Want to Build a Life You Don’t Want to Escape From?

Want to Build a Life You Don’t Want to Escape From?

by Warwick Fairfax

March 28, 2025

Many of us live in the world of shoulds. We should want to go to that college. We should want to pursue that career. We should want to live a certain lifestyle. Should. Should. Should.

Our parents, family and friends have expectations of the type of person we should be, the kind of life we should lead and the type of career we should pursue. We might indeed have expectations of ourselves. We don’t want to disappoint our family and friends. We want to “live up to our potential” and “make the smart choice.” We or our family might have invested a lot of money in law school or business school. We might be a few decades into a job or profession that we are trained to do.

But what if we don’t want to do this anymore? We might be 18, 38, 58 or 78. It doesn’t really matter. What if we feel that we are in a type of prison, in bondage to the expectations of others or of ourselves? Perhaps the life and career we are leading are making us miserable. Does life have to be that way? Can’t we lead a wonderful life, rather than a miserable life?

It is our life, and we get to choose our own adventure. We can design a life we want to live. As Margaret Hibbard, one of our team members at Beyond The Crucible, so succinctly put it, we want to have a life “that we don’t want to escape from.”

So how do we design that kind of life? Consider these thoughts:

1. What is your true calling? This is a big question, and the answer may not come overnight and may well evolve. But the wrestling with this question will take you on a path that will lead to greater fulfillment than living a life you don’t want to live.

2. What are you truly passionate about? Think about a cause or an issue that really motivates and moves you. Something that you wish was different in the world. Something you would love to be a part of.

3. What are your beliefs and values? When we pursue a calling that we are off-the-charts passionate about that is in line with our deepest, most cherished beliefs and values, that kind of calling will have staying power. That kind of vision will resonate to the depths of your soul. You won’t be able to stop thinking about it.

4. How do your skills and abilities fit in? For a vision to become reality, not only do we need to be passionate about it and not only does it have to be in line with our beliefs and values, but we need to have some relevant skills and abilities to make this vision happen.

5. How do we want the rhythms of our life to look? We might be passionate about our vision, but we might not want to work at it twenty-four hours a day. We might want a life that includes time for family and friends. We might have a number of things we want to be involved in. We might have our primary career or calling, but there might also be a nonprofit on the side that we would like to volunteer with. Perhaps we want to coach our kids’ team at school. It is our life. We get to choose the activities we want to pursue and the pace of life that fits how we want to live.

6. How do we see this adding up to a life of significance? At Beyond The Crucible, we believe that to to live a joy filled and fulfilling life, we need to live a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others.

7. How big do we want this vision to be? This is almost a trick question. The answer can be a trap. Our first answer tends to be, “Well, of course, I want this vision to be as big as possible. I want to have maximum impact.” Maybe. But count the cost. To have the “maximum impact,” it will often mean working long hours each day. Bigger is not always better and bigger is not always happier. Exercise some self-restraint

We only have one life. Spending it satisfying the expectations of others or even of ourselves is rarely the path to happiness and fulfillment. Living a life of shoulds and ought to’s, is rarely the path to joy and peace. It typically leads to frustration and misery. Why live that life? There is nothing to apologize about by saying that you want to be you and live your life not someone else’s. It takes courage to live your life. As we often say at Beyond The Crucible, it all begins with the first step. Take that first step today to leading your own life that is truly authentic to you.