At 19, Ryan Campbell became the youngest pilot to fly solo around the world. Two years later, a horrific plane crash threatened more than the dream he birthed at 6 to make a life and a living streaking through the skies. Left a paraplegic after the accident, he fought back physically and emotionally to walk — and hope — again. Today, he’s an in-demand motivational speaker who inspires audiences to build a mindset toolbox to conquer their crucibles.
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Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome everyone to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the podcast and the Communications Director for Crucible Leadership. And we're welcoming you into a podcast that is about a subject that you probably know a little bit about if you've tuned in, and that is crucible experiences. We define crucible experiences as those things in your life that are painful, traumatic, upsetting. They can change the trajectory of your lives, failures and setbacks and things that happen to you, and sometimes things that you yourself set into motion. But the reason that we talk about them here on Beyond the Crucible is not sort of have a powwow where we just sort of tell war stories. The idea of talking about them is to highlight folks like our guest today who have been through crucibles and have bounced back from their crucibles. And now they're on the other side, living lives of significance.
Gary S:
And we talk about those individuals and we interview those individuals to give you hope on your road to healing, on your own road to a life of significance. And with me as always, I would not be here were he not here is Warwick Fairfax, who is the founder of Crucible Leadership and the host of the show. Warwick, we've got a great one today and not only because the only American accent on the show today is going to be mine.
Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely very much. Looking forward to that.
Gary S:
That listener was a reference to our guest Ryan Campbell, who when he speaks, you will realize is like Warwick, Australian, but here's a little bit more about Ryan. Few people have encountered the extreme polar opposites of success and tragedy that Ryan has, let alone by the age of 26. As the youngest person to fly solo around the world, Ryan's life changed in an instant following a very serious light plane crash. He survived against all odds and was admitted to a spinal rehabilitation ward as a complete paraplegic with no movement from the waist down. Ryan proved his mental fortitude as a record breaking pilot, but demonstrated his mastery by learning to walk again and fighting his way back into the sky. The gamut of human experience led Ryan to develop his mindset toolbox and the three step checklist to navigating change, ways of thinking that allow individuals and organizations to overcome adversity, navigate change, and build a better future. That's really what we're all about at Crucible Leadership. So take it away, Warwick.
Warwick Fairfax:
Ryan, it's so great to have you on the podcast and love your story and your book Born to Fly. But before we get into your crucible and some of the amazing things you've done in flying, tell us a bit about Ryan Campbell, how you grew up, your family. Tell us a bit about yeah, yourself growing up in Australia.
Ryan Campbell:
Good afternoon gentlemen. Thanks Warwick. I explain myself as just a normal Aussie kid. Any more laid back, I'd be lying down. That's my favorite overused line. I grew up not in a poor family, but not in a rich family, just a standard middle-class Australian establishment. We originated on a farm property and then we moved down to the beach when I was about six years old. And I grew up by the salty clear blue water and the golden beachy sands, which I now miss. But my dad was a truck driver. He was a farmer and he was a local milk man. And my mom was a stay at home mom.
Ryan Campbell:
We had a family of five, two older brothers and a family I suppose you could say much larger than that also you know, grandparents and aunties and uncles. And just an amazing upbringing, which the older I get, the more I value and appreciate. So a really cool upbringing. I was a young kid with a whole bunch of ideas that mom and dad normally rolled their eyes at. And many of those ideas, just drifted away into the atmosphere but a few of them landed and resulted in some wild adventures, not just for myself and then my family, but for whole bunch of people who were in involved in our little escapades. So it's just a normal as a kid is my favorite way to talk about who I am.
Warwick Fairfax:
So, where did your sense of adventure come from? Was it your mom, dad, or relatives? Because you're somebody that just likes doing things that other people don't normally do.
Ryan Campbell:
I think the problem lies within me to be honest.
Warwick Fairfax:
No problem.
Ryan Campbell:
I have a family who love travel, but we love to kind of see the world and a very outside of the box thinking family. But I'm definitely the first person and still the only person who's really ventured out on anything super left of field like I did and continue to do. I've always been a very impatient kid. I always wanted more. I remember when I was a young kid, I used to unpack the dishwasher and ask for chores before school. So mum could save some money for me so I could pocket money and buy things. And I just when I wanted something, it didn't matter what it was, a piece of technology or an ice cream or a new CD or whatever. I was that kid who just did not let go. It didn't matter whether my parents knew I would never use the product when it arrived in my hands, but I've always been someone who is very fixated on a goal. And that I think in itself has led to the adventures that we had.
Warwick Fairfax:
So I understand that you have wanted to fly or being fascinated by flying at the various earliest age. What was your first memories of this passion for flying?
Ryan Campbell:
I think so the first memory has attached to it a really cool business story to give you a little bit of an idea of my family. So my dad was a milkman, as I said, mum was a stay at home mom. We didn't have a lot of money, but we worked for a company in Australia where they had an incentive program every year. Now, if we sold a certain amount of berry juice products, we would get a free to take it overseas. So I remember at six years old in a family that had never set foot outside of Australia, my parents bought a lot of juice and I'm talking, we filled that store room with long life apple juice and orange juice. And what that led to was the first overseas trip to Vanuatu an Island in the Pacific when I was six years old. And we went on a business trip where we swam in the pool and they went to their little work events for a week and it was a amazing getaway.
Ryan Campbell:
And it was the only way my parents could afford to go overseas because they then come home from the holiday and spend the next six months selling orange juice to anyone with a thirst to pay for that adventure. So it was on that first overseas trip, that was actually to be the first of four. So we're really lucky young kids to get to travel. The first of four of these incentive trips that I climbed into a Boeing 737. And we took off and being the youngest and the cutest of the three, which I always say we, they put me by the window. I got the window seat and I sat there and watched Sydney appear in the window of that aircraft as we took off and everything about the experience, I was just blown away by it. It was just simply magic to me. The fact that everyone in Sydney, has a red roof on their house or just the size of Sydney, or honestly the biggest moment was the fact that we went through clouds.
Ryan Campbell:
At six years old, I didn't even believe he could reach the clouds, let alone do so over Sydney in an airplane. And prior to September 11, which shows how old I am. We were invited up to the cockpit and I walked up there with both my brothers and I followed in trail and we met the pilots and we looked at the buttons and the switches. And from that point on, if honestly Warwick and you laugh at this being an Aussie, but I would always tell people three things from when I was six years old. One is that I wanted to be a jumbo jet pilot. I wanted to fly for Qantas. That was great. That was a solid dream that lasted. The second was that I wanted to own a Subaru WRX, which was a big dream for a six year old. The third, for some reason I wanted to live in Canberra. I don't know whether it was a small town, just kind of like saw the glistening lights and the shopping centers, but I don't know, I would not live in Canberra if you paid me now, but-
Warwick Fairfax:
No. It's a pretty quiet place for capital city. There's not much going on.
Ryan Campbell:
It definitely is. So, I was a six year old kid with three big dreams. And the one that truly lasted was this discovery of passion and that was aviation. And it honestly has taken me and provided the highest experiences of my life, the best, the most positive experiences. But it's also taken me to the deepest and the darkest places. So it really has provided a roller coaster ride in a short period of time.
Warwick Fairfax:
So after that trip to Vanuatu and sitting in the cockpit and having this passion for flying, you told your mum and dad, "Okay, I want to be a pilot." What was their reaction to this dream of this six year old?
Ryan Campbell:
Little did I know when I was six that my granddad had actually, he'd just passed away, but he had been a pilot and not professionally, but he'd been a private pilot. Little did I know my dad actually wanted to learn to fly, he'd always wanted to learn since he was a kid. Little do I know my uncle who didn't have a lot to do with was a commercial pilot and owned a joy flight business, in Merimbula the little town I grew up on the South Coast of Australia there. And little did I know all of that, which just makes me believe that aviation's in my blood. So my family probably didn't take it as a shock. And as we grew older, that dream, as I said really was set in stone. It was getting to 14 years old and saying, "Alright, I need a plan. How am I going to work through school? And learn to fly."
Ryan Campbell:
Well, common sense at that point for 14 year old kid said, "You know what? You're going to need two things. You're going to need money, a lot of it. And you're going to need at least a driver's license before they'll let you fly an airplane." I was incorrect on one of those fronts. I definitely needed money, but I was reading the local newspaper when I was 14. And I read an article about a kid who flew solo in an airplane on his own for the very first time on the day he turned 15. That was the first day he was legally allowed. And here I am at 14, not very good at math, but I was like, "I don't have very long if he can do it. Why can't I?" Well, that led to an afterschool job.
Ryan Campbell:
And that led to a weekend job. And it led to about, what was I earning? $50 to wash a truck and 45 at the supermarket. So I was earning around about, I think, $190 a fortnight or every two weeks and a flying lesson for an hour was 180. So I actually funded my way through flight training throughout school. I went solo much to my mum's stress levels, went through the roof. But I went solo on my 15th birthday, just like this kid in the article. And I had discovered what I could do with a goal and a little bit of hard work. And I ignited this passion, not just to fly more, but to do everything I could at the youngest possible age. And the adventure just, it sped up from there.
Warwick Fairfax:
That's amazing. So you have all this sort of unknown, maybe flying genes in there, or it's just amazing how these things happen. So you had this dream of flying, when did this idea to fly around the world, while you were still a teenager, but what point did that dream started to form?
Ryan Campbell:
So I'd flown solo on my 15th birthday. When I was 16, I turned 16 I passed a flight test that allow me to take friends and family flying in a restricted area. I wasn't 17 yet, so I didn't have a driver's license. I couldn't drive a car on my own. So all my buddies at school who were older than me, we cut a deal with them. And we said, "All right, you drive me from school to the airport. After school, I'll take you for a fly, but you've got to drop me home." So that was my deal throughout when I was when I was 16, sorry. When I was 17, I had a private pilot's license. And when I was 18, I had a commercial. So I really pushed for whatever I could every time I become a year older. It was at 17 that I read an article again, I should've stop reading articles.
Ryan Campbell:
But I read an article on a kid who was American 23 years old who'd broken the world record for the youngest person to fly solo around the world. And we're talking 2008. We're talking the prior world record being 37. So there really was no age record. And we're talking a time where more people had gone to space and flying solo around the world. So not a very common thing to take place. Well, here I was at 17, he was 23. And again, not very good at math. I knew I had six years to pull this off and I decided I wanted to find out more, but I kept it a secret.
Ryan Campbell:
So I did what any wannabe 17 year old teenager would do and I Googled how to fly solo around the world. And I found a website called earthrounders.com and I printed off all the information. I highlighted all the important parts and I hid it in my desk. I didn't want my mom, my dad, my brothers, I didn't want anyone to find it. I didn't want anyone to think that I was silly enough to believe this was possible.
Warwick Fairfax:
So were you afraid that they were going to try and talk you out of it or something?
Ryan Campbell:
Or judge me or laugh at me and I have the most supportive family in the world. So it was a very irrational fear, but I thought they would potentially just laugh and get "What is this kid on?" You know, like this is wild. But I read those articles over and over again. And there wasn't a lot to read given that not many people had actually done this. I got to the point where I wanted to know more. I wanted to know more than that those articles, but what do you do at that point? Now my mom and dad couldn't help me. So I decided I'd contact a gentleman I'm sure you know to some degree, Dick Smith, an Australian entrepreneur, a businessman, aviation adventure, previous around the world, pilot. I decided I'd contact Dick Smith and I thought well, he has the power to help me, he has the knowledge and he has some of the answers. And if he laughs at me and this doesn't happen, I don't cross paths with Dick Smith very often. So I'm not going to feel judged.
Warwick Fairfax:
And that's sort of amazing because Dick Smith for U.S audience, he has an electronic store chain kind of like Best Buy in a sense in the U.S so I mean, it's kind of everywhere. So he's very successful, see, you reached out to Dick Smith, he's a busy guy, very successful and he responded.
Ryan Campbell:
He did and-
Warwick Fairfax:
Which is so amazing.
Ryan Campbell:
My mum said "How did you do that when you were 17?" And I said, "I just Googled Dick Smith's email address." And I hate to tell anyone that, but I found five and I sent an email out to all five. And I said, "Dear D|ick Smith. My name is Ryan Campbell, I've got 200 hours and I want to be the youngest person." I read that email now and just cringe. And he responded. And he said to me, "Ryan, he said, what you want to do is dangerous. It's very risky. It's hard. It's never been done before." And he listed all these bad elements to the adventure. But at the end he said a few simple words, and this was all about it. He said, "But it can be done, go and find yourself a mentor. And if you find a mentor who tells me that you're the guy for the job, I'll support you."
Ryan Campbell:
So I took that same email that I sent to Dick and I crossed out Dear Dick and I wrote Dear Ken. And I sent it to a guy called Ken. And he was the second person to ever hear about this adventure. He'd flown around the world with another pilot. He was an Australian based in a little town called Bendigo. He agreed to be my mentor. So I went back to Dick Smith. All of a sudden I had a team of three. Everything was very exciting until I realized I had not told or asked my mom and dad yet, at 17 years old. So we went down the road of asking mom and dad, I washed the dishes one night, which I think helped. And I said to mom and dad, "Hey, what would you think if I said that maybe potentially one day I might want to fly a small airplane solo around the world?"
Ryan Campbell:
And dad said, "Oh, you'd see some amazing things." And mom said, "Oh, wouldn't that just be a phenomenal experience?" And I thought here they are my parents going, here's another idea this kid's got. Yeah. Well then I sat the folder of emails down in front of them from Dick Smith. Literally a name they'd grown up with and all of a sudden it wasn't a joke. Well, that started the two year planning, training, fundraising, adventure, where I didn't just plan and train and then prepare as a pilot. But we fundraised a quarter of a million dollars on a laptop computer, the same laptop that would go around the world to write the blogs, the same laptop that we would write the book on. And we pulled together a team from literally myself to what became a massive team at an industry who supported what was a history making adventure. So a really long two years, lots of fundraising, lots of lessons, lots of growing up for a young kid.
Warwick Fairfax:
But to raise 250,000 being at age 17 is amazing. Obviously, your parents might've be nervous, but they were supportive. You had a plan. I mean, not too many 17 year olds would come up with a plan and have the courage to just write to Dick Smith and the wisdom to seek mentors when it was suggested. I mean, you pursued a goal just all out, but with a lot of wisdom, it was sort of courage and wisdom. I mean, as you reflect back, I know there's a lot of lessons in your life, but those lessons leading up to that round the world flight, they are some key lessons for people and how you approached it.
Ryan Campbell:
Absolutely. And for me, I always say courage and commitment, courage to take it on, commitment to see it through. And I learnt so many lessons the hard way, and we could talk for days about the little moments that I learned and I was a kid who couldn't make his bed. And I was trying to contact the largest companies in the world through these very average sponsorship proposals where I'd stolen their logo, full copyrights, straight off the internet. And I started off and had to refine the process to find success. And we did find success from a deal with 60 Minutes and all sorts of large media outlets around the world. And what resulted, not just in a successful adventure, but a book deal. And it was a phenomenal transformational time for a young kid to learn and grow even before we took off to fly around the world. I mean, that two years was I think that more of the story lies in that two years than it does in the 70 days of circumnavigating the globe.
Warwick Fairfax:
And that was 2015 was it? When did the flight happen?
Ryan Campbell:
That was 2013.
Warwick Fairfax:
2013. Okay. Got it. And so that was, how long did it take to fly around the world did you say?
Ryan Campbell:
So I climbed into a rented single engine airplane, and then it was a full seat piston powered propeller plane. And I had 160 gallons of fuel in the cockpit with me and a big bag. And we could fly this airplane up to 16 and a half hours nonstop, and that's what I needed to cross all these big ocean legs. And I took off at 19 years of age after that two years of planning, we flew 24,000 nautical miles to 35 stops in 15 countries. I took off from Wollongong, just South of Sydney, Australia on the East Coast. And I pointed that airplane Northeast, purely over the Pacific ocean. And I did not stop until I made it to North America. I had about five legs to get across the Pacific alone, the longest being Hawaii to California, 15 hours nonstop, literally sitting in my little seat. So a very long trip in a very...
Warwick Fairfax:
Not a lot of margin for error on that one, if you've...
Ryan Campbell:
Very little margin for error. There's some stories from that leg for sure.
Warwick Fairfax:
So you did this remarkable journey in 2013 and that led to, I think the book you wrote Born to Fly was that written after that, but before?
Ryan Campbell:
Yeah. The way that I explain the stories when we deliver keynotes is I tell stories, not from an ego point of view, I hate nothing more than ego or manufactured drama in life. And we tell these stories to give people a little bit of an idea of how good life was at this point. So around the world flight ended, we were on 60 Minutes. I was invited to meet the Royals and named one of Australia's 50 greatest explorers. And I wrote a book that my nan can tell you every page number of every spelling mistake in that book, and that's not a joke. And we shared the story and the story spread and life was great. We did so many wonderful things that Australia Day, Ambassador roles, and just had the opportunity to see a story which originated as a silly idea in a 17 year old kid's head spread and impact the world. Everyone from six year old kids who wanted to maybe fly one day like I did originally through to ex World War II Spitfire pilots who were writing me letters, just absolutely blown away by the story.
Ryan Campbell:
Yeah, my heroes of the world were reaching out to me. So my life was amazing. I was on the Australian speaking circuit and I was flying for a living and speaking, just to kind of subsidize the terrible pay that we kept paid as pilots. And I could not argue with where I was at in life. And then it all changed.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. So life was going so well, you were talking about courage, commitment, go for your dreams. Anything's possible, which is a great message. But then for whatever reason, the world or fate gave you another message, which you weren't planning on. Didn't really want to talk about that. I guess it's 2015, that kind of that fateful day, what happened?
Ryan Campbell:
Well, I was my six year old self wanted to not only fly jumbo jet, but my dream was to fly for Qantas, the Australian airline.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah.
Ryan Campbell:
Following a speaking gig in Canberra, believe it or not. I was offered a job with Qantas Link, our regional Qantas airline. And I turned it down because my dream was to fly Spitfires. I wanted to fly World War II fighters. That was my dream. And I wasn't going to gain the experience I needed to fly those rare airplanes through flying for an airline. Plus I was 20, 21. I needed to go and live a little bit more. And I turned down the job with the airline and I took a job flying Vintage airplanes to build up the experience I needed and just to have a great, exciting living. So my job was to fly a biplane that was built in the 1930s up and down the coast of Australia and do some aerobatics and a beautiful machine, very old, but beautiful.
Ryan Campbell:
My job was to take one passenger at a time flying and it was simple. But it was a very pleasurable job. And on the 28th of December 2015, I got up and went to work just like any other day, no oceans to cross no records to break. And we climbed into that airplane. I had a gentleman in the front with me and I was sitting behind him. He was also a pilot, very, very nice gentleman. And we started the airplane. You actually have to grab the propeller and spin the propeller with your hands and start it by hands. It was very old technology and we taxi to the end of the runway. We lined up on these short grass airstrip, nice and early in the morning to take off and go and look at the beach. And I pushed the power forward, the airplane performed beautifully.
Ryan Campbell:
And we lifted off the ground, the runway and the fence at the end of the runway disappeared beneath the nose, and straightaway at about 150 feet over the top of trees the engine failed. And we had a partial engine failure and within three seconds, despite everything that I could do, I don't know what I ever could have done different. We had nowhere to go and we ended up in what was a horrific plane crash. It's just not explainable how bad it was. And I was cut from the wreckage, placed into a helicopter and flown to hospital, but I was the only survivor.
Warwick Fairfax:
Oh my gosh.
Ryan Campbell:
I was taken to hospital in Brisbane. I was operated on immediately. I had shredded facial bones, fibrates and my ankle was almost removed. My right ankle was shattered and I was operated on immediately. And I was awake from the accident. And most of the ordeal blacked out from the pain and the impact for some minutes here and there. But overall, I remember every element of it. And I woke up in the recovery ward with no movement or feeling from my waist down. I was a complete paraplegic.
Warwick Fairfax:
So obviously a lot's going through your mind. I mean, you're an experienced pilot. Even at that age, you're thinking, well, obviously I'm not a pilot, but if you're a 100 feet up, the engine fails. You've got no time to think of anything or do anything and even if you could, it sounds like there was nothing you could do. Was that like well, certainly it wasn't pilot error. There's nothing I could have done.
Ryan Campbell:
It was the hardest part of this entire, especially with the outcome of the accident. The hardest part of this entire journey for me has been coming to mental grips with the outcome. What happened, why it happened, what could have been done, what was done and analyzing those number of seconds. And I know in my heart of heart that we made the best decisions on the day in that moment, flying what we were flying. It was just, if that engine had a failed 10 seconds earlier, or 20 seconds later, we would have been okay, but the devil himself pressed the button at that moment for me. And I don't know, put me in a simulator and give me that a 100 times again, I don't know what I could have done differently with all the elements that come into play when we consider an engine failure on takeoff, specially in 1930s technology.
Ryan Campbell:
And do I regret being in the airplane that day? No. Do I regret getting out of bed and not sleeping in? No. Do I regret not having a flat tire and canceling that flight? No, I don't. We made the best decisions to be there that day and I don't know what I could have done different. And that's my only way that I can come to grips with being the one who made it out as opposed to the one who didn't.
Warwick Fairfax:
So obviously it goes through that, people talk about survivor guilt and all that. Why was it me? And that's probably one thing. Not that it's fair, but we're human. I mean, logically you knew there's nothing you could have done. Yes, it's like, "Well, I could have given the engine another once over." I mean, even if you'd done that, probably it wouldn't have been that obvious without, I don't know what pulling every part of the engine apart, even then you probably couldn't have found...
Ryan Campbell:
And it was, they pulled it all apart and we don't know. And it could be anything from a mud wasp to a little bit of water. We just don't have the answers.
Warwick Fairfax:
So logically, there's nothing you could have done, but because we're emotional beings, did it take a while for you to accept the fact there was nothing he could do? Your brain said, "I did everything I could." But emotionally were you kind of beating yourself up a bit, or?
Ryan Campbell:
I will always have that element in my life. I always will. That doesn't go away with time. It gets easier with time. You know, I do not blame myself and if I did, I wouldn't be here. I couldn't live with that. I however, live with the struggle and the triggers that will always come from that PTSD, whatever you want to call it. I will have that forever. And that's been hard.
Warwick Fairfax:
And you have to go through that to fully understand that kind of trauma. So people who have gone through those sorts of experiences probably could understand better, but how did you get beyond that? Because intellectually, it sounds like you came to terms with that pretty quickly because you're a pilot, you get it, you understood there was no room for error. It was bad luck. As you said 10 seconds earlier, at 20 seconds later, it would have been radically different. But how did you find a way to bounce back from that experience and live a positive life rather than, the alternative is just to say, "Well, that adventurous free spirited Ryan Campbell is no more. I'm just going to be safe, cautious just." Not do much at all.
Gary S:
And I'm going to jump in before you answer that question, Ryan, because you told me something when we talked before we started recording the show that I think is a universal truth for anyone who's gone through a crucible. Our listeners would know well. You probably know well, Ryan being from Australia, the crucible that Warwick went through the takeover of the family media business that failed. Takeover the slipping of the company after 150 years out of the family's hands at 2.25 billion loss. Not at all the same thing as the physical trauma that you went through, but emotionally speaking, what could I have done differently? What can I learn? How do I bounce back? Those experiences are universal with crucibles. And what you told me when we talked that speaks to Warwick's question about how you got through it. You said this to me, "We find the tools in our low points to power better times." And I just wanted to kind of get that out there, that perspective out there, because I think our listeners will definitely identify with that as you answer the question, how did you do it?
Ryan Campbell:
100% and I am really big on this idea of tools and building a mindset toolbox. I'm really big on adversity being an opportunity. Adversity alone is adversity, but adversity with the right tools to utilize it is opportunity. It's simple as that. At 21 years old, I was lying in that hospital bed, going through what you're talking about Warwick, this constant reflection of what happened. Trying to get my memory back, trying to pull the pieces together, trying to work with the right teams of people around me to say, "Okay, what happened? And get answers."
Ryan Campbell:
And it was a really long process that honestly it's not as prevalent in my day to day life now almost five years on. But I'll tell you what it lasted many years. And it's been very hard and there are times where it comes back up again. When we look at that time in hospital, it was so hard in the beginning just to exist. For me I would always tell people that I was at maximum capacity. You could have walked in and told me that I'd lost a family member, or you could have chopped off my leg or from a pain and a mental point of view, physical and mental. I was at capacity. You couldn't have done anything more to me to make it any worse.
Ryan Campbell:
But we started to crawl out of that hole with the real sink or swim mentality. I remember sitting next to an Australian. I had many people from Alan Jones and all these incredible Australians that the U.S audience might not be too familiar with, but trust me when I say incredible, incredible humans spending a lot of time with me at hospital. I remember sitting across from Paul de Gelder an Australian Navy clearance diver who lost his arm and leg in a shark attack in Sydney Harbour.
Ryan Campbell:
And he looked at me and he said, "Sink or swim." Now I'd spend an hour and a half with an ex Australian Wallabies coach. I had been to every psychologist known to man and ended up telling them how they felt. You know, I can't tell you how much help I had, but those three words changed everything for me. Because when I looked at Paul, I knew that at one point in his life, he had to actually swim and he chose to swim. And if we look at this crossroad we come to when we experience adversity or change challenge or crisis in our life, we have to make a choice. It's up to us. A lot of tough love is needed. A lot of harden up is needed. We have to sit back. We have to make our own decision to sink or swim. Sinking is a very long and slippery slope to suicide.
Ryan Campbell:
And I am really blunt about that because I'm really big on young people losing their mental battle. Swimming is the journey that we take to climb back up. To climb the mountain, that it's ahead of us to get out of where we are to end up in a better place, physically and mentally. And if it's just one step at a time, that's okay. When I was in hospital, I was battling the mental aspect of the accident. What happened, why, what could have been done differently? I was battling my physical state. I had no movement from my waist down, no feeling. My bodily functions had disappeared. I had no control. I was a newborn baby in a hospital. My dignity was left at the door when they wheeled me in. And I spent the next six months in that spinal rehabilitation ward determined to not walk, but fly and walking was merely a stepping stone on the way back to flying. And that was the end of the conversation for me.
Ryan Campbell:
I was naive. And I thought honestly for that first 12 months that I was just going to get better. I mean, how naive can you be? I'd flown around the world. I was like, "I'm going to be fine." And whilst I saw progress and I released a video on this yesterday, and I talked about progress being the antidote to stress induced, or to change induce stress and how progress even just a little bit of progress everyday towards our end goal provides a purpose to the pain. So for that first 12 months, especially that first six months in hospital, I went from a complete paraplegic with no movement or feeling from the waist down. A wheelchair that was custom built for my body to a human who was walking albeit I look like I've just sunk a bottle of Tennessee whiskey, but walking.
Ryan Campbell:
And that was a very long journey of pain but with a lot of progress, I would see a twitch for muscle. A little bit of sensation come back on some area of my lower body. All of these things were happening every day. When I got to that 12 month point where my recovery started to plateau, that lack of repair, that reduced rate of repair become one of the biggest challenges of my life, because now it wasn't about "Okay, just keep doing what you're doing. You are going to be okay." It was like, "Okay, this is it. This is where I'm going to get to, this is my new normal. We're going to have to start to get used to it, learn how to maintain it. And now I'm going to have to begin to adapt in my day to day routines to make sure that I can do as much of what I did in my previous life with these new injuries."
Ryan Campbell:
And I still have a whole bunch of things wrong with me, a long list of things wrong with me. No calf muscles, no glute muscles. I have no feeling where I sit no feeling of the backs of my legs. No feeling in my feet, very little control in my feet. No ability to push. I walk around on my heels all day, every day, no bladder control, no internal bodily functions whatsoever. But I walk and I just look like I've had a bad night on the town.
Ryan Campbell:
But that journey as a whole, we talk about, I mean I speak purely on how did you get back up? How did you swim? What were all the elements of that? It all boiled down to building a toolbox. My overwhelmed state in the beginning of my time in hospital, parents, brothers, cousins, doctors, Alan Jones, incredible humans, shark attacks survivors. They were all giving me advice. Advice on how to climb the mountain ahead of me. But it was too much. I had to take that crazy amount of advice. I had to take my overwhelmed state of mind and I had to somehow turn it into clarity. And that's where the mindset toolbox was born. My simple way, born in hospital to take the moments I was experiencing, moments that were easily forgettable to turn those moments into tools, tools that I could use to navigate change challenge, crisis, and adversity, and place them in my mindset tool box. Basically an unforgettable drawer that I have access to 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The tools that I was going to use to climb the mountain.
Warwick Fairfax:
Wow. I mean, that's just an amazing journey, amazing story. Just for the listeners, Alan Jones, former coach of the Wallabies, that's Australia's national rugby team kind of a big deal, certainly in Sydney and in Queensland where rugby is pretty prevalent. But you mentioned early on that former diver said "Sink or swim," and it feels like that was a binary choice. It wasn't just plateau or lead a quiet life. It was sink might've been depression, suicide. I mean, who knows what sink would have been? I mean, it's scary to even contemplate. So it was like either swim or improve or the alternative is very dark and almost unthinkable. I mean that's, I think a lot of listeners wouldn't think about it that way, that sink or swim, you either rise or you fall into oblivion. I mean, it was that clear back then in the depths.
Ryan Campbell:
It was. Yeah. And I think it has to be that clear. And when I first started the two year process of planning around the world flight, I had a team of five people, no one else knew about it. Not even my extended family. I had a flying instructor who sat down with me, the very man who taught me to fly Big Al. And he said to me, "You're going to do this or not?" And I said, "Well, I don't know. One day I think I should, the next day, I don't know whether I should. And I just don't know." And he said, "Look, zoom out and have a look at the big picture. Where you are in life, what you are trying to achieve, how bad you want to do it. And then we're going to make a yes or no decision on whether you even attempt this round the world flight. If you make a yes decision, you are going to work unbelievably hard every single day until you get to the point where it is either A, is success or B, an absolute failure that you just can't bring back. Or you're going to say no, walk away and never look at it again."
Ryan Campbell:
That yes or no decision is binary as is the sink or swim decision. And I think we have to be clear in order to move forward and combat the mental, life is won and lost just above the shoulders. That's my deal. Right?
Warwick Fairfax:
Right.
Ryan Campbell:
We have to be binary otherwise we just get buried.
Warwick Fairfax:
So almost what I'm hearing you say is that two year preparation for the round the world flight, are we going to do it, are we going to not? It almost, in some sense, prepared you for that next round the world journey in a sense that next epic but tragic adventure, which was getting back from that horrific accident. You look back and say, "That kind of helped prepare me in some strange way?"
Ryan Campbell:
Without a doubt, a 100%, but yes, a 100%. What I also say is that at 21, I was lying in a hospital bed and I had experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. So highs higher than most people would ever experience, but lows lower than most people would ever experience. And it took a while for me to see it this way. But I started to view it as an opportunity. I'd been given an opportunity to compare. We have mountain climbers, as keynote speakers, we have people out there who have done incredible things. We have people out there who have suffered diversity kind of adversity stories. We have those people as well. We don't have a lot of people who've experienced both, especially by that age.
Ryan Campbell:
So what I was given was an opportunity to compare the highs and the lows and ask myself, where do we truly learn? Where do we grow? What makes me, me? And it was 150%. Yes, I did pull things from the round the world flight. Yes, it prepared me for what was to come, but I'd truly become Ryan, the person I am today through the adversity and the hard times in my life for sure.
Warwick Fairfax:
And that sort of amazing thought of nobody wants adversity, but there are some lessons who we are after a crucible is never the same as who we were before. So I want to hear about the toolbox that you've created, but yeah, talk a bit more about how there's some. It's going to sound very strange, but I don't want to say there's beauty in adversity, but there's certainly a lot of lessons in adversity that can, I don't know, maybe make us a better version, a more refined version of ourselves. I mean, what's your experience with that?
Ryan Campbell:
I remember feeling so unbelievably sorry for myself, which is what we all do as a reaction to negative change, or adversity or crisis. And I was feeling down and I was in hospital with a whole bunch of reasons that probably allowed me to feel a little down at this point. And I remember that every day that would hoist me off the bed in hospital. So they put a sling under me. It was a very non flattering kind of experience. And they'd lift me off the bed and they'd let me hang above that mattress until my body hurts so much that they'd just put me back down and let me rest. Every day we get hang for a little bit longer. And then they originally put me out of that bed into a wheelchair. And they took me to the rehabilitation gym.
Ryan Campbell:
That first trip to the rehabilitation gym changed my life. The gym was a place where quadriplegics and paraplegics were doing all they could to bring their bodies back to life and obtain what I call our maximum potential, which is a really important word in what I speak about now. So I was taken to this rehabilitation gym and I was placed down on a low lying mat, slung onto this mat. They told me my first challenge for the day was learning to roll over. Now, it was a whole lot harder the second time than it was the first time. But I remember loving a challenge and thinking, all right, like how can I go from my back to my stomach? Yeah, nothing works from the waist down, but I can do this. So I concocted a plan in my head, and I thought, if I could just lift one of my chunky up and lie it over the other leg and I could then lean over and grab the side of this bed and pull with my arms, I'm going to kind of untwist.
Ryan Campbell:
And I'll be not only lying on my stomach, but I'll be victorious in this first challenge. I remember doing that, twisting my legs and then grabbing the side of that bed and pulling. And as I pulled the fire breaks in my back and all the new titanium metalware that I have just screamed in pain. So I stopped on my side and my right arm was twisted, all kinds of trying to balance. I stopped just to let the pain subside. And I remember looking through a hole created by my elbow and what I saw through that hole at a point where I was really down in life, changed everything. What I saw was a guy called Ben. He was a young guy in his early 30s, sitting in a really big wheelchair. He'd slipped over, hit his head whilst mopping his girlfriend's floor.
Ryan Campbell:
He'd broken his neck, had no movement or feeling from his chest down and very little feeling in his arms or his hands. He was a quadriplegic. And I remember looking up at Ben and seeing Ben stare back at me. I was feeling sorry for myself at this point, really, really bad place in life. The way Ben looked at me, I realized what he would have given for one chance at learning to rollover. And at that point to say that I felt like the worst human on the face of the planet would be an absolute understatement. And I remember being put back into the wheelchair and taken back to my ward and put back in bed. And I remember my body resting and my mind moving at a million miles an hour. I knew at that point that I needed to remember the way that I felt when I looked at Ben, because it was that feeling, whatever it was. And I couldn't explain it at the time. It was that feeling that was going to allow me to get through the hard days. And there were plenty of hard days on the horizon.
Ryan Campbell:
So I decided to come up with a concept, which is the mindset toolbox to take those moments and place them somewhere where I won't forget them. So my concept is so simple, very, very simple. It's that we're all born with an empty toolbox. It's really big. It has wheels, lots of drawers. We'd take it with us wherever we go in life. When we get it in the beginning and when we're born, it's empty. Our job in life is to fill that toolbox with tools that we can use to work through the challenges that we will all no doubt face. Adversity is simply a byproduct of breathing. So we'd fill that toolbox with tools, tools that we can use to navigate change, challenge, crisis, and adversity.
Ryan Campbell:
It is our goal to learn how to find tools, how to use them and how to keep them sharp. Throughout that six months in hospital, the year and a half in rehab, the four and a half years up until this interview, I continue to find tools every day and place them in that toolbox. And I have a really big overflowing toolbox. And it's my way to not forget the moments that I need to navigate my life. It's my way to provide a tangible kind of learning experience in developing your mindset. And that's what this is. Life is won and lost above the shoulders. We have to go out and better ourselves. We have to go out and learn. We have all the information in the world at our fingertips. We have to understand that we have to build resiliency ways of thinking into our day to day life as an individual or an organization so that we can tackle how crucible moments, our tough days. Our tough years our 2020s.
Ryan Campbell:
We have to be wired that way. My mindset toolbox not only saved me, but it's now how I encourage others to think of their own mental health and resilience.
Warwick Fairfax:
I want to hear a little bit about this mindset toolbox. But I want to go back for one second. Here you are, trying to roll over, which for most of us is a pretty easy thing to do. It's like you just roll over. But for you at that point, you might've said climb Mount Everest. I mean, it was pretty difficult, but then as you were going over and bad things were happening and you looked at Ben. What was it about Ben's look that almost was a not a mini crucible, but some, an inflection point in your recovery, there was something about Ben's look, that kind of bore a hole through your soul almost.
Ryan Campbell:
He was just a big boy sitting in that wheelchair and he had elastic bands around his wrist and he was moving his wrist in and out, maybe an inch or two at a time. And that was his exercise for the day. And knowing quadriplegia quite well by that point, just being in a spinal cord injury ward and learning about a spinal cord injury and what it does to your body, I knew what state Ben was in. And I knew the very slim chance of him ever getting back to a point where I even was at that point at the beginning of my recovery. It was just the loss in his eyes and we went on to talk a lot throughout the next six months in rehab and learn more about each other and the struggles that we were both going through. And when I unpacked that moment with Ben into that mindset toolbox, at the surface level, I obviously learned perspective.
Ryan Campbell:
I was like "Oh, I'm actually quite lucky really at the surface level." But by unpacking that story into my mindset toolbox, that was a process that allowed me to pull so much more out of that moment than what I found at first glance. And that's the power of the toolbox. I learned so many things from gratitude through to not accepting what I had and my ability as opposed to focusing on what I'd lost. All of these different lessons from Ben, they all boiled down to one thing. I was lucky to be a paraplegic. I was 21 years old. I had just survived a plane crash. I had just turned 21. I'd been in hospital for not an entirely long amount of time and I could look at you and tell you that I was lucky to be a paraplegic. I could look at you and tell you that this challenge was not physical, it was mental. Without Ben's injection of gratitude that day, without the concept of the mindset toolbox, I would not. And I just would not be where I am today. I just wouldn't.
Warwick Fairfax:
That's amazing. And that's really one of the key elements of your toolbox, gratitude, confidence, resiliency. Obviously you can connect the dots now in hindsight, that sense of gratitude that I'm glad I'm not where Ben is. Ben would give as you said anything he could to be where Ryan was. So talk about how you use this toolbox to inspire others, both others who've been through physical challenges. They could be mental, physical, financial, abuse. I mean, there's all sorts of challenges in the world. So talk about how this can help, not just crash survivors or paraplegics, but just people in general. What about this toolbox can really help people?
Ryan Campbell:
I encourage anyone who has a pulse to build their own mindset toolbox because it doesn't matter where we live, the color of your skin, your background, religion, beliefs, geographical. It just doesn't matter. If you are breathing right now, you will have experienced adversity in your life and you will experience it more again, byproduct of breathing. So adversity is a common thread amongst every human on the planet. I encourage everyone to pull together their own mindset toolbox, to take the moments in their life and convert them to tools, to build resiliency and confidence in their ability to overcome. I did find however as I filled this mindset toolbox that even in a time of crisis a really rough moment, even with a full toolbox, it's hard to reach back into that toolbox and pull out exactly the right tool you need to overcome that challenge. Whether it's an engine failure in that split second moment. Whether you've just been furloughed, whether you've just found out that someone's been lost within a family or any form of adversity, big or small, we are so overwhelmed when it first strikes.
