Many leaders want to grow, to advance in their careers, and some want to grow as human beings as well. One of the tools we can use to grow in every sense of that word is by having mentors. Mentors can be one way we accelerate our learning and potentially accelerate the process of becoming who we want to be. It is not a cure all for solving all our career or life challenges. But it can certainly be helpful.

I have had some experience with mentors. Some were quite helpful and others were not as helpful.

We may be wondering what we should be looking for in a mentor. Here are some tips to finding the right mentor.

1. We have to be ready. We have to be at a point in our life and our careers where we want to learn. We want to grow. And we are open to help from others to get us there. This is critical. If we feel we know everything, asking for advice from a mentor will be pointless. We will be wasting their time and ours.

2. Do a readiness check. To ensure we are ready for a mentor, we need to do an internal check, a soul check if you will. We need to start from a place of humility. There is much we don’t know and much we need to know. We want to minimize our mistakes and accelerate our growth in our careers and lives. We must make the commitment to listen, even if the advice we hear is not always pleasant. Growth can be painful. It typically is. So count the cost ahead of time.

3.The right mentor matters. We need to define what we are looking for in a mentor and why we feel we need one. Perhaps we want to get further in our careers; it could be many different kinds of jobs. Perhaps we are a new mother or father and want to get advice from those parents who we admire and want to learn from.

4. A good mentor knows more than we do. If we feel a prospective mentor does not know much more in their field than we do, it may not be a great fit. A good mentor will be someone we admire. Not only do they know more than we do in our field, but they are doing it the right way. How they do their job is as important as the job they are actually doing. We might want to do our job and grow in our career the right way. Treating people well, not cutting legal or ethical corners. We want to grow in our vision and impact in our profession and we want to be around people with similar values to us and who have vision and want to impact the world in a positive way.

5. A great mentor is a great listener and asks great questions. They will not tell us what we should do. They will not give us a roadmap. They will not tell us how they grew in their career and then tell us we should use exactly the same approach. A great mentor will ask us great questions. They will want to know what our goals are, what our values are and what vision we have for our career and our life. They will ask us about legacy and what we want to leave behind. They will ask us if our lives and careers are all about us or about serving others and some higher purpose.

6. A great mentor will make us do the work. They will not do it all for us and write a big report with all the career steps laid out. They are there to guide and advise and ask us great questions. But ultimately, the responsibility for growing in our careers and lives is up to us. It is our responsibility not theirs

7. A good mentor will share our values. They will also have a balance with being encouraging and affirming while also seeking to push us forward in a gentle way to achieve the goals we say we care so deeply about. Values matter. If we say we want to be humble servant leaders who strive to be about the team and not so much about our own agenda, and that we want to make a positive difference in the world; we need to find mentors who share those values and objectives. This is critical. Mentors who have values and goals different than us could well lead us down a path to becoming exactly what we don’t want to become.

Growth in our lives and careers is not easy. We definitely need all the help we can get. Having a mentor can be helpful. But is not a cure all. Ultimately, we need to take ownership of our lives, our decisions and our mistakes. To make our vision for our lives become reality, we have to take positive steps forward, one day at a time, one month at a time, one year at a time. It will take humility, perseverance and forgiving ourselves and others. It is a long journey. If we believe our mission is important enough, we will keep going. This is our journey and our lives. Mentors are there to assist us, to help us get there faster but also become the person we want to be. A great mentor can be invaluable, an important tool in our careers and our lives. But it is only a tool. We are responsible for our lives and the growth in our lives. No one else is responsible for this.

Reflection

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Many of us live our lives to please others, to make them happy. We are often told that if we think of ourselves, our needs, our dreams, we are being selfish. We need to be practical. We need to be selfless and think of our obligation to our family, to our friends, to those at work who depend on us. After all, don’t we care about our coworkers and their families? We should want to serve those who work with us and for us. Isn’t that what servant leadership is all about?

I know this message and this story only too well. As the great-great grandson of John Fairfax, the founder of a large media company in Australia, my obligation was clear. I was the fifth generation in my family and was expected by my parents to go into the family business in a leading role. So I did my undergraduate degree at Oxford University like my dad and some other family members before me, worked on Wall Street and got my MBA at Harvard Business School. Ultimately, that sense of duty and obligation led to my being the one who launched a $2.25B billion takeover of the family business in 1987 — a bid that ultimately failed due to a combination of Australia’s recession, the company’s debt load, and, yes, my youthful inexperience and naivete.

