly triggering of the takeover and the cartoons back in the day. And so this crucible has had other manifestations because of all the uncertainty when I was growing up, there was a huge expectations that I would one day lead the company.
So I went to Oxford, worked on Wall Street, graduated from Harvard Business School. So there was incredible sense of duty, obligation, expectations, and given though a family, in fighting back decades, there was a lot of uncertainty as to what would happen, how was it going to look? Would I be able to fulfill my father and my parents’ expectations? So a lot of stress, and uncertainty, and unknowable consequences, and the future was unknowable, certainly back when I was growing up, all that’s to say is when you grow up with a lot of uncertainty and with a lot of parent money, people tend to look at you like, “Oh, you haven’t done anything,” and you want to prove yourself. And all sorts of things going on, it’s tended to make me somebody that really doesn’t like change. I’ve had enough change and uncertainty in my life that I like my rhythms, and I don’t really change.
That being said, I realize that I don’t like change. And so if we have to change, do things, move, redo the house or whatever necessary changes are, I don’t know that I love it, but I recognize, “Okay, I don’t like change, I’m not going to just not do it just because I don’t like change.” All that’s to say is that in my case, there are aftershocks, there’s triggering. When I go back to Australia to visit family, that is pretty much always triggering because I’m back in Australia, I’m reminded of the family, and wealth, and all of that, that’s produces challenging relationships where it can, and just the takeover and it’s aftermath has been challenging for everybody in my family, they’ve got their own wounds from that.
And so I’m reminded of that and reminded of my own crucible. And so being in Australia, it makes what seems distant a lot more present. So I’m not going to not go back and see family, but I realize there are going to be some challenges, I’m going to hit some barnacles, some speed bumps, and it is what it is, and then I just try and deal with it the best I can.

Gary Schneeberger:
Right. You’ve just gone through sort of your experience with those wounds. Now, we’re going to turn to, from your blog, eight points, this time, I won’t even joke that they’re not seven points, that there is often… I guess I did joke anyway, sorry, but there’s eight points in the blog that can help people navigate through the wounds that they’re encountering as they’re moving beyond their crucible. And the first one of those is… and this one’s critical, folks, this one is… there’s a reason why it’s kind of the umbrella one over all the other points, and that’s this, “Accept that our wounds will never fully heal.” That’s not discouraging news, you can read that as like, “Oh, geez, it’s never going to heal. Next.” But really, it’s not discouraging news, it’s realistic news. Talk a little bit about that.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. The first step to dealing with a problem is acceptance, accept that you have a problem. If you said, “Nothing to see here. I’m done with my crucible, I’m so over it. I don’t recognize any aftershocks, I don’t recognize any wounds. It didn’t happen, it’s not happening. It’s not real, it’s a figment of my imagination,” well, that’s not healthy. It’s like, “Gee, do I have a cut on my arm? Nope, no cut to see here. I’m ignoring it. I’m moving on.” Well, that’s just not smart. And so I think one of the things we have to realize is that aftershocks will happen from our crucible, that’s inevitable. I don’t know that those aftershocks will ever fully go away, their wounds are going to come up from time to time.
So in that sense, yes, an individual wound may lessen, it doesn’t mean that they will fully go away. There’ll be scabs and scars from crucible, that’s just inevitable. So you got to accept the fact that wounds are a part of life, and there will always be scars and scabs. And the question is, are you going to accept that or ignore it? Are you going to deal with it or just say, “Nothing to see here”?

Gary Schneeberger:
Right. And those wounds can have long contrails on them. I go back to the story that you told just a few minutes ago about that cartoon that was done in Australia about you, you hadn’t had a cartoon done on your work in 30 years, you probably hadn’t thought… Right. You hadn’t thought about… I would think you hadn’t thought about, “Oh, cartoons,” but then when one hits, it triggers it. So you hadn’t even thought about that, you might have assumed it went away. You certainly hadn’t thought about it, but there it was. And that’s a great example, isn’t it, of how they don’t go away and they can come up and be just as vivid when they come up as they were when you first experienced them?