Ryan Campbell:
I wanted to create a checklist that we could run through very quickly and very simply, whenever that moment strikes. Now, I use my three favorite tools and most used tools out of my mindset toolbox to create that checklist. People often ask why a checklist? Well, why did you do that? Well as a pilot, when something goes wrong in an airplane, when a red light flashes or a warning buzzer sound, we don't just start pressing random buttons and pulling random levers despite what Hollywood may tell you, we use a checklist, right? We go through a checklist of predetermined potential problems. We work through the checklist items and we hopefully end at what is a solution to the problem.
Ryan Campbell:
So I created a checklist, not for aviation, but for life, a simple three step checklist that will not solve all your problems. If I knew the checklist to solve all of the problems in the world, I wouldn't be talking to you. I'd be on my yacht in the Caribbean drinking some form of alcohol, but this is a checklist that places you in a more change and challenge, ready mindset. It is so simple. It's gratitude, confidence, and resilience. And we can either go through that or we don't have to with timing, but that three step checklist is a very quick, easy way to talk about my tools.
Warwick Fairfax:
I'm just curious at least in summary, why those three, right?
Ryan Campbell:
They were my three favorite tools, Warwick, it's as simple as that. Everything I'd been through, everything I had when I built that mindset toolbox, I didn't just feel it from that day on. I went back to the round the world flight, and I unpack stories, stories that we share in keynotes around America and around the world. We took stories that I had put in my past folder. We pulled them out and we unpacked them. And I learned more and more from the experiences I'd already been through. So these three tools in this checklist are simply my most used most transformational tools that have changed my life.
Ryan Campbell:
And not only do I want other people to potentially implement my three step checklist, but I want you to understand the power of a checklist culture and start to create your own. Grab your own mindset, toolbox, go through the same process, fill it. Look at your top tools that you use every day. Look at the challenges you face, start to put together a little checklist that you can implement when times are tough, because this year's a tough year and we all need the mental resiliency to kind of bounce back.
Warwick Fairfax:
And I find that fascinating because you're saying by all means, use gratitude, confidence, resilience, but you're saying make sure that it works for you to develop your own, which is sort of a different approach. You could say, these are the three steps, guarantee it'll work for everybody, but you're saying it might work for a bunch, but here's what I've done just so that you can get an idea what it looks like, but create your own. That's a different approach. That's almost feels empowering to people rather than saying you got to use this or else.
Ryan Campbell:
No, we don't want the cookie cutter approach. It just doesn't work in life. It just doesn't. You know what, we're not the same. We're all different. I remember having a lady say to me after a keynote, "Oh the checklists won't work." She said, "A list don't work for me." She said, "I'll write a list. I navigate through that list. And I know a lot of people like that." And my pilot brain thinks why. It is the best thing in the world, but this didn't work for this lady. So I told her, we worked together and I said, "Let's take one, step back. A checklist is a systematic approach, an implementable way that we can just apply whatever it is over and over again. Let's create your systematic approach. So what do you enjoy? It could be a walk on the beach. Every time you struggle, or you have a rough day, take your shoes off, get your feet in the sand and go for a stroll. Watch the sunset. It could be anything, it could be the gym. It could be, it doesn't matter. We have to find our own little solutions to those moments of struggle and change. Every time we go through crucibles or every time we go through adversity or have a rough day, we've got to have tools in that toolbox that we can apply."
Gary S:
That is- I'm sorry Warwick, go ahead. I'm sorry.
Warwick Fairfax:
I was going to say, as we kind of wrap up one of the maybe last question I have is how does life look for Ryan Campbell now? These several years later, you've been through a lot. You're doing a lot of amazing things. How would you describe to people what's Ryan Campbell's life like now?
Ryan Campbell:
Ryan Campbell lives conveniently close to the Jack Daniels distillery in Tennessee. That's very, no it's, I a lot of people wonder how my life went after the accident. I went back to walking and as I said I do walk very, but a lot of things still wrong with me. I found my way back into the air flying airplanes with modified brake systems. But then I went as an incomplete paraplegic. I learned to fly a helicopter from scratch and now I have a commercial helicopter license. My goal was to fly helicopters full time. I was flying a helicopter one day. I had a rock in my shoe. I can't feel my feet and that rock ate into my foot.
Ryan Campbell:
So I ended up back in the hospital, but in my wheelchair for two months. That was my moment where I went, "Okay, we have to do more with these stories. We have to go out and help others who have been through similar things to me." I sold everything except a little airplane that got me back into the sky named Doug and Doug and I moved to Tennessee. And I now live in the U.S as a professional keynote speaker, working with organizations from school groups to fortune 500s delivering sessions from eight minutes to 90 minutes on navigating change, overcoming adversity and using our challenges in life to build a better future. And it is my passion. It's my drive. And I just find it unbelievably rewarding. So it's a pleasure to help others learn, and it's a pleasure to learn along the way.
Gary S:
That is an excellent segue to our, and I always say this as Warwick pointed out before we started recording, I always say this on every show. It's time to land the plane, but this really makes sense talking to you, Ryan. We've come to the point in the show where it's time to land the plane. But one thing I'd be remiss if I did not, based on what you just said for sure. And everything that we've talked about. If I didn't give you the chance to let people know how to find you and how to find your services online and elsewhere.
Ryan Campbell:
Absolutely. So we would love to help anyone and everyone and 2020's rough, and we do a multi-camera virtual keynote we've delivered this week to all sorts of large companies. You can find our details on all social media at Ryan Campbell Speaking, or you can find me and contact our team directly at ryancampbell.co it's not .com. I cannot afford the M yet www.ryancampbell.co. So reach out to us. We'd love to chat. We'd love to help,
Gary S:
Before I close, we have with every guest that we have on the show, we have a little form that we ask people to fill out. And sometimes the answers are really interesting and sometimes they're less interesting. And you gave an answer, I got to know what the answer to this question that you asked, we have on our form is if there's only one question we could ask you, what would you want it to be? And this is what you said, we should ask you. So I'm going to ask you this and see what the answer is. You said, we should ask you, what is the most unique purchase you've ever made?
Ryan Campbell:
Gary, when I moved to America, I got in the car and I drove to Graceland in Memphis to Elvis's place. I went into the gift shop and I bought a model pink Cadillac. It was always my dream to own a pink Cadillac. And I spent about $30 and I bought this small model pink Cadillac that sits by my television. Four months later, the opportunity arose to buy a real pink Cadillac. So I now own a two and a half ton, 1960 pink Cadillac with white leather interior that we drive to Kroger. We drive it to the movie theater. We take it everywhere. We just, I've never seen a machine in my life that brings so many smiles as what flow pink Cadillac does it, it led to a whole segment that we do, called what's your pink Cadillac? What's the one thing you buy? It's absolutely ridiculous. It just makes you feel like a kid and absolutely illogical. But my favorite ridiculous purchase in my life has been a genuine Elvis, 1960 pink Cadillac.
Gary S:
Wow. That beats mine, mine is a seven foot tall Superman action figure in my office, so.
Ryan Campbell:
That is insane.
Gary S:
Thank you for being with us. And as we do when we end listener, there's much great content here, but three things, sort of takeaways that you can take with you as you go from our conversation with Ryan. One, and he just started talking about that from the outset when he was six years old. And that is pay attention to your passions at a young age. Not everyone who dreams of being a firefighter or a nurse as a child ends up doing so, but they can. Ryan's story is a testament to the truth that the passion of your childhood can be the vision of your adulthood. If you love it, you can learn it and you can live it at any age. Like Ryan did, a great help to making that happen is to find support and to seek mentors and then go for it.
Gary S:
The second takeaway, I think is that we find the tools in our low points to power better times. That's something Ryan's said in a conversation we had before this episode. Crucibles are painful emotionally, financially, sometimes like Ryan's, physically. And there comes a time as a friend of Ryan's told him after his plane crash, that we have to decide to sink or swim. So start swimming one stroke at a time, you will get to a better destination than sinking.
Gary S:
And the third point that we've spent a really good dialogue here at the end talking about, is build a toolbox to help you as you go through your crucible. And fill it with the thoughts and practices that will help you navigate the steps you need to take to move beyond that crucible. Focus on filling that tool box with items that build your gratitude, your confidence, and your resilience.
Gary S:
Ryan says that life is won and lost above the shoulders. We would only add from Crucible Leadership to that by saying that crucibles are overcome and a life of significance is launched above the shoulders. So until next time we're together, listeners, thank you for spending time with us in this episode of Beyond the Crucible. And please remember as Ryan's beautiful story makes it very clear that your crucible experiences can be painful in a lot of ways, emotionally, financially, to your dreams, to your body. They can be very painful, but they are not the end of your story. Ryan's crucible was not the end of his story. Your crucibles can in fact, be the beginning of a new chapter in your story as they have been for Ryan. And that chapter can be, as it has been for Ryan, the best chapter of all, because what it leads to the path that puts you on is toward a life of significance.
In 8th grade, after dreaming for years of competing in the finals of the National Spelling Bee, Adom Appiah got knocked out of the competition early. Instead of wallowing in the disappointment of that crucible, though, he turned his attention to consoling the other kids who had also fallen short. That’s just one example of how this 16-year-old — author of two books and founder of the fundraising nonprofit Ball4Good — is living a life of significance and already focused on building a legacy of service to others.
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Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome everyone to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. I'm Gary Schneeberger, the cohost of the show and you have clicked on play. We hope that you've subscribed to a podcast that deals in crucible experiences. Those experiences, crucible experiences, you probably know them a little bit too well. They're setbacks, failures, traumas, tragedies, things that don't always go right in your life that can knock the wind out of your sails. It can feel like it changes the trajectory of your lives.
Gary S:
And we talk about those things here on Beyond the Crucible, not so we can wallow in them, not so we can just share war stories about them, but we talk about them so that we can identify those things that we might learn from them and use those in moving, as the title of the show says, beyond those crucibles. And here with me to explore that is the founder of Crucible Leadership and the host of the show. And as I have taken to call him in the last few episodes, the Lego master of Crucible Leadership, Warwick Fairfax. Warwick, we have truly a remarkable guest and a remarkable show today.
Warwick F:
Absolutely. I couldn't agree more. I'm very much looking forward to it.
Gary S:
And the reason that it is remarkable, listener, I always read the biography of the guests before we start, but zero in on this one, and I'll tell you when I'm done just one of the reasons as if what's written here isn't remarkable enough, but there's lots of remarkable aspects to this guest story. This guest is Adom Appiah, who is a student, author and founder of Ball4Good, a nonprofit that supports communities through sports. A two-time National Spelling Bee competitor, Adom's books have received high reviews from teachers and community leaders.
Gary S:
He is the 2019 South Carolina high school honoree for the Prudential Spirit of Community Awards, and a recipient of the Gloria Barron Prize for Young Heroes. In 2018, he received the Presidential Volunteer Service Award and the Mary L. Thomas Award for Civic Leadership and Community Change. He was appointed to the Points of Light Youth Council in February 2020, and is also a board member of the Boys and Girls Clubs of the Upstate. He's the recipient of the 2020 William R. Sims Award for Outstanding Youth in Philanthropy. A Roc Nation honoree, Adom has been featured in local state and national media.
Gary S:
He is the host of Kids Changing the World, a biweekly show highlighting youth in business or volunteerism. I love this next part, Adom, I love how this next sentence begins. In his free time, having read all that, I'm wondering, where is Adom's free time? But in his free time, he enjoys producing music, reading and playing video games. Wow. Warwick, that is quite a list of accomplishments, and this young man is indeed a young man, 16 years old and a high school junior, just both amazing and inspiring.
Warwick F:
Wow, well, Adom, thanks so much for being here. What you've done and who you are, it's almost overwhelming. My kids are a bit older, they're in their 20s, but my gosh, what you've done at 16, the two books you've written; Bouncing Back from Failure, Kids Can Change the World, I love both of them, but Kids Can Change the World, what a vision, and what you're doing with Ball4Good, it's mind blowing really. So thank you so much for being here. So before we get a bit into your crucible and bounce back and what you do for Ball4Good, tell us a bit about yourself.
Warwick F:
I think you live in South Carolina, Spartanburg, I believe, just tell us a bit about yourself, your family, growing up, just who is Adom? Give the listeners a bit of an idea of that.
Adom A:
Thank you. A little bit about myself, I'm 16 years old, a high school junior, and I really just enjoy helping others. And just a part of me has been just working with my family to help other people. Ever since I was young, we've just had this mentality of giving back to our community and making sure that others are fortunate and others are able to thrive and prosper. And so through my experiences growing up, that's just become a part of who I am. It's been ingrained in me to always give back. And so beyond my books, beyond the things that I have accomplished, I'm really just someone who loves to help others.
Warwick F:
Where did that come from? I mean, sometimes, it's a mom or a dad, a cousin, an uncle, a grandparent, a teacher. Where did that, just this mission to serve others, where did that come from?
Adom A:
I really think it's a family thing because it was ingrained in my mom, ingrained in my dad, and they just passed that down to me ever since a young age. Ever since I was able to walk, we've been able to walk for certain causes or give money or food or whatever we're able to do in that time to help others who don't have the same things that we have, and we're able to provide them with that opportunity or that health. And they're just focused on giving back and helping others.
Warwick F:
Wow. Some of your early memories, can you think of a particular example of where your mom or dad or just some family member was doing something you thought, "Boy, this is amazing." Give us an example of what was modeled for you, the kind of activities and behavior.
Adom A:
Well, I know that when I was very young, we went on walks for a kidney disease, we went on homelessness walks, and getting into the nonprofit world was just through osmosis really because mom was in the nonprofit world and she inspired so many people with her work, gathered people that are local libraries and different places to teach things like coding or reading to youth. And so being in that environment just had me in this nonprofit and giving back mindset from such a young age, I just grew up like that.
Warwick F:
So what did some of your buddies think because not everybody grows up in a family like that? They might just want to hang out, play, I don't know, school, whatever it is, what does some of your buddies think of your family and just that mindset of just wanting to help everybody? not everybody grows up in that kind of family.
Adom A:
Sure. I'm definitely blessed to have the family that I have with my friends. I know that there's a mutual respect there. We don't always have the same families or the same things that we participate in, but we always find a balance and they've helped me out with some volunteer work and I've had some fun with them playing some video games or whatever that might entails. So it's just a mutual understanding and we understand how our families operate and how to work together.
Warwick F:
That's amazing. One of the things you said is from an early age, you just had this desire, this passion to be in the spelling bee competition. Talk about, why the spelling bee? Some people want to do... not everybody wants to go in the spelling bee competition.
Adom A:
Sure. Yes. The spelling bee was something that I watched ever since maybe third grade, because as soon as I entered real school beyond kindergarten, I used to love the spelling bee and seen it performed in my school, because in my school there was a third grade spelling bee and that was the pinnacle of spelling. And so ever since the first grade, I saw those people and I wanted to be that champion that they announced every year. And in the second grade, I started going through class bees.
Adom A:
And then in third grade, we actually had our class competition based to determine who would go into the third grade spelling bee. And I had people talk to me about how it's not common for boys to spell, it's not common for people who like a certain way to spell. And so that was discouraging for me, but then my third grade teacher encouraged me to watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee and see the number of people represented in that bee. And it's just such a diverse group and a bunch of people just having this great time contributing themselves to words and understanding the dictionary. And I fell in love with it. I was inspired.
Adom A:
And so I ended up winning the third grade bee, and after that, I was just hungry for more spelling, but my school didn't have the opportunity to enroll in the national spelling bee until sixth grade. So that's when I started going back to spelling, reviewing the packets that my teachers would give me. And I was fortunate enough to go to the regional bee in sixth grade, even though I didn't win my school bee because I got second place. And our winner was gracious enough to give me the place to go to the regional bee because she had a conference that day.
Adom A:
And so going to that regional bee was just a great experience for me, I got way further than I would have ever expected. My parents helped me study, but I had no prior experience with it. I was able to get third place in that bee as a sixth grader, which was just wonderful to me and I was so thrilled and so shocked, but that also encouraged me to work harder the next year, given that I had seen what the layout was like. And so I knew how I had to study, I knew how I had to prepare. I was able to win my school bee the next year, and won the regional bee and progressed to the national bee.
Adom A:
And in that national experience, I got to meet so many people who were like-minded, who loved spelling, who just loved learning altogether, and I still have those connections to this day. And I was able to go again in my eighth grade year, and it was just a wonderful experience, learning about the spelling bee and going full circle and eventually making it there.
Warwick F:
But I think from what I understand, there was a competition in which you were trying to get in the semifinals and didn't make it, which grade was that?
Adom A:
That was eighth grade.
Warwick F:
That was eighth grade. So talk about that because from what I think you've said is, that was a tough thing to go through, a tough blow not making it. So talk about what happened and why it was tough and that whole experience.
Adom A:
Yes, sir. Going into the eighth grade spelling bee, there was an expectation because as I mentioned before, I realized that as I got to go and experience the regional bee, I was able to progress beyond that. So I was thinking that in seventh grade, as I went to experience the national bee, I'd be able to progress further than I had the last year. And that ended up not being the case. So that was very disappointing to me because of how much I had poured my heart into learning to spell and learning to make my way around the dictionary, learn the roots of words, just learn the ins and outs of the bee.
Adom A:
And so it was disappointing to me and disheartening when I got my word wrong and wasn't able to progress to the next round that everybody sees on TV. So it was upsetting to me, but in that very moment, I put it to the side and just decided that other people were going to feel down, other people are going to feel sad, and so I was going to uplift those people. And as they got off the stage, I decided to comfort them and encourage them and put my own struggling and disheartenment to the side. And eventually, at the end of that night, I went back to my room and I was thoroughly upset that I hadn't fulfilled the experience that I had dreamed of.
Adom A:
And so I began to write when I got home and I just started to reflect and started to understand how far I'd come and how much it had meant to me and what this failure had ultimately become. And that really just evolved, those words that I was writing evolved into Bouncing Back from Failure, my second book.
Warwick F:
What's remarkable about that is sometimes you go to a gut-wrenching experience you've wanted your whole life and you don't make it. And in that moment, you might be angry, sad, depressed, very few people in that moment have enough self-awareness or enough altruism in a sense to be thinking of other people. I mean, like people 10, 20, 30, 40-years older than you, wouldn't behave the way you did, wouldn't have the maturity you did. And how old were you back then?
Adom A:
14, I believe.
Warwick F:
Right. I don't know too many 14-year-olds let alone 40-year-olds would have that level of maturity.
Gary S:
I'm 55, it's hard for me to get there.
Warwick F:
Yeah. It's sort of unheard of, so what led you in that moment, the first thought being, "I need to care for the other folks here who haven't made it too. I need to comfort them." What led you to do that because that's off the charts remarkable?
Adom A:
I just try to apply the golden rule, treat others how you want to be treated. And I knew that in that specific moment, I was feeling down, I was feeling bad, but I decided to not let it just weigh me down and let me sit in the corner. And so I decided that other people are going to be feeling the same way and they might need someone to look out for them, someone other than their parents to console them, lift them up as a peer and look at them and just say that, "It's going to be all right and you're going to be able to grow beyond this experience."
Adom A:
And I was able to console some kids who had further years ahead of them. And I saw them go through and years following, the year that I got out and be even more successful than they were before. So I just thought that it was going to be really important for me to reach to those kids who were feeling down because I knew how they felt in that position.
Warwick F:
Wow. Well, not to repeat myself, it still blows me away. I just can't believe it. I don't know pretty much anybody that would react as maturely and honorably, really lifting up other people.
Gary S:
And that is, if I can, that is a unique experience, but your experience of having that eighth grade failure of not achieving the goal that you were after is surprisingly not unique. We've talked to many people on this show, Adom, one of them is a successful Hollywood writer, director, producer, actor, the whole thing. He just signed a two-year deal with Netflix. This guy's career is going well, we had him on this show. We thought his biggest crucible was going to be that his wife was pregnant with triplets and there were some complications and they almost lost the baby.
Gary S:
So we thought that's what he was going to talk about, but instead, the first thing he brought up was in eighth grade, he did not make the basketball team and all of his buddies did. And here's a guy, he's in his late 40s, early 50s, and he still remembers that moment as a pivotal moment in his life where he had to learn how to bounce back from failure as you had to learn at your age. So listeners, as you hear Adom talk about his experience and say, "Okay, he was in eighth grade, which was only three grades ago. He's going to have a lot of more."
Gary S:
I'm pretty sure that moment's going to stick in his heart because of the way that he prepared for it, and the same way that it did for the guests I was talking about, Robert Krantz, the filmmaker. It is okay, it is common for experiences when we're young to carry forth as crucibles. The beautiful thing about what Adom has described, is he moved beyond that. And the way that he moved beyond that, first and foremost, the first step was to help others.
Warwick F:
So well said. That is exactly right. So Adom, as you're back in your hotel room and like all of us, you're human, you're starting to just feel sad, were you down about yourself? All sorts of thoughts could have gone through your mind, "If my school had a spelling bee from third through eighth, maybe I would have been better prepared." Did you start feeling angry at yourself or bit down on others or what was going through your mind as you're in your hotel room, just reflecting on all of that?
Adom A:
I'm a kind of laid back person and a reserved person. So I didn't really express anything, but going through my mind, it was like reflecting on what I could have done better, what I could have understood or what I could have gone back and done. And then with a couple of days passing, I just came to the conclusion that I can't go back, I can't change that. There's not going to be another opportunity for me to approach the spelling bee, but there are going to be other opportunities for me to do other things in my future. And so I just took that into consideration, that's what helped me get out from that point of feeling down and feeling sorry.
Warwick F:
Again, I'm just blown away by that.
Gary S:
I am too.
Warwick F:
I don't know anybody of any age that so quickly would say, "Well, that was awful. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have missed that one or maybe... " I don't know, if there'd be more spelling bees over the years, but just to say, "Well, past is the past, I can't change that, let's move on." Easy to say, but I don't know too many people that would have done what you did. That's, again, that's an unbelievable maturity. Yeah, it boggles the mind really. So that's incredible. You have a lot to teach people, I can tell you, of anybody of any age. So that's amazing. I'm going to to keep repeating myself. It's like, "Wow." I don't even know how many times I got to say wow.
Gary S:
This would be a good time, Adom, to tell you something. When I talked to your mom, okay, I've got notes here from talking to your mom. And she told me a lot of the things that you've told us here, and you've told the listeners here. And at one point, I had a similar reaction to what Warwick has been saying, "Oh my goodness, wow, it's incredible what this young man, the maturity he has shown and the care for others he has shown." And I said to her, "You must be so incredibly proud of your son?"
Gary S:
And this is a direct quote written right here on my page. She said, "I am absolutely proud," then she laughed, and she said, "But he probably doesn't care." Spoken like a mom of an exceptional child.
Warwick F:
Yeah. Well said. So I want to move on to maybe another defining moment, so talk about... Ball4Good came out of a project in school, but there was another project from what I understand working on like a computer project for high school seniors, and you were part way through it and decided to shift gears. So talk about what the project was and why you decided to shift gears halfway through?
Adom A:
Yes. So my first project that I was going to take on that I never quite took action on was going to help our neighboring and possibly even more senior living facilities, help them with their technology and understanding the things that they have around them such as laptops or iPads, just getting to work with them and getting to understand that. And I thought that that was a great cause, and I see some people doing that today and in the past, but I just thought that it wasn't something that could fully get behind. So as I was going through the process of outlining what I would do for this project, I just lost interest and decided that I would shift gears and rethink what I was doing and start with a passion.
Adom A:
And looking back, I'm so glad that I did, because this was able to grow to something beyond what I ever imagined just because I was starting with the passion of sports.
Warwick F:
But talk about just what happened. You had a conversation with your teacher, and it's the way you kind of changed gears. But basically I was going to say, "It's going to cost you. It's going to cost you a lot." So talk about that conversation. What did your teacher say and what was the cost that you had to agree to if you wanted to move forward?
Adom A:
So with that first project, we had already done a pitch, we had already done everything for the project grade. And so that's what I had earned, I had earned a pretty good grade on that project without actually starting it because we had pitched it because we had done those initial steps. And going back and erasing what I had done and moving forward with something new, I will lose those initial points. So I had lost the points from the project that I had earned and I had to regain them through Ball4Good.
Adom A:
So that was another way of encouraging me to keep on my toes and update my teacher, making sure that everything was in line because I had to make up for something, because I had to make up for lost ground.
Warwick F:
That was probably weeks, maybe months of work that you lost, right? I mean, you went from a good grade to zero?
Adom A:
Yes sir. In a sense.
Warwick F:
Zero points. It's almost like being in a, I don't know, 800 meters and you're 600 meters through an 800 meter race, and was like, "Okay, you're going to have to go back to the starting blocks again." It's like, "Seriously, really?" That basically is what happened, which is incredible. Now, what led you to make a shift that not too many other kids your age would have made? It's like, "Well, I'm going to lose all those points. I'm going to have to do all this work again. I'm going to have to go it double time, triple time." What led you to be so convinced that you wanted to make that shift?" Because the cost was very high.
Adom A:
Now, in discussions with people around me and my parents, family members, I just realized that if I was going to do something and I wanted to do it to the best of my ability, I wanted to have something that I was passionate about, that I can invest in. And so, I decided to reboot when I figured out that I wasn't feeling this project the same way that I thought I would. And so that took me back to square one, took me back to the brainstorming stage. And this time I took it with more care and more understanding of what I was looking for rather than just looking for a grade. And looking back, I'm so glad that I did.
Warwick F:
It's funny, it's not like providing technology to senior living places is such a bad idea. It's a pretty noble cause it's not like, "Oh, well, who cares?" That's noble, that's a wonderful thing to do. But talk about why Ball4Good, the concept of it really appealed to you and just fired you up, really? What about it made you say, "I got to do this?"
Adom A:
With, the concept of Ball4Good, I've always seen sports as a unifying measure. People have always been unified or divided about their sports teams, but overall, the sport itself brings people together. And so I thought that through my passion that I had for sports, specifically basketball at the time, I could bring a whole community together, even if it was a small community gathering. And it ended up being a much larger gathering than I would have ever imagined packing out the gym, but I just thought that I could bring people together and have a way to raise money with a joy behind it and have a community behind it, and just have this overall fun spirit going with the project.
Warwick F:
That's a remarkable vision, from what I hear you say, raise money through sports, but by bringing people together, by unifying them and letting them have fun. I mean, that concept of bringing people together. Obviously, the world is a pretty divided place in so many ways. When it's easy just to give up and say, "Well... " I mean, people a lot older than you just tend to be cynical, and, "What's the point? Nothing will change." Everybody's entrenched in their corners," and what have you. But yet you had a different spirit, you had more of an optimistic, so where's that come from? Because I don't sense that you're cynical, I sense to you're somebody filled with hope, right?
Adom A:
Yes sir.
Warwick F:
I think you're probably realistic, you're not in denial about the challenges of our world, but yet there must be a sense of optimism that fueled Ball4Good. Where's that sense of optimism come from?
Adom A:
I try to remain realistic in everything that I do. And I have a realistic vision of, what are the capabilities of this, what's the possibilities of this? And with Ball4Good, that kind of optimism and happy spirit really came with the idea that I would be helping somebody. If it wasn't a huge impact, I'd be helping somebody. It's not that it had to be something so magnificent, something that I would get so many awards or have a certain dollar amount, I just knew that somebody was going to benefit from this project. And even if it wasn't somebody that I would ever know of, they would benefit, and that just gave me hope, that just gave me drive, and it still does to this day.
Warwick F:
I think listeners really should hear what Adom is saying because it's so profound. Often, we think, "Oh, we want this big vision to change the world," which is great, but a big vision, if you just change one life, that's a big vision. And so we should never be discouraged saying, "Well, I can't change the world. I can't change my town. I can't change my neighborhood. Let's all get up." If you can help one person, that's a big vision. You've ended up helping a lot more than one person, but you were willing to accept whatever would come. You give it your all, and if it was one person, you would be good with that. That's a remarkable, again, I'll use that word again, incredibly mature way of thinking that people decades older than you don't get.
Warwick F:
There's probably a whole lot more thoughts that you have that could help people besides the two that you've done, but that's just a remarkable attitude. So talk a bit more about Ball4Good. You've talked a bit about uniting people through sports. Who are some of the people that you help? Just talk a bit more about that.
Adom A:
Yes. Through Ball4Good, we've been able to help several nonprofit organizations in my community and beyond. We've helped causes of child abuse, we've helped causes of advocacy, children's cancer, child camps for boys and girls clubs. We've just been able to help so many different causes with homelessness, or just people who aren't as advocated for, and we're able to reach those people through this collective community passion.
Warwick F:
How do you choose which groups to help?
Adom A:
Well, we actually have a very talented grants committee that's comprised of youth throughout our community. We're schooled by the Spartanburg County Foundation staff, and they teach us how to review grants. And then we're able to look at all of these applications that people submit to us, nail it down to four organizations, and then submit it to our various school districts. And they vote for the number one and the three finalists.
Warwick F:
Again, this is an organization a lot of people, again, decades older than you wouldn't know had to do. How do you pull the list together? Grants committee and a whole process to review, again, it blows my mind. How do you pull all that together?
Adom A:
Really a lot of listening because there was so much that I didn't know. And being a young person, I knew that there were going to be aspects of the nonprofit sector and just the business world in general that I had zero experience in because all my experience was school. And so going through this project, going into this real world scenario, I just had to have an open mind and open ears ready to listen to people and take different things from different aspects of the world and put them in my organization and the way that I would like to see fit.
Warwick F:
Wow. Again, remarkable.
Gary S:
I think this is the most times you've ever said wow in an episode, Warwick.
Warwick F:
It is. Normally at the end, there's two or three things that listeners need to listen to, there's probably 10 or 15 things that listeners need to listen to here. So here's another one. Speaking of listening, you mentioned listening. There's many successful, so-called successful executives, political leaders, whatever, most of them are terrible at listening. They have massive egos, thinking, "I know everything. I'm the foundation of all wisdom." They don't listen. And there's certainly a lot of young people, teenagers, 20s, who think, "Okay, I don't want to listen to my parents, I don't want to listen to my teachers, I don't want to listen to anybody. I've got it, I'm going to make my way." But you had the wisdom to know, "I don't know about nonprofits." How could you at your age? "I want to listen to the experts, to the best advice to pull us together." That requires remarkable humility. Where does that come from?
Warwick F:
I don't know, that's probably a tough question to answer, that desire to listen, the curiosity, the humility. I don't know, you probably can't answer where it comes from. You've probably have always been that way, I'm guessing. Is your mom or dad, they model some of these things for you, these desire to listen and be humble?
Adom A:
Definitely. I know that my mom always tells me the importance of respecting people and respecting where they come from. And so I've just worked that into my life and how I can take different aspects of the world and put them into what I do in the most productive way possible. My dad always tells me the importance of just doing you and doing what you need to do, what your legacy should be. And so he's taught me how I should listen to others, how I should take into account what everybody has to say and then pick what I believe to be important and ingrain that in my life.
Warwick F:
Another amazing word. I don't think I've heard pretty much any 16-year-olds mention is legacy, what your legacy to be. That's something people think about on their death bed. It's typically, "Man, I made lots of money, or whatever happened. And, oops, I neglected my family, I was so driven," whether it's in any field of endeavor; business, sports, the arts, but you're thinking about legacy right now. Do you have any inklings of what you want your legacy to be? It's probably a massive question, but since you brought up-
Gary S:
I bet you do. I bet you do.
Adom A:
I have some broad aspirations as to... I just want to be able to help, definitely more people that I've helped now. I want to be able to get to a point where I can consider myself a true philanthropist and be able to allow people to benefit, be able to help with the issues of the world in whatever way I can, whether that's in leadership or in financial contributions. I just want to be able to say at the end of my life that I was able to make a difference, I was able to help.
Gary S:
And that is in the parlance of Crucible Leadership, listeners. That's what we mean when we talk about leading a life of significance. What Adom just talked about is his ship where he's not exactly sure what port it's going to land at, his ship is pointed, the compass is pointed toward a life of significance.
Warwick F:
Yeah. That is a pretty amazing legacy. Let's talk a little bit more about Ball4Good. And so I get all the amazing things that you're contributing to, so how do you raise the money? Is it like sporting events? Or how do you maybe... I think you brought in some different, maybe NBA players, how do you do that side of it, the sporting events and create interest in what you're doing and raise the money?
Adom A:
Sure. Our first year we started with what is now our annual celebrity basketball game, that's where we tie in local celebrities as well as other celebrities to join us and play basketball against one another, and they just pitted against each other and teams. In the first year, we just raised money through grants, sponsorships, concessions, tickets sales, and then in the following years, in order to raise more money, we had competitions for the players to see which player could raise the most money, and they'd get a plaque for that. And so it was just encouraged players to get behind this cause and tell their friends about it.
Adom A:
So that spread the word about Ball4Good as a whole, and beyond the basketball game were able to raise money through a different streaming services, were able to raise money through soccer events, different school programs we've partnered with that are able to receive donations or donate physical items such as like winter hats for children or women with cancer. We're just able to do these various things for different organizations through avenues with sports and other avenues. As the quarantine hit, we were unable to have our annual basketball game, so we transitioned into something different this year.
Adom A:
We had a music fundraiser in which we streamed music on Instagram and Facebook, and our viewers tuned in every week for almost a month and a half. And they donated to the GoFundMe, were able to raise a substantial amount of money just by playing music and having a party every weekend.
Warwick F:
That's pretty creative. That's adaptable. Another important life quality is when life throws you a curve or like the whole coronavirus being able to figure out, "Okay, what do we do now?" So that's critical component for listeners in life.
Gary S:
This would be a good time, perhaps I think to do a couple of things. One, we're getting close to the time that we have to, I would normally say, land the plane, but let's say, rack the basketballs. So we're getting close to the part where we got to rack the basketballs and wrap up, but we're not there yet. But the other thing I would be very remiss, Adom, if I did not give you the opportunity to tell listeners where they can find out more about you, your books and about Ball4Good, how can they find out more?
Adom A:
Yes. My social media handles are all @iamadomappia, and you can also find us on Instagram @weball4good or Ball4Good on Twitter. And you can go to ball4good.org for more information about our organization. My books are also available for sale on Amazon, they are, Kids Can Change the World and Bouncing Back from Failure.
Gary S:
Fabulous. And we will spell for you listener both of the Adom's names so that you can find those handles in the social media accounts for sure.
Warwick F:
One thing I'm curious about is obviously your first book Bouncing Back from Failure, and it's so needed in our world today, but Kids Can Change the World, that's an amazing title. What's the concept there? Why'd you write that, obviously, you're changing the world and you're still in high school, but what prompted you to write that book? Maybe that's an obvious question, but I'm just curious.
Adom A:
Sure. Kids Can Change the World, actually didn't start as a book, it just started as me writing down ideas based on my experiences with aspiring to be involved for good. I just felt like that specific year for me was just so profound and so awakening that I decided to write down my ideas. And eventually, a couple of words turned into a full page, page turned into a chapter, and before I knew it, I had this book with these written out steps to how kids can make an impact. And the title says, kids can change the world and people view that as such a large and such a profound statement, but I truly think that if everybody has the mindset that they can change the world, the world can actually change, because if people have the mindset that I can't change the world, the world is so large, then nothing is going to get done.
Adom A:
But if people have the mindset that me as a person, if I do one small thing every day, the world will change in a small way, then eventually, a lot more it gets done because a lot of more people are purpose driven and excited about going out to make a difference in the world.
Warwick F:
Absolutely. And I think kids have unique opportunities because sometimes you get few more decades in life and you get downtrodden, you get cynical, maybe you've suffered failure, maybe sometimes it can be not your fault, you've been mistreated, a lot of things can happen, and you start getting angry and sometimes understandably, you start giving up and just, "Oh, what's the point? The world isn't fair," which obviously is not. But sometimes as a kid, you might know that, but you haven't had a few decades of, I don't know, being mistreated or downtrodden or failing.
Warwick F:
And so, sometimes that sense of optimism hasn't faded yet that later on... And it can be very understandable why it fades, but it's good when hope and optimism doesn't fade. And sometimes with kids, you know what I mean? It hasn't faded yet. So there's a unique opportunity. So what's next with, obviously you've got a junior, you're probably thinking of life after high school and college and all sorts of things, but when you think about Ball4Good, what's the next step and the vision for you?
Adom A:
With Ball4Good, I'm looking, especially this year to have something to wrap up, I don't know, the scale, we were able to accomplish, but we're looking to do something with a streaming service that we'll be able to raise money through Ball4Good. It won't necessarily be me streaming, it could be someone else that we're partnered with, but we're looking to raise money through that. And then going forward, we're looking to have meetings with our various committees, check in with them and brainstorm as to how we can adapt, assuming that we're not able to return to what we normally do and anytime soon.
Warwick F:
Wow. Well, thank you, Adom, that's so many remarkable things and Gary, you're probably going to try and sum up here, but I think if there's some things that we can really learn from Adom, often what leads people to be great leaders is character. I love history, and one of the things we talk about a bit on here is Abraham Lincoln and historians regularly rate him as the top president. And he had this self-belief, but he also coupled with supreme humility, you could say, "Mr. Lincoln, in this era, you're an idiot." And he'd say, "Well, you're probably right, but tell me why."
Warwick F:
So what leads to greatness is really, obviously, as I'm sure your parents probably say all the time, is character, is that self-belief, but that sense of humility, the willing to listen and to learn, thinking of others. That's really what makes great leaders and great characters, and you're already living that way at 16, so it's mind blowing. So thank you. It's an honor to have you here. It really is.
Gary S:
I'm going to change the way I normally end the show. Listeners, you know how I normally end the show, Adom does not, but it's because of you, Adom, I'm not going to end the show like I normally do. Normally I say, "Here are three tips that you can learn from what we've just had in our interview with our guest." I'm not going to do that because I don't believe I can do justice to some of the truly insightful things you've said. So what I'm going to ask the listener to do is go back and replay this episode because there's a reason why Warwick stopped several times in this conversation with this young man and said, "Wow." Because there is great insight.
Gary S:
And his book may have been called Kids Can Change the World, but there are tips in this conversation where you at any age can change the world by simply following these simple examples. One of the things I love about this conversation, Adom, is that you don't talk a lot, you're a man, a young man of few words, and the words that you say have great impact. And I'm going to end, instead of doing the recap of trying to add extra words to your word, let people go back and listen to your words because they apply them to their lives, and listeners, you're going to be well on your way to overcoming your crucible and achieving a life of significance.
Gary S:
But I want to end on this quote that I found, because when you were talking to Adom about your initial journey, about wanting to be in the spelling bee, there were some people who were saying that boys aren't very good spellers. And that could have discouraged you, but your third grade teacher, you mentioned, encouraged you and got you going and got you into the spelling bee and lit that fire in you again that maybe some people had tamped down. And it reminded me of this quote from Franklin Roosevelt, FDR, the former president, who said this about youth, "We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future."
