She’s known internationally as the first woman to sail solo around Antartica, a celebrated explorer who fought through unimaginable trials en route to setting her world record. But before she ever stepped foot off dry land, Lisa Blair was a shy, reserved Australian girl bullied at school. She headed off to university determined to shed the mask she wore in high school, and later learned the importance of viewing failure not as falling short, but not trying at all. She found her life’s calling when a sailing journey with a friend led her to fall in love with the sea … and the beauty and adventure it offers.

To learn more about Lisa Blair and her book, Facing Fear, visit www.lisablairsailstheworld.com

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Transcript

Warwick F:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.

Lisa B:
So I left and I remember casting of the lines. And there was this moment of complete panic, because I hadn't.. I'd been visualizing leaving, and I'd been visualizing all the things that could possibly go wrong out there. And the Southern Ocean is well known as the world's most dangerous ocean. And that's because, effectively, there's no landmass down there to break up the storms. So as a storm rolls around the bottom of the ocean, it goes the entire way around the planet.

Lisa B:
And it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and more aggressive as it goes. And it creates this unique swell, where you can have waves the size of houses or more, just on a daily basis. That's your average swell. So it's this incredibly dangerous place to be in. And as part of my preparation process, I've been visualizing all these scenarios that could occur from knockdowns to rollovers to breaking masts to hitting an iceberg to hitting a sunken container to flooding the boat to losing the keel to getting myself injured.

Lisa B:
And so I was thinking about all these possible scenarios. And when I finally left, it just kind of crashed into me that, you know, "Hang on, I'm now having to do this. It's no longer this thing I'm visualizing. It's not this thing I'm imagining. It's something I'm actively going out and doing right now." And I then had to remind myself that I had done the preparation because I was terrified. I started shaking, I started hyperventilating, I was choking on my air, and I just was freaking out completely. And I had to take a couple of calming breaths and remind myself that I prepared for this, that I'd worked really hard for this and that I could do it.

Gary S:
Indeed, she could do it. A quest so monumental, that it's going to take us two episodes, to tell you all about its twists and turns and triumphs. Hi I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the show and the Communications Director for Crucible Leadership.

Gary S:
Today's guest is Lisa Blair, who in 2017 became the first woman to sail solo around Antarctica. You'll discover as she discusses every harrowing and heroic moment of that record setting adventure that even with all her planning and training, Mother Nature had a few surprises for her, like storms so bad that her sailboat lost its mast and Lisa could have lost her life.

Gary S:
Many of the details of her circumnavigation of Antarctica will come in part two of the interview next week. Today's show focuses on the crucibles Lisa faced before she ever left dry land, being bullied in school for being shy and reserved, and how she refused to live a life defined by others opinions of her. That's when she discovered she tells us her love of sailing. By redefining failure not, as falling short of a goal but failing to try; this self described ordinary woman has accomplished extraordinary things. She documents them in her new book Facing Fear. And in this conversation with Warwick that covers it all. From stem to stern.

Warwick F:
Well, Lisa it is so exciting to have you. When I got the book, it was like reading a thriller. I've read it in pretty much one sitting. I knew because you were coming on the podcast that you made it, so that was obviously good. And I think as you've mentioned that wouldn't be a book if you hadn't made it. So thankfully, it's hard to believe that actually happened. But it's obviously it did. It was so compelling, so exciting. And you have a lot of sailing terminology and I'm one of those people that knows pretty much nothing about sailing.

Warwick F:
So I'm like, okay, this... I get jibing and tacking, some vague idea. Preventer lines, not totally clear about that, but obviously, I'm sure we'll get into it. But sadly, I get seasick just looking at water. I'm just one of these landlubbers, but just a little Australian history here. Obviously, as most Australians know my family were involved in newspaper business, Sydney Morning Herald and all for generations. Well, I had a great grandfather that was Commodore of the Royal Sydney Yacht Squadron. And supposedly he had some great big steam yacht and I don't know if that's even possible, probably 1890's, 1900's. Some big thing with a crew. Anyway, but kind of the genes didn't carry on to me.

Warwick F:
So in fact, I get so seasick if I get seasick that it takes me days to recover. So it's probably not an adventure I'll be seeking. But all that being said, obviously love to hear about your whole Antarctic journey. But I'd like to hear some of the backstory. You talk a bit about in your book about growing up with your parents and, school being tough, being bullied a bit. Just talk about what life was like for you growing up and the pre-sailing Lisa Blair, if you will.

Lisa B:
Well firstly, I just want to say thanks so much for having me on the show. It's going to be a great chat today. I'm so happy that you love the book. And hopefully other people can get out and have a read of it too at some point. As far as my childhood goes, I was landlocked. So I grew up on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. So we had this property that was about 30 minutes from the beach, but it was a little bush property, it was all solar powered. And we would pump the water up from the creek and we would have a selection of either rainwater or creek water, which we aptly dubbed, given that we're Aussie platypus piss or leaf stew, so you would choose between the two different types of water.

Warwick F:
It was great.

Lisa B:
It's very Aussie right? So that was kind of my childhood. We didn't have TV really, we were allowed a movie a week, which was a family night, and we would run the generator so that we could run the washing machine. And we would have a movie at that time. And occasionally would be allowed, like half an hour of TV in the evening. But I think the best thing about that childhood whilst as a kid, it did set me on the outs as far as not being cool enough, not having seen the latest TV shows, and not fitting in as much with schools. It did allow me really to create a sense of imagination and a sense of dreaming and build capabilities, I think that have served me really well through life by having that slightly more unusual childhood.

Lisa B:
So I definitely thank you to my parents for having that. And yeah, and then that's led me on the path to challenges and adventures, which eventually led me to discover sailing when I was 22, and I've just randomly got a job in the Whitsundays.

Warwick F:
So before we get to, I think one of the things you mentioned is, as you're going to uni, I think it was Southern Cross University which probably it more of northern New South Wales. While before then school wasn't easy, and just how kids treated you. But it felt like you made a purposeful decision, then that you were going to, I don't know about big different, approach it differently. So talk about, because that was sort of a mini decision that, obviously it helps us as we get on in life. So talk about what was that decision you made as you were going to uni?

Lisa B:
Yes. So it was a four hour drive from where we grew up to where I was going to uni. So I was driving down in the car with mum. And just in the car, I just remember thinking about where I was at that moment in time, as far as who I was, and was I happy and was I doing what I wanted to do. And I remember feeling like, high school, everyone knows who you are. So if you're the girl that was bullied, you're always going to be the girl that was bullied. Getting out of that is really hard to do.

Lisa B:
And so when I was going to uni, the last thing I wanted to do was to continue being that girl, that person that was sort of more reserved, hiding in the art studio, not quite being who I wanted to be, a bit of a loner, not many friends. And then the friends I did have weren't even in my age range. So I made a conscious decision as we drove down in the car and I remember thinking, Well, this isn't a life I envisioned for myself and that's the life I was leading. But because I'm changing states, and because I'm changing locations, I have this really unique opportunity to project myself or position myself in a different way. Because in my mind, nobody down there actually knew who I was.

Lisa B:
So they didn't have this preconceived opinion of me being the girl that was always bullied, or the loner that was the outcast. So when I drove down, I decided that I wanted to be this bubbly, outspoken, outgoing, fun loving person. And it was a pretty terrifying decision to make, but it was a conscious decision. And so when I actually arrived, the first thing I did, I walked right up to my new flatmates in the share accommodation I said, "Hi, I'm Lisa," and just started projecting this kind of person that I always felt I was, but hadn't really had the chance to show people yet.

Lisa B:
And the four years or five years that I was at uni, it was really a huge growth for me as a person. And I was really fortunate with my friendship circle down there that they really allowed me and pushed me to expand out of that preconceived idea of the girl that was always isolated or lonely, or the girl who was bullied. So it really set me up for future careers.

Warwick F:
It's funny, I think one of the things we often find on Beyond the Crucible is, it's this early life stories that can be such, I won't say it's an origin story as they say in movies. It can be like little clues to who Lisa Blair became later. I know obviously we grew up very differently. I grew up in about as wealthy upbringing as it's possible in Australia, but because my family, we're in this big family media business deal, the other kids, the other boys went to a boys school. They weren't like me and so I was like, "Oh, you know, because Australians are very much into egalitarian tall poppy syndrome," which basically means if you stick your head up, it gets cut off, unless you... If you're good at sports, it's okay. But if you're good at any other area, somehow, you must be arrogant by definition.

Warwick F:
So, a little bit like you in the sense, I was a bit of a loner, but I think it's okay if that means being who you are, and not just going with the crowd and doing what everybody else does. That's not wrong, it's just you got to figure out your own path and what that means to you. So I think there are lessons for a lot of people about how you handled that saying, Okay, I'm not going to go with, I want to be not quite so isolated, but I'm not going to just be who everybody wants me to be.

Lisa B:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
I dream, I have thoughts, I have ambitions, and that's okay. I'm not going to just be some hanger on of some group, just because-

Lisa B:
And I think also at that age you have some really strong principles, and it's very easy to get swept up in what everyone else is doing and not live by your principles. And I remember a lot of the bullying started when I would stand up for people teasing animals or picking on other people and things like that. And so it was from me being as true to myself that the bullying actually started. So I think that that's really important. And I think for anyone out there that might have gone through that or is going through that, you can create your own circumstances. So if people are bullying you, you can let that beat you or you can position it differently and actually allow that to make you stronger and allow that to allow you to then go out and help other people and come a better person from it.

Gary S:
I was gonna jump in and say, just to pull together what Warwick just said and what you just said Lisa. And it's a key principle of Crucible leadership, and that is authenticity. Being the authentic you. It took Warwick, it took you to go through the failure of the takeover of the family business to step out of the vision that was cast that you inherited, that was passed on to you. And that's where you found your stride and found yourself and it sounds Lisa like you, the same thing happened.

Gary S:
You were not living authentically, you stepped into that. You made a decision one day, I'm going to be who I've always felt I was inside, but I never felt I really could express all that well.

Lisa B:
Yeah.

Gary S:
And you began to do that and it changed. And for listeners who hear that, that's an important thing to remember. Authenticity can often be a key first step to moving beyond and getting through a crucible.

Warwick F:
Absolutely and staying true to your values, which is exactly what Lisa did, which is so impressive at such a young age. So I want to talk a bit about speaking of origin stories, the sailing origin story. You mentioned, I don't know if it's while I was at uni or maybe afterwards, you had experience of the Whitsunday Islands. But there was this epic trip that you did with a friend and maybe her parents that was Australia to Hawaii, which is, and it's got to be hundreds and hundreds of miles. It's not a short trip. But was that one of those early key moments in which you found "This is something that I love to do, that I was born to sail." Was that part of one of those early steps?

Lisa B:
Yeah, most definitely. So I randomly got a job in the Whitsunday Islands just for a summer holiday job as the cook and the cleaner on a charter yacht. And that really was my first key discovery into sailing. I had been on boats as a kid and my mom's partner John, he had a boat when I was growing up, but it was never something I did. It was always something they did, and it was this external thing to me.

Lisa B:
And so I had been working on these charter yachts for about a year and I was just loving it. And I never visioned or envisioned that sailing would be more than just a summer holiday or a fun thing to do on the odd occasion. Like I really had absolutely no plans to do anything with sailing at this point. And I was studying visual arts and education at uni with the plan of becoming an art teacher. It was just so left field from anything that I had envisioned.

Lisa B:
And then I had to go back and finish two weeks of uni. And so I finished the last two weeks of university, graduated. And then a week after I finished, I got this phone call out of the blue and it was a friend of mine from uni and she was sailing to Hawaii with her father on their boat. And they had a crew member had to leave in Samoa. And so they called me up and said, "Hey, do you think you can get here in a week? We're sailing to Hawaii. Are you interested?" And me being me, jumped on the opportunity, and said, "Yes."

Lisa B:
I had only ever left the country once before, and so I had to figure out how to make it possible in a week and then jumped on a plane and flew to Samoa, and then we sailed to Hawaii. And that trip really shaped my love of ocean sailing. I remember one of the first nights at sea, we were just sailing out. And I've never done night watch, I've never stood a watch in the darker and I think like that, and there was just this magic moment on deck keeping watch everyone else is sleeping. It was the middle of the night, crystal clear skies, and this couple of whales just popped up around the boat.

Lisa B:
And it was a dark night you couldn't see them. But you could just hear them breathing and coasting through the waters. For me, it was this really incredible moment of just peace. And I realized through sailing, well through our normal lives, we're so rush, rush, rush. Everything's busy. We've got a billion things going on. We're always contactable on our phones, we've got have them close. It's just this constant rush. And I just felt the minute I got out to sea, it was this simplified, almost basic lifestyle kind of camping on the water where your entire world revolves around, eat, sleep and sail. And what's the weather pattern going to do. And for me, I've just loved it. And there's so much beauty out there. So, yeah. It definitely shaped my wanting to do more with sailing.

Warwick F:
At that point, it sounds like you fell in love with sailing and, "I was made to do this. I was made to sail." Was there that kind of feeling that this is, I think you said it was your happy place. But it's some there's something about that really, I don't know. It was like a song that sung to your soul or something. I can't think of the exact metaphor, but did it feel like this is your place, this is your element?

Lisa B:
Yeah, it definitely did. But it also like sailing is still hard. Every day is a challenge because you've got to breathe and live and survive in this environment we're not designed for. So I think I also really relish the challenge of having to get from country to country, just harnessing the power of the wind and how do you do that and what's the process that makes that possible? And, we had engine issues, how do you fix an engine at sea where you've got no spare parts? I think the owner of the boat made a muffler out of a tin can at one point. And it was just this huge adventure and I relished in that opportunity, but I also just found a bit of my soul.

Gary S:
And one of the things I love that you write in your book Lisa, about that experience, and this is a perfect time to bring it in. Because you're talking about these extraordinary adventures. And you write about reading the stories of other folks who have had adventures on the seas. And you wrote why you became fascinated with it. And I want listeners to hear why the adventures you read were fascinating to you. "I became fascinated by these adventures, and I realized how relatable these people were. There was actually nothing special about them. They just found their dream, set themselves a goal and worked very hard to achieve it. It just so happened, that their goals were extraordinary."

Gary S:
That can apply to anybody listening to this show right now. You have done extraordinary things, but from the beginning, you have not viewed yourself as necessarily extraordinary. You're just someone who has a dream, is working hard at it.

Lisa B:
Yeah, and I honestly feel like that's applicable to all areas of your life as well. It doesn't have to be a record, it doesn't have to be this. It could be a business goal. It could be a family oriented goal, it could be the goal of buying your first house. Like that mentality is really applicable to anything that people achieve in their life or that they want to achieve in their life. And the one thing I do really try and highlight is that, I don't feel different from anybody else because of my achievements. I feel like your average Joe Blow and I still can't spell to save my life. I still, get me trying to add math and I'm going to fail.

Lisa B:
I don't have this special set of skills, but what I have is passion and focus and determination and sticking power. And so when things do get hard and when those crucible moments come through, I stick to it until I can push myself through it. And I guess that's my real superpower the fact that I'm stubborn.

Warwick F:
What I mean, you have dreams, and you were willing to go from, you were willing to risk failure, you were willing to try. I mean, one great example sort of next step on the journey perhaps is the 2011/12 Round the World Clipper Yacht Race. I think one of the things you write is that you, it was... I forget how much was. It was 60,000. I forget how much money, it was a massive amount of money and you only had half the amount to do the training part. And your mum said, "well, you can at least do that. And then maybe you'll figure out how to raise the rest." I mean, it's this sense of I'm not quitting just because I'm halfway there. So talk about because, that's a microcosm of something a lot of us can learn as you weren't willing to quit, just because it was hard to get into this round the world race.

Lisa B:
Yeah, and I think one of the biggest things I did to myself or one of the biggest benefits I gave myself was that, I reframed failure in my mind. And failure was the not going for the goal. That was the failure, because if you didn't start something, then you've already failed. Whereas if I go for the goal and I put 100% of my effort in, and I've literally tried everything I can think of to make it successful and to make it work. And I've explored every avenue and possibility, and I still fail, then that's just a lesson, that's just a learning curve. And from there, you can move on.

Lisa B:
But if you don't even try, then that's to me like the real failure. So in that book, I do talk about breaking down in tears to my mum telling her how much I failed. And how that I haven't got enough money and that I should just pull out now and it's never going to work. And I had this kind of intense moment of doubt, and self fear and mum has always been a really incredible moral compass for me, and she's been able to reef point me back in the right direction or she takes the emotion out of it so I can think logically about where I am and the situation.

Lisa B:
And my ultimate goals for signing up for that yacht race was to get experience to learn how to sail properly, and to get enough experience to one day want to try solo sailing. So by going and doing the training, at least I'm getting that knowledge. And then it's just that whole well who knows, I still had a few months, and I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but at least I continued to try and you know, it worked out in the end.

Warwick F:
Yeah. And what you're saying is so profound, is reframing failure, I think failure is not trying if you try and give it 100%, that's not failing. I mean, I haven't heard a whole lot of people define or redefine failure that way. It gives you the freedom to try, because if you try, it's not so much failing you've given it your all, it's just a brilliant way of putting it. So that gave you some experience and money came in for you to, as you met some folks probably in England, just amazing things happen when you put yourself out there. And I really believe miracles happen. And you've had your share of miracles, or people the last moment coming across and saying, "Here Lisa," it's unbelievable. But you write about it's obviously true.

Lisa B:
Yeah, and it's also one of those things that people often say, "Oh, you're so lucky." And I'm like, "It's not luck, you create your own luck." If you put yourself out enough times, someone's going to see that and someone's going to step up and help you and support you, and try and help get you to the next step. People want others to succeed, people want those around them to succeed. They don't want them to fail, and so everyone is there to help you. It's how much you try, that actually creates that help and opens those doors and opens those opportunities.

Lisa B:
No much is given for free in life, but you can create those opportunities by trying. And that was the real lesson that I got out of the Clipper Race was that, when people really started to see me put the effort in and I had sacrificed so much of my time and my energy and every cent I had earned in the last 12 months to go into this event. And people saw that, and the dedication and the drive to succeed. They then turned around and helped and I was able to get that money and then set off and did this incredible adventure.

Warwick F:
Again, another profound point you made your own luck by putting yourself out there, people do actually want to help other people. Somebody that has a goal and a dream is willing to work hard. Whether it's Dick Smith or a number of others, it's kind of a coincidence. We had another Aussie on the podcast a little bit ago, Ryan Campbell, who probably you heard of, flew around the world solo youngest at 23. And he was at a young and didn't really know what you weren't supposed to do. So he also went to Dick Smith and got some funding. And amazingly for US audience, Dick Smith has founded this massive electronics business. It's a bit like Best Buy here.

Warwick F:
And so when I read that, it's like "Oh, Dick Smith, I know another guy that obviously supports a lot of adventures. So let's move ahead a bit, because I want to get to the Antarctic journey. So there was a couple lead ups to that. The Trans-Tasman deal going solo from Australia to New Zealand and back. That was obviously not easy. It seems like there aren't too many oceans that are calm all the time, like none. Maybe it wasn't Antarctica, but it wasn't like a milk pond, it was pretty tough. And then from there you do the 2015 Sydney to Hobart race, which people might not realize here, but it starts in Sydney Harbour and you get a great view near the heads and goes to Hobart, you got to cross the Bass Strait.

Warwick F:
That's, not every boat makes it. There are some boats that have been lost and it's not an easy thing. So all of that's preparing you for this epic Antarctic journey. So, solo sailing is one thing. So you preparing yourself with the Trans-Tasman deal and the Sydney to Hobart. Why sail around Antarctica? Why not do a solo race through the Pacific or somewhere where it's warm? I don't know. Why antarctica?

Lisa B:
You know, you're not the first person to say that. A lot of people would actually tell me, "Why don't you sail around Australia first? Do that trip, that's got to be easier, right?" And I always thought sailing solo around Australia was actually 10 times harder than sailing solo around Antarctica, because you're close to land the entire time. Remember you're on your own. You've got to keep a lookout for all the ships, all the reefs, rocks, changing weather patterns, all the traffic that's out there.

Lisa B:
The worst is the little guys who go out on their fishing tinny in this fiberglass fishing boat with no radar reflector and no AIS and you just can't see them till you're almost on top of them. So sailing around Australia solo, you can't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time for the entire trip. So it is more dangerous than it is more difficult. Whereas Antarctica, it was actually a guy I was trying to convince to lend me his boat to sail to New Zealand for the Trans-Tasman Yacht race because I didn't own a boat. And he had this racing 40 foot yacht that I was trying to charter off him or borrow or beg borrow or steal.

Lisa B:
And he threw out the idea that maybe if I combine this Trans-Tasman Yacht race with a bigger project and combine the two together, I might have a shot at getting sponsorship for it. And then I could look at buying his boat which is suitable for this other trip rather than chartering it. So I looked into it and he said, "Oh, there's this record I was looking at doing before I had a family and it's this Antarctica record, you should look it up, Fyodor Konyukhov."

Lisa B:
And so I looked it up, and there's this crazy Russian sailor in 2008, who sailed solo nonstop and unassisted around Antarctica, from Albany to Albany, which is located in the bottom tip of Western Australia. And he sailed directly south to 45 degrees south and then completed the whole circumnavigation between the latitudes of 45 south and 60 south in the Southern Ocean. And this guy who was trying to convince me to buy his boat was telling me to go and challenge this record.

Lisa B:
And at this stage, I'd sailed around the world with The Clipper Round The World Yacht Race. So I had sailed 40,000 nautical miles and a fair stint of that is in the Southern Ocean. And we did have some fairly decent storms coming through in the Southern Ocean. So I had a really healthy respect for how dangerous that ocean can be. And this guy was saying, "Oh, yeah. No, you haven't sailed solo yet. But look at sailing solo around Antarctica, this would be a great trip." And so my instant reaction was "Absolutely no way. It's madness and it would be suicide. And why would I want to challenge a trip like that's just not possible."

Lisa B:
And I kind of put it out of my mind and I went back to work, and I was skippering yachts at the time. So I was just out at sea sailing boats. And I couldn't shake this idea that there's this Antarctica trip. And I was like, I really wanted a project that's unique enough for me to get sponsorship that's challenging enough that I want to do it and interesting enough, and it kind of ticked all those boxes. But there was this huge unknown factor with how dangerous it could be down there.

Lisa B:
And it was months of kind of thinking and dreaming and visualizing, and wondering and doing a lot of research on the historical weather data. And I slowly as the time went by, I started to think more and more, maybe it's possible. Maybe it's something someone could do, and then I had to think, "Well maybe it's something I could do." And then working towards this idea of, "Yeah, okay. I'm going to do it."

Lisa B:
And it was about four months that time period of thinking and dreaming and I remember calling my mum. And I hadn't done the Trans-Tasman Yacht race yet. So I hadn't actually sailed solo before at this point and I called mum, and I said, "So mum, I've got this Trans-Tasman what about combining it with this other trip? What if I sail solo around Antarctica?" And she instantly was like, "No, not a chance. You're not doing it."

Lisa B:
And then, so I put it to bed and sort of left it on a shelf and went and did the solo Trans-Tasman Yacht race, and I finished that race and I said to mum, it's like "So, what about this Antarctica idea?" And she was like, "Oh, I suppose you've proven that you can sail solo now and you did really well with that last race. Okay, but you got to make sure it's safe." And so that started the process, and it was three and a half years till I actually was able to make it happen.

Warwick F:
It's funny how you know, mums and dads always want the kids to be safe. It's sort of a funny thing, but you must be hardwired so not quite in the same thing that you're talking about. But I have two sons and a daughter, a daughter in the middle and they're all in their '20s. And my daughter is the particularly adventurous one, and the boys get seasick like me. My daughter doesn't get seasick at all, so she inherited her mother's genes.

Lisa B:
I like her already.

Warwick F:
Yeah. Same height as you funnily enough, I know you write about that in the book, but anyway she's very mission oriented. And so she said to me, "Mom, dad, I'm thinking I'd like to go to the Congo with this relief agency." And it's really dangerous place. So initially it's ""You're kidding? Forget about it." But when you're over 21, you can say forget about it, but it doesn't have too much weight. And then after that it was, "Well I think I'd like to go South Sudan," but the same place. I mean, both are really, really dangerous places. She was with a very well run outfit that took care of her. But yeah, so a different orbit. But it's one thing for mom and dad to say "No, you're not doing that."

Warwick F:
But at a certain point it's your life and you say, "Well, I appreciate your perspective. But no, we're doing it." But anyway, your mum came around. But as we lead up to this epic voyage, so you got this boat, I guess from a fellow that the Funnel-Web, which you then renamed Climate Action Now and redid the whole thing and had all these watertight compartments. And I love the whole thing you did with, obviously, you have a perspective, I know I wrote it down somewhere here about climate change, which can be such a huge issue like how can we make a difference.

Warwick F:
And I think you said something like, "All it takes is one small step or action when you have millions of people taking these positive actions, you have real impact." So it can be easy to think how can we make a difference, all this pollution in the ocean and climate change, but and then you put post-it notes on your boat Climate Action. So to talk about that, because that's a very fun thing. So talk about that whole vision, getting the boat and the post-it notes and leading up to setting off.

Lisa B:
Yeah, awesome. So for me, I've always been very climate minded obviously with my childhood and being exposed to nature at a young age and growing up in the bush and I have a healthy respect for our environment. And the one thing I've witnessed or felt was that, when you mentioned the words climate change or climate action, anything to do with that message, so to speak, it becomes political and people also feel it's too big of a problem that their little piece doesn't make a difference. And so they don't do anything, because they feel like they're insignificant to creating a difference or making a difference.

Lisa B:
So for me the goal was to inspire a positive message to empower people, to forget about the negatives associated with the words and how can we positively influence people to create a nice change in their life. And so what I did was I went out to community members all around Australia, every talk or event that I did, every time I had the boat on display before the record, and I collected post-it note messages. And each post-it note was a message from someone in the public who was doing something for our environment. And I would just say "Just pop something on the message. And I think you're doing it or maybe you don't use water bottles, and you have a reusable water bottle, maybe you pick rubbish up, when you're walking down the street, maybe your kids have a plastic free lunch box."

Lisa B:
Whatever these little actions were, and then we collected them all up, and then turn them into this big vinyl wrap that we actually wrapped the whole hull of my boat in. And it really changed my goals with the record because it was less now about just a single girl sailing solo around Antarctica, and it was more about me carrying these thousands and thousands of messages. And the amount of people that come up to me and say that they've submitted another message through the website, or they've been down to the Marina and they've read all the messages on the hull of their boat, or they've had their six year old kid reading the messages, and they've decided to go plastic free at school. So there is this really positive effect that comes from it.

Lisa B:
And one thing I've also learned is that if you start with one thing, maybe you say no to straws, or maybe you say no to single use plastic bags, then suddenly you start becoming a little more aware of your actions. And we do have to take some responsibility for us as consumers with how much we're consuming and how we're consuming things. And so people start to think differently, maybe at the supermarket, I won't grab that packet of veggies wrapped in plastic, I'll grab the packet of veggies loose and I'll put them in my own bag.

Lisa B:
Small things like that can all make a really massive difference when one person is influenced, and they start talking about it, they start explaining to their friends. So they're out shopping and their kids ask why they're doing it that way and it creates this roll on effect, I feel like it's a bit contagious. And so that positivity and those positive actions can actually expand from that one person, that one opportunity and my goal is to show people that as an individual, you have the power to create change. It just starts with one thing.

Warwick F:
That's such an important message because it can be easy to think all the pollution in the ocean that you write about is just one part of it is just heartbreaking and what that does to animals and dolphins. All it takes is one person doing one thing and it does it's huge. So let's talk about Antarctica, so you have to buy the boat, refit it, you got all these partners who are helping you out. Obviously still raising money was it's like when earlier endeavors wasn't easy. And down to the wire it always seems to be that way. It's never easy, right?

Lisa B:
Yes.

Warwick F:
Yeah six months to go, got 110% of funding. That doesn't seem to be your life and anybody's life, but so you got to get the boat to Albany, West Australia. And for US listeners, Australia is about the same size as the continental US. So going from Sydney to Albany is like a long, long way and not an easy voyage. So you finally get to Albany and you get yourself together in January 2017, you launch out on this epic voyage. So talk a bit about that because you talk about the race track and having to be below 45 degree parallel and if you go above it, you know you lost before you began or it's over.

Warwick F:
So talk about that whole challenge and what it was like day-to-day. I'm not a sailing person but reading about changing sails and jibs and then tacking and the preventer line continually busting and you know? I mean my gosh, you had to be not just an avid mechanic professional. I mean, every day was just so hard, what do they say? I think the US Seals when they're asked they have some mantra like the only easy day is yesterday. It sounds a bit like your life. The only easy day was yesterday, which wasn't that easy, right? So just talk about the whole race track 45 degrees and the day-to-day life on this epic voyage.

Lisa B:
Perfect. So basically, because I was challenging Fyodor Konyukhov's record, he was the second person to upsell solo around Antarctica. So I was trying or aiming to be the third person to do the trip, solo, nonstop and unassisted. And because I was challenging his record the World Sailing Speed Record Council, which is the governing body of sailing records, they basically said to me, in order to be eligible, I would have to start and finish from the same place he did, which was Albany in Western Australia. And I would need to keep between the same parallels that he was sailing on.

Lisa B:
So when Fyodor Konyukhov did it, he did it as part of this race called the Antarctica Cup Ocean Race. So he was effectively on this race track, which was that parallel between 45 and 60 south. And if you went outside of those lines at any point, he voided his record. So because I was challenging his record, I had the same rules, even though I wasn't actually racing on the racetrack or had the committee behind me the race committee behind me. So I set off from Albany I had to go directly south for about 700 miles, until I entered into a formal racetrack, and then I could turn left under 45 degrees south and start heading over towards Tasmania, and I effectively went clockwise around the bottom of the planet.

Lisa B:
And I remember the day I left it was this, I was just so tired, because as you said, you never get the sponsorship or the money until right at the end when people know you're going and you're making it happen. And then you've got like a year's worth of work, you got to cram into a few months. And so it's just this intensity that you have that I don't think I've ever done a trip that doesn't have me up all night, the night before I leave. And I think I managed about two hours sleep the night before I left.

Lisa B:
And in fact that first week at sea, I feel like I got more sleep than I did in the weeks leading up to the departure of the voyage, which is unusual considering I'm sleeping in cat naps. And so I left and I remember casting off the lines. And there was this moment of complete panic, because I hadn't been visualizing leaving. And I've been visualizing all the things that could possibly go wrong out there.

Lisa B:
And the Southern Ocean is well known as the world's most dangerous ocean and that's because, effectively there's no landmass down there to break up the storms. So as a storm rolls around the bottom of the ocean, it goes the entire way around the planet. And it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger and more aggressive as it goes. And it creates this unique swell where you can have waves the size of houses or more, just on a daily basis. That's your average swell. So it's this incredibly dangerous place to be in.

Lisa B:
And as part of my preparation process, I've been visualizing all these scenarios that could occur from knockdowns, to rollovers, to breaking masts, to hitting an iceberg, to hitting a sunken container, to flooding the boat, to losing the keel, to getting myself injured. And so I was thinking about all these possible scenarios. And when I finally left, it just crashed into me that, "Hang on, I'm now having to do this. It's no longer this thing I'm visualizing, it's not this thing I'm imagining. It's something I'm actively going out and doing right now."

Lisa B:
And I then had to remind myself that I had done the preparation because I was terrified, I started shaking, I started hyperventilating. I was like, choking on my air, and I just was freaking out completely. And I had to take a couple of calming breaths and remind myself that I'd prepared for this, that I'd worked really hard for this and that I could do it. And when I left, I then just settled in, but there was this sort of ominous feeling as a sailed, south to that line, because the further south I went, the grayer the skies would get and the bigger the swell was and the colder it was, and just how much more isolated and alone you feel.

Lisa B:
And there's this idea of how bad is bad going to be, because you never quite know. You can always think about it, but you never 100%. You just don't know how bad is bad. But I went off, I used the first couple of weeks of the voyage just to settling into life at sea, I was going to be on board for an estimated three months. So I was planning to be isolated for that length of time. So I really wanted to pace myself and I wanted to pace the boat as well.

Lisa B:
So I took the approach of having a really fast boat, and sailing it slowly. And by having a light fast boat, it meant I didn't have to change my sails for every weather pattern or every weather change that came through. And if I was a little under canvassed with the sails, that's okay, because I was still making pretty decent speeds, even with the less sail up. So that really allowed me to take the pressure off me by having that approach. And my greatest goal of the whole trip whilst I was challenging Fyodor's record, and whilst I was trying to become the first woman to do it, my biggest goal was just do the loop and come home alive, because then I would have succeeded.

Lisa B:
Everything else was just extras, actually just coming back to that point of talking about success or failure in those moments in time. The other thing I really did was because the challenge of getting to the start line was so big, I actually said to myself, "Well, as long as I can leave, as long as I get on the boat and I leave regardless of what happens next, I've succeeded." Because I've got the goal, I've got the boat, I've got the trip off the ground, and I left. And everything else was this kind of thing that I couldn't really control because weather and factors are around that. But as long as I left, I knew I had already succeeded. So that really took that pressure off.

Warwick F:
And that's really an important point is reframing the big goal of going round Antarctica into mini goals. Okay, first goal was to leave, second goal was to get on the race track or maybe there was a goal before that, but just mini goals, waypoints is I guess they call them in boating. But reading that book and anybody that's read it or I think there's a documentary, it's just hard to fathom how you could carry on each day because each day was unbelievably hard. So talk about an average day. You're sailing below the 45th parallel, what was an average day? Help the listeners understand what you did on an average day when there's storms and gales going all over the place?

Lisa B:
Yeah, so an average day is really, like I said, it strips you back to that eat sleep sail mentality because you don't have room for anything else. Your whole world is how do I survive in this storm? And so every decision you make is around that. So generally, my body clock got completely out of whack and the weather patterns affected when I could sleep or when I couldn't sleep. And more often than not, there was a weather shift in the morning around 6:00 a.m. so I'd be up on deck trimming sales and changing the angle of the sails. Then I'd get below, freezing cold. It's all about two degrees, three degrees, so it's icy cold and I try warm myself up-

Warwick F:
So that's two or three degrees Celsius which is-

Lisa B:
Celsius, yes.

Warwick F:
Not quite sure it's still probably. Well-

Gary S:
It's still cold.

Warwick F:
Yeah. It's probably in the 30's. I don't know what it is. Probably it is terrible. Anyway, go ahead.

Lisa B:
And then I would send a text message to my shore team to tell them what happened over the night and let them know that I'm safe and I'm alive still and that's all going okay. I would either eat something if I was hungry, which I'd normally wasn't at that point or I would get a couple more hours sleep and I would then bounce out of bed again or crawl out of bed should I say, at about 12 o'clock after having four or five little nano naps, I call them.

Lisa B:
So they're generally 20 minutes. The further I got from risks, I could increase those sleeps up to 40 minutes. And I think the longest single sleep I got in the whole record was about an hour and a half. So it's lots of little baby sleeps, so you're never really sleeping, so you're always operating on this intense level of fatigue and sleep deprivation. And I would have to alter my priorities when my sleep deprivation would get so bad that I couldn't function very well or my emotions were out of whack and change it so that I wasn't optimizing the sails anymore, I was just trying to get some sleep, but I still couldn't sleep more than that 20 to 40 minute block at a time, before the boat would need some attention.

Lisa B:
I would then get up, I would have to do some daily maintenance. So I'd walk around and I would, check the bilges for water, I would go on deck and do a deck walk and I would just check that things are looking okay, I'll get a weather forecast, communicate with my shore team, send a blog home, those sorts of things. And by about eight or nine at night, I'd be trying to have some dinner, which was always a really basic, we call it freeze dried food. It's like what the astronauts ate, which is like a patch of dried goods and you add a cup of boiling water to it. And it's all kind of the same texture, all kind of tastes the same. But you get on with it and then so have my dinner.

Lisa B:
And then I would always be aiming to get to bed before midnight. It almost never happened, and so I'd be getting ready for bed at like 10, 11 o'clock at night. And when I say bed, I mean, I would be in bed for four or five hours. But I'm still doing all those little naps in that period of time. And then inevitably around midnight, there would be a sail change required. And I would either have to put a reef in because the winds have increased, shake a reef out because the winds have decreased, or they've changed direction on me and I'd have to be on deck doing something with the sails.

Lisa B:
So that would then cause me to get completely soaked head to toe by icy cold water which wakes you up, which makes it impossible to try and get 20 minute naps. And then I would have to come back down below after an hour or two of fighting with the sails on deck and getting smashed by waves and just generally having a really fun time of it. And then I would try and get a couple more nano naps. So it was just this constant... Your priorities are secondary to the boat's priorities in that environment and the boat's requirements generally outpaced what your requirements are.

Lisa B:
So you forego things like sleep or food on occasion, because the boat needs attention or the boat needs work. And I generally operated, I would try and do something that I called sleep banking. And that is where I never know when the next emergency is going to occur. I never know when I might have to be up for two days at a time or when the next storm is around the corner, something could go wrong. And it causes me to be awake for a long period of time.

Lisa B:
And because you're already operating at these extreme fatigue measures, I would bank my sleep. So that meant anytime I wasn't trimming sails or eating, I was trying to rest in my bunk. And even if I couldn't sleep, I would at least be laying down in bed, whether I was reading a book in bed or not, just so that my body is getting some rest. Because the rest of the time, it feels like you've run a marathon, and you've got another five marathons to go and you just got to suck it up and find the energy from somewhere.

Warwick F:
And what's amazing is every day was like what you just described as I read the book. Sail changes, 20 minute nano naps, and then you've got this alarm thing saying change sail, you're off course, do something. It keeps blaring away. Then the team approaching "Yep, it's not looking good," because it seems like it's the Southern Ocean. So obviously, a key moment is you're somewhere probably seven, 800 miles south of Cape Town somewhere. And you're in another big storm and somehow the mast breaks, you talk about electrolysis and lines and you figure some of that out later. But that was when your whole journey changed. Talk about what happened when the mask broke and that was a huge, crucible, if you will in this journey.

Gary S:
And can we stop one second for listeners who may not have a great grasp of of sailing. When a mast breaks, let's explain what that means. To me, that means you don't have a sail anymore. Is that right?

Lisa B:
Yeah, so you don't have any means of propulsion anymore. So the mast is the pointing out bit that all your sails fly off. So when it snaps, all your sails are gone as well. And what also occurs is that your mast can become a weapon. And it's this thing that's still attached to the boat through ropes and riggings. But it's now getting pushed and shoved by all the swell and the waves that are out there. And more often than not, it can get driven by a wave through the hull of your boat effectively sinking you.

Lisa B:
So a mast breaking is an incredibly dangerous thing to have occur. It's snapping, ripping ropes, it's just tons of force of pressure getting applied to everything. And, in fact since I've been back from this trip, I've had numerous people come up to me and say, "I survived a de-masting with a crew of 15 and I was terrified. I don't know how you did it, on your own in the middle of those oceans." So it's certainly one of the bigger risks should I say that sailors face out to say yes, it definitely not a good thing to have happen.

Gary S:
So as Warwick said, enormous crucible, what was it like for you when that happened to you? That, friends, is what those of us in the communications business call a cliffhanger. How indeed did Lisa Blair move on after she lost her mast, after she lost her power of propulsion, while circumnavigating Antarctica? You'll find out all about that in some extraordinarily interesting detail in next week's episode of Beyond the Crucible.

Gary S:
Until that time, until we're together again, please remember as Lisa's story up to this point has proven and will definitely prove in the second half next week, that crucibles are painful, emotionally painful, physically painful, circumstantially painful, they upset the applecart of our lives. They can knock us off course, they can change the trajectory of where we're going, but they're not the end of our stories.

Gary S:
In fact, as we examine, on Beyond The Crucible in offering hope and healing to folks who have been through crucibles just like you, just like Lisa Blair, that crucible experiences if we learn the lessons from them, aren't the end of our stories. They in fact can be the beginning of new and exciting and rewarding stories, because they lead after we've learned those lessons and applied them, those new stories lead to a life of significance.

In more than 20 years of playing football, as an amateur and in the NFL, Jeff Kemp was only once earmarked as his team’s starting quarterback before the season began. His career never did match that of his legendary dad, AFL standout Jack Kemp — whose shadow loomed even larger thanks to a distinguished career in politics and public service after he retired from the game. But while Jeff got knocked down a few times, he always got back up. He learned his life had a greater purpose than just achieving, and he’s crafted a post-gridiron career helping others huddle up to build stronger marriages, more faith-filled lives, and deeper relationships at home and at the office.

For more information about Jeff Kemp and his book, Facing the Blitz: Three Strategies for Turning Trials into Triumphs, visit www.jeffkempteam.com

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Transcript

Warwick F:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.

Jeff K:
The toughest things I've gone through in pro football and the fact that I didn't get to be Joe Montana, Super Bowl champion, or Jack Kemp Jr., basically, those things crushed me to seek a better answer for who I am and a better purpose for the outcomes and circumstances in my life than just achieving.

Gary S:
A better purpose than just achieving. That's the goal we exhort listeners to every week on this show, as we offer insight and inspiration for you to lead a life of significance. It's not an easy journey, and it can be particularly difficult when you grow up feeling like you've got really, really big shoes to fill.

Gary S:
Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the show and the communications director for Crucible Leadership. Today's guest is someone who knows the reality of what I just described really well. Jeff Kemp is the son of American Football League champion and MVP, Jack Kemp, the American Football League is the old AFL. And Jack Kemp didn't just leave a legacy on the football field, he left one in public service and in politics too, as a cabinet secretary, presidential candidate, and vice presidential nominee. His son, Jeff's, achievements on the gridiron were no match for his dad's. In his more than a decade in the NFL, Jeff Kemp was rarely a starter, and more than once released, traded, passed over. But as he explains in this conversation with Warwick, he weathered the blitzes on and off the field to find his true purpose, helping others huddle up to build stronger marriages, more faith filled lives, and deeper relationships at home and at the office.