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, excellent point. I think of another example that… people wrote about the takeover, and my mistakes, and somebody wrote one of my least favorite titles, A Man Who Wouldn’t Wait,” basically, if I’d waited, I would’ve inherited enough shares from… well, I did from my dad and then from other family members, and I could have been in a controlling position anyway. So I get the point, there is some point to that, but obviously, I had my reasons, wanting to change management and restoring the vision of the company, the founder, and some takeover fears back in ’87. So I had my reasons, right or wrong. So that wasn’t helpful, but then a number of years after the takeover, there was a book written saying that the company hadn’t been run well in the ’90s and 2000s. And rather than saying, “Okay, it was up to the present owners, shareholders, management,” it’s like, “Well, it all started with Warwick’s takeover.” So really, it’s Warwick’s fault.
The fact that the company wasn’t run well in the ’90s and 2000s, and maybe some would say maybe even today, it depends on what commentary you read. It felt like it all boils down to things would’ve been fine had the Fairfax family still maintained control, despite the fact that we’re fallible people, and there was infighting, the future’s unknowable, but to say that everything would’ve been great, I mean, come on. So that was like, “Are you serious?” I mean, not only… okay, you want to blame me for the takeover, I deserve certainly some degree of blame, but now you want to blame me for something where I wasn’t even in control, the ’90s and 2000s, that was somewhat triggering when that came out a number of years ago. It’s like, “Come on, can you leave me alone? I mean, really? Is every problem in the world my fault?” It felt that way,

Gary Schneeberger:
Right. And one of the ways is… in your second point, one of the ways that you can inoculate yourself a little bit on those things coming up and surprising you is the second point of your blog, and that’s, “Take an inventory of what your wounds are.” Really right to use a phrase you use a lot at Beyond the Crucible, do a little soul work. What are your wounds? Explore what those wounds are. That’s really important to do, isn’t it?

Warwick Fairfax:
It is. Some may be obvious like, okay, I had this sear in crucible, but are you aware of what the potential aftershocks are? Like if an editorial cartoon comes out, it’s going to be triggering, because of what you just said about the takeover, and some of the bad editorial cartoons years ago, or somebody writes a recent book, or if there’s rapid change, I’m not going to like it. And there are other wounds from my upbringing and different things that makes me sensitive to certain things. The point is know what your wounds are. Some may be obvious, but some may be less obvious. So when those aftershocks or those wounds… not every wound that you have has to relate to your crucible, it could be other more minor, what you perceive as more minor issues, be aware of that. So when you start feeling irritable and angry, it’s like, okay, I’m not totally sure what it is, but I think there could be… there’s a few possibilities of why I’m getting triggered.
And so if you have an idea of what those wounds are, then it’s a matter of, okay, well, it could be an aftershock, or I could be getting triggered by one of these other wounds. At least you have some idea of, as we’ll talk about in the moment, where to look. But if it’s like, “Nope, all I have is that crucible, which is big enough, but I don’t have any other wounds,” or, “I might have any other wounds, but I am clueless to what they are, and I don’t care what they are because I’m moving on, I’m not looking at the past.” That’s not smart. Be aware of what your wounds are, because if you’ve accepted the fact that you do have them and you have an idea of what they are, then it’s going to make it a whole lot easier to deal with.