Gary S:
That's what your third grade teacher did, that's what your parents have done, and that is what you even still in the context of being a youth are doing for youth and for all of the adults who'll listen. I'm going to let you have the last word here, Adom. What's one tip you would give to someone who's going through a rough time, a crucible, a setback, a failure, what's the first step you would recommend someone take, who finds themselves in that position?
Adom A:
I'd say, in an experience where you're feeling hopeless, you're feeling bad, you are down, that you have failed, I'd say, take a moment just to reflect, think about all that you have, think about all that you've been blessed with and think of this failure as a blessing, because it serves as a lesson. It serves as a lesson that you can apply to your life in the future, and you can implement that in your life and always remember that failure, and it's going to lead you to further successes in your future.
Gary S:
Fabulous. I've been in the communications business long enough to know when the last word has been spoken. As we say in journalism circles, we put it at the end of our stories, #30#, end of story. Adom, you said it well. So listeners, thank you for spending time with us on this episode of Beyond the Crucible, we hope that you've gained some insights from our conversation. And we hope that it helps you recognize and understand that your crucible experience while painful, and it can be something that "is simple," that other people might not think would be painful, like not winning the spelling bee that you had trained for three or four years.
Gary S:
Some people might dismiss that as not really being a crucible, it is a crucible. And you may be in that crucible moment right now and feel like you're off balance, your life has been knocked off track, Adom has proven it through what he's, not only gone through, but what he's explained that that crucible experience, that pain, that failure, that setback is not the end of your story. In fact, if you learn the lessons of it, if you apply the lessons of it, if you flip the script and learn to serve others as you move beyond it, that crucible can become the launching point to a new story, a new chapter in your life that can be the best chapter in your life because what it leads to is something truly remarkable. And that is a life of significance.
It’s hard enough to get through failures and setbacks — we only make them worse by beating ourselves up or trying to move past them too quickly. Author and wellness coach Cami Smalley stresses the importance of looking at crucibles through the lens of our strengths and being intentional about taking mindful pauses to fuel our recovery build resilience.
Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.
👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/
Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome everyone to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the show and the communications director for Crucible Leadership. And you have happened upon, you've clicked play on. We hope that you've clicked subscribe, too. A podcast that deals with talks about crucible experiences. Those moments in our lives and we all know what they are because most of us have experienced them. Those moments in our lives where we have experienced a failure or a setback or a tragedy or a trauma. Something that maybe has happened to us. Something that maybe we have instigated to happen to us in some way, shape or form. But what they all have in common, these crucible experiences, is that they're painful.
Gary S:
That they can knock the wind out of your sails. They can knock you off the trajectory of your life. And we talk about them here, though, not because they are painful but because they can be overcome. We talk about them here because if we learn the lessons of our crucibles, if we apply those lessons and establish a vision that we make a reality, we can then point our lives to something more rewarding and that is a life of significance. And here with me as always is the host of the show, the architect of Crucible Leadership and a man who is indeed living a life of significance. Warwick Fairfax. Warwick, we got a good show today.
Warwick F:
Absolutely, Gary. Very much looking forward to it.
Gary S:
And I say we have a good show today, listener, because our guest is Cami Smalley. I'm going to tell you a little bit about Cami right now. Cami is a wellness coach and founder of Guided Resilience. And she offers a self-care and resilience process that transforms personal challenges into personal growth through mindful integration of mind, body, evidence-based approaches for well-being. Cami works with HR, business and healthcare leaders to develop group coaching and training programs to help develop the competencies they need to thrive. With decades of experience as a wellness coach, Cami makes sure that all guided resilience programs use evidence-based strategies to support efforts to stop the incessant pace and intensity of life.
Gary S:
Breathe your way to stability and ease. Think about your self-care and growth process and choose a life of your design. Her Amazon bestselling book, Mindful Pause: The Self-Care Guide to Resilience and Well-Being serves as a tool to share her work. Welcome, Cami. And this is going to be a great discussion, Warwick.
Cami S:
Thank you, Gary, and thank you Warwick. I'm so happy to be here.
Warwick F:
Well, thanks so much, Cami. I just love the whole concept of guided resilience and your book, Mindful Pause and love to talk about that in a bit. But I'd like to start just kind of how you grew up. I think you grew up in Iowa, I believe.
Cami S:
Yes.
Warwick F:
Obviously you've had some crucibles along the way. But just talk a bit about kind of your family and who is Cami Smalley and just how you grew up.
Cami S:
Oh, that made me smile, having that invitation because I'm really fortunate because I really had a blessed upbringing in Iowa. I had a great family. Intact family. Great parents. Two brothers and a sister. And then our extended family was, for me, family meant everybody. Grandparents. Aunts and uncles. Cousins. And we grew up very tightly knit. We're a very active family so movement was always a part of our playtime. And we worshiped together as a family. Keeping sabbath was really important. And we would spend a whole Sunday at grandma's house. And at that time, my mom was a stay-at-home mom. My grandma was a stay-at-home woman. And they really made a beautiful domestic church. I mean, it was a time for us to be together. To relax. To restore ourselves.
Cami S:
So I learned early on how important that sabbath was. And then I was an athlete. So I think I learned a lot about discipline and hard work and victory and defeat. While it seems not such a big deal as an adult when real crucibles come along, those early crucibles, I shared with Gary that our team got bumped from the state tournament in basketball which was like a lifelong dream. And that was the first time a real personal challenge came. But death of family members from both illness. I had a tragic loss in our family due to violence.
Cami S:
But that was all done in kind of the womb of a family where I was resourced so well to be able to endure those. And the context of faith to kind of hold that and draw meaning from it and hope. So that's my upbringing in Iowa. I often refer in coaching about the cow path and I have to watch myself because not everybody knows about the cow path. But part of habit changing is trying to redirect those cows, those brain pathways in a new direction and that's not easy. So that's an imagery from Iowa that has stuck with me.
Warwick F:
Right. Right. I mean, with your upbringing being so idyllic, it's like, whoa. And we'll get to your move here in a bit. But why would you want to leave? Leave parents and grandparents and family and such an idyllic setting. It's like, well, why would you leave that? What could be better? So I can totally get that. So talk a bit about, I think you mentioned that you played three sports in high school where I don't know if these days they allow you to do that.
Cami S:
Right.
Warwick F:
Yeah. You got to focus. And whichever your main sport is, the coach says, "Don't even think about playing those other sports." But so from what I understand your team was like really good and expected to win states and people probably, parents, family, just assumed, oh, this is your year. Right?
Cami S:
Yeah.
Warwick F:
You can't lose. All those awful phrases when people say that. Because on any given day, anything can happen. Sadly. So talk a bit about that because it might not seem that much now but for teenagers or anybody, that can be devastating. That can be something you feel like, "Well, how can I carry on?" I mean, it's easy to say it's just a game, but when that's what you love doing and that dream ends. So talk a bit about that crucible at that time and that dream that wasn't fulfilled.
Cami S:
Well, it's interesting. The way you ask that question makes me recall how deeply that wound hurt at the moment that it happened. And basketball is a winter sport, so I remember leaving the gym and just falling into a snow drift outside. And it felt like I needed ... that that fit for how painful the moment was that I had to be in the painful cold. And it just really, really hurt. I remember feeling like life had ended. And I can see where young people have that very kind of short scope when things are disruptive. And I was a student teacher at the time also, and I remember showing up at the elementary school, second grade classroom. Some of the kids had been at the game. They didn't even know we won or lost. And I showed up at the school and they had a poster out with my name on it and hearts and we love you and you're awesome. And nobody even talked about losing.
Cami S:
So that just really ... and I had a lot of adults trying to meet me cognitively and talk me through that. And it didn't compare to the innocence of children. Just having that admiration for who I was as a person and just a beloved teacher of theirs. And that really turned my corner.
Warwick F:
That's funny. It's not so much you needed the cognitive. Well, you know, you tried your best. They were unexpectedly good and all the rest. And I don't know a huge amount about basketball. Whatever your stats were they could say, "Cami, your stats were good for the game."
Cami S:
Yeah. Right.
Warwick F:
Well, okay. Thank you. That doesn't help. You know?
Cami S:
Right.
Warwick F:
You did your part. Okay. So. We still lost. And it wasn't the championship game either, was it? It was-
Cami S:
No, no. It was the sectional tournament time and it was a team we had beaten twice in the regular season play. We were expected to win. We weren't, by any means, expected to necessarily do well at state, but it was the trip to state that was so admired and sought after and was an expected feather in our hat for an accomplishment for the years of high school.
Warwick F:
Not to dwell on it, but it's a microcosm. Afterwards, did you sort of beat yourself up and say, "Gosh. I should have done A or B", or was it more like it was more, "Well, I did my best but we still lost"?
Cami S:
I'm trying to think back. I don't think I dwelled there very long. I think that part of my resilience is I know that what I drew from it was yes, I always know I put what I can into a competition. And so I was confident that in that moment I did what I needed to do. So it was really ... it became more about in the present moment, how was I going to deal with this new challenge?
Warwick F:
Right.
Gary S:
It's fascination, Cami, to hear you talk about how those students just loved on you. Just expressed their appreciation for you and that that, you used the phrase, "It helps you turn the corner." And Warwick, I've heard you describe in your own crucible experience with the takeover bid how for a while there you felt like nobody loved you or you weren't lovable. Not that nobody loved you, but that somehow what had happened made you less likable or lovable. And that part of your bouncing back from your crucible, moving beyond it, was also understanding that you were not your crucible. That did not define you and that there were other relationships and other emotions that people had for you that weren't tied to that at all.
Gary S:
And again, for the listeners to understand, for a high school student to have not made it to state versus the heir to multi-billion dollar media dynasty, those are circumstances that are quite different for a crucible. But listen to the emotions and listen to what got them past the crucible. It was love. It was appreciation. It was these very simple things, and those things apply to all of us who go through crucibles.
Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, exactly. Well-said. And obviously for me it was more I'm not defined by whether my takeover bid succeeded whether I'm involved in a 150 year old family business. It was still hard. I mean, this is sort of the early 90s when it went under and having a wife that loved me unconditionally and it wasn't about the money or not. And obviously feeling like from a faith perspective, God loves us unconditionally. And He has works of service for us to do, but His love isn't dependent on what we do. So a number of things. And yes, family, absolutely, is important.
Warwick F:
Cami, talk about sort of fast forward a bit. I think you got married to a guy you met in high school? Is that correct? And you were settling in Iowa and he was a doctor but there was a move happen which wasn't easy.
Cami S:
No. That wasn't easy. Because we had landed back at home and that vision of life that I described to you at the start of our conversation, I thought was going to be my life. And one of the things that I've learned is attachment causes suffering. And I had to take ... I had to do a lot of personal work in getting through that decision. And as always, love is the course that just makes it seem so easy. And I knew that staying was going to make my partner unhappy. And I was being called to love in a way that asked me to give up something in pursuit of a collective happiness that I knew that we both needed to be happy in order for our family to thrive.
Cami S:
And so that's the decision I made. And I also know it's a personal commitment of mine that I'm very deliberate in my decision making process because I don't want to leave room for regret going forward. And if in the moment I make a decision with what I understand to be available to me at the time, then mistakes just happen. And I can deal with them in the moment. But there's no room for regret, because I'm confident when I made the decision that I made it with right intention.
Warwick F:
And that's such an important point, is I'm also, as I jokingly say, when I don't make $2 billion takeovers, normally I'm actually a very thoughtful considered decision maker. One massive aberration and there are obviously reasons for that which I've talked about in earlier podcasts. But yeah. I mean just thinking it through carefully and then so okay, based on available information that's the right decision for me. So that was a big decision. You obviously came to it collectively but you obviously felt like it wasn't so much you were being pushed into it. You felt like it was the right thing to do. You obviously thought about it, prayed about it, talked about it, and you made that decision. But to leave a family when it's so close, I mean, I love that whole attachment thing you mentioned.
Warwick F:
But gosh. That is ... I mean, that's got to have been hard. So you moved to Minnesota and I mean, you're a strong person. You've grown up in a strong family. You're resilient. Even the basketball game, it was very painful but it wasn't like life was over. It's not like you went into your shell for the next five years. I mean, it was devastating, but you moved on. So you're not somebody that's ... you would think, "Gosh", you've always been resilient. Obviously, we're just chatting. I don't know you that well, but that would be my guess. But yet somehow, Minnesota was different. Somehow despite all of this resilience, somehow it was really difficult. So talk about why was it so difficult? What was the pain and why was it so difficult, do you think?
Cami S:
I've given a lot of thought to that because I've tried to understand why I was more vulnerable. And I think it has to do with age truly, and now the work that I do with adults, I recognize that age plays into it. And so I think really my brain got tired. I spent a year in a new place. Even driving, your brain gets very accustomed to familiarity. And so everything seemed hard. Driving places. Just trying to find the junior high basketball court that my daughter was competing in and getting lost. And this was before GPS. So, it was me listening to John Denver play Take Me Home, Country Roads, as I'm wandering around a state I didn't know.
Cami S:
So I think it was partly age and just fatigue. I think that having everything so new was compounding my fatigue. And then just being very devoted to try and resource my children first. So making sure they made friends. We're a musical family, so finding the right musical instructors. getting to know the teachers in the school system. Finding new places to shop. I think it was just accumulative overwhelm. And we hear that, I have a lot of clients. That's part of what ... they're surprised when it's not a big crucible. Sometimes it's just that life mounts up with these tensions, distractions, irritations that grow into an overwhelming mass that leads them feeling fatigued, and for me, depressed.
Warwick F:
Yeah. No, that totally makes sense. And do you look back and you were so focused on your kids and your family that maybe you didn't take enough time for yourself, you know?
Cami S:
Yeah. Funny that my theme in life now is self-care.
Warwick F:
Yeah.
Gary S:
Yeah.
Warwick F:
But I think for ... I imagine a lot of mothers, the whole concept of self-care is like, "Are you kidding me? Who has time for that?" That's just ... it's not reality.
Cami S:
Right. And whether you're a woman at home taking care of children or my husband and men or women out working in their careers, that tendency is so easy to prioritize. So many things ahead of our own self-care. And it was my husband that I mentioned earlier that it was the children. The universe has had beautiful ways to send teachers to me and they're never consistent, and they come in so many different ways. And it's been plum trees, my husband, children, the natural world in a lot of ways, but on this particular time, Steve and I were on a walk and I really believe the body speaks the mind. And while I was having a difficult time, we were on a walk because I couldn't run.
Cami S:
And he recognized my isolation in this transition time, and he encouraged me to look at a graduate degree. To get out and go engage in something for myself. And as we were walking, he said, "I'm excited for you. I'm excited to see you run with this." Which the way he said it to me, because I was physically unable to run at the time was my turning point, again. It's funny how those ... the apple falling from the tree. A stroke of insight. And that really began to shift my mood. I had his encouragement. I had this way of running that I had not thought of before. So, that was real important.
Warwick F:
And I think you've mentioned somewhere around there that your parents, they were not well or they had Alzheimer's? Was that around that time? Or was that ...
Cami S:
That was a little later.
Warwick F:
A little later. Okay.
Cami S:
That was a little later. So it was during my graduate studies that my dad became sick. And he was my ... I adored my father as a lot of people can say. And that was really ... and he was so healthy. He was the athlete that always encouraged me to work hard. In fact, he's the inspiration behind clean and fill. Clean and fill. He was a restaurant owner, so you were always busy. Even if it wasn't busy, you found ways to stay busy. So when he got sick, that was a really difficult time for me. He was also the entrepreneur. He ran a restaurant. So at that time, I was in grad school and I was working for a holistic health resource center serving people with chronic illness, and I withdrew from that because they lived in Iowa and I wanted to be able to be present to my family during that time.
Cami S:
But I also loved working. I knew that was an important part of my self-care, and that's when Guided Resilience was born, simultaneous to my dad's dying. And I think I was living into, I think, a genetically endowed gift of having my own business. It was my dad's life. His love. My mom never worried about my dad being faithful. He always accused him only of the restaurant being his mistress. But yeah. He was an important presence and motivation in my life.
Warwick F:
That was another tough crucible. So between your dad and this move to Minnesota, it seems like Guided Resilience was born. How did that happen and how did that grow out of your experiences?
Cami S:
The business Guided Resilience?
Warwick F:
Yeah. Well, and your personal journey, too. Because probably as you're trying to center yourself and get out of that sort of somewhat depressed state, did the business start first? Did you start thinking about these things as you were trying to help yourself and how did that whole thing happen?
Cami S:
I haven't thought of it quite like that before, Warwick. I think the graduate degree over at St. Kate's is a very personal growth oriented, as well. So I studied energy work there. I pursued my coaching degree while I was there. I pursued my yoga training while I was there. So it was kind of a ... they had curriculum but then it was also very self-designed as well. So that's when I started adding some of my education in. And it was simultaneously healing me at the same time. So it was resourcing me in very important ways to heal my own journey, and it inspired how I wanted to then ... the call for me to bring that work into what I already was doing. I've always been a coach. I mean, I was a coach of athletic teams.
Cami S:
Then I was a personal trainer and a fitness instructor. And always interested in holistic growth for people. But as I said, the universe kept calling me to wounded people at the Holistic Resource Center. People with cancer, which I really resisted. There was a reason I went into wellness. But I was placed in certain places. And so it was both a simultaneous personal growth process that transformed into how I feel I was intended to contribute to goodness, growth and energy in the world.
Warwick F:
So as you were taking these courses and learning, what was some of the key things that you discovered that you found very helpful to yourself?
Cami S:
Oh god. What just flashed in my mind when you asked that is I was in a spirituality and health class, and they talked about thinking outside the box. And that's been a really consistent theme, because my box, I viewed, I was a Cradle Catholic and as I described my childhood, very safe and homogenous and a lot of good qualities. But I didn't have a box to get out of. I had a fortress. My box had like six foot thick walls. And it's not that it was bad, it's just that I wasn't making room for a lot of other lenses, perspectives in the world. My studies took me to India to further my yoga understanding.
Cami S:
And it was a really beautiful and safe and supportive way to cherish the foundation that I had in my Catholicism and at the same time, expand my lens to looking at the other ways that people work. And the other ways that people are inspired. And living in the Twin Cities, I'm exposed to a very diverse environment. So that was new for coming from Iowa. So, I think that that was an important part of that journey.
Warwick F:
Yeah. No, I think a lot of people can relate that you get comfortable in your own box. I mean, I've lived in a bunch of different places from England where I went to college, and the U.S., back to Australia. And when the whole takeover ended, it's like, well, I've got a lot of friends here in Sydney. I really don't want to leave but yet it was clear that I had to, because it was such a prominent thing. I couldn't really carry on a normal life. But yeah, I get comfortable with my rhythms, as I call them, and I don't know. I've lived so many different places. I guess it would seem like I'm adventurous, but in some ways not. I don't know. I kind of force myself bit by bit. But I think most people are like that. Very few people like doing new things, irrespective of the culture. You get comfortable.
Warwick F:
But yet by not trying new things, comfort is not always good for growth. To grow you got to be-
Cami S:
No.
Warwick F:
... have some level of discomfort. So I imagine with those walls coming down, you probably made some conscious, thoughtful choices that I got to get out of this box here. It's not good for me to stay in the box.
Cami S:
Yeah. And there's always reward with that, right? I mean, it's scary at first. But seek and you find. And I learned early on that if I keep seeking, I trust that on the other side of that unknowing is going to be a reward and that has proved to be true.
Gary S:
And that brings me to one of the words or phrases that you use, Cami, when we talked first. You talked about meaning-making and the importance of meaning-making. How does that, for people who are listening, they've been through a crucible, they may be in that more stuck point, that more high centered point, what is meaning making by your definition, and how can that help move you beyond a crucible experience?
Cami S:
I don't think self-reflection comes naturally for some people, but I think it's critical to connecting the dots so that meaning emerges. So, kind of foundational to that is a meditation mindfulness or prayer practice that allows thoughts to emerge. And I continually sought out instruction and support. So always present in my life was not only the loved ones that I know had my best interest, but it was always important to have contact with someone that isn't necessarily vested in me. Coaches, spiritual directors, teachers in areas that I needed to learn more. And so by the inclusion of other instruction, then bringing that into meditation and prayer and beginning to process it. I often joke with my family about the Gospel according to Cami.
Cami S:
Because we know that events in our life, we're meant to learn from them. And we can only best learn from them ... learning for me means having a lot of different resources and information. And then me synthesizing it based on my perspectives and intuition and ... so I think that's how it happens for me.
Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, I think that's so profound what you're saying and that has to be maybe part of the cornerstone of Guided Resilience perhaps is most people aren't reflective. I mean, I actually am pretty reflective. Fortunately or unfortunately I'm kind of wired that way, which has its pluses and minuses. But overall, it's a good thing. But just reflect on kind of what's happening, what am I feeling. I know for me, if I'm feeling depressed or agitated or even angry, I have to understand why. Why am I feeling this? Sometimes I don't know. Fortunately. I mean, my first stop is typically to my wife, who knows me very well, saying, "Why am I feeling this?" And eight, nine times out of 10, she'll get it. And she'll let me know and that helps.
Warwick F:
But yes. Self-reflection. Meditation. Prayer. There's different ways of doing it. It's critical. But then the second piece you said, outside resources. Obviously it helps if you have some support within the home. Some do. And not everybody does. But whether it's at church or coaches, counseling. A lot of folks think counseling is a bad thing, but it's not. I think it's hard. I don't think there are too many people that can't be helped just a little bit by counseling. I know I've been at times, definitely. But that outside help who can give you a perspective or just ask you that right question that unlocks learning and understanding. And as you say, you synthesize it and then say, "Okay. So what do I do with this?"
Warwick F:
And usually you have that ... I don't know I think of that phrase in the Bible. That still, small voice. You just have that sense of okay, this is what this means. This is what I'm meant to do. This is what's going on. But that comes through prayer, meditation, counsel. That's sort of the building blocks, right? Those are some of the key cornerstones. So, yeah. Talk about some of the other elements of Guided Resilience. Is that a fair statement that part of that is start with self-reflection and outside counsel that's part of the vision?
Cami S:
Yeah. I mean, I build self-reflection. In Guided Resilience, kind of the methodology is grounded, growing and gifted. So it's grounded. And this is my personal approach too. It's grounded in evidence-based practice and an understanding of the holistic nature of all things. Those lenses also don't come very naturally for people. We get very siloed and try to solve problems in a silo. And not recognize the holistic interconnectedness of things. And then evidence-based, we're in a really exciting time in seeing the bridging between science and spirit. And I feel really comfortable and called to walk that line. Warwick, as you mentioned, in the way you approach your conversations. I think that there's been made plenty of room for us to have conversations about really deeply meaningful human experience from a lens of scientific understanding now has really ramped up, and from the wisdom traditions that have been trying to describe it as best as they could for thousands of years.
Cami S:
And the two really mutually support each other these days. And so those kinds of conversations are really exciting.
Warwick F:
Yeah. I think that's so true. I mean, obviously, medicine is important but it's medicine, meditation, prayer. Obviously good nutrition. Fortunately, my wife is a big believer in good nutrition. Avoiding some foods that are a little bit more toxic than others and more organic. And I think a lot of people obviously try to do that. But yeah. When you're agitated in your spirit, I think we know now that is not good for you medically. It doesn't matter how understandable it is. Like for me, if I'm anxious, it tends to affect my stomach. And I have to watch what I eat. I mean, obviously if you've got a somewhat sensitive stomach you stay away from tomatoes, chocolate and that kind of thing. They're sort of basic things that you understand. But if I'm agitated, I got to be more careful than normal. And say, "Okay. There's clearly a problem. My stomach is telling me there's a problem. I need to find a way to calm down, whether it's prayer, meditation or taking a long walk."
Warwick F:
Whatever it is. And do something about it. And it's not just a matter of, oh I'm just going to keep being anxious and taking antacid. It's not wrong to take an antacid. But meditation or prayer or a long walk is good, too. You do a bit of everything. Does that kind of make sense kind of what you're saying?
Cami S:
Oh, absolutely. And the really empowering thing that you mentioned is having some control over that because very often the things that causes our anxiety are things that are outside of our control. And so knowing that I can self-regulate and make choices that are going to help me with the very natural response to upsetting things in the world that are outside of my control really strikes a chord at what makes us fully healthy and human, and that is autonomy and self-empowerment. To be able to choose how to self-regulate.
Warwick F:
And that's where I feel like for me having a wisdom tradition, faith tradition, I think is a big help. Because if you feel like God or the universe is in control and it's not my responsibility to solve things that I can't control. I'm responsible for trying to make a difference where I can. But whether it's kids, parents, illnesses, a lot of things in life that we can do some things about but we can't control everything and just try to force yourself through prayer or meditation to let it go. That in itself, that's a huge challenge. A lot of people just say, "No. I'm just going to keep angry about it." Or another thing I often talk about is forgiveness. Which is a different conversation but from a health and wellness perspective even if you have every right to be bitter at somebody that wronged you objectively, typically they could careless which is galling, but that's just life.
Warwick F:
But the person it hurts physically and mentally is you. So I often say, "The reason you should forgive is because you're worth it." You know?
Cami S:
Yes.
Warwick F:
Forget them.
Cami S:
Oh, that's just great.
Warwick F:
So that's, again, it's a discipline. It's like I can't afford to be angry and vengeful because it's going to hurt my health. You know?
Cami S:
Exactly.
Warwick F:
And it's going to hurt my mental state. So I've got to ... So talk about some of the other elements of ... I love some of the things you have on like the Mindful Pause Process. The stop, breathe, think, choose. I mean, there's so many good things. So talk about some of the other elements. Obviously self-reflection. Getting good counsel. What are some of the other elements in just this wonderful concept you have of Guided Resilience?
Cami S:
Well, I think it's important to know that how we think is really important. So when we do self-reflection, self-reflection can be guided in a proper way, too. We have a built-in negativity bias. So if somebody can come to their self-reflection very harsh, critical, judgemental. Which just really interrupts the restoration and forward growth and movement. So how we think is really important. And so when I work with myself and with folks, I come from a strengths-based and positivity lens. So, first thing I do with clients is have them do a strengths inventory. I use the VIA survey of character strengths. Nine times out of 10 people can't tell me. They can instantly tell me everything that's wrong about them that they want to fix, but when asked, well what are your virtues, what do you value? They stammer and stumble and can't come up with what makes them ... what really lights them up.
Cami S:
And so I ask them to know that and then there's the concept of the signature strengths, and that's knowing your top five. Having them on the mind all the time. And as a coach, then, I want to know their top five. And so when I'm visiting with them and listening to them speak, I'm listening for and helping them train themselves to hear how they're living into their strengths. So strengths-based lens is really important. And then part of what we're amplifying when we do that is all of the theory around positive emotion. We're getting out of the judgemental and critical mindset that's narrow and leaves very little room for expansive, creative or collaborative thinking, and we're trying to really broaden our awareness. So being very intentional about shifting. Barbara Fredrickson describes three to one. And when you think about the natural evolution of a day, it's very easy for there to be way more disruptive, frustrating, challenging moments than being not only acknowledging but savoring the good.
Cami S:
And with the folks I work with, healthcare, not only are they ... they have the natural negativity bias, but then they go into a discipline where they're trained to look for what's wrong. So they're trained to look for symptoms and things that need to be fixed. So again, we're back to habits. And not that those aren't good things. Obviously we want professionals that are able to help us diagnose problems and fix them. But not to the detriment of training and reinforcing the ability to see the good and savor it and let it have a role in shaping our lens of life and how we live. So that's a very important part. And to your point about self-reflection, I have folks do a chip. I call it a chip. I give them prompts for their self-reflection. So I have them start out with the C stands for celebrate.
Cami S:
I have to force them to do that because that's not where they'll naturally begin. What went well? The H is happen. I want you to stick with the good. How did it happen? Who was around? What were the circumstances? I want to know all of that. The I then, finally we're in a place. We're in that up spiral of confidence and celebration. Now I can identify. Where were my stumbling blocks? And then that naturally evolves to the P which is plan. Now my intuition is kind of primed. And I'm like, "What naturally am I being called to experiment with next that's going to move me forward?"
Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, this is really, to me so profound because when you go through a crucible, it's easy to beat yourself up. In my case, it was pretty simple. It's like, how could I have been so stupid? Launch this big takeover. Alienate my family. Company goes under. It affects thousands of people's jobs. The company went on, but it was a little dicey at the time. And you just want to relentlessly beat yourself up. That's normal, irrespective of the crucible. You just want to crucify yourself. You just ...
Cami S:
Right.
Warwick F:
At the extreme, some people would get to I'm worthless. I shouldn't be here. I make everybody miserable. You can really get in a downward spiral. But helping people understand that we all have strengths? Fortunately I was able to find that being a reflective advisor, analytical, I'm good on boards because I'm able to ask questions and speak truth in a way that can be heard. And so I found some areas of gifting but it's not natural. It took me years. And maybe with your process it would have shaved off quite a few years. But this concept of just helping people understand what their strengths are, what their values are, and that there are things that they're good at. And I'm sure a part of it is just letting go of the things, mistakes and things you're not good at. And that's okay. We all make maybe poor choices or bad things happen. That's so ... and just your whole celebrate. It's sort of interesting.
Warwick F:
We're always quick to talk about the bad, but I often find it's very difficult to remember the good, because we tend to want to forget that. I mean, one of the things we do in our family. It's funny. It was Father's Day on Sunday, but it was also my daughter's birthday, so we had to share it. So-
Cami S:
The same thing happened at our house.
Warwick F:
No.
Cami S:
Yeah. Yeah. My husband, obviously, Father's Day. And Meredith, our oldest, her birthday is on Tuesday but we used the weekend to celebrate her birthday as well.
Warwick F:
Yeah. So I at least got a couple hours in before we shifted to the main event. But it was all good. But one of the things we do on birthdays, and we've done this ever since my kids were small, we go around. So the youngest to oldest. And we say, "Okay. What do you most admire about that person?" And really talk about it. Well, I grew up in a journalistic family, so at least some of my kids, they're writers. They know how to communicate. And it's fine until it's your birthday. Then watch out and they go into exhaustive detail. And they're typically very accurate too. So it's not just ... yeah. Not wrong. But I've always felt that that's really important.
Warwick F:
And so year after year, you're hearing these positive messages. More than once a year. But just why your family thinks you're so valuable and why they admire you so much. Not just, "Oh, you're wonderful." But being very specific about it. So I just feel like we don't do that enough in our society. And that, I think, builds strength and resilience when we not false praise, but honestly praise somebody for the good that they do. And does that make sense?
Cami S:
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely makes sense. And I also ... The direction this is going and this often comes up with clients, there's an expectation when they come to a resilience coach. When people are having those crucible moments, that whatever I am inviting them to do is going to alleviate their suffering immediately. And that's where I put that almost right upfront when I have conversations. That you're where you're at for a very important purpose. And so we don't want to rush that process. There are things to help you endure the discomfort, the confusion, the anxiety, but we're not going to rush through that. Because those are really important times too.
Cami S:
I think it was Sue Monk Kidd that wrote a beautiful book called When the Heart Waits, and that I read at my darkest times. And it's also very important to have the presence of someone who trusts the darkness. That I can help you feel good because I know that that's an important part of healing, but we don't have to be afraid of what comes up in those crucibles. And we can't say how long they're going to last. Nobody can say. The resilience coach can't shorten your suffering. Life has a plan for that. But we can trust that you are going to be learning and growing and all of that is still available in that process.
Warwick F:
And that's, again, another such an important point is it's like a broken bone. It doesn't heal overnight. And as I often say, sadly, "Sometimes there are scars." You might quote, unquote, "get over it", but it doesn't mean to say there isn't some residual pain, be it physical, emotionally. I mean, for me most of the 90's as listeners know, was somewhat of a dark period. It took me years to bounce back. And some of the elements you've mentioned. Self-reflection. Support of family. Friends. Counselors. Coach. A variety of folks. But one of the things that helped me is I found there are things I could do and not screw up as I thought at the time.
Warwick F:
Baby steps. I began to see there are some things I can do that people respect me for. And because my self-worth was very low. And so gradually it's like, wow. And it was bit by bit. So I often talk about when you're finding things that you can do, especially from my perspective that somehow helps others, there's a healing balm in that. There's a healing kind of ointment if you will.
Cami S:
Oh. Yeah.
Warwick F:
I mean, maybe this is an obvious thing to you. Maybe not to all listeners. But as you were studying and then as you're helping others, did you feel like, "You know what? There's something I'm doing that is worthwhile"? And it's okay to admit I feel good about helping people. It's not wrong. It's not why you're doing it. But is there an aspect of Guided Resilience that when you get to the point where you can focus on helping others that that's another step on the journey to wholeness and wellness? Does that make sense?
Cami S:
Absolutely. And I think it's a little less linear and a little more integrative. So it's not somewhere I get to eventually. And for each person it's really individual. That's something that I don't attempt to even try to prescribe. I'm thinking of a cancer survivor that I worked with at one point who was so fatigued by her treatment. Not only the disease, but the treatment causing additional illness that she couldn't serve. I mean, she couldn't even mother her own children. And she found joy. She expressed her finding joy in watching her mother serve her children. To watch her mother be happy when happy was really hard for her to muster up the energy for.
Cami S:
So the idea of serving others, again, has a lot of expressions that to wherever somebody finds themselves in their crucible moment, having to have some flexibility on what that looks like could be very not what they're used to.
Warwick F:
Absolutely. I think one of the ways I look at it is, how do you find purpose in the pain? How do you find meaning? Sometimes you might feel like this makes no sense, but if you can use what you've been through in some ways to help others, somehow giving the pain a little bit of meaning can make it easier to move on. And obviously some circumstances you're not physically capable of. But to the degree whether it's an abuse survivor or whatever the circumstance is, you have a unique gift. And unfortunately, in a sense, where you can use that to help others. And people can say, "Well, you get where I am." Because you've been there.
Cami S:
That wounded warrior kind of idea is so powerful. To have that wisdom and perspective and a little bit of distance from your crucible. Absolutely. I think that that's very empowering. And I feel like part of the natural evolution of why life happens the way it does. So that it produces warriors that can be out there to be present to and lift up and support the ones that are next in line for suffering.
Gary S:
That is an excellent point for us to begin the process. All right. I think I heard the captain turn on the fasten seatbelt sign and it's getting to be time to land the plane. But what you just said, Cami, about having a wounded warrior to help guide people along the process of coming back from their own crucibles. That's your story. So how can listeners who have been part of this conversation, how can they get in touch with you? How can they learn more about Guided Resilience?
Cami S:
Probably the first place to start would be to go to my website at guidedresilience.com. And then there's ways that they can connect with me there. And they can learn about my process and a little bit more about how I work.
Gary S:
Warwick, you had another question. I cut you off. I apologize.
Warwick F:
No, no. That's fine. No. I just want to thank you, Cami. I mean, just the whole concept of Guided Resilience that I think what you're helping people understand that there is hope when you go through a crucible. There is a path back to wholeness, wellness. There is a way to find meaning, purpose in the pain. And really helping people focus on not so much shortcomings but their gifting. Their passions. Their values. It's not a short process. But I love that phrase guided resilience. But with the appropriate help, guide and coaching, the path back, it is possible. You can help. It won't be linear. It won't be easy. But there is hope. So thank you so much for what you do and sharing, and it's very encouraging. I think it's a message people really need to hear.
Cami S:
Warwick, if I may, I think that there would just be one kind of a capstone that I would really love listeners to be able to hear in that they have everything they need, and that they are perfectly whole in the moment they're at. The suffering and pain, woundedness, physical disease, does not separate them from the concept of perfect wholeness in the moment. And so I think that's really important too, because we don't need to postpone. While it is a journey and that's a very important journey, this moment, the way I find myself now, is I have everything I need and I can be perfectly whole.
Gary S:
Now that, what you heard listener, was the plane hitting the runway. That was a great place. That, Cami, was a fantastic bit of encouragement to land on. And I'm going to close us out with some takeaways I think that listeners can pull from this extremely interesting conversation that we just had between Warwick and Cami. One, first one would be lean into love after your crucible experience. The short description of this podcast is you are more than your failures and setbacks. That's how we describe it to people. But it can feel like crucible experiences define you. Whether it's missing out on the state basketball playoffs, or whether it's losing the 150 year old family media dynasty, those things can feel like that's what's defined you.
Gary S:
But the ones you love will remind you there is more to you than your failures and setbacks. Their words and care will help you move beyond your crucible. Second takeaway point from this conversation would be take time for self-care. We all have responsibilities to other people and we all have responsibilities to other projects and things in our lives. But we will not be available for others and other tasks if we don't take care of our own needs. Nurture yourself. This is something Cami said to me, and we didn't say it here but I'm going to get to say it here. Personal reflection is a poverty in our culture. We can change that. We can put money into that account. We can change and make personal reflection something that is rich in our culture.
Gary S:
And the third point, I think, for all of us to remember moving forward is to practice guided resilience. To focus on our strengths and our values. When you're going to respond, not really react to difficult circumstances, that's what you should be doing. Including your crucible experiences. Bring your strengths and your values to bear on your crucible experiences. And this is an extraordinarily important point to end on. Take your time. It does not have to be fast. Many times it won't be fast. So thank you listener, for joining us on this episode of Beyond the Crucible. We'd ask, Warwick and I would ask that you do us a little favor. On the podcast app in which you're listening right now, please click subscribe. That will help us reach more people and it'll help ensure you that you will not ever miss an episode of this podcast going forward.
Gary S:
So until the next time we're together, remember that crucible experiences are something we pretty much all have in common. They're painful. They can knock us off the trajectory of our lives, but they're not the end of our stories. They are, in fact, if we learn the lessons of them, apply the lessons of them. Apply some self-care. They can be the best new chapter of our lives. That does not mean that that chapter is going to be written quickly. It may not be a novella. It may be a James Michener novel. It may be a long book. But those books will be written and they will be the most rewarding chapters and books of your life because where they end up, the last page of that book, brings you to a life of significance.
It can make a professional paper cut feel like a full-fledged crucible. It leaves you wondering why you and your work are never good enough. But perfectionism, for all its insidiousness, can be overcome. Show yourself some grace, find the humor in your missteps and realize that good enough usually is, in fact, good enough.
Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.
👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/
Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome, everyone, to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the show, and the communications director for Crucible Leadership. You have clicked play. We hope you've clicked subscribe to a podcast that deals in what we call crucible experiences. Now, you probably know what they are because you've probably experienced one. Crucible experiences are those painful moments in life, failures, setbacks, traumas, tragedies, some things that can happen to you, some things that you can have a hand in making happen, but their common denominator is that they can knock the wind out of your sails. You can be moving along a line in your life, a crucible experience can come along and knock you off your feet, knock you off your trajectory. They are truly life-changing moments.
