Identity is something we talk quite a bit about at Beyond The Crucible. Particularly, the dangers of having your identity, your whole sense of self, wrapped up in what you do. It is easy for your mission, your vision, your life of significance, no matter how noble the purpose might seem to end up being all about you.

You may not consciously be aware of it. You might think that the vision is about serving others, but yet your ego might be pretty wrapped up in what you. Inside you might be thinking, “Look at me! I am pretty wonderful. Look at the people I am helping. I absolutely deserve to be admired by other people.”

I grew up in a 150-year-old family media business in Australia, founded by my great great grandfather John Fairfax. In 1987, after my dad died, I launched a $2.25 billion takeover of the media company, ostensibly to change management and to see the values of the company be more in line with those of the founder. This failed spectacularly with the company going into bankruptcy three years later in 1990.

For me at the time of launching the takeover, my identity was absolutely wrapped up in being a Fairfax, in being someone seen by my parents as the heir apparent to the media dynasty. My whole life I prepared myself for my future role in the company, with an undergraduate degree at Oxford University, working on Wall Street, and with a Harvard MBA. It was all about the vision and mission to preserve John Fairfax Ltd. for future generations and to serve the nation of Australia.

But my whole sense of self was wrapped up in feeling like I was the heir apparent who had to restore the family company to the vision of the founder. After the company went into bankruptcy and passed from family control, my identity was hit hard. Who was I if I was not part of the family business?

Recently, we have had two podcast guests who have been very successful with their business and philanthropic endeavors, but yet have not had their identity wrapped up in what they did. Both pursued missions that were focused on helping people. So often, people in those situations have their whole sense of self wrapped up in what they do, and then when they are no longer leading those ventures, as is the case with these two people, their ego comes crashing down and they suffer an identity crisis. Who am I if I am not the head of this successful life affirming venture?

So who were these two guests? The first was Stephanie Woollard, an Australian woman who founded an organization called Seven Women that equips and empowers thousands of women from Nepal who were marginalized by their society. The second was Jason T. Smith, also an Australian, who founded the Back In Motion Health Group, which was Australia’s largest physiotherapy network, supporting more than 140 franchisees with a team of more than 700 employees. Jason sold the business in 2020 for $100 million.

These podcast episodes with Stephanie and Jason only recently came out and we recorded those two episodes within a week of each other.

What astounded me about Stephanie and Jason is that they did not have their identity wrapped up in what they did, and when they were no longer in control of their ventures they moved onto other things, without the usual cry of, “Who am I if I am not heading up this organization?” This despite the accolades that both Stephanie and Jason received.

When I asked Stephanie about how she handled letting go of Seven Women, she said it was not like handing her baby over, and that she never saw it like that. She said that, “No, there’ll be the next place for me to make the next bit of impact. And it never defined me or who I was that I’ve seen people where what they do really is their identity. And I think that’s dangerous because what if you get sick of it?”

Jason said that as he was thinking of selling Back In Motion, he had prepared for this in part through the mentoring of a great organization called Halftime. He said in his case the issue of identity was a bit different, “because I never wanted the business in the first place because this actually wasn’t my plan for my life. … It was almost relief when I sold it rather than a deconstruction of my identity.” Jason had wanted to be a medical missionary in a developing nation. When he did not get into medical school, physiotherapy was a second choice for him.

There are powerful lessons we can learn from Stephane Woollard and Jason T. Smith about not having our whole sense of self and our identity wrapped up in what we do.

1. Do some serious self-examination and reflection. Is the venture you are about to launch or have launched truly about serving other people or is it more about you?

2. If you weren’t involved in the business how would you feel? Does that thought make you nervous? If so you need to do some serious reflecting.

3. Ask some people for help. Jason has always had mentors in his life, who he can lean on for advice. That can be very helpful. Ask those mentors or people you think could be your mentors, how much do they think your ego, your identity, is wrapped up in what you do.

4. If you find that much of your ego or identity is wrapped up in what you do, be willing to get out. Does that thought make you nervous? If the business or organization is more about you than those you serve, you will inevitably make decisions that tend to serve you and not those you serve. Is that really what you want to do?

5.Do some hard soul work. One of the keys to Stephanie’s and Jason’s stories was that they were people of faith and were always trying to serve a calling that was beyond their own agendas. In both cases, their mission and vision was truly anchored by serving those who needed what their organizations did. It was a cause, I would almost say a sacred cause. It was never about money and ego. They had their hearts in the right place before they launched their organizations.

6. Every day, pray or meditate to whatever higher power you believe in. For me, I often pray that what I do now with Beyond The Crucible would not be about me but would be about helping others. In our case at Beyond The Crucible, we believe that your worst day does not have to define you. That you can bounce back from your crucible and lead a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. That you can change the direction of your life and write a new chapter in your story.

7. Remember that not only are you not defined by your worst day, but you are not defined by your best day. Our worth cannot be tied to what we do or how others perceive us in our role of leading our initiatives. When others look down on us, that does not necessarily mean we are bad people. And when others look up to us, that does not necessarily mean we are worthy of adulation. We are a mixture of positive characteristics and some ones that are not so positive. We are all human. Our merit and self-worth does not come from what we do, but — from my perspective — it comes from above, from a higher power.

If you can’t get your ego in check, then don’t launch the business or organization. Let someone else who has done the inner soul work launch that venture. Until you work on yourself, you will not be very good at helping others. You will set yourself up to fail and will set those up you are trying to help to fail. Is that what you really want?