Gary Schneeberger:
Right. This blog and preparing for this podcast triggered me or got me thinking about one of my big wounds… and it’s not a big wound, it’s a very big wound, but it’s not like… if it was part of an iceberg, it wouldn’t be the stuff underneath the water line, this one I know is up here, it’s bobbing above the water, and that is this feeling that I am less than, I am not good enough. And it stems from a lot of things in my childhood, my parents were divorced, youngest kid in the family, your parents get divorced, you think, “Oh, what did I do? It’s my fault.” I was an overweight kid that it got picked on a little bit, I stuttered as a kid. So all these things that kind of roiled up, to the point that, still, even though I’ve shed a lot of those things that led to that feeling, I still feel that. And the story that came to mind that I hadn’t thought about in more than 20 years, I think, I was the director of public relations for a large international nonprofit.
And I thought I was doing a good job, but I got called in. The vice president who was over me called, said, “Hey, can you come into my office?” And Warwick, the whole time I walked to go to this man’s office, I’m like, “I’m going to get fired. I’m going to get fired. The vice president is summoning me to his office, I’m going to get fired.” That’s my… “I’m not good enough, I’m less than, oh, my gosh, what else could it be?” I got in, I sat down, I actually got promoted to be vice president of communications for the organization. That is the wound makes you so myopic that you can’t see any other possibility but the worst one. That’s just one example of what untreated wounds out of left field can hit you. That is not… I’m sure that’s… that probably doesn’t surprise you about that’s how hard wounds can hit you sometimes, right?

Warwick Fairfax:
Boy, that is such a good example. The fact the vice president’s calling you in, your default is, “Am I going to get fired? I’m going to get a talking to dressed down, it’s going to be bad,” rather than, “I don’t know what’s going on. This is kind of interesting. I guess we’ll find out.” That would be, I wouldn’t say more normal, but for others, it might be, “This is kind of weird, but oh, well,” it’d be more that reaction. And I think this is something that a lot of people deal with. And so knowing that, it helps you know how to deal with it. And if somebody, let’s say a boss, in the past or at some point says, “Look,” let’s say we’re in your newspaper days, “hey, Gary, you’re a lousy editor, lousy writer.” You can say, “Okay, I don’t like that, but I know that’s not true. There are things that don’t do well, but I know how to write, I know how to edit.” You’ll be respectful.
But rather than say, “Okay, I’m not good enough, you’re right.” But that’s where the truth in you says, “Okay, what this person’s telling me is not true,” your psychological default might be, “Oh, my gosh, I’m not good enough.” But the fact that you’re aware of that wound means if somebody says something that’s clearly not true, you can counteract it rather than going into a tailspin. Does that make sense, Gary?

Gary Schneeberger:
Oh, absolutely. And I’m in a place now, and I talk about it often, when companies that I’ve worked at do like a 360 evaluation of you, they have people who work… any evaluation of me, I don’t look at, “Here’s what Gary does well,” because I know what I do well, I want to know the things done… said constructively that I don’t do necessarily well in their eyes so I can get better at it. So I have gotten better at some of those things, I can hear criticism now that’s constructive. But yeah, this idea that the sky’s falling all the time if somebody in a position of authority wants to talk to me, that’s still not gone away, that still hasn’t been gone, I still wonder, “Why is he not talking to me,” or, “What’s happening?”
When I walk in the room and people start not having a conversation anymore, “They’re trying to keep something from me.” So that’s something that’s… Right. I think one of the points to get back to the blog in this discussion, one of the points that you make throughout the blog is that these things don’t go away, that’s your first point, they can be with you forever, and you have to work to kind of push them back, push them back. And the third point, let’s go to that, the third point to Wounds Are Inevitable, Here’s How to Minimize Their Pain, your third point is, “Analyze why they hurt so much.” So talk about that because that’s a critical point as well.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. For me, the aftershocks with these editorial cartoons such as the one that was a few years ago, or books are written about the company going maybe not being as well run as it could be in the ’90s, in 2000s, why is all that triggering? Because it reminds me of the takeover and, “Gee, this is all my fault,” which wasn’t, but certainly, a lot of it… I mean, a fair amount of it was, but it triggers the memories of what went wrong and the takeover. And if I don’t change, which I don’t, it’s like, well, that’s because of all the uncertainty that I went through growing up. And for you, your example, Gary, is a perfect example, why do you feel like, oh, you’re being called into the principal’s office, and he’s going to get fired when vice president calls you in, it’s like, well, because of the divorce, and being a bit overweight, as you’ve said, as a kid, all of that is going to tend to make you feel like, oh, you’re not good enough.
So you know exactly why those wounds are triggering. It’s not like, “Gee, why do I feel this way? That is so weird,” it’s like, “I may not feeling this way, but I know why I feel this way.” And that’s a huge difference, you know your why, in terms of these words, it’s not a surprise. I’d say for me, I’m very aware of what those aftershocks are, what those wounds are, and what triggers them, and why they hurt so much. I’m aware. And that’s another step on the road to dealing with them, is you’ve accepted them, you’ve taken inventory of them, and you know the why, you know why they hurt so much. It’s really, really important.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah, as is point four in the blog. And again, I say it every time we do one of these episodes, Warwick, you stack them like stairs, climbing the stairs. And the fourth point that you make is, “To consider the circumstances that trigger these wounds.” What is it about the wounds, the aftershocks that you have, what is it that triggers them? Why is that important, and how do you do that?