I never once felt I had a choice to pursue my dreams. My duty to keep the family legacy of producing quality newspapers and media in Australia was clear. Didn’t I care about my family, about my country?

It is easy to paint a picture where we feel our duty, our obligation, is clear. It might be a family business. It might be the pressure from family and our community to get a high-paying, prestigious job such as being a doctor or a lawyer. But what if we want to be a sculptor, a musician or an elementary school teacher, when those around us are telling us that we could do more? We need to be practical and not so self-centered, we are told.

Here are some thoughts for counteracting this idea that living our lives to fulfill our dreams is self-centered (and not practical, for that matter).

 1. First, it is our life!
We have the God-given right to pursue our dreams, our calling. We were meant to live in light of how we were designed and lean into what we are most passionate about. It is right and appropriate. We should live in light of who we were meant to be. How is that wrong? How is that selfish?

 2. Examine why we feel obligated to please others, be it our family, friends or our coworkers.
Perhaps other people are telling us that it is our job, or our duty. Why is that? Sometimes those in our family have unfulfilled dreams that they hope we can fulfill for them. Sometimes our family or others feel that their legacy depends on us stepping into their shoes and carrying their dreams forward. But that is not our job. Our family, friends and coworkers have the right to pursue their hopes and dreams. And so do we!

 3. Us playing small by carrying on the legacy of others does no one any good.
Over time we may well begin to feel bitter, to feel used. How can you do a good job under a sense of obligation and duty? You really can’t. It is not sustainable.

 4. So shift to thinking about what you are really good at, what you are passionate about.
As you lay awake at night, what problem that the world needs help with do you feel called to fulfill? A true vision that lasts, a calling, needs to have as part of it a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. That makes it clear to you and to others that this may be your dream, your vision, but it is anchored in serving others. That kind of a dream and vision is absolutely not selfish or self-centered

 5. Think about small steps, small probes.
You might think you don’t know what you are really off-the-charts passionate about, in areas you are great at, which the world really needs. But try something; I would almost say anything. What’s the next right baby step that you feel will take you in a direction you want to explore? It might not be the ultimate destination, but if you link enough baby steps together and progress in finding your calling, the vision you are off-the-charts excited about will happen. Trust yourself and trust the process.

 6. Gather your team.
Making a shift from a life of people pleasing, a life of obligation, is not easy. There will be plenty of people who will tell you to be practical, to stop being selfish and to keep on the track of obligation of living someone else’s dream and vision. You need a team to counteract this, a team that is for you, that will help to encourage you to pursue your dream and your vision. Perhaps that team will include people who will help you bring your vision to reality.

 7. Do something!
You have to make a decision today that your days of obligation and people pleasing are over. You will live today and from now on a life that is in line with your calling, I would almost say your divine calling. Making a step, however small, is a huge step, especially the first step. And for those who say you have to be practical, remember it is your life. If you would rather teach elementary school kids than train corporate executives, for instance, that is your choice. Clearly the salary and income will be quite different. But it is your life. You get to choose your path, even if that path has a lower income level.

We all want to live a joyful and fulfilled life, to leave a legacy that others can be proud of, to feel we lived a life that mattered. Living a life of obligation and people pleasing is not the way to do this. We will feel we missed out. We made everyone happy, except us. We took the easy way out. That may well lead to a life of regret, even bitterness. We don’t want to be that person or take that road. A life that truly does serve others, that in some way makes an impact for good, is anchored in our calling, our dreams, our vision. Such a vision will animate us, propel us forward and will give us a sense of deep satisfaction. A life we lived, that we chose, that makes the impact we feel called to make. That is the kind of life that we can be proud of.

Reflection

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Thanksgiving is a uniquely North American tradition, celebrated in November in the U.S. and October in Canada. In the U.S, Thanksgiving commemorates a feast between the Pilgrims and Native Americans in the Fall of 1621. It had been a harsh winter, with the Pilgrims celebrating a successful harvest and giving thanks to God. Nowadays it is a time for family and friends to gather to give thanks amid turkey, pumpkin pie and other holiday food.

Thanksgiving can be a wonderful time with family and friends. But Thanksgiving can also be a somber time where we mourn those no longer with us, and perhaps mourn relationships that are not what they once were. Thanksgiving can also be a lonely time where we don’t have family and friends that we feel comfortable being with.

How do we navigate Thanksgiving with these mixed emotions, some good and some not so good?

