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Focus On Winning A Friend Rather Than An Argument

Warwick Fairfax

October 25, 2024

We live in divided times in the U.S. and indeed around the world. The world seems to be torn apart with conflicts in Ukraine and the Middle East. There is an election in November in the U.S. where the rhetoric is heated. Differences of opinion over politics, social issues and world affairs can cause great division and even animosity. People can get so passionate and animated about their positions that they consider people with opposing viewpoints not just to be wrong but to be the enemy. There is no desire to listen, only to yell and drown out the other side.

How can such behavior accomplish anything positive? How will demonizing other people and considering them the enemy because of their viewpoints lead to anything worthwhile?

We need to be better at listening to each other and respecting each other’s points of view. One role model I had growing up was my father, Sir Warwick Fairfax. He really did try to understand and listen to other points of view, in particular in the political and religious arena. My father was chairman for many years of the family media company, John Fairfax Ltd. in Australia. In this position, he met many political and business leaders as well as religious leaders. One friend of my father’s was Bob Hawke, who became the Labor Party prime minister of Australia. But before this, Hawke was the head of the Australian Council of Trade Unions (ACTU). His opinions were definitely left of center, while my father’s political views were right of center.

Both my father and Hawke were highly intelligent; both were Oxford University graduates. And despite their different political philosophies, they had deep respect for each other and would get together quite often to exchange viewpoints and ideas.

My father, being Anglican, would have conversations with a variety of religious ministers, including Anglican ministers as well as Catholic ministers. My father’s spiritual viewpoints were more ecumenical than the Anglican ministers or the Catholic ministers in Sydney he would get together with. But again, he enjoyed having conversations with people whose opinions were not always the same as his.

So, how do we have conversations with people whose viewpoints are so different from ours? How do we avoid demonizing people who disagree with us and have constructive engagement with them? It is hard to avoid having contact with people we strongly disagree with. They might be family members, friends or co-workers. People who we disagree with are everywhere.

Here are some thoughts for achieving this goal of having constructive conversations.

1. Don’t judge the motives of people we disagree with. Don’t assume they are awful people who are bent on destroying our country, our culture and our world. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They just might not be awful, evil people.

2. Try to understand their points of view. Why do they believe what they believe?

3. Have constructive conversations with them, sharing differing perspectives and have a real exchange of ideas. You just might learn something.

4. Respect those who differ from your perspective. Try to understand where their worldview comes from. Their backstory, their life story might well have been crucial in shaping their worldview. Try to understand them as real humans with real feelings, hopes and dreams.

5. Share your backstory behind your worldview. If others with differing views understand where your perspective comes from, that might build some understanding and even respect.

6. Seek to find common ground. An exchange of ideas and a genuine seeking to understand each other can perhaps highlight areas you can agree on despite the differences.

7. Have as a goal of the conversation to build mutual respect rather than trying to win them over to your viewpoint. Seek to win a friend, not an argument.

With family, friends and co-workers in particular, don’t demonize them because they have viewpoints different than yours. Preserve the relationship. In fact, have as one of the goals of your interactions strengthening the relationship through a conversation of mutual respect. Those who differ from us on issues that are important to us don’t have to be the enemy. While we shouldn’t abandon our beliefs and values, we can have constructive engagement with people who differ from us. We can learn from them, and make our relationship with them, even our friendship with them, grow stronger.

My father was managing director and then chairman of the family media company for more than 45 years. Bob Hawke was the longest-serving Labor Prime Minister of Australia. Both were deserving of respect for their contributions to the nation. They had different political philosophies but they were friends and deeply respected each other.

Having positive engagement with those we disagree with is possible. Isn’t this more of what the world needs?

Reflection

– Who do you feel led to meet with whose opinions are very different than your own?

– What will you do to try to have a constructive conversation with them so that there is a genuine exchanging of ideas, a dialogue that enriches both of you?

– Have as your goal a conversation that seeks to build trust and mutual understanding rather than to win them over to your viewpoint.

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