Warwick Fairfax:
Just understanding those circumstances, there may be friends, family members that reminds you of your worst day or reminds you of your failings. And with family members, it’s not always easy, though sometimes, in the extreme, when some family members just are really incredibly triggering, there are some who have chosen to distance themselves from those people that maybe they feel like they verbally abused them all the time. So there might be some people for your own mental and emotional health, and maybe if you’re… a family that you need to distance yourself from. So you want to consider situations and people that might trigger those wounds, and by definition, to the degree you can, try to avoid those circumstances. As I’ve mentioned, it’s not always possible with close family members, or me, or my family is basically in Australia, what can I do? “Never go back to Australia?” No, but yeah, so far away, I don’t go back all the time, but you just have to consider the consequences.
So understanding those circumstances and considering what triggers your wounds and aftershocks, that’s important, because to the degree you have any agency or control, you want to try and minimize when those wounds come up. It’s not like, “Gee, if I go outside without sunscreen and lie in 100 degree heat, I’m going to get sunburnt,” or maybe you might want to minimize those circumstances, “Do I do that? Either put on sunscreen or just go out with sunglass?” So it’s kind of obvious, but we do need to consider the circumstances that trigger these wounds and aftershocks.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. I have done something, this is interesting, this point’s interesting to me, I have in the business context, as a leader, I’ve sort of reversed engineered this point to what I call manage people, manage to the wound of the folks who are on my team. And by that, I mean, identify, in conversations and getting to know them, what are those wounds? And then find ways to pack good stuff around those wounds that won’t trigger them. So for example, say that someone on my team is very unsure of him or herself, has very low self-confidence. My job, in that case, if I’m going to manage to the wounds, is finding ways to uphold them, finding ways to compliment them, and being specific about it so that those wounds can, over time, at least even if they don’t get rid of them, can at least abate a little bit.
And I think that certainly works in the business context, but I think they can also work in the personal context, your family, your friends, you can look at their wounds, we can tend to see the wounds that people have. And I think it’s a good exercise when you’re off of your wounds, when you’re not doing things to abate your wounds, you can help others by coming at them in the opposite spirit that their wounds create. Does that make sense at all?

Warwick Fairfax:
It makes a lot of sense. I think one of the things I found is crucibles, aftershocks of the crucibles, wounds, can make you more empathetic of other people’s wounds, of other people’s pain. So for instance, if somebody struggles with self-esteem, which is many people, it’s not just a few, you can… and I do this, I’m sure you do the same thing, Gary, whether it’s somebody on my team, somebody at church, in my community group at church, or various things I’m involved in, I will go out of my way to find something to encourage them. I certainly do that with my wife, my kids. And not just things that are meaningless, but find something that’s specific and praiseworthy. One of the things I say is if you see something positive, say something and be specific. And so in another context, for many years, I was on the board of my kids’ private school, it was a Christian school, and I’ve been an elder at my church, Bay Area Community church, which is a Christ-centered evangelical church for many years.
When staff members of either organizations present to us about what’s going on, I’ll make it a point to say… and often, it’s just, they’re doing an incredible job, I’ll say, “Well, thank you, Joe, Mary,” whoever it is, “this is fabulous. I really like the fact you did A, B, and C, and this is really taking us to another level.” And I’m so focused on that, if at times, I don’t say anything, because I feel like other people can say something too, like the lead pastor of our organization, or friend of mine who’s president of the school board that I was involved in, they almost look at me like, “Well, Warwick hadn’t come, he didn’t say anything.” It’s like they just assume my role is the encourager, which is I’m happy to wear that label if they want to put it on me, but the point is, I’m making a point of trying to be encouraging.

Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah, for sure. Point five in the blog at Beyondthecrucible.com, which is called Wounds are Inevitable, Here’s How to Minimize Their Pain. Point five is this, “Anchor yourself in your truth. Find that anchor.” You talk a lot about an immovable anchor for your soul and bouncing back from a crucible, here, you’re talking about anchoring yourself in your truth to beat away those barnacles, those aftershocks, those wounds that crop up. Why is that so important? And how do you do that?

Warwick Fairfax:
So when you’re triggered by wounds, whether it’s aftershocks, or the crucible of my takeover, or just growing up in an uncertain environment, not liking change, need to ask yourself what is true and what are lies, basically. And you’ve got to know what your values and belief systems are, what your truth is. And so when those wounds are triggered, and people will say… or maybe the bad voices within yourself, if you will, sometimes we have these… maybe put it another way, these negative thoughts that creep into our head, it could be, “Warwick, Gary, you’re not good enough. You were never good enough. You’re not worthy.” And you hear these negative thoughts, you can say, “Well, that’s not true. I’m not perfect, but those are lies. I will not listen to the lies. I’m going to anchor myself in truth.” And so for me… I mean, I think for both of us, it will be the truth of the Bible, it will be biblical truth, and that is one thing that I do.
I would say, “Well, I’m a child of God.” I think of Psalm 139 were beautifully and wonderfully made, I think of one of my go-to passages is in Philippians 3, when I’m getting triggered by the whole takeover, and, “Look what I did, and I’m so dumb, and had a Harvard MBA, how could I made some of these stupid mistakes?” Which certainly in the ’90s, there was a lot of that self-talk, very negative. But then I would… Philippians 3, basically 7 through 14, I won’t read the whole thing, but there are passages that I’ll cling to, that this is my truth, which is from biblical truth. It would be, I’d say… repeat these words to myself, which is what’s written here, “But whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus, my Lord, for whose sake I’ve lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him.” And that it goes on from there.
So basically, what I say is, “Look, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but as important as John Fairfax Limited, the newspapers are, compared to knowing Christ, it’s like rubbish. So when I hear the lies in my head, those negative thoughts, I anchor myself in truth, and my truth that I anchor myself is in the Bible. So for others, it may be other texts, other religious ways of thinking, books, biographies, whatever your truth is, anchor yourself in those truths, in those truths that reinforce your fundamental beliefs and values so that you can reject these negative thoughts, which, very often, are lies. When you have a negative thought that says, “I’m worthless and I’m not good enough,” that’s a lie. We are all worthwhile, reject the lies, or somebody blames you for things you never did or just tries to pull you down, just reject that saying, “That is not true. I will not accept lies. I’m anchored in my truth.”

Gary Schneeberger:
Very good point. The sixth point is also a very good point, the sixth point is, “When your wounds are triggered, deal with it immediately.” And I wrote something on my sheet here, you can see it, it’s right there. I wrote… it just popped in my head when I read that, “When your wounds are triggered, deal with it immediately,” I wrote, “Don’t ruminate, fumigate.”

