Being Triggered Happens. Here’s How to Not Give in To It

Grace and patience. They’re the two things we need to lean into and we need to receive from others when we find ourselves triggered by a crucible.

How do we reach those destinations? That’s what we discuss this week as we offer tips for doing just that from Warwick’s latest blog — everything from being patient with yourself, asking others for help, and growing in self-development.

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Transcript

Warwick Fairfax:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible.
Realize that we're going to get triggered, realize we're going to overreact, try to improve so that you don't get triggered as much. React less. Show patience and grace because if you do all of this and you're growing and you're apologizing, I think you'll find the people that love you and admire you and those you work with, they'll give you a lot of grace and patience.
Gary Schneeberger:
Grace and patience, they're the two things we need to lean into and we need to receive from others when we find ourselves triggered by a crucible. How do we reach those destinations? That's what we discussed this week is we offer tips for doing just that from Warwick's latest blog, everything from being patient with yourself, asking others for help and growing in self-development.
Welcome friends to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. This is one of the fun episodes we do every month in which we talk about a blog that Warwick has written. And this is one that's about a topic that I think everyone who is within the sound of my voice or the look of my face, the view of my face, sorry, will have experience with. And Warwick, let's skip the preambles and get right to it. What led you to write this blog, which you titled, Being Triggered Happens, Here's How Not To Give Into It. Important subject, what led you to write it?
Warwick Fairfax:
So life is not easy. Many, if not most of us have been through a crucible. And what that will mean is when you've been through a crucible, it's very easy to get triggered given the right set of circumstances. So it could be something from your past, upbringing, a past relationship, maybe a prior job. And you might face a situation in which somehow subconsciously it reminds you of that previous situation and you get triggered. It could be a past relationship. It could be something that just reminds you of when you are small. And what happens when we get triggered is we'll tend to overreact and we'll make a mountain out of a molehill. And others will look at us and say, "What is wrong with that person? I mean, they're just overreacting. They're so sensitive." And the disconcerting thing is that sometimes we don't even realize that we're getting triggered or overreacting.
We might feel like, "Well, it's the other person's fault. What they said was very insensitive and that situation was just, well, tough. Anybody would have reacted the way I did." And so we're thinking we're just being normal. It was that other person said something bad or they were very insensitive, this situation was tough. While others will be thinking in that same situation, why is that person oversensitive? Why do they react that way? And none of us wants to be seen as that hypersensitive person that always overreacts. We want to be seen as this calm person that acts reasonably in any situation.
Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. And just so everybody knows before we move on, and it's funny because I often on these episodes trot out Webster's 1828 dictionary and give a definition of the word that we're talking about. And I don't think Webster's 1828 has a word for triggered, but Webster's current dictionary has this definition. Just so everybody knows what we're talking about here. And to be triggered is to be caused to feel an intense and unusually negative emotional reaction. That's what we're talking about here, folks, is that thing that makes you, what Warwick's talking about, overreacting to is there's this something happens that makes you lean into a negative reaction to something that's occurred. That's fair, right, Warick?
Warwick Fairfax:
It is. When you're triggered, you'll typically have this wave of emotion. It could be anger, sadness. It will be negative. It will be, "How can that person say that? I mean, that was so insensitive. It was cruel." And we feel angry, sad. We might just go into our shell. It'll be just this visceral emotional reaction. And what is often followed by that visceral emotional reaction is a visceral verbal or other physical reaction, it doesn't mean you have to kind of come out swinging, but it may be you might just go into almost like a little ball or just shrink back, or your face will start getting red. Maybe you'll start saying some things. It could be shouting. It may not be. It could be just, "How could you say that? That was so cruel. Why did you do A and B?" And you'll just start reacting because you've been triggered. And the other person's thinking, "Well, what I do? I mean, say what?" I mean, they'll just be like, "Where's this coming from?" I mean, there's like a mini volcano just set off.
Gary Schneeberger:
Right. The word I think of as you talk about that is to be devastated, is to be just you're off balance. Something's wrong, right? It just knocks you for a loop. That's kind of what we're talking about here.
So what we're going to do, as we always do, folks, with these blog discussion episodes, is that we're going to go through some points that Warwick's written in his blog, some action steps and some insights to help you understand just how to deal with when you're triggered and how to avoid being triggered.
And if you've listened to these episodes before, it's common at this point for me to say, "Oh shock, we have seven," because Warwick likes to use seven. But this time he feels truly strongly about this subject, he's got nine points that we're going to go through. So before any further ado, let's start off, Warwick, with the first one and great place to start as always. Number one is accept the fact that you're going to get triggered. Just accept the reality this is going to happen to you, right?