Warwick F:
Well, Jeff, thank you so much for being here. I loved reading your book, Facing the Blitz. Definitely found some common themes, a different language, in terms of as we talk about bouncing back from crucibles, and as you talk about just overcoming blitzes, thinking differently. So, I love that whole theme. It's funny, typically, when we have a guest on, we often ask them, "Tell us about your family." Well, you've got one impressive family. Obviously, you and Stacy and your three boys, but just you have a very famous dad, Jack Kemp, who, even in Australia, I mean, I'd heard of him there and I've lived in the US since the early '90s.

Warwick F:
And as I was refreshing my memory about your dad, I could relate because I come from a prominent family in Australia, five generations of very prominent people, of which I'm not in their league at all of any of the five that came before me, which we can talk about in a bit if it's helpful, but I'd just love to hear your perspective because a lot of people will know about Jack Kemp, but just to refresh people's memory kind of looking it up here. Obviously, I knew a lot of this, but your dad, as you know, played 13 seasons in pro football, AFC quarterback of the winning team in '64, '65, I guess before the merger happened, and Super Bowl, represented Buffalo for nine terms in Congress, Housing Secretary under President George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole's running mate for vice president in '96. Ran for republican nomination in '88. That's some huge shoes to fill.

Warwick F:
So, talk about growing up as the son of Jack Kemp, when you're trying to find your own way in life and identity. Everybody loved Jack Kemp, everybody admired him, irrespective of what side of the aisle they're on, so talk a bit about how it was like growing up in that kind of family.

Jeff K:
I'm actually looking through my phone to find a picture, since there may be some folks who don't remember Jack, but I'll get a picture. I just found some. Here's one of dad and me after a Rams game.

Gary S:
Oh wow.

Jeff K:
Came to all my games in California. I never would have made it in pro football without his encouragement. I was a starter one time out of 20 years at the beginning of the season, in my whole life. Okay, one time out of 20 seasons. I was a backup most of the time, but I still made it 11 years in the NFL because I had this voice in my head saying, "You are a Kemp, be a leader, you are a Kemp, be a leader. Your day is going to come. I believe in you. It's going to happen. God has a plan. You're in the right place. Hey, you played great today." "Dad, I didn't even get in the game." "Oh, I know. I saw you warming up. You're really doing well." That's the kind of dad I had.

Jeff K:
Let me show you another picture. Here's me on the airplane, the Buffalo Bills team flight with my dad, sitting in his lap.

Warwick F:
How old are you there? Like about four or something? You look pretty young?

Jeff K:
Yeah, four or five. We didn't get to go on the flights normally. I might have just jumped on the plane, gotten to sit down and take off, I don't know. But we really were blessed in a huge way. Here's a picture of me as the little toe head, and my dad. Do you know that other guy in the picture with him?

Warwick F:
Yeah. Ronald Reagan. Wow, my gosh. Your dad looks young there. Was that before Reagan was president?

Jeff K:
Oh, yeah. He was governor. My dad worked for Reagan in California in....

Warwick F:
Right, when he was governor of California. Okay.

Jeff K:
1967 off season, we moved out there for three months. Let me give you the family thing, because you wisely and graciously opened this interview by asking me the question about who am I and who am I related to? And I think you and I both know quite well from experience, from families of achievement, we are not our pedigree, we are not our performance, we are not our bank account, we are not our title, we aren't our job, we aren't all the stuff we accomplish. We are amazing, beloved creatures of God who he created, and we have the opportunity for a relationship, or we can skip out on that, which many people in the world do, and secondly, we're the son or daughter of a man and woman. We're the sister or brother of people. Relationships are what shape us. Today I'm the husband of Stacy, I'm the father of four sons, not three, and I have four daughters-in-law and five grandkids.

Jeff K:
So, my identity is related to family, both spiritual family, which is way better than performing, because I promise you, football players get cut and then they would lose their identity if they were football players. And I don't lose my identity as Stacy's husband, I don't lose my identity as a son that God loves, or ever will I lose my identity as Jack and Joanne's son.

Jeff K:
The interesting thing about that is, as good as my dad was at encouraging, and loving unconditionally, and not making it about me being first string or anything like that, I put my own pressure on myself that I was going to be a great leader like my dad told me I would be, and I figured a great leader must be an all pro quarterback in the NFL, and win championships, and then become a great speaker, and then become a statesman, and run for president by the time you're 50 years old. That's kind of hard to live up to all that. And he didn't put all that on me, Warwick, Gary, he didn't put pressure on me for that, but we humans are insecure, and we're driven to feel good about ourselves, and we want to be popular. And so I put my own pressure on myself that I got to really rise and achieve a lot.

Jeff K:
And I didn't get to go to University of Southern California or Stanford or Notre Dame. Best college I could go to for football was Dartmouth. Now, it happened to be great for academics, so it opened two pathways. But my mom was the really encouraging, personal, relational, faith expressing force in the family.

Jeff K:
My dad was the hyper encouraging, best encourager I've ever known in the world, visionary, a championing, vision casting, optimistic, big picture faith, but he didn't really have the transparency, and vulnerability, and honesty, and sharing his weaknesses and stuff like that, so I didn't really pick that up from my dad as much as from my mom, and mostly, I picked up that from my relationship with God during the years I played pro football, and my wife, who she's got a fabulous, cool, committed relationship to God and she helps me be a better person, although she's kind of like sandpaper. She keeps rubbing off the spots of me that are a little bit obnoxious.

Jeff K:
So, I have two sisters, and a little brother, younger than me. I was the oldest. I married Stacy. I met her my first summer in California as a free agent with the Rams, and then we got married right after our second season. She's the only girl I dated out there. We knew God brought us together. We have incredibly different personalities in every single way except dominant leadership. She's a 99 dominant leader and I'm a 97, which bugs me because I'm competitive, and she beat me. So, we got two totally different people, this introvert, organized, disciplined, black and white, right and wrong, sequential person, and then there's me, the opposite of all that. And I'm the feeler and she's the thinker. It's kind like I'm the girl in the equation and she's the guy, but we're dominant leaders, so our marriage has had a lot of friction, but great commitment.

Jeff K:
And that has reshaped us both. It's made us turn to God because we needed some help to keep us glued together that we couldn't have done on our own. And we've turned to mentors, coaching, conferences, classes, books, and then we ended up helping other couples because we needed so much help. So, that's the journey. A great family, a dad with a big pedigree, and I finally figured out that I don't need to be a famous success, I just need to be faithful.

Warwick F:
Right. You don't need to be Jack Kemp.

Jeff K:
I don't need be Jack Kemp, I have to be Jeff.

Warwick F:
Being Jeff Kemp is fine. It's interesting, it sounds like your dad had a great heart, and wasn't trying to push you into anything, but as you say, when he's saying, "Being a Kemp means being a leader. I know you can do it. You did great. You can be all that you want to be."

Jeff K:
Exactly.

Warwick F:
He might not have meant that, but you could interpret that as being, "Okay, so if I'm not a starting quarterback, and win a Super Bowl, at least be a member of Congress, maybe a Senator, I'm not being a Kemp. I'm not being a leader." So, it probably wasn't what he intended-

Jeff K:
I think you read it right. I filled in all the blanks and I exaggerated it and created a higher expectation for myself, even than he set out. But it was natural that I did so because he was so hyper encouraging and leadership to him was, "Let's work with Reagan to cut the tax rate and energize the whole world economy. Let's win two championships in a row with the Buffalo Bills." That was the benchmark.

Warwick F:
Right. It's funny. Do you ever think of saying, "Dad, I love your encouraging. Can you dial it down a little bit?"

Jeff K:
No. I didn't, because back then, I loved it, and I didn't know the performance mentality that I would assign to it that would make the weakest parts of me show up. The weakest parts of me is my vanity, my pride, my ego, my comparison to others, my impatience. But at the same time, that journey of seeing all that stuff and ending up a backup quarterback usually, getting traded, getting cut, getting booed in my big opportunity with the Seahawks in 1988 when I thought my career was going to flourish and take off, and it happened exactly the opposite, all of those things, the Crucible, okay? I don't think you understand, Warwick, but the real word is blitz. You're supposed to call those things blitzes. I don't know where you came up with this melting the gold and silver Crucible

Warwick F:
Yeah, blitzes. Yeah...

Jeff K:
Listen, blitzes, they are not just danger, they are... What are they?

Warwick F:
They're blitzes.

Jeff K:
They're not danger. They're also what? Opportunity.

Warwick F:
Painful. Opportunity. Right, right, right. Sorry, I hear what you're saying.

Jeff K:
That's what a crisis is.

Warwick F:
Right. And I love that. Just parenthetically, one of the things you have in your book is the two Chinese characters, saying the Chinese character, that crisis combines danger and opportunity.

Jeff K:
Yeah, show us the picture. Gary, can you show us the picture.

Warwick F:
That's fascinating that a crisis can be birth. I love that.

Jeff K:
Do you have the picture right there? Can you show it?

Warwick F:
Yeah, I'll try.

Jeff K:
If you can.

Warwick F:
See if I can-

Jeff K:
There it is. It's simple.

Warwick F:
Do people see that? Okay. So, it's two Chinese symbols.

Jeff K:
Got it. That is the way, in Chinese, they represent the word and concept crisis. And the Crucible is a crisis, the blitz is a crisis. It's not just dangerous, it's also opportunity.

Jeff K:
What I was saying was the toughest things I've gone through in pro football, and the fact that I didn't get to be Joe Montana, Super Bowl champion, or Jack Kemp Jr. basically, those things crushed me to seek a better answer for who I am and a better purpose for the outcomes and circumstances of my life than just achieving.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I want to focus here in a second on sort of one key crucible you talk about, I think it was the '88, 49ers, Seahawks game, but some listeners will know, but I think it's helpful, I couldn't have grown up in a more different background. I'm not particularly athletic, I'm not terrible, but in Australia, at least in Sydney, we play rugby, and most of the rest of the country, they play Aussie Rules, which they call footy there, which you've kind of got to be basically the size of a basketball player but maybe with the strength of a football player.

Jeff K:
Yeah, it's a great sport.

Warwick F:
It's strange, and you got to be very fast. But yeah, I mean, as listeners will know, I grew up in a large family media business. I was the fifth generation that was started by a very strong person of faith, as strong a businessman for Christ is I think I've ever heard of. He founded a great business. Wonderful husband, great dad, his employees loved him, elder at church. Every aspect of his life was done well. So, the benchmark there is really high. And then succeeding generations, faith wasn't quite as important, but by way of comparison, my dad was knighted. He had the same name as I do. He was Sir Warwick Fairfax, that were three knighthoods in a row, and this kind of knighthood you have to earn it.

Warwick F:
So, it's not quite like being three Super Bowl champion in a row, but it's a little bit like somebody that's achieved greatness and prominence three in a row. Obviously, I wasn't knighted, they don't do that anymore. It's a bit too English royal family these days, and I wouldn't have earned it, but they were all greatly admired and respected by the community. My dad oversaw a company going from one newspaper, or a few newspapers, to TV, radio, magazines, to a huge company, and what did I do? I was the Fairfax that kind of destroyed 150 years of family history. So, my Wikipedia entry, and I do have one, it's the young hot headed kid that could have had it all and blew it. It is kind of like, through the game, losing interception in the big game, that's what you're forever remembered for.

Warwick F:
So, yeah, I get the whole, for me and my identity, can't just being a Fairfax, because I can't compete with the legacy of five generations of great, great men. So, I kind of get it on one level, even though we're very different. But talk a bit about one of the key points in your career was that 49ers, Seahawks game when you were playing for the Seahawks. I love that incident in the book. I mean, you throw into your buddy, Steve Largent, and somehow he drops the pass.

Jeff K:
Yeah, I'll set it up this way. I had five years at the Rams as a free agent, wasn't even supposed to make it. Started for them in '84, took us to the playoffs. They wanted someone more flashy and pedigreed, maybe taller, and so they got someone new. And then I got traded to the 9ers, and that looked like a dead end. You stuck behind Joe Montana your whole career, but he got hurt right away, and I got coached by Bill Walsh and Mike Holmgren, got to throw to Jerry Rice, and had the best season of my life in '86, and we went to the playoffs. But I was hurt, Montana got better. They brought in Steve Young, and somehow I didn't beat out those two Hall of Famers. Anyway, so they traded me. They said, "Thanks, Jeff. You helped us get to the playoffs, but we don't need you." Traded me to Seattle. So, I was on the rise. I was getting good in my career.

Jeff K:
And I spent a year on the bench backing up David Krieg, and then I had the chance to start, after an injury of his, in '88, and we were playing the 9ers in Seattle. And I had prepared so well, I was so hyper disciplined on that week, to know my game plan, to throw extra passes after practice, and I was very confident. I was spiritually really plugged in to make sure that I gave God everything so he might bless me. He doesn't work like that. He's not a... But I was covering all my bases.

Jeff K:
And I walked out in the pregame meal on Sunday morning, four hours before the game, and a coach put his arm around me an offensive coach... and this is kind of rare, this level of encouragement, and he said, "Jeff, I just want to let you know," looking me in the eyes, "I've been waiting for the day that you would be the Seahawks quarterback. This is going to be awesome." That was as big an encouragement as my dad had given me, right? And I felt so validated, so valued, so encouraged, so pumped, I was ready to have the world's best game, lead us to victory, take us to the playoffs, win a Super Bowl, and really launch my career. It wasn't pure ambition, but it was adrenaline to be the best you can be, and this was the moment, it was coming.

Jeff K:
Anyway, the game started, and the first pass of the game was to Steve Largent. I hit him perfectly between two defenders on a slant route, and he dropped it. Steve Largent, Hall of Fame, unbelievable. The guy's perfect. He drops the ball on my first pass to him of our big game, and I'm-

Warwick F:
And he's a good friend of yours.

Jeff K:
He's a really good friend of mine. Yeah, we're super close. And after that, Steve didn't make any mistakes, but the game did not go well for the Seahawks. We were getting beat on defense and on offense. I was playing very, very poorly. Nothing was really open. Nothing was working. And gosh, I had only four completions in the first half, and three of them were to the 49ers, not my team.

Warwick F:
Oh, no.

Jeff K:
Two corner routes were intercepted and a hail Mary at the end of the half that was intercepted, and I walked off the field expecting to get benched, because this is pro football and not Pop Warner, and they pay you to play well, and I wasn't, but I had a clear idea of one of the reasons for the interceptions, was they were stymying our tight end, he wasn't getting down the middle. They were killing him at the line of scrimmage, blocking him. And so I was going to talk to that encouraging coach who put his arm around me, and I was going to say, "Coach, why don't we move the tight end in emotion, got them off the line freely, he could split the two safeties, and we'd keep him honest on those corner routes that I've been messing up on."

Jeff K:
Well, I walked up to him two feet away, and Gary, I looked at him and I said, "Coach," and he turned his back 180 degrees, and he walked over and got another quarterback, put his hand on his shoulder and was going to put him in the game. This made sense. I understood benching Jeff, and I kind of expected it. I didn't want it. I knew I could play way, way, way better than that, and that's not the real me.

Jeff K:
I have the Jack Kemp, never give in, never give in, never give in Churchill attitude, but I didn't get to say a word to that coach for the rest of the game. Other than to call plays to a new quarterback, Kelly, and encourage him, that coach didn't say a word to me during the game, after the game, Monday in films, he critiqued me as he should, but he didn't say a word personally to me.

Jeff K:
For a month, we were out of relationship. I'd say, "Hi," and he'd kind of veer around me and not even look at me anymore. Basically, he's not a jerk, and I'm not telling this story because he's a jerk. Basically, we live in a conditional performance-based world, and the epitome of it is the NFL. The acronym NFL might stand for, not for long. If you don't perform, you won't be here for very long. Okay? What have you done for me lately?

Jeff K:
So, this coach thought he could motivate me with a real personal, almost loving encouragement, and I feel like he probably meant a lot of it, but the minute I didn't perform and let him down, he was on to the next hope, and he was feeling that same conditionality, that same performance basis from his head coach who'd get rid of him just as quick if he did as badly as I, and he feels it from the owner, and he feels it from Madison Avenue and Wall Street. And this conditional performance-based value system that I got caught up in and benched from first-string to third-string in one half, my big shot with the Seahawks was gone. I hardly got in the field for a number of years until 1991, my last season, when I got to play again. All this was gone in a matter of seconds because of-

Warwick F:
Did this feel like a turning point, that game?

Jeff K:
It was a turning point in my career in Seattle for the negative. There'd been a lot of expectations and hope and I had a lot of confidence, and all sudden now I'm just a good, solid, dependable backup who's played in the league, and we can count on him. We'll try to replace him with some other guys, but we haven't found anyone better, but he can still be a backup, but he's not our starter. That's how my career went in Seattle. And I handled that, Warwick, by persevering, still preparing, hoping I get to play, but I also put a lot of effort into being the best teammate I could.

Jeff K:
And I helped as many guys on the team as I could be good athletes, and I helped them be better husbands, and better men, and better dads. Steve Largent and I, and Eugene Robinson led the team chapel and the Bible study. My wife and I invited couples over to our house, dating couples and married couples, to learn about marriage and relationships, because we were learning about it. And then I'd use the off seasons to invest in the community to make the world better, the way you talk about using Crucibles to get other centered purpose to make the world better. I started doing that kind of thing, and that's what set me up for post football, having a mission to strengthen fatherhood, marriage and families. So yeah, it was a turning point.

Warwick F:
Yeah. How did you deal with the whole identity issue? Because obviously, as you said, your dad was sort of, amongst other things, Hall of Fame quarterback, that people think of you as a good solid backup. You had this shining moment, well, potential, and it didn't work out too well. How did you deal with the whole identity of my life isn't going the way I had hoped it would? It seemed like you've handled it as well as you could in the sense of helping others, mentoring. I mean, you weren't just sulking and sitting at home. I mean, to the outside world it was like, Jeff Kemp's handling this amazingly. So, what was going on inside?

Jeff K:
It's funny. The Seattle newspaper did an interview with me several weeks after I'd been benched from first-string to third, and they were asking how am I doing? How am I handling it? And they checked with some teammates and saw that I wasn't hanging my head, and I wasn't going out to the bar and drinking myself silly, I wasn't down talking the other quarterback. I was a help. And so we had this long interview, and I answered all this reporter's questions, and she wrote a really long and mostly nice article, and it was very complimentary of me, but it finished with this line... And I share, basically, a lot about my identity isn't in football, it's in my relationship with God, being a husband and a dad, and that anchors me. So anyway, she ends up writing, "Jeff Kemp will survive. He's a survivor because of his great faith, faith in himself and faith in his abilities."

Jeff K:
She completely missed the point. I do not have faith in myself. My character is flawed. I wanted to be the starter. I was pissed. I wasn't happy. I had a couple of nights where I cried on my apartment carpet floor, not bawling but kind of sniffling male cry with my wife as I explained to her how much it hurt to be benched and forgotten and rejected. And I even told her, "One thing that bothers me most is not only that I'm benched but that it bothers me so much." I thought I was a stronger person of faith than this.

Gary S:
Right. I want to jump in here and say to the listener, you're probably not an NFL quarterback, you probably weren't an NFL quarterback, you probably weren't the fifth generation heir to a multi-billion dollar media dynasty, but what Jeff just described, the emotions of a crucible, the emotions of a blitz, of getting sacked, of getting knocked off balance, those emotions are legit and the same in what you're going through right now. And Warwick, I know you've talked before... I mean, having editorial cartoons done about you after the takeover failed, that was an emotionally trying time, and that's a real thing for anybody who goes through any crucible of any stripe.

Warwick F:
Absolutely. It's funny.

Jeff K:
Thanks, Gary, for saying that.

Warwick F:
I mean, obviously, Jeff, you wouldn't be familiar with it, but you never want to have editorial cartoons done on you. I mean, there was one that says, "How do you start a small business? Give Warwick Fairfax a big one?" I mean, another one had me looking like sort of Genghis Khan, so this Mongol kind of raiders, "And here's young Warwick destroying what took 150 years to build," and it was pretty brutal.

Warwick F:
So yeah, for me, yeah, I had become a believer before this whole takeover thing, but feeling like I've let down my dad, and my great-great-grandfather, John Fairfax, who founded it, and caused turmoil for a few thousand employees. Some family members who are unhappy with me, it was like I was pretty down for most of the '90s, like, "How could I have been so stupid?" I have an Oxford degree and also have a Harvard MBA. In theory, I shouldn't be that dumb in business.

Jeff K:
That's your problem. You went to Harvard instead of Dartmouth.

Warwick F:
There you go.

Jeff K:
It all traces back to that huge mistake.

Warwick F:
If I'd gone to Dartmouth Tuck School of Business, life would have been better, absolutely.

Jeff K:
Hey, let me say this right now. Gary, you teed it up, Warwick, you felt it, and every person out there has been blitzed. They've been cut, they've been rejected. They went to junior high, they know what it's like to be on the losing end of that conditional performance-based value system, making fun of your pimples, or your size, or your voice, or whatever. Everyone goes through crucibles.

Jeff K:
I want to remind people, you want to remind people, Gary wants to remind people, you are not alone, others have been in it before, and the worst thing you can do is hide your emotions from other people. Hide your pain, drown it and self medicate it or pretend it didn't happen, but the worst thing you can do is say, "I'm a victim. It's all about other people." Because you'll never grow if you don't look at what your part in it was, which wasn't, "I'm the worst guy in the world. I deserved to be benched, or I deserved to have cartoons against me." No, but you know what, there's lessons that I learned, and you have to accept your own personal responsibility. Maybe it was a divorce you went through, you can think it was 90% her. Your math is probably off. Okay? Maybe you were cut, or sacked, or benched, or fired by some company and you think that was the worst manager or CEO ever. Maybe they weren't that perfect, but there might be something you can learn.

Warwick F:
Absolutely.

Jeff K:
All I'm saying is, embrace the crucible, embrace the blitz, get honest with God and honest with other people about it, and learn everything you can about yourself and what life is truly about, because your life is not about your win-loss record, your statistics, your bank account, the applause of the world, how many Twitter followers you have. That is pretty much a bunch of BS and it'll take you down a wrong road, you'll lose your identity. Living for image and living to gain and earn your identity is a very losing equation. I'd say explore everything you can learn about the blitz you've gone through, the crucible you're in, share openly with a few trusted mentors and people, and then find out if there's a possible solution, by a relationship with God, who loves you unconditionally, and actually uses blitz and crucibles to turn bad things to good.

Jeff K:
In fact, all of history, Warwick, I think hinges on one date, the date that God came to earth in the person of a man, and he told everyone, "I am going to die on a cross, and I'll be buried and gone for three days, but then I'm going to raise from the dead." And 500 people saw him because he actually did it. There's no religious leader or person in history who's done this. And then he went back to his father in heaven, and said, "I will return again." Well, basically, no one had a career that looked as good as Jesus's and turned out as bad as his. His number one guy, the treasurer betrayed him. Okay? His new number one guy, Peter, he denied him three times. Every one of the guys scattered. They couldn't even stay awake with him and pray with him in that garden the night before he's going to get killed. They all left. They all left. The world mocked him.

Jeff K:
The Jewish leaders, he practiced Judaism better than them, but they said he was a fraud. He was the actual answer that they were supposed to believe in. And I love Jewish people, I love Israel, I love the Jewish faith. My Christian faith is stemming from Judaism. It's the same God. I just believe the Messiah has come. And that is kind of God's plan, was to take a blitz in Jesus, make it look terrible, and then turn it around for good. That's God's formula. Look at all the Bible stories. That guy Joseph, man. There was a dude named Lazarus who Jesus was supposed to heal, but he let him die and stay in the tomb four days so that he could actually prove that he gives life instead of just heal sicknesses. So, blitz is God's way. I'd say, turn to God, be honest, and let your blitz become God's blessing.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I want to shift to LIFT here in a moment, which we'll unpack, well, you'll unpack. But I just want listeners to hear what Jeff is saying. He said a number of profound things, is take responsibility for what happened in your blitz or your crucible. And, yeah, I spent a lot of years, in fact, a lot of the book that will come out next year on Crucible Leadership talks about that, thinking I was on this crusade, restore the company to the ideals of the founder, have it be well-run, I was so convinced in the mission, even though it was more an inherited one, that I wasn't really listening to advice. It was very biblical, actually. I had good advisors and bad advisors. I listened to the bad ones and ignored the good ones.

Warwick F:
In fact, there's a Bible story, Rehoboam, who was the son of Solomon, and he could have listened to his dad's advisors, Solomon was meant to be the wisest person that ever lived, he ignored his dad's advisors and he went with his buddies, these young guys. He said, "Yeah, persecute people, do whatever it takes," and it led to the split of Israel and bad things happened from there, so absolutely.

Jeff K:
You know what, that principle is, even though you are well educated and you had noble goals, at the root, wouldn't you say the problem probably was that the hinge point between pride and humility?

Warwick F:
Well, yeah, and it was also, as I talked about, I was living not even my dad's vision, the founder's vision. In your world, it'd be like trying to be Jack Kemp. Well, I was trying to be John Fairfax, the founder. But taking responsibility, and then as you put it, I mean, similar for me, even though I was a believer, I had to learn that God loved me unconditionally. He didn't need Fairfax Media and all of that. If he'd wanted it to work out, he would have, despite my mistakes, so that sense of God's unconditional love was the key point of me coming back.

Warwick F:
But I want to transition here a bit because I want to make sure I get to some of these key principles in your book. I love this phrase, LIFT, that life is for transformation, that I think you mentioned that your dad modeled and preached, then you've got these three, I guess, pillars in your book, of take a long term view, be willing to change, reach out to others. So, talk about just those three concepts and how it's sort of anchored in this whole concept of LIFT, of life is for transformation.

Jeff K:
Yeah. So, Bill Bennett, who worked with dad in the cabinet for President Bush, the first President Bush, described dad, after he passed away, as LIFT. Wherever he went, whatever the issue, whatever the audience, no matter the situation, Jack Kemp brought LIFT, a sunny, optimistic disposition that we can make the world better, we can turn bad to good. That's the way it was with me.

Jeff K:
But I agree with that sentiment, and I love the word LIFT, kind of like the aerodynamics of a wing that takes a plane up in the air when it's moving, but not when it's not moving. Secondly, there's an acronym, life is for transformation. Transformation from less good to better, from proud to humble, from selfish to unselfish, from me to us, from racist to we're all equal, from a lack of opportunity to more opportunity, from immaturity to maturity, okay? Obviously, it's for growth. Everyone's trying to grow and improve. That's the purpose of life. God made himself creative and he made us creative, but that means we should transform things to be better.

Jeff K:
Well, blitzes and crucibles are great examples of things that need to transform from not so good... COVID, I didn't want it to go this way. I didn't want to lose all my speeches and not have any men's conferences for this whole last seven months. I didn't want that. But guess what, there are other opportunities that I found in the midst of it that had been improvements in my life, in my marriage, in my relationship with God, in my content creating, in my coaching of leaders. I've started coaching CEOs, and they might reach many people versus the audience I wanted to.

Jeff K:
So, here's three strategies for facing your crucibles, and facing your blitzes, your troubles, and trials, and problems, and unexpected stuff you didn't want to happen. The first, take a long term view, not a short term view. Now, you and I have been changed and have found a lifelong centering relationship with God through the person of Jesus, and so our long term is eternity, right? This life is pretty cool, there's a lot of good stuff, but we know it's jacked up and imperfect. There's a paradise coming forever and ever and ever and ever and ever. That sounds pretty cool. That's God's kingdom. If you take that long term view, you're really going to make good decisions.

Jeff K:
If you just take a 10 or 20 year future vision, you might not yell at your wife quite so much, go have an affair, and say, "Screw this marriage," and blow up your family, because you're thinking, "I think grandma and grandpa together would be better for our grandkids than splitting up." Long term view. "Begin with the end in mind," Stephen Covey.

Jeff K:
Number two, you got to humble yourself instead of being proud, and you have to be willing to change. That's strategy two. You got to be willing to change. Football players always change the play in the blitz. We don't run the same play because it's not going to work. We site adjust, we adapt, we might call an audible, but we got to change. And many times you have to sacrifice. That's how we beat blitzes. Quarterback get hit in the jaw, but they deliver the ball to a receiver who changes his route, while all the linemen and running backs are diving in front of 300 pound defenders to sacrifice so the team can win, and the quarterback is on his back when he finds out that the touchdown pass just occurred, turning the blitz into the greatest play in the game and we win.

Jeff K:
You got to be willing to change, call different play, become more humble. If you talk all the time, shut up and listen. If you never talk, speak up. If you spend all your money and there's nothing left for the kids' college, start saving. Change your character. Maybe your faith is what needs to change. Maybe you say you believe in God, you go to church occasionally, you're religious. Why don't you try something different? Just try a relationship with God instead of religion. Well, why don't you try trusting him instead of just saying I believe? That might change some things. Why don't you try reading the Bible and seeing if the greatest book in history of the world can actually change you like it has me? So, that's number two, be willing to change.

Jeff K:
Number three. Stop playing the victim and focusing on yourself, and very simply, focus on others, bless others, turn outward. That's your vision. I've heard it in your crucible leadership. Here's my analogy for it my friend. It's to be an investor, especially in relationships. In the summertime, they teach the quarterbacks like Drew Brees, "Your responsibility is to throw the football to a one foot diameter of accuracy to the wide receiver, not anywhere close." I was in practice one day, Joe Montana threw a pass to Jerry Rice, it hit him right here in the shoulder, Jerry turned the ball to the front, kept running scored a touchdown, and the quarterback coach, Mike Holmgren said, "Good throw, Joe."

Jeff K:
And our Hall of Fame coach, Bill Walsh, turned to Mike and said, "No, it's not. That's not a good throw. That's not good enough. That hit him on his back shoulder. That could bounce off his pads, it might slow him down. He might not get the score. Mike, that ball's got to be right here, one foot diameter of accuracy in front of him so we can keep running." Meanwhile, they're teaching the wide receivers in the summer in the training camp, in their own meeting room, their responsibility is if they can touch the ball, wherever it is, they got to catch it. "Go up, get hit in the ribs, be out for eight weeks, we'll see in the playoffs. We need that catch." Can you hear the mentality? Expect much of yourself and little from others and give your best to make them successful, make it easy for them.

Jeff K:
Boy, what if husbands were like that with their wife? What if wives were like that with their husband? All husbands really need is a little bit of respect. Deep down, we're little boys that are just crying out to know, do we have what it takes? Do we measure up? Are we a man? Are we a good man? And we can handle correction and all sorts of things, but we can't handle it when we don't feel respected.

Warwick F:
It's so true.

Jeff K:
Meanwhile, poor wives. We husbands, we work our butt off, we buy a nice house, we get them the car they want, we get the kids into the school they want, we mow the lawn, we do all this stuff, we tell them we provide for them, but guess what? We don't talk to them, we don't share our feelings, we don't open up, we don't ask them questions, we don't stop and pray for them, we don't take them on dates anymore. We take them for granted. We don't cherish them, we don't tell them they're beautiful anymore, we don't apologize to them when we hurt their feelings. Basically, we're not loving them. And I'll tell you what, a woman, her currency is love, and a man's currency is respect.

Jeff K:
So, I'm talking about being a relationship investor. In football, you have to picture quarterbacks serving receivers, receivers serving quarterbacks, in marriage, husbands serving wives, wives serving husbands, in business, CEOs serving the team and the team serving one another, and then serving clients. If we had this invest in others... There's a great message that is in the Bible, the book of Philippians, which is a letter Paul wrote to a small church in the city of Philippi said, "Don't do anything out of selfish ambition, or vain conceit." That basically means don't do anything out of selfishness or pride. Well, now that rules a lot of things out for you and me, doesn't it?

Warwick F:
It does.

Jeff K:
But in humility, an attitude of humility, consider other people more important than yourself, and don't just look out for your interest, look out for their interests. It's basically saying, don't be a consumer, always worried about yourself, be an investor. Bless them, encourage them, give them the truth, be kind, prefer their preference over your own, apologize first, forgive first. This is investing. This is relationship investing. And so those three strategies, they'll change your life and they'll change the world. One, take a long term view. And I recommend you include God in it because he started you, and it's just not wise to ignore someone who is unbelievably perfect, loving and good, even though this world is jacked up. The reason it's jacked up is because we ran away from God.

Jeff K:
Number two. Be willing to change because you're humble enough to learn and grow and try something different. And number three. Why don't you try copying the greatest man that ever lived, Jesus, who didn't come to be served, but to serve. And be an investor in your spouse, your son, your rebellious teenage daughter, your estranged brother, your boss, who's a jerk, tough. Invest in him and the relationship, your employees, your team.

Warwick F:
Well, there's so many profound things there I want to talk for a minute about what you're doing now, but just in terms of transitioning to that, I want the listeners to hear there're so many profound things you said, this concept of being an investor and not a consumer. And that's a great analogy with, say, with a quarterback running to this one foot window, and receivers, if he can touch it, probably if he can kind of smell it, hear it.

Jeff K:
If anyone's close, you got to get it.

Warwick F:
Right. If it's within a 10 yard radius or something, at the risk of hyperbole, that idea of just investing in others and being willing to change. So true. Just as we transition to what you're doing now, obviously, growing up, you had one model of what it is to be a great person, your dad, politics, reaching across the aisle to people of all backgrounds, all races, all pro quarterback, incredible human being.

Jeff K:
And my mom. My mom is the unsung hero in the family. Joanne Kemp, if we show the tombstone for her, it just says, "The power of the personal." She was always personal. Relationships meant everything to her. Go ahead. I didn't mean to cut your...

Warwick F:
No, no, it's all good. But you obviously had to be willing to change. There was a point in your life, you said, "Okay, I'm probably not going to be an all pro quarterback, maybe I don't want to be a politician, or a senator, or president." Somehow you had to be willing to change from not just living your father's vision, or in my case, John Fairfax's vision, the founder. So, talk about how did you shift from kind of the football, living up to your dad's vision, to finding your own vision? Because a lot of people are trying to live other people's visions and not their own, in fact, their God given vision, from our perspective. How did you make that shift and how did that lead you to what you're doing now?

Jeff K:
Boy, I'll give a little bit of story, but the principle that I'd like people to go away with is, you know what, if you really want your ideal purpose, and vision, and mission, and calling, and role, go consult the owner's manual and talk to God, let him define it for you. The culture is jacked up, your ego is jacked up, sometimes your advisors are jacked up, as you found out. So, go on a journey spiritually and ask the Father, your Father, what he thinks.

Jeff K:
But here's how it happened for me. The off seasons had a fair amount of open time because I wasn't getting invited to all the most high profile celebrity golf tournaments like the starting quarterbacks, so I wanted to use the off season to serve in the community. And I was on a board of directors of something called Pro Athletes Outreach. I learned how to be on an executive committee, how to be on a board, I learned about budgets, I learned about strategy, I cared about ministry. We gave money to Christian charities and we learned about some of the work that they did, Focus On The Family was one of them, Family Life was another. And we did stuff in our home to help others. Okay?

Jeff K:
So, all of that gave me a vision for helping others, and I loved working in the inner city with kids. And I realized that I can't save the world, and I can't even save that many kids, but maybe I can impact the family that will impact the kid. So, that's kind of why I had a vision to go upstream and strengthen marriage and fatherhood, because that can touch a lot of kids. And I'd like to prevent problems more so than just being the band aid, which is not a fair way to say what loving kids is all about. That's not just a band aid, but you know what I mean? You got to prevent the breakup of the family, not just trying to pick up the pieces. So, that was in my head.

Jeff K:
But in '92, right after my really good year with the Eagles, and I signed a big contract, thought I was going to extend my career for a few years. I was the last guy cut, came home, no one signed me around the league for four weeks, and I was pretty upset. My prayers weren't being answered, that I get a new team. And when the Seahawks had a quarterback get hurt, and I called the coach to say, "I'm in town, please sign me." I was sure this was the answer to my prayer, he left a message and said, "Sorry, we're going to sign someone else. Good luck." Click.

Jeff K:
And I went out to the front door, and despite all this faith and maturity that I've been telling you about, I slammed the door, sat on my front step on my nice home in America, Redmond, Washington, and I started having a pity party. And I said, "This isn't fair. This isn't right. God, this stinks. I'm not going to pray. I'm just going to sit here and feel the stinking pain." And I did, I started feeling the pain. "This isn't fair. Why am I getting rejected, cut, after I've served well and been a good teammate? I just want to finish positively."

Jeff K:
Well, my wife came out, Stacy, and we'd been married 10 years by that point, and she said, "Oh, Jeff, I can't imagine how much this hurts. And I just want to encourage you, we've been through tough things, and God's always been there, he's always cared for us, he's always had a good purpose come out of it." She kind of articulated this principle. And I said, "I know that," looking up at her. "I know that. Don't tell me that. I just want to finish football with some dignity." In her head, she thought maybe he needs some tough love, not the soft stuff. So, she very gently said, "As I recall, when Jesus Christ walked this earth and he left, he didn't get any dignity. Maybe you need to let go that desire." Wow, that was like a barb into my heart.

Warwick F:
Oh, my gosh.

Jeff K:
And I looked at her in all my marriage conference speaking maturity as a husband, and I said, "Maybe you need to go inside." She went inside, left me alone. And then I think it was God that started speaking to me, and I had the worst moment of my life... This is prior to my dad's cancer and losing him, prior to a nonprofit that I ran, getting so behind in money that I had to fire myself, those two things hurt. But this was the worst crisis blitz I'd ever had, losing my career at age 32, and having the bottom dropout, realizing more of my identity was wrapped up in it than I'd ever thought.

Jeff K:
So, in a matter of seconds, I thought about what she said about Jesus, and I started realize, "Oh my gosh, what unbelievable, unconditional, courageous love he's shown for me. He forgave all my sin, he adopted me, he said I can go to heaven paradise forever, and he's given me this great wife, except for what she just said, and these three healthy kids. 11 years of pro football, I didn't deserve any of this. I was a free agent out of Dartmouth, I was a 50 to one odds guy. I am whining, wanting more? What a schmuck I am. Most of all, God loves me, and I'm his son." And I started to cry tears of gratitude and joy, and the worst moment of my life became the best spiritual moment.

Jeff K:
And here's what I get to the answer to your question. I heard, in my thoughts, in my heart, these words that were penned somewhere by the Apostle Paul, "Forget what lies behind and press onto what lies ahead."

Warwick F:
One of my favorite verses.

Jeff K:
And right there, "Oh, my gosh, football was great. It was a gift, use it as a platform, but step out of that and go into strengthening fatherhood, marriage, and families." And that's when I began my career search. I thought about corporate speaking, motivational training, a couple different things, but it was pretty clear that this calling to strengthen families was key in my life, and that's what I started doing right away. And it's only morphed into focusing more and more on men, and husbands, and then leaders who can shape the team and the culture as a way to reach the next generation, because that's kind of where my stories fit well, with leaders and with men. And then my wife and I do marriage conferences.

Warwick F:
That's awesome. Well, you have a very clear vision, a clear mission. I know your dad's been gone quite a long time now. Let's assume he's up in heaven, I think we both believe he is.

Jeff K:
Yeah. Well, you know what, he got cancer late in life, and cancer had a blessing in that it finally brought him to his knees and slowed him down and made him realize that the forgiveness of Jesus and the grace of Jesus can cover anything you ever do wrong. And I don't think he ever really understood that before. It was more metaphysical, more of a belief.

Warwick F:
I understand.

Jeff K:
More of a church thing. He could say it but he didn't feel it in his heart, and I think cancer was used by God as a blitz, to draw my dad into that personal relationship. So, I know that he's with God, with Jesus, in heaven.

Warwick F:
As he's looking down at you and your life of what you've done and what you're doing now for marriages, and men, and kids, what do you think he would say about your vision and how you're seeking to live his construct of LIFT, of life is for transformation? What do you think he would say about the man you are now and what you're doing in your ministry and all?

Jeff K:
Well, my dad did a good job with Jennifer, and Judith, and Jimmy and I of showing his pride, showing his love, kissing us, affection, hugs, approval, he bragged about us and tell all sorts of stories in his speeches about his kids, but I know that he was particularly pleased at our faith, and particularly pleased at my marriage and my fathering, and I think he was really proud.

Jeff K:
And he was a financial investor in our nonprofit work to strengthen families, and so he believed in it, but I think, with all the new insight he has up in heaven, he'd probably say, "You were a really good Kemp, but way more importantly, I think you understood that you were a child and a son of the king, and the perfect father, and you've really been a good ambassador for him. And I'm proud of that, and more importantly, God's proud of that. And I really am thankful for the fact that you let God get a hold of your life, and you let him use you to show others that God is love, that family is important, that marriage matters, and that men should be humble servants, not cocky performers."

Jeff K:
So, dad would be very happy, very proud, very complimentary. We've had our little debates and stuff, sometimes he thinks I'm too intense, which is funny, because he was pretty intense.

Warwick F:
Now, that's funny.

Jeff K:
Yeah, it was funny. But I can't wait to be with my dad again. That's going to be awesome.

Warwick F:
Well, that's great. I mean, and as we kind of wrap up here, for me, my dad was a bit more... I have more of an evangelical faith, his faith was a bit more ecumenical. But when I look at him, certainly, the founder of the company, John Fairfax, I didn't do the whole newspaper business deal, it wasn't my vision, but in terms of how he lead his life as a father, as a husband, the way he treated other people, those elements, yeah, I mean, to the degree I can, I want to emulate that, and I know you're the same way.

Warwick F:
So, we don't have to copy the vision of our fathers or ancestors, but those who are believers, there are certain things we can copy, how they treat people, how they treat their wives, and kids, and that's really what it's all about, not how much you achieve, or your bank account, or how many books you sell, or how many people listen to your speeches. I mean, that's all like dust compared to what's really important. So yeah, it's always good to remember.

Jeff K:
Mother Teresa said that her definition of success is being faithful.