Reflection

Are you ready to move from trials to triumphs? Then join us on the journey today.  Take our free Beyond the Crucible Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

We talk a lot about a life of significance at Beyond The Crucible.  We say that your worst day, your crucible, should not define you.  That you need a vision, a life of significance (a life on purpose dedicated to serving others) that gives your life meaning and purpose.  That vision can often come from the ashes of your crucible, using your pain to help others avoid what happened to you or to better recover from their own crucibles as they seek to move forward.

A challenge, which can sometimes feel like a big challenge, is how  to know whether our vision, our life of significance, is enough.  We might feel  our vision is small, too small.  The people we want to help seem like a drop in the bucket.  The need is so great and what we are going to do feels like it will make only a minimal, almost a negligible difference.  Besides, there are others who are making a difference on a global scale.  We might even have friends who seem to be making a bigger difference than we will ever hope to.

All this can make us feel pretty despondent, even depressed.  It can all feel pretty hopeless.  Why even bother?

These can feel like attacks on our soul, our very essence and on what we would hope our life would be about and what we seek to accomplish with our life.

Here are some thoughts about why your life of significance matters:

1. Your life matters and your life of significance matters. You have to ask yourself, is this vision, this life of significance, important to me?  Is this what I want to devote my life to?  If the answer is yes, then that may be the key question.   Your life of significance matters to you.

2. Is this vision, this life of significance something that you are off-the-charts passionate about? If the answer is yes that is a very good sign.  A vision that will last is something you wake up at night thinking about, dreaming about, getting excited about.

3. Do you have the skills and abilities to bring this vision to reality? There should be a core of skills that are needed that you have.  You can absolutely build a team around you to support you.  This could be a formal team or an informal team including advisers.  But you should have some key contribution to make as part of your vision, your life of significance.

4. Think about why you want to help the people you want to help. The why matters.  Your why matters.  The why will tell a lot about your motivation and why you think this vision, this life of significance is so important.

5. Think about all the people you can help. Think of the difference you can make in their lives.  Focus on that difference.

6. Think about what would happen if those people are not helped. Even if it is only one person.  Is one person’s life being changed enough?

7. Finally and potentially most importantly, it is not a competition. What other people are doing with their life of significance does not matter.  It is fine to admire them, perhaps even learn from them.  Comparison can be intimidating and even demotivating.  Focus on your vision, your life of significance, what is on your heart.  So long as you are being true to that vision, that is all that matters.

Having a life of significance is not a numbers game.  There will always be more people to help than you or any person can possibly help.  It is about being faithful to the vision, the life of significance that is on your heart.  It is about living out your calling, you might even feel it is your destiny.

Be faithful to your calling.  Be faithful to your vision.  Be faithful to your life of significance.  That is enough.

Reflection

Are you ready to move from trials to triumphs? Then join us on the journey today.  Take our free Beyond the Crucible Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

We recently had a Beyond the Crucible team meeting in Savannah, Georgia. It was one of, if not the most, productive team meetings we have had.

Our mission was to chart the future course of Beyond the Crucible for the next 12 to 18 months. Why was that team meeting so productive? How do you assemble a great team and provide an environment to maximize collaboration, effectiveness and trust? As I reflected on these questions, I came away with some thoughts.

Just so you know who is in the photo, from left to right we have Margaret Hibbard, the Operations Manager at Beyond The Crucible; me, Warwick Fairfax, the Founder of Beyond The Crucible; Cheryl Farr, Founder and Chief Strategist at Signal Brand Innovation; and Gary Schneeberger, President of ROAR.

Here are some keys to assembling a great team:

1. Pick the right individual team members. Seems obvious, but it is not always easy to do. You need team members with diverse skills who realize what their talents are and, as importantly, realize what their talents are not. Each team member knows their lane, but importantly are willing to help other team members and receive help from their teammates.

2. Choose team members who are secure within themselves. They are driven and have a desire to achieve, but they don’t need to dominate and prove they are better than other team members. They are comfortable with who they are and not threatened by who their teammates are.

3. Have team members who are respectful. This is critical. Each team member must respect the value and contribution of other team members. They also don’t feel the need to “win” every discussion of every new initiative.

4. Team members must be authentic and humble. Character matters. People of character, I believe, are humble and don’t need to put on a mask. They are authentic and don’t have hidden agendas.

5. Each individual team member must be 100 percent committed to the vision of the organization. In the case of Beyond the Crucible, we believe you are not defined by your worst day. That you can bounce forward to a joy-filled and fulfilling life that we call a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. Our team is 100 percent committed to that vision and believe it is as much their vision as my vision as the founder of Beyond The Crucible. You need to create an environment team members feel is a safe place. They feel they can be heard and be vulnerable, that their opinion matters. That does not mean that each opinion on each issue will be the opinion that “wins,” so to speak; but they will feel that individually and collectively they are helping to shape the future direction of the organization. How do you create this environment of safety and vulnerability? That is largely up to the leader, who needs to choose team members who will help create such an environment. The leader needs to model vulnerability and go out of their way to make individual team members feel heard.

6. Team members need to have differences, such as in temperament, personality and experience. As one longtime leader has put it, “I don’t need two me’s on my team.”

7. Team members must genuinely care for each other. They must show kindness and a willingness to know how each person is doing. You can’t manufacture this. It has to be genuine. Often in break times, during meals, there will be occasions where team members will ask how family members are doing and show by their ability to listen and ask questions that they care about the whole person.