1. Start by giving thanks.

This might seem obvious, but the key point of Thanksgiving, whether it is giving thanks to God or thanks more generally, is to be thankful.  Even when life is not easy, there are usually some things we can be thankful for.  Perhaps, despite the unavoidable strains that befall any relationship, we are actually thankful for our spouse, partner and kids and our parents.  Perhaps we are blessed to have a job, one which we hopefully like.  Or it could be as simple as being thankful for this day, a walk in the woods or the park; being thankful for an encouraging friend.  If we think about it enough, we can usually think of something or someone we are thankful for.

2. Allow yourself to reflect.

Reflect on how things have been over the last year or so, both the good and the bad. We are as humans, emotional beings, so just pretending that everything is great and not allowing yourself to reflect is not good. So think about what has gone well, what has not gone as well and even areas you feel conflicted about. You can’t deal with and process what you don’t allow yourself to feel and consider.

3. Learn the lessons.

Think about what has happened over this last year in particular. Or you could go further back and consider what you can learn from things that have gone well and things that have not gone well. Pondering why some things have gone well can be very valuable. Perhaps you are grateful for supportive parents who encouraged you in your dreams, or the opportunity to have a good education or a good job. You might remember that you got to where you are by working hard or taking a risk. Qualities that served you well in the past and will serve you well in the future.

There are also lessons in the areas that have not gone well. Perhaps in high school you made some poor choices, hung out with the wrong friends, and did not work as hard as you could have. You can’t change the past, but the past can provide lessons about areas you want to change in the present and the future. Every day we can make a choice how we want to live today: which decisions will take us forward and which ones will take us backward. Some areas in our life are painful, through no fault of ours. Perhaps you have been mistreated growing up or in your job. We can consider how we want to move forward, forgiving what has happened in order to move forward, which does not mean condoning what happened. We may decide to chart a different course and not let what happened to us control us or define us.

4. Share with others.

Consider how what you have been through, both the good and the bad, can help others. Perhaps you had a supportive family that was always at your games in school and supported your dreams. Share that story with others and think of how you can be supportive to your friends and family and co-workers as well. We may have been blessed, so we should think of how we can use those blessings to bless others.

In areas, where life has not gone as well, use it as a springboard to think of others. You can help others avoid your mistakes and perhaps help them avoid the pain that was inflicted on you. And for those who have suffered, you can encourage them and help them realize that they are not alone. You know how they feel and you will be with them.

5. Craft a mission from thankfulness.

As you reflect on the areas you are grateful for and the areas that are more painful, think of how both the good and the bad can be the foundation of a mission. This could lead to a nonprofit or a different way of thinking about your work or family. It could lead to an intentional personal mission to live differently and give back as part of who you are as you are looking to bless others: the foundation of what we call a life of significance.

6. Be present.

As you are reflecting on what has gone well and what has not gone well, what you are grateful for and how you can use what you have been through, be present. As you are around friends and family at Thanksgiving, listen to their stories, ask them questions about their lives. Laugh with them, grieve with them, have fun with them. And importantly, if you have any ill feelings toward them, forgive them. They may push your buttons, irritate you, remind you of things you wished you had not done or said years ago. But it is Thanksgiving. Have a spirit of grace.

7. Celebrate Thanksgiving!

With all the good and the bad, the poor decisions you have made, the bad things that have happened to you, the sometimes challenging relationships you may have with family and friends; celebrate! Life is complex, a mix of good times and hard times. Amidst the different and conflicting steams of life, celebrate what you have and who you are. Having a positive attitude, a glass half-full mentality, is better than the alternative.

Thanksgiving is not always an easy time. It is a time for being thankful, for reflecting, for sharing, for giving to others, for trying to move on and let go of past bitterness, and a time for celebration. Don’t let Thanksgiving overwhelm you.  Channel your thoughts, emotions and reflections in a positive manner so that Thanksgiving can indeed be a time of celebration.

Reflection:

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

Sometimes after a crucible — a devastating setback or failure that fundamentally alters the course of our lives — we struggle to find a way forward. We find it challenging to find a vision worthwhile to devote our lives to. Even if we do find such a vision, there is often a tendency to think that our vision is pretty small. How much difference can our vision make in the world? There are so many problems that exist, and what we are planning on doing we might think may not make a lot of difference to those problems. Besides, we know people or we have heard of people making huge differences in the world. We are so not them. So why bother? What difference is it all going to make?