Warwick Fairfax:
And this is not an easy one. Sometimes we build up, this is one of the hardest ones. So in some sense we started with the hardest ones. So no one wants to be that man or woman that is seen as overly sensitive, overreacting, and we might in reality overreact to some things, but we might be seen by others potentially unfairly as overreacting to everything. That could be their perception of us. And so you've got to realize that given the right set of circumstances, that we're all going to be triggered.
One of the things we've found out is that most, if not all of us, have been through an experience so painful that it fundamentally transforms our life, which we call a crucible. And in the research we did, it pretty much came up with what, 70 odd percent of-
Gary Schneeberger:
72, 73, yeah.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, have been through an experience so painful that it fundamentally transformed their life. And the other 28%, according to our researchers, were in denial that they weren't willing to admit according to the data as they analyzed it, that they have been through a crucible. So that means we've all been pretty much all been through a crucible. That's been very painful. And so what that also means is given the right set of toxic circumstances, if you will, harmful circumstances that we're going to get triggered. And so when we do get triggered, it's when, not if, since we're human, there's a reasonable chance that we will overreact to the situation.
In other words, we're not going to react proportionately. We will react more than is warranted. And that is a tough place to be when A, you get triggered, and B, you do not react proportionately to what was said or what happened. You overreact and you are in reality overly sensitive in that situation, accepting the fact that you'll get triggered and that you'll be overly sensitive and you won't react proportionately. Those three things are not easy to accept because we just don't want to be that person.
Gary Schneeberger:
Right. And I just realized something, Warwick, we've done, I don't know how many of these episodes based on your blogs and seven, eight, nine, however many points that you put in there, and I've never really looked at it this way. So number one, we just talked about, accept the fact that you're going to get triggered. By the fact that you say you should accept the fact that you're going to get triggered, the default position for many of us can be, we're not going to accept it. I mean, your wisdom and your counsel here through all of these points, that first word in all these points is many times we do the opposite of this. So we don't accept the facts. So we've got to accept the fact. That seems like the way that this has always operated when we've talked about things on these episodes based on your blog, right?
Warwick Fairfax:
It is. You could go to any psychologist or counselor and assuming that it's necessary, and I think we think that, something I think, that counseling can be very helpful. And obviously one of the things that they will say is denial is not helpful. You cannot get better if you're in denial. I mean, in a very different context, we've had a lot of folks on the podcast who've had challenges with substance abuse. So you could say, "Well, I'm not an alcoholic. I just like to have fun. I just have a few drinks and ..."
Gary Schneeberger:
I'm raising my hand because I'm one of them that was on the podcast.
Warwick Fairfax:
So obviously you and I'm sure you know people like that, obviously you understand what I'm saying and that it's easy to say, "Oh, I'm fine." "I just like to have fun. I just like to unwind at the end of the day." But yet your friends and colleagues will say, "This person has a problem." You say, "No, no, no, I'm good."
The problem is, and it's a different area, I guess you can make a comparison with getting triggered, but I guess the more general point with being triggered is you cannot get better or deal with this unless you accept it, that you are getting triggered, in which in this case, everybody has this issue. And so what happens is when you don't realize or accept it, you will tend to hurt the people you most love. And we say this a lot at Beyond the Crucible is when you have issues, you tend to take it out the worst almost with your family and those you know the most, those that you're closest to. So they deserve your best.
And so it's just, if you care about those around you, which we should, we should care about our family and our coworkers, you want to accept it and get better. And this doesn't mean that where this train wreck of a person that yells, screams and throws things, we're not necessarily talking about that extreme. It can be. It could be just raising your voice or just getting overly sensitive or it could be just getting in this cone of silence. Sometimes when you get triggered, you emotionally shut down and you're saying nothing. And it's like, what's going on here? Those that love us, why is there this like cone of silence? What's going on? So it doesn't have to be yelling, screaming, and throwing things, it can take many forms, but if you care for those around you, it's important to accept it, that that will happen and be ready to do something about it.
Gary Schneeberger:
Yep. So after point one, where you accept that you are going to get triggered, point number two then is recognize when you are being triggered. And again, back to my point that I made on point one, the opposite of this is not recognizing. So that's what you're trying to let people understand how to recognize it. So what are the tips that you offer to recognize when you're being triggered?
Warwick Fairfax:
We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to do some self-reflecting and we're going to get those clues. Wife, husband, friends will say, "Whoa, that's a little strong. What do I do? What's going on here?" Now you could say, "Well, clearly every time they say what's going on here, it's clearly their fault." That could be just your default assumption, but let's make the assumption that at least some of the time it's you and not them. At the very least, when that happens, and maybe it's at work and you see people's eyeballs are glazing and they're getting wider and it's like, "Wow." And people are going, "..." You can see reactions around the table that says, "Something's going on here." When you feel like you're getting angry and your tone is rising, just pay attention to all of that, pay attention to the body language and the words of others and say, "Okay, something's going on here and there's a reasonable chance that I'm getting triggered."