Gary S:
And that's why we talk about them here. But we talk about them here on Crucible Leadership not so that we can kind of swap war stories, we talk about them here so that we can find hope and healing through the experience of other folks who have gone through them, and through the insights and the experiences of the host of the program and the founder of Crucible Leadership, and that man is Warwick Fairfax. Warwick, it's great to be here again with you, talking about a subject that we both know all too well.
Warwick F:
Absolutely, yep. Happy to be here. This is a subject I'm sure we both wish we didn't know so well.
Gary S:
Indeed. In fact, the subject that we're going to talk about today is perfectionism. I'm already feeling the burden of that, because I wanted to say in the introduction that I'm with Warwick, not welcoming Warwick like I'm the host of the show, because I'm not, Warwick is the host of the show, I'm the co-host, and I want to make that clear, and I didn't quite do it the way I wanted to do it. So there you go. Perfectionism rearing its difficult head. To kick off our conversation, Warwick, I thought I would start with something you wrote. And listener, there is a blog that Warwick has on this subject, and sometimes when Warwick and I do these episodes where there's not a guest, it's just the two of us talking about principles of crucible leadership, many times the ideas for these podcasts grow out of a regular blog that Warwick writes for crucibleleadership.com. You can visit crucibleleadership.com, sign up to receive regular email updates, which will include his blogs. But here on the subject of perfectionism is the opening paragraph of the blog that Warwick has penned on this subject.
Gary S:
"Perfectionism is a struggle that so many of us have. No matter what we do, it seems like it's not good enough. Other people might say our work was great, that dish came out really well, we played amazingly in that game, but what do we say to ourselves? 'Well, our work could have been better. We knew we should have added that one spice that would have taken that dish to the next level. Okay, we might have played all right, but there was that one crucial opportunity in the game that we did not take advantage of.' Those affected by perfectionism, for us, the glass is perpetually half-empty. We are never satisfied with our performance." I'll add by way of turning it over to Warwick, I don't even sometimes think the glass is half empty. I sometimes just think the glass is a dirty dish, and I'm the one that got it dirty.
Warwick F:
Boy, that is so well said. Half empty would seem to be optimistic, wouldn't it? Perfectionism is insidious. We get so self-critical, and we'll talk about the ramifications later, but it can make us risk-averse, it can make us think no matter what we do, we fail. It just can erode our sense of self-confidence, our ability to accomplish things, it can affect our relationships. I mean, it's really an insidious thing.
Gary S:
One of the reasons that we're talking about this today is that you and I both have had, in the last couple of weeks, circumstances, situations that occurred where we kind of beat ourselves up or were kind of perfectionistic about, and it occurred to you, "That might be a really good blog to write for folks," and then it occurred to us, "That might be a really good podcast." So this comes from, in the same way that Crucible Leadership, and I'm not overstating this, I'm not being glib, in the same way that Crucible Leadership was birthed from your major life crucible of the failed takeover of the family media company. Just like that birthed Crucible Leadership, some experiences that you've had over the last couple of weeks, some experiences that you've had throughout your life, very real experiences with perfectionism kind of prompted the blog I just read for and the podcast that we're having right now.
Warwick F:
Absolutely. Perfectionism can run the gamut from the small seemingly trivial incidents to the major. And I can think of some recent, some not so recent, let's start with the trivial. We're in Northern Michigan at the moment and we were going to go on a bike ride on this just beautiful trail. And there's three adult kids and my wife. So we've got to figure out how to put the car carrier on the car for the bikes. And of course we need more than one car because we can only put three bikes on a car carrier. So there's a bit of a logistical, we'll figure it out. So we figured it all out. Then we made sure we had everything. So we get there and everybody has their bike helmet, except me. What you need is a bike and a bike helmet. Because safety first, even though it's a trail through the wilderness and tunnels of trees, it's just beautiful. And I'm one of these people that double, triple check. I rarely forget things. I mean, I'm not infallible, but for some reason it was like a 20 minute drive back to the house. I was just crucifying myself. So what ended up happening? Because you can always use another bike helmet and some of them probably in the world.
Warwick F:
We went like a two minute drive to the nearest town that had a bike shop, got a bike helmet. But meanwhile, that's delaying everybody. They're waiting for me. It's like, "Dad, I mean, come on. I mean really, I mean bike helmets." And they're okay. But I was just, at least certainly for that day, I don't know about the next day, I was like, "How hard is it? Pick up the bike helmet and put it in the car." I could have swore I did it. Maybe somebody'd taken it out and you get a bit crazy paranoid sometimes when you're a perfectionist, so I got over it, but I was so angry at myself, because I'm delaying people. I'm feeling stupid. So that's sort of one incident. I can think of another incident, when I'm not much of a boating guy, but we were driving this boat back into a hoist, which when there are waves on Lake Michigan, you need a hoist to raise it above the storms.
Warwick F:
And there was a couple of kayakers out there watching us pull into a dark area, but they were way too close. And so right where I wanted to line myself up, they were in the way. And so what ended up happening with all the [stack 00:09:55] people on the boat is I came at the wrong angle and I kind of scratched the side of the boat and because of the way things work you have to wait until you winterize. It was going to be weeks or couple months before anything could be done. And I persecuted myself, beat myself up for days, maybe even a couple of weeks or more and stuff happens, but it's like, "Oh, I should have told the stupid kayak people who I was pretty ticked at, I don't know who they are, move out of the way but I didn't think about it." And it's like, "I should have been more careful. I should have this, should have this, should have that." And it just went on and on and on.
Warwick F:
Probably one that felt a little bit more serious was International Coach Federation certified coach. And one of the things we do every few years is get re-certified and you go through a mentor coaching thing just to make sure your skills are sharp. And so at one point I was doing that. And so we each take turns coaching each other. And I like even though I don't do as much coaching now cause of Crucible Leadership, I like to think I'm reasonable, if not pretty good. And for whatever reason, the technology just wouldn't work. There was an echo. And so I was like about 15 minutes late, everybody's waiting, finally get on. I'm flustered. And the person I was coaching, maybe we had different mindsets and I just could not get off a space. As a coach, if things don't work out, you always blame yourself. That is part of the profession. You never blame the client, even when you're tempted to. But it was really, I like to think I'm a good coach, but it was not that good because I was trying too hard.
Warwick F:
Because we weren't able to make progress, I was pushing and pushing and pushing, which you should never do as a coach. You should never [earn 00:09:25] it. So the reason, and I berated myself for days, a week or two, because this felt worse than some of the others because I like to feel like I'm a good coach, but it wasn't my best day. And even though you can say, even when you're good at something, you're not going to bat a thousand, I was just beside myself with, I mean, to a degree that's overstating it, but there are also other people listening. It's a mentor coaching deal. And they were able to observe my poor performance.
Gary S:
Perfect storm.
Warwick F:
And of course, in other weeks when other people coached, they were unbelievable. So I thought, "Okay, good, out of this cohort, I'm probably had the worst. Yeah. So what did people think of my level of coaching?" So yeah, I mean we all have our bad days and nobody else really cares. People understood the whole technology thing threw me a bit. And but yeah, I tend to be really hard on myself with perfectionism.
Gary S:
And there was an interesting point you made, as you were introducing some of the first of those stories, I think, or the second one, there was an interesting point you made where you talked about, And I hadn't thought about until just now, but the reach of perfectionism is sort of like burning the candle at both ends, meaning you mentioned, "How hard is it to remember to bring a helmet? There's one of two things you have to do. You have to have a helmet and you have to have a bike. I blew 50% of that. I didn't have a helmet." So there's the, what we would call, ruminating over, "Oh, how did that happen? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that?", about what happened before the incident that leads you to feel perfectionistic, but then there's the projection into the future. And I have never told you this story, Warwick, but I'd already been working for you for several months when we had a meeting in Denver where we all got together along with Signal, the folks at your branding agency that were all big. I was still new to the team, but I was comfortable with the team. I knew that the team would have grace for me, but I was to give a presentation the morning after I arrived in Denver.
Gary S:
And while I was preparing for it, I realized I did not bring the little dongle thing that connects my computer to the screen where I could run through this extraordinary presentation in my mind that I had created. I spent, I've never told you this, but I spent, Warwick, at least an hour on the phone in full on panic mode with my wife saying, "Oh my gosh, I forgot. I forgot the thing. I can't do the presentation." And so that was the, "How could I have done that? I have a list of things that I have to have. And I brought four watches for two days in Denver, but I didn't bring the thing so I could do my presentation. How does that happen?" So again, how does it come about perfectionistic about how I blew it? And then the other end of that was perfectionistic about what was going to happen. "I'm not going to be able to do my presentation. Warwick's going to think I'm an idiot. All the folks at Signal are going to go, Oh, why did we ever introduce this guy to Warwick?" And it was.
Gary S:
I mean, Kelly, my wife could come out right now and say, "Yep, he's telling the exact truth," because it was so all encompassing. I could not see my way beyond what I had done wrong and what the ramifications might be. And I was beating myself up. And that is a terrible place to be.
Warwick F:
Yeah, it is. It's funny as you share perfectionist stories with each other, I can say, "Well, I mean, we would have been fine. It wouldn't have been a big deal." You can say, "Okay, so you had one bad day coaching. I'm sure they understood the technology." And other people often can understand much more than we can and are much less willing to judge us. I mean, some people are just judgmental by nature, but most people... But we're just so hard on ourself and we think about how does this show up? And I think at the root of it is we tend to tie our self worth to our performance. And what's ironic as both of us, as people of faith, from our perspective, there's a sense, well, God loves us unconditionally because of who we are not because of what we do. I mean, I go to a nondenominational church in Annapolis, Maryland. I'm even an elder. In theory, I should really know this stuff.
Gary S:
Right.
Warwick F:
And I do intellectually. I get it and I believe it very much, but clearly if I really, really believed it, then maybe my actions and my mindset would be a bit different. So this perfectionism thing, even when you know it's stupid, it runs so deep. I mean it's really complicated. I mean, we tend to compare ourselves with other people, like I did with the coaching thing. Everybody else did the lights out. Me, not so much. So you hear other people coaching and it's like, "Wow, you did fantastic. I mean, I guess I have to think of something to add that you could have done." With me, it was like the other way around. "There's got to be something he did positively." He didn't quite say that, but yeah. So we compare ourselves and we're certainly-
Gary S:
And the truth of the matter for that, Warwick, the truth of the matter is everybody else on that call doesn't even remember what happened. And they probably forgot it like five seconds afterward. And think about this. I hadn't thought about its application to perfectionism until you just told that last story and think about what's one of the most common things we say to someone when they if you're late to a phone call, you'll say, "Hey, I'm sorry I was running late. I had to put the dog out or do whatever it is." Most of the time we'll hear back from the person, "Oh, no problem." Right? Isn't that a very common thing?
Warwick F:
No problem. It's all good.
Gary S:
No worries.
Warwick F:
It's fine. Hey, It's good. Yeah. I mean, exactly.
Gary S:
And I have thought, and now I know why I think this way, I have thought, and I try not to do that with people because I always felt like if someone apologizes, even if I think it's silly, to them it's not silly or they wouldn't have apologized. And if I say, "No problem," I'm not allowing them to close the loop. I'm not allowing them to close that perfectionistic loop. So saying "No problem" to someone doesn't actually help them feel better because they don't feel perhaps released from their sin, their problem that they're talking about. So that's why I think when someone says, "Hey, I'm sorry that happened," rather than say "No problem," which is their reaction. They're not thinking about that, but to just offer back, "Yep. I forgive you. Yep." That helps them close it and that can help them not walk in perfectionism afterward.
Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, you don't have to beat them over the head, but certainly if they said, "I was late," you could say, "I get it. We've all been there. it's really okay," Or yeah, I mean, something like that to acknowledge, but realize that you're not judging them or you're not holding it against them. So yeah.
Gary S:
Right. They say, "I'm sorry," you say, "You're forgiven," or something that speaks to that and that can close the loop and make everything start moving ahead.
Warwick F:
Yeah, it is. I mean, I know we're going to dwell in a bit on what are some tips for counteracting it, but just to explore it a bit more, we compare ourselves and self worth. One of the insidious things about the perfectionism is we tend to want to move the goalposts. No matter what we achieve, it's like, "Okay, well, this was good, but there was another level." So if you're doing some presentation, "This was good. And I need to do A and B better next time." So you do A and B a better next time, you'll find something else. It's one thing to say, "Oh, there's something more I could do better." Great. Perfectionism is no matter how good a job you do, it's never good enough in your mindset. So that means you were doomed to failure always if you take that to its extreme. And it can almost mean anything short of perfection, which, because we keep moving the goalposts, is impossible. We design the game, we design the competition in a way that we can never win. Just when you thought you've got a touchdown, the goalpost are moved another 50 yards. There is no way you could ever possibly win And because we tie our self worth to that, it can just erode our sense of self worth left to its own devices.
Gary S:
And it can be emotionally exhausting. Think of the example you just used. We think we've gotten into the end zone and then we've moved the goalpost ourselves, 50 yards down the road. What's that going to lead to? Hey, it's 50 more yards, it's 50 more yards. There's 25 more yards. You're going to be exhausted physically if you were to do that and you're exhausted emotionally.
Warwick F:
Exactly. And you're going to be exhausted and it will tend to make you risk averse. "What's the point in trying, because I know I'm going to fail at least by my own definition of success and failure?" And the last thing the world needs is it's a bunch of risk averse people that won't go for their goals and their dreams. So actually, back in a Crucible Leadership framework, we're all about living lives of significance, lives on purpose, dedicated to serving others. We're about bringing a vision to reality that comes out of your design and your passion. Well, left to its own devices, a bit like weeds, ff you don't deal with perfectionism, it can mean that life of significance won't happen. That vision won't become reality. I mean, that's serious stuff. So we can joke about or other people might find it amusing anyway about the forgetting the bike helmet or boat or what other little incidents we have, but that kind of mindset, that's just a small manifestation of a larger problem. If left to its own devices, it can get in the way of your dreams becoming reality. So it's a serious thing.
Gary S:
Absolutely. And in those quote unquote small moments, they're not really small if you're perfectionistic about it because perfectionism makes a paper cut feel like a crucible. Perfectionism takes that thing that may be as small as a technological stumble in a coaching session that you really in many ways had nothing that you could've done differently, but that can feel as emotionally draining, as devastating as a true crucible experience the likes of which we talk about on this program all the time.
Warwick F:
Well, and imagine if that's how you deal with the paper cut, how are you going to deal with the real crucible? I mean, Oh my gosh. I mean, as listeners would know from previous podcasts and blogs, for me with the whole $2 billion takeover and losing 150 year old family business in Australia, I mean that is a big deal. It's not a paper cut, it's a massive crucible. And I never thought about it in terms of perfectionism, but because my self worth was so tied up in bringing the company back to the ideals of the founder and seeing it be well managed, for a lot of the 90s, I was just beating myself up mercilessly. I mean, it's sort of a cousin to perfectionism, maybe just self persecution. I guess it depends on the name and two sides of a similar coin, but it was the typical, as one guest we had recently, I think Professor Joseph Badarocco of Harvard Business School, talked about the difference between ruminating and perspective and-
Gary S:
And reflection.
Warwick F:
Exactly, reflection and ruminating. Well, I was doing a lot of both, but certainly a lot of ruminating. It's like, "Gosh, how could I have thought that would work? And I used the wrong advisors rather than the good ones. I didn't listen to the good advice and it's caused damage in my family. I have a Harvard MBA. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have assumed the family wouldn't sell out? How could I have loaded the company up with so much debt? Look what I did to people's lives and the company," and on and on. I was just like, "How could I be so stupid?" So it was that perfectionist mindset rather than an objective thing with, "Yeah, maybe there wasn't so smart," but I was 26, there were emotional things involved with family and stuff that happened to my dad. There were reasons maybe. There was some people with other agendas. It was complicated. Yeah. I made some mistakes, but it was a complex thing. And at 26, other people in that situation, their dad having died, there's a probably more objective nuanced look at it. But yeah, I was in full on self-flagellation, self persecution mode.
Warwick F:
So the long and short of it is when you come to big crucibles, you have a perfectionistic mindset, I mean, it can cause years of damage and despondency and self-flagellation, which is just not healthy for you or anybody else.
Gary S:
And let me ask you this question, Warwick. It's 30, I'm terrible at math, but it's more than 30 years since that takeover bid. Are there still times that you, even for a second, beat yourself up? Are there still times when you think about it? Because you have to live in it every day with Crucible Leadership. Are there still times as you talk to interviewers about it, as you come on the podcast and talk about it, on this podcast and talk about it, are there times that perfectionism still manifests itself in even a fleeting feeling of "Man, I messed that up"?
Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, I'm sure it does. I always believe with crucibles is even if you get over them, there's still a scar. I have to say, it's much less than it used to be. And part of that's because I've had years to think about it. And I talk about this so much because it's part of the cornerstone of the Crucible Leadership origin story, if you will, that it does get easier when you've talked about it for the 10, 20th, 100th time. And you talk about and people ask you, "Well, maybe there were some other things going on and it wasn't all your fault," or you come to accept it. So it's actually considerably less. I mean, it honestly is not nearly as bad as it used to be, which is somewhat of the miracle given how hard I am on myself. So it's really, it's not nothing but it's vastly less than it was, which is amazing.
Gary S:
And this would be a good time because one of my jobs on the podcast is to ensure that we are moving on with alacrity and we keep time And if we don't keep the time exactly where I think we should, then I ended up being perfectionistic and feeling bad about it because I'm like, "Oh geez, that went 10 minutes longer than I wanted it to." So we have talked work, we have talked here just sort of organically about some ways that perfectionism manifests in our lives. Our sense of self worth is tied with how we perform. We compare ourselves to others. Before we start talking about and move on to how do we combat perfectionism, are there any other examples or any other manifestations of perfectionism that you think it's important to share with listeners?
Warwick F:
I mean, I think we've kind of covered it. I mean, we do feel like that everybody else is judging us. We feel like we're defined by our own worst day. And it's just amazing that people aren't really focusing on us. They've got their own issues, their own problems, their own hopes and dreams. Everybody's not wandering around judging us.
Gary S:
Right. I have a quote. Every year when I have a birthday, I'll publish on Facebook. This last birthday was 55 years. So I'll say, "55 things I learned in 55 years." And I started this, I think, back when I turned 50. So I've been doing it for five, six years now. And one of them I always put on there is "I am less than my successes and I am more than my failures." And that's, I think, a good perspective for us to keep. The mountain top isn't our reality every day and the Valley isn't our reality every day.
Warwick F:
I think that's so profoundly true. You kind of know that you can never get over perfectionism, but how you really begin to try to deal with it is what we said at the outset is you cannot tie your sense of self worth to your performance, to your successes or failures as you eloquently say. Just because we score the winning touchdown, we kind of did incredible at that play recital in high school, it doesn't mean that we're the greatest thing since sliced bread, we're the second coming, we're just amazing. And so during those highs, just say, "Okay, be happy," be kind of like "That was great," but don't start thinking, "Oh wow. I'm just amazing."
Gary S:
Yeah. Don't start believing your own press clips, for sure. For sure.
Warwick F:
And the same thing goes for when you have times in which you don't do so good, don't believe you're the worst person that's ever lived, which you can go that way at the extreme. So that's really, it's a choice. It's a discipline. You've got to separate who you are as a person from what you do, what you do isn't who you are. And that requires a seismic mindset shift. It's probably the single biggest thing, and it's easy to say, but you've got to just be disciplined. It's really a daily issue we'll come back to in a moment, but yeah. Separate your sense of self worth and what you do from who you are.
Gary S:
And this idea, and you mentioned it, this reality that really other people who we share a life with, especially other people who just kind of pass through our lives. The other people who may have been on that counseling call that you were talking about, or that coaching call that you were talking about, they may have just been, not even people you know well. They were just people that were kind of passing through your life. They probably don't even remember your name, let alone some of the technical difficulties you had there. But we all think about that. We all think that person's going to think that I'm the dumbest person who ever lived. Well, that person doesn't even know you. "So this idea that other people typically could care less how we are performing at any given time," you write in your blog, "okay, your boss might care. That's true. But in general, if we fall short one day, even by other people's standards, they don't judge us. They see we're trying, and they give us the benefit of the doubt. They appreciate the fact that we're trying."
Warwick F:
And that's where I think a sense of humor is good. I don't always do well at that but if I was wise and more mature, when I forgot my bike helmet, it was, "Well, that was kind of dumb and stuff happens and there was a million details and somehow it didn't happen. Oh, well, the world's not going to end just because I forgot my bike helmet." I got another one. We had a fantastic bike ride. It was a great day. What's the big deal on a scratch on the boat, or as you say, the coaching call. People were like, "Yeah, I might've been flustered and it was a challenging situation and yeah, you pressed in too hard, but yeah, we've all done that." I mean, they were probably full of grace. So just realize how other people thinking about it. I think of another tip that's useful is that, I know it's easy to say, but give it your all and let go of the outcome. We're not defined by our outcomes. What's important is did you try your hardest? Absolutely did in the coaching call. I really tried to lean in, probably tried too hard, but give yourself a break and what I was also going to say is don't hold things too lightly. As I said before it's okay to laugh at yourself. We all have idiosyncrasies. I'm getting better at laughing at my own little foibles and the way of doing things.
Gary S:
Yeah. And it's true. That sense of humor part can be really critical, not only for you to feel better. And I'll give an example from our working relationship, Warwick. One of my roles on the podcast listener is to try to find guests that we can have on to talk to. And I'm looking all over the place in different places. I'm doing searches on failure and bouncing back, and then see who pops up in Google and I'm doing all kinds of stuff. I'm going to podcasts, guest sites to find people. And I'm not batting a thousand every time. I come up with an idea I think might work. And we've had experiences over the year that we've been doing this podcast or close to a year that we've been doing the podcast. I've had experiences where I thought a guest might be perfect And I present that guest to Warwick and Warwick, as the head of Crucible Leadership and my boss in that sense, Warwick will say, "Oh, well that might not work." And it's funny. I feel terrible in those moments, not just like I messed up, but I feel like I let you down when that happens.
Gary S:
But one of the things that I've been able to do, and I've noticed it's happened a few times, thankfully not hundreds of times that I've picked guests, that I've suggested guests that didn't work out, but I've then tried to crack a joke at my expense in a meeting and you'll laugh. And when I see you laugh at my joke about, "Yeah, well, I picked that wrong," or whatever it is, that helps relieve the pressure on me. I see that it's not a huge thing to you. So a sense of humor can help you as an individual feel better about yourself. It can also help you realize that those people you think are judging you, those people you think are mad at you, those people you think will never let you get over it, don't take it nearly as seriously as you think they do.
Warwick F:
They really don't. I mean, that is a good example. I mean, people judge you for your expertise and your effort. I know for me, if somebody is giving it their all and they're not batting a thousand, that's fine. They're making a big contribution. You're going to get a lot of grace points, so to speak, if you've had a history of not just expertise, but just you're all in and maximum effort. I mean, that's so true. I mean, one of the other things I think of with myself and I'm really trying to learn it is what hurts my ability to overcome perfectionism is I'm one of these people that you either do it a hundred percent or not at all. You're in fifth gear or in neutral. I'm hardwired to just absolutely give it my all in whatever I do. And that's not a bad quality, but that can translate into perfectionism. "Oh, I gave it my all and I only did 99% of what I wanted to do."
Warwick F:
And so I've really come to the point where, and this is hard for me to say, 75, 80, 80% or 85%, in a number of cases that's fine. When there's a bunch of things you're doing that's okay. Because for a perfectionist, 75 or 80%'s probably pretty darn good. And it's not that I want to settle, but when you've got millions of things to do, you can't always spend a thousand hours on every blog. Stuff wouldn't get done. So you've got to say, "Okay, I'm going to do the level best I can within a reasonable amount of time," whether it's prepping for a podcast or the book on crucible leadership that'll come out next year. Obviously I'll pay a lot of attention to that, But even then I want to get as close to 100%, but the book will never come out if I spent, to use that number again, a thousand hours reviewing every chapter and every edit. I mean, my gosh, if you go, "Okay, I think this is good enough." It's sounds sacrilegious to say good enough.
Warwick F:
That is just words I never utter, but for a perfectionist, it's okay to say, "You know what? I think, given the timeframe and given everything else that's going on, it's good enough. And I'm going to be okay with that." You've got to force yourself to say sometimes good enough is good enough.
Gary S:
Yeah. And that makes me think, and you mentioned him earlier, our interview with Dr. Joe Badaracco, who in his book about reflecting and the importance of finding time to reflect, that's one of his points. Aim for good enough. And he talked to us about it. We think that in order to reflect on what's going on in our lives and the important decisions we have to make, we think we have to go on a Tibetan retreat. And it's not like that. You can reflect while running. You can reflect while driving in your car. You can reflect anywhere you can do it. Aim for good enough, because if you aim for perfection, guess what? You're never going to get to reflect. If you aim for good enough, you're going to seize those moments that you can do that.
Warwick F:
Well, exactly. I mean, very few of us have time to go to the top of a mountain and reflect for a month. I mean, even though I'm extremely reflective, I don't like doing that. I tend to reflect, I mean, obviously like a number of people of faith, I have my daily quiet time and Scripture reading and all, but just as I'm in the shower, I'm having a walk, I'm reflecting and thinking all the time. That's just part of life. But you reflect and make a decision, but here's a very small example. One of the things we do with the blog is we've got to pick a photo. Well, I don't have 500 hours to spend to approve a photo in a blog. It's not that big a decision. The world won't end if the most perfect photo isn't found. That's a very good example of good enough is good enough. So we spend some degree of time trying to find the one that really fits the words and the concept we're trying to present. And then we make a decision and we move on.
Gary S:
Right. Hearing you talk about that reminds me of something I used to do. Both of us have newspaper backgrounds. I didn't own any, but I was editor for a few. And one of the things I would do on the city desk and the city editor for listeners who don't know is the guy who edits the copy for the local newspaper. He's the first set of content editing eyes on the stuff that goes in your local newspaper. And I used to have a phrase I would use or phrases I would use if I had like 15 stories coming in and I had only three hours to do them. Some stories would get what I called an A1 edit. They were going on the front page of the newspaper and they were going to get three reads through. I was going to read them backwards to make sure there were no typos. They were going to get my A-plus effort. They were going to get a 100%, but I also had what I called my C5 edits. And those were the stories that were somewhat less important that were inside the newspaper. And they got a good effort, but they didn't get three reads.
Gary S:
They didn't get all of that stuff. They got, "Let's get it done. Let's make it as good as it can get and let's move it along the line." So I think that applies in so many areas of our lives. And, as Joe Badaracco said, aiming for good enough is not heresy or sacrilege or giving up or not doing it right. It's recognizing your limitations and acting in a way that allows you to put your best foot forward for the best things that advance what your vision is.
Warwick F:
That's so well said. So for instance, the level of effort that I'm going to give to reviewing a chapter of the book that's coming out next year is going to be more, maybe considerably more, than reviewing a image for a blog That's going to come out and one should receive a whole lot more effort and attention. It's like, to use your analogy, it's the front page story versus something that's going to be on page 35, that's going to have one paragraph and it's going to be buried somewhere.
Gary S:
Right.
Warwick F:
One of the other things I think it would be useful to talk about because being a reflective person and thinking, "Okay, well, we all agree perfectionism is a bad thing. And don't go overboard with your level of effort, depending on the challenge and how important it is." But one of the things I think has helped me is just have a sense of, it's going to sound a little pop cultureish, but sort of daily gratitude. And I don't know, they do it every day, but I kind of, maybe it's a spiritual thing, but I just, in my case, thank God for the many blessings that I have, wonderful wife, three great kids. I love what I do with Crucible Leadership. I have an amazing team. I've got so much to be thankful for. So I try to just look at, somehow when you're so thankful for what's happening, the perfectionistic thing, it shouldn't directly correlate, but I think it can help.
Warwick F:
And I think it's also okay to look back and say, "Okay," not to sort of dwell on the successes to say, "Oh, look how wonderful I am," but just, but just be thankful for the things that you've been able to be a part of. I've been on two nonprofit boards, my kids' school and have been an elder at church, and I've been involved in strategic planning and some governance stuff and coaching. And I've got this book about to come out and love the podcasts we do And the blogs. I have a lot of things that I'm grateful for and some things that I do poorly, but there are some things I actually do well. And that's not said because of hubris or arrogance, but it's like, if you can honestly say to yourself, "I'm actually making a contribution. I'm living a life of significance to best degree possible or at least to a reasonable degree. There are some things I do well, there hopefully are some people I bless and even in some small way, then maybe I'm not a total screw up. Maybe I'm worth something."
Warwick F:
I mean, I know my faith tells me, God loves me irrespective of what I do. I know that. So I need to own that. But objectively, there are some things I do, which is maybe not very spiritual, but objectively that says I'm probably worth something anyway, because there are some things I've done that have been okay, if not good. So therefore if I fall short, why should I beat myself up? So this concept of almost like a daily exercise, gratitude is really and thankfulness, an objective view of who you are, not this jaundiced, "I'm a screw up," because few of us are that bad.
Gary S:
I have this thing I do every night on social media before I go to bed and because I'm a word guy and like to think I'm clever, I call it Grata Today. So it's my gratitude for today. So I'll go on Facebook and I'll type Grata Today, colon, and then I'll just list one thing that I was grateful. For last night, it was how fantastic my wife's chili tasted like eight months after she made it because we vacuum sealed it. So it was like, not only did I get a good meal, but I realized what a great buy was to buy a vacuum sealer. That was my gratitude for the day. Not a big thing, but it was something that I could focus on that made me go, "Yep." Especially in the time of COVID and some of the things that are going on in the country to be able to find those things that you can hang on to and be grateful for, that's extremely important.
Warwick F:
I think it is. And yeah, some other tips for dealing with this, because I fully admit that dealing with perfectionism, this is one tough challenge and speaking of perfectionism within perfectionism, but I think of dealing with perfectionism, like weeding, is you really got to be very disciplined. So when you feel that sense coming that, "Oh, here we go." It could be a small issue or even a big, but a small issue. You just feel those feelings. Two or three thoughts. One is even if it's something little, like "I forgot the bike helmet," somebody like me, I'll say to myself, "Okay. I know I'm beating myself up today, but tomorrow's another day and I probably feel better tomorrow because I can't magically switch off my feelings." Just give yourself a break, realize it could take a day or so and that's okay. That almost eases the tension. And then sometimes what I do is in my case, talk to Gail, my wife, or if it's something to do with Crucible Leadership, I might chat to some people on the team. With this whole coaching thing, I think I've mentioned it behind the scenes to a number of folks that I work with and somehow it makes it easy to deal with. They say look, "I get it. We've all been there."
Warwick F:
And when you have that empathy and they're walking with you, a combination of time and being able to talk it through with others, even if they say the predictable, "It's okay. We've all been there," that level of empathy and understanding that definitely helped with the whole coaching incident. So bottom line is be proactive. Don't let those weeds grow. Deal with it. Yes. It'll take time. And when you feel those feelings come up, just try to bang them away, just squash them. It's like, "Okay, I'm not defined by this. I know it's stupid. Stuff happens." Talk it through with others and just try to be disciplined and not let those emotions take hold and just be objective about it and not defined by forgetting a bike helmet or a poor coaching performance.
Warwick F:
Think of all the other things that you're doing. Come on, be objective, be realistic, laugh at yourself for being so silly and so hard on yourself. Talk it through with others. There are practical things that are not going to switch those negative emotions off overnight, but they will help. There's no question in my mind. There are things you can do that will help.
Gary S:
Absolutely. And that is a good point, Warwick, where I would talk about landing the plane, because I'm perfectionistic about timekeeping, and I'm like, "Oh, no. I don't want to run too long." But here's something I've never told you as well about my perfectionistic streak. Go back, listener, and listen to the last five minutes of any podcast you want up until the last couple of ones. And when I say, "We're getting to the point where we have to land the plane," and I'll say, "The captain's turned on the fasten seatbelt sign. The landing gear's going down." I've also said this, "I see the guys on the runway, waving those flashlights." I said that five or six, seven, eight times, until Kelly, my wife, over dinner one time, said, "You realize you say that, but they don't do that when the planes land because they'd get hit by the planes." She said, "They don't do that. That's not a sign of landing the plane, sweetie. That's a sign of getting the planes lined up to take off and stuff."
Gary S:
And I'm like, "Ooh, boy, do I feel stupid that that's out there on 25 podcasts." So have grace for me, listener. Yeah, but as we wrap up, Warwick, I think one of the places to go to that I think is critical for all that we've talked about and that is this idea of being able to forgive yourself when you have done those things that have kicked in your perfectionistic cycle. And I want to read something that I found from Psychology Today that talks about the power of forgiving yourself and how you do it. The first line of this really struck me. It says, "When we've done something quote unquote wrong, we register it in our nervous system and if we try to forgive ourselves for something without releasing the underlying emotion or belief that we've attached to it, forgiveness just doesn't take. No matter how hard you try to forgive, you continue to beat yourself up for whatever happened, because your nervous system tells you to."
Gary S:
So you really have to release that negative emotion, those things that you talked about. Over time you were able to release, to talk through, what happened with the takeover. You were able to talk to members of the team about the coaching kerfuffle. It's really important, in forgiving yourself, to let that release go, because your nervous system, there's a physical, emotional thing that happens when you hang onto feeling like you were wrong and you messed up.
Warwick F:
And not only are you going to dwell on it, but it will stop you doing positive things in the future. It will be like a 10 ton weight. It will stop you taking risks. It will stop you moving forward. I might make that mistake again, so it's important to forgive yourself, and if it's a small issue, you need to forgive yourself for forgetting a helmet, well, maybe you do if you're beating yourself up for it and think you're a terrible person, but you've just got to be disciplined and deal with, realize we all make mistakes. I mean, if you're willing to show grace to others, and most of us are, then isn't it reasonable that you should deserve as much grace as you're willing to show others? It just makes no sense, so you just got to be disciplined and not let those negative, perfectionistic voices take root. As we said before, sometimes good enough is good enough and we're all going to have the bike helmet incident or "I can't believe I thought it was flashlights landing the plane." It's like, we're not pilots.
Gary S:
Right.
Warwick F:
If you were a pilot, you would never make that mistake, but we're not pilots and that's okay. Maybe there's a couple of pilots listening to the podcast who go, "Pff. That's, come on, really?" But even then, who cares? I mean, they're not going to unsubscribe to the podcast because you mentioned flashlights rather that something else.
Gary S:
I certainly hope not.
Warwick F:
If they do, then oh, my gosh, what's their problem? But, yeah, I mean, we just need to have a bit more sense of humor and just lighten up on ourselves, which we just need to.
Gary S:
Well, the plane has landed and there were no men or women on the runway with flashlights when that happened. I want to conclude this one, Warwick, differently than I normally do. Normally I'll say, "Here's three or four takeaways you can get from the show." I'd like challenge listeners to do a little something off of this episode, and that is to take what you've heard as Warwick and I have had this discussion and apply it. Forgive yourself if you are still ruminating on something that went wrong. Recognize that you are less than your successes and more than your failures. Find something you've heard here and put it into practice. Take that first step. We interviewed a guy on the show, Mike Valentine, he used to be a steel hanger. He would walk the steel in the skyscrapers and he would talk about what you learn when you're walking steel on a skyscraper that's being built is that you got to take the first step, because if you don't get that one right.
Gary S:
You've got to take the first step carefully. You've got to take the first step intentionally, because there's no second step if the first step's wrong. Take that first step, listener. If you've heard anything in this conversation about perfectionism that resonates with you, take the first step to arrest it, to overcome it. And here's the thing. I'll leave with this. You don't have to be perfect about how you release your perfectionism. It's a process. What Warwick and I have described here is a process. It's okay to have that process play itself out. Thank you for spending time with us as we've had this conversation and remember that your crucible experiences, be they big, major ones that everybody would recognize as crucibles or maybe some of your crucible experiences are those paper cuts that feel like crucibles because you can't let go of a feeling of perfectionism surrounding them, whatever those crucible experiences are, they're your crucible experiences. Your pain is just that, your pain, and it's real to you.
Gary S:
But remember that if you learn the lessons of those crucibles, if you don't wallow in those crucibles, and you apply those lessons, it's not the end of your story. In fact, it can be the beginning of the next chapter of your story, which will be the best chapter of your story because it will lead to something that Crucible Leadership exists to point you toward and that is a life of significance.
Perfectionism is a struggle so many of us have. No matter what we do, it seems like it is not good enough. Other people might say our work was great, that dish came out really well, we played amazingly in that game. But what do we say to ourselves? Our work could have been better. We knew we should have added that one spice that would have taken that dish to the next level. We might have played OK, but there was that one crucial opportunity in the game that we did not take advantage of. For us the glass is perpetually half empty. We are never satisfied with our performance.
Wanting to do your best is great. But when no matter what we do, it is never good enough, it can lead to a cycle of perfectionism. We keep striving, but it is never good enough, so we strive harder, and it is still not good enough. This perfectionism cycle means we are perpetually disappointed and frustrated, perhaps even ashamed. It can lead to knots in our stomach, and it can even affect our health; certainly it taxes our mental and emotional well-being.
Here are some of the manifestations of the perfectionist syndrome:
We are way harder on ourselves than we are on other people.
We constantly move the goal posts, so no matter what goal we achieve, we make the target even harder to reach, ensuring that success as we define it is impossible.
Anything short of perfection (as we define it) means we feel we are a bad person, unworthy, in effect.
We feel other people are judging us, looking down on us and criticizing us for falling short.
We continually compare ourselves to others, particularly in things we are not as good at, and they are great at. Hardly a fair fight.
The worst-case scenario is when we fail or fall short in an area that we feel we are particularly good at. That really hurts.
For perfectionists, with quite a few of us being locked in at home during COVID-19, it means that doing our best just got that much more difficult. But do we give ourselves a break? Of course not. We are perfectionists. There are no second chances, no do-overs. Just the clear subconscious expectation that we will fall short.
So what are some tips for overcoming perfectionist syndrome?
5 Tips to Overcome Perfectionism
1. Do not tie your self-worth to your performance. That is one of the biggest causes of perfectionism. Realize that we all have intrinsic self-worth as human beings. From my faith perspective, God loves us because of who we are not what we do.
2. Other people typically could care less how we are performing at any given time. OK, your boss might care. But in general, if we fall short one day, even by other people’s standards, they don’t all judge us. If they see we are trying and giving it our best, then that is what they value.
3. Give it your all, and then let the outcome go. If we have given it our all, win or lose, succeed or fail, that is all we can do. We need to be satisfied with the outcome at that point.
4. When you fall short or make a mistake, understand what happened. If there are lessons to learn, learn them. If there are people we might have adversely affected, figure out what happened and why and if there is anything we can do better next time. Then forgive yourself and move on.
5. Have a sense of humor. We all have traits we wish were different. We might be impatient, or messy, or hyper organized to the point where we get annoyed if anything is out of place. Be able to laugh at yourself, when these sorts of things happen. It is OK, and we’re OK.
