Your Past Doesn’t Define Your Future: 9 Steps to Write a New Story
We all grow up with stories. Stories can be magnificent, filling us with awe and wonder. But they can also be intimidating and scary, giving us fears about the future.
We are, in a sense, made up of our stories. Some of us grew up in stories of corporate success, where a certain level of money and lifestyle are expected. Others grew up as children of coal miners and steelworkers, where going to college may have been an unrealistic dream. Some might have grown up in relatively happy supportive families. Others may have grown up in families where there have been generations of alcoholism and abuse.
We tend to feel defined by our stories. “People like us” get corporate jobs or go to work in the mine. My family has been supportive and relatively healthy, but they played it safe, not taking many chances. My family may have had generational challenges with alcoholism and abuse. How can I be any different?
We might think we don’t have agency. That our lives have been pre-determined by our past, be it good or bad. We have to be like those who have gone before us. That’s who we are.
But we can write our own stories. Our stories can take the good parts that we admire and want to emulate, melded with new stories that we aspire to. We are the authors of own stories, which can influence the journey we take. We get to chart a new course. What will that new course be?
So how do we break free from what we feel are predetermined paths, to create a new story, our own unique story?
1. Examine your story
What are elements that make that up? Where we grew up? The type of parents we had? The kind of expectations there were? The kind of professions we were surrounded by? Or the type of culture we lived in?
2. What parts do you want to keep?
Perhaps your family was artistic or musical. Maybe they were entrepreneurs, who were always willing to try new things. Perhaps your family loved to hike in the wilderness, exposing you to the wonders of nature. Maybe your family was caring, always willing to help out a neighbor or someone in need.
3. What parts do you want to leave behind?
Perhaps your family has had generational trauma, suffering abuse or alcoholism, and you want to in a sense break that generational curse. Maybe your family defines success as corporate success, with a stable job, but you want to be an entrepreneur or an artist. Even if your family was relatively healthy and stable, perhaps they played it safe and were very cautious. Maybe you want more adventure and are willing to take more risks.
4. Define your new story.
Write down the elements — almost the colors — that will form your unique story. You may want to be a counselor of those who have suffered trauma and you want the family you are establishing to be a loving and supportive one. You want to define success differently and dream to be an entrepreneur or maybe have your own art studio. Yes, you want to be successful — but on your terms. You respect your loving family and you admire that, but you want adventure and want a job that enables you to travel the world, learning from new cultures and peoples.
5. Explain your vision for your new unique story to the family you grew up with.
Where you can honor the parts of your family’s story that you admire, do so, but explain the new parts you want to add on. If you grew up in a corporate environment you can explain that you admire your family’s hard work and striving for success. You too believe in hard work, but you want to define success in a different realm and a different way. If you had a loving, supportive family, tell them how much you admire that and you too want to have a loving and supportive family, but that you want to have adventure and want to expose your family to cultures and people they may not have known.
6. Create your own supportive environment.
If you grew up in a family of coal miners or steel workers, it might be hard to find family members who can help you in your journey to go to college and start a business. Find people that may have grown up in an environment like you but did go to college and start their own business. They can be your fellow travelers and supporters along your journey.
7. Take the first step.
How can you start making your dream a reality? Perhaps it is looking up colleges in your area and visiting them, which for you might feel very intimidating. But determine you will take that next step. For those who grew up in a corporate environment, talk to some entrepreneurs. Perhaps consider interning in their business or organization. Learn from them.
8. Honor your past.
As you take the road to your new journey, let your family know that just because you have taken a new course does not mean you condemn their path. Yes, that is hard if you grew up in a family of abuse and alcoholism. Perhaps you can give them a picture of what a healthier and better life looks like. Maybe that means forgiving them, which of course does not mean condoning what they have done. The combination of a new life lived out with forgiveness could begin to make a difference in the family you grew up with.
9. Celebrate your new story.
Wherever you are on your journey, never forget the courage it took to begin your new story. Celebrate your story with supportive friends and co-workers, with your fellow travelers and the new family you may have created. Hopefully, the family you grew up with will be able to celebrate your new story with you.
It is so easy to believe that our lives have been predetermined. We are destined to live our lives just like our parents have. But we are the author of our stories. We get to determine the journey we want to travel on. Yes, there will be speed bumps along the way, with unexpected challenges as well as unexpected opportunities and blessings. Nobody can know the complete future path, but we can chart a course that heads in a different direction.
We need to lean into the tiller of our lives, and not let our ship be taken off by the tides of our upbringing. Let’s live our lives on our terms, with our values, our interests, our passions. We get to live our lives. No matter how much we love our parents and family, they should not be the ones that determine our future. We cannot control what will happen, but we can chart a new course with new challenges and new adventures. Life is meant to be lived actively, not as a passive follower of some predetermined course.
Reflection
- Make a decision today to create your own story and chart your new path.
- Write down the elements of the story you grew up with that you want to keep, melded with the new elements you want to blend in.
- Take the first step to creating your new story, ensuring you have supportive fellow travelers who understand your path and can help guide and advise you.
To explore Beyond the Crucible resources, including our free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment, visit beyondthecrucible.com.
Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel and be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.
Have a question or comment? Drop us a line at info@beyondthecrucible.com
—
Don’t forget to subscribe for more leadership and personal growth insights: https://www.youtube.com/@beyondthecrucible
Follow Beyond the Crucible on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/beyondthecrucible
Follow Warwick on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/warwickfairfax/
Follow Beyond the Crucible on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beyondthecrucible
Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/