And you might say to yourself, "I feel like maybe it's ... Am I reacting in a proportionate way? Well, what's going on?" So when you feel yourself getting angry, agitated, depressed, and you can see the expression on others' faces and what they're saying, there's plenty of clues that something's going on here. At the very least, you'd say, "Okay, I might be getting triggered because why am I getting so angry about that?"
Gary Schneeberger:
And as you always do, Warwick, you're brilliant at this. Your third point is exactly what you just sort of put an on ramp to, and that's this, the third point is try to understand what's going on. How do we do that?
Warwick Fairfax:
You might realize they're being triggered, but the why matters. And sometimes it's not easy to figure it out at first, which can be maddening. It's like, "I'm reacting out of proportion, but I don't know why." Well, okay, just take a breath and realize it's a process. You may not be able to figure it out immediately, but one of the things that's very helpful is to know your pain points, know your crucibles.
We talk about this a lot at Beyond the Crucible before we can get beyond our crucible and out of the pit of despair, we've got to understand what our crucible is and why it hurts so much. If you've done the hard work of self-examination of your crucibles, then it'll be a lot easier to understand why we get sensitive.
So maybe you were in a bad relationship, maybe you were betrayed, maybe there was some extramarital affair, which sadly does happen. Okay, so you moved on to another relationship and maybe they get home late or maybe something happens and you just start going down, "Oh my gosh, is it happening again?" Even though there's no objective sign necessarily and you just go down this irrational path or maybe you were in business with somebody else and they betrayed you. They stole the patent or they kind of took some of the key ideas and went somewhere else or they just left. And so then you get into another business relationship and at the first sign of disagreement or they do something that seems a bit funny, you say, "Here we go again, they're going to betray me." And you just almost, assuming they'll portray you and looking for evidence to prove that this new business partner's going to betray you.
I mean, it's sad but true. So knowing our crucibles can be helpful so that when we get into some kind of relational conflict or disagreement, we just don't go down that thought line of, "Oh, here we go again." So if you know your pain, whether it's relational pain or professional pain, whatever it is, when you start reacting, it could be, "Hang on, I don't know this for sure, but I could be getting triggered by this prior relationship, by this challenging experience I had with my parents, something had happened in my upbringing." If you know your crucibles, you might begin to say, "Okay, I'm not quite sure what's going on, but it might be related to this upbringing issue, this relationship issue, this professional issue." You may not really know quite what it is, but you might feel like, "Okay, I know at least what country it's in, I think."
So that's where doing the hard work of understanding your crucibles will really help you begin to identify what's going on when you start to think, "Okay, I'm being triggered. I'm overreacting and now I at least have some vague idea of what it might be, or at least the area that it could be."
Gary Schneeberger:
Right. And in these first three points, it's all about personal reconnaissance, if you will, right? You accept the fact that you're going to get triggered. You recognize when you are going to be triggered and you try to understand what is going on. Now in point four, you're broadening the field a bit and we're bringing others in. And this seems to be a real pivotal point, so talk a little bit about point four about asking others for help.
Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely. So you might have figured out that you're being triggered, that you're overreacting, you might have an idea of at least what country it's involved in. In other words, it's a prior relationship, something to do with your upbringing, a bad business breakup or professional issue. But at this point, it can be helpful to ask others for help. And we talk a lot about having a team of fellow travelers. Well, this is probably one of the hardest areas to really engage a team of fellow travelers. It's one thing to say, "Yep, maybe I'm a more of a visionary person. I need a salesperson, or I'm all about engineering and manufacturing, but I don't really understand how to plan or think of the future." That's one thing.
But to say to somebody, "I think I'm being triggered and I'm being overreactive. It might have something to do with my upbringing. Hey, we grew up in the same neighborhood, you know my family, maybe it's a prior relationship, you're my best friend. When I was sort of down at the dumps about this person that broke up with me and mistreated me, we had a lot of hours of conversation about that. So you know me, you've walked with me."
But still, that is not easy because you want to feel like, "Okay, I've got beyond this. I'm an evolved human being. I don't want to show that I'm weak and still get paralyzed at times by that prior relationship or business situation." But in order to grow, you've got to be willing to be vulnerable. And those that know us, know us well, have walked through us, especially during those hard times with those crucibles that I just mentioned, personal or professional, you want to give them an opening and say, "Look, I think it's because of this past relationship. We've walked through that a lot. And the person I'm currently in a relationship did A, B and C and they said X, Y, Z, and I said this. I feel like I may be overreacting, but I don't know, what do you think? Do you think you're going to have anything to do with that prior relationship? Help me figure that out."