As I came away from our team meeting in Savannah, I was incredibly grateful. This was a team of motivated individuals who cared as passionately about the mission of Beyond the Crucible as I did. They knew who they were, what their skills were and what they were not. They were respectful of each other and did not need to dominate. They were humble and authentic.

We had rich and amazing discussions that really moved the Beyond the Crucible conversation forward. But yet in the down times in meals between meetings, we also had rich and vulnerable conversations about our lives and families. Team members such as this in an environment that feels safe, secure and empowering can enable great things to get done.

Having a great team and a great team meeting is not easy, but it is possible. It starts with having the right team members and it requires the leader of the team to help foster an environment of respect, vulnerability and compassion. When people feel they matter and that they are critical to the mission of the organization, they know they are far more than cogs in a machine and wonderful things can happen. When you put people first and respect them, it unleashes an energy and power that can accomplish great things.

Reflection

Are you ready to move from trials to triumphs? Then join us on the journey today.  Take our free Beyond the Crucible Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

As we reflect on the Trials to Triumphs Assessment and the related podcast series, we might wonder what the key takeaways are and how do we indeed go from Trials to Triumphs. Just to recap, the assessment was based on surveys of more than 11,000 people. Additionally our thinking has been influenced by the more than 120 interviews on our podcast with men and women who have not only bounced back from their crucible moments but have bounced forward to lead lives of significance, lives on purpose dedicated to serving others.

One of the important insights we have observed is that for most of us, our journeys from trials to triumphs are not easy, in fact they can be a bit bumpy. We might move forward and make some progress only to hit a speed bump or another crucible. We recover from that and move forward to at times face other challenges. The key is are we moving forward, are we learning lessons from each speed bump and crucible? Do we have the mindset that the crucibles and challenges happened for us, not to us. Perhaps we even see gifts in the crucibles, as many of our guests on the podcast have. Do we have a resilient mindset, choosing to move forward and not dwelling in the past?

Another insight we learned from the podcast series in particular is not only is the journey from trials to triumphs not easy, but we can actually hit more than one waypoint on our journey. For instance, it is quite possible to go from Stuck at the Starting Line (someone who has not processed their crucible, and is stuck; they are living in the past with anger and hurt) to being Afraid to Trip (someone who while they may have accepted and processed their crucible at one level, and has a vision for the future, but they feel cautious about moving forward; something is still holding them back). So a person can move forward from one waypoint, in this case Stuck at the Starting Line, but then find themselves with challenges at another waypoint, Afraid to Trip.

As we discussed each of the six profiles on our podcast series, I shared my personal reflections for the profiles that I had experienced. Remarkably, I found myself having gone through each of the six profiles. I moved forward, I tried to learn the lessons of my crucible and the lessons of the challenges along the way. The path forward was not easy, and it was painful at times. But I kept moving forward, and tried my best to not wallow in bitterness and anger, forgiving myself and others as necessary.

It was eye opening for me, charting my path and my growth over the years, since in my case I spent time at each of the waypoints that the profiles of the assessment identify. To be clear, you don’t have to go through each profile as I have done to go from trials to triumphs. But you may go through more than one waypoint, more than one profile and the road may get bumpy at times. You may have times of rapid forward movement and times where you feel like you are hardly moving forward at all.

So long as you have your eyes looking ahead, and you are finding ways to not let the past hold you back – which might mean there are seasons of some processing and reflecting on the past in order to move forward – then you will find a way to move forward. You will find a way to triumph, which we believe is living a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others.

To let you know my journey, I will share with you the waypoints, the profiles, I experienced in my journey to Hitting my Stride, to leading a life of significance.

– I started out On a Different Track. I grew up in my family’s 150-year-old family media business in Australia. My life was one of duty and obligation. I was living someone else’s vision, the vision of my great-great grandfather, John Fairfax. I was not on my own track with my own vision. I was living someone else’s life.

– Then I went to On a Mad Dash. I launched my $2.25B takeover in 1987 to change management and bring the vision for the company back to the ideals of the founder. In the months leading up to the announcement of the takeover and the years until the company had to file for bankruptcy in 1990 because of all the debt we had and the deep recession in Australia, I was certainly in a Mad Dash. There were numerous refinancings and lots of activities to try to keep the company afloat.

– From there I was Stuck at the Starting Line. After my takeover bid ultimately failed in 1990, I was certainly not moving forward. My whole life I had prepared myself to fulfill my duty to go into the family business. Now that life was over. What was I going to do now? I had quite a few years of feeling stuck, reflecting on the pain I had caused others, family members and employees of the company, and the pain I was feeling.

– Then I had a Running in Place time in my life. We moved to the U.S. and I got a job in the late 1990s for a few years in an aviation-services business in Maryland, where we now live. While I did fine, I felt that I was not using all of my skills and abilities. I was surviving and not thriving.

– I had an Afraid to Trip period, too. In 2008 I gave a talk in my church about what I had been through in the family business and the failed takeover. I spoke about the lessons I had learned from this. Somehow the people in the congregation seemed to be able to relate to my story. So the idea was birthed within me to write a book about my journey, Crucible Leadership, and about what I had learned about bouncing back from crucibles. But progress was slow. It took me years to write the book and years to get it published. It was painful to write about what I had been through. There was progress, but at times it felt glacial.

– Finally, I feel like I am now in a period of Hitting My Stride. As mentioned I have my book Crucible Leadership, I have a podcast Beyond The Crucible; along with speaking and writing. I am focused on leading a life of significance, a life on purpose, dedicated to serving others.