I know the feeling well of thinking that my vision was not big enough and the thought that it would not make that much difference in the world.

I grew up in a large 150-year-old family media business in Australia. John Fairfax Ltd., my family’s company, owned newspapers, magazines, TV stations, and radio stations. It owned some of the major newspapers of our country; The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age in Melbourne and the Australian Financial Review. After my failed $2.25B takeover finally ended in 1990, the company went into bankruptcy and passed from family hands. My vision was to restore the company to the image of the founder, my great-great grandfather John Fairfax, and to see the company was being well managed. What I thought was a noble vision at the time, ended in 1990. How could I ever have a vision that I could live out that would remotely be on the same level as that? After all, I felt the vision I had for the family media company was something that could affect the nation of Australia. It did not feel like a small vision.

So how do we move forward in finding our vision and living it out, when we feel it is so small and perhaps, we are thinking to ourselves, “Why bother?”. Here are some thoughts on how to combat the feeling that our vision is not big enough:

1. It is not a competition.

It is not about how big someone else’s vision is. It might be a vision from someone you have read about, or what is almost worse, a vision of a friend of yours that makes you and your vision seem so small. We need to be satisfied with the vision that we have. Not that it matters, but most people with worthwhile visions who seek to uplift people and have some higher purpose — and that we might view as incredibly successful — would not look at our vision and think how small it is. They would celebrate what we are doing.

2. The key is what is on our heart.

The size of the vision should not be the focus. Our focus should be what we felt led to accomplish, the vision that is on our hearts. From my faith perspective, I look at the vision that I feel led to move forward with, the vision that I believe God has put on my heart. If you feel that your vision is your calling, that it comes from deep within you or from some higher purpose, that is not wrong. I would almost say it can’t be wrong.

3. One life changed is enough.

I would go so far as saying, even if only one person, one life was touched by our vision, that is enough. If all of us, would strive to have life affirming visions that seek to make a difference in the lives of others — one vision, one life at a time — the world would be powerfully impacted. One life changed is enough.  That is not to limit our visions, but to free us from this sense of obligation, and the sense of “why bother?” that is it is all too easy to have.

4. Link your vision to what you feel is important.

Part of avoiding the sense that we are playing small and that our vision is not big enough, is to link our vision to something we feel is important. For many of our guests on our podcast, Beyond The Crucible, they have found their visions coming out of the ashes of their crucible. They want to help others avoid what they have been through, or to help them come back from the devastating setbacks they have experienced. Their crucible has meaning. Some even see their crucible as a blessing, as it has given their life purpose. That kind of purpose driven vision, in this case, linked to your crucible, is not small.

5. Connect your vision to who you fundamentally are.

Connecting your vision to how you are fundamentally wired, to your gifts and talents, will help you feel you were made to carry out this vision. This vision is why you were put on this earth.

6. Free yourself from the sense of obligation.

Obligation is not a motivator, it is a demotivator. Don’t think in terms of what we feel we should do or what we ought to do. Think in terms of what we feel called to do, what we want to do in the depths of our soul.

7. Motivation is everything.

At Beyond The Crucible, we talk about how joy and fulfillment come from living a life of significance, a life on purpose dedicated to serving others. We need to make sure our vision is grounded in a purpose that will help others, a higher purpose; something that will make the world a better place. An altruistic, life affirming vision is never a small vision.  If our vision is focused on others, not on ourselves, that is always a big vision.

Back to my story. After my failed $2.25B takeover bid, I did struggle with the sense that any vision I could pursue, would inevitably pale into insignificance compared to the vision I had in Australia for the family media business. But gradually over time, my attitude changed.  I also let my vision evolve, and gradually freed myself from a sense of obligation.  I became a certified International Coach Federation (ICF) executive coach. I wrote a book, Crucible Leadership, Embrace Your Trials to Lead a Life of Significance, in part about my story, lessons learned and my journey back. I launched Beyond The Crucible, with its podcast Beyond The Crucible, blogs, social media posts and speaking events.

On some level, I may not be as prominent as I once was, and some might say my impact is less. But from my faith perspective, if I am living a vision in line with a higher purpose, a God given purpose from my perspective, that is not and cannot be a small vision.

I try to stay disciplined to the notion that if I am pursuing a vision I feel called to that seeks to serve others and fulfills in some way a higher purpose, it can’t be a small vision. I have friends, family and colleagues who support me in this, if ever I am tempted to go down the road of what the impact might have been with the family business or that my vision is not big enough.