So at this point, you've given them the opening, you've even given them some breadcrumbs of thoughts about the area to examine. And so at that point together, you can, in a constructive dialogue, try to figure out what's going on. They might say, "Well, do you think it's because of what your mom or dad did? Do you think it's because of the specifics of what your former partner or wife or husband did when ... I remember you felt A, B and C when they did X, Y, Z." And you might begin to say, "Okay, this is beginning to make sense." So you begin to have a dialogue to help you identify what's going on and why did you overreact?
At the very least, asking others for help may help you figure out the broad general area. You might say, "Okay, now that I've talked to other person, I'm convinced it was because of some past, prior challenging situation at work or in a marriage relationship or in an upbringing issue." So you might at least have an idea of what area it's in and maybe even more specifically than that, but it's asking for others to help.
And the other thing is it's helpful to have somebody in there kind of with you in it and you might even say to them, "I feel broken. I feel like I should be more involved in this. I get so frustrated and we'll talk about this more later." But it's easier to kind of give a bit of grace and patience to yourself of others as saying, look, "I get triggered by things. I've had a bad breakup or I had a bad situation at work and don't be so hard on yourself." That can be very helpful when we just really want to beat ourselves up when, "I can't believe I'm reacting this way again. I mean, golly. Why do I keep doing this?" So asking others for help, it can not only help you get a little close to figuring out what's going on, but it can also help you be a little easier on yourself or begin to.
Gary Schneeberger:
I imagine that there could be people listening and watching us right now who maybe are coming up empty when they think of who can I ask? Who's it safe to ask? Who are the right kinds of people to ask? Do you have any insight, any perspective on that of who makes a good fellow traveler in this particular instance?
Warwick Fairfax:
It's a good question, and it's not easy. You want somebody that knows you well, but somebody that accepts you for who you are. You don't need friends or confidants, or could be a mentor, somebody that's older than you. You don't want somebody to continually try to fix you or correct you or criticize you. You want somebody that accepts you, but is willing to speak truth in love, which is obviously a very biblical phrase, speaking truth in love. So it's not always easy to find them. I guess our hope and prayer is that those who are listening and watching would at least know one person, it could be a family member, a friend, coworker, at least one person they feel like, they know me well, they accept me and they, in a sense, love me, like me unconditionally.
Gary Schneeberger:
All right, that was point four. Point five is this, try to identify more self-evaluation. Try to identify the precise cause of why you're being triggered and why you are overreacting. And hear that, that the things aren't exactly the same. Being triggered, you can be triggered without overreacting. You can be triggered within acceptable ways of expressing it, or you can be triggered and overreact. So identify the cause of why you're being triggered. And if you are overreacting, why you're overreacting. Why is that so important, Warwick, and how do we go about doing it?
Warwick Fairfax:
At this point, we recognize that we're being triggered. We might have some idea, at least the broad area, sort of like what country we were talking about in the sense it's a prior relationship or an upbringing issue or maybe something bad that happened at work. You've asked others for help, just begin to narrow it down. And at this point, you've got information both from your own reflection and some information from those that know you, either that were there with you at the time, or by dialoguing with you, you've helped get a lot closer. And so this is where it's really important to try to identify as precisely as you can, the exact cause of why you were triggered and why you overreacted.
So that is, you might say, "Well, it's because my mom or dad, they said harsh things to me and the whole issue of unconditional love is tough. So when I feel like I'm being criticized or even corrected, boom, I go to, 'You don't accept me, you don't love me.'" And that could be triggered with your spouse or partner or as I mentioned in a business situation, if somebody at work criticizes your idea, maybe it's like, "Okay, yeah, that person, they criticized my idea and then they just bolted with the idea, they left. At the first sign of conflict in the business situation, you might say, "Here we go. I don't know that I can trust that person. Why are they disagreeing with me? Is their motives pure? Are they going to the competition?" You just start getting paranoid.
So understanding the precise cause then begins to help you think about, "Okay, why did I overreact and how much did I overreact?" So understanding the exact cause of why you're being triggered and overreact is important. And you've got to do this dispassionately without saying, "It's not a big deal." Or without saying, "Oh my gosh, I'm a horrendous person." You got to, almost like a surgeon, you've got to, a psychologist, you've got to calmly look at the situation, "Okay, what happened and why?"
Gary Schneeberger:
That flows logically and easily to the, not easily in that it's easy to do, but it flows very logically to the next point, point six, which is, once you've done identifying the precise cause of your triggering issue, identify what a proportionate response and reaction would look like. That's point six. How do we do that? Because we've talked about overreaction often comes hand in glove with being triggered. How do we identify a proportionate response and reaction?