The key point is that I kept moving forward. I tried to learn the lessons of my crucible and not wallow in bitterness and anger. I tried to live a life on my terms in line with my gifting, abilities and passions, not those of my ancestors in the family business. I tried to live a life in line with my beliefs and values. I kept thinking and praying about what is the next right step. For instance, in 2003 I felt like I was not using all the gifts and abilities that from my perspective God had given me. So I went to an executive coach who did mid-career assessments, who said I had a good profile to be an executive coach myself. And so I pursued coaching.

The important point is that when I felt led to take a step I did. I kept moving forward. When I started writing my book, it was slow because it was so painful to reflect on my past experiences and hard won lessons. But I kept moving forward, writing one chapter at a time. Challenges would come up. I felt the best shot I had of getting my book published was to pursue Australian book publishers. While they were intrigued, for a variety of reasons they said no. But I kept moving forward. One publisher suggested that I needed to have a brand, so that there would be a community that would be interested in my book. So I focused on building my brand, which ultimately led to our podcast, writing and speaking.

Moving from Trials to Triumphs is usually not easy, and almost inevitably there will be challenges and perhaps more crucibles along the way. You have to have resilience. You have to process and understand the lessons of your crucibles. You have to forgive yourself and others. You have to learn and grow and live your life, not someone else’s. You have to pursue a vision that you are indeed off-the-charts passionate about — a vision that is about others, a vision of purpose that leads to a life of significance.

That is the way forward. The journey is not always easy, but it is a journey of hope and service to others.

Reflection

  1. After taking the Assessment, reflect on what waypoint, what profile you are in.
  2. What lessons do you need to learn based on where you are? Perhaps you need to further process your crucible, forgiving yourself and others.
  3. How can you take steps to move forward so that you can Hit Your Stride and live a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others?

Are you ready to move from trials to triumphs? Then join us on the journey today.  Take our free Beyond the Crucible Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Over the last five years, Beyond the Crucible has conducted a two-phase quantitative study to develop a valid, projectable understanding of how people experience life’s crucible moments. We wanted to understand how some people turn trials into triumphs — and why others get stuck in the aftermath, sometimes spinning their wheels for months, years or even decades without being able to truly move on.

On our podcast, Beyond the Crucible, we have recorded more than 120 interviews (and counting) with people who have not only bounced back from their own crucible moments, but successfully bounced forward to build new lives of significance. In listening to these stories, we noticed something: No matter how different the crucible stories and their bounce-back journeys were, they all shared certain beats along the path to recovery and significance. Every person’s story was so very different — yet they had remarkably similar touchstones.

What if we could actually identify a predictable path for bouncing forward from a crucible moment to a life of significance? We theorized that if we could do so, we could help people accelerate their journey forward. And we might even be able to help people who were stuck on the path from trial to triumph get unstuck and start moving again.

The Big Aha Moments: Mapping the Journey from Trials to Triumphs

After surveying more than 11,000 people from all walks of life across the United States, six important learnings emerged.

1. Most of us admit to having experienced at least one devastating loss or setback in life that changed us for good. Nearly three of every four people (72 percent) report that they have experienced at least one crucible moment so traumatic or painful that it fundamentally altered the course of their lives.

2. What about the 28 percent of people who say they haven’t had a crucible moment? In short, they’re in denial. No one gets to sail through life without having their trajectory altered by some loss, failure, or setback. About 1 in every 4 people have experienced what we call “veiled crucibles” — crucible moments that remain unacknowledged by their bearers, but still have a measurable and discernible effect on their lives.

3. There is a predictable map for moving from crucible to triumphs in life. This bounce-forward map is comprised of five progressive stages:

4. Your starting point on your personal path from crucible moment to a life of significance is not a product of your age, gender, personality, ZIP code, marital status, religious affiliation, or any other label or reason. It is 100 percent a product of how you see yourself, your crucible, and your place in the world at a particular moment in time. It is a “you are here” indicator on your own personal path from trial to triumph.

5. One of the things that surprised us most in the research: As part of our hypothesis, we posited that people who understood how they were wired would be better at bouncing forward from their crucible or following their own path. (At Beyond the Crucible, we refer to this as understanding how you were “designed.”) In fact? No. Knowing how you are inherently designed — what you’re good at and what you’re bad at, what you like doing and what you don’t — does not give you a statistical leg up or a shortcut on your Trials-to-Triumphs journey. While understanding your design may accelerate certain stages of your personal journey across the map (such as how fast you can turn your vision into reality, for instance), it does not fundamentally change your path. Moving from trial to triumph is all about moving through your crucible, learning to let go of the pain associated with it, casting a significant new vision for your life, and charting a course to transform that vision from an idea into your reality.

6. While there is one map, everyone’s journey from crucible to triumph is not the same. There are six different types of journeys, or paths across the map, that people can take to bounce forward. Take our free Beyond the Crucible Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to find your own unique “you are here” mark on the map” as you being your journey. Then listen to our podcast series unpacking each of the profiles to learn more about how you can triumph a reality in your life.

Reflection

  1.  Have you found yourself stuck in trying to move beyond your crucible? If so what can you do to start moving forward?
  2. Which of the five stages of moving beyond your crucible has presented you the most challenges? Why do you think that is?
  3. When you think about “triumphs” in the aftermath of your crucible, what does that destination look like for you? Write down as many thoughts as come to mind, so you can refer to them after you take the assessment as you chart your course to a life of significance.

Are you ready to move from trials to triumphs? Then join us on the journey today.  Take our free Beyond the Crucible Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Many leaders want to grow, to advance in their careers, and some want to grow as human beings as well. One of the tools we can use to grow in every sense of that word is by having mentors. Mentors can be one way we accelerate our learning and potentially accelerate the process of becoming who we want to be. It is not a cure all for solving all our career or life challenges. But it can certainly be helpful.