Ultimately, if we are living a vision that we feel called to, that helps others and in some way fulfills a higher purpose, that we are passionate about and uses everything that we are, that is not a small vision. It is a big vision and it is enough. 

Reflection:

You are more than your failures and setbacks.

We share inspirational stories and transformational tools from leaders who have moved beyond life’s most difficult moments to create lives of significance.

Listen to our Beyond the Crucible Podcast here.

We spoke in January about making a life resolution rather than a New Year’s resolution. That we should make a resolution to live in light of our true purpose. In that blog, we gave some steps to help you find your true purpose and calling.

Now, we are six months through the year which is a great time to think about recalibrating our mission and vision. How do we know if we are drifting off course, if we are suffering mission drift? Perhaps our mission and vision are evolving, becoming more refined. Which is it? It can get confusing. 

For me, my mission and vision have evolved over the years. 

Growing up, I thought my mission was to be the leading figure in my family’s 150-year-old media business in Australia. After my undergraduate degree at Oxford, a stint on Wall Street, and then with my MBA from Harvard Business School, I launched my $2.25B takeover of my family’s media company. 

When that failed, rather spectacularly, I needed a new mission and vison. This time my own mission and vision, not my family’s. It took a while, a long while. I eventually got a job in an aviation services business doing financial and marketing analysis. My first real shift to truly finding my own mission and vision was in 2003 when I became an executive coach, eventually becoming trained and certified by the International Coach Federation. I joined the boards of two nonprofit organizations, including my local church. Then in 2008, after a talk in church, I started writing my book, Crucible Leadership, Embrace Your Trials to Lead a Life of Significance. This led to me founding Beyond the Crucible, which has a podcast of the same name, blogs, social media posts and speaking. 

The point of this story is that my mission and vision have evolved. That started more recently with executive coaching, then writing my book, then evolved to my podcast, blogs, social media and speaking. It will undoubtedly continue to evolve. 

But at its core, the mission of Beyond The Crucible is to help people not be defined by their worst day; to help people bounce back from the pit of despair after a terrible crucible experience to lead lives of significance, lives on purpose dedicated to serving others. That is my purpose at Beyond the Crucible. If I start drifting from that to work on other areas such as corporate succession or nonprofit governance issues, that is not my true purpose. 

I also need to avoid drifting from my core skill set and passion; that is to be a reflective adviser. I love working in the thought leader space, learning from others, and trying to share some thoughts so that people will not feel they are defined by their worst day. 

So how can you avoid mission drift and realign with your true purpose? Here are seven key principles: 

1. Know Your Purpose.

You have to know your purpose, the true reason you are doing what you are doing. Mine, as mentioned, is to help people bounce back from their worst day to lead lives of significance. What is your purpose and mission? Write it down, ideally in one sentence. 

2. Evaluate Whether You Have Drifted.

Look at where you are and what you are doing. Are your mission and vision truly in line with your true purpose, or have they drifted? 

3. If You Have Drifted, Move Back To Your Purpose.

Life is about choices. Over time we can make small or big choices that we might feel are good opportunities, but they can incrementally take us off course. Resolve today to go back to what you felt called to do. The good can be the enemy of the great, the enemy of your true purpose, the reason you were put on this earth. 

4. If Your Vision Has Grown or Shifted, But Your Core Purpose Is The Same, Good News.

It means your mission and vision have evolved, but you have not drifted from your true purpose. If you can still say who you are and what you do is in line with your true purpose, mentioned in point number 1, then that is mission and vision evolution not mission and vision drift. 

5. If You Have Drifted, It May Be Time For Tough Choices.

Life is indeed about choices. If you feel that some of what you are doing is out of line with your true purpose, stop doing it. Yes, just stop! Say no! Stop doing activities that are not fully in line with who you are and what you feel you were meant to do in life. 

6. Fellow Travelers Can Really Help.

Having friends and family outside of what you do, or even colleagues who are part of what you do can be really helpful. Ask them whether you are drifting from your true purpose. If you really want to know, those who know you the best and really care about you will tell you. It might take a bit of prompting, but such feedback can be invaluable, even life saving or perhaps more accurately purpose saving. 

7. Give Yourself Some Grace.

Mission drift tends to happen naturally. No one drifts on purpose. Most of us have so much going on that one activity or initiative leads to another, and before we know it, we have drifted from our true purpose. Evolution of our mission and vision, so long as it is line with our true purpose, is fine. It is a natural part of life. Don’t fear the evolution of your mission and vision, embrace it. Growth is a good thing. 