Warwick Fairfax:
That's where you have got to be dispassionate about what happened and say, okay, if I wasn't being triggered and my partner or spouse, I don't know what, so they didn't like the meal I served or maybe didn't like the fact I really wasn't paying any attention or I kind of raised my voice or whatever it was, a proportionate reaction might be, "Okay, just because they didn't like what I served doesn't mean that I can't cook or whatever. Even if I can't cook, maybe the other areas I'm good at. I mean, I don't have to kind of just yell at them or just throw the plate down and say, 'How dare you say that?'" And maybe they just said, "Yeah, I think the beans ... It felt like the beans were a little overcooked a bit." And it's like, "What?" And off you go. It's like, "Okay, yeah, I got a bit distracted and the kids are running around and you know." I mean, that's not necessarily a horrendous thing to say.
So identifying a proportionate response, maybe it could be, "Sorry, I got distracted." Or if they know how to cook, you might say, "So how long normally do you cook the beans," or whatever? It depends on the situation, but just try to ... Or if it's at work and somebody criticizes your idea and doesn't like it, they help me understand or just don't assume bad intention with every criticism that somebody makes at work and just say a proportionate response might be, "Well, I understand you don't like that proposal and what's your thought or what part did you not like about it? Or how can we work together maybe to craft something better?" I mean, that would be a more rational response than, "Well, you never like anything I do. Whatever I propose, you hate. I mean, I'm just tired of it. Can you just stop? I mean, if I say red, you'll like blue. I mean, just come on, you always do this. I just get so tired of this. I don't know if we can even work together." And they're thinking, "Okay, what? Where'd that come from?"
And that's not easy. You got to compare the difference between a sober-minded view of how you reacted and how you actually should have. Now doing that might be triggering in itself. It's like, "Wow, this is what I should have said and didn't. And this is what I did say and how I reacted. Boy, there feels like a gap as big as the Grand Canyon." And that also could make you feel kind of less than. But again, we'll get to it later. You've got to be patient, have grace, but this is a painful thing to do to try to identify what a proportionate response is.
And if you could actually, if you want to go to the next level, maybe ask your spouse, partner or, I don't know about coworker, but maybe certainly the friend that we spoke about, maybe ask the friend, "What do you think a proportionate response would've looked like?" And certainly with a spouse or partner, you might say, "You can say you didn't like the meal, but you didn't have to kind of toss it in the trashcan or you didn't have to raise your voice about it. I mean, that was a little over the top."
So yeah, I mean, ask the person that you may have offended, ask your fellow travelers. I mean, that can all help. Again, you've got to be humble and be willing to be vulnerable and realize that we're not defined by our worst reaction. So just, this is not easy to try to identify this proportionate response. And it's certainly not easy if heaven forbid you ask the offended party or the person you overreacted to or your team of fellow travelers. I mean, this is not easy to do any of that.
Gary Schneeberger:
No. And this is the sixth point in the blog and the sixth point on this subject. And this is a good time, especially since I've got the sheet of all of them in front of me, so I know what the seventh point is and this is a really good time to ask this question because the importance of proportionate response makes me think, what's the corrosiveness, the danger of a not proportionate response? We're talking about how you're triggered, how to reduce the being triggered, how to reduce your being triggered, and how to manage it better. What are the ill effects of just going full bore into being triggered and getting that all over the people around you? Because there are some significant impacts from that, right?
Warwick Fairfax:
Gary, it's a really excellent question. The problem with a corrosive response is it will corrode and damage all your relationships. It will drive your husband, wife, partner, significant others, coworkers, it will drive them away. They might be like, "I don't know what's going on. I don't care. I don't deserve this. I'm out of here. I can't deal with this person. They can go get counseling, see a psychologist. Heck, it's so bad that I'm not even sure that can help." Because professional help can be helpful, but only to the degree that we're willing to listen and do the work and try and grow and evolve. There's no magic tool unless we're willing to do the work.
So I mean, it will have consequences with our kids. It's so sad that one of the things we found is people who are abused so often abuse their own kids and those that they love, husbands, wives. And so understanding, "Okay, why did I react?" It's important because if you keep doing that and getting angry, certainly at the extreme and overreacting, it'll drive people away because people will say, "I have to walk on eggshells with that person." It's like, "I don't just have two subjects to avoid, I've got about a list of 20. If I even breathe anywhere near those 20 subjects, there's going to be trouble. So what do I talk about, the weather? I mean, that'll probably trigger them somehow." I mean, it's just like you just give up.
So yeah, I mean, these things have consequences, that kind of corrosive language and overreacting, or even just going into your shell. Nobody wants to be around somebody that's just this numb shell that doesn't smile, doesn't laugh. It's just people will leave. They'll avoid you. So it has [inaudible 00:36:39] consequences.