Remember, being so hard on ourselves might mean we become more risk-averse. There might be times when we want to go for it, but our perfectionistic risk-averse nature might us hold back. We don’t need that. The world does not need that.
We all have days when we fall short. We are not defined by those days. Sometimes we can feel like they are our worst days – and we’ll never be able to completely move past them. But we have intrinsic value and worth. Our performance does not define us. When you sense those feelings of inadequacy are creeping up, be disciplined. Like weeds rising up, pull out those negative perfectionistic thoughts. We will not go there! We have value! We have worth!
Reflection
In what ways does your perfectionist attitude manifest itself?
What’s the biggest way your perfectionistic tendency holds you back?
What’s one thing you can do today to let go?
To explore Beyond the Crucible resources, including our free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment, visit beyondthecrucible.com.
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👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/
There never seems to be enough time to finish all your work — let alone think about it, especially when crucibles hit. Harvard Business School professor Joseph Badarocco says that’s because we view reflection all wrong. It doesn’t need to be a mountaintop experience, he writes in his new book, Step Back: How to Bring the Art of Reflection into Your Busy Life. It can be a mosaic pursuit, one you find time for in the margins of your life — while driving, exercising, doing household chores. He also discusses an earlier book, Leading Quietly, spotlighting the benefits of not always aiming to be the hero in your leadership.
Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.
👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/
Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome everyone to this episode of Beyond The Crucible. I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co host of the show and the communications director for Crucible Leadership. You have clicked play on. We hope you've clicked subscribe to, a podcast that deals in what we call crucible experiences. Those are those moments in life that can sometimes be failures, can sometimes be setbacks. Can be tragedies, traumas that happen to you. Things that you have a hand in maybe bringing about yourself. What they have in common though is that they are painful and they can knock the wind out of your sails.
Gary S:
They can change the trajectory of your life. The reason why we talk about them on Beyond The Crucible is sort of hinted at, well actually spelled out pretty clearly in the title of the podcast. We talk about crucible experiences to help you move beyond those crucible experience. To learn the lessons of them, and to apply those lessons to your life going forward as we like to say in crucible leadership so that you can pursue and grab hold of a life of significance.
Gary S:
With me as always, and actually I'm with him is more appropriate to say because he's the host of the show and he's the architect of Crucible Leadership. He is the man who created it all. That is Warwick Fairfax. Warwick, we've got an excellent episode. Once again, I'm going to be the dumbest person on this call.
Warwick F:
Not at all. I'm actually looking forward to it. It's going to be great.
Gary S:
The reason I say that listener is that both the and our guest are graduates of the Harvard Business School. Our guest today is Dr. Joseph Badaracco. Joseph Badaracco is the John Shad professor of Business Ethics at Harvard Business School. He has taught courses on business, ethics, strategy and management in the school's MBA and executive programs. Badaracco is a graduate of St. Louis University, Oxford University, where he was a Rhodes Scholar and Harvard Business School, where he earned an MBA and a DBA.
Gary S:
He has written several books on leadership, decision making and responsibility. These include Defining Moments: When Managers Must Choose Between Right and Right. Leading Quietly: An Unorthodox Guide To Doing The Right Thing. Questions of Character, The Good Struggle and Managing In The Gray. His latest book, right here if you're watching us on YouTube is Step Back. That was published this month. The subtitle to Step Back is How To Bring The Art Of Reflection Into Your Busy Life.
Gary S:
These books, very interestingly, have been translated into 10 languages which gives you an idea of the wisdom that's out there and how far spread that wisdom is going. Warwick I know you're excited about a couple of the books that Joe has written.
Warwick F:
Absolutely. Well, Joe, thank you so much for being here.
Joe B:
Sure. Glad to be here.
Warwick F:
Obviously we have Harvard Business School in common. I was there late 80s. I didn't realize until I looked at your bio, we also have Oxford in common because I did my undergrad there. I wasn't a Rhodes scholar. I was... Most Australians when they go they're graduate students but I guess my dad and few other relatives went there so I went as an undergrad. That was fun too. But yeah, so I love the strands in your book. We're going to focus particularly on Step Back, the art of reflection which I love to get into because I'm a very hyper reflective person.
Warwick F:
I might be your target market because reflecting is like breathing. I actually had... It's good to reflect, we actually have to do stuff to which I know you agree with. But Leading Quietly, I also found... Which I want to spend a little bit of time before we get to the main event, Step Back, because I also found that fascinating. But before we get to Leading Quietly then Step Back, tell us just briefly about Joe Badaracco and... Not all the details but what led you to the path that you're in about leadership? Particular philosophy of leadership. It's not the big heroes, but it's incremental. Is there a story behind the themes that are in your books?
Joe B:
Well, first, all of the books do focus on issues of ethics, moral philosophy, very broadly defined and in very practical terms. I'm not a theoretical minded philosopher. As you know Warwick, Harvard Business School aims to train people who were going to take responsibility and do things and get them right. I've been at the school for 35 years. I liked the practical focus when I went there as an MBA. I've enjoyed that both in the teaching I've done and in my writing.
Joe B:
The other thing I guess I'd emphasize is that I tended to look for plausible, but somewhat unusual perspectives on issues that are of importance to a lot of people. Leadership as an example, I think the conventional view that most people have of leadership is heroic leadership. It's often based on political social leaders. But when you think about what happens in most organizations, most businesses, you rarely find people who are versions of Dr. King, Gandhi, Churchill pick your favorite heroic leader.
Joe B:
The unorthodox perspective I wanted to look at was to see whether there were other kinds of leadership that you might discern if you put the heroic model to the side. I think that's something I've done in a variety and most of the things I've written. Now my wife might say, I've actually written the same book over and over again. But I have tried to take an unorthodox view and a pragmatic view of questions.
Warwick F:
That's why I found... That's a particular obviously theme of Leading Quietly, I found that fascinating because I grew up on the other side. I grew up, as the listeners know, very wealthy background in Australia. 150 year old family media business that had the equivalent of York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal, very well respected, thought leaders. But my dad who probably... He wasn't the greatest businessman, he was a good journalist. He actually loved philosophy and history and religion in a broad sense.
Warwick F:
I have some smattering of understanding, but not nearly the level that you or my dad, but he actually had a heroic view of leadership. I was brought up on the other side of great leaders often back then, because of the times they lived in, great men doing great things, whether it's Churchill, Roosevelt, or he particularly loved English heroes. Wellington, and Nelson, all of that. I think probably as you dig into them, in Leading Quietly you use the example of Lincoln where he actually did some pragmatic things we don't often think about. We just tend to think of the Big Hero.
Warwick F:
That was the view of leadership I had. Unfortunately I wished I'd read your book or I wished had been published because that obviously was published in early 2000s. I did my $2.25 billion takeover in 87. 13 years too early or something. It was the classic heroic. I'm not saying you should do this, but it was a classic case study of what not to do and why your books and your philosophy makes so much sense. I helped prove your case not that you need more proof.
Warwick F:
I had this idea of this heroic leader trying to bring back the company to the ideals of the founder. He was a person of great faith and great temperament. Have it be fair. Run well. Did this massive billion dollar takeover and it failed spectacularly as listeners know, too much debt. It caused a lot of family friction. There's a lot of... You say in one of the articles that was written about the time of the book, We Don't Need Another Hero. Harvard Business Review article.
Warwick F:
I love this phrase. In a sense, it feels so apropos to me. It talks about quiet leadership being practical, effective and sustainable. This is the line in the article that you wrote. It says, "Quiet leaders prefer to pick their battles and fight them carefully, rather than go down in a blaze of glory for a single dramatic effort." Well, that was me. I went down in a blaze of glory in a single dramatic effort. If ever there was a case study of why your books matter and why don't do the opposite, it's me. When I'm reading your book, I'm like, yeah, this makes sense I'm afraid. He is right. I'm a case study.
Joe B:
Sorry to hear that.
Warwick F:
I'm case study which proves your point in so many ways. There you go. Talk a bit about... Obviously, I do get it but talk about why quiet leadership is really a more sustainable and better approach even for dramatic leadership over the long run. Why is that a better approach than my kind of guns all blazing single heroic effort.
Joe B:
Sure, I'll answer your question just a brief preface. There's a lot to be learned from heroic leaders and children should learn about them. You learn about virtues like courage and self sacrifice and commitment to larger goals and ideals. I wasn't for a moment trying to dismiss or demean that approach to leadership, just to say that, and this is where I'll answer your question directly. For most people, the world is a complicated, an uncertain place, and they don't have a lot of power.
Joe B:
A lot of people around them have a lot of power and some are using it well, some are using it badly. Some are using it in crazy ways. It's in that world where you want to try to make a positive difference without taking too much money out of the bank, because you've got other responsibilities to yourself, to your family, you want to make a difference. It's in that world where moving incrementally, being cautious, planning, compromising occasionally are really valuable characterological traits and ways of behaving.
Joe B:
Ever since I wrote this book, I thought that someone, not me, but somebody else should write a book that looked at heroic leaders working in their quiet moments. One example would be Dr. Martin Luther King. Now he's renowned for many things, one of which is his I Have a Dream speech. But he might not have given the speech when he did at the end of the march in Washington. He might not even be known for that speech if he hadn't spent a couple of weeks in endless meetings with various civil rights groups who had very different images about how to organize the march, who should do what, who should say what.
Joe B:
That was a lot of behind the scenes, practical, nitty gritty effort on his part. I think you could write a book like that about a lot of the great leaders we focus on their inspiring moments. But those are usually just moments out of long campaigns of serious daily thoughtful, pragmatic effort.
Warwick F:
I think what you're saying is so true because as I read the snippet that you wrote about Lincoln, I'm thinking about the arc of his life. Most successful leaders, the dramatic moment is set out by a lot of incremental moments like the Emancipation Proclamation, I think was in 1863. Lincoln spent about a year trying to figure out okay, what's the right time? It has to be when the North is actually doing well, which in the early part of the war itwasn't.
Warwick F:
Timing was critical because ultimately, you want to succeed and fewer things in American history more important than the abolition of slavery. You can't get it wrong. People don't focus enough on the small incremental acts and building alliances and trying to find the right time and they don't think that the lead up to the dramatic effort I think is your point. It would be a good book, I think, heroic leadership... I mean, it's heroic in terms of taking on these challenges, but how they get there is often in small, incremental steps. Is that a summary?
Joe B:
Exactly. There's one quote in the book. I'm not sure where I got it, but it refers to Navy pilots, so they land jet planes on what apparently look like postage stamps if you're up in the air in one of these planes and you got to land it on this little patch of metal. The saying is that there are no old bold pilots.
Warwick F:
Right.
Joe B:
It takes a lot of practice and care and attention to detail to pull off that feat, again and again and again. I think that saying says a lot for people who want to make a difference but are realists about how the world works.
Warwick F:
Right. I mean, you've talked about nudging and one quote you have, "quiet leadership is a long hard race from an obscure pathways. Not a thrilling spring before a cheering crowd." I mean, it's talk about modesty and humility. One of the things I love is just the everyday cases you talk about. There's many examples. You have a woman who becomes a hospital leader. There's a guy that becomes a bank manager who's boss is really on his back to make cuts quickly and he uses every trick in the book.
Warwick F:
Gee, I got to go to HR and legal. Because he needs to buy time to figure out what's happening. Well that's very practical. Often we're told, in the real world of leadership, if you're in middle management to do things you don't think makes any degree of sense. But saying outright no is typically not a viable path. So you just try to find ways around it. I mean, that's... Those case studies were extremely helpful in helping the reader understand. This is what it looks like in the real world of quiet leadership.
Joe B:
All the individuals in the book and I think the individuals out in the real world are all trying to do something that they believe is important, valuable, even critical and it's for other people. It's not for themselves. It is a kind of morally responsible leadership. But then, once they've decided roughly on what they want to accomplish, how they go about it is often what I described as quiet. The one thing I'd add to, the very good summary you gave is that a challenge of quiet leadership is...
Joe B:
The old saying is virtue is its own reward. Sometimes, you may feel you got where you wanted to go, you blocked something that shouldn't have been blocked. Maybe you get a little credit for it, maybe you don't. There are people in organizations who are good at calling attention to themselves and their accomplishments. Sometimes your accomplishments are smaller than the amount of attention they managed to garner for themselves. If you're operating quietly behind the scenes, you have to really be convinced that what you're doing is worthwhile. As the little passage you read said, there's nobody applauding, often there's nobody watching so you've got to believe in it because it can be a tough sort of lonely road.
Warwick F:
Yeah, I mean, rarely will these leaders you talk about which mostly does go down to the history books. But they know... Talk about virtue being its own reward. Well, you have to believe that here. I mean, I love... We'll switch gears in a minute because I do want to get to Step I love the fact that you talk about character, about restraint, modesty, tenacity. It just feels like at the core of these quiet leaders, is a sort of a modesty of, I don't know everything. I want to learn from the people around me, below me, above me. I want to gather the facts. I want to try to move carefully, diligently.I mean, it seems like investing political capital wisely, this sense of modesty and restraint seems to be at the core of these quiet leaders. This sort of sense of modest character.Yes and I'd add two practical aspects to that. If you're in an organization, let's say you're younger at whatever point. You want to learn to do better. It's easy to focus attention on the stars and every organization has them. But I'd also recommend spending some time looking for people who fit the quiet leadership model. You really might have to look carefully because they don't stand out. But these are people who, after they've been in part of an organization for a while things are better, they move to another part, things are better.Observe them and try to see what they do and how they do it. Back. But I love the fact that you talk about character, about restraint, modesty, tenacity. It just feels like at the core of these quiet leaders, is a sort of a modesty of, I don't know everything. I want to learn from the people around me, below me, above me. I want to gather the facts. I want to try to move carefully, diligently.
Warwick F:
I mean, it seems like investing political capital wisely, this sense of modesty and restraint seems to be at the core of these quiet leaders. This sort of sense of modest character.
Joe B:
Yes and I'd add two practical aspects to that. If you're in an organization, let's say you're younger at whatever point. You want to learn to do better. It's easy to focus attention on the stars and every organization has them. But I'd also recommend spending some time looking for people who fit the quiet leadership model. You really might have to look carefully because they don't stand out. But these are people who, after they've been in part of an organization for a while things are better, they move to another part, things are better.
Joe B:
Observe them and try to see what they do and how they do it. Similarly, if you're promoting hiring, giving bonuses, if you got stars, they've made their quota all the rest, okay, give them their rewards, but make sure you're not overlooking people who in quiet ways, persistent ways are really dedicated to making the organization a better place and give them their reward. Often give them a pat on the back too, because as I said a moment ago, this can be a somewhat lonely path.
Warwick F:
Absolutely, I think last thought here before we shift is, I think of Jim Collins book, Good to Great, which obviously I know you're very well aware of. I can see some commonalities with that thinking in here, because he talks about level five leaders being driven, but yet humble. When they're asked, "What's the key to success?" Well, it's not really me it's my team. I just sit here, I don't really do a whole lot." I mean, I don't think they just try to pretend to be humble, they are. I find it very comforting when the data seem to show that quiet leaders are the ones in the long run that produce the greatest returns.
Warwick F:
I mean, I'm sure when that came out after your book, you felt like gosh this... I want to say validate, it kind of does but there's some cross thinking if you will that's aligned with what you propose.
Joe B:
Yes. For sure. In fact, I think one thing that Jim Collins used to do was he had a list of 10 or 15 CEOs or former CEOs who had produced spectacular returns over a long period of time. He put up the list and he asked people in an executive program, could anybody identify these people? They had trouble.
Warwick F:
These are CEOs typically of large companies.
Joe B:
Exactly but they were not the high visibility sort of mediagenic types.
Warwick F:
Exactly.
Gary S:
We're about to pivot to Step Back. There's one more point. I think there's some connective tissue between Leading Quietly and Step Back in that article that Warwick referred to a little while ago from 2001 that he wished he could have gone back in time like in Back to the Future and read before the takeover. You said something, Joe, in that article that I really think fits into the crucible leadership context and what we're going to talk about next.
Gary S:
This is a line from that 2001 article, We Don't Need Another Hero. "Since many big problems can only be resolved by a long series of small efforts. Quiet leadership, despite its seemingly slow pace often turns out to be the quickest way to make the corporation and the world a better place." What I love about that in a crucible leadership context is two things, one, it says many big problems can only be resolved. The idea of a crucible is a big problem in someone's life. It is a heart stopping moment.
Gary S:
To come back from your crucible, there is going to be a series of small decisions, small learnings, small applications you have to do. Then the back end of that quote about making the corporation and the world a better place. Everything that Crucible Leadership's about, everything Warwick is about, is guiding people toward leading a life of significance. That's defined by Crucible Leadership as a life on purpose that that makes the world a better place. I just think it's fascinating that that idea of leading quietly can be such a critical part. Needs to be such a critical part about how we learn from our crucibles and bounce back. Is that fair Warwick?
Warwick F:
Yeah, I mean, one of the things we talked about in Crucible Leadership, it's leading at all levels. From a large CEO of a for profit or executive director of a nonprofit, or a community leader that maybe want to reclaim their park and make it safe for local neighborhood kids. It's leading at all levels. There's most leaders you've never heard of but it's the character and combined with the drive of a vision that's larger than themselves. It's focused on others that's really the leaders we love to focus on.
Warwick F:
Let me shift gears here because your most recent book, I also found really fascinating this whole concept of Step Back and reflection. As listeners probably would know, I'm a very reflective person by nature. I'd almost say hyper reflective. I mean, I do actually get things done, but I find reflecting just my natural mode. I'm always thinking. I'm probably not exactly the target market because I have no trouble finding time to reflect. I just do it like breathing. If I'm in the shower, if I'm walking, if I'm going upstairs. I mean, I'm always reflecting on something.
Warwick F:
But most people are not like me. It's probably fortunate. Talk about this book, I find it fascinating because your average business organizational leader is going a million miles an hour as you point out technology just gets ever more complex and quicker every day. Few people have time to go to a monastery for a month or someplace. Mountain top in Tibet. I mean, that's just not something that people do or even want to do. Talk about why you wrote Step Back and the whole art of reflection. What prompted you to write this book?
Joe B:
Well, I can't point to a particular catalyst. However, probably like you and like a lot of my colleagues, and a lot of people listening, we advise other people to reflect if somebody is talking to us about a difficult issue. We feel we should reflect and typically feel we should be doing more of it than we do. But no one who gives us advice to reflect typically says what reflection is, how to do it, how to find time to do it.
Joe B:
I simply wanted to see what reflection meant for people who really were busy and couldn't, as you said go up to the mountain for a month or something like that. The first part of the research was simply exploratory. I started interviewing people who were on the HBS campus, in most cases for our executive programs. Come to my office for an hour. The interesting thing is that they would, in many cases, come in and sort of apologize.
Joe B:
They'd say, "Look, I'm sorry, I just don't think I'm the right person because I don't really do much reflecting." We would talk a little bit and I would say, "Well, what do you think reflection is and are there any times you do a little bit of it?" We kept the conversation going for a while. Then what I did with the early interviews was I arranged to meet them again for another interview about two weeks later. In the middle, I sent them an email and I said, "Did you do anything the last hour or so that looked like reflecting?"
Joe B:
What they found was that while they didn't go off for an hour every morning and reflect on a biblical passage and then write in a journal, they were reflecting at lots of different brief points over the course of a day or a week. In some ways, Warwick, a little bit like your description of yourself. Taking a walk, in the elevator, taking a shower.
Joe B:
I continued the interviews, I felt I was finding something interesting. I ultimately, after interviewing about 100 people said, it's time to write something down. What the book does is contrast what I call mosaic reflection with classic reflection. Classic reflection is you got a lot of time, it's deliberate. You find a place that's tranquil, you talk about the big issues, you think about the big issues in life. Mosaic is you do it when you can, you do it fairly often. It's brief and the book is essentially advice on how to do mosaic reflection well.
Joe B:
How to find time to do it by looking, for example, at how these very busy people found time to do it. Then using the time well. I base that on readings of classics about reflection. The classics really define what reflection is. The interviews with these busy people showed me a lot of different ways to find time to do it. That's how the thing ultimately came together. To answer your original question Warwick, when I started out, if the first 10 people said, "I have no idea what it is and I never do it." That would have been the end of the project. There was this interesting thread and I kept pulling on it and found more and more.
Warwick F:
Yeah, that's true. Even for me who is about a reflective a person as exists, I think a lot of things I'm poor at, rightly are wrong and it's why I have to reflect, but when I think about it, I think your concept of mosaic reflection, not only is it more effective, or more efficient, I think it's also more effective. Because I'll often... I'll be thinking about something. What I typically do is I'll reflect like you talk about in the book, I'll talk about it to relevant people.
Warwick F:
If it's on my team, hey, we're thinking about this new direction? I'm not sure. What are your thoughts? I'm both an external processor and an internal. I have to have both. What I find is, I talk to people, gather information. I mean, it's right out of your book without even... Hadn't realized it until I read your book. Then I process, then I reflect. Gathering the information, allows me to reflect better and then I move and I act, and new evidence and new data and new experiences happen, then I reflect again. If I was on a mountain reflecting for a month, I'm not saying it's wrong, but it feels less effective then ask, act, investigate, examine, reflect. It just feels a more effective way to get deeper. It sounds counterintuitive. Does that makes sense?
Joe B:
It makes a lot of sense, not just to me, but to a number of the people I interviewed who said that they are making these decisions, lots of little ones, occasional big ones. They know people are observing them, drawing inferences from what they do, what they don't do. They need to stop frequently, if only briefly and try to calibrate and see if they can get that right. These brief moments of stepping back are of valid and cumulatively quite important form of reflection.
Joe B:
There's also by the way, I interviewed a few people who said they tried to go to the mountain approach. Just sitting for half an hour, meditate just drove them crazy. They couldn't do it.
Warwick F:
It's funny you say that because even me, I had no desire to go to a mountaintop or a monastery and sit there reflect forever. I'm very reflective, but it's like, it drives me nuts. Maybe I'm not patient enough but some people do do that. Good for them but I don't know how you do it.
Joe B:
I think people in my experience, and in the interviews, they're just different. One of the pieces of advice right at the beginning is if you want to do a better job of reflection, over a couple days or a week, observe yourself and just notice the times when without making an effort. You sort of step back, you pause, you think things over a little bit. For some people it's driving in the car. Exercise, taking a shower, conversation with the right person. In the book, had their own mosaic pattern of when and how they reflected and they were different. You really have to observe yourself and see what works for you.
Warwick F:
Talk about some of the methods because you have particular methods in here like piggyback reflection, having the right conversation, downshift, metal meandering. Talk about this practically so that the listeners understand. Talk about some of the techniques. Some might fit but some may not. What are some of the techniques that you suggest?
Joe B:
Well, there was a vast variety, but there were some patterns. As I mentioned a moment ago, a surprising number of people reflected while they were driving. This was slow traffic, bumper to bumper, but they had ways of dictating thoughts. Some of them assign themselves questions before they got in the car, turn the radio off. One guy kept a notepad. This wasn't just seeing what comes to your mind while you're driving. This was somewhat systematic.
Joe B:
For some people while they exercised. In a couple cases, they would say I've got something I want to think through. I'll just sort of run for 10 minutes, clear my mind, and then I'll try to come back to it, see what occurs to me. See if I can make any progress. A surprising number of people, if you view reflection as a solitary activity, and that really is the classic model, said there's somebody in my life or somebody at work and when I'm with this person, there's just a different climate in the room of some mutual understanding, trust, and I can talk aloud, make some progress.
Joe B:
Those were some of the mainstream approaches. People also in many different instances would write but that conjures up writing in a journal every morning or every evening. It's not the case. Some people took notes on a computer file. Some people every couple of weeks if they came across a good quotation would write that in the book. Others did keep journals. One woman who is an engineer by training, she said, when I've got a hard problem I actually get out a spreadsheet. I just sort of organize my thoughts on spreadsheet.
Joe B:
One guy had a big sizable whiteboard in his office, difficult problem, he would just doodle. He tried to draw pictures. You've got to sort of figure out what works for you. One CEO of a big company, everybody listening would recognize it said that when he had a hard problem and just wasn't getting anywhere, he would close the door to his office and put on some of his favorite broad way show tunes. He mentioned a couple of them. He said he listens to them. This was just blasting his head to clear out every thing that was in there for a while, to see if he'd come back to it fresh.
Joe B:
There was just an amazing range of... Some people was time in a hot tub every couple days, but they found their own pattern. Then you got to spend the time well. That's the other thing I emphasize in the book. But first, you got to find the time that works for you.
Warwick F:
I mean, that's true. I mean, I probably have done most of those things being a reflective person. For me, sometimes I'll come... We might be going... This happened just yesterday, potentially going in a slightly different direction and what we do at Crucible Leadership. We're having a meeting and something was troubling me that I couldn't really identify it at the time, but I knew okay I need to get in touch with this rather than just say yes and plow ahead.
Warwick F:
Anytime you feel troubled or disconcerted to me that's a yellow light that says you need to reflect in some fashion, pick your favorite tool, but don't ignore that slightly troubled spirit. I chatted to a couple folks on my team and one of the things... Not only do I reflect internally, but by talking to somebody else, sometimes if it's about something with my kids or family, I'll talk to my wife and I'll say, "Hey, I feel troubled, angry, fearful. I have no idea why. Help me figure it out."
Warwick F:
We'll dialogue and by dialogue, she knows me and so she... How about this? How about that, and by the time we're done, 90% of the time I've figured it out. Once I know what it is then I can figure out what to do about it. But certainly for me, conversations, with the relevant people, I find very, very helpful to figure out okay, why am I troubled? Does that make sense?
Joe B:
It makes an immense amount of sense. I didn't focus on the way our brains work in the book. I read a few things in passing. But our unconscious minds do an immense amount of information processing. It's not just like applying algorithms to data. There's all sorts of stuff going on involving feelings, thoughts, images and all the rest. Sometimes there is something trying to get out. One of the three classic approaches to reflection used to be called contemplation.
Joe B:
That's the old word for it. I called it downshifting. But it basically says take a break from your to do list from just checking off task after task and see what's either coming up inside you or maybe something going on around you that you're not really paying attention to. See what's there. If you find something, stay with it a little bit. But you've got to slow down. The book starts with a quotation I really like. It was from a guy who founded and continues to run a very successful private equity firm.
Joe B:
He says that he tells the presidents, typically young presidents typically at the small companies he's invested in. He'll be on the board and he'll meet with them from time to time. But he tells them early on that, "Look, if I ever come into your office and I find you with your feet up on the desk looking out the window, I'm going to double your salary."
Warwick F:
That's great.
Joe B:
What he said is he doesn't want them putting out fire after fire after fire, which is the entrepreneur's life. He wants them just to take... Just take a little break. Feet up, look out the window. Let your mind slow down a little bit. See what comes up.
Warwick F:
One of the things I really love and hear, as you talk about some of the classic philosophers and thinkers and you talk quite a lot about Marcus Aurelius, who was a Roman Emperor. I think I looked it up somewhere like 160 to 180 AD. What I find interesting and listeners may not have heard of Marcus Aurelius, but I'm sure as you know, many will have seen the movie Gladiator with Russell Crowe.
Joe B:
That's right.
Warwick F:
Which Marcus Aurelius I think is played by Richard Harris is featured, at least in the movie he made a... Well at least his son became Emperor and not a particularly good one. At least in the movie. He was not his choice but... You write a lot about, even those who may have heard of him and his book Meditations. As you pointed out, he was an active commander, if you will, in this 13 year war against the German tribes which I don't think at the end of the day succeeded.
Warwick F:
It was a pretty tough one. It was one of the few ones that the Roman Empire didn't quite conquer. He was in there in the thick of battle every day and yet he was just very contemplative and talking about living completely conscious and lucid life and give meaning to your entire life. Later on you have a longer quote. I found that example of Marcus Aurelius fascinating because you don't tend to think of moral philosophers, if you will, being people of action, which he was.
Joe B:
Absolutely and I recommend to everyone listening to get a copy of Meditations. It's provided wisdom and guidance for countless people everywhere in all positions, including some very important leaders. As you indicated, Warwick, he was running the Roman Emperor Empire. He was in northern Italy or what subsequently became Germany. There was plotting against him back in Rome. He was fighting a war. He managed to snatch a little bit of time, every few evenings and write just a few lines, which miraculously have been preserved.
Joe B:
This is an example of mosaic reflection, every few nights, just a few lines, not systematic. He was trying to put down what he thought mattered or what was really on his mind at the time. Coincidentally, there was a plague, an epidemic raging during this time. Aurelius may have even died of it. Historians disagree about that. But that's another way in which there's this uncanning relevance of what he wrote reflecting if you're really busy today.
Warwick F:
There's another aspect of contemplation I think about and this will apply differently to different folks. But faith to me is important. There are times which I've done a journal, and not recently, but you write about this in the book about some people of faith do almost what they feel like God telling them. Others may think of it more broadly, and I've certainly had that experience.
Warwick F:
But I do my daily devotional thing. I'm not always consciously thinking about something that I... Some problem I'm grappling with, but as I said to myself, and what you could call more broadly wisdom literature, even though my purpose isn't to accomplish a particular reflective objective. Somehow, I'll just feel like this still small voice you could call it from God, from the universe, from your inner self, however your frame of reference is, but that's happened on numerous occasions.
Warwick F:
Applying it more broadly, whatever your way of getting centered in, maybe it's reflecting some other faith tradition, yoga. Whatever you feel like really centers you, that is so valuable. Because you're not doing it for a purpose other than it calms you down and it centers you. Does that make sense? I find out of left field is like, I wasn't even thinking about this. I wasn't reflecting about it. Where did that thought come from? I mean, it's just wild.
Joe B:
Well it makes complete sense. It's consistent with a lot of what I heard in the interviews. What's important though, for people who are really busy, and a lot of people are even busier now as we deal with this pandemic and homeschooling or whatever is going to happen next month. Is making the time and finding the time, even the short fragments of time. One woman I interviewed had a really good approach to this. She created like most of us do, a to do list every day.
Joe B:
But part of her to do list was a little bit of time for reflection in a way that she thought was valuable. The end of the day or the middle of the afternoon when she was checking things off her list, that was something she wanted to check off. My reaction to that was, well that's interesting, that's sort of moving beyond the to do list to a to live list. Being systematic, people are busy, easily there's a lot of distractions, a lot of pressures. But to try to make sure every day if possible, you do something that broadens you a little bit or centers you a little bit like you were describing.
Gary S:
To pick up on that point. It's a good time because we have... I believe I can see... I can hear the captain turning on the fasten seatbelt sign. We're going to have to land the plane here in a little bit. But the very end of your book Joe, the very end of your book gets to the point of why all of this is so important. For listeners, here at Crucible Leadership, it's why it's so important. Why reflection is so important for you as you're going through your crucible experience. This is the last three sentences in, Step Back.
Gary S:
"Without reflecting, we drift our shape and direct... I mean, others shape and direct us. With reflection, we can understand and even bend the trajectories of our lives." One of the things that fascinates me about that is I never hear the word trajectory in my day to day existence. I just don't. I'm not sure I did it on this episode which is funny, but in almost every episode of this podcast, I talk about crucibles as changing the trajectory of your lives. Here you're saying, with reflection, we can understand and even bend the trajectories of our lives. It seems to me that in moments of hardship and pain and failure, reflection can be even more valuable. Is that true? Is that fair?
Joe B:
I'm sure it's true. Only in a handful of the interviews did I hear people really talking explicitly about crucible moments. I think in many cases, they were referring to them, but they weren't really comfortable being explicit about them. But those are points when reflection is absolutely critical. The only caution I would give is, you've got to make sure that you're reflecting and not ruminating. By ruminating, I mean, going around in the same issues, not really making any progress. You have to have a sense that you're making some progress. Not every day, not every time, but seeing things more clearly, getting a sense of things you want to do differently.
Joe B:
If not, then I think you need to find some ways to break that cycle of rumination because that isn't reflection. And if anything, it can be a diversion from the kind of reflecting you need to do.
Warwick F:
I think you make a very good point Joe. I mean, one of the things is when you're in the middle of the pit, maybe you've either lost a business, health crisis, lost a loved one, been fired, there's all sorts of different crucibles, you're often not emotionally centered. You're not necessarily as rational as you would like to be when you're your best self because unfortunately we're all human. You don't want to make major life decisions when emotionally you're not at your best.
Warwick F:
By all means, reflect but just take time. Try to get yourself centered and then other time because as you advocate reflection it's not like a one and done thing. Don't make major decisions when you're in the midst of a pit. That's important. One of the things I love about that quote, about reflection can alter the trajectory of your life is that I think of a book. Was actually a faith based book called Mission Drift.
Warwick F:
It's really referring to the drift of Ivy League colleges from the original founding mission. Forgetting the premise of the book for a moment because some will think that's good or bad. Looking at it more broadly, no organization should drift. No individual should drift from its purpose by accident. If you want to drift fine, but make sure you're doing it consciously, not unconsciously. That, to me is where reflection is important.
Warwick F:
Yesterday, I just had this sense of, okay, this direction sounds logical, the shift, but there was a yellow light saying this could be mission drift. If we're going to drift, let me make sure that I'm not just being stubborn, which I certainly can be. I'm not open to new ideas which I can also be that person, but that's why reflection is important because you might find over the course of 10 years as CEO somewhere, that you've shifted into a direction that had nothing to do with where you wanted to go. You just made a bunch of small decisions. That I feel is one area where reflection is absolutely critical. You want to make sure you stay on task and on vision because so often, you don't if have those reflections as you walk every day. Does that makes sense?
Joe B:
It makes sense. It also I think, brings us back full circle to quiet leadership. Because that is a long road. It's a lot of small steps. You're buffeted by pressures, you got to make adjustments along the way. You do need to step back occasionally if you're trying to get things done in a quiet way and make sure you're still focused on the right objective. That you don't need to modify the objective. That you're going... You're on a path you want to be. If it's a long path with a lot of uncertainty, this, by the way, was why the private equity guy tells the presidents of the companies he wants to see them, occasionally with their feet up on the desk looking out the window because their businesses can drift in wrong direction, and they may need to pivot and you do things differently. That's absolutely critical.
Warwick F:
Yeah.
Gary S:
I have been in the communications business long enough to know that when one of the people you're talking to says and now we've come full circle, this is probably a good time to land the plane. Listener, we're going to wrap up this episode of Beyond The Crucible, and I'm going to do what I do at the end of every episode, and that is to pull what I think are three good takeaways from the conversation between Dr. Badaracco and Warwick.
Gary S:
One would be from the book Leading Quietly but also leading into Step Back and that is don't fall in love with action and adrenaline. It's the quiet moments that provide the fuel to great insight and understanding that can lead and fuel great leadership, especially in the crisis of a crucible experience. Quiet reflective leadership is character driven leadership. That's take away one I think.
Gary S:
Take away two is that when it comes to the question we've raised here in this discussion that Joe uses in the book, aim for good enough. Find what works for you. Embrace mosaic reflection. Find the time when you can do it and then do it often. Maybe you can't get away on a mountaintop retreat but you can put your feet up on your desk and ponder the issues raised by your crucible experience and raised by your general experience in business.
Gary S:
Then the third point, I think, Both Warwick and Joe hit on this and their conversation back and forth is that reflection is an exercise in continual refinement. Reflect to gather information, assimilate that information, and then reflect on that information that you've assimilated. It's almost like a sculpture when you think about it. The more you refine the clay, the more your vision takes place and the thing that you're trying to bring to life comes into focus.
Gary S:
We hope listener that you've enjoyed and that you've gleaned some helpful tips from our conversation with Dr. Joseph Badaracco today. We thank you for tuning in. Warwick and I would ask you to do a favor for us. If you see on the podcast where you can click subscribe, please do. You can also leave a review for us on the app where you listen. Again those things help the podcast reach more people and that's what Warwick's heart is to reach the widest audience of people. Cast the biggest net to reach the widest audience of people to help them along the path to a life of significance.
Gary S:
Until we're together next time, thank you listener for spending your time with us today. We hope that we've given you some stuff here in our conversation that you can reflect on as you go through your own journey in navigating your crucible experience. Remember, in that crucible experience in that crucible moment, it is painful, it can change the trajectory of your life and it can feel like it's the end of your story in some sense.
Gary S:
Here's the good news. Warwick's proof of it. Guests we've had on the show have been proof of it. You're going to be proof of it. A crucible experience is not the end of your story. It can in fact be the beginning of a new chapter in your story that can lead to the most rewarding book of your life because that story, that book, that journey leads to something extremely special and that is a life of significance.
She had a great corporate job, doing what she felt called and equipped to do. Then Toni Munoz Kaufman contracted SARS, which nearly killed her and did cost her a lung. As she recovered, she was laid off. But her joyous spirit and wisdom passed down from her father pushed her to persevere and help other Baby Boomers overcome their crucibles as entrepreneurs.
Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.
👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/
Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome everyone to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. I’m Gary Schneeberger, the cohost of the podcast and the communications director for Crucible Leadership. And you’ve clicked play on, and we hope you’ve clicked subscribe to, a podcast that deals in what we call crucible experiences. And you’ll know what a crucible experience is because chances are you’ve been through one. Those are the painful moments in life; the failures, the setbacks, the traumas, tragedies. Sometimes they happen to you, sometimes you have a hand in causing them. But what they all have in common despite many different circumstances is that they tend to knock the wind out of your sails. They tend to knock you off the trajectory of your life.
Gary S:
They can be extraordinarily painful. But the reason that we talk about them here on Beyond the Crucible is not so that we wallow in them. We talk about them to learn the lessons of them. We talk about them with you so that you can learn the lessons of your crucible, so that you can chart a course toward what we call a life of significance. And with me on this podcast is the host of the podcast, the architect. I’ve called him once before, now it’s going to be twice, the Lego master of Crucible Leadership, Warwick Fairfax. Warwick, welcome. This is going to be a good show. I know our guest. I’ve talked to her before. She’s a spitfire. This is going to be a good one.
Warwick F:
Absolutely, very much looking forward to it.
Gary S:
Our guest, the aforementioned spitfire, is Toni Muñoz Kaufman. Toni Kaufman was born and raised in Mission, Texas and is known for her television production, casting, and entrepreneurial ventures. She’s the host of the popular radio show and podcast, The World Class Mentors, designed to highlight and honor the powerful influence of mentors in people from all walks of life. Toni had the honor of being on the presidential transition team to bring home former President, George H.W. Bush, and served as his personal technology instructor and staff support manager. We could get a whole hour out of just that.
Gary S:
Toni presented and was known as a technical evangelist for Microsoft products, and she was honored in the Top 10 Women in Computing. Toni’s productions and casting background in English and Spanish are famous for her discovery of international talent and beauty across the televised game show industry. She has produced the Latin Grammys, the Texas Music Awards, Family Feud, American Idol in Spanish, and America’s Next Top Model in Spanish. Toni’s well known as a corporate and marketing professional with extensive experience in communications. She has a rich background within a variety of industries and an experienced executive at management levels. Having read all that Toni, I feel vastly underqualified to be in this conversation.