Warwick F:
Yeah, absolutely.

Jeff K:
Faithful means you take the gifts that God gives you and you steward them as if they belong to him and you're just taking great care of them. And sometimes we're supposed to multiply them and let things get really big, but we're never supposed to do it in a way that skips over the relationship of the soul and person you're talking to at the moment. So, if your business is pulling you away from your marriage and your kids, you're not being faithful. And if your ministry, Mr. Pastor or Mr. Churchy Guy, is taking you away from humility, and loving your wife and your kids, or your spouse, that isn't necessarily being faithful. So, I don't need to be a superstar.

Warwick F:
No. It comes back to what you said earlier is, is where is your identity? Is it in how many touchdowns you're scoring, or where you are in your career, your bank account, or even in the world of church, how big your church is? Is it in what you believe for us, our faith in Christ or others that maybe some other belief system but is your identity and what you hold most dear in life, or is it about achievement? Success and achievement is okay, but you don't want to worship it.

Jeff K:
Oh, that's the point. Yeah. Don't let anything, even good things, get in the way of loving God. And I like the phrase, let's live from our identity, which we receive from God and relationships, rather than living for our identity to try to earn it. That's a losing equation. We can look at all Hollywood, and athlete, and famous business people, celebrities, it doesn't worked out for them.

Warwick F:
That's the path to misery, not happiness. We don't want to go there.

Gary S:
This is the time in the show that I normally say it's time to land the plane. I've been waiting all episode to say, "No, it's not time to land the plane, it's the two minute warning." And I will be guilty of throwing an interception before the two minute warning, Jeff, if I did not give you the chance to tell our listeners how they can find out more about you and about the Jeff Kemp Group.

Jeff K:
Okay, thanks. First, let me say thank you to you, Gary, great job, and Warwick, and this concept of Crucible Leadership, I agree with it 100%, we're on the same page, and you're using your story and humility, and you're lifting others, and I'm a believer.

Jeff K:
Jeff Kemp Team is my platform for public speaking, men speaking, particularly conferences and retreats, where I bring faith and identity and purpose in relationships, front and foremost, and then I do CEO soul coaching. I call it soul coaching, it's not just executive coaching, it's not just mentoring, it'll touch on strategy, it'll touch on team building, it may go very deep in those areas, and I have some experience to draw upon, but it's going to start with your identity, your soul, your relationships, both vertical relationships and horizontal relationships. And then it's going to address how do you receive guidance when everyone's saying you're the boss? Are you humble enough to get guidance from God and from others? Do you have friends? Are you protected or have you moved too far to where you're isolated like many leaders become?

Jeff K:
Isolation has been America's problem, and in some cases, COVID has made it worse. So, Jeff Kemp Team is basically speaking, messaging, conferences, I put in some of my own men's retreats, but the real core is the CEO soul coaching.

Gary S:
And how do they find you online?

Jeff K:
Just go to the website, jeffkempteam.com, jeffkempteam.com, and there's a book site called facingtheblitz.com. That's really the place. My phone number is even on there. I believe in relationship. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they can give me a call or send me an email.

Gary S:
Awesome. Well, Warwick, any final question for Jeff?

Warwick F:
Maybe observation. I just love what you're doing, Jeff, Facing The Blitz. I mean, we may use different terms, but there was something that you wrote here that was... it says similar to what we talked about on Crucible Leadership. You write, "The blitz is not the end of the story, it's only the catalyst to a greater one." I mean, we use almost the same words. "The crucible is not the end of the story," as Gary will probably say here in a bit. Exactly. So, wait a minute or two, and you'll hear it, but now I just love how you forged your own path coming from a famous father, and you've got your own mission, your own vision that's yours, and you've got your identity and a higher purpose, a higher cause in the Lord.

Warwick F:
And so, yeah, I just love what you do, and your book and so much of what you wrote resonated just humbly talking about it. So many things in there makes so much sense. But you're right, as you're humble and vulnerable about what you've been through, you allow other people, and especially men who seem to have a particularly difficult time about being vulnerable and perhaps humble, you allow them to walk into that space, so you lead by example, which is what leaders do. So, I love your book and what your ministry is doing, and so yeah, it's just an honor just to chat with you and hear about it. So, thank you.

Jeff K:
My exhortation to all our listeners, women and men, and men particularly is, friendship is a wonderful thing. Don't get too busy for friendship. Secondly. You know shouldn't go along, but few of us build a team to go through life as a team. You cannot beat blitzes alone, you can't get through the crucible alone. So, you got to build your team ahead of time. I call it a huddle, Warwick. I have two best friends, and we meet every week, and we drop our guard, disclose what's going on in our life, talk about the most important thing, we admit and confess the areas where we blew it, our mistakes, our weaknesses, our sins, and then we're set free from that. And then we pray for each other, and we support each other, and we champion each other.

Jeff K:
I actually have two groups like that, one that does it by Zoom with some guys across the country, and one that does it right here in Little Rock where I live. And I enjoy friendship, and I enjoy the huddle, and I enjoy teamwork. And I would encourage everyone, build a team in your life. Maybe get a mentor, but get two or three closest friends who you can drop your guard and be real with and process your crucible, process your blitz with them and you'll be set free from the isolation, secrecy, and the shame that a lot of people live in.

Gary S:
Well, I have been in the communications business long enough to know that the clock now reads 000. That was the last word right there. Let me end, though, for the listener with three takeaways, I think, that this discussion between Jeff and Warwick has brought. Number one, is your identity is not in your accomplishments, it is not in your job title, it's not in your family history. And we've talked here today to men whose fathers were known as Mr. Secretary and Sir Warwick. It's not in your popularity or your image either, your identity. Learn the lessons of your crucible, be honest and humble enough to acknowledge where you may have gone wrong, then get up from your blitz and press on. That's point one.

Gary S:
Point two. Think of life as an opportunity to LIFT. Life is for transformation, from proud to humble, as Jeff said, from selfish to humble, from immaturity to maturity, from not so good to better. Lean into the LIFT.

Gary S:
And finally, number three. Focus on others, bless them, be an investor in relationships. Live life on purpose with your eyes, not on yourself. That is, let's mash up the language of both our host and our guest today by that is a playbook that leads to significance. Thank you for spending time with us on Beyond The Crucible, listener. Warwick and I have a little favor to ask you. Please do click subscribe on the podcast app on which you're listening right now. That will ensure that you don't miss any episodes like this fascinating conversation we had with Jeff Kemp today, it will also help us make sure that other people get access to interviews like this.

Gary S:
And until the next time we're together, do remember what we've talked about for the last hour. Do remember this truth, that your crucible is not the end of your story, your blitz is not something you can't get up from. They both can be the starting point to a new chapter in your life, to a better chapter in your life, to a more fulfilling chapter in your life, because bouncing back from your crucible and getting up and moving beyond your blitz is a path that leads to a life of significance.

Life, Dom Brightmon freely admits, can be crappy sometimes. But each of us has the power to flip the switch to “happy” — the key is to view our crucible experiences as crystal experiences. Through books (like CRAPPY TO HAPPY), public speaking, and working with men and women going through setbacks and failures, Brightmon (a member of the John Maxwell-certified leadership team) is both a teacher and practitioner of the truth that when you advance others, you advance yourself.

To learn more about Dom Brightmon, visit www.DomBrightmon.com

Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.

Have a question or comment? Drop us a line at info@beyondthecrucible.com

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👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/

Transcript

Warwick F:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.

Dom B:
... until you go inside, you never know what's really going on until you get a closer, deeper look into what's really going on and I feel like that's really what we all need to keep in mind and life and heck even when it comes to crucible moments of, hey, at first, a gift may be wrapped up in adversity. It may be wrapped up in barbed wire with a pink rubber duck just taunting you saying, hey, you sure you want to open me buddy? I'm going to... and it's just taunting you. Taunt like macho man, Randy Savage, a professional wrestler like, "Hey buddy, I know you want to succeed, but you got to open up this barbed wire and it's going to hurt your hands first."

Gary S:
Well, those are definitely some words of wisdom from today's guest, Dom Brightmon, who speaks with us today about how to... yeah, I'm going to say it. I'm going to dare to say it. Dom discusses with us how to wrestle with our crucible experiences. Dom offers a unique and energetic and insightful perspective on how to move beyond our crucibles. He is a certified member of the John Maxwell leadership team and the author of two and a quarter books. His first book is Going North!: Tips & Techniques to Advance Yourself. His followup was Stay The Course: The Elite Performer's 7 Secret Keys to Sustainable Success, and just out this fall is a chapter he's written in a compilation book and if this isn't a crucible leadership title, I don't know what is. This is perfect for Beyond The Crucible. He has written a chapter for a book that just came out called Crappy to Happy: Sacred Stories of Transformational Joy.

Gary S:
I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the podcast and I'm going to turn you loose here for Dom and Warwick to have a conversation, but before I do I want you to grab a pen or a pencil and some paper because Dom's got some wisdom that he drops in this episode. He's a motivational speaker who talks about these things across the country or at least across Zoom as we sort of face the pandemic that we're facing right now, but here's just one of the things that Dom says in the episode that you're going to want to write down. I'll give you a headstart and that is this, your adversity can be your advantage. Let's hear Dom Brightmon and Warwick unpack that for us right now.

Warwick F:
Well, thanks so much and Dom really appreciate you coming on the podcast and yeah. I'd love to hear more here in a bit about your book Going North and your podcast on that and just how you help coach folks. Before we get into that, tell us a bit about Dom Brightmon and kind of how you grew up. I understand you're in Baltimore, I'm a few miles down the road in Annapolis, Maryland. Same state, home of, I guess, the Maryland Terrapins. If you're not from Maryland, you probably have no idea what a terrapin is. I think it's some kind of snappy turtle from what I understand.

Warwick F:
Fear the Turtle, I don't know why you're meant to fear a turtle, but if you're in Maryland I guess you're meant to tell people, be afraid of the turtle. There we go, a little Maryland deal there. Tell us about yourself just growing up here and Baltimore area and yeah, your family and all that.

Dom B:
Sure thing. Well, first off, I like to say never hesitate to show gratitude. Thank you both team George Washington, Mr. Gary, and Warwick yourself for allowing me to be able to share this time with you. This is amazing. Outside of the intro, like my aim it to advance others to advance myself because I believe in coaching and empower others to share their stories, their motivational teaching and book casting because with motivational teaching as opposed to motivational speaking, you get to leave people with tangible tips and techniques they can walk out with, along with their motivation instead of being motivated to run through a brick wall and then they're wondering to themselves, okay, why am I charging for this brick wall here? Why am I doing this? And really just giving them something tangible to walk away with. That's a little bit about me, at least the short version of it.

Warwick F:
Yeah, no, that's great. Tell us about your family. You grew up in Baltimore. Who was like a young Dom? What were you like as a kid in elementary school and all?

Dom B:
Oh yeah. Young Dom, pretty much a quiet kid funny enough. Went to grade school. Probably most of my time, if it wasn't at home or playing with my friends, it was most likely in school or possibly church, because I think it was about two weeks old, got christened in the church and I was basically raised in the church from a whole life because my father, he was a spiritual man even though he still had short backs, like we all do. We're all human. No, one's perfect and all that good stuff.

Dom B:
He took me to Sunday school every morning. Basically from 8:30 to around good 2:30 PM every Sunday. I'd basically be in a church, Sunday school service and then of course as a black Baptist church so you know the pastor is going to say I'm going to close and then he's got another hour to go.

Gary S:
Yeah. It reminds me of a joke. What does it mean when a pastor looks at his watch? Nothing.

Warwick F:
Exactly. When you listen to your dad and say, I'm going to close, it's like "Dad, come on. I mean, for once, can you actually mean it?" I mean, you ever kid him about that? It's like, why do you say that?

Dom B:
Oh, well, that's the good thing. He was the preacher himself. Funny enough, he joked around when he was a kid because funny enough, my grandfather was a preacher and when it was time to pray around the family room, and they would do prayers, they would pray all night. Even as a kid, he'd be like, "Hey, can we pray one prayer please? Just one." And all the grownups just laughed at him because he was so right. I'm pretty sure God gets the point.

Warwick F:
As you were growing up with this kind of heritage, was it ever like... Well, Dom it's pretty clear what the Lord will have for you. We've had two generations of preachers. Really the question is what kind of preaching do you want to do? What kind of church, I mean, was ever that expectation that you'd absolutely go into the... I don't know about family business, but family heritage and all?

Dom B:
No. Well, let me clarify the generational preaching part. My grandfather was a preacher, but my father wasn't.

Warwick F:
Okay.

Dom B:
He actually spent time in the military. He actually served in World War II, funny enough, and the Korean War in the 82nd Airborne Division as a paratrooper.

Warwick F:
Oh wow.

Dom B:
He actually spent time in the service in terms of service for the country in addition to being a spiritual man. For me the preaching like, folks have been... probably like 95% of people probably think I'm a preacher right now and I don't even try to come across that way especially becasue like, "Hey, you look like that preacher on TV. Hey, make sure to share the tithe money and bless up some other people." I'm like, "What? I don't have a title. I just got slacks and a shirt."

Warwick F:
That's funny, but it's kind of probably in the blood. I understand that one of the things you did growing up is you spent time in the library like a summer internship which turned out to be, I don't know, somewhat of a key part of your journey. Talk about why the library? Because from what I understand, you weren't really into reading books. How did that all happen?

Dom B:
Oh, yeah, it was funny back then too, because back then I wasn't really into reading books because with grade school they gave you books that you don't want to read. They'll put you straight to sleep. Funny enough, remember back in 11th grade reading a book over the summer for a book project and after page two, I fell straight asleep and then I came too at 10:00 PM, a few hours later, like oh, whoops. That was the same year that it kind of brings back to the part of me being a quiet kid. My mom knew I was a quiet kid and she wanted me to get some work experience as quickly as possible, at least give myself an advantage.

Dom B:
Out of nowhere, like a spirit told her like, "Hey, why don't you to see if you can get Dom a job at the library?" She called the HR office. They had an opportunity available. I worked there as a summer youth intern in the summer of my 11th grade year, and those three months were interesting. Even got paid for, is a paid internship, and my work was good enough and they liked me enough to bring me back on as a part-time employee when I turned 16, when it was actually legal to do so. Just doing that, and I was surprised because I was still the quiet kid. I haven't really gotten to the part where I can be one of those ambiverts, the extroverted introvert, was able to be a social butterfly but still recharges when he's not around people.

Dom B:
Just that summer youth internship, being able to be liked well enough to be brought back because I was always the kid who would always do his work. Funny enough, like even my humor was developing at the time because my first time there, the supervisor's like, so do you come to the library a lot? And I was like, yeah, I do. I come here twice a year and everybody just burst out laughing. So yeah, reading wasn't my thing and libraries weren't my thing and I thought that was a lot. It's like I got two big projects a year. I come here to take the books out and check them back in. As the years gone by, I realize, "Oh, people come here every day. Every day." It's a community resource and one guy says he's a security guard. He's like, "I see people here more often than I see my wife."

Male:
Wow.

Dom B:
That's how much people still use local libraries these days and that really experience just being around those wonderful folks with diverse backgrounds helped me to realize, you know what? I can learn to deal with people with different generations, different nationalities. Like with a lot of our work that in particular, there's a little part where Storyville was for kids birth to five, where you get them ready for kindergarten, then they have a stream space and then for the teenagers, it was next door to high school.

Dom B:
One hundredths of 300 teens would come to the building after school, a good 2:30 PM in the middle of the day and then of course they get senior citizens, especially years ago when e-readers were getting extra big back then before smartphones got bigger. They just needed help using their tools they got for Christmas and heck even helping folks find employment. Libraries are more than books and I had to learn that after working there for a few years and going in, because I thought like, "Oh, just go to the card catalog, pick up a book." Like, no, it's actually bigger than that. It's a community resource because, especially nowadays where people don't all have reliable Wi-Fi and they go to parking lots of library, especially in the Baltimore County area-

Male:
Sure.

Dom B:
... to use the Wi-Fi during the whole pandemic things. That really lets me broadening my mind. It's kind of like the whole outside looking in thing until you go inside. You never know what's really going on until you get a closer, deeper look into what's really going on, and I feel like that's really what we all need to keep in mind in life and that even when it comes to crucible moments of, hey, at first a gift may be wrapped up in adversity. It may be wrapped up in barbed wire with a pink rubber duck just taunting you saying, "Hey, you sure you one open me buddy? I'm going to... and it's just taunting you. Taunt like macho man, Randy Savage, a professional wrestler like, "Hey buddy, I know you want to succeed, but you got to open up this barbed wire and it's going to hurt your hands first."

Dom B:
It's kind of like that thing, so yeah, it's been really just that going forward, just taking a deeper look and realizing that there's a gift in every adverse and there's a gift when you look deeper into certain situations and environments.

Warwick F:
Sounded like that library opened up a whole window to the world, which obviously vicariously you can have an idea of what's going on in the world in books, but just your community and different age groups, different people's challenges and you're helping them, your work ethic. You're finding... I'm getting things done. Dom's responsible. You finding a sense of humor. You don't always think of the library as being a key part of the journey, but it seemed like it was for you all the ways you just described, which is amazing.

Warwick F:
I know from... Understand that you've had a couple of crucibles, I think you almost had a car accident when you were 21. Now, a lot of people when they're young, they have car accidents. It's not that uncommon, but somehow for you, this was a bit of a transition point for you. Talk about why that was the transition point.

Dom B:
Yeah, the wonderful TP that we all need in life, a transition.

Warwick F:
The blessing of a transition point or... is the gift wrapped in barbed wire, that kind of thing. Oh please. Thank you so much.

Dom B:
Exactly, but yeah it was just... Yeah, it was one heck of a transitional point because really that day I was expecting just to go to class and then celebrate with some family, some friends later on in the day, not expecting to fricking wreck my car making a left turn no less and blocking up traffic for good. Man, my God, it was a good 90 minutes.

Warwick F:
Wow.

Dom B:
And having to call two, it was two different tow trucks actually. Because I called AAA first after the accident and then they were on their way and then while the traffic was being backed up, a police officer drove passed and he noticed something was going on. He called his guy since the AAA guy didn't show up and both tow trucks showed up at the same time and I was like, okay, I guess I got the insurance for this when you can call up your guy and then when the AAA guy came to tow my car, he was like, "Oh this truck isn't built for this kind of situation." Because my wheel was detached from one side of my car and then it was so darn plotted sit on the ground, that it was hard to drag it onto the truck with his tools that he had.

Dom B:
All of a sudden they call back the other tow truck and that just made it even longer and just really long story short, that really helped me to realize like, hey, I got to really shape up here because... I told my mom about it. She's still in the Maryland area and still lived with them at the time when this accident happened. She was the other person I called when the first people called after trying to get the car towed away. I was still a little shell shocked from the whole situation. I was like, God, darn I can't believe I fricking crashed my car like this. I'm not going to be able to drive it again. How the heck am I going to continue? Class like this, might take the bus or something.

Dom B:
This was the year where was the penultimate semester was the second to last semester before I got an IT degree at the school. I was so close to the finish line, and that's the other thing about the moment. It's like when you're so close to that goal, there's always going to be that one final test that really stands-

Warwick F:
Right.

Dom B:
... out to really make sure to test you to see if you really want to finish. If you want to be an uncommon finisher, you're going to have to find your uncommon strength that was lying deep within all of us to really push beyond that moment. Sometimes it even requires the help of another person. Like my mom says like, "Hey, you've come too far to quit. God's got big plans for you because you're still alive." Because I walked out no injuries from that situation, and she say, "Hey, you can do it."

Warwick F:
How did that change your perspective on life? I mean, what about that was a turning point?

Dom B:
What made it a turning point is the fact that one is the first time that something like that really happened to me on that large scale. Like the closest thing that could really take place for that moment really had pretty much an easy childhood for the most part with the parents and everything and that was really something that just came flying out of nowhere. What made it really a turning point was the fact that that was actually a month after my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

Dom B:
That was what really happened, is the fact that it was just really another hit to the face, where it's like, okay, I'm seeing my hero decay. I can't even drive my car anymore. Like am I going to be able to get to class and finish this darn degree? And then heck even a couple of weeks after that being called in, went in a meeting with my boss at the time and telling me like, "Hey, you got to shape up here." Because she didn't know what was going on. I like to keep the personal and the professional life separate.

Dom B:
I never told anyone about it until of course the books came out, but that's all in the story and just realize that you know what? These three things realize, you know what? Something needs to change here. Something needs to change. Looking back at that meeting with the boss, yeah she yelled at me but at the same time, she also said that folks are going to be looking to me as a leader because she was having some new hires come in at the time since it was the new school year, and I looked up the leadership section of the library where I picked up a book by John Maxwell.

Dom B:
It helped me to really change my life and find personal and professional development to become a voracious reader again. It actually changed my perspective and realized, you know what? The car accident was a wake up call. My father falling, yeah that was a wake up call to basically make sure I take better care of him and always be grateful for him, and really a wake up call to take it up to the next level and realize that you can't really go through a life on a plain meadow, like an open land.

Dom B:
There's going to be some valley moments. There's going to be some mountains you have to climb. You have to go uphill. Sometimes you have to go back downhill and metaphorically unlearn some things like the love for reading. That was something I unlearned through grade school, but I relearned after having those moments come crashing down on me forcing me to do something different. Sometimes it just takes moments like that to help you realize you know what? Something needs to change me. Those people to remind us like, "Hey, your adversity can be your advantage."

Warwick F:
It almost seems like you had a renewed sense of purpose. You kind of rolling through life doing okay. Life wasn't terrible after that point, but somehow the combination of the accident, your dad's Alzheimer's, the conversation with your boss. Somehow did it feel that sense of, I need more of a purpose, more of a direction, or rather than just kind of flowing through life or with something like that?

Dom B:
Oh yeah. Because one of my mentors liked to say, don't go with the flow because dead fish go with the flow.

Gary S:
Wisdom.

Warwick F:
Right. Okay. Good to know. Somebody says Dom, just go with the flow. He says, no, no. No, no. I don't go with the flow.

Warwick F:
Don't do that.

Dom B:
Exactly. Because I don't want to be in the frying pan later.

Warwick F:
Exactly. It's amazing that you didn't have much of a love for reading, but then reading self-development John Maxwell, that kind of fueled, that next direction... I want to ask about that, but I'm curious, you said... well, obviously when your dad gets a diagnosis of Alzheimer's, it just feels like this slow death sentence when the person who they were begins to evaporate before your eyes, which is obviously crushing. Talk about why he was your hero, because not everybody says their dad or their mom for that matter is their hero. Why did you see your dad as your hero?

Dom B:
A powerful question. Powerful question. Yeah, like I said earlier, like this first time someone actually asked me that. I'm blessed to say that my dad was one of my heroes in life because the whole spiritual foundation, always taking me to church every Sunday school and helped me to get that biblical foundation, and the fact that... he actually had gray hair all of my life. Like I've never seen... I've seen him with number... gray beard, gray hair on his head. What really made him my hero is that he always made sure that when it came time to pick me up from school, he would always be on time and show up early.

Dom B:
One time when he fell asleep preparing dinner for the family later, he apologized to me because he showed up five minutes late one day, and I'm like, it didn't matter to me because I was still grateful to have a ride home from school and all that other good stuff. He felt bad that he was late for picking me up and even more importantly, even though he was in his early 80s, he was still volunteering at the church during the daytime to keep himself active because we would have a Maryland food... We would be sponsored by the Maryland Food Bank. That was one of our resources, it could be a soup kitchen at the church I attend.

Dom B:
We would get food from there. Since the church doesn't have too many young folks available during the daytime, the trustees, he was a trustee of the church. He would help lift those heavy boxes. And mind you, he was around a good 83, 85 still doing this. One time we're having a conversation on the way back home from class, and I was like, "Hey, so Dave, why are you still working as hard as you do when you could probably let somebody else do it?" You've worked all your life. You had two combat jumps in World War II. You served the country. You were a bus driver for 35 years and dealt with all that stress of dealing with all that, and you could just really rest and enjoy yourself because... like he retired, I think was like '95 and it was around a good... my goodness, think it was probably a good 10 plus years past retirement where a lot of his friends died a couple of days after they retired and he's lived a whole decade plus after it.

Dom B:
I'm like, why don't you enjoy yourself? And he's like, "Hey, I'm enjoying myself still because God's given me life and it would be a disservice to not use my time here, my life to help other people." This is a guy at 85 saying that and I'm like, wow. Just that really just... really made him my hero in life because he was there for me, always gave me some foundational principles and heck even the humor side where he sometimes will be so soft-spoken and quiet and everything enjoying himself and at sometimes when he gets around other buddies, he'll bust out a random joke and have the whole group of guys laughing and I got to see some of his other side too and really just seeing the fact that parts of my life were emulated from him consciously and subconsciously and I didn't even know what I wasn't aware of it at the time. That's the main reason I consider him one of my heroes.

Warwick F:
Boy, I mean, it's a privilege to have a parent like a dad like that as a man of tremendous faith. Great character. He's always there for you. Not quitting irrespective of age and lifting those boxes, involvement in church. I mean, that's a great heritage. I often think that the heritage we have is often just... if we are blessed to have a family, legacy of character and faith, and this listeners would know the guy that started the family newspaper business in Australia, 150 years before my great, great grandfather. He was an elder in his church, wonderful husband, wonderful father, employees loved him.

Warwick F:
There was that heritage of character that was spread through the generations, of a sense of service and humility. With that kind of legacy is something that is just a gift to the future generations. I should know this, but are you married with kids? I should know this, I guess. Somehow I don't know that, but I should ask you that. Do you have-

Dom B:
Oh no. No, not yet. I'm not rushing that. I'm 29.

Warwick F:
Okay. Good.

Dom B:
I'm in no rush for that right now.

Warwick F:
No worries. If and when that happens, you'll have an amazing legacy and story to tell about their grandfather and that kind of heritage. It'd be really cool. Go ahead.

Gary S:
I want to jump in here for the listeners and just sort of recap what we've just talked about, Warwick and Dom aside from living in Maryland, probably couldn't be more different in how they were brought up and they've lived their lives, but we've just heard both of them listener, talk about the importance of one of their forefathers. In Dom's case his dad, and Warwick's case his father as well as he talked here about his great, great grandfather and the importance and the power of the legacy that those individuals left in their lives and the lives that they're leading now.

Gary S:
I said at the top of the show in finishing Dom's bio, that his mantra is advance others to advance yourself. You know listener from previous episodes and following Crucible Leadership and Beyond the Crucible, Warwick talks about living a life on purpose and leaving a legacy, living a life of significance, right? Advance others to advance yourself could be the mantra of both of these men whose experiences are vastly different. One of the many things that they have in common emotionally is that they had someone who poured life into them and that's gotten them now living lives of significance.

Gary S:
I just thought that's really important for listeners to grasp, but it's not so much how much you have in common with someone, it's the things you do have in common that can propel your life forward in meaningful ways.

Warwick F:
Absolutely. I often think as people pour life into you, to use your expression, it enables you to pour life into others. Clearly your heritage, your dad has fueled what you do now. Talk a bit about how... stuff you grew up with, whether it's dad, church, things you learned in the library, how all that kind of fueled what you do with John Maxwell coaching and your book, Going North and podcast, Going North. I have a feeling there's a link between all those strands that fuels your mission and your purpose. Talk about that.

Dom B:
Ah, my pleasure indeed. It does all tie together like a patchwork quilt. Yes, indeed. The patches do a lot of work. I have to say that much because really I'm standing on the shoulders of giants. I guess in this case, sitting on the shoulders of giants, because they've like... really with the books like when you get a $25 package that someone probably took 25 plus years of their life to really put together, or maybe even shorter or longer and you get to borrow their experience and then take the meat out of it, throw out the bones and then put it to your life and apply it to your life and then apply a smaller version of it and then share with others, then you'll create a version of your own success that you want, because that's another thing too. Like it looks to me like success.

Dom B:
You can ask like five different people and you'll get five different answers. Like you read a certain book and you might get five different meanings or five different translations. Really everything that I do is because I've had great folks in my life. My father, my parents, my older brother like siblings, heck even mentors and coaches that have really inspired me to really take it to another level and really create something for myself like my podcast itself.

Dom B:
It's all about interviewing other authors to give them a platform to share their stories because we get to learn from one another from sharing our stories and we get to be inspired by hearing one another's stories especially in this era of a need of vulnerability where vulnerability has become a buzzword because people are tired of folks faking the funk like those who like to maybe put their curated feed out in social media and make people think that's their whole entire life when at the end of the day those pitches may not be a complete mirror of what's really going on.

Dom B:
People really want folks that are actually real down to earth and give it to you straight, no chaser, some may say and just compiling those stories into create concept and give people the motivation to run for a lifetime. Because it's another thing too. Like if one good person sees something good in you, you can run for a lifetime and just wanted to give that to the people because honestly, a lot of people may not know what they're doing, but if they hear someone else who is confident in not knowing what they're doing but still taking action, then that'll make it even better. Because I remember going to a Toastmasters meeting a few years ago, I think it was 2014, and met a bunch of friendly faces and they had a guest speaker at this meeting. His name was Daniel Ally. He gave this speech how to act like a leader.

Dom B:
The acronym for act was audacious, contagious and tenacious. That inspired me to really take it to another level because he also had a book called You Are the Boss! and he was only a couple of years older than me. He was 25 at the time. I was like, "Wait, this guy in his 20s is speaking around the freaking country and eventually the world and he's got a book and he's writing about the things I'm already reading about." I'm like, "I can do that too." And I became an author a couple of years later because someone else's action was the inspiration for me to get my butt moving even further and keep going.

Dom B:
The person listening right now, not just my stories, but the other stories in the past and heck even Warwick's powerful story and I'm sure Gary has got stories too that he hasn't even shared as much as he probably would like to yet, is the fact that we can all be inspired by another's stories no matter what level of success you have.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, that is so true. We need, I don't want to say heroes, which we need heroes. It's what we need real authentic, vulnerable people that we can learn from. It's funny. I had somebody on the podcast recently, Chris Tuff who wrote a book, The Millennial Whisperer. It's sort of a catchy title. Certainly what he's saying is millennials, which is 20 somethings to early 30s, they crave authenticity, vulnerability. They don't want just fabricated plastic politician or business people, the perfect hair, the perfect smile, all that kind of thing. They can see through inauthentic people a mile away. There's just zero tolerance and people crave in our pre-packaged world we live in, they want the real, the vulnerable, the authentic.

Warwick F:
You're sharing stories of real people. You probably don't share people who have plastic stories, I'm guessing. You share the real stuff. People who are willing to go there, authentic and we need that because yeah, I mean, you were inspired by whether it's obviously dad being proud of John Maxwell team, listening to this guy who was a couple years older than you. Gosh, if he can do it, heck I can do that. You know? I mean, my gosh. It's like this is mission possible. I can do this thing, right? What is it you love to do in what you do? If somebody said, "Okay, well, Dom, what is your purpose in all this?"

Dom B:
Yeah, my purpose, I feel like would be to help others realize that success is tangible. Success is tangible because a lot of folks, especially folks in like the lower parts of Baltimore and folks who've had rough upbringings and heck, we've all gone through some rough stuff this year, I'm sure, with everything and just helping to realize that, hey, no matter what happens, you can still push beyond these moments and create some success for yourself. Like for myself so far, a couple of books and a podcast and getting out and sharing inspirations to the other folks and not being afraid to really talk to the folks who may have tons more followers and big followers than me on my show and just learning from them. Because that's another thing too, is to learn from other people as opposed to like seeing somebody who may have like tangible success or whatever getting jealous.

Dom B:
Instead of getting jealous, find out what they did to create that because I feel like that's something that gets a lot of people in the wrong ways. Like you know what? Instead of getting jealous someone, how do they get to that point? What did they do? And try to emulate them as opposed to getting mad and trying to complain about them, and then on your end, you may feel like, yeah, I'm telling the world how bad this person is. Like, yeah, they're selling you a bill of goods of nothing. At the end of the day, you're actually really helping them to get their message out there even more because haters make you greater, like a hater maybe somebody who may see somebody who may be doing something and they may not like it and then we actually check out the person they're spewing the hate about. You may think, hey, this person ain't that bad, I actually like what they have to say.

Dom B:
I'm just going to keep following them and seeing what they're doing, so really just helping folks to realize that success is tangible. Like if you want to publish a book and join what I like to call the business of immortality, creating a piece of yourself that'll be here long after you're gone, then that can happen. Even though times are rough, this is still one of the best times to be alive in because there's access to so many things to really help you create something that you may have been wanting to create for a long time.

Dom B:
Heck even one lady in a book club yesterday mentioned how she said, thank God for COVID. She's like, I'm sorry for the lives that have been lost and counting during this whole situation but my faith has never been stronger. I've never had this much time to actually get more work done, to be quiet with myself more often because before COVID a lot of people are running and gunning and they may have forgotten why they're running and gunning for. Like really just that sound to really be still and seeing that moment going beyond the crucible in a way and realize that, hey, this crucible moment can be a crystal moment.

Gary S:
Ooh. I like that.

Warwick F:
Wow.

Gary S:
I like that.

Warwick F:
That is cool. I mean, you've said a lot of powerful things there. I mean, you give people hope, you inspire people. It's funny. We talk about crucible moments. Some people say, what do you mean crucible moment, it's a crucible life. I've only ever known crucible, fire, brimstone, pain. It's like a drop of grace of that cool water in the furnace. That would be a dream, but right now my life is a cauldron in the furnace and that's sadly real for people, too many people and it is easy to get bitter and angry and hate.

Warwick F:
You have to ask yourself, how much does hate really serve you? Does it help you? Does it really serve you? Sometimes it's one of the things we talk about and it's funny, people in the business world don't talk a lot about forgiveness, but sometimes it's like forgiveness is different than acceptance. Something may have been done to you and it's wrong. It's unjustifiable. Sometimes it's pretty difficult to change in terms of the macro picture. We can't change a lot of the structural systemic things that unfortunately are in life and have been for, well, probably thousands of years.

Warwick F:
Forgiving doesn't mean accepting, but it's like, okay, I may not like it but I'm not going to let this pull me down. Because bitterness stops you achieving your dreams. It's like, okay. Just because you're not angry and forgive and not bitter, it doesn't mean you agree or accept. It's fun... Sometimes you think if I forgive, then I'm condoning. Forgiving and condoning are different, but does that make sense? Like living a life of hate and bitterness even if it's understandable or justifiable, how does that really help you? How does that help you advance? I mean, does that make sense?

Dom B:
Oh yeah. It makes perfect sense. Funny enough, I was talking in front of her show goes live in October, Rev. Misty Tyme. She actually has a book called The Forgiveness Solution. The things you said Warwick like, they aligned with what she was saying too and she actually does keynote presentation and things like that because she's been there a lot herself with a rough upbringing. Heck, even dealing with past the spousal situations and learning to forgive is different from condoning.

Dom B:
It's like, just because... You can forgive somebody, but that doesn't mean you have to condone the behavior. Like that's something totally different and that's something I feel like a lot of folks need to keep in mind, is like, hey, you can forgive the person because it's really for you so that way you can keep going and be lighter in life because a lot of folks are carrying weight. I'm not just talking about the COVID 15 to 35 from the COVID 19, ...folks just crashed on a bunch of jokes.

Warwick F:
And Netflix, right? And Netflix, yeah.

Dom B:
Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. That too. That's really just the power of truly forgiving. Like, hey, you can forgive the person but look at the behavior objectively, just separating the behavior from the person. Like, all right, the person can always change. We can always change. We're subconsciously changing whether you believe it or not and it could be a change for the better or for the worse, but the behavior, if we can bring that to their attention and they can nip that in the bud early, that's a whole different situation. I'll fully agree with that. Fully agree with that.

Warwick F:
Yeah. It's funny, I often say about forgiveness, is that, why should you forgive? Because you're worth it. Not forgiving, it puts you in prison. In a prison of bitterness and anger and it just... it's like a living in a prison with toxic chemicals. I mean, it erodes and destroys your soul. Why? You're worth a lot more. It's like they often could care less. Don't give them the satisfaction. If you want to use some tortured, twisted logic, it's like forgive because you're worth it.

Warwick F:
Talk a bit about... you mentioned some people, their lives are pretty difficult. How do you give people hope? You in some ways were blessed in terms of the parents you've had and the dad you had, but a lot of people aren't blessed with that. There are some people that have terrible upbringings, live in a terrible neighborhood. Their lives are terrible. How do you give people whose situation seems hopeless, how do you give them hope? How do you inspire those folks?

Dom B:
Yes. One of the first things I'd like to do is listen to people, give them some time because that's really what a lot of people need nowadays, is someone just to listen to them. It's like the classic time when you may greet somebody with the, how you doing, and you really don't want to know how they're doing. Just being courteous to people, but usually if I ask somebody that, I usually expect an answer usually. If that doesn't work, even sometimes adding in a little humor to if they're open to it because sometimes folks really need just a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine of life go down a lot easier.

Dom B:
Just really just humor, the power of listening, and just really a smile as well and heck even sharing someone a positive word and reminding people, it's like hey, just because someone on paper may have all these titles and accomplishments, that doesn't mean they don't take bio breaks. We all have to take bio breaks here just to keep a little clean air for the listeners.

Warwick F:
Yeah, no. It's so true.

Dom B:
Yeah. Just remind the folks like hey, like me too. Just because I got some victories that doesn't mean I'm still not sure, but I'm like, hey, I still struggled from day to day. I still have to remind myself that I can still get things done and I can still be confident enough to really speak and inspire people because like with the whole COVID thing, like even having anxiety attack, because... I got an email from my day job and it was because of a miscommunication error and I'm like, oh crap, hope they don't can me here because the whole side hustle side thing that dried up for a bit and it's like, I don't really have it to where it's matching or at least exceeding the day job costs and it's like crappy. If something stupid happens, and I don't have medical insurance then I might be screwed up, especially for some of the folks who may be relying on me too and just realizing that, hey, I still struggle too.

Dom B:
Like nobody is immune from struggle and adversity. No one's immune. If you think you're immune, then you basically haven't lived long enough.

Gary S:
And that's a great place to begin the process. I think I can hear in the background the captain may have turned the fasten seatbelt sign on and we're going to... We'll circle the airport a couple of times, but we got to land the plane pretty soon, but that's an excellent point to what I'm sure is the next question that Warwick has, and that is, as you're offering hope to people, one of the things that you've done is you've written books to help people draw some of that perspective out. I wanted you to know, Dom, because we're interviewing you today and you started out not loving books much, and then you loved them and then you became an author. I wanted you to know that I wore this. If you're watching on YouTube-

Dom B:
Yeah.

Gary S:
If you're watching on YouTube, I'm wearing an author T-shirt...

Dom B:
Yes.

Gary S:
... underneath my sport coat in honor of Dom, but that those books that you've written are things that when you can't speak to people, they can unpack the wisdom that you have and I wanted to give you a chance before we finish up the questioning to tell people how they can find you on the internet, how they can find your books, how they can learn more about Don Brightmon on the web.

Dom B:
Sure thing. Folks can head over to dombrightmon.com, dombrightmon.com. If you head up there-

Gary S:
That's B-R-I-G-H-T-M-O-N.com. We'll have them in the show notes too, but that's the address.

Dom B:
Oh yeah, that's right. He's right about that. Definitely the show notes. You got to show your notes in math class, you got to show your notes in podcasts apparently.

Warwick F:
That is... I wanted to briefly ask about... you have a thing called MITCH. M-I-T-C-H, five keys for elite performance but before you answer that, I just wanted to make a quick observation that as you're talking about dealing with people with really difficult circumstances, by just listening to them, giving them a little bit of hope, it's like a drop of grace. A little bit of hope helps you take one more step and then that one more step leads to another. The journey to maybe a life that's about a... it just begins with somebody having a listening ear and giving them a little hope.

Warwick F:
It doesn't take much to help you take one more baby step and that's what you do just in your life, in your books. I just wanted to just throw that observation in there, but talk a little bit about MITCH and that's an amazing acronym. What is MITCH, the five keys for elite performance?

Dom B:
Sure thing. Sure thing. I have to think of a Gary or Warwick acronym. I know. If listeners name MITCH, they're going to be happy about this, but MITCH, the five keys for elite performance. The M stands for mental awareness. Mental awareness, being aware of what's going on in your mind. The I stands for influence awareness, being aware of the things around you that influence you. Like this podcast right now, that's a good influence. Binge on Netflix for 10 hours after listening to a podcast, maybe not so good. It's a detox, but maybe not for 10 hours.

Dom B:
The T is for time awareness, being aware of your time. The reason why I put time awareness as opposed to time management is because one, it goes to the theme of awareness and two, you can't really manage time because we all have the same amount. We just have to decide which activities we put in those blocks of time and it's really where our attention goes. Then the C is for connection awareness, are you connecting with wonderful people that'll really help you to think better, to live better and become better.

Dom B:
Do you have your metaphorical Wi-Fi signal open to receive the abundance that awaits you if you meet wonderful people, and the H to put the cap on everything is habit awareness. Because the habits that we have on the daily will decide where our future and our destiny will end up, because if you're not getting enough sleep daily then it's going to show up in your work when you're short with people, especially since nowadays everyone's in the people business whether they realize it or not, and it's now more than ever where we need empathy.

Dom B:
And if you're well, or your cup of empathy is empty, then basically you have to go back to your habits to realize, okay, am I getting enough sleep? Am I actually giving myself enough time for myself? Am I actually doing something to take care of myself and just really putting all those things together to really help you to become a top elite performer and that's the major keys that helped me to really get out of the grief and some setbacks over these past couple of years when building a wonderful life that I've been blessed to live up to this point.

Gary S:
That makes me wish my name was MITCH, to be honest.

Warwick F:
In the days we're living in, as we close here, in COVID there's this as much division in the US and probably the world as there's ever been. A lot of anger, grief. I mean, we live in just such challenging days. What's sort of a word of hope for people when they feel like things are so difficult, things are so bleak. What hope would you sort of give it like a thought, just for people that are feeling there's not much hope around?