Gary Schneeberger:
And here's why this is so important, what we've been talking about and why I asked that question when I asked it. Because point seven, dare I say, Warwick, point seven in this blog being triggered happens, here's how not to give into it. Point seven here could be a point in any blog that you've ever done. Could be something that we have to do pretty much in every crucible situation that we find ourselves in that involves others. And that point is this, I love it, one word, apologize. Why is that both so effective, but also challenging for us to do?
Warwick Fairfax:
It surely is. To go to the person that you have in all probability offended because you got triggered and you overreacted. It's tough because it's admitting that whatever happened, that your overreaction was pretty much all your fault. And we tend to feel that if we admit that things are our fault, that we're a bad person. We tend to feel that a good person is somebody that never makes a mistake and always treats people well and is kind. And if we don't do that, we tend to feel like subconsciously it's one strike and you're out. I said that wrong thing. I said that bad thing. I'm a bad person. So therefore we tend to psychologically say to ourselves, "Well, if I don't admit that I've done anything wrong, then I'm okay." It makes no sense, but in our screwed up logic, that's what we think.
And so you need to go to that person. It could be a husband, wife, partner, it could be a coworker and apologize. And depending on how well you know them and the strength of the relationship, you might want to tell at least some of the why behind it.
If it's a spouse or partner, they should know about some bad past relationship. Maybe it was a former marriage, a former relationship. There should be some level of honesty, a high degree of honesty, and say, "This really wasn't about you. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but you said something that triggered a memory of that prior person. What you said wasn't really that bad. In fact, it wasn't bad at all, but somehow it triggered some memory. I know that might sound stupid and illogical, and I'm sorry, and please forgive me." Now, if they love you, then hopefully they will say, "I get it." Now, if you do it every millisecond at a certain point, it's like, "I forgive you, but enough's enough."
So apologizing is good, but we'll get to how you deal with some of these things in the next points. But one of the things that I think of a lot is sometimes somebody has done something that's like a parking ticket and you charge them with a capital offense, right? It was a mosquito and you treat it like it was a shark wound or something. It's like, they're thinking, "Okay, yeah, maybe that sarcastic remark about how you cook or whatever... " I mean, people have to ... I'm not a big believer in sarcasm, but let's say somebody says something a little thoughtless or it's like, "Sorry, I was having a nap in the car while I was waiting for you," but that kind of thing. And that happens often. Okay, that might be slightly sarcastic, but you don't need to hit them over the head with a sledgehammer from that slight sarcastic remark.
It's one thing ... I mean, figure out how to address ... You might think, "I'm really sensitive to this, and please don't make those jokes." Okay. Maybe a better way would be to say, "Yeah, sorry, I know I tend to have trouble with time," or whatever, and you just move on, but you don't just jump down their throat because of some slight sarcastic remark.
So it's easy to say you've got to have thicker skin, which I think is easier said than done, but what you should not do is just jump down their throat, recognize you're being triggered and not jump down their throat. And if you do, say, "Look, yeah, ideally, maybe it's not good to joke about me being late all the time because maybe I am, but I didn't need to yell at you about it. I mean, I way, way out of proportion dealt with that situation, so I'm sorry."
So apologizing is not easy. Admitting that you overreact, admit that you charged somebody with a capital offense when it was only a parking ticket, and that's a common way of getting triggered in which somebody says something that maybe was a bit sarcastic and it triggers you. So sometimes there's like a grain of sand that triggers the avalanche. It doesn't mean it's their fault, but it's [inaudible 00:42:13] recognize that and just don't get into avalanche mode when it's just a little grain of sand and certainly don't take it out on them. And if you do, apologize and say, "Yep, I kind of way overdid that."
Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. And this public service announcement, folks, is brought to you Beyond the Crucible by Warwick Fairfax. And so I'm going to ask you this, Rick, because apology, it's not an apology if you say, "I'm sorry if you were, whatever." I mean, talk just a little bit about what makes for a true actual apology to fit your point number seven here.
Warwick Fairfax:
Oh, it's such a good point. One of my pet peeves is this. I hate when people say, "I apologize if I offended you." What that means is you're some poor, hurt soul that gets triggered by everything and you're less than and you're really a lower life form than me, certainly. And I'm sorry if you poor hurt, lower life form, got offended by that. It really makes you feel othered and less than. And yeah, you never want to do sorry if. That basically means, I'm not sorry, it's your problem.
That's what it means.
Gary Schneeberger:
Right, exactly. Yeah. Good. So thank you for the public service announcement in point number seven. Point number eight, we're starting to move on, right? So we've apologized. Now we're starting to heal back up here. Point number eight is try to grow in your self-development. Talk about that one.