Warwick F:
Wow. Well, Toni, thanks so much for being here. What an amazing life you’ve had. I mean, just the experiences and what you’re doing now with helping folks be entrepreneurs and mentors sounds fabulous. But just help us understand a bit about Toni, family, how you grew up, just a little bit about who Toni Kaufman is.
Toni K:
Thank you so much. Well, Mission, Texas is where it all sprung from. But my father’s family, the Muñoz Veriale family, actually have been in South Texas since the 1600s. And so while that was happening, it’s so funny because my mom was in Chihuahua, Mexico, and my grandmother was a concert pianist. So she was married to a doctor. And during the revolution, they had to come across to Pecos, Texas. So Pecos and Mission are kind of… We’re as Texas as you get, right?
Warwick F:
Wow. So when some people talk about, “Oh, we’ve been here for generations,” it’s like, you may have, but we’ve probably been here a few more generations than what you have. Before a whole bunch of people started coming into Texas, we were here.
Toni K:
Yeah. It is funny because the original land grant from the King of Spain was a 25,000 acre land grant. And so, when I found that out when I was in high school, I went to my dad who owned a farmer’s insurance agency. And I went, “Dad, dad, how much of that is mine?” And he looked at me and said, “About that much, but it’s as deep as you want it.”
Warwick F:
Sounds like he had just a funny sense of humor. He was quite the character.
Toni K:
He was my hero. Yeah, he really was.
Warwick F:
Wow. Well, just out of curiosity, I would say he was your hero. I know hopefully a lot of us, our dads and moms were our heroes. But what about him just made him somebody that you admired so much?
Toni K:
My dad always…. And he passed when I was 20, and that was in 1975. Don’t do the math. And so my dad always let me believe that I could do whatever it was I wanted. And the story behind that is, I would walk into his office one day and I would say, “Hey dad, I know what I want to be when I grow up.” And he’d say, “Okay, what?” I said, “I want to be a double naught spy.” And he goes, “Oh, okay. Well you need to go to college for this. You need to do this kind of work. You need to do this kind of study. And you could probably do that.”
Toni K:
Okay. The next week I’d come back and, “Hey dad.” “Yeah.” “I want to be a brain surgeon.” “Oh, well, okay. You have to study this. You have to go to school for that.” And he would always lay it out just… The next time I came back in, I said, “Dad, I got it. I got it. I want to be an interpreter for the United Nations.” “Oh, well, yeah, you can do that. This is what you’ve got to study, and this is what you got to…” Then the next time I did that, I walked in and I said, “Dad, I got it. I got it. This is it. I want to be a lawyer.” And he looked at me and he goes, “Over my dead body.”
Warwick F:
That is great.
Gary S:
Bravo, bravo.
Warwick F:
Yeah, that was one step…
Toni K:
That was my dad.
Warwick F:
… too far for her. What an amazing role model. I’m sure he’s probably who he was and how he treated you and all, it’s probably has been inspirational how you try to help others, I would assume. Do you ever say to yourself, “Gee, what would dad do in this situation?” kind of thing?
Toni K:
Oh, always. It’s so funny because that’s how I honor men. And when I do my public speaking and when I do bring things up, I hope that I can inspire young men to be that kind of an image and that kind of a role model for their daughters because it’s so needed right now. And at the same time, I inspire moms to get their sons… Get them back on the whack here. We got to make sure that they grow up right.
Warwick F:
That would be a whole nother talk, and that would be a great book. But traditionally, you had dad’s work and, I don’t know, 80, 100 hours a week. And hey, it’s changed a bit. But 30, 40 years ago, it was like, okay, I bring home the bacon and my wife raises the kids, which is obviously not helpful or right, but just this kind of checkout. Obviously some are either checked out or abusive. And so, there are are good dads. Obviously, I have three kids in my 20s, and I do my level best to be engaged. And-
Toni K:
I know it’s hard. I know.
Warwick F:
But yeah, there’s times when they’re small, they go so fast. And so it’s funny. I want to shift here because… But yeah, you’ve really got me thinking here. So it wasn’t what I was going to talk about necessarily, but it’s all good. One of the things I think that I’m blessed by with my kids, we write cards at birthdays, and I love writing. And so one of my kid’s good at that too. I have two sons and a daughter. My boys got the more athletic genes, which actually is from their mother.
Warwick F:
I’m not that athletic but my wife is. Anyway, but the boys, they played soccer and tennis. And pretty much every card, they said, “Dad, thank you so much. You were at my soccer game and practices.” And then they’re like in their 20s. Every single card, they say this. It’s just the thought of just showing up for something as small as your kid’s activities, whether it’s soccer, ballet, recital, whatever it is, it doesn’t feel like much, but it must be. Because every single card they’ve written over the last, I don’t know, X years, they always say that.
Toni K:
I love that, and those are the memories. Those are the things that we leave behind. My dad had two favorite sayings that I always love. One of them was, “A frog is pretty to another frog.” I won’t go into the details of that, but he did explain that to me a lot.
Warwick F:
Okay. Dad, unpack this a bit more. Where are we going with this?
Toni K:
The other one was, you know what, don’t take life too serious. If you’re not dying and you’re not going to jail, everything else is second place.
Warwick F:
That is-
Toni K:
So just relax.
Warwick F:
That is so good. So I want to talk a bit about, you’ve had a couple of crucibles. I know there was one that you had was kind of eerily familiar with the world that we live in now with COVID. So talk about that first one, and maybe the background to what were you doing professionally as all this happened because you’ve led a very busy life and very active.
Toni K:
Right. I was fortunate enough to be the Chief of Staff of Global IT for the SAP Division, Hewlett Packard at that time. And I was a project manager for infrastructure, a lot of downing buildings and upping buildings, kind of a thing. And for those in IT, you know exactly what I’m talking about. But we decided that before… Because we have… My husband and I had three of his, two of mine, and two of ours. So we were down to the two of ours. Everybody else is married and gone. So I figured the last… Before we get to the point where your kids say, “Okay, I’m not going on vacation with you. That’s embarrassing.” Before they got to that, I figured we’d pull them into the living room. And I say, “Okay guys, pick a country. I want to see the world. I want to see country.”
Toni K:
So we all decided there was two factors involved in it. One is it had to be wonderful. And two, there had to be a Disney property on there because we had Disney Vacation Club points and we got free hotels wherever we went. So of course, the first one on our list was Disney Tokyo. Tokyo, Disney in Japan. And so, we got our flights, got everything over there. The first thing that I noticed as we got off, this was 10 years ago, this was 2010, was as soon as we got off the plane, not only were we taller and a little bit bigger than most Japanese people, but every single person everywhere was wearing masks in Japan.
Toni K:
Because everything’s subways, you ride the subways for everything there. And so, I was like, we’re good Americans. What could possibly happen in seven days? Let’s just not worry about it. So we went and saw everything. What happened was that without knowing it, on the way back which was a 17-hour flight, I noticed there was a lot of coughing on the plane. And so, I didn’t think anything of it. We landed back in December. By the middle of January, I was getting coughy. It was just dry hack, not productive coughs at all, just dry hack. And it was getting to where I was doing it so that you were coughing so much you got your headache. We’ve all had coughs like that where you get the headache.
Toni K:
And then those by February, I had already started going to doctors to find out what it was. We’re in Houston. We’ve got oil refineries here. The air is not that great. And plus, we’re at sea level. So, I got seven doctors, seven different diagnosis, asthma, you name it. I mean everything. And that turned out to be even worse. Because by the end of February, I was having all out coughing attacks every five minutes. Not five minutes would go by. And on March the 7th, I remember being in the living room. My husband was watching a football game and I had one of these attacks. I was sitting on the couch, and I heard my rib crack. I broke a rib from coughing.
Warwick F:
Oh my gosh.
Toni K:
And I looked at him and I said, “Not only can I not stop coughing, but this is really painful.” And we headed off to the emergency room. And after 10 days, they decided the main thing they could keep me alive with was intravenous steroids. And for those of you who have ever had intravenous steroids, you know that they burn going in. So every vein with… The thing would last two or three days, and then it was burned out. And so after those 10 days, I remember I was in ICU. I couldn’t stop coughing. They couldn’t control it. They didn’t know what the hell was going on. And so, a doctor… And I’ll never forget her. She’s the most beautiful little doctor. She’s a beautiful blonde. It was her first day. She was a pulmonologist, and she walked in and she said, “Let’s do a bronchoscopy. Let’s find out what’s really going on here.” And sure enough, H1N1 came out in the wash. And I was like patient zero in my opinion for what the heck was going on.
Toni K:
So yes, I had SARS. And it was just, wow. Talk about life changing. After that, from one day to the next, you’re already in ICU. But now you’re in ICU and they’re wearing yellow hazmat suits around you. So the good news was that we had a cure so to speak. It took a while, but we had a cure, and it was called Tamiflu. And Tamiflu worked really well against H1N1. We don’t have that now. There’s still no Tamiflu for what’s going on right now. And so 37 days later, I was still in ICU. Nobody… I couldn’t get any family. Nobody could come visit. And they moved me to a hospice, and I didn’t know what the hell that meant. With my Hispanic background, I figured, okay, if this is my time, I’m going to get the angels. I’m going to get my grandparents. My father’s going to stand at the edge of the bed. I’m going to see some relatives. They can come on. They never showed up. So nobody ever showed up.
Toni K:
I was all by myself in this hospital room wondering where the family was, so I guess I wasn’t supposed to leave then. But now, I need to tell you that my background has always been very athletic. I was either a dancer or a swimmer. And my sister and I did the 50-mile swim, and we taught swimming all our lives. So I was… I remember, they took me down in the wheelchair the first time out of my room to go to therapy. And I remember seeing all the tables and then they had these little bicycles with the pedals that you can pedal. And I was like, piece of cake, man. I could do… He says, “I want you to do one minute on this.” And I’m like, “Sure.” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do one minute. What had happened was that the fibers, the shards of glass so to speak, that SARS brings into your lungs had so heavily compromised my right lung that it was so scarred that it was not really functional.
Toni K:
So I had to learn how to walk again, how to talk again, how to breathe again. I couldn’t get one sentence out without running out of air, and I couldn’t walk 30 steps to the bathroom. So when I was finally allowed to go home, and thanks to intravenous steroids, I was 210 pounds now. So I was just totally bloated. And when you do steroids for that long, you start losing your eyesight. Yeah, because I couldn’t… I remember looking up at the TV in the hospital room and I couldn’t see the screen at all. That’s when I told my doctor, and she immediately sent in an eye doctor, and we kind of cured that. But I was also a diabetic, and I was on 27 pills twice a day by the time I got home. That was my experience with this. So it scares the heck out of me when I hear what’s going on. People really, you need to take this serious. This is not… It’s not about your freedom. It’s not about all that. Just put out a mask, will you? Don’t end up like me. Just don’t.
Warwick F:
Oh my gosh, absolutely. And that’s such a horrific thing to have gone through, especially having been athletic. It was obviously life-changing.
Toni K:
Very much so.
Warwick F:
I guess, now obviously, they would be having a COVID test in a heartbeat. But back then, I guess it wasn’t really that widespread in the US and people didn’t know about it. When bad things happen, you sometimes think, well, why couldn’t they give me that bronchial test day one rather than day 50 or whatever it was?” I’m not a doctor, but it’s like, okay, you’re coughing. Why wouldn’t you do some bronchial tests? But what do I know? But did those thoughts run through your mind? It’s like, maybe you could have had that other lung if they’d done some tests earlier or-
Toni K:
I’m lucky, and I’m glad, and God had other plans for me obviously. But I remember laying… You come back, you lay down in your bed, and you feel this blob. So I decided to start going through… I still had my laptop. So I decided to start going through a couple of things. And the reason for that was my sister who passed from cancer, she was the tomboy in the family and I was the girly girl. And so she was always rough and tough and doing some amazing things. I could hear her voice. Every time I’d start feeling sorry for me, she was right in my ear going, “Yeah, get over it.” That was her thing, “Get over it.” And I was like, “Okay, okay. I’ll figure out what I need to do.” So I set up a plan, I call it the 30-30 plan. It was 30 minutes for 30 days of half-hour shows. And the first one I picked was Joel Osteen. And then the second one was the very tough lady who’s also a minister preacher, because she reminded me of my sister.
Warwick F:
Joyce Meyers?
Toni K:
Joyce. Thank you so much. And so I watched them, and then I decided to start learning how to breathe again so that I could get a sentence out. And in YouTube, there was a breathing method from a doctor from Russia called Dr. Buteyko, B-U-T-E-Y-K-O. And I started listening and understanding all about breathing. The other thing I figured out was that there’s two types of people that are in much worse shape than I was, and they’re still getting through it. So what’s my problem. And so, the first one is… And I did a lot of studies. I read all the Johns Hopkins. I went to the Mayo Clinic. I did as much research as I could. But the two people were people who had completely compromised immune systems, the AIDS people, the HIV people. And then we had the people who were going through chemo and cancer. So that was my reasoning is it could be worse, so get over it, right?
Warwick F:
Wow. It’s funny. One of the things you mentioned in prep form is you said, it kind of resonates here, never give up, never surrender, which sounds like almost a Winston Churchill-
Toni K:
Yeah.
Warwick F:
… kind of thing, which is awesome. Believe in God, believe in yourself, double your faith. Did those sorts of themes… Was that part of what helped you not just come back physically, but then emotionally probably, the amount of athletic things you could do is probably different? So there was some probably having to relearn but also accept that life will be a bit different and not feel sorry for yourself, and-
Toni K:
Very much so, very much so. Yeah. I have to fall back on the Galaxy Quest model; Never give up never surrender. But-
Warwick F:
Absolutely.
Toni K:
… yeah, the reality is the choice is ultimately yours. You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life. You can have every reason in the world for not walking again or not being able to go back to whatever kind of a life. I couldn’t even imagine that I could never speak again, because I’ve been a speaker, I’ve been a producer, I’ve been in cast forever. And so getting one sentence out was… I really had to build back to it. And by the way, when you overdo it and you’ve only got one lung, the lung that’s working goes like this, like stop. And at that point, you’ve got to remember to sit down and shut up until it releases. So your body regulates you when you’re about to overdo it. So I’m one of the few people that take nitro to release the lung not the heart.
Warwick F:
Wow. Well, I know unfortunately you’ve not just had one but two crucibles. But before we shift to the second one, it’s just interesting to me your attitude of being positive, do what you need to do, research Johns Hopkins, Mayo Clinic, figure out how you can get back and get healthy, accept the fact that we have limits. We all have limits which is a whole nother discussion. And I’m trying to understand what that is, but also not be bitter. You could have been angry at doctors. You could had said, “Whose idea was it to go to Japan in the first place?”
Toni K:
Mine.
Warwick F:
I suppose it’s probably fortunate maybe that it wasn’t husband or the kids or whatever. But when things happen, it’s easy to dwell on anger and bitterness. And as we’ve said in other podcasts, obviously, sometimes somebody does something. There needs to be consequences, and that’s obviously fair and has to happen. But being angry at the world or whatever, it doesn’t serve you. And so clearly, you knew that and you didn’t go there. You didn’t dwell on anger and bitterness or feeling sorry for yourself. You just got on with it. It got better, had a positive attitude, had spiritual influences. So there are some lessons learned for people who go through difficult crucibles, certainly health crucibles.
Gary S:
And I would add one thing to that work for the listener, go back 10 minutes, 12 minutes to when Toni started talking about this very traumatic, very life-threatening experience that she had with SARS, and listen to the way she talked about it. Listen to what life is like on the other side of that experience. I almost felt bad that I was laughing with her as she was talking about what happened, because she talks about it with such humor. She talks about it with such joy in what it’s like on the other side.
Gary S:
You may feel like your experience right now listener, your crucible, is that very traumatic thing that you may not be able to get back from. We are in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic as we have this conversation. You or someone you may know may indeed be fighting that disease. And I hope that you can camp out in the last 12 minutes of this conversation and hear the energy, the laughter, and the perspective that Toni has brought to her truly traumatic experience. Because that, I think it’s fair to say, Toni is your attitude through that, one of the reasons that got you through it?
Toni K:
I think so too. And to finalize the story, I’m sitting on a plane going to a speaker conference back probably December. I always sit at the very first row by the window all to myself. And by the way, I use those little nose plugs, the HEPA filters called First Defense, which I found on Shark Tank by the way. So you just put these little HEPA filters on your nose and this was before masks. And so, I always sit up front. And that flight, this beautiful lady sat next to me with this gorgeous coat, and we started a conversation. And I know we’re going to… I’ll do it fast, Gary.
Toni K:
It ended up that she was the pulmonologist in charge of about seven hospitals here in Houston. And so, that led me to, Hey, have you met Dr. Puppala? He was my pulmonologist, and Dr. Nayini, which I love as a sister because she saved my life that time, and she goes, “Yes, I know Dr. Puppala.” She said… So I told her my story. She looked at me and we talked for maybe 30 minutes. And as we were getting off the plane, she goes, “Toni, I know all about your story. We talk about you when we have our meetings. We all know about you. I just can’t believe I’m finally meeting you.”
Gary S:
Wow.
Warwick F:
So when she said that, she could have been talking medically. But I have a feeling she was talking more than that just about your spirit and your spirit of hope. Was that what you read into that comment?
Toni K:
I didn’t read into it at the beginning. I keep seeing myself as the guinea pig. But we both had a good laugh, and she invited me to speak to the hospitals when she got back. And of course, everything went crazy after that. But I just thought it was so interesting that I guess I’m a celebrity of sorts with the pulmonologist community.
Warwick F:
I have a feeling it was your spirit as much as the medical side that had an impact. And I don’t know, but I have a sense that that had an impact on the pulmonologist and the folks. So I wanted to ask about… The second crucible is interesting because it really leads into what you do now. And you had a job change challenge, a downsizing. I don’t know quite how you frame it. So talk a bit about what was the setting that led to that kind of second crucible?
Toni K:
Well, actually, my book, my print copy of my book will be released in September 30th. It’s called Act 2: Your Show Must Go On. And it was written originally dedicated to the boomers, because so many of us have found out the hard way that the American dream is dead, is as you were saying earlier, we were taught that you go to school, and you get a job, and you climb the ladder. You get the golden parachute, and then you’re fine. That’s not happening. And it’s funny because it actually hit this year, through my research, I knew that we had 45 to 48 million boomers out of work laid off, separated, fired from your job. And I was estimating based on research that within the next seven to 10 years, we were going to hit the 68 million. Well, guess what happened this year?
Toni K:
It’s not just boomers. It’s everybody. We’ve hit the 60 million and so souls out of a job right now. So what the book does is it concentrates on giving them what I call the four agreements, so to speak. The first agreement is, get your resume ready. Let’s go find you another job. The second one is the franchise industry is booming, caveat emptor, please buyer beware. The third choice is become a mentor. And the number one question I get when I talk about that is how do we monetize that? And the fourth agreement, the fourth road, your choice, which is just the one I’m hoping they will take, is to become an entrepreneur. And so, because that’s what opens the way. If you’re going to kill yourself for the rest of your life, do it for you.
Warwick F:
Makes so much sense. So what led you to that shift? What kind of job were you in when life changed?
Toni K:
I was on disability with HP, and I didn’t know it then. But if I had stayed on disability, I would have had 18 months of pay for about 70 to 80% of my income.
Warwick F:
Right.
Toni K:
But I was told that, “Come back to work, we’ll take care of you. We’ll let you work from home. We’ll make all the arrangements.” And within 60 days I was laid off. So not only did I not have any more income, I didn’t have insurance. And because of SARS, I was 100% not insurable for life insurance as well. I consider having that happen to us worse than a divorce, because your income’s gone too. And then you’re sitting there going, Oh my gosh, who’s going to hire me? And at that point I was 57 and I was… Obviously, I had to train five people to take over my job; three in India and two in Mexico. And wow, that hurt. That was a painful, painful experience.
Toni K:
Heck, it takes you three months to stop checking your email because that’s what we’ve been for so long. Especially boomers, we are our jobs. We are our title. And you work for, like you said, 60, 70, 80-hour weeks, and for so long that you don’t realize until you look back everything you gave up, how you couldn’t go to the kids’ performances or plays, or you’re always having to ask somebody for permission to let you off your work. And sometimes, you don’t get it to go to important family functions. And I was able to put my entire life in perspective. And you know what, I messed up. I just… There was so much more we could have done familywise that I was always putting my job in front of it. And so, that was a good slap in the face.
Warwick F:
With that particular crucible, it sounds like there are a whole bunch of lessons. There’s some commonalities with other crucible that you’re not somebody that sits there and says, “Oh, woe is me. I’m a victim.” That doesn’t seem like… That’s not Toni Kaufman. But-
Toni K:
Yeah.
Warwick F:
… obviously, it’ll be easy to say, “Well, that was unfair. I’m doing a great job and for whatever reasons, they make their decision.” So there was plenty of opportunity for you to be bitter and angry if you chose. It doesn’t mean that you condone or think it was fair, but you chose not to go the anger vindictive route or to feel-
Toni K:
Warwick, I’m going to give you the final crucible.
Warwick F:
Okay.
Toni K:
My sister died of cancer. My father had cirrhosis of the liver. My mom had cancer. My middle brother got cancer. And if you look at my maiden name, Gary, is M-U-N-O-Z. If you look for the Munoz, Borrow pits on Google, that’s the 40 acres I was raised on. We were raised on DDT.
Warwick F:
Oh, no.
Toni K:
The Hayes-Sammons plant which is a division of Halliburton had a poison DDT plant literally next to the playground of one of our elementary schools. And my father… They paid my father to go dump the red dirt over by the lake. We had 40 acres, and we had a two-acre pond and a 15 acre lake. And it was just funny because we had hills of red smelly dirt that my little brother and I, and my sister, we played Cowboys and Indians and all that kind of stuff. And we had… All I knew was that the dirt was smelly. And every time it rained, the entire fish population of our pond would die and they’d be floating. And that’s what I remember of the 40 acres. That was where we were raised, and that’s why my father died at 57, and my sister died at 52, and my little brother just passed this last May. And my mom had cancer back in the 80s. And so, what good would it do? And by the way, I think we’re given less than $2,000 in reparations is what I got for a multimillion-dollar settlement.
Warwick F:
Seriously, for that? I mean, you probably look at that and say that’s what my dad and sister, brother are worth? Really, that’s it?
Toni K:
That’s it. I haven’t been paid for that yet. I just signed the settlement because that’s all we’re going to get.
Gary S:
Wow.
Warwick F:
How do you avoid being so angry about how could… Did these people know? Did they not care? How could this happen? How do you not just get so angry and bitter? I don’t know how that’s possible not to go there.
Toni K:
I’ve always been a firm believer that you get what you look for. And if you’re looking for the bad, you’re going to find it. If you’re looking for the good, you’re going to find it. And you know what, the retribution, justice, everything that you hope would happen it’s not in my hands. There’s other people that are going to have to pay for that when they walk through those gates, and it wouldn’t do me any good. And so, we were some of the fortunate ones. There were literally children being born around that elementary school with one eyeball or no brains or the entire city. That was a huge settlement. Shame on them, but they’re not going to change my life.
Warwick F:
Wow. So you really… Despite all of these hardships, it feels like this doesn’t take you down. You’re obviously one… You used the expression about your sister like she was the tough one. I don’t know. Maybe you both kind of have some of that stern, tough fiber in you. Maybe it’s from your parents. I don’t know. But it sounds like you are every bit as tough as your sister was in the best sense of that word, and that’s remarkable. And so, you’ve had all these circumstances. You’ve had this what feels like an unfair removal from that company. And yet, you reinvented yourself, and used all you’ve been through to help others. So talk a bit about kind of… You’ve chatted a bit about those four ways, and you love mentoring and entrepreneurship. So talk about how you reinvented yourself, and then how you help others in a sense reinvent themselves.
Toni K:
When I got laid off, my husband says, “Hey, look at this positively. Think to yourself, you’ve been given an opportunity. Go to what made you the absolute happiest work that you would do for free.” And my brain immediately shot back to the mid 1970s, and I was the producer of about five hours a day of local origination programming for one of the first Valley cable television stations. And so, if you ever saw the Weird Al movie called UHF or VHF –
Gary S:
Yes.
Toni K:
All right, that was my life. I was the person in the dog costume. I was doing the children’s shows. I was running cameras for local bishops who wanted to have a 30-minutes conversation. And so I thought, that’s what I want to do. But I wanted to concentrate on people who are literally making a difference in this world and have the altruistic heart that even you have Warwick and Gary. You have the need to make this world a better place than how we found it.
Toni K:
And that is the speakers, authors, healers and coaches world. And that’s what I’ve been playing in. So with KDDM, who will soon be standoutuniverse.com, we are offering speakers, authors, healers, coaches, and boomers who are in transition the opportunity to monetize, to create a company, to make it grow, to serve others. And you know what, I haven’t met one person yet that isn’t trying to change the world, be the change they’re trying to be, they’re trying to see and/or help others. And that’s what I love about our community.
Warwick F:
That’s a wonderful vision. Some people want to change the world, but it’s like, how do I put food on the table for my kids, and our parents, grandparents, extended family, depending on their situation? And it sounds like your vision is to help people change the world, but also monetize, which for most people is like, if I can’t monetize this, I can’t do it. And so, it’s easy to be cynical in this world because there’s a lot of bad things happening. And sadly, some people are doing very bad things. But yet, there are people out there that people have hope that want to make a difference, that want to help others, that want to care. So it must be so affirming to be around those people, to hear their hearts and their visions. And it must make you think, gosh, I get to go to work today and listen to somebody’s hopes and dreams.
Toni K:
I know –
Warwick F:
What could be better than that?
Toni K:
How to make this happen. Isn’t that cool?
Warwick F:
Yeah.
Toni K:
That is… And I love doing it. So how you monetize it is I’ve got some mentors, and of course they create courses to help people. They create what I call a signature talk that takes them to a webinar, that takes them to an event, whether it’s a three-day live event or a one-day summit so to speak. And that’s basically… That’s been a lifesaver this year, is that all these live conferences and live events you used to go to are now live online events. And guess who’s producer? Background gets to help people create live online events. That’s part of what we’ve got. And it’s really been a lifesaver for us.
Warwick F:
It’s funny how we have different things in our background. And I think for spiritual people of faith, which I think you obviously are, at the time, you don’t know how God, the universe is going to use all these strands. But it’s like, so what was the point of all that 70 stuff and dressing up in weird costumes, and interviewing chips and whoever. Where’s all that going to go? Or how in the world are we to know that a number of years later you’re able to use those things in a way to help others, right? I’m sure you probably didn’t see it at the time, but it does make you feel like somehow there’s a plan even if we don’t realize it at the time. Does that make sense?
Toni K:
Well, Steve jobs said it best when he did one of his talks at Yale. He said… And I know Gary is checking his watch now so.
Warwick F:
It’s all good. It’s all good.
Gary S:
It’s all good.
Toni K:
He dropped out of the university. And as he looks back, dropping out allowed him to take only the classes he wanted to take. His favorite class was on calligraphy. Talk about connecting the dots backwards. So what does Apple do? They create the graphic artist machine with all these wonderful fonts. And so, Apple becomes the graphic artist tool of choice because they have so much artistic calligraphy fonts that came with it at a time when Windows hadn’t created two type fonts yet, right?
Warwick F:
Right.
Toni K:
So he says, “The only way that you know that you had enough faith to leap forward is if you look behind you and connect the dots, because you can only connect them backwards. And if they connect to enough places enough times, that it will give you the faith and the impetus to grow forward to take that leap of faith, because you just saw how the puzzle connected behind you.”
Warwick F:
Right. And it gives you hope to take that next step. So that’s-
Toni K:
My favorite statement from him.
Warwick F:
That’s amazing. Once you’re helping people, it’s probably all fun. But what’s the most fun thing about what you do in helping people. What makes the light bulb wattage go up?.
Toni K:
Oh my God, the personalities. I see the celebrity within when I… Casting has helped a lot, right?
Warwick F:
Yeah. It’s another element.
Toni K:
But I see the celebrity here, and sometimes they don’t see it. But I could see it just by listening to them, talking to them. And then if… I think one of my favorite mentors is Iman Aghay. And he says something like, “If you can get people to see themselves the way you see them, then we’ve accomplished what we needed to accomplish to get them to spring forward.”
Warwick F:
That sounds like maybe your mission to help the world see these people the way you see them, right?
Toni K:
Give me the challenge, go ahead.
Warwick F:
Gosh. It’s like, you must wake up in the morning saying, I get to do this. It’s probably feels like… You mentioned Disneyland in a more challenging way before, but in a good way. I guess, obviously, it is a wonderful place. It must feel like Disneyland every day. It’s like-
Toni K:
Well, I’ll let you know that I was the person who choreographed and came out with Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and Pluto at all the back to school specials in Midwest, United States, from Brownsville to Chicago. We did 11 malls. We did 11 shows, and I was the idiot that would come out singing and dancing with the mouse. And are you ready for this? Hold onto your head, Gary.
Gary S:
All right.
Toni K:
I was Scooby-Doo. I was inside of Scooby-Doo.
Warwick F:
No, really?
Toni K:
We did the Scooby-Doo show.
Warwick F:
Wow. So with your kids and I see that you have grandkids at all?
Toni K:
Oh, I’ve got 11 grandkids now.
Warwick F:
So do they ever say, “Grandma…” I know there’s nana or a different name. Do they ever say, “Can you do the Scooby-Doo? Can you do Mickey or Minnie?” Do they ever say that to you?
Toni K:
They haven’t, but it’s so funny. My kids had the… I don’t know if that was a pleasure or not. They were probably the only few kids in the world who would walk in to see me during lunch breaks and would see Mickey, Minnie, Pluto, and Goofy’s head sitting on a table. And I remember my 18-month old just burst into tears. He thought I had killed them. He walked in and saw all the heads and all the bodies, and he just broke out into tears.
Gary S:
Oh my. Well, this is the moment in the podcast where I normally say it’s around the time that we need to land the plane. But given the fact that we just talked about Scooby-Doo, I’m going to say that it’s almost the time we need to hop in the Mystery Machine and drive away. So we got to get in the Mystery Machine. We got to drive away in a little bit. But one thing I wanted to say to you Toni, because mentoring and urging people, encouraging people to be mentors, you’ve benefited from them. You have benefited others being a mentor.
Gary S:
I just did a quick search for quotes about mentoring. And there’s a bunch of really good stuff here. But here’s what Denzel Washington said about mentoring which I think really sums up a lot of the joy that we hear in your voice or see in your face if we’re watching this on YouTube. This is what Denzel Washington said, “Show me a successful individual and I’ll show you someone who had real positive influences in his or her life. I don’t care what you do for a living. If you do it well, I’m sure there was someone cheering you on or showing you the way, a mentor.”
Warwick F:
Gary, that’s so well said, and I’m sure you would agree with this Toni. But mentoring younger people or as a younger person being mentored, I’m somebody that always wanted to learn from people back in my 20s and people who were older than myself. That combination, if you’re younger, seek somebody that you admire. Because if you ask them, “Hey, do you mind helping me? I’d just love to chat and get your advice,” most folks who are older would be delighted to help. Sometimes, they’re reluctant to impose themselves. But somehow, I think in our society, in other societies or decades gone by, mentoring, especially within families happened more. Maybe it happens less now. But it’s so important. So how do you help some of this mentoring happen both from younger to older? These relationships are so important. But do you have any wisdom on that on how you help foster mentoring relationships?
Toni K:
Yes, my two mentors. I mentioned Iman a little while ago, but Jay Fassett, it’s so funny. They’re both Canadian. Those are my favorite mentors. But here’s my words of advice is, the best way to leverage, or as they say in Canada, leverage, the growth, your growth or your business growth is you’ve got to find somebody who’s been there, done that and can walk you through it. Why are you trying to find out, go through every hardship by yourself? Get yourself a mentor. It can do nothing but help, and there’s so many available. There are just so many available. And worst case, if you can’t find one, talk to me. I will recommend someone to you. I’d be happy to.
Warwick F:
Final comment on this is, to me, you’ve got to be humble. Be humble enough to say, I don’t know everything. And there are some people that have been down this road decades more than I have. So why not learn? If you’re not humble, you’re not going to learn. So that’s to me the starting point. Be humble, be open, be willing to learn, and you’ll be blessed as will the mentor be blessed. You’ve been blessed by a lot of folks that you’ve mentored. It’s symbiotic. It’s a double blessing. That’s a wonderful thing.
Gary S:
We have had a lot of truly inspiring conversation and some good applications here. Toni, I would be remiss if I did not give you the opportunity to tell listeners how they can find you and your business on the World Wide Web. How can they get to know more about Toni Kaufman?
Toni K:
Well, it’s under construction, but you can go to standoutuniverse.com and you’ll be able to see what we’re building there. You’ll be able to contact me immediately. I respond to everybody who texts me on Facebook. Facebook, my main profile is under Toni Muñoz, M-U-N-O-Z, Kaufman.
Gary S:
And that is Toni with an I.
Toni K:
I, you’re right. Yeah. My little brother was Tony with a Y, and my dad was Antonio. And when my dad passed, my mom named the parrot Tony. So we always had three Tonys and two Celias. But yeah, please feel free. It’s toni@standoutuniverse or standoutme.com is the quick way. Standoutme.com, T-O-N-I@. Just reach, I’ll listen.
Gary S:
Well, Toni, you and Warwick both have made this episode difficult for me. One of the things I do at the end of every episode is try to pull together, and I’m scribbling notes while you guys are talking, about what are some key takeaways that our listeners can follow to help them bounce back from their own crucibles. And I pull three every time, and it was hard to contain myself just to three here because the conversation was so robust. But here’s what I think from this conversation with Toni and Warwick, three takeaways for you listener that you can apply as you bounce back from your own crucible. Number one, as bad as it gets, and sometimes it gets very, very bad circumstantially, physically, and emotionally. Toni described that in her battle with SARS, how difficult that was. But as bad as it gets, do not give up. Hatch a come back plan. In Toni’s case with SARS, she developed a breathing plan.
Gary S:
She started with a breathing plan. Study, develop action steps, practice. Your crucible can be fought through. And as Toni said, the choice is ultimately yours. Takeaway number two, explore your options in the midst of and in the aftermath of your crucible. Take a long look at what you’d like to do. What are your passions? What are you really good at? What does the world need that you can offer? Then either find an opportunity where you can make your vision and passion a reality, or as Toni suggests and has lived, create an opportunity yourself. Become an entrepreneur and do your own thing. It’s worked out well for her. It’s worked out well for Warwick. It can work out well for you as well. And then the third point which we just talked about at the end of the conversation and Warwick had a…
Gary S:
This is a key part of Crucible Leadership, this idea of mentoring, being a mentor, and having mentors. So look in the aftermath of your crucible. In the midst of your crucible, look for an opportunity to mentor. The world needs what you know. So share it, and get yourself a mentor because you need what other people in the world know. As Warwick explained, it’s a symbiotic relationship. It’s a 360 … It’s the circle of life, if you will. Mentoring and being mentored is a critical part of bouncing back from a crucible. And that has been our discussion as it always is here on Beyond the Crucible. How do you navigate through and bounce back from those crucible experiences in your life? We hope you’ve enjoyed this conversation with Toni Kaufman. If you did enjoy it, we ask that you would visit us at crucibleleadership.com. You can find all the podcast episodes that we’ve done so far there.
Gary S:
You can sign up to get Warwick’s regular emails where he shares more details, unpacks more some of the concepts of Crucible Leadership that can help you in your effort to bounce back, to move beyond your crucible as the show is called. So until the next time that we’re together having a conversation about how to face your crucibles head on no matter how painful they may be, thank you for joining us here. And remember this as you go, and rewind this episode like I said earlier, and listen to the way Toni Kaufman described her crucible of almost losing her life to H1N1. Remember, in listening to her spirit as she talked about that, that your crucible is painful. It can be extraordinarily challenging.
Gary S:
It could even be life-threatening, but it does not have to be the worst time of your life. If you learn the lessons of that crucible, if you apply yourself to moving beyond that crucible, it can become the launching pad. It can become the beginning of the next chapter of your life which is the best chapter of your life. Because as we’ve seen from what Toni’s talked about today and we’ve seen every time we’ve had a conversation with Warwick, bouncing back from your crucible is your first step toward a life of significance.
Understanding what science has to say about learning the lessons of a crucible experience — from reframing what happened to embracing forgiveness — can be an overlooked key to moving past the pain and toward healing and significance.
Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.
👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/
Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome, everyone to Beyond The Crucible. I’m Gary Schneeberger, the communication’s director for Crucible Leadership and the cohost of this podcast. And you have clicked play on, we hope you’ve clicked subscribe too, a podcast that deals in a subject that’s extremely important. And that is crucible experiences. Those moments in life that are painful, those moments in life that can be traumatic, failures and setbacks, traumas and tragedies. Those things that can knock you off the trajectory your life was on.
Gary S:
And the reason that we talk about those things, the reason that we interview guests, who either have had those experiences, or can give us a perspective on how to bounce back from those experiences, is so that we can point toward what Crucible Leadership calls a life of significance. That’s the end goal here, of moving beyond your crucible to finding, pursuing a life of significance. And with me, as always, if he wasn’t here, it wouldn’t be called Beyond The Crucible, is Warwick Fairfax. The host of the program and the founder of Crucible Leadership. Warwick, welcome.
Warwick F:
Great to be here, Gary.
Gary S:
So today we have, what’s going to be a really exciting interview. For listeners who’ve been with us for a while, you know that a lot of the things that we talk about, a lot of the crucible experiences and the tips for bouncing back from them, are experientially based. But we’ve got a guest today, who has a more scientific approach to how we get through that. And that guest is Dr. Suzy Green, a clinical and coaching psychologist and founder and CEO of The Positivity Institute. A positively deviant organization, dedicated to the research and application of positive psychology for life, school, and work.
Gary S:
Suzy lectured on applied positive psychology as a senior adjunct lecturer in the coaching psychology unit at the University of Sydney, that’s in Australia, for 10 years. And is honorary vice president of the International Society For Coaching Psychology. Suzy also currently holds, this is a long list and an impressive list, honorary academic positions at The Positive Psychology Center, Melbourne Graduate School of Education, University of Melbourne, The Wellbeing Institute, Cambridge University, and I got to hear more about this one, The Black Dog Institute. Suzy is also an ambassador for the Starlight Children’s Foundation. And she is one of two people with really great accents on this show, the other one is Warwick. Take it away Warwick.
Warwick F:
Well, Suzy, it is wonderful to have you and just love the whole concept of Positivity Institute and post-traumatic growth, which we’ll get into. When I looked at your website and saw that your company’s based in Double Bay, Australia. For those who aren’t from Australia or from Sydney, Double Bay is a suburb of Sydney and it’s the same suburb where I grew up. So it was a kind of wild we were chatting off air about one of your sons went to the same high school I did, so incredibly small world. But again, Suzy, wonderful to have you. So before we get into just the Positivity Institute and post-traumatic growth, tell us a bit about who you are and your story and what led you to get into psychology, in particular, the positive psychology aspect of that.