Dom B:
Sure thing. You are somebody's gift whether you know it or not, because there was a Facebook post from an independent musician on YouTube where he was sharing a post that was asking folks how long has it been since your last suicide attempt? And he said five years, and then a few other folks were listing their years. Some said four, some said three, some said two and one of them, I actually listened to some of his music and I was a fan of it and I'm like, hey, keep pushing forward and keep being better and realize that, hey, you're someone's gift. Like I listen to your album at least once every other month. I listen to it every year man, like keep pushing us. I love your work.

Dom B:
I didn't even know that they were going through that. You are someone's gift. Make sure that you remember you were always someone's gift. You may not know it now, you may not think it now. It's hard to see it where you are now, but keep pushing and you'll eventually see that are you are someone else's gift because taking your life will be taking that gift away from someone else and it'll be taking away the future that you can create not only for yourself, but for those you love.

Gary S:
Wow. As I say, increasingly on this podcast, because we get such good guests with such great insights. I've been in the communications business long enough to know when the last best word has been spoken, and Dom has spoken it. Let me wrap up with three takeaways I think that come from this a really, really insightful conversation with Don Brightmon. One, look for the gifts in adversity. There may be, as Dom explained it, some barbed wire on the package that that gift arrives in, but you have to unwrap it. You may get cut. It may draw a little blood physically and emotionally, but you can get through it. You can not just survive, but you can thrive.

Gary S:
Adversity is not a period in your life story, it's a comma and life can be as Dom's latest book contribution puts it, it can go from crappy to happy. That's point one. Point two, look to others to help you move beyond your crucibles, family, friends, associates at work, they will encourage you. They'll educate you. They'll help you heal from the hits to the face as Dom put it earlier in this episode. Moving beyond a crucible is not an individual sport like tennis, it's a team sport like football. Like football, you're going to get knocked about a bit, but you'll also score touchdowns because you have a team behind you that's all kind of driving in the same direction toward those goalposts.

Gary S:
Your crucible moment can be a crystal moment, and I'll stop here and say copyright 2020 Dom Brightmon. Just so no one thinks I'm trying to take credit for his fantastic intellectual property, and then point three as a takeaway from this episode listener. Advance others to advance yourself. That's Dom's mantra. The way to fill up your legacy glass is to pour into the lives of others.

Gary S:
Thank you for spending time with us here on Beyond the Crucible and this discussion we've had with Don Brightmon. Warwick and I have a favor to ask you. If you've enjoyed this conversation, if you've enjoyed previous conversation, we'd ask that you would click subscribe on the podcast app in which you're listening to us right now. That ensures that you'll never miss an episode and we have, I can tell you, because we've recorded some of them already. We have some interviews coming up that are just as exciting and exciting in different ways even, than this one has been with Dom. We've got good content on the line, as they say. Click subscribe and you'll never miss an episode.

Gary S:
Until the next time we are together here on Beyond the Crucible, remember that your crucible experiences are painful. They can be in Dom's language, crappy, but happy is just over the wall. You can move from that to happiness. If you learn the lessons of your crucible, if you dig in and do the hard work, if you work through what that barbed wire has done to you as you had that crucible moment, those crucible experiences can be not by far not the end of your story, not a period to your sentence, but a comma because what can happen is the next chapter in your story once you learn those lessons and move on.

Gary S:
The next chapter in your story can be the most rewarding chapter of your life because in the end that chapter, the last page of that, is a life of significance.

Moving beyond your crucible is hard work, even harder when the circumstances that knocked you off your feet seem to linger forever.  How do you get going again when it feels like your crucible is a bottomless pit, a black hole? Crucible Leadership founder and BEYOND THE CRUCIBLE host Warwick Fairfax lays down a roadmap for getting back on track toward a life of significance. “It’s not an easy cycle to break when you’re at the bottom of your crucible,” he says. But it can be done … if you embrace the power of one small step.

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👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/

Transcript

Warwick F:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible, I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership. Even when life can feel overwhelming and there's no hope, just take that one small step. It could be apply for that next position, even when you think it's hopeless, have that one more networking call. In J.K. Rowling's case, send out one more manuscript to one more publisher, whatever the positive step is, no matter how small each day, try to take one small step. It could be journaling about the kind of position you would like to get, but it's... The importance of taking one small step at a time each day each week, that is probably the foundation of getting out of the bottomless pit, even when that small step can seem like, well, even if it happens, so what?

Gary S:
Raise your hand if you've ever felt like you're in that position, like the crucible you're in has no bottom. It has no end, that no matter what you try to do next, this has been going on so long, that to try to do anything more to overcome it to move beyond it, so what? Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co host of the show and the communication's director for Crucible Leadership. And on today's episode, Warwick, answers the so what question. Beyond that, he offers a roadmap for how all of us can proceed through a bottomless crucible as he calls it. Through what we've dubbed crucible fatigue, how do you get from point A to point B, when point A and half seems like it's gone on forever? You'll find that out on today's episode. And as Warwick says, it all begins with one step.

Warwick F:
Sometimes, we go through this crucible and it feels like it's a bottomless pit, it feels like the pit has no end, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You can't even see a tunnel, you just see this whole sense of darkness. And at the moment, everybody really has had a tough 2020 or pretty much everybody. We've had the whole pandemic which seem to go on forever. Yes, we've heard recently that maybe there's a vaccine, that could take quite a while to get out and be widespread, the economy is uncertain, we've had a very tough election and that's divided many people, some happy, some are not happy. Our whole world feels in a lot of turmoil, a lot of division along a lot of lines, including racism and issues of systemic racism. It's been a very tough year for a lot, if not most people.

Warwick F:
So, in a sense you could say many of us are going through a collective crucible, but crucibles can also be very personal, whether it's 2020 or not, you might have got fired from your job or passed over for a promotion, maybe you have a loved one that's died recently or health challenge in the family. So whether it be because of large outside causes or something very personal, there is some days, some months, some years even in which we feel like we don't have hope. It just seems like there is no way out of the bottom, we just feel like this crucible is like a black hole, it's going to go on forever. And as we all know, once you get into a black hole, folks with physics majors know that once you get into a black hole, not even light can escape. So we feel like we're in this black hole of a crucible and there is no end.

Gary S:
If we've heard it once in 2020, we've heard it dozens, if not more than that times. People saying, "I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of filling the blank of the pandemic and the concern about health and the pandemic and the concern about the health of the economy and the restrictions." My wife and I were talking to my stepson last night and he was saying he had plans this summer to see his friends and do things and he hasn't been able to do that. And you don't realize that sometimes as you're dealing with your own fatigue, that everybody around you probably has a little bit of that fatigue too. And on any given day and any given year, that can be real. Those crucibles to use your excellent phrase can feel bottomless. But right now, it seems like a great percentage of us, a great concentration of us are feeling that. And in fact, just this morning, I was poking around on LinkedIn and there's a story, a new story on LinkedIn, about firms grappling with what they're calling pandemic burnout.

Gary S:
So we're calling this crucible fatigue, they're referring at LinkedIn to pandemic burnout. And I'm not going to read the whole story. But here's some interesting... As we go through this episode, I know the things that you're going to talk about Warwick, and they touch on some of these very things. As the pandemic stretches on through the fall, bosses say many of their remote employees are reporting depression and uncertainty over what's next. And many firms are taking actions to head off a surge of employee distress. That sounds like fatigue, doesn't it? But just a couple of the tips that they offer in this story on LinkedIn. One, and we'll talk about it in more detail in some different words, but as we move through this episode, encouraging staff to take time off or take self care days. That's one of the things that LinkedIn is talking about in terms of pandemic burnout, we'll talk about it in this episode about crucible fatigue. Also, fostering dialogue to share genuine emotions. That's one of the tips that you have that we'll unpack a little bit later on.

Gary S:
And then offering training or supervising to help people with expressing empathy to others. Again, that's one of the things we'll talk about it, you'll talk about it in a bit of a different way, but you will talk about it before our time is up today. So, I thought that was very interesting as we picked this idea out, we're not the only ones who are doing it, because here's LinkedIn talking about it just this morning.

Warwick F:
Yeah, it's so true. Yeah, for so many of us, we're just locked at home and I have three adult kids in their 20s and one is working remotely and seems to be okay and other my daughter came back from Australia where she was for a couple years. And she's doing a grad course and she should be in Chicago, where the grad course is, but it's all remote and she's an outgoing person, so it's just tough to be locked at home. And younger son had to do graduation from college I guess remotely, he wasn't able to go to it live. So, our lives are just so different. People are getting isolated, I'm sure. Depression and other issues more prevalent now, since people are locked at home. So, life is tough enough, but we've got this overlay. So it's a tough time for many people.

Gary S:
I always like to pull quotes, especially on these episodes when it's just the two of us. And you know, the listeners don't know that I'm a huge Green Bay Packers fan. But here's something that Vince Lombardi, the legendary coach of the Green Bay Packers said about fatigue, which is I think, a good jumping off point to begin some more detailed discussion of this subject of fatigue over crucibles. Vince Lombardi said, "Fatigue makes cowards of us all." We talked about this idea Warwick that I don't feel I have enough energy to get on, I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. And Vince was a little plain spoken, but the idea there really is, it can make us feel like we just want to give up, it can make us feel like we don't have what it takes to press through.

Warwick F:
We're kind of... Right. We often use this image in Crucible Leadership, we can feel like we're hiding under the covers and just not want to get up, just this sense of I'm done. I've had it, I'm checking out of life, just going to go through the next 20, 30, 40 years and that's it. All of us can have times in which we feel like that's it. When you're in the bottom of a crucible, it goes on forever. It is tough to get out of that thinking back to the black hole image, it's tough to get out of that thinking of, "I'm done, I'm worn out, I'm tired, I've had it." That's not an easy cycle to break when you're at the bottom of the crucible.

Gary S:
And listeners who've spent any time at all with us, know that you Warwick, are a great student of history, that you draw many of your leadership insights, practical tips from some of the greatest leaders in history. And history tells us that what we're talking about today, there are examples even in recent history, there are examples of folks who have gone through some really hard, bottomless feeling crucibles. Crucible fatigue and yet, as we like to say on Beyond the Crucible, your crucibles aren't the end of your story, they can be the beginning. In the cases that you've written about in the past, there are great examples of folks who indeed have done that. Who comes to mind as you think that over?

Warwick F:
Yeah, it is funny. We do talk a lot about folks in history be it Washington, Lincoln, Churchill, Roosevelt. But one that came to mind as we were thinking about this is somebody I wrote about a little while ago. Maybe a year ago, J.K. Rowling. Whose first name is Joanne, but publisher decided to go with J.K, since she wrote the best selling books, Harry Potter that was targeted at teenage boys, what have you and they thought J.K would be better for that audience. I don't think boys would really have cared, but publishers go figure.

Gary S:
It's the marketing and PR guys. It is the PR guys.

Warwick F:
Exactly. So, everybody's heard of J.K. Rowling and they've heard of her incredible success. She's sold more than 450 million copies of a seven book series, her eight films that she's done on Harry Potter, she's done other ones, but just on Harry Potter, they grossed over $7 billion worldwide with a B. She's had enormous success. So when you think of people who are that successful, it's hard to think that maybe they went through crucibles, maybe they went through a time in which there seemed to be no hope. And so, we forget about that, but J.K. Rowling, Joanne Rowling, she had that experience. She around 1992, was about two years after she came up with the whole idea of Harry Potter. And it was an unbelievably tough year, it was like her 2020, if you will, maybe multiplied by five or something. Her mother had just died after battling multiple sclerosis since Joanne was a teenager, she had had a difficult divorce from the first husband and she had a young daughter to support.

Warwick F:
So here she was in Edinburgh, Scotland, living in poverty on welfare, she had a young daughter to support by her own admission, she was diagnosed with depression, on the verge of suicide. Again, this is her perspective, life couldn't have been more difficult. What hope is there for a single mother in Edinburgh, in that situation? And apparently she had a difficult relationship with her dad. So, a lot of these support mechanisms, they weren't there, at least not from family.

Gary S:
And those are a lot of crucibles that can stack up pretty quickly.

Warwick F:
Yeah. She said that she was as poor as possible to be in modern Britain, she felt that she had failed on an epic scale. But it's interesting, she says that rock bottom became the foundation on which she rebuilt her life. And what's interesting is, she said a number of things, since about this about just her attitude. She said, failure was a stripping away of the nonessential, she said she was set free because her greatest fear had been realized and she's still alive and she had a daughter that she adored. Failure taught her things about herself that she couldn't have learned any other way. She said that later, but at the time, picture J.K Rowling. So, here she is, Joanne Rowling, she's in Edinburgh, she tended to write in the cafes in the town. And so what she would do is she'd have a stroller with her young daughter in it and as a lot of young mothers and young parents will know, she'd be wheeling her around the stroller, until eventually her daughter would fall asleep, which can take a while.

Warwick F:
The daughter would fall asleep, she'd head into the cafe and then start writing. Not on a typewriter, longhand on a pad of paper, and she's probably thinking, "Okay, how many pages can I get done before my daughter wakes up? Two, three, a chapter?" Okay, off we go, let's have another few walks around the block and then let's go to another cafe and maybe the same one. So that's what she did. Time after time until that book was finished. Then she went to a number of publishers, she went to 12 publishers, they all said no. The 13th said yes.

Gary S:
And let's back up so our listeners catch this moment. The book she's talking about, that she gave to 12 publishers, or a dozen publishers, was it some book you've never heard of? This was Harry Potter. This was... When people talk about the most successful books of all time, there's the Bible and then I think some of the Harry Potter books have fallen under that in terms of sales. So, this was something that was good that she poured herself into and yet it was rejected 12 times.

Warwick F:
Right, because nobody had ever heard of Joanne Rowling at the time. So who was she? And so most people will turn down books even seems good ones. But you could tell yourself, "Well, that's Joanne Rowling," but think she's a single mother, bad divorce, mother died, bad relationship with her dad and here she is in Edinburgh on welfare. There's not a whole lot of hope to be gained there. But somehow she was able to press on, somehow she didn't give up hope and just believed in the dream. She just believed in this book and she wouldn't give up. And we'll talk later about how that relates to some of the tips. But it's pretty of an amazing story.

Gary S:
It is. And let's walk listeners through exactly what that's like. If you're feeling right now listener like you're in a bottomless crucible, you're having crucible fatigue, be it the pandemic, the economy, personal things. Let's just unpack what J.K Rowling went through. Sends the manuscript off once, rejected, twice, rejected. Three times, rejected, four times, rejected, five times, rejected, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12 times it was rejected. She could have given up at any one of those times. How many times does it take us... And this is a rhetorical question for all of us.

Gary S:
How many times does it take us to give up on a dream, on something three times, four times? What if J.K Rowling at the third time, the seventh time, the 10th time had given up? The world would have been deprived of what culturally is considered one of the great children's novel series from that movie series of all time. She pushed through. And because she pushed through, I would say in the language of crucible leadership, she's living a life of significance.

Warwick F:
Absolutely. Very true. She's living an incredible life and has a whole volunteer organization to support people, I think others that have gone through some of the experiences that she's had. So, yeah. She's had an incredible impact on the world. No question.

Gary S:
It was interesting Warwick, when you mentioned to me on the show here, when you mentioned the amount of money the books have sold. Because you actually use the phrase billion with a B. And one of the skills of a good co host is knowing how to segue and pick moments to segue. So, where the other time I've said a few times billion with a B, is your own personal story, your own personal crucible, Warwick, of your takeover of the family media company in the late 80s, the failure of that company slips family control after 150 years and at a loss of $2.25 billion. Big crucible. You've talked about that many times on the show, but one of the things that you haven't really talked about that I'd like you to share with listeners a little bit is, it took a while because it was the late 80s, early 90s when that fell through and it took some time. It took a few years for you to fight through the fatigue of what that crucible caused in your life. Is that true?

Warwick F:
It is. Yeah, as you mentioned, like most listeners would know I've been growing up in this large family media business in Australia, newspapers, TV stations, radio magazines, launch this $2.25 billion takeover to bring it back to the ideals of the founder, see the company is being well run. That all fell through almost from the beginning, we had an unsustainable level of debt. I felt like I've been put on this earth to spend my whole life in this media company and can do such a lot of good in the community. I thought this was the vision, maybe it wasn't my vision, but I felt like it was a good vision nonetheless. And then after 150 years and certainly in part due to me, the company goes or passes from family control, goes bankrupt and passes on to other people in late 1990. So here we are in the 1990s and I was not clinically depressed, but I was in a bad way. It's like, "Well, what is my purpose? Now, what do I do?" I wasn't poverty stricken like Joanne Rowling, I didn't have the same level of wealth, but certainly enough to be okay.

Warwick F:
But just emotionally and spiritually, I felt like I'd let my family down, God down in a sense that the company was founded by a person of faith and faith is important to me. I felt like I let my parents down. It was just a tough tough thing. And so, I've always been analytical. So I thought maybe I could get a job doing strategic analysis, marketing analysis, anything that's analytical. And I'd send out resumes to different places in first half of the 1990s and who wants to employ an out of work media mogul? Nobody. I could say, "Oh, I'm humble." And all went, "Oh, sure. Yeah, right." And so I was unemployable. It was just... It's hard to have a hope when you just think of all these rejections which I could understand. So eventually, sometimes desperation makes you take steps that you probably wouldn't otherwise. In Maryland, where we lived there was a temp agency that looks for temporary employment for accountants and financial analysts.

Warwick F:
I'm not an accountant, but I have done financial analysis after I went to Oxford and before I went to Harvard Business School, I worked in a bank on Wall Street and so I did financial analysis. And yeah, as an aside, I have a Harvard MBA, but that certainly didn't help me get a job at that point, again, former medium mogul. It's just didn't do anything for me. Not their fault, but the situation. So I went to this temp agency and said, "Well, I could do financial analysis." They said, "Well, we have this little program that will test your proficiency at Microsoft Excel." Well, I'd used that a lot in business school and in the bank, so I guess at the time-

Gary S:
You were pretty good.

Warwick F:
I'm talking about 1996, that was pretty good. They said, "Well, you got a really good score on Excel." Okay, great. So they found me a job at a sports company that had its US headquarters in Maryland, and needed some help with budgeting. So, I did that over a few months and I must have done a good enough job. They said, "Well, your employer said you did a great job helping out with budgeting analysis and all." Then they said, "Well, there is a temporary to permanent position at a local company in Annapolis, where I live." They said a large aviation services company. So I started off there doing financial analysis and after a few months, they offered me a full time job. Now, this is 1996 and at the time what they were offering me was a fair wage for the work that was being done, but I felt like I was probably the lowest paid, Harvard Business School graduate in history at the time. But yet, I was overjoyed. I had a job.

Warwick F:
It was something that I could do, certainly it wasn't my dream job, a Harvard MBA doing entry level financial analysis for an aviation services company. Nothing wrong with the industry, but it was a first step. And a little bit a little bit, I got more into business analysis, strategic analysis. From there some listeners will know, I took an executive coach who does mid career assessments, gave me an assessment as well. You have a great profile for executive coaching, got into that, got onto two nonprofit boards, including my church board. As I started doing that, people said, "Boy, you have a great perspective on leadership." I'm thinking, "What do you mean? I'm just asking questions." So, "Oh, do I have actually something to offer?"

Warwick F:
Because at the time, I would have been like, "I couldn't lead my way out of a paper bag. Me, lead? Look, what I did. Come on, I have nothing to offer." But a little bit by a little bit and then, the idea of the book came through a talk I gave in church, somehow what I said helped people and then Crucible Leadership. But where I am now, it's a tremendous place with a book that's going to be published next year, this podcast Beyond the Crucible, active on social media, have a whole website Crucible Leadership. But if you think back to all those years ago, when I'm at this temp agency and it's like, "Oh, you're good at Excel, maybe we can find something temporary for you." It seemed like a baby step, a micro baby step, 100th of a baby step. It didn't seem particularly a glorious step, but it was a step as we'll talk about later, that led to great things. But I had no idea at the time.

Gary S:
And before you went into that temp agency and had that conversation and found the temporary job, what was it like emotionally? We've talked about it many times that listeners probably have not had... Certainly have not had the same details of their crucibles as you have, or as I have. But the emotions are the same. And I assume at some point, in the midst of post takeover and going in and getting that temporary job, you probably experienced, did you not? Crucible fatigue.

Warwick F:
Yeah. It was hard to have a whole lot of energy to do anything super productive. Fortunately, I had young kids at the time and my wife is very loving and supportive, which was huge. I'm so blessed. But yeah, it was just you're trying to trot out resumes. This was just before the dawn of the internet in the early 90s, I felt like I couldn't just Google stuff at the time. I would send out resumes and nothing would happen. How do you get the energy and the get up and go to send out a resume when the chances of success are pretty much zero? Objectively speaking out of work, media mogul, Harvard MBA, Oxford, it's like there is no way. I was unemployable.

Warwick F:
So, there was zero reason for even a speck or a grain of hope objectively. And I knew that. And so you just keep... Fortunately, and this is a blessing. We weren't on the streets. We had not billions but had enough that we will be okay at least for a while. But yeah, it was hard to get motivation to do a whole lot professionally. Having young kids does distract you in a good way. But to feel like, "Oh, let's trot out another resume." Why? What's the point? It will fail. Which they did. So, yeah. It's just saps you of energy, fatigue, you feel bad about yourself and then you start thinking, "What an idiot the takeover? Why did I do it? So dumb, so stupid." And so the fatigue and not clinical depression, but depression can lead to self-incrimination like, "I'm in this spot, certainly, in significant part because of my own stupidity. So then the cycle of, "I can't get a job, I'm an idiot. I can't get a job, I'm an idiot." Yeah. It's worn out. It's hard to pick yourself up every day. It's tough.

Gary S:
And the good news for listeners who may find yourselves in the same place right now, your crucible has been going on for longer than you expected it would, certainly longer than you hoped it would. And maybe you're feeling tired, maybe you're feeling fatigued, maybe you're feeling what Warwick just described. What's the chance of success of this resume or of this effort to start my business up the way that I want to do it? What effort is going to pay off for me to continue to pursue my vision? Maybe I should just stop to use the J.K. Rowling example, maybe I should just stop at the 11th submission of the manuscript. But the good news is, as Warwick described for himself, as J.K. Rowling is testament to, there are ways to fight that fatigue, there are ways to light the engine to help you move past that fatigue, to dissipate that fatigue and move your life toward a life of significance.

Gary S:
And I know Warwick, you have a blog on this subject and you unpack several helpful tips. It really is the way I described it, as I'm thinking about it. It's a roadmap, if you will, of how to go from I want to lie in bed with the covers over my head to I'm chugging along pretty good toward a life of significance. Let's walk the listeners through that roadmap.

Warwick F:
Yeah, absolutely. The first one is probably the most important. It's take one small step, even when life can feel overwhelming and there's no hope, just take that one small step. It could be apply for that next position, even when you think it's hopeless. Have that one more networking call. In J.K. Rowling's case, send out one more manuscript to one more publisher, whatever the positive step is, no matter how small each day, try to take one small step. It could be journaling about the kind of position you would like to get, but it's the importance of taking one small step at a time each day each week, that is probably the foundation of getting out of a bottomless pit. Even when that small step can seem like, well, even if it happens, so what? Okay, so I go to this temp agency and they think I'm good at Excel. Okay, that seems not super exciting, but okay. But that's the first thing, is take one small step, because those small steps can seem like a flywheel.

Gary S:
Yeah. And I'll give you an example of a small step I took. We haven't even talked about this beforehand. But it just came to mind when I was on my second journalism job. And I've mentioned on this show, I think once before that I was a reporter in a newspaper and I thought I was the star reporter, I got a lot of choice assignments and I began to believe my hype a little bit too much, I didn't try as hard as I could have tried. And the ultimate result of that was I got laid off. And that was in the 90s and it was not the easiest thing to do. Newspapers were still more robust than they are now, but I'm trying to think, "What am I going to do?" And again, before the internet, how do you find about jobs, how do you do this?

Gary S:
And I remember after a couple of weeks of just wanting to lay in bed and go sit by the pool and not do really much of anything, I decided my one step was going to be this. I was going to dress every morning like I was going to work and I was going to treat finding a job like having a job. That was my job, it was to find a job. So I got up, shaved, got dressed in my shirt and tie and coat and sat and worked trying to find a job. And just that one small step changed my perspective. Because my perspective was a guy who was unshaven for four days lying on his bed, feeling sorry for himself to a guy that at least looked like, felt like he was someone who was employable, someone who had a future and that one small step to your point, then led to another small step, another small step and I came up out of the bottomless pit. So, after the small step, after step one which is take one small step, what comes after that?

Warwick F:
Yeah. And that's a profound example just sort of an attitude change of just getting dressed in your work clothes so to speak. An attitude as well as an action can be so profound. So, I think one of the things that happens is there's a link between taking a small step and the vision, you may not know what your whole vision is, but as you begin to take some small steps and get some affirmation, you begin to see, "Well, maybe there's something that I can do." And the vision begins to grow. My case, when I got into financial analysis, I'm actually pretty good analytically. This is something that I can do. Huh. So, I'm getting some positive reinforcement, which encourages me. I get into executive coaching and I was told I had a leadership voice, just by the questions I asked. Gosh, for me, that's made so many bad mistakes, leadership mistakes, maybe there's something I can do.

Warwick F:
And I didn't think at the time and this is the important point, whether it was when I started coaching, or even further back at the temp agency, "Oh, I'm going to found Crucible Leadership, I'm going to have a book, I'm going to have a podcast." I wasn't thinking that, I was just thinking of something to reclaim at least a grain of my self esteem, something positive I could do. But the vision tends to grow. It's a bit like a flywheel. I think of Walt Disney, who I've talked about earlier, he just started off wanting to do animated cartoons with a story that was a bit more interesting than the typical ones in the 20's, early 30s. But from Mickey Mouse, ended up going to Snow White, going to Disneyland, Disney World and on. The genesis of the dream is all about, "Surely can't we do animated cartoons a bit better?" That was it.

Warwick F:
It wasn't this big, long term plan. I'm sure J.K. Rowling didn't think, "You know what? I really see a billion plus grossing movie series." This is what's going to happen. She is just like, "Look, I've got this story in my mind..." In her mind she had outlined the whole series of books. But she just wanted to get it published. If she had got enough income to support her daughter and have some modest living, she probably would have been happy. So there wasn't some big vision, but as you take one small step at a time and you get one small win at a time, back to your example, by dressing professionally made you think, "Okay, my attitude today is better than it was yesterday."

Gary S:
Absolutely.

Warwick F:
And you could say, "Well, that's not a win," because you didn't get a job, you didn't even get an interview yet. But that attitude change in itself, I'm sure if you viewed at the time, was a win, even be it a small win.

Gary S:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
Does that makes sense?

Gary S:
I couldn't envision The big Lebowski that I was lying. And it's funny it was before The Big Lebowski actually that I did this. But I couldn't imagine that guy that was sitting in a bathrobe and an unshaven face. I couldn't imagine him having a job. And I could imagine the guy in the mirror, sitting in front of his word processor, sending out resumes, clean shaven and tie on, I could imagine that guy getting a job. And you're right, that was a switch that flipped in my head that said, "Okay, I can take the next step."

Warwick F:
So, that was a key small win. And as we're doing this and it's easy to forget, we really need to celebrate each small step. Whether it's of course it's hard to go out these days to dinner, but back before, whether it's that or even just an attitude of celebration. I remember when that job at the aviation services company went from temp to permanent, it wasn't high paying, but I was overjoyed. I'm a Harvard MBA, Oxford graduate, why would I get excited about a very low paying, low level, entry level job? Because after what I've been through, it felt like a big step at the time. But it was a win, I was just over the moon, I was so happy. So don't take those small steps for granted, celebrate it because that gives you energy for the next small step. Small step by small step, it builds your vision, celebrate each small step and that will produce a flywheel of enthusiasm that will make leaping out of bed actually possible, rather than dragging yourself out.

Gary S:
And I love that at this point we're through three points, but truly, they're not really tips, they're connected points. They're connected steps along a map. This is a roadmap to getting through crucible fatigue. Take one small step, don't forget your vision, dial into your vision as you're taking that step after that step before you take the next step and then celebrate each small step as you go along. That's point three that you just made or step three that you just made.

Warwick F:
Absolutely. And I think, it's funny it's hard to learn or move or grow without moving. Movement is the key, which is why we started off with take one small step. But as you're moving, you're going to learn some things about yourself. You're going to learn about what you're good at, what you enjoy doing. You're going to learn like in my case, I'm analytical, I'm strategic. When I started coaching, I realized I love listening to people and helping other people. I found I had a leadership voice, that I had no idea that I had. When that led to me getting on two nonprofit boards, I'm a reserved person by nature, certainly at the time, somewhat shy, because I passionately believed in the missions of those two boards. I found I had a leadership voice, I was able to politely, but strongly express my opinion, which is not the kind of person that I thought of myself.

Warwick F:
I'm not a bomb thrower, I'd rather listen to other people than offer my opinion. So, it's like, "Wow, really, who knew I actually was able to express strong opinion constructively." So, the point here is as you go through these small steps, baby steps, as you're learning more about your vision, as you celebrate it, learn what you don't enjoy, but learn what you do enjoy and learn about yourself. About who you are, pay attention, reflect as you're moving, because there's a lot to learn through each of these steps. Why did that work? Why did I enjoy it? Talk about it to your wife or husband, friends, partner, just learn as you're going through these small steps.

Gary S:
And one of the things I love about learn through your crucible coming after, celebrate your each small step is that, as you learn, you can celebrate the things that you learn. Right?

Warwick F:
Absolutely.

Gary S:
They're up inside themselves, they can be self-contained. You celebrate the small step, you learn through your crucible, that's a small step. But then you can celebrate the things that you learn. What do you like? What do you not like? What are you good at? Maybe have you fooled yourself into thinking you're better at it? What brings your heart alive? Those are things that then you can celebrate as you learn more and more about yourself. And each one of these points that Warwick is talking about, is fuel that can be added to the engine of your life to help you move beyond that fatigue that you're feeling in what feels like a bottomless crucible. All right, on to step five.

Warwick F:
Absolutely. And so as you're making these small steps, your vision is growing, you're celebrating these steps, you're learning about yourself. One of the most important things is to cultivate an attitude of hope. There are optimists and pessimists in this world. And I get it, but a pessimistic attitude to life, you have to ask yourself, how does that serve me? How does it saying it will never work, I'm going to fail, there is no hope. I'm almost reminded of Winnie the Pooh, I think Eeyore the donkey, just came to mind. He's like, "Oh, it's hopeless, oh, it's never going to work." You don't want to be the Eeyore of your life so to speak. It's not going to serve you. It's your choice, but I would challenge you to think about, is this helpful? So, have an attitude of hope.

Warwick F:
So, when I got that first job in the aviation services company I was like, "Okay, this is not my dream job, but I'm analytical, maybe I can move up into something that benefits my skills." And whether it's coaching or a number of things I've done with the book, just each step, have an attitude of hope, have an attitude that tomorrow will be a better day. It may or may not, but have an attitude of hope, because that attitude of hope fuels movement, fuels progress, fuels success. An attitude of negativity and pessimism, what does that do? It fuels no growth, no steps. So, whether you feel like it or not, force yourself to have a hopeful attitude.

Gary S:
Yeah. And along those lines Warwick. One of the things that my wife and I have started to do in the midst of the what can feel like a bottomless crucible, the collective crucible, I believe he called it at the top of the show here. One of the things that we begun to do in the last month is every morning when we wake up, I went to the dollar store and bought like one dollars worth of five enormous things of slim ribbon. And every morning when we get up, we slice a bit of that ribbon off. And I've pulled an old vase from underneath in one of the cupboards and we put it up near where we have family photos in our bay window in the living room. And every morning we get up and together we take a little snip of that ribbon which is used to wrap gifts and we say out loud, thank you, today is a gift. And we drop that ribbon into that vase to remind ourselves that even in the midst of whatever crucibles we're facing, this is going to be relevant after the pandemic has passed.

Gary S:
But right now with the pandemic going on and some of the tensions going on in the culture, today, being alive today, having the opportunity to take a small step, having the opportunity to have hope, all of that is a gift. And that for us is a tangible way to tell ourselves when our eyes open first thing in the morning, today is a gift. And if we think about it in that way, that will breathe that attitude of hopefulness that you've just talked about.

Warwick F:
There's no question. In fact, there's a link between some of the last few... The last tip I have which really I hope leads into gratitude is it's easy to have an attitude of just complaining and being... I don't want to say ungrateful, but just what's the point, but being grateful for every small step. It's like, "Okay, thanks for the interview. Okay, I got that manuscript out to one more publisher." Well, at least maybe they said no, but maybe they gave some constructive feedback. Maybe there was something in there that was going to help you in the midst of the no. When I was going through those difficult years in the 90s, I was so blessed. I had a very supportive wife, not once not ever cut down on me, because she understood what I was going through. She was always supportive, never negative ever. I had young kids who I was daddy. They didn't know or care about what was happening in my professional life, which is a bit grim. So, being grateful for a loving wife and wonderful kids, we can always find a way to be grateful. People talk about having an attitude of gratitude.

Warwick F:
Maybe there are some who might say to themselves, "I have nothing to be grateful for." But I'd say the vast majority of people can think of something. I'm glad I'm alive, I'm so grateful for this because both hope and gratitude, they fuel energy, they fuel momentum and you want to turn that flywheel with these steps. You need to feed it. How do you feed it? With optimism, hope and gratitude. And really a final step that really links hope and gratitude or helps fuel them is, it really helps to have a cheerleading squad. You can surround yourself by negative naysayers like Gary, Warwick, we always knew you'd fail, it just makes sense you're in this position. Everybody knows you're hopeless. Well, that's a strategy, but I would say, don't talk to those people. Even if they're right to a degree, even the most nastiest negative person might have a grain of truth in it, which is why it typically hurts. If there was no truth in there, you wouldn't care. But surround yourself and hopefully it's a spouse, partner, kids, people that believe in you.

Warwick F:
Friends, we can all choose our friends. People that believe in you. You don't need people to tell you what to do. Well, that's good, but which can mean that was okay, but you're long way short. They keep moving the goalposts, that's not really a cheerleading squad, that's like, I'm never going to get the end zone because they keep moving the goalposts no matter how much I achieve, It's never good enough. That's not the right people. They may be well meaning, but you want people to celebrate each small win and say, "You know what, Gary, Warwick? That's awesome." You got an interview, or let's say it's Joanne Rowling.

Warwick F:
Joanne, maybe she's chatting to some of her friends at the cafe, her daughter has gone to sleep and she's taking a break from writing and they're saying, "Joanne, it's okay, I know that was the 10th rejection, but we believe in you, this thing will get published, keep going." For we know she had some friends that actually supported her. So, that is so valuable. Find those people that will support you, that will believe in you, that will help increase this attitude of hope. That will help foster the sense of gratitude in you. So, that's huge. It's another important step. Hope, gratitude and a cheerleading squad that help that flywheel. It's all about keeping that flywheel going. That is really the key. One small step at a time, get that flywheel going and then eventually, success will happen not maybe in the sense that you think about it or plan for it, but that is the way out of the black hole, out of the bottom of the mine shaft. Just keep going one small step at a time in a supportive environment.

Gary S:
As you talk about a cheerleading squad, one of the things that comes to mind for me and we hear it all the time and we've talked about it on the show before. Surround yourself with people who will tell you not what you want to hear but what you need to hear. But one of the things that makes those people valuable, is they know that sometimes what you need to hear is affirmation, sometimes what you need to hear is applause, is encouragement. Yeah, there may be times, there certainly are times, even in the midst of a bottomless crucible, in the midst of your crucible fatigue that you need to hear "hard truths." But the wise people, the good cheerleaders on your squad are going to be ones who will recognize the time to set that aside, the constructive criticism aside and just applaud you for those things that will help you move the next step that you have to take. The first step is important and the next step. Continuing to take the next step after that step, the 12th submission, the 13th submission of the Harry Potter manuscript. That's important.

Warwick F:
That's so true. If you were writing a job description of your cheerleading squad, one of the things you hear about people in the business world and giving feedback, they talk about the three to one ratio, three affirmations to one constructive criticism. And some people think they're helping you by just shovelling all over you in a massive pile, all of the things that you need to learn and do. And they all may be true, but you can't handle all of it at one time. And it's often not helpful. So, stress the affirmation, maybe ask a question rather than making a point. Is this the direction you want to go? Do you think this... How well does this fit with your gifts and skills? There's a way of rather than sledge hammering a person, gently guiding and nudging.

Gary S:
Correct.

Warwick F:
And ultimately, it's their life and you could be wrong anyway. So, don't think like you know everything. The odd word of wisdom is fine, but as you rightly say above all what they need is to move and they can't move without affirmation. Affirmation and support is like the oil that greases those clunky wheels, the flywheel that gets it really spinning. So, major on the affirmations, minor on the constructive criticism in small little doses.

Gary S:
Just as we don't need internal Eeyores, we don't need external Eeyores.

Warwick F:
That's true. What you don't need is a cheerleading squad that will say, "You know what? We knew you could never do it. We knew you'd always fail." That's like surrounding yourself with people that are tying ropes all over you and chains. You don't need to be chained down. So yes, those people should not qualify, they should not be hired for your cheerleading squad.

Gary S:
Absolutely. One of the things that I say at the end of every episode Warwick is, it's time to land the plane. So we're going to land the plane here in a bit. What as the captain of the plane, what are some parting thoughts you'd like to leave listeners with about this idea of fighting their way through what feel like bottomless crucibles, fatigue from crucible experiences?

Warwick F:
No matter how bad it feels, no matter how hopeless, how dark, how much of a black hole or deep mine shaft, the most important thing to ask yourself is this, what one small step can I take today? What one small step, no matter how small it is, can I take today? It all begins with a small step. All the other tips, the cheerleading, the hope, gratitude, vision, learning from your crucible experiences, learning about yourself, it all begins with what one small step. That is an attitude of the will, tell yourself I am going to take a small step today. I am going to do that. It all begins with one small step.

Gary S:
Well, I have been in the communications business long enough and I've used enough plane metaphors on this podcast to know the plane's landed and that's the last word that we should share for today from the mouth of both the founder of Crucible Leadership and the one who's lived through it. I usually often close the episode by running through some takeaways. And I'm just going to read through this list of takeaways from the blog that Warwick has written on this subject of how to fight through fatigue in a crucible context. So, usually I give one, two, three takeaways, here we're going to give seven takeaways. Step one is take one small step. Step two is, don't forget the vision. Step three, celebrate each small step. Step four, learn through your crucible. As you're going through your crucible, learn the lessons of your crucible. Really important. Five, cultivate an attitude of hope. Six, have a cheerleading squad. Seven, cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

Gary S:
Those sevens steps taken roughly in that order, but you may find as you're walking through it, there's a different order that works for you. But one of the things to remember as you're taking these steps, these aren't disconnected tips in the sense of try this here, try this here, try this here, maybe do this, skip that one. What Warwick's laid out for us here is really a roadmap, where each time your engine gets a little more fuel, the flywheel gets a little more energy and it pushes you through the fatigue that you're feeling about your crucibles. And the beautiful part of that is once you're past that fatigue, once that dissipates like black clouds being lifted, once you're through that, that's when you really begin to walk on that road to what we call a life of significance. On that subject, listen to one way that you can take a first step, the first step that you can take if you're unsure of what that first step might be is go to crucibleleadership.com and there we have a life of significance assessment.

Gary S:
You can answer very few questions, a few questions and you will be given tailored just for you, some results that will tell you as we've talked about this journey on the road to a life of significance. We'll show you where you are on that journey. We'll also give you some insight into your personality type as you're going through this. Where are you at personally? Are you an imagineer? Are you a world changer? What's the qualities of your personality where you're at on the journey? So you'll find out where you're at, you'll find out who you are, as you're at that point in the journey. And then most importantly, you will be given some tips, you will be given some takeaway tangible action steps you can take to continue the language we've been discussing here to continue powering yourself through the flywheel down the road to the life that you want to live. The life that you want to live that's on purpose and dedicated to helping others. So until the next time that we're together, thank you so much for spending this time with us.

Gary S:
Thank you for trusting us with your crucibles, for turning to us and to Warwick's insight and experience and aptitude to help you along the way of what the next step will be. And remember, as you take that first step, which then will lead to the second step, which then will lead to the third step. And if you're like J.K. Rowling, it could lead to a 13th step. That's good. Remember, as you go through that, that the crucible that you're in right now, even though it may feel bottomless, even though it may feel like you're fatigued by it, remember that that crucible, no matter how long it's been going on and how tiring it's been, is not the end of your story. That crucible can be the beginning of your story. And it can be a great beginning of your story. Because once you learn the lessons as you continue down that road, that road that you're on leads to something that you can't put a dollar figure on, that will bring you the most fulfillment that you can find. And that is your destination will be a life of significance.

Life can be exhausting.  Certainly this year, 2020, has been exhausting.  Between COVID-19 and the election in the U.S. and the strain it put on the national dialogue and personal relationships, who can’t wait for 2020 to be over? More generally, you may have been through a professional or personal crisis.  You have been fired or lost your business.  You may have lost a loved one, or someone you love may be battling an illness.  When you feel the bottom of your crucible seems to never end, how do you keep going?  How do you find the strength to keep going when there seems to be no end in sight?

Here’s a seven-step roadmap to help you move past your crucible fatigue:

1. Take One Small Step

With life feeling so overwhelming, what one small step can you take today that is a positive step forward?  No matter how small, think of something that will be beneficial.