Life is short. We should spend our time on this earth living in light of what we were made to do, living in light of our true purpose. The world is blessed when we are living in light of our true purpose and sharing that with the world. 

Resolve today that you will be exactly who you were meant to be, and sharing your true purpose with the world. 

Reflection:

Ready to create a life you love?

We’ve heard some remarkable stories on this podcast, but Alice Tsang’s is one of the most remarkable… and triumphant. That’s because from the crucible of abject poverty that saw her sharing a tiny apartment with more than a dozen others, needing the quarter a day her uncle could spare that allowed her to eat lunch at high school, she gained an unlikely education that she’s put two use in a pair of successful careers – first as a successful fixed-income analyst on Wall Street and now as a college finance professor.

Warwick talks with Tsang this week about what her hardscrabble upbringing in Hong Kong taught her about what’s truly important in life… lessons she now aims to teach her students so they understand how to cope with and overcome the challenges they will inevitably face.

“We do not have the ability to be perfect,” she says. “But we can control how much effort we put into a better future for ourselves.”

Highlights

Transcript

Warwick Fairfax:

Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible.


Alice Tsang:

My uncle was generous enough to promise me that he would give me the equivalent of a US quarter every day so that I can use it to pay for public transportation and lunch money during my high school years.


Alice Tsang:

I remember growing up in the tiny little apartment with 15 people squeezed in and at the time I had to go to bed very early after dinner, 8:30 or so because it was too noisy. So I would just get up at midnight when everybody's asleep and I would do my homework and probably spend a couple hours finishing my homework. By the time I was done, it would be 3:30ish and then I would catch a few hours of sleep and then get up at 6 something and then took the public transportation. It was a long distance to travel to go to high school.


Gary Schneeberger:

We've heard some remarkable stories on this podcast, but Alice Tsang's might be the most remarkable and triumphant because from the crucible of that abject poverty she just described, she gained an unlikely education that she's put to use in a pair of successful careers. First as a successful fixed-income analyst on Wall Street and now as a college finance professor.




Gary Schneeberger:

Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger. Co-host of the show. Warwick talks with saying this week about what her hard scrabble upbringing in Hong Kong taught her about what's truly important in life. Lessons she now aims to teach her students so they understand how to cope with, and overcome the challenges they will inevitably face. "We do not have the ability to be perfect," she says, "but we can control how much effort we put into a better future for ourselves."




Warwick Fairfax:

Well Alice, thank you so much for being here. It really is an honor to have you. We first met a few months ago at a Taylor event, so Taylor University in Indiana. As listeners probably know by now, I had three kids, all of whom went there. So I was inspired when I heard Alice's story at that Taylor event. I thought, we've got to have her on the podcast because she has a message, and a message and a life that really can teach us a lot.




Warwick Fairfax:

So Alice, again, thank you for coming and being here. I want to start with your backstory, it's different than a lot of folks we've had. I mean, you grew up in Hong Kong as, I don't know if the word is abject poverty. It was pretty poor. But talk about that upbringing. 'Cause I understand your parents were somewhat affluent but then they had some challenges. Just talk about what life was growing up in Hong Kong and your parents, and just your growing up.




Alice Tsang:

Okay, Warwick and Gary, thank you for having me. It is a privilege to be able to talk to you both.




Alice Tsang:

Yeah, I grew up in a family that had experienced a lot of changes, probably turn of fortune, you could say, my grandparents were actually quite affluent, but by the time my dad and my uncle, they were twin brothers, inherited their assets, most of that was squandered away. And my mom ended up having to raise three young children after the death of my father when I was five. So in those days, not having the support of a man and just a woman with very little education, she had to resort to doing menial jobs and it was constantly being interrupted by loss of employment because it's not steady work that she was able to find. So it ended up challenging for my mom to put food on the table and I grew up helping her and in her way somehow and she was able to find resources to at least not have a starve.




Alice Tsang:

And I learned how to manage things by working very hard and having a purpose. So the purpose that drove me for a long time was to be able to get a good education so that I could get a decent job to support her and I grew up. So that was the driving force for a lot of the things that I was doing. It motivated me to work very hard in my studies in spite of the fact that I was not supposed to even go to college or probably not even finish a high school, let alone going to college. If not for the fact that my uncle was generous enough to promise me that he would give me the equivalent of a US quarter every day so that I can use it to pay for public transportation and lunch money during my high school years.