I have had some experience with mentors. Some were quite helpful and others were not as helpful.

We may be wondering what we should be looking for in a mentor. Here are some tips to finding the right mentor.

1. We have to be ready. We have to be at a point in our life and our careers where we want to learn. We want to grow. And we are open to help from others to get us there. This is critical. If we feel we know everything, asking for advice from a mentor will be pointless. We will be wasting their time and ours.

2. Do a readiness check. To ensure we are ready for a mentor, we need to do an internal check, a soul check if you will. We need to start from a place of humility. There is much we don’t know and much we need to know. We want to minimize our mistakes and accelerate our growth in our careers and lives. We must make the commitment to listen, even if the advice we hear is not always pleasant. Growth can be painful. It typically is. So count the cost ahead of time.

3.The right mentor matters. We need to define what we are looking for in a mentor and why we feel we need one. Perhaps we want to get further in our careers; it could be many different kinds of jobs. Perhaps we are a new mother or father and want to get advice from those parents who we admire and want to learn from.

4. A good mentor knows more than we do. If we feel a prospective mentor does not know much more in their field than we do, it may not be a great fit. A good mentor will be someone we admire. Not only do they know more than we do in our field, but they are doing it the right way. How they do their job is as important as the job they are actually doing. We might want to do our job and grow in our career the right way. Treating people well, not cutting legal or ethical corners. We want to grow in our vision and impact in our profession and we want to be around people with similar values to us and who have vision and want to impact the world in a positive way.

5. A great mentor is a great listener and asks great questions. They will not tell us what we should do. They will not give us a roadmap. They will not tell us how they grew in their career and then tell us we should use exactly the same approach. A great mentor will ask us great questions. They will want to know what our goals are, what our values are and what vision we have for our career and our life. They will ask us about legacy and what we want to leave behind. They will ask us if our lives and careers are all about us or about serving others and some higher purpose.

6. A great mentor will make us do the work. They will not do it all for us and write a big report with all the career steps laid out. They are there to guide and advise and ask us great questions. But ultimately, the responsibility for growing in our careers and lives is up to us. It is our responsibility not theirs

7. A good mentor will share our values. They will also have a balance with being encouraging and affirming while also seeking to push us forward in a gentle way to achieve the goals we say we care so deeply about. Values matter. If we say we want to be humble servant leaders who strive to be about the team and not so much about our own agenda, and that we want to make a positive difference in the world; we need to find mentors who share those values and objectives. This is critical. Mentors who have values and goals different than us could well lead us down a path to becoming exactly what we don’t want to become.

Growth in our lives and careers is not easy. We definitely need all the help we can get. Having a mentor can be helpful. But is not a cure all. Ultimately, we need to take ownership of our lives, our decisions and our mistakes. To make our vision for our lives become reality, we have to take positive steps forward, one day at a time, one month at a time, one year at a time. It will take humility, perseverance and forgiving ourselves and others. It is a long journey. If we believe our mission is important enough, we will keep going. This is our journey and our lives. Mentors are there to assist us, to help us get there faster but also become the person we want to be. A great mentor can be invaluable, an important tool in our careers and our lives. But it is only a tool. We are responsible for our lives and the growth in our lives. No one else is responsible for this.

Reflection

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Many of us live our lives to please others, to make them happy. We are often told that if we think of ourselves, our needs, our dreams, we are being selfish. We need to be practical. We need to be selfless and think of our obligation to our family, to our friends, to those at work who depend on us. After all, don’t we care about our coworkers and their families? We should want to serve those who work with us and for us. Isn’t that what servant leadership is all about?

I know this message and this story only too well. As the great-great grandson of John Fairfax, the founder of a large media company in Australia, my obligation was clear. I was the fifth generation in my family and was expected by my parents to go into the family business in a leading role. So I did my undergraduate degree at Oxford University like my dad and some other family members before me, worked on Wall Street and got my MBA at Harvard Business School. Ultimately, that sense of duty and obligation led to my being the one who launched a $2.25B billion takeover of the family business in 1987 — a bid that ultimately failed due to a combination of Australia’s recession, the company’s debt load, and, yes, my youthful inexperience and naivete.

I never once felt I had a choice to pursue my dreams. My duty to keep the family legacy of producing quality newspapers and media in Australia was clear. Didn’t I care about my family, about my country?

It is easy to paint a picture where we feel our duty, our obligation, is clear. It might be a family business. It might be the pressure from family and our community to get a high-paying, prestigious job such as being a doctor or a lawyer. But what if we want to be a sculptor, a musician or an elementary school teacher, when those around us are telling us that we could do more? We need to be practical and not so self-centered, we are told.

Here are some thoughts for counteracting this idea that living our lives to fulfill our dreams is self-centered (and not practical, for that matter).

 1. First, it is our life!
We have the God-given right to pursue our dreams, our calling. We were meant to live in light of how we were designed and lean into what we are most passionate about. It is right and appropriate. We should live in light of who we were meant to be. How is that wrong? How is that selfish?

 2. Examine why we feel obligated to please others, be it our family, friends or our coworkers.
Perhaps other people are telling us that it is our job, or our duty. Why is that? Sometimes those in our family have unfulfilled dreams that they hope we can fulfill for them. Sometimes our family or others feel that their legacy depends on us stepping into their shoes and carrying their dreams forward. But that is not our job. Our family, friends and coworkers have the right to pursue their hopes and dreams. And so do we!