Warwick Fairfax:
By knowing the type of situations that you get triggered, you know your crucibles, it could be a bad breakup, an issue with your upbringing with your parents or a business relationship breakup. By knowing those things, it'll make it easier to identify when you get agitated and worked up about what's going on. And when you start feeling like your blood pressure rising, you're ready to come out with that zinger or that harsh word. You want to take a breath, if you're a person of faith, pray, meditate, whatever is your spiritual paradigm. And for me, I might pray maybe the scripture verse that I think of and, "Lord, help me just to calm down here. I know this is related to upbringing or whatever it is." And by just try to not react so much, we can grow in our self-development so that we'll get triggered less.
I mean, we might still get triggered, but maybe instead of reacting at like a 8 out of 10 or 9 out of 10, maybe we're at a 3 out of 10 level, which would be an improvement. It may not be perfect, but even if we improve by 10%, as long as we're on a journey here, that's helpful. So just try and ideally not overreact. If you do, try to react not as much. And even if you react pretty much as badly as you do, ideally in the next few minutes, "You know what, actually, I'm sorry, I overreacted there." And when they say to you, hopefully they will, "Man, I think you overreacted there." Just pause and go, "Yeah, you know what? You're right. I'm sorry."
It's a lot easier to defuse a volcano in a few minutes. Let the lava flow around for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, clean up is much more difficult and much more painful. The quicker the better. So ideally, self-development will be react less, make it a 2 out of 10, not a 9 out of 10. And if you do react at a six, seven or eight, at the very least say, "You know what? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You're right. Forgive me, that was stupid. It's because of that prior relationship or the issue with the upbringing or that professional relationship. We've talked about this a lot. You've heard about it, and I'm sorry." So those are all ways in which you can move forward.
Gary Schneeberger:
Friends, we are talking about Warwick's latest blog at beyondthecrucible.com. It is called Being Triggered Happens, Here's How Not To Give Into It. We have reached the final point, point nine, but before we get there, let's talk about the eight that have come before.
Number one, accept the fact that you're going to get triggered. Number two, recognize when you are being triggered. Three, try to understand what's going on. Four, ask others for help, which Warwick acknowledged, is not always easy to do. Five, try to identify the precise cause of why you are being triggered and why you are overreacting. Six, identify what a proportionate response and reaction would look like. Number seven, which I think for the rest of the blogs you write for in the history of Beyond the Crucible should be one of the points. Point number seven is apologize. Point number eight, which we just talked about prior here is try to grow in your self-development that brings us Warwick to point number nine. And point number nine is this, be patient with yourself. Why is that so critical?
Warwick Fairfax:
Without having patience, with yourself, without giving yourself some grace, forgiving yourself your foibles and your imperfections, it'll be difficult if not impossible to apologize. It'll be difficult to grow because you'll say, "Well, look, what's the point? I'm so messed up or, hey, it's all their fault anyway, and why bother? And it's all too hard." And so you've got to give yourself some grace because often we find that we kind of just berate ourselves and think of ourselves as some subhuman neanderthal, some primitive beast. We don't think of ourselves as human, like a rational human being wouldn't overreact. Maybe we feel like, "Well, I'm irretrievably broken because of what my parents did or what a prior relationship did or the betrayal that happened at work. I'm forever broken. I will never be whole. I'll never be healed. And that's it. I'm always perpetually angry or I'm perpetually sarcastic."
And yeah, you've got to have some patience because if you're apologizing, you're trying to do the work, ask others for help, you have a pretty good idea of your crucibles and when you get triggered, you're trying to react less. When you do get triggered, try to get triggered a little less. Just if you understand what's going on and what the other person is doing is not really related to that. I think it is possible to get triggered a little less and certainly to react less. So if you're doing all of that, you've got to be patient. And you remember that you have some positive qualities. I think we all do. Others may see you as a caring, hardworking individual. We all have flaws and flat sides.
So we don't want to feel like we're defined by our worst over reaction, our worst triggering event, our worst conversation. And often we'll find that others will show you grace. Well, if others show you grace, then maybe you should show yourself grace. And this really feeds back into all the other points. If you're patient with yourself, it'll be easier to apologize, easier to have the energy to grow and keep going and not give up. So if you care about others, ironically, you'll be patient with yourself and have grace.
Gary Schneeberger:
That concludes the nine points, but it does not conclude our conversation because I always like to ask you, and it's always hard, I feel bad sometimes for asking you this because you've got these great points and I'm like, "Warwick, what's the one truth, the one takeaway you would like our listeners and viewers to leave this conversation with?" I feel bad, but I'm going to do it anyway. What is the one takeaway, Warwick, that you would offer folks from this very deep conversation on the subject of being triggered?