2. Don’t Forget Your Vision

As you are taking one small step at a time, don’t forget the vision you are moving toward.  That is key.  Each step must take you one small step toward achieving your goal.  Whether it is professional or personal.  If you have been fired, you might take this as an opportunity to reflect on what direction you want to go in life.  Maybe you want to change careers.  So today you might start journaling about what you want in life and your career.  And don’t forget: Reflection should precede action.  Before you go out seeking a new job, reflect and journal first.  One small step. For a personal challenge, it might be different.  In the case of loss of a loved one, for instance, what can you do today that you would enjoy?  Maybe it is a walk with a friend, reminiscing about the joy you had being with your loved one. Maybe it is doing something you enjoy that is about making you a little bit happy even for a moment.  Yes, there is the grieving process, but think of one thing you can do today that will be positive and helpful to you.

3. Celebrate Each Small Step

As you take a positive step forward, no matter how small celebrate it.  It is a win.  Each step is a win.  Remember one small win at a time adds up to a bigger win.  When you look back and see several days of small wins, it begins to create momentum that can move you past your fatigue.  As you look back at several weeks or several months, you will see how far you have come.  Perhaps you are becoming a different person; you have evolved in a positive way.

4. Learn Through Your Crucible

As you begin to take positive small steps forward and celebrate them, reflect on what you might learn from this crucible time.  If you were fired, perhaps there were reasons.  Perhaps there are some insights you might be able to apply to your next job.  You might have thought you knew all the answers.  You were the expert and so you didn’t need to listen.  How you will you learn from this experience?  What will you do differently next time?  History does tend to repeat itself.  What part of your history do you not want to repeat?  For a personal crucible the learning may be different.  Perhaps you might learn that you are stronger than you thought you were.  Even though the personal loss is devastating, you are more resilient than you knew.  Perhaps it might make you take stock and reflect on what is really important to you in life as you move forward.

5. Cultivate an Attitude of Hope

Even though you are tired and worn out, as you take one small step at a time, try to be hopeful and optimistic.  We are often what we believe.  Think of how tomorrow could be better than today.  Think of the positive steps we can take.  This is not naive hopefulness, but a decision of the will to think positively.  Thinking negatively will only bring you down.  Why go there?

6. Have a Cheerleading Squad

It might feel a bit hokey to have friends who are cheering you on saying, “You’re awesome!  You’re wonderful! You can do it!” But as cheesy as it might sound, it does work.  These are friends who genuinely believe in what they are saying.  When you get down, such friends pick you up and keep you moving forward.  When you have made a small win, they are there to celebrate with you; and importantly to remind you that you have achieved a small win and that you need to celebrate.

7. Have an Attitude of Gratitude

It may be a cliche, but having a grateful heart and a grateful attitude fills your heart and soul with positive energy.  Complaining and whining, however understandable, does not serve you.  Why wouldn’t you want to pick the path that serves you and fuels you?  Pick the grateful path.  Reflect on the blessings you have.  It could be your spouse or partner, or your kids.  Perhaps it is friends.  Perhaps it is the achievements you have made or the people you have helped; or the people who have helped you.  Be grateful for these opportunities.  When you have a grateful heart, the world does not seem so bad.  It will give you more energy to take the next step.

Coming out of a dark place, a challenging crucible, is not easy.  The road may not be short.  But the road to coming back from your crucible, even to lessening the sense of fatigue and hopelessness, begins with ONE SMALL STEP.  Each small positive step builds on the next.  Pretty soon you will have a flywheel of positive small steps.  Perhaps some of your cheerleading team will be part of your team to help a budding vision you are having come to reality.  A vision, be it small or large, is birthed out of one positive small step.  What one positive small step will you take today that years from now you will look back and celebrate?  This was the step that led me to where I am now.

Reflection


To explore Beyond the Crucible resources, including our free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment, visit beyondthecrucible.com.

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👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/

Her resume is wildly impressive: best-selling author, award-winning screenwriter, successful entrepreneur, celebrated fitness trainer and health activist — she even won Miss Congeniality at the Miss California USA pageant. But Kimberly Spencer’s accomplishments hid her demons — bulimia, trying to be who others wanted and expected her to be, a victim of emotional self-sabotage. When she realized she had the power to crown herself whole, she stopped breaking off pieces of her personal and professional selves to fit into others’ boxes. That revelation has led to a career as an internationally acclaimed speaker and high-performance coach who helps audiences and clients reassemble the diamonds within and build lives of joy and significance.

For more information about Kimberly Spencer, visit www.crownyourself.com

Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.

Have a question or comment? Drop us a line at info@beyondthecrucible.com

👉 Don’t forget to subscribe for more leadership and personal growth insights: https://www.youtube.com/@beyondthecrucible

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👉 Follow Warwick on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/warwickfairfax/

👉 Follow Beyond the Crucible on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beyondthecrucible

👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/

Transcript

Warwick F:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.

Kimberly S:
It's kind of like if you smashed a diamond, right? So you get to the point when you're forming this diamond, when you find it, it's this mucky dirty rock, and you got to have those cuts and those shapes and those things. But what happens when life, the drill, whatever, cracks that diamond and splits it to where that it's no longer this beautiful, perfect, shiny rock, but something happened where it like the laser broke it. Well, you still have a diamond, it just needs to be refined and cut. It needs to be perfected again.

Gary S:
Have you ever felt like that, like a diamond blown apart, that what you thought made you valuable was gone in an instant? If so, you'll find some encouragement and insight to discover your true value, your unique vision in today's episode. Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the show and the Communications Director for Crucible Leadership. And today our guest is Kimberly Spencer, an award-winning high-performance coach and trainer, Amazon bestselling co-author, international motivational speaker and the founder of crownyourself.com. Where she helps visionary leaders build their empire and stand out in their full potential in their bodies, in their businesses and in their relationships. Kimberly is proof of something we can't say enough here at Beyond the Crucible, that it's better to make your own mold than to conform to someone else's.

Warwick F:
Well, Kimberly, thanks so much. I'd love to talk here in a bit about what you do in helping people and women in particular, throw off limiting beliefs, just finding their own story and their own journey in Crown Yourself. But tell us a bit about yourself now. You're obviously from the US but you're not in the US right now, so tell folks where you are.

Kimberly S:
We are currently in the Gold Coast of Australia. My husband was appearing in the Gold Coast, ironically, with the cast of the Walking Dead for a convention back in March when the pandemic was starting. And we just decided if we're going to be on lockdown, we would prefer to have the beach as our backyard. So we rented an Airbnb and have been bebopping in Airbnbs ever since, which has been about seven months of a lot of fun and a lot of growth. And it's such a beautiful time. We could not have picked a better place and space for us to be. Things are opening back up then my son actually gets to go to pre-kinder where he can hug other children, because that kid is a hugger.

Warwick F:
Now, how many kids do you have?

Kimberly S:
Just him for right now.

Warwick F:
And he's how old?

Kimberly S:
Three.

Warwick F:
Three. Okay, wow. So this wasn't like a planned, permanent move to Australia. You were just kind of stuck there so to speak on the Gold Coast, which in Queensland sort of semi-tropical beaches, they're probably worse places to be stuck than the Gold Coast.

Gary S:
Yeah, that doesn't sound like being stuck to me.

Kimberly S:
Yeah, we call it stuck by choice when people ask, when you get stuck at it. We did have plane tickets back, but instead we put my parents on those plane tickets and said, we'll stay here, so.

Warwick F:
At some point, you are going to move back to the US.

Kimberly S:
Yeah, at some point, perhaps, but it's always been my husband and my vision to travel around the world and to have online businesses and to be able to work from wherever and specifically to be able to allow our children to be raised by experiences of different cultures, instead of just reading about them in a book. And that's something that's very important for me. And so this vision, it took a lot of faith and courage. And as I just said on another call earlier today, I said, trust really is my word for 2020 of just, it's kind of like bungee jumping. Like I've bungee jumped once before in my life, when I really felt a need to throw myself off a building, but I wanted to survive. So I said, hey, let's do bungee jumping. And there is this moment when you're bungee jumping and like, it takes the act of courage, like of leaping off of a platform to be able to then perilously plunge toward the ground.

Kimberly S:
And there's a moment of surrender and trust that, that rope is going to catch you. And when it does, it's the most freeing and yet supportive feeling I've ever had where suddenly you're flying through the air because you know you are fully 100% supported. But it took a plunge to get there in essence, where you didn't know if you were going to hit the cement and have a really bad accident or fly through the air with the greatest of ease and that's really what 2020 has felt like for me of like giant leaps of faith and of really learning to trust where certainty lives in my body and what certainty feels like.

Kimberly S:
And what I mean by certainty is like the world around us can like throw us curve balls obviously, thanks to 2020 we all know that. But with the curve balls, there is a certainty that you can cultivate through those experiences that I've spent my life cultivating. That is a certainty that no matter what happens, you can figure it out. When I felt like staying in the Gold Coast would be the best for me, the best for my husband, the best for my family, I said, let's stay here. Let's do this.

Kimberly S:
And I remember having a conversation with my husband. I said like, "Where are you on the decision scale?" Because for me, once I make a decision, there's no going back. Like that's like, but I have to be at 100%. That decision is made in my soul and in my gut and I know where it lives in my body. And I was talking to my husband, he said he was like 90% there. I said, "If you're not 100% then we go home." I said, "Because I can't be the only one who's certain, because this is, it's not just me who's staying. It's ..."

Warwick F:
Those are very wise words that have good marriage advice. Make sure you're both on the same page. You're both committed and be willing to give up, not like give up, but just, I don't know if the word is compromise, but just you give the other person the freedom to say yes, when you say, I really want to do this, but if you are not with this, then let's not do it. It actually increases the chance they'll say yes, ironically.

Kimberly S:
Yeah, and he wanted to do it, he just wasn't certain 100% because it was that act of faith. And then finally he took about an hour. He really sat with himself, he got quiet and he came back, he was like a 100%, let's stay.

Warwick F:
Life is an adventure. So you obviously live that, which is awesome. So let's go back a bit. And from what I understand, you grew up in Los Angeles area, San Fernando Valley, no less, which I guess, was valley girl or whatever came from that. I'm sure not everybody's like that because ...

Kimberly S:
Yes, I have worked hard to lose my valley girl accent.

Warwick F:
Oh, you probably never had one.

Kimberly S:
But it does flip out after a couple of glasses of wine.

Warwick F:
So tell us about growing up. I understand you, like a number of people, you had some challenges that made it a bit difficult to figure out who you were and self-sabotage. So talk a bit about some of that growing up, because I think that sets the scene of who you are now and what you're passionate about.

Kimberly S:
Yeah. It really did set the scene because I grew up with my dad who ... my parents are the most generous human beings. And yet they like everyone has their own demons and my dads was addiction. And so growing up with an addict and my mom was the quintessential co-dependent who really didn't want to deal with feelings because they were messy. So she would just, she had like what I call ostrich syndrome. She would just pop her head in the sand, everything's fine.

Kimberly S:
And for me, I think that we're blessed with the children that we need to highlight parts of us that we've kind of lost. I know that with my own journey into motherhood, my son has just blessed me with this unshakable compassion that I see an empathy that he has is just, is profound. And so I think I was blessed to my parents to remind them of feeling, and that there is safety and actually freedom in allowing yourself to process and go through all of the feelings and emotions and whatnot.

Kimberly S:
But it took me a long time to get to this point because I saw my dad, he would escape from his feelings of shame and guilt and anger and rage. And my mom would pretend like they didn't exist. I mean, when I was a kid, I was very emotional. It was a very emotional kid because injustice just bothered me to my core and hypocrisy specifically. And so when I would see hypocritical behavior in my parents, I would kind of feel this like rage of just like, I feel like I just wanted to shake them. Not only just because of the hypocrisy, but because I saw their potential.

Kimberly S:
That's always been something that I've been able to see in others that like many of my clients that I work with now, when they come out on the other side and they're like, "Oh my God, Kim, did you imagine that this was possible for me?" And I was like, "Yeah, I saw it from the beginning. Like there was no doubt in my mind that you could not achieve that." Like it's just, I see potential and I see possibility in everyone. So when I grew up, I had my dad who was the addict, but I also had the moments when he was sober. So I say that I grew up with four dads, which was great because it did teach me sensory acuity at a very young age-

Warwick F:
When you say four dads, how do you mean?

Kimberly S:
Yeah. So I grew up with the asshole alcoholic dad. The painkiller popping manic dad who would go on wild whirlwind shopping sprees and bring home tons of random crap. The stoner dad who was really laid back, just super supportive, just kind of just chill, would just hang out on the couch. And then the really cool sober dad who would take me to the park and was really, really, always supportive and taught me some of my greatest pieces of entrepreneurial advice, because even though my dad was an addict, he was able to build a multi-million dollar company through his addiction.

Kimberly S:
So I was like, if you could do that while drunk, like imagine what your potential, like just the untapped potential. And that's the thing that just makes me this such a warrior for possibility and a warrior for potential is when I see that potential, that's really being sabotaged by ourselves in many ways. That fear of really stepping into that unknown and into that all that you really could be. And it does come from having those feelings and being able to experience those emotions of fear and shame and guilt, and then moving into courage and then taking those acts of courage every single day.

Warwick F:
So how did that look like for you because I know, I understand that you had some periods of self-sabotage, maybe some, I don't know, if eating disorders the right word, but some obviously having a dad with no sense four personality types that you don't need to be a psychologist to know it's not good for kids. Which dad am I going to have? I mean, I don't have that kind of a parenting experience a little bit in terms of, who am I going to see now? So I have a little bit of understanding of that, not at the same level. But talk about how does self-sabotage look for you at the time?

Kimberly S:
Well, for me, my form of self-sabotage was not understanding what to do with all these big emotions. Like I saw my dad escape from them. I saw my mom suppress them and repress them and pretend like they didn't exist. And meanwhile, like there I was with all these feelings and I didn't have any way of processing them. And my way of processing them did become bulimia. If you think about it in a metaphorical standpoint, like I would shove all my feelings down and then I would explode. And that was the feeling and the pattern that I was used to for years growing up in my household.

Kimberly S:
It's like eventually, eventually the lid would come off. Eventually you can't escape from it, from your feelings forever. So eventually there would be a moment of like volcanic release. And that was just how I learned how to control that was in a way of binge-ing and purging, which is not obviously healthy. And the biggest belief that I struggled with was being enough because I thought maybe if I was smart enough, then my dad would stop drinking. Maybe if I was skinny enough, then my dad would change. Maybe if I was this, maybe if I was that. So it was always this constant fear of being enough when it was never my stuff to be enough or like, yeah.

Warwick F:
I mean, you obviously, have a lot of clients and friends who've probably been through similar circumstances. Do you feel that you see this pattern of when the people are broken around you somehow as a kid, you think, well, it's my fault. As crazy as that ... because how could it possibly be your fault? It's not your fault, but somehow I don't pretend to fully understand it, but you've seen that I imagine. Did you feel that in some weird sense that it was your fault which just sounds crazy?

Kimberly S:
It does sound crazy. And in doing the research for my book I stumbled upon this really interesting principle called the just world bias. And what I've seen from high achiever is, especially high achievers that instead of taking that more victim mindset where they blame everybody else outside of them, high achievers are very skilled specifically at putting themselves in that sort of villain standpoint, where they put themselves at fault and they take responsibility for things that aren't their responsibility, like other people and other people's feelings.

Kimberly S:
And what I found was this thing called the just world bias, which we all have. And we see it in the news nowadays with like when a woman gets raped, then people say, oh, she must have been asking for it or oh, she must've deserved it, or oh, it must've been her skirt or something ridiculous like that. And it's really our toddler brains have this like desire to be, for the world to be fair. I mean, I hear it with my son of like, oh, that's not fair. And I'm like, oh, so that's where it comes from?

Kimberly S:
Our toddlers have got, like and our subconscious minds are like toddlers. So when we are the victim of events, whether in childhood or in adulthood, and I've had both, that are unexplainable things and acts of human cruelty that aren't our fault, but that are this period where we can either hold onto it and hold on to like, what happened? That what happens with this just world bias is it's our belief that it is our fault, that we must've done something to deserve it. And especially with high achievers who are incredibly skilled at putting themselves at fault for things that aren't their fault, then it's like, just like when we hear those things of that woman getting raped or whatnot, and somebody says, oh, she must've deserved it because she must have had the skirt or whatever, but that's our brains doing the same thing to us because we're putting ourselves-

Warwick F:
And the crazy thing is people do say that.

Kimberly S:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
I would say more so in times past and more so in certain cultures, which it's hard to think how people don't say that, but they do say that certainly in times gone by and other places. There's this phrase, I understand you mention that, see if, I don't know if I'm accurately quoting it, but you felt broken and something about breaking off pieces of yourself to fit into other people's mold. I mean, that's a fascinating thought. Talk about what you mean by that about breaking off pieces to fit into other people's mold.

Kimberly S:
So, because I didn't feel enough, I felt like I had to conform to being what other people wanted and maybe that would be enough. So once I started to heal myself from bulimia, which I did with no psychological or medical intervention, I then realized that our, the deep stuff, like those beliefs around what we deserve our worth, our enough-ness, they'll merge into a different form if they're not dealt with in that original thing. So while I healed a lot of it with my body and I felt finally enough in my body at the age of 22, I was able to walk down, the moment that I walked down the Miss California pageant runway in front of a crowd of 5,000 in my bathing suit, I felt free.

Kimberly S:
I felt that was where I really crowned myself in essence, where I just, I stood on that stage and I felt like the body, I got this. Like my body, I built up the trust with my body again. I had really transformed my perceptions of my body. The problem was, is I had the three deep seated beliefs of worthiness, of enough-ness, of deserving, they then jumped forms into my relationships. And so in my romantic relationships, I would be very skilled at playing the part that I thought the other person needed to love me.

Warwick F:
It's almost like a sort of a marketing concept. What brand does that person want? I can be that brand. I can be that person who they'll like. I mean, it's, which may work in business, but it's certainly not a good idea in relationships.

Kimberly S:
And it doesn't work in your soul, like your heart, your gut, your soul knows when your BS-ing yourself. But that was also, I grew very skilled at that because just from my childhood experiences, I knew I would have to adapt my behavior for the alcoholic dad or adapt my behavior differently for the stoner dad, or like, I learned very quickly how to adapt my behavior, so I adapted in my relationships to the behavior that I thought my partners wanted.

Kimberly S:
So maybe they didn't want the silly side or like the ambitious side. So I would hide those parts of myself and it was suffocating. And it just got to the point where I remember it was two hours before I met my forever husband, and I was praying as I was driving to this networking event. And I was like, good Lord, I just want to be authentic and I want to travel. Those are the two things I wanted.

Warwick F:
That's a two interesting concepts, authenticity and travel.

Kimberly S:
Yeah. And so I remember when my husband sauntered up to me at the bar and he said, "Hi, my name is Spike." And I said, "Hi, my name is Kim." And he said, "Kim, I got one question for you." I said, "What's that?" And he said, "Are you single?" And I said, "Well." At the time I was in a relationship, but it was one of those, it's complicated relationships. It wasn't really going that well. And I said, "I guess you could say I'm in a, it's complicated." He said, "Great, at least I'm not barking up the wrong tree, let's grab a drink."

Kimberly S:
So we grabbed a drink and we started talking. And I remember there were moments where I had to summon the courage to keep that commitment that I had made just a couple hours earlier, where I knew that I could easily fall into default behavior of agreeing that, sure. I like '80s music. I don't like '80s music.

Gary S:
Oh, no. Oh, no.

Kimberly S:
Except Depeche Mode. I am a Depeche Mode, like I have converted to Depeche Mode, but-

Warwick F:
I have to say just really briefly. I was on somebody else's podcast and one of their questions was, what's your favorite '80s artists? And I must've given the right one because I said, "I can't really think of any, I'm not really an '80s person," so go figure. But-

Gary S:
I'm sorry, Kimberly, I cut you off in a very important point just because I'm an '80s music fan.

Kimberly S:
Great, it's all good.

Warwick F:
Which one of us gave the right answer? Anyway, go ahead. So you risk your future.

Kimberly S:
Gary was horrified, how could you not be into the '80s music?

Warwick F:
So there you are with your future husband and you're almost about to say I love '80s music.

Kimberly S:
Yeah. And I was almost about to say, just hide the fact that I'd been previously married because that was something I felt deep shame about running off with a Navy man and then getting divorced nine months later. I was incredibly ashamed about that. But I said, I remember the moment, it started with '80s music and then it just kind of spiraled out of there where I did everything that you're not supposed to do in a relationship where I just kind of baggage dumped.

Kimberly S:
I said, "Yeah, this is me. This is what I've done. This is what I'm really not proud of. This is how I grew up. This is what happened. You like what you see?" And he was ... my husband had gone through his own crucible with his ex-wife being unfaithful and untruthful, and he loved it, he loved the authenticity.

Warwick F:
See that, that's the sort of thing. I mean, I know we haven't really talked about it, faith perspective, but from my faith perspective, sometimes if you're honest with yourself and with the other person, the Lord honors that in some way. And if you would just put on the mask, Kimberly and figure out, okay, which Kimberly shall I pull out of which drawer, the funny, the extrovert, the smart, the ambitious, he might've said, you know what? Bye, not interested. I mean, who's to know, but it's possible, right?

Kimberly S:
Yeah. It's definitely possible. I think, because we know when we're BS-ing ourselves and other people feel it too. Like if you know, then what is the energy that you're putting out there into the world where people are just like, I don't know, there's something about you, but I don't know. I don't know what that is.

Warwick F:
So I'd love to hear what you're doing now, but just as we kind of transition, I mean, you've done a lot of things. I mean, while you were, maybe from a health and physical standpoint, you felt good, but you mentioned there were other sides, there was pieces you were still trying to figure out, but you weren't just sitting around. I mean, whether it's Ms. California and everybody's seen the movie Miss Congeniality, but you actually won that award, which just briefly tell folks what that is because I think of the movie and it's probably not quite that ... Tell us what that is.

Kimberly S:
So Miss Congeniality, I won it in the Miss Teenage California pageant and it's funny because I won it and I was so excited because it came with a scholarship and everything. And then I dropped out of college two weeks before I was supposed to start. So I didn't get to collect the scholarship, but it's basically for the friendliest person in the audience. And it was one I remember because pageants, I got into pageants when I was 15 and that was like right in the heyday of my eating disorder.

Kimberly S:
But part of my eating disorder was the fact that I didn't have peers around me that mirrored my ambition, that mirrored my drive and my desire to serve. I was running for class president and I remember I expected to like end at least hunger in Los Angeles within the year. So I have been unthinkably optimistic since forever and I always can find a silver lining in pretty much anything, including all my past experiences that I've been through. And I've been through some pretty gnarly ones. But the beautiful thing is that ... Oh Gary, did you have something to say?

Gary S:
I was going to say, to Warwick's point when he was talking about all the things that you've done. I mean, I read the intros to all the guests we have on the show and it was hard to breathe at some points because there's this-

Warwick F:
What?

Gary S:
There's so much stuff there and you didn't even put it all in your bio. You, for instance, some other things that people may not know about you, that you have on your website, that you co-wrote a hardcore, a motocross movie called Bro. And you have still have yet to ride a dirt bike. Your favorite color is glitter. Okay, we could have gleaned that a little bit. My favorite one that you have listed here, Kimberly and we've talked about this, you do your best writing while listening to movie scores from superhero films.

Gary S:
So I just want you to know that today I dressed for the occasion in my own, if you're watching it on YouTube, I have an iron man t-shirt on. And then I've got an enormous iron man pin on there as well. And you didn't even mention your experience with Shark Tank. So you've done all of these things. You pitched something on Shark Tank and-

Kimberly S:
Well, not on the ... I pitched something to the first round of Shark Tank auditions. So it was not like, I didn't actually pitch to the sharks. Our products got featured in Times Square and then the casting director actually for the Shark Tank auditions lived right down the street from my office, from my eCommerce company. And he'd seen the product and he was like, come in for the audition. And so I brought the product and I pitched it.

Kimberly S:
And I don't know what happened after that because a week, I think it was two weeks later, my partner said he wanted to buy me out, so that caused that split. And that was my own crucible in itself because that buyout was the first time I'd ever ... First of all, it was three months before my wedding. And so I was dealing for the first time in my life with lawyers and they don't send nice emails.

Warwick F:
No.

Gary S:
No.

Kimberly S:
They don't typically send lovely, loving, like emails that are full of support. It's just like, it was the first time I'd ever had my integrity called into check, or my capabilities called into question, or my background or my education experience. None of which was called into question when I first joined the company. So we ended up signing the buyout agreement three weeks before I got married and just because I didn't want to deal with lawyers on my honeymoon. And I came up with the idea for Crown Yourself actually when I was in Italy because I was wondering like, what the F am I going to be doing when I get back home? Because-

Warwick F:
And before you get to Crown Yourself, just to finish what Gary was saying, what's amazing is you mentioned that film, Bro. You had a Pilates studio, I think Fitness with Kim. You run four marathons. I mean my gosh, it exhausts me just thinking about-

Kimberly S:
Five.

Warwick F:
... running one. I mean it's ... You created, I guess the stretching device with Shark Tank. I mean, you were kind of going full throttle. I mean you were kind of going at it. But as you were going at it, you were probably, were you trying to figure out, okay, who am I and trying to be authentic and hence Crown Yourself was birthed out? So talk about Crown Yourself and how that linked to all of these things you were doing because you were driven and from the world's perspective you were succeeding. What's not to be proud of? I mean, what's the problem. You're going full throttle and doing incredible things.

Kimberly S:
Thank you.

Warwick F:
But yet, was there something missing as you were doing that or, I mean or ...

Kimberly S:
I think what was missing was alignment. It was alignment, but it was also, I always was allowing myself to follow my curiosity. So I thought for years that it was Hollywood, that it was screenwriting, that it was making movies, that it was becoming this producer and then I would have the income and the impact to be able to serve in the way that I wanted to serve. Well, that was A, a bit more challenging and B, soul sucking to be constantly cast in the role of hot girl number, whatever, where I was like, there's no meat to that story. There's like, that's just some like ditzy girl, that's this like it, I didn't like those roles.

Kimberly S:
I met my co-writing partner at a networking event. I was very entrepreneurial with my show biz endeavor. So I was like networking like a crazy person. And I understood to some degree like entrepreneurship is just building relationships. And so I cultivated relationships and he eventually came to me and he wanted me to produce this movie that he had no script. And I said, "Well, how about me?" And so I'd always been really good at making very audacious asks early on. And so I made the audacious ask, he said, "Great, write 10 pages of a scene, we'll pass it off to the executive producer."

Kimberly S:
I wrote 10 pages of three guys that walk into a strip club. I got the notes back with like, "How do you know what happens in men's minds?" And I was like, three guys in a strip club, ain't that hard? But so I wrote this thing that nobody expected. Like I love surprising people and doing things that nobody expects. And I also love transformative stories. So this movie was at least the opportunity that I could write a story about a young kid who's trying to fit in with the cool crowd.

Kimberly S:
So it wasn't about motocross, it was about acceptance. I understand that on an emotional level, because I had just gone through a breakup with the first boyfriend, the first love of my life. That was because he was trying to be accepted into this other crowd that I was like, whoa, that's not a crowd I want to hang with.

Warwick F:
As you were doing all these things, how did you get to a point where you found kind of the real Kimberly and you're able to be yourself? I mean, do all these fabulous things. You haven't stopped being adventurous. You haven't stopped being driven, which is great. But somehow I feel like what you're doing now, what you're teaching other people and other women to do is different. So talk about it because it feels nuanced, because on the outside it may look like, well Kimberly's life is not really that much different, but yet it is in some sense, isn't it?

Kimberly S:
It's different because I know what business I'm really in. And I mean, that is like my purpose. And no matter what form it took, whether it was screenwriting or being the president of an eCommerce company or my fitness, every single one of those businesses was the business of transforming people's stories because I had to transform my own. When I was transforming, I transformed people's stories through writing that film. Like when I was approached by the mother of this boy who saw the film and changed his life because of that film that I co-wrote, like that was amazing.

Kimberly S:
And when I heard that, I was like that, that is what I want, to transform people's stories because when I had that dream achieved, I was like, I was surprised. I've always had this very strong internal dialogue ever since I recovered from bulimia where I was surprised that I was only 90% fulfilled. I was like, this was a dream that I'd waited for a decade to manifest into reality. And suddenly it was there. And my name was on the big screen and it was a moment instead.

Kimberly S:
Two weeks later, when I hear from the mother of this boy who came to the premiere, that her son changed his life. That moment, I was like, that's what I want to do. And that was the same reason as to why I got into teaching Pilates as well, because I wanted to transform people's stories about their bodies because Pilates transformed my own story about my body.

Warwick F:
It's interesting as you say that because in Crucible Leadership we talk about, life's about living a life of significance, which we define as a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. And what we say a lot is nothing wrong with being successful, but success in of itself is not really satisfying. It's like, okay, you reached the top of the mountain. It's like, well, then what, right? Ants crawling up an anthill, you reach at the top and it's like, okay, well now what?

Warwick F:
There's nothing wrong with it, but when your perspective is, I'm here to serve others. I'm here to help that, talk with that mother and the boy who saw the movie, helping people in Pilates classes, that to me brings joy. We all want joy in life. We all want a joy filled life, a joy filled marriage, joy filled family. But when you're ... It feels like you're using your talents and your ability and your drive in the service of others. I mean, is that fair? I mean, do you feel like, as you're doing that, that is bringing you joy?

Kimberly S:
Oh, 100%. Like having been able to grow Crown Yourself and serve the people that I have been blessed with to serve through the community that I've built has been one of the greatest experiences. It took a ton of courage because after I was bought out of my company, I definitely had my doubts. I had my fears, I questioned everything because that's like, I'd had such fear. But after a year and a half, it was when I found out I was pregnant, that I was just like, I know that I'm meant to serve on such a bigger level than just teaching fitness or than just helping people with their back pain.

Kimberly S:
Like I want full on transformation. Like one of my clients, she texted me. She's like, Oh my gosh, her daughter finally got back in touch with her after years of distance. She'd gotten divorced from a crappy marriage. She'd moved into a beautiful home. She'd found alignment in her business. I was like that, that is what I live for, the fact that she was no longer living someone else's life of what someone said that she should be doing, and instead, actually in her 50s started leading the life that she always dreamed of living and fully living it. And that-

Warwick F:
There's an important point in what you're saying, Kimberly, that I want listeners to hear is there's nothing wrong with running a Pilates studio-

Kimberly S:
No.

Warwick F:
... and that's great. But for you, you felt like not a higher calling, but maybe for you, it felt like playing small. Not that it is playing small for everybody, but for Kimberly, it felt like there was another mission, another journey and you wanted to be faithful to it, in a bit like bungee jumping, you mentioned earlier, not being afraid to jump, right?

Kimberly S:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
And listeners really need to hear that is, don't settle. Don't settle for something you know, yeah, I'm doing fine, but there's more to life than doing fine. There might be a bigger mission. Something that is really calling you, beckoning you. Listen to that voice. Take that leap. Don't just settle. I think that's kind of what I'm hearing. And in your approach with Crown Yourself, I know there's three components, including eliminating negative self-talk and creating high-performance patterns, helping support change and growth. Talk about some of these elements. And certainly one of the keys, I think from what you've mentioned is eliminating that negative self-talk. Talk about why that's so foundational to changing your story, to crowning yourself in the best sense of that word.

Kimberly S:
Well, I think a lot of times beliefs are like wardrobes, but a lot of times we get stuck in the same outdated clothes that we don't realize are outdated until we recognize that they're not really fitting in with the rest of the surroundings or they don't look anything like how we want them, we think we look. And so, one of the things that it's less about, it is about eliminating the negative self-talk. But I think there's always going to be that voice of fear or doubt that just, it's there for our survival and making friends with it in a way of understanding that why it's there is really important. Because when we know that it's there for our survival, then we can see where it's trying to keep us small so that it thinks it's keeping us safe.

Warwick F:
Right.

Kimberly S:
And courage, acts of courage, it takes courage to sometimes just start by questioning it. There is power in our questions. And so as a coach, what I do is I just start asking people questions that they've never thought to question before. Questioning their beliefs. Questioning their habits. Questioning what they're doing and why they're doing what they're doing, and how they could maybe do it differently to then work back from the goal of who they want to become instead of working toward it from their perspective of where they are now.

Warwick F:
Right. Just understanding what are your beliefs. I'm sure you ask them, is this belief, is this emotion, is it serving you? I'm sure that's, you probably delve into that and just helping. You're right, I mean, primitive people, I mean, there was a reason for fear, the saber tooth tiger is coming and you got to run, climb a tree, run into a cave. I mean, there's a reason, they can serve you. But on the other hand, some of those negative emotions can bind you up and just stop you growing and moving. So you help folks unpackage that, is that kind of part of it?

Kimberly S:
Unpackage that, and also examine the stories that they're telling themselves. I'd question always very frequently, the big one that I question the stories of being busy, because life will expand to meet you where you choose to expand, but that means you need space to expand and grow. And if you're constantly telling yourself that you're the story of busy and I did this, so that's why I know it so personally like the story of such busy-ness, that I'm so busy, then there's no space for that expansion.

Warwick F:
There's no space to change or to grow.

Kimberly S:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
Like you can say, oh, I'm so busy. I'm running my Pilates studio and it's doing great. I don't have time to think about anything else. While that maybe wouldn't serve you and you obviously took a different path in which you took time, in some sense to examine what is that I want? Who am I? Where do I want to go? Some of those big questions.

Kimberly S:
Yeah. And when I started really looking at my schedule, I was like, I'm not that busy. Like I'm busy, but I'm not that busy. And am I busy doing the on-purpose things? Am I busy doing the things that really move the needle? And that's the key is so often we'll busy ourselves with things that we think we're supposed to be doing or should be doing, or that are the things that we ... like there's almost this like pride in how long your to do list is, with a lot of high achievers that I see kind of stay stuck.

Warwick F:
What you just said is so profound. I want listeners to get this. You said, "Are you busy with the things that are serving your purpose?" Or something to that effect. And I think 90% of people, they don't ask that question. I'm sure a lot of your clients that you chat to and talk to, it's like hmm, gee, I don't know.

Kimberly S:
I was really blessed to learn that lesson early.

Gary S:
This is a great time to do what I like to say, talk about landing the plane. I heard the captain, the little bell that goes off and the plane. He's asked us to fasten our seat belts because that was a very excellent point. And I've been wanting to ask you this, the entire time that we've been together here Kimberly, because what you've just described, what Warwick has framed up for listeners as well, is that your life from the outside looking in, people who would have known you before you were living as joyfully as you are now. May look at you and say, well, it's not that different. Kimberly's still working hard and working fast and her to-do list is long.

Gary S:
And there's one thing that you wrote about a nickname your husband has for you that I think is fascinating because I think what it says, it says something very instructive to listeners. You say your husband calls you honeybee because you're always buzzing around. And I want listeners to hear that because Kimberly is still extremely busy. She's still working hard. She's still focused on things, but she's focused by her words on the right things. She's focused on the things that bring her joy, the things that her passions really ignite, the things that help other people that on purpose look to help other people.

Gary S:
And you listener in your crucible experience, as you bounce back, you don't have to do a 180 from what you're doing, right? You certainly haven't done a 180 from the outside looking in, you've got an emotional 180, but in terms of the way you apply yourself, that's the same. And I think that's important for listeners to realize you don't have to reinvent every aspect of yourself. You have to reorient yourself. Is that fair?

Kimberly S:
Very much so. It's like the metaphor of the plane, where if you're flying from New York to Los Angeles, it's those constant checking ins of are you one degree off course? Because one degree off course could land you in San Francisco or Baja, California. So it's those constant check-ins of alignment. Of questioning, is this the highest and best service that I can be doing right now? Like, and I asked that too this morning.

Kimberly S:
I looked at the meetings that I had today, the podcast interviews that I had today, is this the best and highest service that I can be doing right now? Is this me operating in my genius zone? Yes. And I've seen a direct correlation between people's income and the amount of time that they're spending operating in their genius zone rather than busying themselves with all the tasks and all the things and all the stuff that they could be busy with.

Warwick F:
And what you just said again is so profound, is that you tend to think, oh, to be successful I have to put on a certain mask and be a certain person. But we live in light of who we truly are, and we live our authentic selves, all things being equal, you actually might be more successful is counter-intuitive, but it's not, authenticity is not against success. It can be in line with it. There's one, maybe last thing that I'm fascinated by that I heard you say that, when you work with folks you're not focusing on how they're broken, but how they're well.

Warwick F:
And yes, counseling, dealing with some of those negative things are important, but you don't want to just wallow, not wallow, but deal with that. But just, there are parts of us that are actually not broken. They're diamonds or gems. They're parts of us that a beautiful. That's a very different way of thinking, that sometimes even when we're broken, there are parts that are beautiful and well, so what do you mean by that?

Kimberly S:
It's kind of like if you smashed a diamond, right? So you get to the point when you're forming this diamond and when you first find it, it's this mucky dirty rock. And you've got to have those cuts and those shapes and those things. But what happens when life, the drill, whatever, cracks that diamond and splits it to where that it's no longer this beautiful, perfect, shiny rock, but something happened where it like the laser broke it. Well, you still have a diamond, it just needs to be refined and cut. It needs to be perfected again.

Kimberly S:
And so what I constantly tell my community is you're both perfect right now, no matter what you're going through and you can also be perfecting. So it's not an either or scenario, it is an and which is the great paradox for our brains to kind of wrap our heads around that you can both be perfect and enough as you are and can keep growing and can keep perfecting and can keep growing your skillset and can keep improving.

Kimberly S:
And so I see that potential for growth while also seeing them perfect in the moment of whatever it is that they're going through that is true for them. As we work on transforming their perspective around what they are experiencing to see how could they look at that differently so that they could find those growth opportunities and thus sharpen and reform that diamond to be just as beautiful and sparkling as it was, and maybe even better.

Gary S:
I've been in the communications business long enough to know when someone says something like that and there are people listening in, they want to know, how do I get in touch with the person who just said that very profound thing. So Kimberly, how can our listeners find out more about you and Crown Yourself?

Kimberly S:
It's simple. You can go to crownyourself.com. When you hop on my website, you can download my free, You Are Worthy hypnosis, which is a deep subconscious reprogramming to start working on those deeper beliefs of worthiness, enough-ness and deserving. And you can always connect with me on Instagram at kimberly.spencer. Hit me up in the DMs if you love this episode, please take a screenshot of it. I love seeing and responding and being in communication with you. And you can also join our Crown Yourself Facebook community, which is pretty straightforward. It's just search for Crown Yourself and you'll find it.

Gary S:
I found it today, in fact I joined, so.

Kimberly S:
Yay! Awesome, I love having kings as part of the community.

Gary S:
I will see more of you there. Warwick, the plane has landed, but we're still getting up and collecting our bags. So you get one more question that you can ask Kimberly.

Warwick F:
No, I mean just an observation. I love that phrase we're perfect and perfecting. Just the concept you mentioned that we can be successful and authentic. We can be successful and really not trying to be somebody else, but we can just be who we truly are. So it sounds like you're helping others both to be successful, but be comfortable in their own skins, be comfortable with who they are and not as somebody else once said, not faking fine, pretending to be somebody else. But yeah, that phrase, perfect and perfecting, that's I mean, again, I hate to use the P word again. That's very profound. So I love that concept.

Kimberly S:
I love Ps. We got power, princess, it all fits in.

Warwick F:
Well said.

Gary S:
Well, that is the sound of people getting off the plane. So thank you, Kimberly. And for listeners, I want to wrap up with three takeaways from this conversation with Kimberly Spencer that I think will help us all as we look to move beyond our crucibles. The first point would be to remember this, life will throw you curve balls. We call them crucibles here at Crucible Leadership and Beyond the Crucible. But those curve balls cannot just be survived. They can be hit out of the park to continue the baseball metaphor. You can grow and thrive by digging into your faith and your confidence and your tribe, leaning on them. You can set a straight course to a better life, no matter how bendy the circumstances might seem at the time.

Gary S:
Point number two, succinctly put by Kimberly. BS is bad, to yourself and to others. Honesty, transparency, authenticity, lean into these things, manifest those things in all of your relationships. It may be uncomfortable to share your truth. Kimberly gave examples of that. It was very uncomfortable for her in certain times in her life, truly uncomfortable to share her truth, but she did it. Not everyone will applaud you when you do share your truth. But life on the other side of you doing that, of being authentic, of being truthful, of being who you are, life on the other side is worth well, the BS. You have to go through to get there.

Gary S:
And then the third point listener that you can take away from this is, never settled, but strive. If you feel like you've been created for more, if you like what you've done, but you want to love what you do, take it to the next level, take the leap. It takes courage to pursue your vision and passion. Kimberly downloaded kilograms of courage in our interview today. She's found joy by seeking something that helped others. You can find joy in that too. A key way to getting there, as Kimberly said toward the end of our conversation, I love this phrase. A key way to getting there to that joy is operating in your genius.

Gary S:
So listener, until the next time we're together on Beyond the Crucible, thank you for spending time with us. Thank you for digging in to learn how you can learn the lessons of your setbacks and failures and build a better life, a life on purpose, dedicated to serving others. We have a favor, Warwick and I do. If you liked what you heard today with Kimberly, if you've liked what you've heard in the past on the podcast, we encourage you to hit subscribe on the app on which you're listening right now so you'll never miss another episode. We have a new one every week, every Tuesday, we'll drop a new episode. So click subscribe, you'll never be surprised when a new one comes out.

Gary S:
And remember, as we part company here that your crucible experiences are painful. They're tough. They're curve balls, but they're survivable. More than that, I'll make up a word here, they're thrivable. If you learn the lessons of your crucible, if you apply yourself to that, you bring your passion and your vision to the table, it's not the end of your story by far. In fact, it can be the beginning of a new story in your life, a new chapter in your life that can be the most rewarding of all, because it leads to a life of significance.

She baked her first batch of cookies in the California sun at age 3 — with mud as the secret ingredient. Ever since that day, Whitney Singletary-White has dreamed of being a baker, and she’s made that dream come true with her gourmet Nuttin’ Butter Cookies. She sells the exotic nut-butter confections from her driveway these days, rising above the crucible of the COVID-19 pandemic with the same kind of grit that saw her fight back from a brutal assault that almost cost her much more than her business. Her motivation through it all? Building a life of significance with her two boys.