 3. Us playing small by carrying on the legacy of others does no one any good.
Over time we may well begin to feel bitter, to feel used. How can you do a good job under a sense of obligation and duty? You really can’t. It is not sustainable.

 4. So shift to thinking about what you are really good at, what you are passionate about.
As you lay awake at night, what problem that the world needs help with do you feel called to fulfill? A true vision that lasts, a calling, needs to have as part of it a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. That makes it clear to you and to others that this may be your dream, your vision, but it is anchored in serving others. That kind of a dream and vision is absolutely not selfish or self-centered

 5. Think about small steps, small probes.
You might think you don’t know what you are really off-the-charts passionate about, in areas you are great at, which the world really needs. But try something; I would almost say anything. What’s the next right baby step that you feel will take you in a direction you want to explore? It might not be the ultimate destination, but if you link enough baby steps together and progress in finding your calling, the vision you are off-the-charts excited about will happen. Trust yourself and trust the process.

 6. Gather your team.
Making a shift from a life of people pleasing, a life of obligation, is not easy. There will be plenty of people who will tell you to be practical, to stop being selfish and to keep on the track of obligation of living someone else’s dream and vision. You need a team to counteract this, a team that is for you, that will help to encourage you to pursue your dream and your vision. Perhaps that team will include people who will help you bring your vision to reality.

 7. Do something!
You have to make a decision today that your days of obligation and people pleasing are over. You will live today and from now on a life that is in line with your calling, I would almost say your divine calling. Making a step, however small, is a huge step, especially the first step. And for those who say you have to be practical, remember it is your life. If you would rather teach elementary school kids than train corporate executives, for instance, that is your choice. Clearly the salary and income will be quite different. But it is your life. You get to choose your path, even if that path has a lower income level.

We all want to live a joyful and fulfilled life, to leave a legacy that others can be proud of, to feel we lived a life that mattered. Living a life of obligation and people pleasing is not the way to do this. We will feel we missed out. We made everyone happy, except us. We took the easy way out. That may well lead to a life of regret, even bitterness. We don’t want to be that person or take that road. A life that truly does serve others, that in some way makes an impact for good, is anchored in our calling, our dreams, our vision. Such a vision will animate us, propel us forward and will give us a sense of deep satisfaction. A life we lived, that we chose, that makes the impact we feel called to make. That is the kind of life that we can be proud of.

Reflection

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Thanksgiving is a uniquely North American tradition, celebrated in November in the U.S. and October in Canada. In the U.S, Thanksgiving commemorates a feast between the Pilgrims and Native Americans in the Fall of 1621. It had been a harsh winter, with the Pilgrims celebrating a successful harvest and giving thanks to God. Nowadays it is a time for family and friends to gather to give thanks amid turkey, pumpkin pie and other holiday food.

Thanksgiving can be a wonderful time with family and friends. But Thanksgiving can also be a somber time where we mourn those no longer with us, and perhaps mourn relationships that are not what they once were. Thanksgiving can also be a lonely time where we don’t have family and friends that we feel comfortable being with.

How do we navigate Thanksgiving with these mixed emotions, some good and some not so good?

1. Start by giving thanks.

This might seem obvious, but the key point of Thanksgiving, whether it is giving thanks to God or thanks more generally, is to be thankful.  Even when life is not easy, there are usually some things we can be thankful for.  Perhaps, despite the unavoidable strains that befall any relationship, we are actually thankful for our spouse, partner and kids and our parents.  Perhaps we are blessed to have a job, one which we hopefully like.  Or it could be as simple as being thankful for this day, a walk in the woods or the park; being thankful for an encouraging friend.  If we think about it enough, we can usually think of something or someone we are thankful for.

2. Allow yourself to reflect.

Reflect on how things have been over the last year or so, both the good and the bad. We are as humans, emotional beings, so just pretending that everything is great and not allowing yourself to reflect is not good. So think about what has gone well, what has not gone as well and even areas you feel conflicted about. You can’t deal with and process what you don’t allow yourself to feel and consider.

3. Learn the lessons.

Think about what has happened over this last year in particular. Or you could go further back and consider what you can learn from things that have gone well and things that have not gone well. Pondering why some things have gone well can be very valuable. Perhaps you are grateful for supportive parents who encouraged you in your dreams, or the opportunity to have a good education or a good job. You might remember that you got to where you are by working hard or taking a risk. Qualities that served you well in the past and will serve you well in the future.

There are also lessons in the areas that have not gone well. Perhaps in high school you made some poor choices, hung out with the wrong friends, and did not work as hard as you could have. You can’t change the past, but the past can provide lessons about areas you want to change in the present and the future. Every day we can make a choice how we want to live today: which decisions will take us forward and which ones will take us backward. Some areas in our life are painful, through no fault of ours. Perhaps you have been mistreated growing up or in your job. We can consider how we want to move forward, forgiving what has happened in order to move forward, which does not mean condoning what happened. We may decide to chart a different course and not let what happened to us control us or define us.

4. Share with others.

Consider how what you have been through, both the good and the bad, can help others. Perhaps you had a supportive family that was always at your games in school and supported your dreams. Share that story with others and think of how you can be supportive to your friends and family and co-workers as well. We may have been blessed, so we should think of how we can use those blessings to bless others.

In areas, where life has not gone as well, use it as a springboard to think of others. You can help others avoid your mistakes and perhaps help them avoid the pain that was inflicted on you. And for those who have suffered, you can encourage them and help them realize that they are not alone. You know how they feel and you will be with them.