Warwick Fairfax:
Boy, that’s an excellent example. I know in some areas, there are termites, and you don’t want to ruminate on, “Oh, my gosh, there’s termites all over my house.” You want to get the pest control people and fumigate them. They come in, they tent the house or the condo, and they fumigate it with all sorts of chemicals that kill the termites. So yes, don’t ruminate, fumigate. Excellent, excellent point. So really the point here is when wounds are triggered, you don’t want to let them fester and bleed, and let’s ignore the antibiotic, and washing it, and the Band-Aid, you want to deal with that wound immediately. So to go back to that example of that editorial cartoon of me having the audacity to charge for the book I wrote, Crucible Leadership, that irritated me, it sort of angered me a bit, it says, “Come on, really?” I mean, that’s so lame, silly, and can’t they leave me alone?
So yeah, it was definitely triggering. Well, one of the things I did, obviously, I talked to, Gale, my wife, about it, but I called you, Gary, because you’ve been in newspapers, you get the newspaper well, you were part of the team, you kind of helped me edit my book, and so you’re very well aware of what’s in the book. And so we were able to talk about it. And so one of the things I do, which we’ll get to in a moment, is I have my own way of dealing with things, praying about it. But basically, when that happened, that aftershock, I guess you’d say, that wound from the takeover, I dealt with it immediately and then it went away. It doesn’t always go away in five minutes, it could be a day, a few hours, it really depends, but I’m able to move on because I recognize what it was, it harkens back to earlier cartoons and then also to the takeover.
And if it’s maybe me not wanting change, I think, “Well, that’s because of A, B, and C when I was growing up.” And I realize it and say, “Okay, we do need to make these changes. Let’s go ahead.” But I realize I’m getting triggered, and if it’s about things that my family or my house, I’ll talk to Gale and we’ll talk about it and make sure we know, well, what specifically is triggering it, analyze it, and then deal with it. So when you get triggered, don’t ignore it, and don’t say, “Oh, this is silly, I’m going to move on.” That’s not smart, deal with it at once.

Gary Schneeberger:
And your very next point, again, the staircase, your very next point, number seven, “Have a proven system for dealing with those wounds when flare-ups happen.”

Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely.

Gary Schneeberger:
You’ve intimated a little bit that you have a plan. Talk a little about that.

Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, absolutely. So for me, as soon as I get triggered by a wound, flare up, aftershock, I deal with it immediately, “Okay, what the heck is going on?” Sometimes, I’m not sure. And so very often, I will say… I’ll have a conversation with Gale, and I’ll say, “Gale, I don’t know, I’m feeling anxious, fearful. Something’s triggering me, I’m not sure what it is.” Even though I’m very self-aware, sometimes, I won’t know. But that’ll just really bug me, I have to know, I have to know. Because I want to deal with it. I can’t deal with it if I don’t know. It’s like, “Gee, I have an ache somewhere in my body, is it my leg? Is it my arm?” “Gee, I don’t know.” “Well, how in the world can you fix it if you don’t even know where it is on your body? You’ve got to figure out where, what’s going on?”
And so I’d say 9 times out of 10 or more, Gale will be able to figure it out. So, “Okay, now I know what it is, what’s the next step?” “Well, then we’ll pray about it.” And I’ll sometimes say, “Gale, can you pray this for me because I’m just struggling?” And she’ll pray, and that almost always makes an enormous amount of difference. As part of this process, I will often read scripture, like the passage from Philippians 3 or Psalm 139 that I mentioned beautifully and wonderfully made. I’ll anchor myself in the truth saying, “This is true. I will not listen to these lies that are floating around in my head.” So that’s my system, and it does work. I deal with it immediately, I’ll talk to Gale, or if it’s maybe something to do with what I do at Beyond the Crucible, you and I, Gary, might talk, or maybe if it’s something to do with church or whatever, maybe one of the other elders, or whoever the relevant person is that might know something about the issue and me is sort of the larger point.
And once I’ve understood it, then I anchor myself in truth, partly to the scripture, and by praying with somebody, about having somebody pray for me. Part of this whole journey is we talk a lot Beyond the Crucible about the need for fellow travelers, we don’t get beyond your crucibles or your flare-ups, wounds, and aftershocks without fellow travelers. And it’s not a matter of weakness to say, “Gee, I’m scared. I don’t know why I feel bad about myself. I don’t know why I’m triggered.” It’s a sign of self-confidence and strength that you’re willing to ask somebody for help. And most people that I know are willing to pray. If you say, “Can you help me? Can you pray for me?” Who’s just going to say no. If they care about you at all, like your spouse, loved one, good friend, they’re going to say, “Yes, of course,” they’ll pray for you or pray with you. So you got to have a system, figure out what works for you, but have a system for dealing with it. Deal with it immediately, figure out a system that works for you.