Alice Tsang:

I remember growing up in the tiny little apartment with 15 people squeezed in and at the time I had to go to bed very early after dinner, 8:30 or so because it was too noisy. So I would just get up at midnight when everybody's asleep and I would do my homework probably spend a couple hours finishing my homework. By the time I was done it would be 3:30ish and then I would catch a few hours of sleep and then get up at 6 something and then took the public transportation. It was a long distance to travel to go to high school.




Alice Tsang:

I did that for seven years just because I had to go to prep school in order to go to university. So that was how I grew up and there was no childhood, but I did learn a lot of things because I had to help my aunt and my grandmother to cook for the family. We have extended family living in the same apartment. And so as a result I learned some cooking skills, learned how to take care of others. And so to me, serving others is just, it is nothing, right? So I'm used to it and I get joy out of it. If I was able to cook a good meal, everybody kind of liked it, it actually gave me joy. And so that was how I grew up and I never had imagined where I am today. But I did have opportunities one way or the other, whether it was not because I chose it or it was required of me, somehow it turned out to be beneficial in the future.




Warwick Fairfax:

So as you look at your childhood, I mean you grew up extremely poor. It's growing up in poverty is one thing, it's tough when you have family or grandparents that were wealthy and then became poor. It's like sometimes you don't know any different, but when you do know different, it makes it worse. Your dad dying when you were five and I think you mentioned to us, wasn't the greatest role model in the world, and it's not like you had this great role model of ethics, and faith, and hard work maybe, but you didn't grow up with this role model of this is how I should be. Maybe you grew up in some sense with this is how you shouldn't be. So talk about some of that because that just feels just a bit different.




Alice Tsang:

Yeah, absolutely. No, I think the interesting thing is that, well, I mean in Chinese culture, especially during my years, women were definitely second class citizens and the dependency of women to men for a living, I mean that kind of put them in their places. And so that was that, and me being a girl was not expected to be able to contribute much.




Alice Tsang:

So looking back, the fact that I was able to get so much education, I mean that was not expected and that was not too easy. Particularly now when I see my friends, and colleagues and so on and students, sometimes I almost felt envious that they had an intact family with good parents. And I also realized growing up without a father figure that is a good role model is it hurts a lot. Culturally I already felt that I was kind of somewhat inferior. Without a father figure to kind of guide me, give me advice, protect me. It's particularly challenging. I thank God that I didn't deviate and end up doing things that could have destroyed my future.




Alice Tsang:

So this somehow is a motivator for me to end up teaching now in college, because not only will I be able to encourage my female students, "No, you could be professionals and don't be afraid of this or that. We can talk about it later." And for the male students, I also encourage them to definitely see their responsibility of being a good sort responsible citizen as well as a father, a great husband in preparation. And if they can do that, the world will be much better.




Warwick Fairfax:

You're looking for a world in which kids grow up in families that are different than yours, with a loving father who can guide, support wonderful mother, a good marriage, a sense of partnership. Totally makes sense. I mean, your story is remarkable because as you said culturally, for girls growing up in maybe Asian culture, certainly where you were in Hong Kong, the expectations were low. That's probably, maybe they were lower than low, but it wasn't high.




Alice Tsang:

It wasn't high, I mean unless you grow up in a more traditional family, your parents are caring just because having parents doesn't mean that the kids are being well taken care of, right? So there are different things that we see both in Western and Eastern culture, Chinese culture. But I did grow up in a somewhat broken family, you know you could say that because that's only a single parent. And my mom was like, she needed to work all the time. And one thing that I was also worried was, while she's constantly concerned about potential unemployment, she also had epilepsy-




Warwick Fairfax:

Oh my gosh.




Alice Tsang:

...When I was growing up, I, because we were squeezed in a tiny little apartment, my youngest brother, myself and my mom, we occupied the same bed and I was like eight, nine years old and sometimes she would have seizures and I would be terrified because we didn't know what to do with her and it was pretty serious. And so we had to get others to revive her. And I constantly worry about when she would be experiencing seizures, at night particularly. So that kind of adds another dimension to the traumatic experience I would say at some point.