5. Craft a mission from thankfulness.

As you reflect on the areas you are grateful for and the areas that are more painful, think of how both the good and the bad can be the foundation of a mission. This could lead to a nonprofit or a different way of thinking about your work or family. It could lead to an intentional personal mission to live differently and give back as part of who you are as you are looking to bless others: the foundation of what we call a life of significance.

6. Be present.

As you are reflecting on what has gone well and what has not gone well, what you are grateful for and how you can use what you have been through, be present. As you are around friends and family at Thanksgiving, listen to their stories, ask them questions about their lives. Laugh with them, grieve with them, have fun with them. And importantly, if you have any ill feelings toward them, forgive them. They may push your buttons, irritate you, remind you of things you wished you had not done or said years ago. But it is Thanksgiving. Have a spirit of grace.

7. Celebrate Thanksgiving!

With all the good and the bad, the poor decisions you have made, the bad things that have happened to you, the sometimes challenging relationships you may have with family and friends; celebrate! Life is complex, a mix of good times and hard times. Amidst the different and conflicting steams of life, celebrate what you have and who you are. Having a positive attitude, a glass half-full mentality, is better than the alternative.

Thanksgiving is not always an easy time. It is a time for being thankful, for reflecting, for sharing, for giving to others, for trying to move on and let go of past bitterness, and a time for celebration. Don’t let Thanksgiving overwhelm you.  Channel your thoughts, emotions and reflections in a positive manner so that Thanksgiving can indeed be a time of celebration.

Reflection:

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Sometimes after a crucible — a devastating setback or failure that fundamentally alters the course of our lives — we struggle to find a way forward. We find it challenging to find a vision worthwhile to devote our lives to. Even if we do find such a vision, there is often a tendency to think that our vision is pretty small. How much difference can our vision make in the world? There are so many problems that exist, and what we are planning on doing we might think may not make a lot of difference to those problems. Besides, we know people or we have heard of people making huge differences in the world. We are so not them. So why bother? What difference is it all going to make?

I know the feeling well of thinking that my vision was not big enough and the thought that it would not make that much difference in the world.

I grew up in a large 150-year-old family media business in Australia. John Fairfax Ltd., my family’s company, owned newspapers, magazines, TV stations, and radio stations. It owned some of the major newspapers of our country; The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age in Melbourne and the Australian Financial Review. After my failed $2.25B takeover finally ended in 1990, the company went into bankruptcy and passed from family hands. My vision was to restore the company to the image of the founder, my great-great grandfather John Fairfax, and to see the company was being well managed. What I thought was a noble vision at the time, ended in 1990. How could I ever have a vision that I could live out that would remotely be on the same level as that? After all, I felt the vision I had for the family media company was something that could affect the nation of Australia. It did not feel like a small vision.

So how do we move forward in finding our vision and living it out, when we feel it is so small and perhaps, we are thinking to ourselves, “Why bother?”. Here are some thoughts on how to combat the feeling that our vision is not big enough:

1. It is not a competition.

It is not about how big someone else’s vision is. It might be a vision from someone you have read about, or what is almost worse, a vision of a friend of yours that makes you and your vision seem so small. We need to be satisfied with the vision that we have. Not that it matters, but most people with worthwhile visions who seek to uplift people and have some higher purpose — and that we might view as incredibly successful — would not look at our vision and think how small it is. They would celebrate what we are doing.

2. The key is what is on our heart.

The size of the vision should not be the focus. Our focus should be what we felt led to accomplish, the vision that is on our hearts. From my faith perspective, I look at the vision that I feel led to move forward with, the vision that I believe God has put on my heart. If you feel that your vision is your calling, that it comes from deep within you or from some higher purpose, that is not wrong. I would almost say it can’t be wrong.

3. One life changed is enough.

I would go so far as saying, even if only one person, one life was touched by our vision, that is enough. If all of us, would strive to have life affirming visions that seek to make a difference in the lives of others — one vision, one life at a time — the world would be powerfully impacted. One life changed is enough.  That is not to limit our visions, but to free us from this sense of obligation, and the sense of “why bother?” that is it is all too easy to have.

4. Link your vision to what you feel is important.

Part of avoiding the sense that we are playing small and that our vision is not big enough, is to link our vision to something we feel is important. For many of our guests on our podcast, Beyond The Crucible, they have found their visions coming out of the ashes of their crucible. They want to help others avoid what they have been through, or to help them come back from the devastating setbacks they have experienced. Their crucible has meaning. Some even see their crucible as a blessing, as it has given their life purpose. That kind of purpose driven vision, in this case, linked to your crucible, is not small.

5. Connect your vision to who you fundamentally are.

Connecting your vision to how you are fundamentally wired, to your gifts and talents, will help you feel you were made to carry out this vision. This vision is why you were put on this earth.

6. Free yourself from the sense of obligation.

Obligation is not a motivator, it is a demotivator. Don’t think in terms of what we feel we should do or what we ought to do. Think in terms of what we feel called to do, what we want to do in the depths of our soul.

7. Motivation is everything.

At Beyond The Crucible, we talk about how joy and fulfillment come from living a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. We need to make sure our vision is grounded in a purpose that will help others, a higher purpose; something that will make the world a better place. An altruistic, life affirming vision is never a small vision.  If our vision is focused on others, not on ourselves, that is always a big vision.