To learn more about Whitney Singletary-White, visit www.nuttinbuttercookies.com

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Have a question or comment? Drop us a line at info@beyondthecrucible.com

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Transcript

Warwick F:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible, I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.

Whitney S:
Help comes in the most unexpected places when you least expect it. At that moment when you feel that you really can't go on, there is always going to be that one person that you wouldn't expect to do it, will reach out and help you. And I find that you can't really fail if you don't keep trying because once you give up, you failed, you're done, that's over. But as long as you're like, I can still make it, you can still get that little bit in there, you can still push through just enough. It's hard, it hurts, but once you get past that moment, you can sit back and go, I made it. I overcomed that. I'm no longer feeling that pain anymore. I'm finally where I need to be. You get yourself out of it. We got to pull ourselves out of the mud sometimes.

Gary S:
Indeed, we do. And the woman who just spoke those words has had to pull herself up out of the mud more than a few times as she's pursued her dreams which began, which were birthed in her at age three. And she tells us about each struggle and most importantly about each triumph along that journey on today's episode.

Gary S:
Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of the show and the communications director for Crucible Leadership. And today's guest is Whitney Singletary White, who is the founder and owner of a fabulous gourmet cookie company in California called Nuttin' Butter Cookies and you'll find out why they're called that as the episode progresses.

Gary S:
And as you'll discover as the episode progresses, nobody can explain Whitney's passion, Whitney's experiences and Whitney's triumphs better than she can with more insight and heart. So I'm going to stop trying and I'm simply going to read by way of introduction the introduction that she provided to Warwick and I for today's episode. And that is this.

Gary S:
My name is Whitney Singletary White. A California native, a newlywed with two sons, a baker with over 20 years experience, founder and owner of a specialty gourmet nut-based cookie shop located in Berkeley, California, established in March 2015.

Warwick F:
Well, Whitney it is so wonderful to have you. I just loved reading a bit about you. You've had a couple of articles and some different things in the San Francisco Bay area so it's super exciting. I have to confess, I have three kids in their 20s and they all know I definitely am a big cookie fan. So just reading about all the different varieties of cookies and every nut I think I've ever heard of, pretty impressive so. It's just so awesome. But before we get a bit into your story and some of the challenges, I'd love to hear a bit about Whitney and just who you are, how you grew up, family, just a little bit about sort of the back story of Whitney Singletary.

Whitney S:
Well, I grew up in Bakersfield, California. And if you know anything about California, Bakersfield is one of those places you want to pass right through and not live in. It's part of the fact it was always so hot. We have all the seasons, but summer is just never ending for some reason and it's just the hottest. But I loved growing up there as a child, it was peaceful, you can leave your doors unlocked, you can walk outside at night barefoot. You wouldn't do it during the day, you'd burn your feet. But it was just one of those things that that's how I grew up.

Whitney S:
I grew up with my mom, she was a single mom. Had me and my little sister and my grandpa was always hands on and my grandma she was kind of there, but she was one of those don't cross her because she'll throw a knife at somebody. I had a nice childhood. It wasn't a lot of chaos and drama and extra going on, it was just I grew up with a family that was bakers and chefs and cooks like my grandpa. He was in World War II and he used to be a cook. And he ended up getting out of the military with a purple heart and he went into business for his self being a chef.

Whitney S:
And my love for being in the kitchen was one of those things like oh, I want to try this, I want to taste this. So it was always in the mix of everybody making anything. I want to know what it is and I want to taste it first and can I help.

Warwick F:
So you really grew up in a family of chefs and bakers and I guess baking is... I know it goes back many generations, but it's literally in your blood. So talk about maybe some of the memories you have of, I don't know, baking with your mom or grandparents or was baking just part of what you did as a family and stuff?

Whitney S:
It was, it's during holiday times we used to do that. My grandpa, he's southern so he was always used to have a bowl of nuts in the shell. And they sold nuts out of the shell, but he liked the old school ones you have to work for it. He says, "It's not good unless you work for it." And I'm like, why can't you just buy them in the can? But I remember sitting around cracking nuts with him. He would take his hands and just crack walnuts. I'm like, gosh, grandpa, use a nutcracker.

Warwick F:
Yeah, who needs a nutcracker when you got grandpa?

Whitney S:
Yeah. So I remember growing up eating his mixed nuts and we would eat cookies and those are my two favorite things. I love cookies, I know. A lot of people want to hear baked goods, they're like, cakes and pies. I'm like, yeah, I can make those, but cookies are my favorite. And nuts are my favorite so naturally it's like I grew up and put them both together. It was just a no brainer, but I remember this one time when I was... I don't remember it, but I remember my mom constantly reminding me of this story when I was three years old I had wanted to play in the kitchen.

Whitney S:
And she was like no, get out of my kitchen, we're not having that. You're not suppose to make a mess with my kitchen. But she didn't say I couldn't bake. So I took all the ingredients out of the kitchen, took them outside to the front yard and I'm mixing the flour and the eggs and the butter with mud.

Gary S:
Hang on a second so that listeners heard that. You were mixing all the ingredients for cookies with what?

Whitney S:
Mud.

Gary S:
Okay, I just wanted to make sure they heard that.

Whitney S:
Yes. Mud from the front yard, right by my grandpa's rose bushes. I remember getting this mud and mixing it all together. Had a nice little bowl and I took the cookies, put them on a cookie sheet and laid them out in this Bakersfield's sun. Within minutes, the heat had cooked them. They were cooked. And my grandpa, he saw me making them. He goes, "What are you making?" I said, "I'm making cookies." And he goes, "Aw." And I said, "Would you like one?" And he says, "Oh sure, I'll try one." And my grandpa being who he was took a real bite out of the cookie and he's chewing this cookie and he says to me, "This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't have the dirt in it."

Whitney S:
And so my mom's standing to the side and she's like, "You know she put dirt in these cookies." He's like, "Yeah, it's just dirt, it's not going to hurt you." But that's the grandpa I grew up with. He was always, "Aw, you want to draw on the walls, that's okay, here's some paint. I'll fix that wall later." He was that grandpa.

Warwick F:
Sounds like an amazing guy, an amazing grandpa.

Whitney S:
He was.

Warwick F:
Did your friends say, gee, how come every grandpa can't be like yours kind of deal?

Whitney S:
Yes, everybody was like, Uncle Lee, this... he was always... his nickname was Uncle Lee because he had 18 brothers and sisters so he was an uncle to a lot of people.

Warwick F:
Okay, wow.

Whitney S:
But some of them who weren't actually his relatives would still call him Uncle Lee out of respect and he was always, "If I can help you with this, I can help you. Don't worry about it. I got you." And he was always that person. And I remember when I was little going to his barbecue restaurant that he had after school and I would be there helping him out, sweeping, and helping around and we used to joke about... because I used to like to make the baked goods. He never had dessert. He just had the meats and sides, but we never had dessert. I never understood why we never had dessert. Why is there no peach cobbler in here when everybody can make it in the family? I don't get it.

Whitney S:
And he said, "Well, one day when you get bigger, you can make all the desserts for us." And that was one of the things we had always talked about, but he end up dying before that ever happened. And so it was always something that I always wanted to do to be in that business with him. And years went by and I always have that moment and I was, "I'm going to wait until the right time and when that time comes, then I'm going to do this." And I just waited and waited and waited until the right time would come and the right time was never happening. It was always some type of something that will intervene. Then I would say, "Okay, no, not right now. No, not right now."

Whitney S:
Until I got to a point when I started the company where I would say, you know what? Today is the day. I literally woke up and said, "I no longer want to clean houses anymore," because I used to have a house cleaning company. And I said, "I no longer want to do that. That just pays the bills, it's not fun, I don't like doing it, but it pays the bills." And I said, "I want to do what I said I wanted to do almost 20 years ago." And I woke up and said, "cookies." And I went on the computer and I said, "Not just any cookies, what are people not making is what I wanted to make," because you can go anywhere to get a baked good, but what would make people come to me and just me only?

Whitney S:
And I said, "Let's see what they're not doing." And I went on the computer and I found everything that you can possibly think of and I said, "Everybody makes snickerdoodles and chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin and I said, "I don't want that." I said, "I know it was risky starting a company that didn't make any traditional cookies." And I said, "The people out there who think like I do who'll say I want to try something different, I want to go to a spot where I can have something new." For those people who can't bake and they want to be able to experience something besides a regular chocolate chip cookie is like they come here. And when I first started, I only had six nuts and from there all the way to 12 nuts now. And it's like I just found two more nuts to add to the line.

Warwick F:
Oh really?

Whitney S:
I thought I had all the nuts, I found two more.

Warwick F:
Are you able to tell us like a-

Whitney S:
Yes, the pili nut, it's a pili nut, a P-I-L-I nut. I have never heard of it, but the company that sends me stuff, where I get my nut supply from, they said, "Hey, we have these new nuts, would you be interested in trying?" And I said, "More nuts?" Sure.

Gary S:
My product line expands.

Whitney S:
I said, "Sure." I tried that nut and the pili nut has this texture like a pine nut, but a flavor like a macadamia. And so I mixed that one with butterscotch and so it just has this, what, moment to it but your mind just goes like this. People are looking for adventurous foods that are outside of the box. I'm the spot. I'm the bizarre food world of cookies.

Warwick F:
That is amazing.

Whitney S:
And then the second one is a baru nut, a B-A-R-U nut and that one I was like it looks so alien and so all nuts kind of look weird all ready, but this one just has just what is it look. And when you're eating it, it's like for me I'm like I'm eating this nut and it has this texture like a almond, but when you're tasting it it taste like a peanut. But not like a strong peanut, so I said I love stuff that's trippy like that. So that one I add a little bit of molasses to it so it's kind of like a gingersnap without the ginger.

Warwick F:
Wow, so how long has it been that you've started Nuttin' Butter, when did that start?

Whitney S:
It first started back in March of 2015.

Warwick F:
Right, right and so wow, so you had this idea for nuts and started it and-

Whitney S:
The idea of creating it was in 2014.

Warwick F:
Okay.

Whitney S:
I was stewing on it and now it's just that's the moment when I was realizing that this is what I want to do. What else do I want to do with my life besides this? Baking makes me happy. People who eat baked goods are happy. That's what I want in my life right now and then the following year was just one of those okay, I'm doing it now.

Warwick F:
So some people have ideas and they have dreams, but sadly most people, they don't do a whole lot with that. They think about it, wouldn't it be fun if, but what led you to go from hey this'll be a fun idea to I'm doing it? Because so many people don't do that. What led you to say you know what, we're going all in, let's do it? What led you to do that?

Whitney S:
I feel like sometimes you just have to jump into the deep end of the pool and figure it out. And for me, I said I can not go another day without having ever tried doing it. I know it's always something I wanted to do, can I really make a profession of it, do I really want to make a profession out of it? Do I? And I said but I'm never going to be able to answer any of these questions until I actually do it. And so I said I'm doing. Even if I fail two weeks later, I can say I did it and it just didn't work. I just couldn't live with myself because I'm a perfectionist too. So I said part of me is like I critique myself and I said, you can't say you tried everything and did everything that you wanted to do in your life and you haven't even did the thing you're passionate about yet.

Whitney S:
And so that's what made me say I need to do it. I don't care what no one thinks, I don't care how much it's going to cost me, I'm doing it.

Warwick F:
That's an amazing attitude that people could really learn from because so few people, they don't do what they're passionate about. Were there any echos of your grandfather or your mom, were any of them sort of this go for it mentality, do what you love?

Whitney S:
Yeah, my mom, she actually owns her own business since the '90s where she makes clothing accessories and afro-centric multi-cultural jewelry, ponchos, purses, et cetera. And I remember she used to do a lot of vending for festivals like jazz festivals and music festivals, food festivals. And being there as a child helping her with the sales and interacting with the customers just like that, that was fun for me. And so growing up into that and then her having her own business. And my grandpa, him being a chef and everyone all seem to have that entrepreneur vibe and even my great-great-grandmother used to have her big old giant cauldron that she used to sell mustard greens and collard greens on the side of the road when she first got freed.

Warwick F:
Wow.

Whitney S:
And that's how she made her money. That comes in the family, so being able to just jump out and just start something. Some of the family members are like, I don't know. Then it's other ones in the family, they're like, let's do it. We're kind of divided.

Warwick F:
That's an amazing business and we want to get to some of the challenges and obviously as a cookie fan I love all the fun varieties. I'm just looking at an article, almond, walnut, pecan, pistachio, hazel nut, brazil nut, pine nut, sesame seeds, wow! So that's amazing. You live in Berkeley, California, is it?

Whitney S:
Yes.

Warwick F:
And so I understand you have asthma, so you're in this apartment building and there's some people that are smoking and you said to the landlord, "Hey, you're not meant to smoke in this place, can we just not do the smoking because"... but somehow that seemed like a very reasonable request, but somehow that didn't seem to turn out so well. So tell folks what happened when you told the landlord, "I believe this whole smoking thing is not helping me."

Gary S:
And before you tell this story, Whitney, I want to just reveal one detail about your life that you told me when we talked earlier. Because it helps inform the real emotional and physical toughness you demonstrated through this process. You told me, I want to make sure I get it right. "I played hockey back in the day." That's what you told me. So that's an important context for listeners truly to hear as you tell this story of how you responded to the things that happened just from smoking going on in your building when smoking wasn't supposed to go on and the way that your neighbors treated it. You had a mental and emotional and physical toughness that allowed you to get through what you're about to tell us.

Whitney S:
Well, I can definitely say yeah, the hockey, I was a tomboy, so hockey, football, I was in there. We was boxing. I played dolls too, but I was really rough as a child. My sons are no where as rough as I was. But so moving into this property, it was one of those things where as a person who has asthma, I wanted to be in a smoke-free environment. Someone who has two young children that are a greater risk of developing it by being exposed to things, I wanted to reduce their risk.

Whitney S:
And so the place that I was living in only had one, two people sometimes smoking, which was too much for me because they was doing it right by my window. And so when I moved into this new place, I was assured that there's no smoking, they had signs that said no smoking. I went by a couple of random times and I didn't smell any smoke, I didn't see any evidence of smoke, so I'm like yes, this is a good fit. I get there and soon as the lease is signed, the whole dynamic of the building switched. It was like the people, there was no people hanging out, now there's people hanging out.

Whitney S:
There was no smoking, now they're smoking every day. What is this? I felt bamboozled, like it was a whole con. And when I get there I'm like okay, well, we have a front part of the property and a driveway, sometimes they have barbecues and get-to-gethers in the driveway, they call it their backyard. I had a backyard, that's not a backyard, that's a driveway. So when I asked for my simple request, I asked the one who was smoking by my window, "Do you mind smoking in the back," since the smoked there anyways, I didn't think it would be inconveniencing them. And I told them because the smoke is coming into my window and it's bothering me and my children, do you mind doing that?

Whitney S:
And they're like, "Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, no worries." And then as I walked away I hear, "[laughing], we do what we want to do." I was like, oh, so that's how it's going to be in this building. Okay. So let me go ahead give the landlord the benefit of the doubt, let him know that you have a tenant that's smoking by my window. I asked them could they move, maybe you can ask them to not stand by my window because smoke travels up and I'm upstairs. Simple. And they never got in trouble, they never got any fines even though the city of Berkeley prohibits smoking in common areas and inside residential property. So it's against the law to do it, however, they continued to do it and the landlord never did anything about it.

Whitney S:
So my mind is I still to this day don't understand the point in wanting to attack me because I complained about their smoking when they never got any trouble. It's not like it was a retaliation because they lost their job or their housing or they got a fine, it was just because I was there and they thought they can do it. It was just that simple.

Warwick F:
And when they attacked you... they didn't just attack you a little bit, they really hurt you-

Whitney S:
No, they were really trying to kill me that night.

Warwick F:
Hurt you severely. What was the effects of what they did to you?

Whitney S:
Yes, just one of those moments where you're going to go check your mail and people were like, "Why were you checking your mail at night? Blaming the victim, I'm like well, during the day, they smoke and drink all day. So I don't want to go and be involved and associate with people who are against me because I tattletale on them all the time about their smoking, even though they don't get in trouble, I just complain. I said, "I will wait until they are done doing what they are doing to go check my mail." So I don't have to walk through smoke and step over people and I might bump into someone and cause problems.

Whitney S:
And so that night when I went to check my mail, thought the coast was clear, I didn't smell any smoke, I didn't hear anyone. And to have a person that in passing that would say hello to you and you will say hello back to them for that person to come over to the property, see you there and come back. They had left. They came back to the property and these are people who I then wasn't complaining about their smoke. They were neighbors next door that were friends with the one I complained about.

Warwick F:
Oh my gosh.

Whitney S:
The one that I complained about didn't even do it. He just was complaining to them that I complained about him. And so they said, "We going to get her because she's a snitch." I'm like that's not snitching, I seen movies. That's not snitching. And so a guy, he came over and he was talking to me. And I was talking to him being polite and one of my other neighbors brought up my cookies. So the whole thing was a setup. And so she's talking to me about my cookies and I'm having conversation about like, "Oh, yeah, I just finished making the pecan, la-la-la." And when we're having this conversation is when the guy grabs my hair and he pulls me holding me back in place. And the other girl comes over and she starts punching on me and I break free. And I'm like look, don't touch. That hurt, but what really? Who does this? What kind of man does that? And why he's holding me in place, I was able to break free, but then I tripped over the lip in the door, my house shoe fell off and I hit the ground.

Whitney S:
And soon as I hit the ground, they all just flooded in there, so it was like these two girls and the guy all flooded in there real quick and I'm blocking my face because I'm too pretty to get hit in the face. And this is me dodging all of this and I'm like, I don't understand why short people feel the need that they can take people who have long arms and legs because I'm tall. And so it was like they weren't doing too much damage because every time they would come in to swing at me, I would swing back at them and my arms were longer than there's so it's like, I'm doing crab walk, kick to the face. But that moment when I'm thinking here comes a guy that always likes to say hello to me, he's walking into the building and I'm thinking here he's coming to break up this fight and I can get up off the ground, but instead I see him brace his self onto the wall and hold balance his self on one foot and stomps me in the face.

Whitney S:
And when he stomped me straight in the face, my head hits the ground and then that's when they were able to get me. And I was like oh, so now I'm just getting hit and kicked and stomped and I'm like oh, I'm still trying to move, still punching back, fractured my knuckle, it was just one of those moments where it was just so much. And it took... and I was like "mom," and they attacked her and had pushed her all up against and she end up bruising up her back. It was just a while crazy thing. My children came outside the apartment, they were upstairs calling for their mom. And to hear them and then the neighbor, only decent one in the building, comes out of his house like what's going on? And he pushes everybody off of me and me being how I am, I said, "They can't see that they hurt me." I was hurt. I was really hurt.

Whitney S:
Well, I stood up like a zombie, no emotion, just no tears, I just stood up like that didn't even hurt. It was hurting and I was able to-

Warwick F:
Was it like concussion? It was pretty severe things.

Whitney S:
Yeah, it was. I didn't want them to feel that they defeated me, even though-

Warwick F:
It's so sad because you weren't doing anything to them. You were just have asthma and didn't want smoking. It's just sad how humanity can be.

Whitney S:
It is.

Gary S:
And it's important to note here, let me say this, you had already started Nuttin' Butter Cookies. You were doing it out of your house. You had a license to do that.

Whitney S:
Right.

Gary S:
So you had started the business. You were-

Whitney S:
In March.

Gary S:
Right. What you were talking about earlier, this desire, this is your passion. I don't just want to pay the bills, I want to do what's my passion. You finally get to be doing that. You finally are doing that. You've got it all set up, you're selling cookies out of your home and then this attack comes and that derails... in addition to the terrible physical toll it takes on you, it also upends your business opportunity at that moment, correct?

Whitney S:
It literally did. It's like March, all the way to April going to October is when the incident took place. So it wasn't that long in between from starting it in March to having before I can even get it going stopped. It was just a sudden stop and it was just one of those moments where I felt like can I ever get a break? When do I get a chance to have a break? This was supposed to be my moment. This was me. I got to tend to myself. I like to do that and so it was just one of those moments I was like I have a concussion now, my right hand is fractured, I can't even do anything that I want to do and I'm sitting here like what is the next stage for me?

Whitney S:
And my next stage was looking at my children and they're looking at me like, mommy, you're going to be okay. And to see their faces because at the time they were like two and three. And so it was just one of those things where they would look at me like, mommy, don't give up. That's how they looked at me. Because I guess they could feel my energy because I felt like I was defeated and I felt like what was the purpose of even doing this. All my savings that I had from my house cleaning, I had used that to get the main stuff I needed, like ingredients and stuff to get the ball going and to pay for my licensing just for it to be, ha, you're not doing none of that.

Whitney S:
And so that didn't let me down because I'm too persistently stubborn. It's just one of those moments just felt like yeah, it set me back, but I was able to during my recuperation figure out the next strategy on how to get to the next stage of where I want to be. And I said working out of the house in this particular environment wasn't working that well anyway, so I started finding out about other events and other shows that I could go and participate in. So I wouldn't have to be there, but right after the incident, a program called The Victims Compensation program that California Office For Victims were able to... them and the police department because they did a wonderful job, the police, they're so wonderful. They did everything by the book, they went a little above and beyond. One of the officers even took me to the pharmacy after I did my interview about the incident and they took all my pictures and stuff.

Whitney S:
And when I went to go pick up my prescription, he took me to Walgreens to go pick up my medicine and he drove me home. And I thought it was funny that this officer, while he was bringing me home... the one who I used to complain about, his friends, the ones who attacked me, he was peeking through his downstairs window when the officer was bringing me home. And the officer saw him and he goes, "I think I'll check your mail for you right now too." He goes, "I don't think anyone's going to mess with me while I check your mail." And he goes, "So you can check it in the daytime."

Whitney S:
So I hand this officer my key and he checks the mail for me. And he was like, "Is there anything else you need from us, just let us know. Here's my card." And he hand me his card and they were standing around like all nervous and stuff, but it was just the Berkeley Police, they really did go a little extra for making sure that this was taken care of and they did everything by the book. And it was the DA who threw me under the bus. And it's just one of those moments where it's just like how would you think a person who commits a crime in our society they have some type of punishment, but that's not the case if you're brown on brown. And when you have a district attorney that tells you, "We're going to do everything we can, we're charging this person with a felony assault and battery. And once we catch the other ones because they're hiding, they're at large, when we catch them, we're going to charge them too."

Whitney S:
I'm like, yes, I'm suffering from a concussion. I'm like yes, justice, this is how it's supposed to go. This is how it should be going. I agreed to that. They're like, he's willing to take a plea so would you be willing to do that and he's going to get five years? And I was like, five years I almost die, I consider that attempted murder, but if you guys want to call it battery and assault, okay. Five years is better than nothing, so I agreed to that. Just to find out that that person wasn't doing any jail time, he got probation, five years felony probation. What is the point of that? And then to give me a stay away order to tell me, this person's not supposed to come around you any more for X amount of yards. And you're like, okay, but then he's in front of my house and you say, this person violating that order, this and that committed another crime, why should this person who almost killed me be allowed to be free and if he does another crime, then he goes to jail? That's backwards.

Warwick F:
It's hard to understand. Yeah, it's just crazy, but what's amazing to me is life isn't fair, doesn't seem objectively the lack of punishment for what was very serious, assault and battery, attempted murder. But yet, it doesn't seem like you let that get you down. Doesn't mean you're probably angry, probably doesn't mean it's not fair, but-

Whitney S:
It fueled me.

Warwick F:
Right. It fueled you. Yeah, because some people-

Whitney S:
It did. It made me so angry that these people thought that they could do it and get away with it and then the court system was basically saying that you're getting away with it. I said, they might have gotten away with doing that, but they're not going to stop me from starting this company that I been wanting to do for years. I have control over that.

Warwick F:
And that's amazing. In the midst of all that, it's always nice when you have a good Samaritan. In this case, the local policemen that helps out so the world is full of people unfortunately that do a lot of bad things, but there is some good people, there is some good Samaritans.

Whitney S:
There are.

Warwick F:
And you saw them, which was good. So you started this I understand that at some point you moved into a storefront and expanded it?

Whitney S:
Yes.

Warwick F:
And that was a few months before COVID hit, right?

Whitney S:
Yes, it's like-

Warwick F:
Which is crazy because that was another crucible if you will. You started it, this is great and then COVID hits and that made life tough to do it out of the storefront, who's got stores in the height of COVID.

Whitney S:
Well, especially in Berkeley, in Alameda County, they said, "All restaurants, bakeries closed." You're nonessential. But the corner store is essential and the beauty salons essential, but the bakery is not, okay. I don't get it. Let's make my hair pretty, but I don't want to eat. So a lot of us restaurants and bakeries and food establishments in the bay area, we all... bars, we were all at a halt. They said, "Doors are closed until further notice." And they literally shut us down. They saw people, they were coming in like shut it down, shut it down because clearly having your restaurant open during COVID hours is one of those things where you would get infected. So we close early, I don't get it. COVID still there after 2:00, it's still there. But I remember when March had hit, it's right at that moment when they were getting ready to start shutting things down, everything was like a wave.

Whitney S:
It was just a nonstop wave that kept coming and coming because at first it was like okay, we're hearing rumors of these things end of February about it could possibly affect us. And I'm keeping track of it because I watch bio movies so I'm like this is going to get worst before it gets better. We should start preparing and my preparation wasn't for the fact of ingredients. And so my priority was making sure that my children had can goods and foods just in case the power goes out or if people get sick and the plants not working. We need to be prepared. And soon as I gave my landlord the rent, I get this phone call from my landlord nagging me about, I haven't received your rent. This is March, there's so many people right now that has no job right now because everything is shut down. And I mailed you the rent. So I could've kept that whole thing for myself and used it for whatever, but I was being honest.

Whitney S:
And I said, I know, I owe you, I'm going to give it to you. I even told him it was going to be a bit late, it was too late when he got it. I can not control the mail. I just can't. If the mail system is having a delay, that's not my problem, but he nagged me, nagged me, nagged me about, "I'm going to have to kick you out." I'm like, okay. I can't be there anyways. I'm already closed. What are you kicking me out for? And then when he finally did get the rent, he sends me an oh, I got your rent. I'm waiting for an apology, didn't get it.

Warwick F:
Crazy. From what I understand, eventually, you ended up having to move out with COVID.

Whitney S:
Right.

Warwick F:
And I believe you had a lease and you had to keep paying him even though you weren't even there.

Whitney S:
I know. And then he reaches out to me and says, "With all of the COVID going on, is there anything, anything that we can help you with during this time of crisis and hardship." And I said, I'm thinking to myself is this a joke? This is the same person who was just threatening to evict me not too long ago, but I went on with it and I said because I like to try and find good in everybody because everybody has it. Some people don't have a lot of it, but everybody has a little bit in them. So I said maybe during this time of crisis, maybe he has a reality check on how he needs to approach people. So I said, "Well, the only thing that you can really help me with is maybe I can end my lease now."

Whitney S:
Because my lease had ended in August and it was March. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like maybe we can just end it now. He goes, "No, no, no, you're under contract. You still have to pay your rent." I'm like, but you just asked me what could you do to help me and that would help me a lot. Because if you can't help me with that, what else would you help me with?

Warwick F:
So that's another crucible, you have to pay this rent to a place you aren't even there anymore because of COVID because you can't... even in that circumstance, you didn't let it get you down.

Whitney S:
No.

Warwick F:
Because then you began I think selling cookies back in your apartment and driveway. And people picking up. So talk about how you didn't let that get you down, that you found a way through. So what did you do then when you had to go back to your home?

Whitney S:
I can definitely say when I came back to being home, I wasn't selling in March, wasn't selling in April, but toward the end part, the beginning of May, I'm sitting here like if I wanted to sell in my driveway, I couldn't right now because all the stores were still shut down and they had limits where you could only buy one thing of eggs. I'm like really, I can't work a business with one thing of eggs.

Gary S:
I'm a baker, I need more than that.

Whitney S:
Exactly, I said I need at least 10 boxes of butter. No, ma'am, you're hoarding butter. I need butter for my business. I need you to make an exception. You have to talk to the manager. No, we have one transaction at a time. I gets around those things, so we just go back multiple times. But I remember at this moment where I was really feeling like defeated again. It's like I can't even sell in my driveway because I don't even have the ingredients to even make cookies. And a couple of my neighbors who reached out to me were like, "Oh we heard that you lost your shop and all this COVID, we're just checking to make sure you were doing all right. And is there's anything we can do to help you?"

Whitney S:
And I was like, "Well, right now, it's just I don't even know how I'm going to get by because I can't even make my own money right now because there's no ingredients for me." And I didn't ask anyone because I'm just used to not asking people because I hear excuses. And so I was just venting and then one neighbor took it upon herself to spread the word to everybody that they have any extra right now to gather it all up. And they came to my house and they had bags of flour, they had some eggs, and they were like here's some sugar, here's something we all collected different sticks of butter. Here so you can still be able to get by. That was so... moments where I was like wow. I didn't realize that I lived in a community where people did those things.

Whitney S:
My mom had even reached out to a couple of her friends and he goes yeah, when I go to the store, while I'm there, I'm going to see if they have any of those ingredients. So people, when they were at the different stores, they would be able to get these different ingredients for me and they were like donating me flour and they were donating me vanilla so I could still be able to make cookies. So I got the ingredients so I set back up in the driveway. Said look, I ain't got no excuses no more. I can make these products. People want my cookies, I can still make them. So I'm still here.

Warwick F:
That's a miracle. In so much turmoil and people doing I don't know reprehensible things in the world you see on the news, but it's almost like you're in the desert and you see an oasis or from a faith perspective maybe a drop of grace. And it's like, wow maybe there's a few little good folks and drops of grace there. When people do that, it's unbelievable. It's not something you ever could've imagined that neighbors were donating things. And by doing that, they enabled you to feed your family and your boys.

Whitney S:
Exactly. And being in the driveway was the money I was making to pay for my shop because once they finally started to open things back up, they still had restrictions where they said only curbside, outside business. So you still couldn't have stuff indoors. So I'm like, it doesn't make since for me to make the cookies at home then take the cookies to my shop to sell on the sidewalk when I can just sell at home like I already was doing. Because I'm the original curbside cookies.

Warwick F:
And so from what I understand, you had lots of local folks, police, firemen, talk about how some of the local officials in Berkeley somehow word has spread about your amazing cookies.

Whitney S:
Someone called and complained about me is what started it. And I find that even in that moment of negative, it turned into a positive thing because someone complained that I was selling cookies in my driveway and I had to be illegal. Who does that? Who calls the police on someone selling cookies. Someone did, but officer pulled over real quick with his hands, he popped out of his car and he had his hands on his holster like he was reaching for his gun or something and just walking over like a cowboy.

Whitney S:
And he walks over like what's going on here? I got so much signs that says I'm cookie, I don't know why he asked me that question. But he goes what's going on here? And I said, just selling cookies, raising money to this officer. He goes what kind of cookies? And I told him. They're regular nut butter cookies. He goes, well, I never heard of a cookie like that. I said because I made it up, it's my recipe. And I'm telling him on these things and he goes, well, and what about this one? And he pointed to the pistachio. It does have a slightly green hint to it, I didn't have edibles. And he goes what about this one? And I said that's pistachio and I said you can have that one if you like pistachios. And he goes, I do like pistachios, he goes and it's just a regular cookie?

Whitney S:
They're all just regular cookies. He goes, well do you have permission to be here? And I said, this is my driveway, so yes. And I said I'm not quite sure what you're asking me because is that a trick question? He goes well do you have a license for anything? I said actually I do. I'm like how many people trying to sell something in their driveway have to actually pull out their credentials to the police officer because someone called on them?

Warwick F:
Unbelievable.

Whitney S:
And so I was sitting there and yeah, I showed them my health permit, showed him my business license and I showed him everything I had. And he looked and he was satisfied with that information. And he left and he's sitting in the car. And after he eats his cookie, he comes back over. I'm like, oh, now what? What now? Leave me alone. I'm not doing anything, but selling cookies. I know it's almost nighttime, but come on. And so he comes over and it wasn't a negative thing. He comes over to shake my hand. He goes, "That was a really good cookie." He goes, "You got a customer for life." He goes, "I'm going to tell everyone I know that you got the best cookies in Berkeley." And I went, "oh well, thank you officer. Thank you, appreciate it."

Whitney S:
And that particular night, while he's sitting over there in his vehicle finishing the rest of his cookie, a guy up to no good, I saw him, I had my bat underneath the table. And this guy comes walking over like he's getting ready to do something he not supposed to be doing, but every since my incident, I'm alert to everything. And he was being weird. He was acting like he was casing me out pretty much. He was observing what was going on. And I'm like what kind of person sees the little girl selling cookies and you want to rob her? Really? There people would like that. And so I really feel that he was up to something because when he comes and he walks past me ad he walks past me again. And I have my bat, I'm ready. If he tries it, he's not going to get my money easily. We both were going to be hurt tonight, not tonight.

Whitney S:
And I remember that when he got ready to walk past, he was so focused on me, he didn't even see the cop car. And so the cop goes [woop, woop, woop] with his lights and siren and the guy takes off running. And I never saw him ever again, but the cop comes and he goes, "Are you all right?" "Yeah, I'm good." And every since that moment, the cops had relayed to other officers so when they're en route under different beats, they would pass by when they see me at night, just thumbs up. Checking to see how I'm doing. I had free security. This is nice, I got police security, hey, free security and they'll buy cookies. I remember this one night when the fire truck had pulled over. I'm thinking to myself, oh what's going on now? It's always something, can a sister get a break?

Whitney S:
And I'm sitting here and just one fireman gets out of the truck and he comes over and he says, "A cop told me that you got the best cookies in town." And I was just like... I said, okay. And he's talking to me about the cookies and I told him about all the different cookies I had. And the other fire... what do you call them, fire workers because there's fire women?

Warwick F:
True.

Gary S:
Fire person, the other fire person.

Warwick F:
Exactly.

Whitney S:
There we go, fire person. Yeah, we're going to roll with that one. But I remember, he came over and he was the guinea pig because he's the one that was the pickiest out of all of them so he tried it. And at that time before COVID I used to offer samples. And so I gave him a sample of a cookie and he waved his hands up and with a thumb and then the rest of the fire people, persons come out of the truck and they walk over to the booth. And I'm standing there like what? This is one of those moments like, really a fire truck pulled up in front to get cookies from me because a police officer told them that they were good.

Warwick F:
It's amazing. So all these crucibles and this one we haven't really even touched on. The flu shot episode where for most people the flu shot isn't a big deal and some doctors say you should get a flu shot even if you don't want to and it ends up what paralyzing your left side, hand, how many months did it take to get through the whole flu shot terrible episode?

Whitney S:
Yeah, I ended up with a severe case of bursitis in my left shoulder. And the problem is the nurse injected the flu vaccine into my bursa sac, which is way too far up in your arm to be getting the shot to begin with, but when they stuck in there, the fluids in my bursa sac were gone and the flu vaccine caused an infection. And it slightly tore a little bit of my rotator cuff while the needle went in. So it was just all wrong to begin with. I would have been better off being sick.

Warwick F:
And how long did it take you to recover from all that?

Whitney S:
It took from January to May for me to be able to use my arm again after physical therapy. It's like who has physical therapy after getting a flu shot?

Warwick F:
And for you to provide for your kids, you have to bake.

Whitney S:
Yes.

Warwick F:
So it's like you can't not bake. So here you've had everything from a flu shot to be beaten up by neighbors, all of the things that you've been through having to pay rent for a place you don't even use, COVID, and yet none of that gets you down. I think one of the things I think you said about your vision, I read somewhere you see your business as a gas station in the desert. Talk about what does that mean to your vision because it sounds like nothing gets you down despite being knocked down, you get back up and it's like you just don't let it get you down. Talk about that vision of the gas station and the desert.

Whitney S:
The vision of that is everyone seeing that one gas station, there's the tumbleweeds and snakes and there's just nothing but that. And you have that one spot right there just thriving and it's still hanging in there despite of it looking like crickets around. There's nothing going on, but they're still there and they're still standing. And you have no choice but to go to the place because it's the only one. And when I started my company, I wanted to have that. You can't go to... I made it so complicated for myself because I made all my recipes so anybody who wanted to try and copy and have a spin off of the cookies, I said, I'm going to cover all the nuts. So can't no one say, well we have almond and she doesn't. No, I got all the nuts. And so I said every nut, I got nuts you never heard of.

Whitney S:
And so I wanted to do this to make it so complicated because people copy all the time, that's just our nature. We see someone doing it, we want to try and join into it. For me, I like to one up myself, so when I do something, I go I can make it better. And then I'll go, yeah, let's make that better and I'm talking to myself like let's do that.

Warwick F:
So if we pick a summing up here and all, there's a lot of people right now going through tough times, whether it's COVID or just frankly the division within our country, within our world. It just seems like things are as bad as it's ever been in so many ways. It's just so sad, but I think there's a lot of people who been through tough times, different crucibles, what's your message of hope to people that feel like, gosh, I don't know that I can get myself back up again. This is just too much. What's your message of hope to a lot of folks who frankly are hurting right now?

Whitney S:
Well, help comes in the most unexpected places when you least expect it. At that moment when you feel that you really can't go on, there is always going to be that one person that you wouldn't expect to do it, will reach out and help you. And I find that you can't really fail if you don't keep trying because once you give up, you failed, you're done, that's over. But as long as you're like, I can still make it, you can still get that little bit in there, you can still push through just enough. It's hard, it hurts, but once you get past that moment, you can sit back and go, I made it. I overcomed that. I'm no longer feeling that pain anymore. I'm finally where I need to be. You get yourself out of it. We got to pull ourselves out of the mud sometimes.

Whitney S:
And dust off the mud, you walk through what's drying on and cracked up and their pants and flake it off and get going. It's just sometimes you just have to do it.

Gary S:
And sometimes you have to bake the mud into the cookies going back to the very first story that you told, right?

Whitney S:
Exactly. My first cookies was a mud pie.

Warwick F:
Maybe you should resurrect that, in honor of my grandfather, here's kind of the first cookies I made.

Whitney S:
I know huh.

Gary S:
This would be the time in most podcasts that I say, the captain turned on the fasten seatbelt signs and it's time to land the plane, but I'm going to say this time I think I heard the oven ding, it's time to remove the cookies. So we're getting to the point where we've got to let the cookies cool a little bit. But before we go, Whitney, I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't do a couple of things. One, in a minute here, I'm going to give you a chance to let people know where they can find Nuttin' Butter Cookies online and connect with you. But after you do that, after you let people know how they can get a hold of you, one of the things again, going back to what I said at the top of the show, this questionnaire that you filled out, one of the questions we ask people all the time is if there's only one question we could ask, what would it be?

Gary S:
And you've talked a lot about not giving up, but the question you said we should ask you is what was the reason you didn't give up? So tell people how they can find you on the internet, get a chance to taste your cookies perhaps? And then leave listeners with what was it that led to Whitney Singletary White not giving up through all of these crucibles that you've described?

Whitney S:
Well, you can find my cookies at my website of nuttinbuttercookies.com, which is N-U-T-T-I-N-B-U-T-T-E-R-C-O-O-K-I-E-S.com. It has all of my social medias and everything and all the ordering. And they ship well all through the United States.

Gary S:
All right.

Whitney S:
And but for me, that to answer your question, my sons. I remember after my flu shot, I was laying there crying to myself and he came to me and the message that I been teaching them their whole lives is we're not quitters. You have to try, you can't say I don't want to do something, try it. Try this food, try this thing. And when he came to me and he hugged me and said, "Mommy." And I said what? And he was like why you not making cookies anymore? And I told him and his reason for what he said to me was, "You can't give up mommy. We're not quitters." And the look on his face was so set on he was a coach. It's like get up, you can do it. Go. And he said this to me and his brother was like, "Yeah, mommy, you have to do it. You love cookies."

Whitney S:
And they were still my reason for why I pushed through. It doesn't matter if I'm in pain, doesn't matter if I'm tired, doesn't matter if I'm hungry. I'll hold my bladder so I can finish doing what I need to do because they got me so focused where it's like at the end goal, I want them to be able to not have to go through so much that I go through. I'll go through it all so they don't have to.

Gary S:
And you mentioned when I first reached out to you to be on the show, that this is the first podcast you've ever been on?

Whitney S:
Right.

Gary S:
So based on that answer about your sons, and hopefully they'll listen to this episode when it comes out, give your sons a shout out. Call them by name, let them hear themselves on the podcast and on the radio if you will.

Whitney S:
Yeah, well shout out to my oldest, Wesley and my youngest, Wyatt. Keep doing your work because I know downstairs playing games thinking I don't know. I know everything.

Warwick F:
Moms do. That's very true.

Gary S:
Warwick, before I wrap up, one of the things that you say all the time on the show and then just in conversations we have at Crucible Leadership is that your life of significance can be big. It can lead an international corporation or your life of significance can be small. And by small I don't mean impact and you don't mean impact, but it can be a more limited scope. And what Whitney's described right here is her life of significance, her community and her boys. Talk about why that is such a critical expression of a life of significance?

Warwick F:
Yeah, it's easy to say well who am I? I'm not leading some big corporation or nonprofit. I'm not trying to make the clean water in Africa or solve all of the huge problems we have in this world, but to me you make a difference in one life, it's big. Your mom, your grandfather, they taught you certain values. They made a difference in your life. You're making a difference in your sons' life. You're making a difference in your community with friends, neighbors, police, people in the fire department. You're having an impact everywhere and one of the things we didn't get to but I think is fascinating is this legacy of baking, it goes back I don't know maybe 150 years or so, back to I think it was your grandfather's great-grandmother, something like that.

Whitney S:
Right, yeah.