Gary Schneeberger:
All right, folks, the blog, as we’ve been talking about is called Wounds are Inevitable, Here’s How to Minimize the Pain. We’ve reached the last point, point eight. Let’s go through the first seven though, just as a review. First point is, “Accept that wounds will never fully heal.” Second point is, “Take an inventory of what your wounds are.” Point three, “Analyze why they hurt so much.” Four, “Consider the circumstances that trigger those wounds.” Five, “Anchor yourself in your truth.” Point six is this, “When your wounds are triggered, deal with it immediately.” Point seven is this, “Have a proven system for dealing with those wounds when flare-ups happen.” And here folks is point eight, and it’s something you’ve heard before at Beyond the Crucible, but it’s a little bit of a different context, and this is going to be fascinating to talk about. Point eight is this, “See your wounds as a blessing.” Warwick, talk a little bit about that one.

Warwick Fairfax:
Beyond the Crucible, we have spoken about how our crucibles can be a blessing. You, Gary, coined the phrase that, “It didn’t happen to you, it happened for you,” which is a brilliant truth. It requires a lot of strength and a lot of perseverance to reframe it that way, but not only can crucibles be a blessing, but these aftershocks and wounds can be seen as a blessing, because I think one of the things that I’ve realized with my crucible and things I’ve been through, that there are ways that I can use them to help others, obviously, my story, you are not defined by your worst day, you can come back and have a fulfilling life, your crucible isn’t the end of your story. We talk about life being about having a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. We say that a lot.
And one of the things we’ve found on the podcast is, I’d say most, if not everybody, on this podcast have been able to say what they went through was traumatic, it was awful, they certainly wouldn’t wish to go through it again or have anybody go through it, but somehow, there’s been blessing in those crucibles and they’ve actually been grateful for it. I remember one of the first guest that we had that mentioned this with Stacey Copas, an Australian woman in the outskirts of Sydney who dove into a pool as a teenager, an above-ground pool, and was diagnosed as a quadriplegic. She was merciless with herself because her parents said, “Hey, Stacey, don’t do that,” because kids obviously typically ignore their parents when it comes to things like that.
But she went through some really challenging years, but she would now say that what she went through was a blessing because her calling of consulting, and speaking, and helping other people wouldn’t have happened without that. And it’s not that there aren’t consequences, not that she probably wished it didn’t happen, but she’s found a silver lining, some blessing in that. And as I’ve found just with my own book, and when I gave that talk in church many years ago in 2008, which I’ve spoken about, which that my pastor wanted a sermon illustration to illustrate some points he was making, and I gave a 10-minute sermon illustration, and somehow, what I said seemed to help people, which I thought, “How can stories from a failed takeover bid help anybody?” Because it’s not like a common that challenge people have, but somehow it did. So then it led to me writing my book, Crucible Leadership.
When my book came out in 2022, I began speaking about what I went through. And again, people said, “Boy, this is helpful.” So there’s been some measure of healing when you feel like what I’m doing talking about my crucible can help people. So when you see your wounds, that can be a blessing that can help others. Like in your case, when you maybe had that self-image issue, when you sense others have that, you’re attuned to it, probably like laser-like focus, “How can I be a blessing to them? How can I offer a word of encouragement?”` You don’t need to think about it, you probably do it automatically because you know what it’s like to feel less than.
So it doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences of wounds, but there’s that oft-used phrase, pain for a purpose. When you feel like you have these wounds, but it makes you more sensitive to others, and you can be a blessing. When I’m so focused on encouraging people, when you grow up in this family business, when you feel like people think everything’s handed to you and you didn’t have to work hard, and there’s just this sort of negative talk, and some people can say pretty negative things and have done, it makes you very attuned to try to say positive things, at least has in my case, to try to empower people and encourage them. So certainly, wounds can be a blessing, and it’s helpful to see a wound as a blessing, as part of the healing process.