Warwick Fairfax:
We have to accept that we're human. One of the hardest things in life is to accept that we're human. And it could be beyond this conversation, we talk about this a lot in the context of fellow travelers, that we don't have all the gifts. Maybe we're a quieter person that doesn't like sales. Maybe we're an artistic person that hates finance and planning. I mean, there can be all sorts of things that we say to ourselves, "I'm not as good as my friend, my partner, my wife, husband." And there are many things that we don't have. And so more generally, we have to accept the fact that we're human. In this particular context, what that means is we've got to accept the fact that in the right set of circumstances, we will get triggered and we will overreact, or at least we certainly may, but there's a very high probability in the right set of circumstances that we'll get triggered and we'll overreact. And so we have to accept the fact that it's probably going to happen and show grace.
And so we have to identify when we are being triggered and why and do something about it. "Okay, here we go, it's that thing from my upbringing, it's a prior relationship, it's that thing from work. Got it. I got to remember that my spouse/partner is not like the former one and they do not deserve to be treated that way. I'm blessed to have them as my spouse or partner and it's just not fair to them." Or, "My current business partner, they're wonderful. They don't deserve to be painted with the same brushes that underhanded crook potentially that I was in business with before. They're not like that. That's not fair."
And so if you recognize that, you'll react less, get triggered less, and bounce back quicker. But I'd say life is a journey and it will never be perfect. We say in matters of faith, and this is not meant to be a cop out, we'll never be Jesus, those of us who have that faith. Doesn't mean that we're not on a journey and that we don't try, but whatever marker you have of what perfection looks like, maybe it's a friend, a family member, and you might say, "Well, I'll never be as good as them." And that may or may not be true, but it's not a comparison game, at least in that sense. Life's a journey and we're never going to hit perfection, but the point is, are we growing in our self-development and self-knowledge? Do we feel like we're getting triggered less? We're overreacting less.
Yeah, it's happening, but rather than a mountain of overreaction getting triggered, maybe it's more like a speed bump and the other person may feel like, "Okay, that was a bit weird," but they don't feel like they've been hit with a sledgehammer. Maybe they feel like being hit with a-
Gary Schneeberger:
A fly swatter.
Warwick Fairfax:
I was thinking of that. Well said. Exactly. A fly swatter. I mean, it's hard to really hurt somebody with a fly swatter. I mean, maybe if you really try, but it's hard. So okay, "Ow, that hurt a little bit, but it wasn't a sledgehammer."
So, okay. So all we can do is do the best to grow while showing patience and grace for ourselves. So realize that we're going to get triggered, realize we're going to overreact, try to improve so that you don't get triggered as much, react less, show patience and grace. Because if you do all of this and you're growing and you're apologizing, I think you'll find the people that love you and admire you and those you work with, they'll give you a lot of grace and patience when they see how, "Gosh, given what you've dealt with," which is true for many, "You're remarkably whole given that situation. You're doing pretty good."
You'll be amazed how much patience and grace they'll give you when they understand what you've been through and how you're really working on not reacting and getting triggered as much as you did and you're apologizing, you're growing in those areas. You'd be amazed at how much patience and grace people will then give you, which certainly should prompt you to give some patience and grace to yourself.
Gary Schneeberger:
Did you notice that folks? Our host just landed the plane on this conversation. All that's left is for his co-host to do what we do on every one of our episodes on Warwick's blogs. And that is, he always poses three reflection questions you can ask yourself about the content that you've heard here. And also, don't forget to go to beyondthecrucible.com. The blog is called Being Triggered Happens, Here's How Not To Give Into It.
Here's reflection point one, accept the fact that you're going to be triggered in certain situations and to identify and try to identify when you are being triggered. So accept the fact that it's going to happen, identify when it happens.
Second point of reflection, ask for help from someone that knows you and the situation well, and ask them to help you identify why you are overreacting.
And then the third point of reflection, Warick just finished up by saying it, give yourself grace while trying to overreact just a little bit less the next time a triggering situation happens, especially when it falls into the same kind of situation that tends to cause you to overreact. But regardless, be kind to yourself.
I cannot think of a better place to finish this discussion. So folks, until we're together next time, please remember, we know crucible experiences are hard and they lead to things like this. They can lead to things like being triggered. They can lead to things like overreacting to being triggered. They can lead to things you have to apologize for. All those things that we've talked about, common with crucible experiences. But guess what? We also know crucibles are not the end of your story and that's what this podcast is dedicated to showing you because if you learn the lessons from your crucible, you apply them to your life going forward, that life going forward can lead you to the best destination you'll ever arrive at. And that is a life of significance.
Welcome to a journey of transformation with The Beyond the Crucible Assessment. Unlike any other, this tool is designed to guide you from adversity to achievement. As you answer a few insightful questions, you won't just find a label like the helper or the individualist. Instead, you'll uncover your unique position in the journey of resilience. This assessment reveals where you stand today, the direction you should aim for, and crucially the steps to get there. It's more than an assessment. It's a roadmap to a life of significance. Ready? Visit beyondthecrucible.com. Take the free assessment and start charting your course to a life of significance today.