Back to my story. After my failed $2.25B takeover bid, I did struggle with the sense that any vision I could pursue, would inevitably pale into insignificance compared to the vision I had in Australia for the family media business. But gradually over time, my attitude changed.  I also let my vision evolve, and gradually freed myself from a sense of obligation.  I became a certified International Coach Federation (ICF) executive coach. I wrote a book, Crucible Leadership, Embrace Your Trials to Lead a Life of Significance, in part about my story, lessons learned and my journey back. I launched Beyond The Crucible, with its podcast Beyond The Crucible, blogs, social media posts and speaking events.

On some level, I may not be as prominent as I once was, and some might say my impact is less. But from my faith perspective, if I am living a vision in line with a higher purpose, a God given purpose from my perspective, that is not and cannot be a small vision.

I try to stay disciplined to the notion that if I am pursuing a vision I feel called to that seeks to serve others and fulfills in some way a higher purpose, it can’t be a small vision. I have friends, family and colleagues who support me in this, if ever I am tempted to go down the road of what the impact might have been with the family business or that my vision is not big enough.

Ultimately, if we are living a vision that we feel called to, that helps others and in some way fulfills a higher purpose, that we are passionate about and uses everything that we are, that is not a small vision. It is a big vision and it is enough. 

Reflection:

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

We spoke in January about making a life resolution rather than a New Year’s resolution. That we should make a resolution to live in light of our true purpose. In that blog, we gave some steps to help you find your true purpose and calling.

Now, we are six months through the year which is a great time to think about recalibrating our mission and vision. How do we know if we are drifting off course, if we are suffering mission drift? Perhaps our mission and vision are evolving, becoming more refined. Which is it? It can get confusing. 

For me, my mission and vision have evolved over the years. 

Growing up, I thought my mission was to be the leading figure in my family’s 150-year-old media business in Australia. After my undergraduate degree at Oxford, a stint on Wall Street, and then with my MBA from Harvard Business School, I launched my $2.25B takeover of my family’s media company. 

When that failed, rather spectacularly, I needed a new mission and vison. This time my own mission and vision, not my family’s. It took a while, a long while. I eventually got a job in an aviation services business doing financial and marketing analysis. My first real shift to truly finding my own mission and vision was in 2003 when I became an executive coach, eventually becoming trained and certified by the International Coach Federation. I joined the boards of two nonprofit organizations, including my local church. Then in 2008, after a talk in church, I started writing my book, Crucible Leadership, Embrace Your Trials to Lead a Life of Significance. This led to me founding Beyond the Crucible, which has a podcast of the same name, blogs, social media posts and speaking. 

The point of this story is that my mission and vision have evolved. That started more recently with executive coaching, then writing my book, then evolved to my podcast, blogs, social media and speaking. It will undoubtedly continue to evolve. 

But at its core, the mission of Beyond The Crucible is to help people not be defined by their worst day; to help people bounce back from the pit of despair after a terrible crucible experience to lead lives of significance, lives on purpose dedicated to serving others. That is my purpose at Beyond the Crucible. If I start drifting from that to work on other areas such as corporate succession or nonprofit governance issues, that is not my true purpose. 

I also need to avoid drifting from my core skill set and passion; that is to be a reflective adviser. I love working in the thought leader space, learning from others, and trying to share some thoughts so that people will not feel they are defined by their worst day. 

So how can you avoid mission drift and realign with your true purpose? Here are seven key principles: 

1. Know Your Purpose.

You have to know your purpose, the true reason you are doing what you are doing. Mine, as mentioned, is to help people bounce back from their worst day to lead lives of significance. What is your purpose and mission? Write it down, ideally in one sentence. 

2. Evaluate Whether You Have Drifted.

Look at where you are and what you are doing. Are your mission and vision truly in line with your true purpose, or have they drifted? 

3. If You Have Drifted, Move Back To Your Purpose.

Life is about choices. Over time we can make small or big choices that we might feel are good opportunities, but they can incrementally take us off course. Resolve today to go back to what you felt called to do. The good can be the enemy of the great, the enemy of your true purpose, the reason you were put on this earth. 

4. If Your Vision Has Grown or Shifted, But Your Core Purpose Is The Same, Good News.

It means your mission and vision have evolved, but you have not drifted from your true purpose. If you can still say who you are and what you do is in line with your true purpose, mentioned in point number 1, then that is mission and vision evolution not mission and vision drift. 

5. If You Have Drifted, It May Be Time For Tough Choices.

Life is indeed about choices. If you feel that some of what you are doing is out of line with your true purpose, stop doing it. Yes, just stop! Say no! Stop doing activities that are not fully in line with who you are and what you feel you were meant to do in life. 

6. Fellow Travelers Can Really Help.

Having friends and family outside of what you do, or even colleagues who are part of what you do can be really helpful. Ask them whether you are drifting from your true purpose. If you really want to know, those who know you the best and really care about you will tell you. It might take a bit of prompting, but such feedback can be invaluable, even life saving or perhaps more accurately purpose saving. 

7. Give Yourself Some Grace.

Mission drift tends to happen naturally. No one drifts on purpose. Most of us have so much going on that one activity or initiative leads to another, and before we know it, we have drifted from our true purpose. Evolution of our mission and vision, so long as it is line with our true purpose, is fine. It is a natural part of life. Don’t fear the evolution of your mission and vision, embrace it. Growth is a good thing. 

Life is short. We should spend our time on this earth living in light of what we were made to do, living in light of our true purpose. The world is blessed when we are living in light of our true purpose and sharing that with the world. 

Resolve today that you will be exactly who you were meant to be, and sharing your true purpose with the world. 

Reflection:

Ready to create a life you love?