Gary Schneeberger:
That, folks, is the end of our discussion of the meat and potatoes of the blog, which is called Wounds are Inevitable, Here’s How to Minimize the Pain. We hope you’ve learned a little bit about how to do that in this discussion. Warwick, as always, when we do these episodes, I want to pick your brain a little bit about what’s the one truth? Hopefully, folks will take all eight points with them, but what’s the one kernel that you hope that listeners and viewers will be left with from this discussion?

Warwick Fairfax:
Crucibles are real, they’re painful, but so are aftershocks of those crucibles and our other wounds. So we know that we can’t just brush off our crucibles… or hopefully, we should know, but we ignore these aftershocks of our crucibles and our wounds at our peril. The key is when you feel triggered by these aftershocks and wounds is to deal with them immediately and not let them fester and get worse. Don’t just blow past them saying, “I’m tough. Hey, this is not a crucible. It’s a wound. I can deal with it. I don’t need any fellow travelers. I don’t need help. I don’t need prayer. I don’t even need to know what they are exactly other than, yeah, it’s something, it’s an aftershock, it’s a wound. I don’t know what it is, but nothing to see here, let’s move on.” That’s not a smart play, that’s actually dumb, because those wounds will tend to get worse, they either get better or they get worse. They don’t stay the same, that’s part of the law of life.
So when you feel triggered by aftershocks and wounds, deal with them immediately, get help from friends, or depending on how severe those wounds are, maybe you might need counseling, maybe they’re recurring so often that maybe it’s something that’s worse than just a flesh wound, maybe you need to get some professional help, some folks that really can help you. But the key is deal with it immediately, don’t let them faster, don’t let them get worse.

Gary Schneeberger:
Or as we say… or as we said in this episode, don’t ruminate, fumigate. Copyright 2025, Beyond the Crucible, for sure. Folks, as we always do on these episodes that focus on Warwick’s blogs, he’s come up with three points of reflection for you to take with you as you leave us. The first one is this, identify your wounds. First place to start, identify what they are. Make sure you identify more than just the obvious ones. Dig deep, go down a little bit deeper. And this is where we’ve encouraged you before to journal about some things, to just kind of get below the surface. As I mentioned earlier, there’s the stuff that’s above the waterline, the stuff below the waterline, get to the stuff below the waterline in point one. In reflection point two, how do your wounds get triggered? Consider what situations or people trigger those wounds. Think about how you will minimize those situations and come up with a game plan for dealing with those wounds when they’re triggered.
Again, this is something that you can write down so you can have a plan of attack, a plan of action when those things are triggered, because as we’ve discussed here, those moments being triggered are not fun moments. So do what you can to counteract that when they come up. And then the third point of reflection from Warwick’s blog is this, think deeply about how your wounds can be a blessing. All right, let that sit for a bit, your wounds can be a blessing. Think about that. Start to consider what people and in what situations your wounds can actually be an asset. It might enable you to reach people and help them in ways that others might not be able to help them. And that, folks, puts a wrap on this episode of Beyond the Crucible. Please know this, until we’re together next time, we understand that your crucible experiences are difficult, they’re tough work.
And I talked about not just our crucibles on this episode, we also talked about the wounds, the barnacles, the aftershocks that are associated with those crucibles. But we know this to be true as well from our own experiences and from the experiences of our guests on this show, and that is this, your crucibles are not the end of your story, and I’ll add, because of this episode, your aftershocks, your wounds aren’t the end of your story, aren’t a brick wall that stops your story. Because if you learn the lessons of them, if you move past them, even if they never go away, if those wounds never go away, but if you move past them emotionally, you can end up on the journey you’re on, will take you to the most worthwhile destination you could ever imagine, and that is a life of significance.
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