Suzy G:
Yeah, well firstly, thank you so much, Warwick and Gary for having me as a guest on the show today. It’s been a long journey as I guess most people’s journeys and stories are. But to make it a little bit shorter, I guess, I left school when I was 16 and no one in my family had gone to university, there was no expectations. It was get married and have children. And I actually married my childhood sweetheart from school and he had done quite well, had studied medicine and had decided to study psychiatry. And so at the time I was working in administration, secretarial work in my early 20s and he used to come home and tell me these incredible stories about patients. And I just became completely intrigued and I never thought that I would go to university.
Suzy G:
But it was thankfully, and you’ll often hear, and I’m sure you do in these stories, it’s somebody that sees some strengths in you and encourages you to go forward. So we’re divorced now, but I have a lot to thank him for. And he encouraged me to apply to attend university, which I did. I think it took me about 14 years and two children. And I ended up with a doctorate in clinical psychology. But one little, it wasn’t quite a crucible experience, but perhaps one of more of those aha moments, I remember sitting in the lecture theater at the University of Wollongong. My very first lecture, absolutely petrified thinking, “What am I doing here? Everyone’s so much smarter than I am.”
Suzy G:
And the lecturer started by saying, “There’s about 100 of you here today. There’ll only be 12 of you, possibly that make it through to the very end with doctorates.” And I had no reason to believe that it was going to be me, but something went click and I just knew. I just knew it was going to be me. And look, I studied other subjects. I did history and literature and I did okay, but I just excelled in psychology. I think I had the opportunity to talk to my husband when I came home in the evenings at night.
Suzy G:
And then I started working at a psychiatric clinic, again, through connections through my husband or ex husband as it turned out to be. And then I’ve been on this incredible journey over the last 20 years and I’ve sort of grown up with this field of positive psychology. So it’s also been a matter for me, of being in the right place at the right time. And I actually do believe that this is what I’m meant to be doing. And there’s some wonderful research in positive psychology around callings. I do feel like this is my calling and what I’m meant to be doing. And mini crucible experiences I’ve had, I wouldn’t say I’ve had big ones, like some of your guests, but the mini ones have certainly informed who I am, and what I’m doing, and where I’m going.
Warwick F:
It’s sort of interesting when we look back at how we’ve got to where we’ve got. It’s often as you look back, again, I’m a person of faith. So you think, “Gosh, there was sort of a line of breadcrumbs or somehow that was laid, that if certain events hadn’t happened, who knows?” And we never know the what ifs because it’s unknowable. But like with your first husband and maybe in the long term, it didn’t work out. But the fact that he was in medicine and was exposing you to certain areas. If you had married, I don’t know, an accountant or somebody different, I mean, who knows, right? I mean, it’s like you can’t get excited about something that you’ve never heard of or haven’t experienced. I mean-
Suzy G:
Exactly.
Warwick F:
But somehow that happened. And what was it about psychology that really intrigued you, that sort of called out to you? It’s almost like you hear a tune and it’s like, “This is my tune.” What about it just led you down that road?
Suzy G:
And you know, I didn’t really understand that for a long time. But I think more recently, as I’ve become familiar with character strengths and virtues, and I have my strengths up behind me on the wall here, and there’s a whole body of research around that. One of my top strengths, two of my top strengths, so we often talk about our top five character strengths. These are morally valued strengths. One is curiosity. Sometimes my partner will tell me I overplay that and I ask too many questions that might become nosiness. So curiosity and I have love of learning. And so those two strengths combined, once I guess I found a passion as well. And I mean, most people find psychology interesting. Whether you go on to become a psychologist or not. And in fact, I saw some research showing it’s, I think, one of the top subjects that’s studied as an undergrad, regardless of what professional career you go into.
Warwick F:
Yeah, I think maybe there’s this natural curiosity of how are people wired? How do they think? What makes them tick? And then obviously, in your case, how can I make a positive contribution in the field? Not just intellectually, but in a way that helps people. So there’s something about that, that really drew you and just one point I also want to clarify for listeners in the US. In the US, an enormous, well, a significant proportion of people go to college. It’s not that way in Australia. At least not when we were growing up. I mean, obviously I come from a family where the expectation of going to university was pretty clear, everybody did. And it wasn’t just go to university. It was good to Oxford. So that’s where I went, my dad went, my grandfather went, so there was clear-
Suzy G:
Exactly.
Warwick F:
But for most Australians, that didn’t grow up the way I did, that was a big thing. It wasn’t like, of course you should go to college. It’s like, well, why? You got to be practical. So that was a big decision, a big choice for you. And also at a time where, I don’t know if women weren’t as encouraged as much to do that as boys, so again, I’m a reflective person. So I’m always curious about how you got to where you got to. So I know psychology is a big field and you know much more about it than I do. But positive psychology, I had not really heard of that. I mean, is that a fairly new field, at least? I mean, how long has psychology been around, at least as an intellectual discipline? Would you say, is it like-
Suzy G:
Yes, around 1900. William James, the founding father of modern day psychology. Actually, I visited Harvard, not last year, the year before. So, that was sort of where it was born. And I went to the original building, I wasn’t there very long. But it was such a, it was wonderful to go and visit. So William James, 1900. And if you look back, actually, anytime I go and do some research on a different area of psychology that I haven’t looked at for a while, I’ll generally find, it leads me back to William James. So he was such a thought leader. He had something to say on every topic that we’re talking about now.
Suzy G:
And then into, jumping ahead a little bit, into the ’50s and ’60s, there was the movement, humanistic psychology was born. And it was looking at, I guess, human potential. And there were people like Abraham Maslow, who many of us now are familiar with the term self-actualization. Carl Rogers, another incredible psychologist. And there were a group of these people, mainly in the US, I would say. And then what happened was, cognitive psychology came in the ’60s and ’70s. People like Beck, Aaron Beck and humanistic psychology was sort of forgotten about for a little while because there wasn’t enough rigorous science to really understand what does it make for us to be fully functioning individuals.
Suzy G:
We couldn’t really fully scientifically investigate that. And then what happened, moving on from, I guess, the cognitive movement, cognitive behavioral movement, was Professor Martin Seligman, who was very well known in the US, from University of Pennsylvania. Doing wonderful work on pessimism. He published that wonderful book, Learned Optimism, which many people will be familiar with. And he, I guess, I don’t really know the full story, but there is some story that his daughter commented that he was always in a grumpy mood.
Suzy G:
And he had a bit of an epiphany. He then founded this field of positive psychology, which the term itself had actually been coined by Abraham Maslow in the ’50s. But Marty Seligman brought it to life when he became the president of the American Psychological Association in 1998. I was doing my honors year in psychology at that time. And he, in his presidential speech said, “The time has come for psychology to focus on what’s right with people and what’s right with the world, rather than what’s wrong with them.”
Suzy G:
Because since the second world war in particular, there’d been a lot of investment, which was required for people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, depression from the second world war. And so Marty Seligman really started to flip psychology on its head again, in his presidential year and founded this field, which is now 20 years old. But to be honest, it’s still not mainstream. I mean, clinical psychology, which is my background, still probably has the foothold in psychology. And it’s needed when we look at the statistics of people suffering with mental illness.
Suzy G:
But positive psychology has brought a breath of fresh air to psychology for people like me, that when I was doing my clinical training, I remember getting in trouble from my supervisor saying, “There’s too much laughter coming from the clinical room, Suzy.” And look, so I realized fairly quickly that when I worked in a psychiatric clinic for a number of years, it wasn’t for me. We do need people to do that sort of work, but it’s very hard work. And again, I think through a series of fortunate events, I’ve been blessed to be able to do this. I would describe it as much more proactive work. So the space we work in is helping people proactively learn the skills of wellbeing, resilience, optimal human functioning, so they can live their best lives.
Warwick F:
Yeah, I almost think of just like traditional medicine. Is it valuable to know how to cure cancer and heart attacks? Yes. I mean, if you have cancer or heart attacks, you want that to be the best medicine, the best technology. But on the other hand, are there things that we can proactively do with diet, exercise, mental, spiritual disciplines that are shown to have positive health benefits? Well, yes. So why wouldn’t you want some prevention, right? Because if you’re fit and healthy doesn’t mean you won’t get sick. But maybe if you eat the right diet, the chances of getting diabetes is not eliminated, but it’s significantly lower.
Warwick F:
And so it’s like why wouldn’t, on a psychological basis, yes, it’s important to understand depression and schizophrenia and all sorts of mental disorders and mental challenges. But why wouldn’t you want to understand what are the things that can help keep us psychologically healthy? And I wouldn’t say prevention, but somewhat ameliorating factors. I mean, it seems logical. Like you wouldn’t hear people in medicine saying, “Well, why are you talking about health and helping people be healthy, and fitter, and losing weight? Well, that’s stupid. We should just focus on cancer and heart attacks.” You wouldn’t have that discussion, right?
Suzy G:
No, absolutely not.
Warwick F:
But so it seems like in the world of psychology, there’s still a little bit of that discussion. Is that kind of what you find still?
Suzy G:
Yeah, it’s starting to change. And I’ve been really fortunate to have been involved with the field of positive education, which actually emerged in Australia when Geelong Grammar brought Marty Seligman and his team of academics from UPenn out. And trained all of the staff, nine days of positive psychology. This was in 2008. I worked at the second school, which was Knox Grammar at the time. And now for the last 10 years, I’ve worked with numerous schools across Australia. And our approach is, we work primarily with the teachers directly. But it’s about supporting the teachers to teach the children the skills of resilience and wellbeing, as a preventative approach for mental illness. But also to improve wellbeing and improve their academic performance as well, because there’s some great and growing research showing, which we all intuitively know, that when you’re well, you do well.
Warwick F:
Well, right and when you’re getting poor grades, there’s usually some reason whether it’s a family or poor self image. And yeah, exactly. So one of the things that really intrigued me about this whole discussion of positive psychology is with Crucible Leadership, it’s not grounded in science. It’s really grounded in stories, anecdotes, if you will. In part my own story of, the Australian listeners will know and past podcasts listeners will know, of just growing up in a 150 year old family media business, which amongst other things, had The Sydney Morning Herald in Sydney and radio, TV, a bunch of things. And it kind of went under on my watch. And so that was obviously a lot for me to grapple with and get over.
Warwick F:
And so obviously, in my own life I have some thoughts, about at least what worked for me, which mightn’t work for everybody else. But certain things. And then just chatting to other folks who have been through all sorts of different crucibles. I’m always fascinated by people who’ve gone through a crucible experience, which to me, is a transformational experience in which who you are afterward is significantly different than who you were before. And it’s typically it could be abuse, it could be losing a business, it could be getting fired, a death of a loved one, all sorts of things that we talk about crucible experiences. And I’m fascinated by the people that find a way to bounce back. Yes, they are always scars, but how do you bounce back?
Warwick F:
And there are phrases like pain for a purpose or all sorts of different ways that people have of coping with it. But I’m fascinated by, you’re actually talking about a similar thing, but you’re talking about it from a scientific basis. That’s what’s really exciting to me. So you’ve got a number of phrases you’ve mentioned, like post-traumatic growth, which is a fascinating discussion. I think on your own website, Positivity Institute, it’s creating a flourishing world, something like that, which I love that phrase. I mean, wow. So talk about, what are some of the elements that irrespective of the crucible or the trauma, that lead some people to growth in a way that maybe wouldn’t have been possible without it? What are some of those elements that you’ve discovered?
Suzy G:
Yeah, I mean, it’s really interesting and I’m very thankful that I had the opportunity to work clinically in my early career and particularly down in the area that I worked, which was in Wollongong in southern side of Sydney, because I know when I moved to Sydney and started work in the CBD, I didn’t see anywhere, I guess, the range or the severity of psychiatric and psychological disorders that I saw.
Warwick F:
That was, that was central business district for-
Suzy G:
Yeah, sorry, sorry.
Warwick F:
For the listeners-
Gary S:
Yes, for people like me, that was… thank you.
Warwick F:
Basically, downtown Sydney basically.
Suzy G:
Downtown Sydney, yeah. So I guess, yeah and I was really thrown in the deep end. I worked in a psychiatric clinic. I pretty much heard every horrendous, traumatic story that I’ve ever heard in my whole life. There’s nothing, I usually say now, that I haven’t really heard. And I’m really thankful for that experience because firstly, it made me realize what a blessed and privileged life I really did lead. I had two loving parents, who pretty much have given me everything my whole life to enable me to do what I can. And they didn’t have a lot, to be honest, but they gave me everything. So hearing those stories, helping people make sense out of often very senseless things, which I’m sure you’ve heard, things that you could never have imagined would happen in your life. And often we talk about this when we’re running resilience type training, which I might add is very popular right now as well, is that-
Warwick F:
I can imagine.
Suzy G:
Exactly, is that sometimes you can see, whether you call them the curve ball, you can see the adversity coming. So I have two elderly parents, 93 at the moment, and I’m really grateful for every moment that I have with them now. I know that we’re talking about people living to a hundred, but I know that I’ve got limited time left with them. I can see that regardless of how skilled I am as a psychologist, that I’m going to be challenged by the loss of my parents, who I’ve had a very close relationship with. I am already psychologically preparing myself for that. But there are situations that come out of left field, which again, I have only had some minor ones compared to some of the ones that I’m sure your guests have had, that have absolutely shock you or break you to the core in a sense.
Suzy G:
And so I’ve had the privilege of working with people like that. And I guess for me, it firmed up two things. One is that you can recover and you can bounce back. And in fact, when it comes to this growing area of post-traumatic growth, they talk more about bouncing forward. So you’re not just getting back to where you were, you’re actually stronger, faster than you were before. And I guess also, the other thing that occurred for me at the time was, my children were in primary school at the time. And I thought, why aren’t my children learning these skills at school?
Suzy G:
These are life skills, they’re skills I’m learning as I’m training to be a psychologist, they’re skills I’m teaching people after the curve balls hit them. But why on earth aren’t we teaching these skills at school? And that’s what’s starting to happen now. Not in all schools I might add, but it is starting to happen because I believe that we can, and we should be teaching these skills proactively. They may not prevent every episode of mental illness, but they certainly might equip us to perhaps even proactively take on challenges rather than waiting for the crucible experiences to occur. And now I believe that I think part of personal growth and self-actualization, there’s a good chance, it does require those crucible experiences.
Suzy G:
But I think we could possibly complement that with proactively seeking out growth opportunities for ourselves, which most people like to stay in their comfort zones. They don’t tend to like to sit with the discomfort that accompanies moving out of our comfort zones. So I think for me, I’ve been really interested in this and I would love to hear your thoughts on this too, with having the need for these crucible, character building experiences versus how do we also proactively teach our children to stretch themselves and put themselves in perhaps not traumatic experiences, but growth experiences?
Warwick F:
Right, I mean, where it’s some risk.
Suzy G:
Yes.
Warwick F:
You enter into a school prize or you go for an athletic event or there’s a ballet recital, or you want to be in a play, whatever it is, there’s the risk of rejection. There’s a risk of somebody saying, “You’re really actually pretty awful. And I can’t believe you actually tried out for this part.” I mean, really-
Suzy G:
That’s right, which doesn’t tend to happen these days very often at school, unfortunately.
Warwick F:
No, but yeah, I mean, I’m somebody that loves history and you’d be hard pressed to think of a great leader that didn’t become who they were because of trauma. I mean, I think of one example in America, of Franklin Roosevelt. He was this happy go lucky, rich kid basically, which I wasn’t happy go lucky, but I could identify with the rich kid part. When he was growing up, man about town, good looking guy, candidate for vice president in I think 1922 election. And then kind of lo and behold in the ’20s, he suffered polio, which as an adult, was very rare. But it really at the time was a death sentence, at least politically he was considered, his mom said, “You should just stay home,” because it was almost like somehow you were blamed for it.
Warwick F:
But somehow between his wife and one of his close advisors, they got him back on his feet. So the person he became as president during the midst of the depression and encouraging people, the only thing to fear is fear itself. If some like rich kid in the middle of the depression, who could relate to that. But somebody, even though he didn’t talk about it, you could see him trying to get up to the podium to speak, with his boys is helping him. And he’s in great pain, as he’s actually trying to shuffle along in these hideous metal braces on his legs. The person he became would not have been possible without that crucible experience. So I mean, nobody would wish to have polio, but he became the person he was.
Warwick F:
I think of one other story that I personally can’t understand from a psychological perspective, because it makes no sense. There’s a woman by the name of Joni Eareckson Tada, who’s somebody in the faith realm, she had a radio show that’s listened to by, I don’t know, maybe millions. I mean, it’s very big. And she suffered a accident while diving, when she was a teenager. She’s athletic, very good on horses and she became a quadriplegic and that was probably maybe 40, 50 years ago, a very long time ago. And she’s had a huge impact on people with disabilities and wheelchairs. And she says this thing that I think is, it’s almost hideous. But she calls her wheelchair a passport to joy.
Suzy G:
Wow.
Warwick F:
Now, I don’t know what that means. I’m not saying I agree with that in any way, shape, or form. To me, that’s like wrong. But somehow she says, you’d have to understand the full context of that because that sounds repugnant. But I think what she’s getting at is the person she became through that horrendous, life altering accident was different than who she was before. I think that’s what maybe an inartful way or a way that’s at least grating-
Suzy G:
Exactly, it’s a major-
Warwick F:
Is that what you’ve seen? I know these are-
Suzy G:
Absolutely. I mean, for some people it might initially be a coping mechanism to reframe. And in fact, part of the psychological treatment is in part a reframe. We call it cognitive reframing, cognitive restructuring. So looking at a situation differently and I mean, that’s an amazing reframe to view it that way. And in fact, that’s what Seligman’s work around learned optimism draws on heavily. He has a very simple tool actually, that people might be interested in, called the ABCDE technique. So A is the adversity. So what is it that’s happened to you? B is the belief. Now that’s the belief that you hold, your perspective on that situation, which then leads to C, which is the consequence.
Suzy G:
So due to your beliefs on the situation, you can lead to a variety of emotional and behavioral consequences and Warwick, in 2008, I was working in Sydney through the GFC 2008, 2009. And I had a clinical practice and I had a executive coaching practice. I was just transitioning at the time and so I saw this in real life. I had people that were coming to me for exactly the same adversity, loss of job out of the blue. And these were people, I had one man say to me, “If you told me I’d be sitting in this chair a year ago, I would’ve laughed at you.” Very high performer in his role, loss of job. And so some people came for clinical treatment because they had beliefs of, “This is it, I’ll never get another job. I can’t put my kids through school.”
Suzy G:
A whole range of these types of beliefs, which then led to depressed mood, behavioral consequences in terms of not looking for another job even, “They don’t employ old people.” I heard that said so many times versus people that came to the exec coaching, which had the same situation, but had a belief, “Okay, I didn’t really expect this, but it might be just the opportunity to explore other areas of interests that I have. It might be an opportunity to change careers. So I could see it in real time, same situation, different perspective. And which they had, in a sense, had done by themselves before they’d even come to see me. But yeah, that reframe, the way that you look at a situation, has been found to have a significant impact on how you feel and how you do.
Gary S:
And this brings up an interesting point in an article that you sent us, Suzy, from the Journal of Loss and Trauma. And we talked at the outset about the scientific underpinnings of what Suzy does as compared to the experiential things that Warwick does, through Crucible Leadership. And the summary of this study on post-traumatic growth really gets to the point that you’re talking about, about reframing what happened and seeing it as an opportunity to move ahead. I’m just going to read a couple of lines from it.
Gary S:
“It would behoove humanitarian interventions to abandon erroneous assumptions and consider the other side of the coin in order to guard against undue bias toward making drama out of the trauma, however ‘justified’ it might be. It is the duty of applied anthropologists, psychologists, and others to venture beyond the fence of their own disciplines and acquire new skills to enable them to engage in interdisciplinary inquiry into the human spirit, which often rises above the trauma of war and other disasters. Understanding resilience, recovery, and post-traumatic growth, and transformation will help illuminate rather than eclipse paths leading to light at the end of the tunnel for disaster stricken individuals and their communities.” That right there is science unpacking what Warwick has talked about since founding Crucible Leadership and what you just talked about a few minutes ago.
Suzy G:
Exactly, and look, it is an emerging field and we do need more research on it. But all of us know people that have suffered adversity. And in fact, the early studies on resilience looked at children that were in adverse situations, that maybe twin studies, where one actually develop a psychiatric disorder and the other one’s flourished. And trying to understand what is it about those children or those qualities that allow them to do that. But yeah, the area is very, very interesting and it also talks about a shattering of our fundamental beliefs or schemas.
Suzy G:
And that’s often, it’s like what we call it in Australia, a what the moment, like what just happened? And then it does. And look, in many cases, particularly with trauma, as you would know, it does require professional assistance to work with a professional, to work through that process. Part of a post-traumatic stress disorder is because brain is like a filing system. It likes to be able to neatly file things, when life happens, it’s like, “Well, that fits here and that fits here.”
Suzy G:
And when something that comes out of left field, that doesn’t fit anywhere, the brain keeps bringing it up. It keeps re-emerging, which is why you have nightmares and dreams about it because the brain’s trying to file it. And so part of the healing process is often with, whether it’s a psychiatrist or a psychologist, trying to create a narrative around what happened and some meaning making through it. And then I guess a creation of a new, transformed self and what you’re going to do with that experience going forward.
Warwick F:
I mean, I think that’s so important. I think it’s changing a bit, but there used to be a case where unless you got to be locked up somewhere, you should never see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. There was the stigma about it. But it’s like with anything else, if you had some health issue, cancer of some description, you’d go to a doctor to seek help. Well, same with psychologists or psychiatrists. I think it’s very important, because for me at least, understanding kind of what I went through and why I was feeling what I was feeling, was very helpful. And maybe some of the things I was exposed to growing up, some of which were positive and some of which, like all of us, weren’t such positive influences. We all have our scars.
Warwick F:
So yeah, I mean, it’s hard to understand how some people bounce back and others don’t. I mean, obviously that’s what you study. I mean, it’s that whole thing with kids, nature or nurture. Anybody that’s had kids know they come out of the box a certain way. They’re influenced by us, and by life, and community, but some come out of the box, they’re athletes, or they’re scientists, or they’re artists. And I have no idea whether that’s true psychologically in terms of a tendency towards optimism, whether that’s learned, choice, nature, or all of the above. I mean, it’s probably a… Do you have any feeling on that? What mix is it? Is it a mix?
Suzy G:
Yeah, it is, definitely. And the area that I’ve been looking at, I guess more intensely over the last probably eight years, is called mental toughness. And it is actually a scientific construct. So it’s just a construct, a topic that’s been studied rigorously in science, primarily in the UK. And it’s being looked at in education as well. It comes off the back of some earlier research on cognitive hardiness and there was some great research done by Kobasa and Maddi and I think looking in the military as well.
Suzy G:
And so they have found that there is a genetic component and that some people are just born a bit tougher, if you like, than others. And some of the great insights that we have when we’re running this program, in leadership programs, is that for those that are scoring higher and you can actually take an assessment as well. For those that are scoring higher on the mental toughness assessment, they often don’t have patience or tolerance for others that aren’t like them.
Warwick F:
Interesting.
Suzy G:
So yeah, I have a partner who’s ex military, and I know in the early stages, we spoke a lot about, that not everybody’s like that. In fact, you’re possibly an outlier when it comes to this. And so, it often does bring great insight to people when they realize that no, not everyone is like that. Not everyone can just move on and build a bridge and get over things. In fact, the research says the majority of people aren’t like that. But the good news is, that we can learn some skills to cope a lot better with the dramas and the traumas that come along.
Warwick F:
That is the wonderful, maybe gift of crucible experience, it does teach you a bit of humility. I mean, certainly for me, humility has always been one of my highest values, even before the whole takeover thing. But yeah, I mean, when you lose a 2 billion plus business and if you Google me, that Wikipedia entry is still not favorable and probably never will. I often say you don’t want your self worth defined by Google or Wikipedia, at least not-
Suzy G:
No way.
Warwick F:
But one of the things I’d be curious is, I mean, one of the things I’ve viewed from my world at Crucible Leadership is, to a certain degree, you go through trauma, you can’t always control what happened. And yes, it could take years to get over and there’s counseling. And sometimes you could say, I’m going to get over it tomorrow when it could take 10, 20, it took me a decade or more to really begin to get beyond. But the word comes to mind is sort of choice. Am I going to try and deal with it and move forward? And that could be seeking counseling, and that could be saying, “Okay, what are the positive things I can learn from it?” Like in my case, not all of it was my fault.
Warwick F:
A lot of it was my fault. Okay, how do I accept ownership of that and blame, if you will, and then move on and forgive myself? A lot of thoughts going through my head. One is choice and the other word is forgiveness. Forgiving yourself, forgiving others. Like you think of abuse victims, is the classic case of how can you forgive the unforgivable? And from my perspective, not having gone through that, it’s like well, if you don’t, it holds you back again. Again, I’m not a psychologist, but it’s like you’re worth forgiving, even if they’re not. I guess I asked about three different questions in one. But basically, really the core one is choice and do you feel like there’s some degree of choice about how you deal with it, and one is positive, the other one leads to a not so positive path?
Suzy G:
Yeah and I think one of the major components of developing mental toughness or resilience is around our mindset. But the thing is, Warwick, it sounds really simple. Like I’ll just think differently, just change your thinking. But it’s actually really difficult to do. And nobody has got the silver bullet around how to change those neural pathways a lot quicker, because they’re well-worn pathways, which have often been there from our early childhood, adolescence. And the longer they go on, the stronger they are.
Suzy G:
So I mean, sometimes it is through these crucible experiences, that there has to be a rewiring and we have to start or we start seeing ourselves in situations differently. But yeah, so a large part of it is through our mindset. Now for some people, that’s relatively easy to do. And in fact, a lot of the work we do in the corporate sector, we find some people do it and they don’t even realize that it’s a skill. And then you have other people in the same team, where it’s like an aha moment, that they realize that they don’t have to be a victim to their thinking.
Suzy G:
That thoughts are not necessarily facts and that you can learn to be an observer and you can choose to think differently. But again, I think it depends on your environment. There’s a lot around who’s in your family, the messages you’ve been given as well. And so some people, a lot of people still, I guess, would think that they can’t change their thinking, which is why I’m going to use this opportunity to encourage people, why we need to learn it at school, because we may not be learning it at home as well. So I think yes, absolutely choice. But sometimes I think, sometimes we can judge people so harshly that they haven’t chosen to think differently or chosen to move on as well.
Warwick F:
Yep, that’s so true. I mean, you can never judge somebody, especially if those are shoes you’ve never walked in, circumstances you’ve never been through. But yeah. I mean, I think you mentioned a number of things there and in your writings about community mentorship. I know in my case, I’m blessed to have a amazing wife, I have three kids in their 20s. And yeah, I had some mixed messages growing up about my value or not value. But certainly from my own family, there’s always been one message, it’s unconditional love, which again, I’m not a psychologist. But you give somebody unconditional love, just like a flower, they will grow and thrive.
Suzy G:
Absolutely and I mean, so much research on that. Absolutely, and again, not everyone has that experience-
Warwick F:
And if you don’t have it, if you have continual and perpetual abuse psychologically and physically your whole life, from everybody you know, then recovering from that would seem to be difficult, if not close to impossible. I mean, if you did that, that’d be miracle. If you get-
Suzy G:
Yeah, and I guess that’s where like, yeah, where you said it might be a mentor comes along or it might be a school teacher that plays that role. So those roles are really important in our community,
Warwick F:
Right, because you don’t always have it from your family because you can’t choose where you’re born into. But you can choose your friends and that kind of thing. So please go ahead.
Suzy G:
I was just going to say, because you mentioned forgiveness and I think that’s a really important topic. The character strengths assessment that I mentioned before, forgiveness is one of the character strengths and having used it, it launched in 2004 and I’ve used it extensively over the years. And I haven’t actually seen any studies on it, but my experience has been, it’s quite rare that it occurs in someone’s top five character strengths. You often see it more so in their bottom five.
Suzy G:
I usually suggest to people, take this as an opportunity to reflect because there’s actually been probably over 30 forgiveness interventions that have been conducted now, to show that letting go of those strong negative emotions that we hold, that stony unforgiveness, is really bad for both your psychological and your physical wellbeing. Now having worked clinically again, forgiveness, I know, particularly if there’s been horrendous transgressions made, it is a quite a process to go through. But there’s also some great research around just letting go of grudges that people hold onto. So firstly, if you do the assessment, have a look at where it sits.
Suzy G:
If you do have some insights that you’re not a very forgiving person, I would absolutely encourage you to work on that. But what I have found is, for people where it’s in the top five and it may very well be in your top five Warwick too, is that when I’ve inquired about, “Why do you think that is?” I’ve had a couple of different responses. The first is, that I grew up in a family where it was a topic. Maybe something had happened to the family and it had been a family discussion or it had been a value, a value that the family had placed value on. Or they had been through an experience where they’d had to actively work on forgiving someone else or forgiving themselves. And that’s why it turns up in the top five.
Warwick F:
Yeah, I know for me it was like both. I had to forgive myself, if I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t have been very functional. But again, maybe forgive some other people in my own family for sort of certain negative role models or impact on my life. But for me, growing up in a powerful family media business, I used to joke, you know how some kids in, I don’t know, middle school, primary school, they have like, somebody sticks a note on their back that says, “Kick me,” it’s fun. I always felt like I have one that says, “Betray me.” I mean, it’s like I had a lot of experience in different financial things and what have you.
Warwick F:
So to me, it was like a survival, it’s like, okay, in an ideal world, when somebody wrongs you, they apologize. They say, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me.” In the real world, that rarely happens, unfortunately, even when you try and have that conversation. It’s like, “Oh, not my problem,” or there’s the dreaded sorry of, “I’m sorry if that hurt you.” Which means nothing. It’s almost demeaning I find, when people say that. But for me, from my paradigm is, I come from a faith based paradigm, so that helps to a degree, in that from a Christian perspective, you forgive because we’re forgiven, which obviously is not going to help everybody. But it does to a degree, in the faith community. But it’s almost more practically, I feel like forgiveness is important because we’re worth it, because-
Suzy G:
Yeah, it’s a gift to yourself, actually.
Warwick F:
Even if what they did to you was horrendous and wrong and ‘unforgivable’, by holding that grudge, it holds you back. So it’s not so much they’re worth forgiving because objectively they might not be. But you are, by letting go, it helps you move on. And by not forgiving, you’re in a cage and why let them win? You win by letting go. So again, I think if so many great leaders, they don’t hold grudges. I think Winston Churchill was a great role model for that. Time and time again, he made a lot of his own mistakes, but he never held grudges.
Warwick F:
And there was the classic 1945 election where Clement Attlee, the Labor politician won. Here is Churchill thinking, “Look, I just saved Britain, maybe the world, from Hitler and Nazism and this is the thanks I get. Voted out of office. They want national healthcare and other things. I get that, but really?” So somebody made fun of Clement Attlee, then the Labor Prime Minister and he said, “Don’t you dare do that. He’s our Prime Minister, I may disagree with his politics. But you don’t make fun of him. He’s our Prime Minister. We don’t go there.” But he was somebody that really, he made a lot of mistakes, but he had a tremendous capacity, maybe forgive isn’t the right word in this case, but not hold grudges.
Suzy G:
Yes, absolutely.
Warwick F:
So, that required a huge resilience in his mind.
Suzy G:
I think that would be a huge part of this. And depending on what happened to you, whether it was someone or something that happened. That, that process of, I mean, acceptance is the other, the word I guess, that comes to mind. And often you’ll get people pushing back on that. Why should I have to accept that? Again, it is quite a process of accepting what is and what you can’t change. But what can you change or what can you influence going forward as well?
Warwick F:
The other fact I’d be curious to get your thoughts on is, we talk about it a bit, pain for a purpose. And it’s obviously impossible to know fully, in terms of some higher power and why things happen or why things are allowed to happen. That’s a whole vigorous debate and theological or spiritual circles, which would be a whole ‘nother discussion. But I often find that the people that bounce back, they’re able to find some meaning, whether it’s a breast cancer survivor, just helping other people who’ve gone through that.
Warwick F:
They’re using their pain to help others. It doesn’t mean it’s right or fair, but somehow, by finding some purpose in what you’re going through to help others, that anecdotally seems to be very, there’s a healing balm. There’s a healing component when you’re focused on using your pain to help others. I mean, even if your value system doesn’t say you should do that. From a psychological helping, if helping other people is going to help you, why not be self centered and help other people? At the risk of being facetious. But have you found out in your research that helping others can be healing to a degree?
Suzy G:
Yeah, there’s a huge amount of research that even sits separately around altruism and the psychological benefits. I mean, obviously the people are benefiting that are on the receiving end, but we get a boost to our own psychological wellbeing through the giving and the altruism. But as I said before, I mean, part of I guess, the recovery or the treatment for trauma is often that sort of meaning making process, which can be difficult to do and can take quite a bit of time, as you said.
Suzy G:
But I mean, I’m really interested in that sort of intersection with the spiritual aspect of it as well. And in fact, that is an area that hasn’t received a lot of attention in the field of positive psychology, up until recently. And there’s a recent group that’s just formed with the International Pos-Psych Association. I’ve been asked to be part of that group, to have some discussions around spirituality and religion and the role that they play in our wellbeing.
Warwick F:
It is an interesting discussion because even if you look at it from more of a humanistic perspective, I think the whole spiritual thing, irrespective of religion, that it’s all, I remember what Karl Marx said, that religion is the opiate of the masses. That was his perspective. But even if it’s not real, if it works and it helps, then maybe there’s some delusions and obviously I don’t think if it is an illusion, but even if it is, if it’s helpful, a sense of purpose, there’s a better place that you’re going to.
Warwick F:
God loves you no matter what, just like even if you don’t have unconditional love from any human. The fact that there’s a spiritual entity that loves you unconditionally, even if it doesn’t exist, that sheer notion if helpful. The fact that there’s meaning and there’s certainly components of that, that can help. But to me, sort of the message what I’m hearing you say, Suzy, is that I love your caution in the sense that it’s not a choice where, okay, today I’m a broken person. Tomorrow, I’ll be functional and healed.
Warwick F:
I mean, I didn’t go through massive abuse or that kind of thing, but even in my world, the family business thing, it took a decade or more to begin to claw my way back in terms of positive self esteem. And it was baby step, by baby step. I mean, if there’s one word from the uneducated person in this field, it would be baby steps. What’s a baby step I could take and yeah, take a job. And it was low paid thing in the financial services. But okay, I can do something well without screwing up. Okay, great, and then little by little, then you get approval from what you’re doing and self esteem comes back. But it’s not overnight, but it is a journey, it is sort of mission possible, if you will, to recover from… What does recover mean? I don’t know exactly, but to at least be in a better place than you were.
Suzy G:
Yes, I had a wonderful mentor when I first started off as a psychologist. She was a psychologist and she’d heard I was working in a psychiatric clinic and actually rang me. She didn’t know who I was and said, “Will you come and work for me?” She said, “You can sit in with me for two weeks and watch what I do.” And she only passed away last year, she was 93 as well. And oh, what an incredible experience that was. Again, it was down in the Illawarra, so we had really diverse clients coming in. People that had lost children, people with cancer, just everything that you can imagine.
Suzy G:
And I always recall, I’ve actually kept some notes from those sessions, I call them Patsy’s Pearls because I learned some amazing pearls from the stories and the way that she worked with people. But I remember how she said to many people, “Right now this is awful, this is painful. But in time to come,” and she said, “And that time will come, you’ll be able to look back at that situation and you’ll be able to understand perhaps why or you’ll come to terms with it a lot better than you are now.” But she said, “There’s no science to this, but you’ll find that you come across somebody or people that are going through a similar experience and you’re going to be able to help them.” And now in my life, that has absolutely been the experience.
Warwick F:
And that is very comforting, to think that I can help other people. So that’s why I find this whole post-traumatic growth, it’s so encouraging, I love the fact that you’re thinking of and now, are trying help kids because giving, as kids, they can go through horrific experiences, very sadly. But oftentimes, there’s more to come and so giving them some tools to be proactive. I mean, that does help. I think that’s really well worth it. So I love this whole concept of post-traumatic growth. So hopefully, it’s gaining traction, it will gain more traction and people will realize, this is worthy of studying. If it’s going to help people, why shouldn’t psychologists study it?
Suzy G:
Absolutely, and there’s also another emerging field, called post-ecstatic growth, Warwick, which is looking at people that have I guess, really uplifting moments of awe or elevation in their lives. And they seem to have similar outcomes in terms of a recognition of a spiritual life for example, or an increased focus on really working out what is a meaningful relationship? And changing their priorities in their life. So that’s again, fairly new out of the University of Pennsylvania again. But yes, some wonderful areas of research that do fall under this umbrella term of positive psychology.
Gary S:
That is an excellent point for us to begin the process, I like to call landing the plane. So we’re not quite on the ground yet. But I can hear the gear going down and the guys with their little flashlights on the runway. One of the things I want to stress for listener, as you’ve listened into this conversation between Warwick and Suzy, is that you’ve heard some of the same language used from Warwick, who built Crucible Leadership as a brand, rooted in story, rooted in anecdote. And from Suzy, who is talking about things from a scientific, psychological perspective. And one of the things Suzy, frankly, that led us to reach out to you to be a guest, is the acronym for the Positivity Institute that you’ve created.
Gary S:
Actually, I’m looking at an acronym for CIVIL and one of the things that shows up as I’m looking at it, I could be reading the Crucible Leadership website because I see words like character. I see words like integrity, I see words like authenticity, I see legacy. I see this commitment to making a difference in the world, mentoring and developing young people, doing meaningful work for causes that matter. That could be right off of the Crucible Leadership website that Warwick has created. So in our last couple of minutes here, for listeners who’ve heard this and are intrigued, want to know more. How can they find out more about the Positivity Institute and about you?
Suzy G:
Oh, thank you, thanks so much. Well go to the website, the positivityinstitute.com.au. We’ve got a number of resources in there. We do offer services for individuals, we do virtual coaching. We do, as I mentioned, some wonderful work in schools. And most of our work is actually in the corporate sector, in the workplace as well. So yeah, absolutely, first stop there. You can contact us if you’ve heard anything on here today that you want to learn more about. The email address is on the website, but it’s just info@thepositivityinstitute.com.au. Happy to share for those that really want the academic, rigorous papers. Happy to send those through.
Suzy G:
Also, point you in the right direction. We also have, I put together a document for further recommended courses, in both positive psychology and coaching psychology, which range from certificates right through to PhDs. And I’ll also give a plug, there are a couple, possibly even three now, MOOCs. So a MOOC is a massive open online course, that you can do for free through the University of Pennsylvania. They have one on positive psychology. Yale has, apparently the most popular course at Yale, on positive psychology. And you can do these courses for free, if you don’t want certification. So if you want to learn more, that would be also a great place to go to.