Warwick F:
Maybe it wasn't the exact recipe but that legacy of baking and I'm sure there's probably a sense of trying to help friends and family. There's a legacy that goes back a long time. And you're just making a huge impact and a huge difference in people's lives and your family. And so I think your testimony is anybody can make a difference if they don't give up and they're passionate about what they do. You're having probably I'm sure a bigger impact than you realize. So you fill people with hope. Whitney doesn't let stuff get her down, maybe I shouldn't give up either, right? Just one more day, one more step.

Whitney S:
That's what I hear all the time.

Warwick F:
It's all it take, so. I think it's an inspiring story. I think it will give a lot of people hope.

Gary S:
Absolutely and as we wrap up listeners, I want to direct you back to this spirit that you heard from Whitney in this conversation. She describes some pretty difficult things that happened to her. Pretty physically devastating, emotionally devastating things have happened to her. Go back and listen to the way she talked about them. She laughed. She had a positive attitude, she had a facing forward attitude to those kind of things.

Gary S:
And if you take nothing else away from this episode, that's one of the keys to bouncing back from your crucible. Is having a perspective like Whitney's perspective which is tomorrow can be a better day. And this isn't going to stop me, this isn't going to get me down. I'm going to end on one of the things that Whitney wrote again in her questionnaire, which is so profound in its simplicity Whitney, but you said this when we said what's one bit of advice you'd offer listeners.

Gary S:
And this would be the key takeaway from this episode, listener and that's this. These are Whitney Singetary's words. "You can't fail if you keep trying. Find a reason to push through no matter how small or big the reason and let that fuel you." I've been in the communications business long enough to know when someone's wrapped, put a bow on a package as pretty as that. I'm going to shut up, except to say this, thank you listener for spending this time with us at Beyond the Crucible. Warwick and I have a little favor to ask of you. If you enjoy what you heard here today in our interview with Whitney, please hit subscribe on the app on which you're listening to this podcast.

Gary S:
That way you'll be alerted to every new episode, you'll never miss one. You'll hear more great interviews like this, more conversations with Warwick as he talks about the principles that undergird and uphold crucible leadership. And until the next time we're together, remember this, which is so evident in this discussion we've had with Whitney and that is your crucible experiences are painful and they're difficult and they're hard. And they can come in rapid succession. It's not just when we say crucible experiences, we mean that. Many times, there are more than one. It's not experience, it's experiences and Whitney has had many of them. But they were not the end of her story.

Gary S:
They were the beginning, each one was a beginning of a new chapter in her story that pushed her, that led her to walk down a road to a life that's brighter. That's better, that is on purpose, that is focused on helping others and building something bigger than herself. So your crucible, listeners, your crucibles, they aren't the end of your story, they're the beginning of your story if you learn the lessons of them. And they can be the best chapter of your story because at the end of the day, where they lead is to a life of significance.

We know them when we’re in them. Or avoiding them. Uncomfortable conversations when it feels like one wrong word — or even one right word expressed wrongly — can explode like a hand grenade. But we can avoid the detonation and destruction, Harvard Negotiation Project and Harvard Law School lecturer Sheila Heen explain in unpacking the insights and action items in her books Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback. The key, she says, is recognizing that in tough conversations we’re speaking words but exchanging emotions.

Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.

Have a question or comment? Drop us a line at info@beyondthecrucible.com

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👉 Take the free Trials-to-Triumphs Self-Assessment to discover where you are on your journey of moving beyond your crucible and how to chart your personal course to a life of significance: https://beyondthecrucible.com/assessment/

Transcript

Warwick F:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax the founder of Crucible Leadership.

Sheila H:
One of the things that at the end of the day is true is that more than people will remember the facts of exactly who said what in the exchange, they're going to remember how they felt treated. And moving your purpose from, "Let me just reiterate and persuade you about why I'm right," to "And so my purpose is to have a learning conversation. I don't know whether I'll change my mind at the end of this, but I at least want to learn why we see it differently and how it's been for you and what you're worried about." And we also try to teach people to listen for feelings as well as listen for facts. Because if I can listen for feelings, I can really hear what's behind your concerns, objections, et cetera.

Gary S:
Conversations in which the goal is to learn what the other person's thinking and to have the other person learn what you're thinking, listening for feelings in conversations rather than trying to make points and win arguments, these are just two ways to navigate difficult conversations that we explore on today's episode. Hi. I'm Gary Schneeberger the cohost of the show and the communications director for Crucible Leadership.

Gary S:
And today we have an interview with Sheila Heen. Sheila is the founder of Triad Consulting Group, and she's been on the Harvard Law School faculty as a lecturer on law since 1995. Sheila spent more than 20 years with the Harvard Negotiation Project, developing negotiation theory and practice. She specializes in particularly difficult negotiations, what we might call crucible negotiations, where emotions run high and relationships become strained. For the purposes of our discussion today, Sheila is the coauthor of two New York Times best sellers.

Gary S:
The first book was Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, and her most recent book Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well, (Even When It Is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, And, Frankly, You're Not In The Mood). What you'll hear from this conversation today is how you can, especially in the midst of a crucible, allow for both sides in a conversation not only to speak, but to truly be heard. And as you'll hear from Sheila herself as we kick off her interview, she comes by her expertise in this area quite honestly.

Warwick F:
Well Sheila, it's an honor to have you. So just so the listeners know kind of how this all came about is, like many of us in the era of COVID, I have three adult kids in their 20s who are all wonderful people just pursuing different things. And my daughter is in the middle of my two sons. She said, "Dad, I came across this book and article on difficult conversations and I think the author that would be great to have on your podcast." So I took a look and I thought, "Wow. Well, we at Crucible Leadership and Beyond the Crucible we're all about bouncing back from adversity, and as you're doing that, you are going to have some difficult conversations. And so how do you do that well?" So I was fascinated by this.

Warwick F:
And I like to think I'm reasonably good at communications, fairly discerning, but I learned a lot just from reading some of the stuff that you've written Sheila. It's like, "Wow." I mean, I'm not bad in this area, but there's a lot I didn't know. So talk about what led you to write these books. And obviously one follows the other, Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback, but what was some of the genesis of that? Was there anything in growing up or... Often there's a story behind the story. But what was sort of the backstory that led you to focus so much of your working life on these two books?

Sheila H:
Yeah. It's such a good question. And it's interesting because I think when you look back on your life, things are much more clear than when you're living them at the time. Right? That's the challenge. But there's also a way in which you're stitching together things which may or may not be related. Right? But when I do look back, I think about the fact that... I grew up in the Midwest in Iowa and Nebraska where, although I don't think there were big secrets that were not talked about in my family, the general tenor I think is, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Sheila H:
And conflict was kind of a big deal. I have very vivid memories of the arguments between my parents that I witnessed because they were relatively rare, so I knew it was a big deal. And then in college, I went to college in California and got interested in public policy and international relations and was doing simulations, negotiating between the two World Wars, that kind of thing, and my advisor, as I was thinking about going to law school... my dad's a lawyer by the way, said, "I really have an instinct that this negotiation thing might be your thing, and if that's your thing, Harvard really is the center of some of the most interesting work being done."

Sheila H:
And that's kind of how I ended up at Harvard. But if we then also want to go one step further, I was in a really hard on-again, off-again relationship during law school. We kept breaking up and getting back together and breaking up and getting back together. And I knew in my heart of hearts this was not the right relationship for me, but I kept getting talked back into it. And I was simultaneously taking negotiation class, serving as a teaching assistant for negotiation class and trying to figure out why can I not negotiate my way out of this relationship?

Sheila H:
And a lot of it was a conversation with myself about whether I... He would say, "You're not giving it a fair shot," et cetera, and I'd think, "Well, I want to be fair so I guess..." And it took me a long time to realize this is not actually a negotiation. If I don't want to be in this relationship, he doesn't have to agree. And he can think I'm a terrible person and okay, I am hopeful he's not right about that but he can exist in the world and think that about me and that will not kill me. So that's a little bit of I think the backstory of what led me to what is missing from these negotiation skills and why am I so stuck when I think I'm a pretty thoughtful, reasonable person.

Sheila H:
And of course when I watch other people be in on-again, off-going relationships, I think, "Why are you being so stupid?" While I'm in one, while I can't seem to find the exit door. It keeps leading me back into the room.

Warwick F:
What it probably makes us think is, as smart as we all like to think we are, we have moments where we feel maybe we're kind of dumb and stupid. I mean, where we're kind of less than we... We're not operating at maximum intellectual, emotional, spiritual capacity and we're-

Sheila H:
I think that's exactly right. And sometimes I'm very aware that I'm not operating at my best and other times I'm so stuck that I can't see that I am stuck or why I'm stuck, whereas people around me see it faster than I can.

Warwick F:
Well, and that's why friends are useful. I mean, just one other point on this. Do you ever kind of... Obviously you're very familiar with your books and reread it and say, "Boy. Back when I was in California in that relationship, I needed to read or think about chapter six and seven and five. I had kind of..." Okay. But you could probably... Because you actually give examples on your book of relationships. You give professional examples, but relationship examples. And you look at that and say, "Diagnose it like self-autopsy, if you will. Yeah. That it was this and this that was really missing in that conversation."

Sheila H:
Yeah. And by the way, I can't take all the credit for that because what ended up happening is that I was doing independent research projects during law school with Doug Stone and Bruce Patton. We became coauthors of Difficult Conversations. And my third-year paper, which Bruce supervised was actually about a terrible interaction I had in an elevator when I went to renew my passport in Los Angeles. And there was someone in the elevator making these awful racist, demeaning comments, and we're in a packed elevator of people and no one said anything. And it was so upsetting. I just felt ill. I was trembling when I got out of the elevator and I felt ill for the rest of the day and every time I thought about it.

Sheila H:
And so I decided to take that moment as a moment of analysis to try to figure out what was going on with me, what was I trying to accomplish, what were my options that I couldn't see at the moment. And so I wrote that paper while Bruce and Doug were actually asking some of the same questions. So as I graduated and joined them full time, we found that we were coming at those questions from different directions, but that we were trying to see what are the patterns in what gets us stuck and what would help. And it turns out those patterns... The underlying structure of difficult conversations is the same, whether it's in your personal life or your professional life. And that's one of the reasons we wrote the book really with a huge range, every possible combination or context we could think of. We wanted to include real examples.

Warwick F:
And that's very helpful. And we're going to get into here in just a second just some of the key elements of difficult conversations. But as I reflect on this, I think as some listeners will know, I grew up in a large wealthy family newspaper business in Australia, it kind of had the equivalent of New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal. And like some other relatives of mine, I went did my undergrad at Oxford, worked on Wall Street banking, Harvard Business School. So I like to think I'm reasonably intelligent.

Warwick F:
And so I come back and I launched this two billion plus takeover and did so many dumb things. I mean, that was within months of graduating from Harvard Business School. It's meant to give you some level of understanding of things. And there was so many dumb... I even look back then... That must have been another person. I couldn't have been that... So many dumb assumptions. But often when you look beneath the waterline, it was various emotional dynamics. Without belaboring it too much, some other relatives had thrown my dad out as chairman 11 years before in '76. So come '87, I felt like the company wasn't being well run along the ideals of the founder, it wasn't being well managed.

Warwick F:
So there's all these emotional subtext in which my normal level of reasoning was subverted by some various emotional things that I wasn't fully aware of that led me to make some poor decisions. And the classic was, talk about difficult non-conversations, I was so focused on, "I don't need any more information. There's right, there's wrong, let's go." Sort of like the Charge of the Light Brigade. Launch this takeover. And I had conversations with other close family members who were heavily involved in the family business the night before. I'm doing this in the morning. Clearly I wasn't interested in listening, I was informing them. I mean, what is-

Sheila H:
Yes.

Warwick F:
It's a rhetorical question which you don't need to answer. But what is the point? That's not a conversation. That's like an edict. That's like a diatribe. I mean, it was just... I just blindsided them. I just can't believe I did that. I was just so stupid and disappointing any way. So all that's to say is bright people can make really dumb decisions because it's all this emotional feeling, identity subtext.

Gary S:
And that's an interesting-

Sheila H:
Yeah.

Gary S:
... point to sort of talk about... We talk about difficult conversations in the context of your book Sheila, but we've started to call them crucible conversations here at crucible leadership because... And what you just described Warwick is crucibles can be conversations that aren't had?

Warwick F:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Gary S:
Right? They can cause crucibles if you don't have conversations. And sometimes conversations can be... The actual difficult conversation itself can be a crucible. And I pulled a statistic or some stats, Sheila, from an article that someone wrote in reference to your book. And this was from a 2013 survey of 200 professionals. And this is what was found about people's attitudes toward difficult conversations.

Gary S:
97% of respondents said they were concerned about the associated levels of stress for the other person. 94% were worried about damaging the other person's self-esteem. 92% were fearful of causing upset. And this is the one that really got me. 80% of respondents said these conversations were part of their job. They had to have these difficult conversations. Eight of 10 people said they had to have them, but more than half indicated, they didn't feel like they had adequate training on how to conduct them. And I think that goes to speak to a couple of quotes from your book Difficult Conversations.

Gary S:
One, the idea that you got to have them, but you don't want to have them. You talk about how delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. So, that will kind of scare you off a little bit. So there's that aspect of it. But on the positive side, what you say in the book, is that we think there may be a broader organizational need driving interest in a business community. A recognition that the longterm success and even survival of many organizations may depend on their ability to master difficult conversations. That's a hard road to plow. A hard road to pave when 97% of people who responded, business professionals, say they're concerned about the levels of stress.

Sheila H:
Indeed it is. And I think part of what you're capturing in those statistics, I think, is the either-or choice that we feel. Warwick like you were saying, "I'm smart, I've run the numbers, I have the story that reinforces why I'm right about what I'm about to do, and that story feels like I'm just factually right about the risks and what we're putting on the line and how this is going to turn out." But of course at a deeper level, it's also about the story we tell ourselves about who am I and what are my responsibilities here? Or I'm playing the role of the hero who's going to save the day. Right?

Warwick F:
Right.

Sheila H:
And that's sort of happening at the deeper level. And Gary, when you raise how worried we are about creating stress for the other person, or emotional upset, or self-esteem issues, that's tied to identity because we're thinking, "Well, I don't want to be the kind of person who upsets other people." Right? "Or doesn't treat them fairly." But I'm now caught because I want to be a good colleague, but I don't know how to bring this up without being a bad person. And I think the problem is that we're thinking my choices are either explain to them why I'm right and they're wrong, or why they're the problem and they need to change or keep quiet about it.

Sheila H:
And one of the things we say in the book is that we are in a message-delivery sort of stance. So it's like, "Do I throw the hand grenade or not?" And holding onto it, not saying anything is no better. Right? Once the pin has been pulled, you can't hold on to the hand grenade.

Warwick F:
Either way damage will be done to you, to them.

Sheila H:
Either way damage is being done to you and to them. Yeah.

Warwick F:
Or to both. One of the things I think that's fascinating is you break down conversations into three areas, the "What happened?" conversation, the feelings conversation, and the identity. It made so much sense as I was reading it. And often I think, as you point out, we get into the "What happened?" They did that, this was wrong, or I said this, or we're just dealing in, "Well, let's talk about the facts." Okay. This business decision makes no sense, therefore I have to correct them. And you're not at all realizing there's a feeling and a subtext and identity. So talk about why we just tend to deal with the visible, if you will, with the what happened and why those other two components are so important.

Warwick F:
Because I think most of us and I like to think I'm reasonably good at communication, it's one of my highest values, but I don't think about those things consciously. So talk about the differences in those three.

Sheila H:
Yeah. So this is sort of the central learning for us that's captured in the book, which is that if we want to understand these conversations, because there's so much that people don't say to each other, because they're afraid to say it, you've got to look beyond what people say to what they're really each thinking and feeling and what we call their internal voice. And if you look at people's internal voices in the midst of a difficult conversation or a conflict, what you'll find is that they're very predictable. What we're preoccupied with is very predictable and it falls into those three buckets that you mentioned Warwick.

Sheila H:
The first is that we each have a story about what we call what happened, which includes what has happened up until this point... I've got a story about that, what is happening as you and I are, or aren't having this conversation and what we each think should happen. And that story itself actually has three sub-components because we're each preoccupied with what we're right about, whose fault it is that we're having this problem and to the extent that you're being difficult, I have a theory about why you're acting that way, what your intentions or motivations or character might be. You just don't get it.

Sheila H:
You're controlling, you're whatever. You won't listen to anybody, you're power-hungry. So that's our story about what happened and that's coming from both parties by the way. But then if you look a little deeper, by the time something becomes a difficult conversation, one and often both parties have strong feelings that we're trying to figure out what to do with maybe particularly in a professional context. And those feelings are often a bundle of frustration, anxiety, confusion, maybe self-doubt, anxiety, guilt. We're not talking about them, but they're infusing the conversation.

Sheila H:
And then at the deepest level, if something's a difficult conversation, what we started to notice is that there's something the situation suggests about you that feels like it's at stake. Am I kind or not kind if I'm going to have this conversation and hurt someone's feelings? Am I being fair or not fair? Am I competent? Do I know what I'm doing? Warwick I wonder to what extent the night before you heard people's doubts about the plan, your plan as maybe, "We don't believe in you. We're not sure you're worthy. We're not sure you're smart enough." And you're like, "I just came back from Harvard. All those people are maybe not smart enough but I'm bringing that 'wisdom' back with me." I don't know if you felt that as an identity hook in their doubts about you or about-

Warwick F:
Yeah.

Sheila H:
It's not really about you, but of course you hear it as doubts about me rather than doubts about my plan.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, I think you tend to believe your own truth as being absolute truth. Like these other members of my family threw my dad out as chairman, and I thought he was a brilliant intellectual person I admired and loved greatly. And how could they do that? So there was this emotional subtext. My parents reinforced me growing up, "Yep. The company is not being well run," and a bit too sensational and the papers, so I just had this feeling of this is true and this almost heroic type of thing. So I felt like, "Well, I don't need more information because I know what's true. It's patently obvious."

Warwick F:
I didn't need to ask them their opinion. Or maybe they thought my dad was hanging around too long and maybe it was time for a new direction. And I had this just notion of what was true, but some of these subtexts of emotions of how could they do this to such a wonderful person? This feeling of this was not fair, this is not just, not conscious. And then identity, my whole identity was wrapped up with Fairfax Media. And yeah. I mean, you tend to feel like it's a sacred cause, I know it's what are they... That phrase the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Beware of the person who's on some righteous crusade or mission. They can be good, but be careful.

Sheila H:
Yes. Absolutely.

Warwick F:
A lot of bad things are done by well-meaning people. Sometimes not intentionally.

Sheila H:
And I think that one of the things, I mean, you have lots of company in history of sons and daughters who have their life story and purpose wrapped up in, or certainly heavily influenced by sort of avenging what happened to their parents. I mean, my dad left his firm for ethics reasons. Right? And I think my own path of being an entrepreneur was heavily influenced by his view that organizations can make bad decisions and you need to stick up for what's right. So I also think that what we need to get out of, if you're going to have a better conversation and make good decisions, it means leaving behind each of us being focused on what we're right about and talking past each other, and instead shifting to get curious about, well, so why do we see this so differently? Why am I so sure that this is the right path? And why are you really not sure? To say the least.

Sheila H:
And if we can tease apart, what are you looking at and what am I looking at and why do we come to different conclusions here, we're at least going to have a better conversation where we're really listening to each other and we can isolate, are we looking at different things? Are we interpreting them differently? Do we have different predictions? Do you think this is the right path but now is not the right time? Often we're each actually right about what we think the conversation or the decision is about.

Sheila H:
And then shifting from blame to looking at what did we each contribute that got us here to this tough moment or to this place where there's conflict and friction between us, and that tells us if we each could change a couple of things, would we be able to work better together? Et cetera. So it's about actually first negotiating with your own internal voice, then stepping into the conversation with a very different stance.

Warwick F:
Yeah. It's so true. It's funny. I've kind of written a book that will get published next year that talks about leadership lessons through the lens of my story and some inspirational historical figures. So when it comes to myself it's typically I did this, don't do this, do this instead. And one of the things I talk about is some of what you're saying exactly right now is I had this belief of what is true about other family members, but I never sat down and chatted to them about, "Well, what's your perspective? What's your truth? What's your perspective?" And if I'd done that, maybe I would have learned some things. You can't always assume that your truth is the truth.

Warwick F:
So yeah. A lot of what you're saying, I look back on and saying, "Yeah. That would have been helpful." Even what I wanted to do in life. I really wasn't wired to be some Rupert Murdoch type of person. I'm more a reflective adviser. That's a whole nother conversation, which I talk a lot about in the book. But yeah. Just that sense of be willing to listen. I love that phrase you just mentioned, not so much focused on blame but contribution why you're each contributing to the situation. Talk about why that's such a huge paradigm shift, contribution versus blame.

Sheila H:
I think because, I mean, I think human beings when things go wrong, we instinctively look for whose fault is this. And that answer tends to be singular. If it's not, it's mostly your fault, it's at least those guys are the ones who dropped the ball. Right? It might be a group. And making a shift to say, "Look. Let's assume instead that everybody contributed in some way to the problem of where we are now." And it's not necessarily 50/50, it could be 90/10.

Sheila H:
But thinking about what did we each do or fail to do that got us here then actually tells us what would solve the problem and allows us to hold each other accountable for choices. That okay, these are some things I think I need to do differently, here's what would be helpful if you could do it differently, then let's check in. Because I don't want to have the same conversation next week and next month. And it allows us to actually signal that actually I don't think this is about blame, this is about actually making it better and solving the problem. And that's a really strong signal to send.

Sheila H:
What the research shows is that one of the most reliable ways to build trust or regain trust is to make what's called a statement against interest, being to say something that you would not say it because it's not good for you, except for the need to be honest. And owning your contribution to the problem, saying, "Looking back, there are some things I wish I had done differently that I think didn't help us," is a really strong signal that's a statement against interest. It's saying I'm not about blame, I just want this to get better.

Warwick F:
I think that's true. What I love about some of the examples you mentioned is, even if you don't think it's all your fault, just... I guess part of being a leader is being willing to go first to saying, "Well, I probably didn't help matters in that conversation when I said A or B," or "I assumed this and that about you and I'm sorry," or "That probably didn't help." Then you give the other person space potentially to say, "Yeah. I probably could have handled it better," rather than going in there all guns blazing saying, "Look. It ticks me off that you did A, B and C, and therefore you are A, and you are B."

Warwick F:
It's different as you point out saying, "It made me feel that." That's not saying it's truth, but saying you are... It's like it's your truth. So just that willing to be vulnerable and go first. It doesn't guarantee a positive contribution, but it helps. I mean that to me-

Sheila H:
It definitely helps.

Warwick F:
... makes so much sense.

Sheila H:
Yeah. It definitely helps. And also, if you look at the research, reciprocity is one of the strongest social norms. So if you blame me, I'm going to blame you back or blame somebody else. But if you take the initiative as a leader to be accountable for your part of the problem, it's much more likely that I'll lean in to own mine. Now what's the worst that could happen? The worst that could happen is I say, "Oh gosh Warwick. I'm so glad you finally admitted that this is all your fault." Right? This conversation is going so much better than I expected it to.

Sheila H:
But that doesn't have to be the end of the conversation. You can still then say, "Look. I do think that I did some things that didn't help. At the same time, I can't fix this by myself. I think actually there were a number of things that got us here and there are a couple of things that would be helpful if you might be willing to change them." So that the risk that we feel we're taking is a risk that you can also influence over time. If they don't take the invitation right away, be patient and keep at it.

Warwick F:
Absolutely.

Gary S:
And because so much of what we're talking about here is emotions, it's the emotional undercurrent of the conversation, we're speaking words to each other, but what we're really doing is imparting emotions to each other. That's the thing that's not being seen in word clouds above our heads. Because that's true, when you do those kinds of things, when there is reciprocity of, "Okay. I could have done this differently," or "Boy. I messed this up a little bit," it's true that that deescalates, and it can deescalate rather quickly the negative emotions of a conversation. And that helps it move to a place where it's beneficial and healing. Is that fair?

Sheila H:
I think that's really fair and I'm glad you brought that up, Gary, because one of the things that at the end of the day is true is that more than people will remember the facts of exactly who said what in the exchange, they're going to remember how they felt treated. And moving your purpose from, "Let me just reiterate and persuade you about why I'm right," to "And so my purpose is to have a learning conversation. I don't know whether I'll change my mind at the end of this, but I at least want to learn why we see it differently and how it's been for you and what you're worried about." And we also try to teach people to listen for feelings, as well as listen for facts. Because if I can listen for feelings, I can really hear what's behind your concerns, objections, et cetera.

Warwick F:
And it just seems like so-

Sheila H:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
... much as you write in the book, what lies behind the conversation is sense of feelings and identity. And the more that you try to understand yourself and certainly understand the other person or through a learning conversation, that helps. I mean, that's so important. I know sometimes I'll be angry or fearful and I'll be like... And I won't know why. And so for me, if it's personal, first stop would be my wife I'd say, "But I'm feeling fearful about something, but I don't know what it is." And we'll chat. And nine times out of 10, she'll nail it or we'll figure it out. And then, "Okay. Now I can deal with..." Or identity, I'm far more attuned to that.

Warwick F:
So the more we understand feelings and identity about ourself, it's a big help if we react with like, "Why did I react that way? Was it feelings? Was it identity?" And the more we can... You can't know somebody else's feelings and identity but you can explore and probe. I mean that to me, that's... Talk about why that is so huge, and dealing with feelings and identity, both in yourself and having a learning conversation with others. Why is that a game changer rather than sticking in the what happened circle.

Sheila H:
I think because what you're hearing is what's really at the heart of it. So by the time something becomes a difficult conversation, typically you've got two problems. You've got the surface problem of whatever we're arguing about. For instance, I've had several conversations in the last three weeks with my parents about, are we going to be able to get together at Christmas or not?

Sheila H:
So I live on the East Coast now, one of my sisters actually lives down the street from me in the same town on the East Coast, my parents still live in Nebraska, my other sister lives an hour away from them in Nebraska. We alternate years. So this is a Heen year. And my parents keep bringing up have we made a decision about Christmas? And I keep saying I don't think we can make a decision yet. Right?

Warwick F:
Right.

Sheila H:
And as long as I'm focused on what's the factual question we're trying to decide, is it safe? You guys are in a hotspot now. We used to be the hotspot. What would it entail? What risks would we be taking? We can talk about that factual thing, but the deeper question is how are we feeling treated around this? Do you care enough about us? We're feeling lonely. We miss you guys. I feel like you're arguing the facts, but that facts aren't what's actually causing me to bring this up again. I just feel sad. And I think the deeper issue is often how I'm feeling generally or how I'm feeling treated in the relationship.

Sheila H:
And so we might solve the surface issue if we stay there, but then the deeper issue is going to reinvent itself as whatever the next argument is, or the next topic that we're not agreeing about. So listening for feelings and identity is really getting to the deeper issue that is trying to be expressed whether or not it's even conscious sometimes.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I want to shift just a little bit to Thanks for the Feedback, to at least touch on it, because I feel like obviously one they're very linked, it feels like. I mean-

Sheila H:
They are. Yes.

Warwick F:
... inevitably...

Gary S:
Yeah. It's like The Godfather Part II. It's the sort of the sequel to the-

Warwick F:
There you go.

Gary S:
... the first.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I wonder if they had a different way of dealing with difficult conversations.

Gary S:
Yeah. For sure.

Sheila H:
They did.

Warwick F:
Maybe not-

Sheila H:
They did.

Warwick F:
... but why have them?

Sheila H:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
But I was fascinated by so often there's a lot of literature about, okay, here's how you need to give feedback, but talking about how you receive feedback, that's a different paradigm. You talk about truth, relationship, identity triggers so it's... Because yeah. I mean, as I tell my adult kids, don't assume you're going to get a good boss. I tell them most bosses are probably not going to be that good. That's just the way life is. Most bosses, they hate giving feedback and the first time you'll get feedback is, "Well, I hate giving feedback, so you're fired." "So. I mean, say what?"

Sheila H:
What?

Warwick F:
"Well, I just don't like doing it. So, here's the pink slip." It's like, "Really?" "Yeah. Sorry. But bye."

Gary S:
And even though I'm a word guy and I'm terrible at math, I'll be the numbers guy again and read some statistics again about this issue. To your point Warwick about bosses, generally some aren't good especially at this. This is actually from an article that you wrote Sheila a few years back for the Harvard Business Review. Only 36% of managers complete appraisals thoroughly and on time. That's just over one third. In one recent survey, 55% of employees said their most recent performance review had been unfair or inaccurate. And one in four said they dread such evaluations more than anything in their working lives.

Gary S:
When senior HR executives were asked about their biggest performance management challenge, 63% cited manager's inability or unwillingness to have difficult feedback discussions. That is a huge problem in the workplace. And those statistics are crucible experiences waiting to happen. Going back to the words you used in your Difficult Conversations book, it's those are hand grenades waiting to be thrown.

Sheila H:
Yeah. I think that that's right. And I think that those statistics aren't going to be better this year for us working remotely from each other, having a hard... Any goals that we set at the beginning of the year probably have either gone totally out the window or been heavily revised. And the sense of is this going to feel fair and how do we connect with each other? This is actually a current project that we're working on right now, which is to put out resources for people to have richer and more meaningful conversations as we do check ins, as we turn the corner on the year, we settle in for the next six months of working remotely.

Sheila H:
Because I think the question of can we connect and can we wrestle together with the challenges of offering honest and meaningful and fair feedback and taking in what others see, experience the impact we have on them and to sort it for what's valuable and not let it destroy us at the same time, I think is the central challenge.

Warwick F:
And I think for most human beings, receiving feedback is just so hard. I mean, you hear books saying use a three to one ratio, three to positive to one negative, but I'll hear some high performers say, "Don't tell me about any of the good stuff. I just want to know where I need to grow." Which is in my view stupid. You need to be told-

Gary S:
To use the technical business term-

Warwick F:
Exactly. Yeah.

Gary S:
... from Harvard Business School.

Sheila H:
Yup.

Gary S:
Stupid.

Warwick F:
Exactly.

Sheila H:
Stupid. Yes.

Warwick F:
You need to know the areas where you actually did poorly... where you did well at. In fact, I often find, I will remember the bad stuff, but if you ask me five minutes later, "Okay. You were just told by your family or by somebody at work, there were five things you did well, what were those five things?" "Is I really can't remember. I can't process good feedback", which is a whole other discussion which I think is fascinating.

Warwick F:
But it's just so hard. And I love these sort of truth, relationship, identity. I mean, you may believe it's not true or, "Oh. My boss is awful and they're clueless and I despise everything about them." Whether it's their lifestyle, their politics, the way they manage, they might be conventional, might not have an entrepreneurial bone in their body, and they're giving me feedback? Come on? They're clueless.

Warwick F:
Or identity. If somebody said to you, "Well, gosh Sheila. I know you think you're a pretty good professor, but actually maybe not so much." Well that strikes at the identity of who you are. It's like, "Excuse me? Really? I think if there's room for improvement, I think I'm pretty good." Or me, I've done a lot of executive coaching and, "Gee, you're a terrible executive coach." "Wow. Really? I thought I'm pretty good at listening to people and discerning." And so that's tough stuff. I mean, I read it, but to receive feedback when it is used for relationship and identity triggers and I mean... How do you deal with that? I mean, that's tough.

Sheila H:
Yeah. Well, so I think the shift for us was the shift from thinking about how to give feedback effectively to, "Well, gosh, what's so hard for all of us about receiving it?" Whether it's formal, like those dreaded reviews or informal like I got taken off the project without any conversation because my boss won't have the conversation. How do I figure out whether that even is feedback? So maybe I'll just say a couple of things about it. One is that what we found is all of us really do have three kinds of triggered reactions when we have feedback incoming, direct or indirect.

Sheila H:
And as you say, one is truth triggers. What's wrong with the feedback? Is it accurate? Does it fully understand the situation? Is it good or bad advice? Would it work? It's all about assessing the quality of the feedback itself. The second is a relationship trigger and that is everything around who gave me the feedback. Do I like them? Do I trust them? Do I think they're credible? Do I want to be like them? What are their real motives? Et cetera. And the irony here is the who looms larger than the what. The who actually... People that we find difficult and don't want to be like sometimes actually are valuable sources of learning for us. Right?

Sheila H:
They bring out our worst, it's their fault, but of course it is our worst, and annoyingly. They can sometimes have valuable things to offer. And then the third is an identity trigger and that's the story we have about who we are and also our sensitivity to feedback. What we found is that individual sensitivity can vary by up to 3000%.

Warwick F:
Wow.

Sheila H:
So for some people you're really under-sensitive and people have to really hit you over the head before you even understand that it is feedback for you, and for others, you're going to hear feedback in any little hint of anything even beyond what anybody intends. So figuring out how do I understand my own profile around feedback and how do I coach other people on how to give me feedback effectively is part of the journey of becoming better at receiving.

Warwick F:
Well, that's fascinating because for some people that may be, "Yeah. You'll need to hit me with a two-by-four before I listen." Me-

Sheila H:
Yeah. And saying, "Do hit me with the two-by-four by the way."

Warwick F:
Yeah. Me I guess I'm wired at the other end of the spectrum, because I get discerning pretty well, so you don't have to yell. You just say something softly, message received. I mean, I may agree or disagree, but I'm the other end. So yeah. Don't yell or shout. No. Don't use a two-by-four with me because it won't be very effective. But that's so valuable. But gosh. I mean this whole... I mean obviously they're very lengthy feedback and difficult conversations, but it's just... I love the phrase you used about need to grow and be accepted. If feedback was done better, it would be a game changer in our world, if people were really focused on giving it in a way that could be heard and people would receive it in a way, even if it was done poorly, "Gosh. Maybe this jerk is telling me something. I can't believe it. It's actually helpful even though I despise who he is," kind of deal.

Sheila H:
Yeah. And I think for me the most... And I know we're short on time, so maybe I'll offer the most hopeful and powerful thing that I've found personally in this journey for myself, which is that by understanding what's so hard about receiving and understanding that receiving feedback is actually a distinct leadership skill and I can get better at it, I can get better. And if I become better at it as a leader, the receiving side, then I actually become a better giver myself, I have better feedback conversations in all directions.

Sheila H:
But to me, the thing that really lands it for me is that that actually means that I don't have to wait around for the perfect mentor to show up or wait around for somebody to have time for me. I can actually be reflective about and ask for what I need from people. And we have a theory about what people do need, which is three different types of feedback. Appreciation, and that might be words, but for other people, "I don't need to hear the words. They're embarrassing and put me on the spot. But the fact that you come to me with your toughest problems makes me feel appreciated." So I need to think about what makes me feel seen and appreciated and when do I need some of that.

Sheila H:
Coaching, which is just the engine for learning. Anything designed to help me improve counts as coaching. And what do I want coaching about and who might be able to offer it to me? Not just the person above me, but people in my own team. They have coaching for me, they're just not telling me because they don't know if I want to know. And how do I ask for one thing that I might think about regularly that I could change?

Warwick F:
And that's so helpful. Don't ask for everything, ask for one thing. It's funny when I think of great leaders and it's tough in our world today to think of them. But you look back in history and as I'm sure you know Abraham Lincoln is voted pretty much every year by historians as the greatest president, and Washington's number two but they always vote for Lincoln. And you think about some of his personality characteristics, he had this ability to receive feedback better than pretty much most people I know.

Warwick F:
Like there's one time somebody said, "Well, Mr. Lincoln, I believe in this area you're an idiot." And he said, "Well, you're probably right, but tell me why." His first reaction wasn't, "How could you possibly call me Abraham Lincoln an idiot." He said, "But I'd like to learn." So he combined certainly a lot of drive and is extremely secure with a sense of humility, a sense of curiosity, a sense of willingness to learn, not just accept what was given to him. So I often think it's the character behind the leader that determines greatness. So as you're talking about how to receive feedback, here's a pretty good example of best practice of how to do it, how to do it well, how to receive it and not just instantly reject it.

Sheila H:
I love that example because it really shifts us from our instinct often, which is the feedback is incoming and I have to decide as it's coming in and do I agree with it or do I not agree with it? Is this good feedback, helpful feedback? Is it right or is it wrong? And Lincoln, your example from Abraham Lincoln really says, "I reserve the right to decide later whether I think there's something valuable here. My purpose in this conversation is just to learn more about what you see and then I can sort for myself what's valuable about it and set the rest of it aside."

Sheila H:
And that actually diffuses the tension in the conversation because it leaves me more open to learning and listening because I'm not deciding. I have to first understand it, then I can decide what I want to take from it later. And that's just gives you a ton of freedom and humility in the conversation.

Warwick F:
Absolutely.

Gary S:
I can see the flight attendants are coming through the cabin to pick up our peanut bags-

Sheila H:
They're tapping their foot.

Gary S:
They're coming through the cabin to pick up our peanut bags. So the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign and it's time to land the plane in a bit, not now yet, but in a bit. But there's something you wrote Sheila, in this article that I referred to from the Harvard Business Review back in 2013 about why feedback is hard. And to hear you describe it as a leadership skill, to receive feedback is itself a leadership skill, and then to see this reason that you explain why it's difficult, I think those things coalesce really nicely into why these can be crucible moments for people and that the difficulty of receiving feedback you wrote, what makes it hard is that it hits at the juncture of our need to grow and our need to be accepted as who we are.

Gary S:
It's almost a push me, pull you kind of situation. It can feel like it's dissonant. How do we get beyond that? How do we move beyond that? You had mentioned that there are three types of feedback. I think I heard you say appreciation and coaching. Was there a third one that we missed?

Sheila H:
There's a third one, which is evaluation.

Gary S:
Okay.

Sheila H:
And evaluation rates or ranks you. It tells you where you stand, how you're doing against some set of criteria or expectations. And I would say we need all three kinds to learn and grow, but we need different kinds at different times. And evaluation, Gary, coming back to what you were just mentioning is the most emotionally volatile. Being judged, measured, ranked, assessed, whether you're worthy enough is the one that gets everybody's attention. I think that's the one where we feel most acutely that tension between genuinely wanting to grow and get better.

Sheila H:
If you look at the happiness research, getting better at things is a big piece of what makes life satisfying. It's why people are listening to this podcast by the way. But we also deeply need to be seen and accepted and respected and loved the way we are now, and that's the tension that shows up most acutely around evaluation. So I would say, you were talking Warwick about ratios, of positive and negative, evaluation by the way it can be positive. Like that was the best episode we've ever done.

Sheila H:
That doubles as appreciation, but it is a judgment compared to something. But what I would say is that we really should be appreciating and coaching throughout the year, day in and day out in small practices and how we work together. And that actually takes some of the pressure off of at the end of the year, like so let's just get a sense where we stand. So that tells us, what do we want to work on next? What do we want to improve? What are our priorities for next year? And Carol Dweck's work on shifting from a fixed mindset, "I'm good enough or not good enough, smart enough or not smart enough," to a growth mindset, "I am learning my whole life and feedback is a way to get a sense of where I stand and what I could do and work on next as a leader," I think is part of what helps us sit with those two, wanting to grow and be accepted, and hear feedback, not as verdict or imprint, but instead as input.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I mean, great leaders they want to learn and grow. And just as we sort of sum up, I mean, I think most of us think we're in about as divided a world as we've ever been. Maybe every generation says that, I don't know. Maybe they have for thousands of years. But it does feel that way. People are in their own tribes and they're hearing their own truth and the self-reinforcing and it's hard to solve the world's big problems if everybody thinks they're right.

Warwick F:
And there are all these camps and nobody's talking and nobody's listening. It's easy to feel hopeless amidst the division that's tearing this country and a lot of other places apart. Do you have a message of hope amidst difficult conversation and receiving feedback of how we can get out of this cycle of I'm right, you're wrong and lack of learning, lack of listening, lack of understanding, lack of awareness, lack of a bunch of things. Is there a message of hope for a world that needs hope right now?

Sheila H:
Yeah. I mean, I think you're right that it really feels like at least in the United States, our country is in a crucible moment, and that everyone is yelling about what they're right about and frustrated that they feel misunderstood or dismissed or unheard. And shifting to think about what does the other side, whatever that means to you in whatever conversation you're in, what do they feel frustrated that I don't understand about them?

Sheila H:
And what I hear is people talking, we would say talking past each other, because they're talking about two different topics, so that they're each yelling about what they're right about, but they're right about different things. I don't know if you want to include political examples, but you can think about Black Lives Matter and All Lives Matter are talking about two completely different topics. Black Lives Matter is trying to say they are treated as if they don't matter and black people are disproportionately impacted by... Fill in the blank. Everything.

Sheila H:
And saying All Lives Matter is raising a different question, which is, do we feel like in saying black lives matter, dismissing the other people? Well, it's also true that all lives matter. That is true. So that's right. They're both right. But they're talking past each other. I saw a post this morning about our new Supreme Court nominee saying what did she ever do to Democrats? And Democrats would say, "Nothing. That's not the point. The point is whether we should be rushing someone through this process right now."

Sheila H:
And so that we're just talking past each other. And I think for me... And by the way, I live in a split political household myself and in a split political family, and to me it's about what do we each feel frustrated that the other doesn't understand about what matters to us. And if we can sort of flip hats to say, "Rather than me being frustrated what you don't get about me, let me focus on what you're frustrated I don't get about you," is where the conversation can happen.

Warwick F:
I almost remind... I think it was St. Francis of Assisi, he said something like, "Seek first to understand rather than be understood."

Sheila H:
Yeah.

Warwick F:
Yeah. I think no matter how right we may be about whatever it is, if we would actually try to understand the other point of view, I think the world would be a better place. But it's hard to do that.

Sheila H:
It's hard to do that. And social media isn't really dialogue, it's serial monologue. And that makes it harder. So we're all reacting to a conversation that we're not even in, but it's happening around us too as well.

Gary S:
Indeed.

Warwick F:
Well said.

Sheila H:
So... Yeah.

Gary S:
And I have been in the communications business long enough to know that that is the last word. And when the last word is spoken as well as that last word was spoken, it's time to land the plane for sure. I won't do that though. I would be remiss if I landed the plane before Sheila I gave you a chance to let listeners know how they can connect with you online, how they can learn more about you, your books and your services.