Gary S:
Fabulous, I’m going to wrap up here in just a second, Warwick with some key takeaways from this discussion. But I want to give you one last chance to ask Suzy any question. I know you well enough to know that there’s one in there somewhere, so.
Warwick F:
Well, maybe just an observation, is just I think it’s so encouraging, Suzy, what you’re doing with positive psychology and helping people find meaning in what happened and acceptance and mentors, relationships. It’s not easy, but even if you hadn’t been born with certain characteristics or skills, you can learn. And psychology should indeed focus on some of the clinical traumas, but it should also focus on the positive side, how to come back from a crucible experience. So as Gary said, just the whole CIVIL acronym connectivity, ingenuity, vitality, integrity, legacy.
Warwick F:
I mean, wow. It’s just like I mean, I agree with everything that’s there, it’s so positive. So yeah, I think it’s encouraging, more people need to hear about what you’re doing. That it is possible to bounce back from crucible experiences and from trauma. And it is possible to have a positive attitude to life and it’s not easy, it’s not going to happen overnight. But even if people knew, okay, it won’t happen overnight, maybe it will take 10, 20, 30 years, maybe a lifetime. But there are baby steps of growth each day, that gives you a reason to get up in the morning. Even if it’s going to be a long journey, right? If it’s like, okay, I made a positive step today, hooray, right?
Suzy G:
Yup.
Warwick F:
It may not seem big to others, to me, it seemed like leaping a chasm, that’s what it takes.
Suzy G:
Yeah, and it builds a sense of confidence, those baby steps. You stop and think, “Right, I can do it, I can do it.” And then you’re building those positive, hopeful. Again, lots of research around hope theory and in psychology as well. So we’re building hopeful narratives for the future. But we do need more people talking about this. So thank you also, for the work that you do because I can assure you it’s underpinned by science, based on what you’ve been referring to today as well. So yeah, thank you, thanks for the opportunity, for speaking with you today.
Gary S:
This is when I know that we’ve had a great show, is that I always at the end do, here’s three key takeaways. And Warwick just stole every one of them, in what he just said-
Warwick F:
Sorry.
Gary S:
No, it’s beautiful. His observation of his conversation with you, Suzy and listener, just summarized everything I was going to say. So I don’t need to say what I was going to say for those key takeaways because Warwick summed them up beautifully. And what I want to leave you with, listener, is a couple of things. One, hear the similarities in what Warwick has talked about, experientially, in his own story and the stories of other guests that we’ve had on the show. And what Suzy’s talked about, scientifically. She said it, right at the end, just a few minutes, like two minutes ago. That what Warwick speaks about, what Crucible Leadership leads you to, is underpinned by the science.
Gary S:
That is, if you take nothing else away, know that, that is both experientially true and scientifically true. And that’s a powerful recipe for moving beyond your crucible. From our perspective at Crucible Leadership, to learn more about what Warwick does, you can visit our website at crucibleleadership.com. You also can subscribe to the podcast, if you’re just listening to it because a friend passed it along, find the subscribe button on the app that you’re listening to and subscribe to it. Because if you do that, you will not miss any episodes. You’ll get every new episode when it comes out.
Gary S:
And we have a new one almost every week, three times to four times a month. You’ll get a new episode every time and it will help us, if you subscribe, to reach more people. So share it with your friends. If this conversation enlightened you, if this conversation encouraged you, share that with your friends, so that, that enlightenment and encouragement can get passed along. So until the next time that we’re together, thank you for spending time with us at Beyond The Crucible.
Gary S:
And remember this clarion truth, as we have discussed here, both experientially from Warwick and scientifically from Suzy, that crucible experiences are difficult. They’re painful things that can knock the wind out of your sails and knock you off the course that your boat was going. But they’re not the end of your story. In fact, if you learn the lessons of those crucible experiences, if you manifest resilience, you can write a new story. And the first chapter of that story will lead you down a path toward the ultimate goal, a life of significance.
I have always been drawn to heroic leadership. Great leaders faced with impossible odds doing great deeds. But in an upcoming episode of the Beyond the Crucible podcast with Professor Joseph Badaracco of the Harvard Business School, we touched on another approach to leadership: quiet leadership which he discussed in his book Leading Quietly. We went on to focus for much of the podcast on Professor Badaracco’s latest book Step Back, which explores how leaders can reflect during their busy lives.
In an article in the Harvard Business Review (“We Don’t Need Another Hero” – Sept. 2001), which came out around the time Leading Quietly did, there is this quote talking about how quiet leadership is practical, effective and sustainable. “Quiet leaders prefer to pick their battles and fight them carefully rather than go down in a blaze of glory for a single, dramatic effort.” In the book, Professor Badaracco talks about how quiet leaders nudge, test and escalate gradually, and seek compromise. They view strong measures and heroism as the last resort, not the first choice or standard model.
As I listened to Professor Badaracco and read these words, about how leading quietly was a better model than the more celebrated view of heroic leadership, they haunted me. Not only was I raised on the heroic leadership model, but I used it when I launched the A $2.25B takeover of my family’s media company in Australia in 1987. The takeover, after three years, ultimately failed, causing me and other family members much pain.
I was raised on the philosophy of great leaders, often great men, doing great deeds. My father and I often talked about history, which was a particular passion we shared. My father particularly loved English history. So I was raised on stories of Admiral Lord Nelson defeating the French and Spanish fleets in the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805, as well as the Duke of Wellington defeating Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo in 1815. There was, of course, Prime Minister Winston Churchill standing up to the might of Nazi Germany during World War II, during the dark days of the Battle of Britain in 1940. Later on, I came to be fascinated with American history with its heroes, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. These were leaders who did not shrink from the challenge, and against impossible odds they prevailed.
My father also read to me, when I was quite young, Charles Kingsley’s book, The Heroes, written in the late 1880s. It spoke of the mythical exploits of Greek heroes: Perseus, Jason and the Argonauts and Theseus.
I had quite the diet of heroes. Growing up in a family newspaper business, after my father was removed as Chairman of John Fairfax Ltd. in 1976 by other relatives, my parents saw me as the heir apparent. They hoped that one day I would ascend to a leading position within the company and from their perspective bring it back to the ideals of the founder (my great-great grandfather), and ensure that the company was well-managed.
After I launched the takeover, things went wrong from the start. Other family members sold out, our asset sale program was affected by the October 1987 stock market crash, and when Australia faced a significant economic recession in 1990, the company had to file for bankruptcy. One hundred fifty years of family control ended on my watch.
Because I believed the company was not being well run and not being run in line with the ideals of John Fairfax, I went in all guns blazing, so to speak, to save the day. It all went terribly wrong, causing not only financial impact to the company and of course myself, but difficult feelings among family members.
Might there have been a better way? This is where leading quietly calls more for patience, humility and knowing when it is time to do something and when it is time not to. It is impossible to know for certain whether quiet leadership might have worked better. It could hardly have made things any worse than my actions did.
So here are some key attributes from my perspective of leading quietly:
1. Be Humble.
Don’t assume that you are the one to save the day. Something may need to be done, but you may or you may not be the one to do it.
2. Be Patient.
Something may need to be done, by you or someone else, but perhaps not now. Sometimes waiting is the most prudent thing to do. Shortly after the company went bankrupt, a book was written about me and the takeover called The Man Who Couldn’t Wait. Its thesis was that one day I would have had enough shares to be in a leading position within the family company, if I had only waited. While I may feel like this may be a bit simplistic, it still causes me to pause.
3. Build Alliances.
Often while waiting, the best thing we can do is ask others about the challenge that your organization or your endeavor is facing. See what they think. Over time, you might coalesce a group of people around a common purpose or vision.
4. Learn.
Don’t assume you know everything before you take decisive action. I had graduated from Harvard Business School, shortly before I returned to Australia. How much did I gather information and learn first-hand the situation at the company, rather than getting information second-hand and though my parents? Not enough.
5. Know your Design.
I felt that since something had to be done, and if not me then who, that I was going to launch the takeover to make what I felt were needed changes. These changes may have been ones my parents felt were needed, but was I the one to do them? I am at heart a reflective adviser. I don’t seek the limelight, and I don’t typically enjoy being the up-front leader. Leading a large media company, with newspapers, TV stations, radio stations and magazines, constantly in the limelight, was the last thing I wanted to do. I was not a take no-prisoners-leader. It was a terrible fit for my design, for my basic wiring.
What’s interesting is that when we think of heroic leaders such as George Washington, they actually used more of the attributes of quiet leadership than we might imagine. In late 1775 and early 1776, the Continental Army of the American colonies was laying siege to Boston. The British forces were well-entrenched. Month after month, Washington would consult his generals, most of whom had more strategic military experience than he did. He wanted to assault the British forces, but month after month his generals said not yet. This made Washington very frustrated and impatient. Yet he realized they were probably right. So he listened to the wise counsel of his generals and waited. Finally, in February 1776, Washington’s generals said yes. Colonel Knox had brought cannon from Fort Ticonderoga on Lake Champlain to the Dorchester Heights overlooking Boston. At this point, the British felt they had to withdraw with a hardly a shot being fired. Quiet leadership had won the day.
So perhaps my view of heroic leadership lacked some context. History is full of great leaders accomplishing great deeds against the odds, but some of them also were humble and patient, built alliances, learned and knew their design (what they were good at and what they were not good at). In short, perhaps truly great heroic leaders can also be quiet leaders.
Reflection
How much do you gravitate towards the typical heroic leadership model?
What attributes of quiet leadership could make your leadership more effective?
Which aspect of quiet leadership do you most need to work on first?
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Heroic leaders like Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln get movies made about them — just like superheroes such as Batman and Captain America. But the rousing triumphs that echo through history, or comic books, aren’t the whole story — or even sometimes the best story. Quietness, patience and humility are key qualities of success and significance even for great leaders.
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Transcript
Gary S:
Welcome everybody to this episode of Beyond the Crucible. I’m Gary Schneeberger, the cohost of the podcast and the communications director for Crucible Leadership. And we’re thrilled to have you with us here on a podcast that is about facing those crucible moments in our lives. And we define crucible moments here at Crucible Leadership, we define those as experiences that are failures, setbacks, tragedies, traumas. Maybe they’re things that you caused, maybe they’re things that happen to you, but all of them have in common this thing that you probably know all too well, and that is they’re painful.
Gary S:
They can feel like they knock the wind out of your sails. They can feel like they have changed the trajectory of your life. And the reason that we talk about them here is so that we can learn lessons from them, and so that we can apply those lessons as we move on and move, as the title of the show says, beyond our crucibles. Many times when we have these conversations, we do this with a guest. So there’s three of us; there’s me, there’s a guest and there is the founder of Crucible Leadership and the host of the show, Warwick Fairfax.
Gary S:
This time though, we’re on one of those episodes where it’s just Warwick and I, and really me picking Warwick’s brain to talk about certain principles about Crucible Leadership. About overcoming your crucibles, that you can apply to your lives as you move forward. And today’s episode is going to be particularly interesting, I think, because we’re going to dive deeply again into Warwick’s personal story. So as we do that, let me welcome you in Warwick. And this is going to be a good conversation for me for sure but then again, I don’t have to relive some of the pain that you have to relive as you go through it.
Warwick F:
Yeah, well said, Gary. No, I’m definitely looking forward to it. It’s a fascinating topic we’re going to be talking about today.
Gary S:
And the topic is an organizing construct, listener. The topic is Leading Quietly: Humility as a Pillar of Success. And what we talk about here in Crucible Leadership, significance. And by leading quietly, we mean not necessarily just as an organizing way of looking at this, we don’t mean not leading arrogantly. It’s not humility opposite arrogance, so much as humility, as opposed to leading “heroically.” We’re going to talk a little bit about this idea of heroic leadership. And there are times, many times, that humble leadership, quiet leadership that isn’t heroic leadership is the way to go. And Warwick, as listeners will know, you’ve experienced that in your life. That heroic leadership, isn’t always the best way to go.
Warwick F:
Absolutely. And really where the idea for this particular podcast came about is in the upcoming weeks we’re going to have a conversation with Professor Joseph Badaracco, really on reflection. And he’s written a book on that, but a book that he’s known for really came out quite a few years ago, almost 20 years ago. 2001 thereabouts, Leading Quietly. And we just spend a few minutes on the podcast on that, but that concept of quiet leadership and how that’s different than heroic leadership, it made me think a lot because I grew up with the heroic leadership model. That’s something that I tried to live by much to my cost.
Warwick F:
So we only touched on it with Professor Badaracco, but I think both Gary and I thought let’s talk a bit more about what quiet leadership is, at least from my perspective, from Crucible Leadership’s perspective and how that’s different than heroic leadership. So that’s where it came and why it’s fascinating. At least to me, a fascinating subject to talk about.
Gary S:
And when you say, Warwick, that you grew up in heroic leadership circumstances, one of the things I think that’s fascinating about your story is that you grew up in that situation on two fronts. There’s the front of the legacy that was there in the family, the founding of Fairfax Media by your great-great-grandfather. And then how you grew up and the family’s perceptions, the family’s vision for you and your life. Can you unpack that for listeners? How the idea of “heroic leadership,” permeated your life for most of your life, prior to your crucible experience?
Warwick F:
Yeah, I just grew up with that mindset. My dad just loved history and he would read a lot of books about history. And so since he was an Anglophile, really loved England, even though we’d lived in Australia for generations. Just the whole Winston Churchill, Lord Horatio Nelson, Admiral Nelson of battle of Trafalgar fame in the early 1800s, Duke of Wellington, again, similar period Napoleonic wars. It was this idea and back then, it’s a lot of years ago, is typically great men doing great deeds. There was this concept of heroic leadership.
Warwick F:
In fact, I remember when I was very small, I was six, he read to me a book, I think written in the 1800s by Charles Kingsley called The Heroes. And it was all about these classic Greek mythical heroes, Jason and the Argonauts, Perseus, Theseus, people doing incredible heroic feats. And so, as I was growing up, there was the narrative from my parents that I was to be the white knight, the hero, the crusader that would come in and save the day. The backstory, which I’ve talked a little bit about on other podcasts, is there was friction in the family going back decades as there often is in large family media businesses.
Warwick F:
As listeners will know, I grew up in this 150 year old large family media business that had the equivalent in Australia of New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal. Had TV, radio stations, magazines, a massive company, but for a variety of reasons, there was friction going back decades with my dad and some other relatives. And in 1976, some of those relatives actually had enough shares to throw my father out as chairman. One could debate whether that was the right or wrong move. Obviously I was 15 at the time I was his son, and naturally didn’t think it was such a good idea, but maybe there’s another side.
Warwick F:
So once he was thrown out in 1976, my parents saw me as the next generation, the person that could bring the company back to the ideals of the founder. I don’t know that it was consciously seeking revenge, I wasn’t consciously thinking about that, but it amped up the whole heroic leadership mantra, myth perhaps. So then, as listeners will know, did my undergrad degree at Oxford, worked on Wall Street, then went to Harvard Business School, come back and in 1987, I launched this $2.25 billion takeover in Australia. And it was the heroic leadership model and things went wrong right from the beginning.
Warwick F:
There was too much debt, stock market crashed hurt our asset sales, within three years the company went under, and I’m reminded of something that Professor Badaracco said in an article that was written about the same time as his book in early 2000s. It’s called, We Don’t Need Another Hero. It’s Harvard Business Review article, and there’s a quote he says in there, here’s the quote, and he talks about quiet leadership and he says, “Quiet leadership is practical, effective, and sustainable.”
Warwick F:
And then he says this, “Quiet leaders prefer to pick their battles and fight them carefully rather than go down in a blaze of glory for a single dramatic effort.” Well, I did exactly what Professor Badaracco is saying you shouldn’t do. I went down literally in a single dramatic blaze of glory.
Gary S:
Right.
Warwick F:
It felt heroic, like The Charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean war in the 1850s. A famous poem, I think it’s Tennyson and you know, “Guns to the left of them, guns to the right of them. Onward rode the five hundred” For movie folks, there’s a famous movie from the thirties with Errol Flynn in which he stars as the gallant captain riding to his death. Certain death, but what a gallant cavalry charge it was, doomed to failure, suicide. That was my, “I may go down all guns blazing, but my gosh, I’m going to try.”
Warwick F:
It was stupid in hindsight, but so, when professor Badaracco was talking about heroic leadership and why that’s not really the way to go in many cases, well, that struck a chord because that’s the approach I took and it didn’t work out so well. So yes, I’m a living testimony to heroic leadership is overrated.
Gary S:
And we’ll talk more about quiet leadership, alternative ways to that unleashing hell as they say in the movie Gladiator, “on my command, unleash hell,” right? We’ll talk more about other ways to approach leadership as we continue talking. But one of the things that that’s fascinating to me is that one of the reasons why heroic leadership is so attractive, so popular is because it tends to be the heroic leaders who get movies made about them. I think of Abraham Lincoln, I think of Winston Churchill, I think of Steve jobs in more recent times, I think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt. I think of those heroic leaders who get the heroic attention.
Gary S:
And then beyond that, there’s the whole superhero genre of filmmaking and the popularity of comic books and those kinds of things. And Batman’s the hero and Batman’s saving Gotham city, but one thing that those movies don’t do, and I’m a huge superhero fan, a huge Batman fan. I’ve seen every movie and TV show and I own all of them. One thing they never show in there is that he had to build the bat cave. If you don’t have a bat cave, you don’t have Batman. So yes, there’s that heroic nature of what Churchill did, what Batman does, but that’s not the whole story. So it can be attractive, it can be exciting to be part of that. But as you pointed out, that’s not always the best course of action.
Warwick F:
It’s not. And it’s funny, as I’ve been pondering the whole heroic versus quiet leadership, I think one of the things that can be a misnomer is we focus on the defining event. We don’t focus on the lead up. As you pointed out with Batman, I haven’t seen any movies talk about the construction of the Bat cave. Yes, we hear about the earlier days when Bruce Wayne’s parents that are killed in an alley by, I guess, a young Joker in this defining moment that takes him into a different direction. But we don’t hear too much about those intervening decades, at least not in most Batman movies. So, what’s the backstory that led him to be who he was and what was the process?
Warwick F:
So I think of some of the folks we’re talking about, Washington and Lincoln, one good example is you think of the early years of the American Revolution in 1776 and there was a great victory in which the Continental Army of the American colonies forced the British out from Boston Harbor and they all had to flee. And what we often don’t remember is the months that took to get there in the months leading up to this battle, Washington wanted to go in there, all guns blazing and his generals who were frankly, more experienced military commanders than he was, as he readily admitted, said, “Well, sorry, General Washington. We just don’t think in a very entrenched position in Boston, we just don’t think it would make sense.”
Warwick F:
Month after month, he would have a council of war, month after month they would say, “Sorry, not yet.” And it would just frustrate him, no end. He was just like, “Seriously, are you kidding me?” He was just so impatient, but yet he had the wisdom. It’s like, “I may be the head guy here, but my team is really smart and a lot more experienced at military campaigning than I.” And so he kept waiting and waiting eventually Colonel Knox brought some cannon from Fort Ticonderoga on the Hudson river over, they snuck him up one night onto the Dorchester Heights. And the cannons had such a great position that the British fleet left without hardly firing a shot at that point.
Warwick F:
And so, you think of the heroic moment of Washington having the British leave Boston. But we don’t remember is that quiet leadership, the patience of getting everything together. And so that was the genius of Washington is he was patient, he overcame his natural impulses, or you think of Lincoln and the great Emancipation Proclamation I think it came out in 1863, well, in the months leading up to it, it’s like, “I’m not going to announce this until, we, as the North actually have a victory.” And apparently it happened at Antietam that it was enough of a victory that he could say, “Okay, now we’ve got to announce it,” but he was waiting and waiting for the right time because announcing at the wrong time, maybe it would have not gone as well.
Warwick F:
So the bottom line is even heroic leaders, as prominent as Washington and Lincoln, they showed some level of patience and self control to wait. Traits that obviously I didn’t have. That I didn’t wait, which maybe things could have gone differently. So, we have this image of heroic leaders, but you peel back the layers, you go underneath and they’re heroic, but there’s some wisdom, there’s some quiet leadership attributes if you will, behind the heroism, which we don’t often realize.
Gary S:
To put that into a superhero context, as I like to do all the time, you’ve got to do the legwork before you do the cape work. As we’ve said, there is no Batman without a bat cave, you’ve got to have strategy. You’ve got to have planning. You’ve got to wait for the right moment. One of the things that Joseph Badaracco talks about when he talks about quiet leaders is that three things that characterize them is that in their leadership and in solving problems and for the sake of our conversation and moving beyond their crucibles, they buy time, they bend the rules a little bit. They look for ways to do things that are different than what might normally be planned. And they compromise, not necessarily their values, but they compromise those things that aren’t intractable values for them. By quieter I think we mean more intentional, more careful, more reasoned, more cautious. Is that fair?
Warwick F:
Yeah, absolutely is. I think the word comes to mind as they’re more thoughtful. There’s a phrase that somebody told me once, “Does something need to be done?” But then the next question is, “Am I the right person to do it?” As another aspect of leadership. So it’s knowing, “Okay, something may need to be done. Am I the right person?” And you might be. Or maybe there’s a better person who’s more equipped, more experienced, maybe frankly, more leveraged in terms of the people that need to be persuaded. So it’s more about, “Okay, does something need to be done?” And then, “Who is the best one to do it?” And that’s not abdicating responsibility. You can still have conversations and maybe do some things to make things happen. But a big part of it is patience, just waiting for the right time, building alliances to your perspective about what needs to be done.
Warwick F:
Lincoln spent years trying to build alliances to get the abolition of slavery through. It took a lot of intents of patience, building alliances, and one of the biggest ones is just humility, is stop looking to be the knight in shining armor that saves the day, to be Batman or Superman, to have your name in lights, as the great hero. If you really believe in the cause, whether it’s, like Lincoln, which almost feels like the ultimate cause, the abolition of slavery, it’s about getting the job done. It’s not about who gets the credit. It’s not about having your name in lights as Superman, that kind of thing. It’s really learning what you need to learn. It’s just, there’s a sense of humility of knowing what needs to be done when and patience, and you mentioned buying time.
Warwick F:
Sometimes it’s, now’s not the right time, but you find ways to buy time, whether it’s do more research and Joseph Badaracco, his book talks about getting legal’s opinion, HR, there’s some practical tools you can use that are justifiable to buy time. So, really the heroic leader, it’s it tends to be all about them going down in a blaze of glory rather than the quiet leader is more, “Let’s get it done, let’s not worry about who gets the credit and let’s be patient. And if it doesn’t happen this year, then maybe it’s next year.” It’s a different, frankly more practical and also in the long run, probably a more successful model of leadership.
Gary S:
Yeah, and again, listener, to be clear when we talk about humility, we don’t mean necessarily humility in opposition to arrogance in the sense that “heroic leaders,” truly are trying to solve problems, are trying to create better outcomes. That’s certainly what you were trying to do, Warwick. I don’t think you were motivated in your takeover of Fairfax Media. I don’t think you were trying to do it to get a bunch of accolades for yourself. I think you were trying to do it because, as you’ve said, you wanted to return the company to the vision of the founder, your great-great-grandfather.
Gary S:
There was some urging and also wanting to live up to the vision that was cast for you by your parents. But to the extent that you can do this, let’s rewind the clock to the takeover. And had you had access to Dr. Badaracco’s book and the things that he said in it when you were about to launch the takeover, had you processed some of those ideas of buying time, compromising, bending the rules, not needing to be the hero on the white steed, but taking your time, seeking counsel from others, all of those things. Can you even say, how might you have acted differently in that process?
Warwick F:
It’s a great question. Obviously what happened, it’s hard to conceive that it could have gone worse, so surely trying something else might’ve been helpful. But yeah, you raise some good points. I wasn’t consciously trying to do something to hurt people, even though maybe my subconscious, I was thinking of ’76 and other family members throwing my dad out as chairman. It wasn’t a conscious thought it was more management needs to be changed because they’re making some decisions that I thought wasn’t so good. Sale of the television network, which is a whole nother saga that I talk more about in the upcoming book, which will hopefully come out next year, Crucible Leadership and get into that story a bit more.
Warwick F:
The details don’t matter for the topic of our conversation, but it was really twin goals. It’s bring the company back to the ideals of the founder, which in my perception had drifted a bit, and see that the company was being well managed. So I felt like if I didn’t do something soon, more what I thought was dumb decisions like the sale of the Seven TV network would happen. A media company selling TV station didn’t make sense to me. So, let’s assume all of my assumptions were accurate, and they may not have been, but by launching this takeover, it caused a lot of ill feelings with family members. They sold out at fairly high prices and all, but all that being said, there was a lot of ill will, “Why did you do this Warwick?”
Warwick F:
Yes, there was speculation that after my dad died, that people were going to takeover the company, but, with close to 50%, that would have been very tough if we hung together. And so rather than talking to them and over time, over a number of years, trying to get some respect, within other family members involved in the company respect in the terms of me earning their respect for working in the company, building alliances.
Warwick F:
Maybe I was wrong about management. I don’t think so, but building some alliances for potential change in management, maybe trying to influence management. I’m a little skeptical that would have happened, but just showing some patience rather than going in all guns blazing, at least if I had tried, then maybe that would have been a better, less, frankly violent and hostile circumstances. Ultimately, staying in that company if people didn’t want good management, didn’t want to bring it back to the ideals of the founder, which obviously they would have probably disagreed with that premise, it’s a complex story. Would I have sold out, it would have been difficult.
Warwick F:
But yeah, certainly what I did didn’t make sense, but the value for me is I got out of a very difficult, complex situation, so it’s hard to look at. It probably would have been better for the company if I didn’t do that, the takeover. Would it have been better for me personally? I don’t know, but logically it would have been better to try some of those quiet leadership attributes, I still would have been locked into a company doing something that I potentially didn’t really enjoy. So it’s a different story than quiet leadership, but that’s why the whole do over thing gets really complicated. But yeah, certainly what I did wasn’t particularly helpful, and there might’ve been other avenues that, they may not have worked, but I think it would have been sensible to at least try them versus what I did.
Gary S:
And another point to make about the heroic leadership aspects of what you did with the takeover that I think is important, that we can’t emphasize enough is that you really weren’t. Heroic leadership does not have to be about ego and it certainly wasn’t about your ego in the sense that you wanted to establish Warwick Fairfax as the name of… you were still very shy. You were very retiring in the midst of all that, you didn’t do a lot of interviews. It was not about self aggrandizement for you, for sure.
Warwick F:
Well, absolutely. And it’s funny. Yeah, I was 26 at the time, a young, naive straight back from Harvard business school, which I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t listening enough to the professors, but it just gets very emotional when it’s your dad and family, and it’s hard to think straight. But I remember saying to other family members like, “I want control to be able to change management and keep the company safe, but I’m going to work in the marketing department.” Because I figured marketing strategy was something I could do and I didn’t want to be chairman or CEO, everybody can keep their titles. And I just want to quietly work my way up.
Warwick F:
And so it wasn’t about ego. Obviously no other family member’s going to want to be in a accompany controlled by a 26 year old. So it was naive to the extreme, but at the time I didn’t want the titles, the accolades. I just wanted it to be well run. So I thought my motives were reasonably good. It was just, my judgment was obviously questionable, but I wasn’t consciously trying to be this heroic leader with my name in lights. But yeah, it’s a complex story.
Gary S:
For sure. The other part that Badaracco talks about in quiet leadership is really important to the idea of coming back from crucibles. So if we go back into your story, the takeover has happened, it has failed. Then there comes a time where you did indeed, Warwick, over the course of over a couple of decades, exhibit quiet leadership. Here’s some of the things that Badarocco writes in that same article that you were quoting from earlier. He talks about how quiet leaders move patiently, carefully and incrementally.
Gary S:
That’s the story of Warwick Fairfax post takeover. It also says this, “And since many big problems, crucibles, can only be resolved by a long series of small efforts, quiet leadership, despite its seemingly slow pace often turns out to be the quickest way to make the corporation and the world a better place.” That seems to me to be a pretty good encapsulation of your road back beyond your crucible.
Warwick F:
Yeah, it’s an interesting point because I think I’m still, by nature, pretty impatient, but I also have, fortunately, a fair degree of self control. So I’ve tried to temper my natural impatience to want to get something done, even though I’m reflective, which is a curious conundrum. I’m reflective, but I also like getting things done. But yeah, I’ve learned patience, both at Crucible Leadership, I’m on two nonprofit boards. It’s interesting with those, my church board and then the K-12 school that my kids went to. There were times in which I felt like something needed to be done and not everybody was on the same page. And maybe a few were, and I just waited and, “Okay. If people aren’t on board, that’s okay.” My thoughts were heard and I felt respected on both boards and over time, change would happen.
Warwick F:
And so you’re not always going to be right, but just talking to people, just being a bit more patient as you wait for things to change, making your points, but it’s easier for people to hear you if they know at the end of the day you will go along with the collective. It’s never an issue of people advocating something that was immoral, unjust. Obviously I wouldn’t get along with that, but it’s really wisdom calls about do you spend money on, direction A, direction B, it’s typically those sorts of things. So yeah, I think I learned more patience. And then with Crucible Leadership, I started as listeners will know, probably around about 2008 after I gave a talk in church about my story that supposedly illustrated the sermon that the pastor was giving.
Warwick F:
And people came up to me afterwards and said, “Boy, this is really helpful.” And I didn’t know how my story could be helpful to normal people as opposed to media moguls, but somehow it did. So I started writing this book, Crucible Leadership, which again, I have a publishing deal with Morgan James, as I mentioned on an earlier podcast, which will hopefully come out next year. But it took me a number of years is to write. And then I chatted to some Australian publishers quite a number of years ago now. And there was some interest, but some wanted more of a tell all book, which I didn’t want to do.
Warwick F:
And so then somebody said, “Well, you need a brand. And that led me to the folks at SIGNAL in Denver and then yourself, Gary, and ROAR and just different elements came together. But it’s brick by brick coming out with blogs and social media, then starting a podcast last year, all to really help people engage with the message of Crucible Leadership and its different avenues and it’s hopefully as deeply as possible.
Warwick F:
I mean, Crucible Leadership in a sense started in 2008 with the beginning of the book. It’s taken years to get to this point, but often things that are worth doing, it’s worth having patience. And the key point is just taking one small step at a time. What’s one small win I can make this week? You start a new initiative. Like a podcast. Well that took a few months to get off the ground because, what’s it going to be like? What are the themes? How are we going to do this? What works in terms of my gifting and that endeavor alone took many meetings and many steps, but you just, to use that over worn analogy, just keep pushing the ball down the field one step, you know what you’re trying to get to, but you got to show patience.
Warwick F:
Another lesson I’ve learned is I’m a huge believer in communication. So with the team I have, which is an incredible team at Crucible Leadership, we’ll talk about things and I want to make sure if we’re going to go in a new direction, everybody’s on board, I mean to the degree possible, because if your team isn’t committed, it’s not going anywhere. Well, that takes time. It takes dialogue, together, one-on-one, it just takes time. So I’ve learned to force myself to have patience, even when I’m not feeling patient, I’ve learned the value of creating alliances, of listening to people, listening to good advice.
Warwick F:
I didn’t do that. One of the things that is somewhat haunting to me, to go back a moment, back in the era of the takeover in early ’87, I engaged some very well respected merchant bankers, basically investment bankers, to use US terminology. And they analyzed the situation and they said, “Warwick, we do not recommend you doing a take of a right now. We don’t think it would be wise. We don’t think it would work. And we think you should wait.” Well, I didn’t want to hear, “Wait.” Because I felt like this disaster is going to happen if we wait, given what happened with the TV network sale and what I thought was incompetent management.
Warwick F:
So I turned down wise counsel, however I ended up listening to is counsel that wasn’t so wise. So I ignored the wise people and listened to the advice of people who weren’t so good. It was just a classic case of what not to do. Now, I do listen to wise counsel. I don’t ignore it, even if it’s not what I want to hear. So it’s a painful lesson, but I’ve tried to never ignore good counsel, even if it’s exactly what you don’t want to hear.
Gary S:
Right. It’s so interesting to hear you talk about the way that you approached bouncing back from your crucible after it happened, after the takeover failed. And what popped into my head as you were talking is one of the folks I mentioned about those heroic leaders who get movies made about him. Steve jobs, Steve jobs got fired from Apple computer and he went off immediately and started another computer company. I can’t even remember what it was called because it was so unsuccessful. He jumped right back into the forge. He jumped right back in, new computer and it was a terrible failure and then over course of time, he comes back to Apple and then just look what he did from there. You didn’t do that. You didn’t come off of that experience of the takeover failing and try to launch something immediately quickly. You did what you talked about.
Gary S:
Step-by-step, one foot in front of the other, talk to people, get some confidence back, figure out what your… What we talked about at Crucible Leadership, what’s your passion? What are you passionate about? What’s your vision? What are those things that you want to do to make the world a better place? You took the time, you bought time, you bent the rules that said, “Must go out, get job, must be…” You didn’t do all of that stuff. You came back a step at a time. And now it’s developed into this thing of Crucible Leadership, which is so rewarding to you and is offering you a life of significance in helping others. And I think for anybody who’s listening to this right now, who has found themselves in a crucible, I would think your advice to them would be, follow the path coming out of your crucible, of the quiet leader, not the hero leader.
Warwick F:
Absolutely. And I’m in such a better place, at least personally and professionally because before, even if I’d followed quiet leadership attributes, there was another conundrum, which is really a different paradigm that we’ve about before, in that I didn’t necessarily want to be this take charge leader of a huge organization. I’m a quiet, reflective person. I don’t like the limelight. It was a terrible fit. But back then it’s like, “Well, I don’t want to let my dad down.” Who, I mentioned, died in early ’87, don’t want to let my family, John Fairfax, my great-great-grandfather founder, so one of the lessons coming out of my crucible was, I just wasn’t living my divine design, if you will. I was living somebody else’s vision, somebody else’s life.
Warwick F:
And so that was always going to be a tough square to circle. It probably was going to be impossible, even if I’d done all the right quiet leadership things. It just wasn’t my passion, my vision. So again, that’s a whole nother thing that we’ve talked about before, but now, I’m living my own vision and I’m doing it in a way that works for me given my personality. So it’s a vision I’m excited about. It’s something that I’m wired… As a reflective advisor, I love asking questions. So podcasts work really well. I love writing, blogs work well. So a lot of the things that I do in Crucible Leadership, are really in line with my gifts and I’m able to have people around me that compliment gifts that I don’t have. I’m not Mr. Network Salesman Type. And I enjoy that kind of thing. Well, I have other people that help me and you can’t be everything.
Warwick F:
So yeah, I’m in a much better place doing what I enjoy with a team that had complementary skills and doing it step by step and realizing you can’t accomplish everything you want to accomplish overnight. It’s a process, be patient. You’ll get there. If it’s in alignment with how you’re wired, if it’s a vision that you’re off the charts passionate about, if it’s something that involves a higher purpose, living a life of significance, that gives you staying power. Because if you think it’s important enough, you’ll hang in there. So, so many things are better in line. And I do force myself to be patient because it’s just the more successful route than going in all guns blazing as I did with the Fairfax takeover
Gary S:
We’ve come to the moment in the podcast where, in this particular podcast, it’s time to land the bat plane. We’re getting to the point where we’ve got to land the bat plane, but one of the things, Warwick, is I was doing research and I haven’t shared this with you yet because we’ve talked about how in a superhero context, they don’t often show about how Batman became Batman or how he built the bat cave and all that. I was looking at some clips in the Christopher Nolan Batman trilogy, which begins with Batman Begins, there’s an excellent quote in there that first is told to young Bruce Wayne by his father, and then told later, as he’s just starting to come into being Batman by Alfred his butler, who is like his surrogate father.
Gary S:
But that quote is when Bruce falls down into the bat well on the family property and he’s scared by the bats, his father picks him up, carries him back into the house and he says to Bruce Wayne, young Bruce Wayne, ten-year-old Bruce Wayne, “Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” And years later when Bruce is trying to be a heroic leader and do something and it falls flat and Alfred encourages him with the same thing. “Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” And I thought that was just so perfect for this conversation because it proves the point that we’re talking about here, that you’ve got to have some background, some quiet, even for the heroic leadership, but that’s also a pretty good motto, a pretty good lesson for folks in the Crucible Leadership context. Why do we fall? Why do we fail? Why do we have crucibles? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up.
Gary S:
What’s the last few words you want to share with folks who’ve been listening to this today, Warwick, as they try to wrap their minds around heroic leadership, which is not a bad thing, but not always the right thing and quiet leadership.
Warwick F:
Yeah, I think really based off what you just said about that story of young Bruce Wayne, nobody likes failure, nobody likes falling and it’s very painful, but the gift of failure, the gift of mistakes is you learn from them. I’ve learned to be patient. I’ve learned to say, “Okay, I’m going to make other mistakes. But I’m not going to make that mistake again. I’m going to build alliances. I’m going to be patient, gather complimentary team members.” So, I think it’s fine to have a vision, just make sure it’s your vision. Make sure it’s in line with your gifting. And then if it is in line with your gifting and it is your vision, be patient, be humble, step at a time, listen to advice, build alliances.
Warwick F:
Probably humility and patience are probably the two most important things about quiet leadership. It’s the internal, it’s the character. That’s really the key. If you’re a patient and not wrapped up in who gets the glory and it’s in line with who you are and it’s a vision you’re off the charts passionate about, then you’ll get there, step by step, small win by small win. If you have enough small wins, pretty soon that adds up into a fairly big win.
Gary S:
It adds up to what someone might call a heroic win.
Warwick F:
Indeed.
Gary S:
Those little, quiet wins that build up to it. Well, that is the sound of the wheels on the runway, listeners. So, thank you. We’ve landed the bat plane. Thank you for spending time with us at Beyond the Crucible. Until we get together next time, please drop by CrucibleLeadership.com, where you can find all of our podcasts that we’ve had thus far. You can listen to all of them. We urge you to subscribe to those podcasts, share them with friends. If you’ve gotten anything from this conversation and from previous conversations that is beneficial to you as you navigate your way back from your crucible, please share that with folks.
Gary S:
You can also sign up to receive regular emails from Warwick on some of the topics, the very kinds of topics that we talk about on this podcast. Certainly what we’re talking about here, about quiet leadership and leading with humility, not arrogance kind of humility, but humility to not have to be the white knight all the time, to be patient, as Warwick has so well explained. So, until the next time that you’re with us here on Beyond the Crucible, thank you again for joining us. And remember this, that you may be going through a very painful crucible right now, but that crucible, as Warwick’s story proves, as the story of so many guests we’ve had on the show proves, that’s not the end of your story. It can in fact be the beginning of your story. And that beginning can be the best part of your story because that new beginning can lead to something that we all crave and something that’s within all of our grasps. And that is a life of significance.