Sheila H:
So one of the gifts of having a very unique last name is that I'm easy to find. So Sheila Heen. You will find Triad Consulting very quickly. And we have a page called Help Yourself where there are resources. We also will have ready in November some kits that leaders can use quick prep to get ready to have more meaningful conversations with the people around them and a kit for team members to get the most out of their own review conversations. And like, "I got feedback, now what? What do I do with it?" And so those will be available through the Triad Consulting website. We also have a Facebook page of course, and I'm also on LinkedIn. So you can find me on any of those places.

Gary S:
Fabulous. Well, I'm going to do what I do at the end of every episode. And I've never said this before, but it's always very... I feel inadequate because I'm trying to sum up a conversation with someone who graduated from Harvard Business School and someone who has taught at Harvard Law School. So here goes nothing. I think there's three points listeners that you can pull from this very robust conversation that we had with Sheila Heen today about difficult conversations and the power of, and the difficulty of feedback, which is sort of a fourth kind of difficult conversation.

Gary S:
Point number one, your choices when it comes to difficult conversations are not simply to explain why you're right and why the other person is wrong or avoiding it all together. Those aren't your only two choices. There is a third way. In fact, there are multiple third ways. You can think of difficult conversations, which we call crucible conversations as an opportunity to listen, not talk. An opportunity to hear not just their audible voice, but their internal voice. Aim to understand in those difficult conversations first, not to persuade. Two focus not on blame but on contribution.

Gary S:
I'm going to say that again. Don't focus in a difficult conversation on blame, who's right, who's wrong, but on contribution. Do not assume that one person is completely responsible for the problem you're discussing, but that each of you is responsible for aspects of it. Owning your responsibility in the crisis frees up others to own their part as well. And a crisis can deescalate quickly, as Sheila pointed out, a crisis can deescalate quickly when that kind of breakthrough occurs. And then the third point on the subject of receiving feedback, and that's to remember this, that receiving feedback is in and of itself a leadership skill.

Gary S:
Don't be afraid to ask for feedback. There's three basic types, appreciation, coaching and evaluation. And here's perhaps the best tip of all. Don't ask for it all in one big lump, you can ask for things individually and you can ask with time in between them. Don't overdo it because it can be difficult to receive. It's difficult to give, it can be difficult to receive. So ask for it as it comes up, as it comes along. You don't have to wait for annual evaluations. You can ask as time goes on.

Gary S:
Thank you listener for spending your time with us on this episode of Beyond The Crucible. Warwick and I have a little favor to ask you if you've enjoyed what you've heard here, if you've found our conversation with Sheila Heen helpful, please click subscribe on the podcast app you're listening to this on right now. That will ensure that you will never miss a conversation. And we have one every week. That is just about as robust on all kinds of different subjects on how you can overcome your crucibles and find hope and healing.

Gary S:
And until the next time that we're together, remember this about crucible experiences, that they are painful, they are traumatic, they are tragic sometimes, they do change the trajectory of your life. But here's the good news, they're not the end of your story. A crucible experience is not a period on a sentence that describes your life. It's a comma. And you get to determine what you write next. And if you learn the lessons of your crucible, if you apply those lessons to your vision and you make that vision a reality, what comes after that comma can be the most rewarding chapter of your book and the most rewarding time of your life. Because where it ends up, the path it leads to, the road it puts you on is to a life of significance.

Want to be a leader known as strong, confident, honest, transparent and secure? Vulnerability can pave your way to all those adjectives — if you employ it wisely. Host Warwick Fairfax discusses with co-host Gary Schneeberger the helpful and the not-so-helpful ways you can be open about yourself. When vulnerability works, they explain, it can help your team members weather crucibles they’re going through today — and inoculate them against those yet to come.

Enjoy the show? Leave a review on your favorite podcast app and leave a comment at our YouTube channel. And be sure subscribe and tell your friends and family about us.

Have a question or comment? Drop us a line at info@beyondthecrucible.com

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Transcript

Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership. Vulnerability done right, which is for a purpose focused on helping your team, is a sign of strength. It's actually a sign of inner self-confidence. Those that pretend to be, have never made a mistake, that's often a sign of insecurity. When you're secure within yourself, when you're confident within who you are, you don't mind people seeing the authentic real you that's has doubts and fears that's made mistakes.

Does that sound like the kind of leader you want to be? A leader who's strong. A leader who's self-confident, honest, open, and transparent. A leader who is secure. If so, then you're going to really enjoy today's episode.

Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, the co-host of this show and the communications director for Crucible Leadership, and today's episode is all about vulnerability, but not vulnerability in a vacuum. Vulnerability as Warwick puts it, "For a purpose." Vulnerability that is designed to build community with your team, designed to build camaraderie with your team, trust, designed to take your team to the next level. So, sit back and enjoy this conversation about vulnerability with a purpose.

Vulnerability is a lot in the news. People like Brené Brown, who wrote a fantastic book, Daring Greatly, and is one of the top TEDx speakers. She talks a lot about vulnerability as a tool for creating communication with your team's trust, empathy, all of which we'll get into. But really the kind of genesis and the purpose of this is how do you actually do it? Vulnerability for a purpose, do you just talk about every dumb thing you've ever done, or I mean how do you use it in a way that's productive with your team and in leadership? Because who wants to just spew out every dumb thing they've ever done? That may make you look vulnerable, but it could also make you look stupid. And nobody wants to follow somebody that's, "Yes. Let me just tell you about every dumb mistake I've made pretty much every day for my whole life, and I'm really a clueless moron-

Right.

... who's just messes with people's lives, and really just destroys everything I ever touch. So, let me talk about that." I mean-

Right.

... that wouldn't be too helpful.

No. And there's a concept in general communication with folks about oversharing. We all have known people. Let's raise our hands. We've all been the person who's overshared sometimes in conversation, and this is a similar kind of thing, vulnerability. You can be over vulnerable and that sort of diffuses the thing that makes vulnerability a positive.

And one of the first places that Warwick and I wanted to start when we started to brainstorm talking about this was as we do a lot of times when we have these episodes where it's just Warwick and I talking, we'll go to the dictionary and we'll look up, "Hey. What does it say about forgiveness in the dictionary? What does it say about humility? What does it say about ..." So, we went to the dictionary and looked up vulnerable in the dictionary, and the dictionary, listener, was zero help because here's what the dictionary says. And I actually went to a thesaurus at dictionary.com, and here's some synonyms for vulnerable, okay?

So, we're at the outset of a podcast where we're going to talk about the benefits of vulnerability with a purpose. And this is what dictionary.com's thesaurus says are synonyms, things that mean the same as vulnerability. Defenselessness, exposed, unsafe, weak, naked, on the spot, out on a limb, sitting duck, unprotected, and my personal favorite, sucker. Those who are vulnerable according to dictionary.com are suckers, but here's the antonyms for vulnerable. The antonyms, the words that mean the opposite according to thesaurus.com, dictionary.com, guarded, protected, safe, secure, strong. That's what our definitions that we use in our day-to-day lives tell us about vulnerability, and it's fair to say, Warwick, isn't it, that we wanted to have this conversation to get people to think differently about vulnerability and to apply it differently?

Right. I mean listening to those dictionary definitions which are fascinating, most people are going to be thinking, "Well, I want to be safe. I want to be secure. I want to be strong. I don't want to be a sucker. I don't want to be weak." And so, if you were just going by the dictionary, it'd be pretty clear. Don't be vulnerable.

Right.

It doesn't make any sense, but yet I think it's beginning to change in our culture that more and more leadership thinkers are beginning to say, "Vulnerability does make sense if done right." But I guess the dictionary is still catching up with some of the thought leaders out there, so, yeah, go figure.

Now, I did find several articles, and there were a number of definitions of vulnerability or views of vulnerability that were positive. And here's one I got from an article from a magazine, online magazine called medium.com, and this will be sort of I think the jumping off point for our discussion here, and that is this. This author, Tony Fahkry, wrote this about vulnerability. "Vulnerability is an act of courage because you merge with your authentic self instead of hiding behind a façade to appease others." What's your reaction to that as a definition?

Yeah. It's really good. I mean I think of vulnerability and authenticity as very closely linked. Authenticity again is a concept in amongst thought leaders that become pretty popular in with more and more people today. They're just tired of the plastic, the unauthentic, that kind of be who you think people should be or people want you to be. It's just something that it's not really attractive anymore.

We had somebody on a podcast, Chris Tuff, who wrote a book, The Millennial Whisperer, and one of the things he said is, "More and more millennials, which are 20-somethings to early 30s, they want real. They want authentic. They want vulnerable. They want people that'll have a personal connection." And so, those are the folks that are working with mid-level leaders, senior leaders, so authenticity and vulnerability are closely linked. They want to work with somebody that's real not somebody that pretends they don't have a hair out of place. It's just like, "Yep. Everything is been good. I've just gone from success to success," and if you admit that you fail or have any fears, well, you're a loser or you're just not really a successful person. That's just a terrible image that we see over in our culture, but authenticity and vulnerability are definitely closely linked.

Well, I can say for certainty to our viewers on YouTube that I indeed don't have a hair out of place. For those of you who are just listening on an app, I'm bald, so I do not have a hair out of place. But that's only in the absolute, literal sense. Figuratively, there are plenty of figurative hairs out of place here.

It's interesting, Warwick, when we sort of hatched this idea, when you hatched this idea for the podcast, this topic, you sort of put it around the theme of vulnerability for a purpose. And as we've been discussing it, we've sort of talked about it as vulnerability for a purpose for a purpose, and that's not just being redundant for because we mistyped something. It's vulnerability for a purpose making sure that it's something that serves a purpose, but at the same time, the purpose that it serves beyond just making sure you're not sharing too much is in the context of why we're here at Beyond the Crucible. The purpose is to help people with crucible experiences.

And I want to set you up with a couple of points that we can talk about to sort of begin to unpack this for the audience, and that it's kind of a two-pronged approach to the purpose of vulnerability used on purpose. One is to be able to inoculate your team in case those crucibles come, and they will, as we've experienced, as our guests have experienced. Crucibles will come. So, one reason to be vulnerable with your team, to be vulnerable with others is to inoculate them for what's to come.

Another reason to do it is to help them overcome crucibles, move beyond the crucible, as the title of this podcast is, after those crucibles have come. So, it's kind of preventative medicine, and it's kind of treatment at the same time. Vulnerability is, isn't it?

Yeah. It's very true because we talk a lot about crucibles on this podcast, Beyond the Crucible, because that's kind of what it's all about. But when you think about it, when you've had a trauma, and we've interviewed people, a variety of traumas, whether it's been abandoned orphan, a woman naval officer whose husband died in a Top Gun training accident, the woman that was permanently disabled growing up at age 11, a variety of different traumas. And when that happens, you're going to feel very vulnerable. It's one of the most vulnerable times in life.

And so, in a business leadership or organizational context, it could be maybe corporate's going to be downsizing your unit. Maybe there'll be jobs will be on the line. Maybe there are things going on your personal life whether it's divorce or challenges with kids or maybe a mom or dad has just gotten Alzheimer's. We come to work as whole human beings. We don't sort of separate it all, so your team may be going through a whole variety of personal and professional challenges.

And so, it's important to obviously relate to them as humans, but to be vulnerable and just show them whether they're going through crucible or not, what it is like to be real and be vulnerable so that maybe when they go through something, that you might have an occasion where their work performance is going down a bit, and you're getting on them. But maybe you don't know that they're about to go through a divorce, or as I mentioned maybe they've got a sibling with a cancer or Alzheimer's. There could be all sorts of things that if you don't feel it's a safe place to share, you may not bring that to the workplace.

Right.

And so, you may be getting on them saying, "Hey, come on. The numbers aren't being met. It's holding everybody up." So, a climate of vulnerability can create somewhere where a place where you will know what's happening, and then if you know what's happening, you can actually help them and empathize. So, creating that space, that safe space of vulnerability, whether they're going through a crisis or will go through a crisis at a crucible moment is really key to have an effective team, to be honest.

And we will very quickly kind of unpack some real-world examples and ways in which folks can practice vulnerability in the right way on purpose for a purpose. But one of the things I think is so fascinating, Warwick, about vulnerability as it relates to Crucible Leadership is I don't think it's too big of a stretch to say that Crucible Leadership was borne out of your vulnerability.

And listeners who've been with us for a while, who've heard some of the earlier podcasts, have heard your story. But the pivot point of your story, and I'm going to ask you to tell it again here, the pivot point of your story when you were asked by your pastor in your church to share your crucible, you had to be vulnerable. And out of that vulnerability, some pretty incredible things happened in your church that led to Crucible Leadership.

Yeah. I mean that is true. It's ironic we're talking about vulnerability. Vulnerability in a sense is the core of the whole brand-

Right.

... book, podcast. It's kind of what it's all about. Sometimes, you forget because we do it so often. You almost take it for granted, but, yeah, I mean for listeners that may not have heard other podcasts or the story, basically in summary, I grew up in a large family media business. It had been in my family for 150 years. It had the Australian equivalent of the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal. It had magazines, newsprint mills, radio stations, TV stations. It was a very large company.

And I was a fifth generation, and basically, my dad died in early '87. I felt like the company wasn't being run well or run along the ideals of the founder. I was fresh back from Harvard Business School having worked on Wall Street and gone to Oxford previously. So, I launched this $2.25 billion takeover I thought for noble reasons, but it ended up not working. Family sold out. We had too much debt, and three years later, the company went into bankruptcy. So, that was sort of the genesis of the Crucible Leadership, in particular, the way back.

So, sharing that, I mean it caused me lots of pain, and the '90s were pretty difficult years, dark years, if you will. So, where that the pivot point where I realized by being vulnerable and sharing this story could help people was when the pastor of my church in Maryland, which actually 12 years ago now, a long time ago, asked me to share a sermon illustration. He was giving a sermon on the life of David and he was running away from Saul, and sort of a righteous man falsely persecuted. I said, "Well, that's not me, but I'm happy to share my story." And somehow even though there weren't any media moguls in the congregation that I know of, somehow it struck a chord with people because I was able to share what I went through, what I felt like since it's a church. A few lessons maybe God was teaching me by being vulnerable and sharing what I'd gone through and some lessons. It helped people.

So, I say, "Wow. If by sharing my story it can help people, that's worth the pain of sharing it." Frankly, after you've shared it a fair amount, it actually does get a bit easier. But, yeah, I mean it did seem to be vulnerability for a purpose. There did seem to be a purpose in sharing the story. Now, I've shared it on podcasts, blogs, and different places, so, yeah. I mean it's oftentimes people write books or they talk about, Follow me. I'm super successful," and I don't know. Sometimes, we learn more from our pain and our failures, and I think people can relate more to people that are willing to be honest about their failures and mistakes than ...

Yes, you can learn from people who are being successful, but there's something about failure and mistakes that maybe draws you in a bit closer. Maybe you even learn more in some strange way.

I've talked about this before and in conversations that we've had. It's the idea of being vulnerable for a purpose. One of the greatest purposes that I've experienced in the vulnerability of others, and that includes you, is when someone like you who had a failure that's that large, that was that confidence shattering, it's easier to be able to say, "I'm not alone." And it's not negative to say ... And you've said that people have said that to you. People have said to you, "Well, geez. My failure doesn't look so bad." And it's not an insult, and you have not taken that as an insult to you. It's empowering to share your experience. It empowers others to have had, "Okay. I'm okay that I've had that experience."

I compare that many times to the fact that I spent time in AA. I am 23 years sober as this is being recorded, and that walking into that first meeting, hearing people get up and talk about their alcoholism was enormously helpful to me because they were being vulnerable and that made me realize what I thought I was unique in, I was not, that there were other people like me. So, when a leader is open about failure, setbacks, traumas, tragedies, crucibles, that is empowering to the team, is it not?

It is. I mean one of the probably foundational principles of vulnerability is it creates connection. It creates a sense as you say, very rightly so, Gary, that you feel like, "I'm not alone," and you feel like you can relate to the person. This leader of yours is not this plastic, perfect person where the perfect family, the perfect house, the perfect life, the perfect everything. It's they're human beings who have made mistakes and have things in their life that are challenging. So, it creates a sense of connection, and it also creates the opportunity for empathy.

When somebody's willing to be vulnerable, it creates the opportunity for that leader to show empathy, to say, "Look. I'm not here judging you. I'm not here up on Mount Olympus or something looking down at your little issues. I'm here with you. I mean I've made mistakes. I've got things going on in my life." It can breed a sense of empathy and connection that is really foundational to building a team. If you don't have a sense of connection then, you don't build trust. You don't build a team. It's really the bedrock of a successful team is that sense of connection.

And you've written about this for Crucible Leadership and talked about this idea of vulnerability with a purpose, and one of the things is that is fascinating about the things that you talk about in that regard, Warwick, is the power. And we hinted at it earlier. We talked about it earlier. The power of your personal story, but the power of story in general. It moves people. It draws people in. Part of the beauty of vulnerability for a purpose is that its tied to story. When it's tied to story, it has extra impact.

What are some of the things that stories that people are vulnerable enough to tell, not over sharing but sharing in the right contexts to create community, to create comradeship with their teams? What are some of the doors that unlocks for healthy teams?

Yeah. I mean I think there's a whole series of things, and we'll get into how you decide what to share for a purpose, but by being vulnerable, one of the things that people often in organizations are often risk averse. "If I make a mistake, my career's over, so I'm going to play it safe." Well, playing it safe often means that your organization won't get to the next level, won't thrive, won't hit that next, frankly, revenue or profit target because if I just do the safe approach, maybe I'll keep my job. If I take a risk, then I could be fired or trouble will come.

So, one of the things that's helpful is be vulnerable to say, "Yeah. I've taken risks." I had this business unit that I was 20 years ago I was asked to head up. It was a small one, and maybe it didn't work out so well, or maybe even if it did, it's like, "The night, before I was ready to take the helm, I couldn't sleep. I was nervous. I couldn't eat it was just," you know?" Because that's reality, and then people will say, "Really?" "But I pushed ahead. Fortunately, I had a boss that supported me."

And so, sharing stories like that where you took risks is important, so that's sort of one category which is really important. And I think we talked about human connection. One of the other important factors is as human beings, we're all naturally we're fearful. We have doubts. We make mistakes.

Right.

That is the essence of being human. And so, if you see your boss is somebody that has fears, has doubts, and can make mistakes, again, we'll talk about, well, what do you actually do with all that? Do you share every single doubt and fear you ever had or-

Right.

We'll get into that later. But conceptually, if you feel like your boss is a human being that's fearful like you are, it's like, "Oh, wow. Then, I guess if I'm fearful, maybe I'm not a screw up. Maybe I'm not like somebody that doesn't deserve to be in this organization." It's okay. I mean one of the definitions of courage that people talk about is not so much the absence of fear but acting boldly in spite of fear.

Right.

Very few people that have acted with courage, whether it's the military or what have you, will say, "Now, were you afraid before you went to battle?" They'll say, "Of course," you know?

Right.

But yet, they went in anyway because that there was a bigger cause, something more important. They were able to get past their fears, but we all have fears. So, just risk taking, being honest about fears and mistakes, those are the kinds of vulnerability that just makes you seem human and relatable and gives people the freedom to say, "Okay. It's okay to take risks. It's okay to be fearful. It's okay to have doubts. It's okay to make mistakes." That brings a tremendous sense of freedom to your teammates, to your organization, and it creates a real ... When people have that kind of human connection, it's an incredible bond, you know?

Yeah.

People talk about in the military, which I've never been in. They talk about this bonding in the foxholes kind of thing, where you're in it together. Well, when you're under that kind of crucible under fire and any day could be your last day, I have to believe that you're going to be vulnerable. The conditions would almost force it.

Right.

And so, there's this camaraderie, and people say that they miss it when they get back to civilian life. So, that kind of connection is critical, especially when the mission is critical.

Yeah. It sounds like what you're describing, if we had to sort of put a phrase around it, is that those things in leadership that we call teachable moments. Teachable moments many times can be vulnerability moments when you have an employee, and I'll give an example from my own life. I got laid off from my second newspaper job as a reporter because ... And I'd been doing really well. This was in the early '90s, and I started to believe my own press clippings a little bit. I started to feel my oats a little bit, and I didn't work as hard as I should have.

I was the guy that would get drafted if a story needed to go on the front page and be written with what they thought was verve, they turned to me. And I was kind of I enjoyed that role. I enjoyed that attention, but it also led me to not be quite as dedicated as I should have been early in my career.

So, when it came time, when the economy turned a little bit, and the paper had to lay people off, I was an easy choice to be laid off. And I've told that story through the years to folks who have worked for me rather than just, right? There's a teachable moment will present itself where I need to tell them, "You need to kind of ratchet it up a little bit. Try a little harder. Put forth more effort. I see that you kind of slacking back a little bit. Maybe you're believing your own press."

I've told that story, and what that has done is it's shown them when they have seen me in a position of authority, they see me as someone who's gotten to that position because I went through a crucible. I went through something that didn't work out. I went through something that was, you've said many times on this show, "Your crucible can be your fault or not your fault." This was my fault. I've been through it. I came through on the other side.

And in sharing that with people who have worked for me through the years, it sort of knocked their fear off a little bit. It's helped them identify that I can identify with them. They can see in me somebody who's been where they've been. There's understanding there. There's community there, and that has, more often than not, that vulnerability is led to them far more successful than just reading them the riot act. It's led them to see, "Oh, okay. There is a way out of this. There's a way to hitch up my belt, do what I'm supposed to do, and come out on the other side successful."

Gary, that is a fantastic example of really what we're talking about. It's hard to think of a better example, which is really vulnerability for a purpose. There has to be a reason for sharing. There has to be, "Well, why are you doing it?" And clearly, there was a reason. You had a reporter who was working for you, and you wanted them to pick up their game.

And so, as I think about it, there are sort of three components of what makes a good story to share. And the first is empathy. Well, by sharing that story, you created empathy with this young reporter saying, "Okay. Here's what I've been through."

Right.

"I kind of made some mistakes. Maybe I believed my own press clippings. Okay. So, you know what it's like to be a young reporter who is working their way up." And then, you also showed understanding. You empathized because you understand the issue of what it's like, and then the third component is there's a point. There's a reason you shared that story. You wanted that reporter to kind of step up their game, and so, empathy, understanding, point.

So, as I think more generally about what makes a good and what type of story should you be vulnerable about, I think of I mean Jesus shared a lot of parables. You think of in wisdom literature, Aesop's Fables. Typically, a parable or a fable, there's one point you're trying to make in that.

Right.

I mean good ones don't have 10. It's too much for people to comprehend. There's one overarching point. You had one overarching point you were trying to make.

Right.

"You need to step up your game because here's what happened when I didn't, okay?"

Right, exactly.

And you would-

And, "If you don't, it could happen to you, too."

Right. And you weren't trying to make a direct threat or correlation, but just-

Correct.

Just FYI something you might want to consider.

Identification, not threat. Yeah.

Right, exactly. And so, the issue to think of is you might have a lot of stories to share. The question is if it's a business issue, maybe you want a new manager to take a risk and take on a new startup segment of your company. Share some stories that you went through when you did that perhaps and how you were afraid, and maybe it didn't work out. Maybe it did work out, but either way, here's what you learned. Maybe you could say, "Well, I was scared, and fortunately, I had a mentor or a boss that really helped me," or, "I had a friend of my parents or somebody that was an entrepreneur." So, you can share some tips as well as to what you went through, and we often learn so much more by story.

Now, maybe somebody comes to you with something on the personal side. Maybe they have a mom or dad that has Alzheimer's, or maybe, heaven forbid, but maybe that happened in your life. So, you could just listen and say, "Well, thanks for sharing," which would be a little cold, but if you have something that you can help to like sometimes, with things like Alzheimer's, there's no cure. There may not be a lot you can share that will help, maybe a few little tips. But just as we said earlier, just by sharing the fact that you've had a parent that has gone through it, they will feel not as alone, and they'll be more willing to share. And when they have bad days, you'll understand. You can support them and just by feeling heard and not feeling alone.

Not that you do this for that reason. It may well, they might actually perform a little better, which is not the reason, but it will be by-product.

Right.

So, it's kind of like what's the point of the story? It could be a human connection and empathetic one. It could be a business challenge, so match the story to the issue or the challenge that you're facing. Don't just willy-nilly share every dumb thing you've ever done.

Right.

That's the oversharing part.

And what comes to mind as you say that, and I hadn't thought about it until you just said all that right now, is here's the exhortation for listeners, I think. Don't gossip about yourself, right? Don't tell tales out of school about yourself. It has to have a purpose, and if you're just telling everything that's ever happened to you, every crater you've ever taken, every time you've fallen off the horse, every time you've misstepped, every time you've encountered a crucible, and it's just to get it out in the open or to make conversation, it's not effective. It's gossip. Don't gossip about yourself. Have a point to it that will help the person to whom you're speaking along their journey.

Absolutely. Well said. I mean vulnerability, it has to have a purpose. So, you might come out of a meeting with the CEO, and you might think, "This CEO is clueless. He's about to make some decisions that could be terrible for the company, and the board is insane that they still have him." So, you could just share with your team, "By the way, I think the CEO's an idiot. I don't know what's going to happen. I just thought I'd tell you." But what's the point of that?

Right.

It'll make people scared witless. There's no point. Or, "Yep. Today, we had an argument at home with my wife or husband, and, yeah, I'm kind of feeling down. And one of my kids just flunked out of school, and gee, there's another one that I don't know if he's sneaking drugs on the side, but he kind of looks kind of a little weird. And my neighbor is just awful." Just on and on and on about every bad thing that's ever happened or stuff that happened in middle school that you did some stupid stuff. If none of it has a point, it really is not helpful to share every dumb thing that's ever happened or every fear that's ever happened.

Or it may be that you may come to work thinking, "I didn't have all the information, but I have some concerns about what's happening out there in the market." Well, it's not necessarily helpful to share, "I don't know if this is founded or not, but I'm just fearful today. I wonder if our company will be there next week." It's like that's not helpful. Now, if it's one thing if you know that the markets is really taking a hit. Your company, maybe it could be challenging. Well, people know. People have talk around the water cooler, then be upfront. "Yeah, we are in for some challenging times. I think we're going to make it," or just basically the bottom line is what is going to be beneficial to your team? It can't be, "It will make me feel better if I unburden myself and say every dumb thing."

Exactly.

Will it help the listener? Will it help my team? If it's not going to help them, don't share. So, it needs a great deal of wisdom to know, yeah, you don't have to share every truthful thing you know if it's not going to help them. You need to be open with your team, but how and when is the key. So, the bottom line is it's got to be beneficial to your team. If sharing this makes you feel better, that's kind of self-centered. It's vulnerability for a purpose that needs to be focused on your team's benefit and helping them with the current situation. Sharing something that might've helped them 10 years ago but won't help them now-

Right.

... or it might help them 20 years from now, but it's not relevant. It's got to be beneficial to them and beneficial to them now.

And going back to the authenticity point, oversharing about things all the bad stuff that I've done, and I did this wrong and that wrong, that can be read very easily as trying too hard to be friends with the people on your team and not authentically. You're trying too hard. You're trying to, "Hey, look. I'm just like you. I had this experience and that, and I failed here, and I failed there." At the end of the day, you're still the leader, and the experiences that you share need to be focused exactly as you said, Warwick, need to be focused on how to help those you lead. What's the parable? What's the takeaway? What is the point of what you're saying?

And if it doesn't have a point, it can actually ... If vulnerability with a point for a purpose creates community, vulnerability without a point, without a purpose can create chaos. They can become less comfortable with you. They can become less, more fearful. They can become less confident, and that's the exact opposite of what you want to create.

Yeah. That's extremely well said. I mean think of vulnerability like anything else in leadership management. It's a tool. Vulnerability, you can't build a house with a wrench. It's useful, but you need a few other tools, hammer, saws, a bunch of things. Vulnerability can be a tool, but it's not going to solve every issue. So, just blathering on about every dumb thing you've ever done or trying to create connection by being vulnerable inauthentically can backfire. So, back to what we're saying earlier, the millennials, 20-somethings, early 30s, yes, they want you to be authentic and vulnerable, but if you out of the blue say, "Hey. By the way, when I was in high school, I did drugs," and they have the mentioned it all, hasn't come up.

Right.

But you're just sharing this to just assume in your middle age that all young people do drugs, which some do, but not all.

And you're trying to be the cool boss that they can identify with.

Exactly.

Yeah.

That will drive them nuts. They'll say, "Oh, I see through you. You're just trying to be cool and give it a break. I mean I didn't share that with you I ever did that, or I didn't do that," but, yeah. So, vulnerability just to try and be cool, that won't work. That'll be very damaging. So, it's got to have an authentic purpose. It can't be manipulated. It will not be worse than not being vulnerable, but if you try to use it as a tool to try and make yourself seem good, or I'm going to be vulnerable because that's what all the management books say these days.

Yeah.

There's got to be an authentic reason that's focused on helping them.

Right.

If it's focused on you, it will backfire big time.

Yeah. And it's important to say because there is a bit of threading the needle here. You don't want to overshare. You don't want to be over vulnerable to the point that you just made about sharing stuff that has nothing to do with what your team is going through. But at the same time, you want to be fearless enough, brave enough, helpful enough that you do do it. I mean you don't want to be too stoic and not allow yourself to release those things that can be helpful, so you've got to thread the needle.

If you're too stoic, I mean being stoic, you can blow it by being too stoic. So, you've got to find that middle ground where you're sharing, you're being vulnerable, but it's for a purpose. And in the context of what we're talking about here at Crucible Leadership, it's for a purpose to help them either meet a crucible that's to come or to get beyond a crucible that has come.

I think that's well said, and really, I think if you're in the moment, it is possible in the spiritual world, we think of kind of this inner voice, inner spirit if you will, and whatever your kind of spiritual faith perspective. You have this sort of inner intuition, inner voice that if you listen to it, it will tell you what to say at the appropriate time.

So, if somebody's you ask somebody and say, "How's it going?" and if you've created some degree of connection which is a prerequisite, they might say, "Well, yeah," or, well, you might ask them, "How are you feeling about this new job you've just been promoted to?" "Well, okay. Yeah, yeah, okay." "Really? So, tell me more. Any fears, anxieties?" Well, maybe a little bit," and so by doing a little fishing, you get them to kind of unpack a bit. It requires a bit of empathy and discernment, which would be another podcast.

So then, they share about, "Yeah. I'm actually pretty scared about this new opportunity. Everything, I mean I've been successful and all, but somehow this is different. I'm kind of nervous." Say, "Well, thank you for sharing." Obviously, honor that vulnerability, and then that's when you share, "Well, I was in your shoes 15 years ago, and I blew it," or, "First few days, first few weeks, I couldn't sleep. It was just awful." But so, that's when you know what to share because it directly relates to what they're going through and maybe you offer some tips. So, that's really the issue.

If it's a personal thing that they bring up and you can share something that's relevant, whether it's a parent who's sick, or a marital issue or kids, then that's relevant. It's relevant to them not feeling alone, so you will know that when somebody says something, yes, and I'd err on the side of being vulnerable. But it has to be you have to do soul searching. Is it relevant to what the person is bringing up, what the team is bringing up, and am I doing it for their needs or to meet my needs? That's really the two questions you want to ask is is it relevant to what's being shared, and is it to meet my needs or their needs? And if it's for their needs and it's relevant to the issue, then go ahead and share.

Yeah.

You don't need to be worried at that point because then you're okay.

And it worked out perfectly. That is the perfect place to begin our descent to land the plane on this very, very, very interesting conversation. What is a parting thought, Warwick, that you'd like to leave listeners with to sort of wrap up what we've talked about here? At the end of that, I want to tell them about an exciting new opportunity where they and their teams can actually explore some vulnerability together. But on this whole subject, what's the bottom line that you want to emphasize for them so that they have their chief takeaway?

Going back to that dictionary definition that made it seem like being vulnerable means to be weak, being a sucker as you put it from one of those definitions. I think I, we beg to disagree as I think vulnerability done right, which is for a purpose focused on helping your team, is a sign of strength. It's actually a sign of inner self-confidence. Those that pretend to be never made a mistake, that's often a sign of insecurity. When you're secure within yourself, when you're confident within who you are, you don't mind people seeing the authentic real you that's has doubts and fears, that's made mistakes.

Because back to what we've just spoken in earlier podcasts your self-worth isn't bound up with your failures and mistakes. It's bound up with who you are as a person from a faith perspective, God. We're created by God, but I think we have beauty in just an inherent humanity.

So, bottom line is I think by being vulnerable, it is a sign of security. It is a sign of self-confidence, and frankly, it helps other team members feel not alone. They can be willing to take risks of being vulnerable can actually help the organization be more successful.

Absolutely.

So, don't be afraid of it. It's not a sign of weakness. It's actually a sign of deep inner strength.

And that is the sound, listener, of the plane landing. Warwick has landed the plane perfectly, and I have some exciting news where you can practice some of this vulnerability that we've been talking about right now. At crucibleleadership.com, we have just debuted. It's just days ago when you're hearing this. We've just debuted what we're calling the Life of Significance Assessment, and what that will do, you answer a handful of questions 10, 15 if that many questions very not a long thing. Take you five minutes to finish it. You answer those questions, and what you will get back is where you are on the journey to come back from a crucible experience. If you've had a crucible experience, what you might learn from that crucible experience, what are some things you can dig into to make the most of learning how you're designed and how to cast your vision, how to make your vision a reality?

It will also tell you in addition to sort of mapping out where you are on the journey, it will give you a profile of who you are as you're taking that journey. And there's some very interesting profiles that our team has created based on the answers to the questions, individually tailored to you. One of them, maybe you're what we call a world changer. Maybe you're what we call an imagineer.

If you take this assessment at crucibleleadership.com, at the bar at the top of the page, it'll say, "Assessment," click on that and take the Life of Significance Assessment to see where you are on your journey to a life of significance, to see if you've had crucibles, to see how you've handled those crucibles, to see how you can handle those crucibles better. Lots of insight that will really help you in moving forward.

And here's where the vulnerability part comes in. Take the assessment with the team at work. If you're a leader, have your team take the assessment. If you're one member of the team, suggest to your boss, "Hey. Let's take this assessment together. Let's take an afternoon to do an off-site and talk about where we're all at on this journey to a life of significance."

As you talk about the things, the questions, that are on that assessment result will help you with vulnerability. They're prompts to help you be vulnerable for a purpose, to help you move forward, and help other people move forward. So, we encourage you to take the Life of Significance assessment at crucibleleadership.com, and then give us some feedback. There's a feedback form on the website. Send us your feedback on what you thought about the Life of Significance Assessment because really, you'll be one of the first people who will have a chance to take it, and why not use it as an opportunity to practice vulnerability with your teams?

Speaking of practicing vulnerability with your teams, here's three big takeaways, 30,000-foot to complete the airplane metaphor. 30,000-foot takeaways from Warwick and I, the discussion that we just had. Number one, Warwick ended on this point. Vulnerability is not weakness. It's not nakedness as that definition says. It does not make you a sucker as dictionary.com defined vulnerability as. It makes you human. It makes you relatable. People trust people they relate to. They trust people who are fellow travelers, who've been through the hard times and similar hard times that they've been through. Your teams will be empowered by your purposely shared vulnerability.

Second point. Think of the teachable moments. We've all said that. "Well, this is a teachable moment." Think of teachable moments as vulnerability moments. I'll say it again. Think of teachable moments that crop up in your workday, in your every day as vulnerability moments. Show empathy, understanding, and have a point, a point that will create community, that will help the person you're telling with a crucible. Whether it's a crucible that's to come, inoculating them, or it's a crucible that's already happened, helping them be treated to get beyond that crucible. And this is key when you're choosing what to share, do not gossip about yourself. That's one of the ways you make sure you have a point.

And the third point that we can share is vulnerability is a tool as Warwick very, very wisely said, but it's not going to solve every issue. Use it with care. Use it intelligently. Use it intentionally and do not forget that there are other tools in your toolbox and that employing all those tools, using all those tools are the things that are going to help you lead your team to the best place that you can lead your team.

Well, this has been a great discussion, Warwick, and I want to thank you, listener, for spending time with us. As I said, you can go to crucibleleadership.com to find out more about Crucible Leadership. You can sign up there for Warwick's regular email updates on what's going on at Crucible Leadership. I'm going to let you say this, Warwick. I mean I'll ask you this. It's a pretty exciting time at Crucible Leadership right now, isn't it?

Oh, it is. I mean really between the assessment and the book that's coming out, Crucible Leadership, next year. I mean the podcast, a lot of super exciting things are happening. Absolutely.

Yeah. Speaking of the baldness I talked about earlier, if I had hair, it would be on fire because we're working hard at Crucible Leadership for you.

Well said.

So, drop by crucibleleadership.com. Sign up for the regular updates on what's going on, and until the next time that we're together on Beyond the Crucible, remember this. That your crucible experiences are painful. They can be traumatic. You've heard the discussions on this very podcast of people who have gone through truly traumatic, painful, life changing things, but the good news. They're not the end of your story. There's hope beyond the crucible. There is healing beyond the crucible, and that's what we're here for.

So, remember that as painful as it is right now, it's not the end of your story. As we've said before, a crucible is not a period at the end of the sentence that is your life. It's a comma, and you get to write what comes after that. And what can come after that if you learn the lessons of your crucible and you apply them in your life, if you're vulnerable enough with yourself to learn the lessons that that crucible is trying to teach you, the next chapter of your life can be the most rewarding chapter of your life. And the reason that that is true is because that chapter leads you to a life of significance.

Perfectionism is a struggle so many of us have.  No matter what we do, it seems like it is not good enough.  Other people might say our work was great, that dish came out really well, we played amazingly in that We hear in our culture that we need to be authentic, even vulnerable.  But what does that mean, and can you be authentic and vulnerable, even after being broken, and still be successful?

For leaders, we feel vulnerability is a sign of weakness.  We fear our team will see our insecurities and respect us less. But the reverse is true.  The next generation of leaders on our team, certainly millennial leaders, want to follow authentic and vulnerable leaders.  But how do we do this? In particular, how do we practice vulnerability in a way that helps our team and does not sabotage our organization’s success or our personal success?

Here are some keys to vulnerability as a leader.  The overarching principle is we need to be vulnerable for a purpose.

Put Away Fear

Yes it is possible by being vulnerable we will say something that our team and those around us will feel is a bit weird or our leadership image armor might seem a bit tarnished.  But this will be more than counterbalanced by our team’s gratitude about our being real.  Our team will see that we have the courage to admit that we can be fearful and uncertain too.

Vulnerability for a Purpose

Being vulnerable might make us think that we have to share every dumb thing we’ve ever done.  Maybe we crashed our dad’s car in high school, or worse, we might have been drinking while driving.  Perhaps our marriage broke up, and we feel it was pretty much our fault.  Or we made some terrible business or career decision.  Maybe we were not the boss we believe we should have been.  There are many areas of fear, doubt and mistakes we can share.  So how do we decide what if anything to share?

Great leaders know that our team learns more through parables and stories than lectures.  Think about the great teachers.  We can think of Greek mythology and Greek heroes and the tales of heroism and folly.  Think of how Jesus taught mostly in parables and stories.  In wisdom literature, as well stories in general such as Aesop’s Fables, there was typically a point.  Often a great story has one key point the author wants to make.  So think of what you are trying to teach or relate to your team.  What story can you tell that will really reinforce your message?

Perhaps it is about taking risk.  Perhaps you could share a story of when you took a risk as the head of a small business unit, early in your career.  It might have failed, producing one lesson.  You might say, “I failed, but you have to be willing to fail in order to succeed.” You might share how the first few days as head of that business unit, you were so scared.  Afraid that if you blew this golden opportunity that your career would be history.  Perhaps it could be about failure when you were younger.  Perhaps you did not make your high school basketball team when your buddies did.  Maybe you kept trying and made the team the next year.  Or perhaps you did not want to fail again, so you never tried out for the team the rest of high school.  You could say, “In hindsight my fear of failure kept me back.”  And then you could tell your team, “I try never to be so afraid, that I make the mistake of not trying again.”

The key thought is, what point are you trying to make and which story would best illustrate your point?  In a sense, which fable, which morality tale – though in this case, they are true stories – will best fit the purpose of your story?

Vulnerability gives others the freedom to be vulnerable, too

By being vulnerable, by willing to admit that you have made mistakes and have been fearful, you give others and in particular your team the freedom to also be vulnerable.  If you are the leader of an organization, this willingness to be vulnerable can have a ripple effect through the company.  Your senior leaders may follow your lead and be vulnerable with their teams.  You as the leader set the tone, which can be to set a vulnerable empathetic tone or one of the fake strong armor, masking a fearful and insecure inside.

Vulnerability gives others the freedom to take risks

If you admit that you have made mistakes and that mistakes are OK, you give your team the freedom to take risks and try bold new adventures.  Yes, there has to be a vetting process for new ventures, but if you encourage a culture of vulnerability and risk taking, then more good ideas will come to the fore, some of which could be game changers for the organization.

Vulnerability can create connection

By being vulnerable, not only will your team learn that you have made mistakes too, but in doing so you will create a sense of connection.  They are more likely to share their own mistakes and fears, which creates the opportunity for you to listen, console and advise.  Because you are coming from the space of leading alongside them, not above them.  You are saying that you too made mistakes and have been fearful.  The question is not whether you have made mistakes and have been fearful.  The question is what you are going to do moving forward.  Are you going to learn the lessons of your mistakes?  How will you overcome your fears?  Just admitting your fears can be helpful in overcoming them.

Vulnerability can be a tremendous leadership tool.  Take the leap of faith.  Be willing for your team to see who you are warts and all, mistakes and fears and all.  You have to be pretty secure to be vulnerable and talk about your mistakes and fears.  You just might find by being vulnerable, your team will respect you more, be more willing to follow you, and you and your team might be more successful.  Being vulnerable for a purpose could be the key to your success and your team’s success.

Reflection


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