Warwick Fairfax:

Amidst all that, what's remarkable, just to unpack the next part of your story, is the level of education. I mean, you now will get to where you worked on Wall Street and now teach at a university level. For some, that's not remarkable, but for you, it's unbelievably remarkable. I mean, you mentioned to us that you know you squeezed by graduating from primary school, and it wasn't like it was so easy. And then you mentioned you went to public school. This was in Hong Kong back when it was I think still a British protector. So they had O levels and A levels and was in British education. And yes, you mentioned your uncle giving you lunch money, but it's funny, high school wasn't easy. I think you mentioned you flunked high school math and I believe graduated. I think you majored in, I don't know, what was it, pottery and something else. If you looked at Alice Tsang in high school and says, "She's going to be a finance wiz, and a finance professor." The teachers would be like, "Really? I don't know."




Warwick Fairfax:

So talk about high school and it wasn't like you were on this fast track from first grade. Even graduating high school was probably unexpected from where you grew up. So just talk about flunking high school math, and I think you majored in pottery and shorthand and I think your goal was to be a personal secretary. So that for some people that might not seem a high goal. For where you grew up, that might have been a fairly high goal. So people need to understand the context of how you grew up. So talk about just those high school years.




Alice Tsang:

Yeah, sure. So the kind of some hurdles to overcome. So financially I now got some support from my uncle. So I was able to attend high school. Teaching was switched to, I mean that was pretty common then from Chinese to English. And of course in my immediate family, I was the first to go to secondary school. My cousin, I think she was a year younger than me, we live in the same apartment. I would have done the same thing as she had. I was destined to be a factory worker after graduating from primary school, but somehow I was able to pass the secondary school entrance exam, that's a public test, public exam, screening students so that those who did fairly well could go to a public school. The British system in the old days, public schools actually were government funded. They tend to be better quality schools.




Alice Tsang:

So somehow I was able to get into one of them. My school was a vocational school, so people looking at me going to... They would be dismissive of that because that's not a traditional school. People graduating from those, we just learned some work skills and then they wouldn't be expected to go to college. But for me it's fine. That's exactly what I wanted to do because I wanted to find a job after graduation to support my mother. Lo and behold, it was not as easy. The first two years, first two grades were not easy for me because while I did well in other subjects, I was not too good in math. And in fact, like I said to you, it would've pulled me down. I wouldn't have finished high school. Well if not for the fact that in that particular school they have three different streams.




Alice Tsang:

So the girl is a girl school. So the girls that were doing well will be going to the math/accounting stream, and other two streams. One would be domestic science and embroidery, and the third one is pottery and stenography. I don't know why pottery, but in any case, they did have an expert in making pottery and somehow she was an important teacher in the school. So I ended up doing that. But as I related to people later on, now that I'm more familiar with the Bible, see God is the potter and the clay. So I know the process and in a way the shaping, the molding, and the cutting, it resonates with me.




Alice Tsang:

When I was streamed into that class I started to thrive and we had to take a lot of dictation, and do typing, and whatnot. So that actually helped my English ability because listening to correspondence, business correspondence that I have to take shorthand and transcribe, that definitely helped me in written English and in some way kind of know grammar better.




Alice Tsang:

That ended up being very helpful when later on in life I became a financial analyst. You need to write a lot and very quickly. So like I said, things that we might not think anything of, maybe even find it tedious or useless, irrelevant, no time is wasted if you put your heart to learning it well, because somehow God will use your skills later and maybe for a higher purpose. So that's how I see it. So as a result of being quite good in English, I was able to do well in my exams later on the public exam and eventually being able to get into college and major in English.




Warwick Fairfax:

How did you go to college and what did your family think? Because that seems like a notion hard to comprehend from your family. So talk about that was a massive shift.




Alice Tsang:

Yeah, well I mean all along the plan was I feel like we do one thing, one step at a time. Don't think too far. We couldn't afford to, so let's finish high school, you get a job. And I was looking at the possibility, okay, there's an exam to take for me to see if I can get to the next step. If I could, then let's think about it. So this is why I think you said my experience had been remarkable. The remarkable thing is, things that are so unlikely to happen actually did because now looking back, there's a guiding hand there to open the doors for me, in spite of my kind of short vision, really nearsightedness in a way by necessity we couldn't think too far down the road. The fact that I was able to get into University of Hong Kong, which was not easy in those days.




Alice Tsang:

Most of the students going in came from upper middle class families, especially the discipline that I went into. I was having classmates that graduated from schools that where they attended, they were taught by foreigners, many nuns, and reverends, and so on, westerners. I had to compete with them, and the fact that I almost fail sometimes, that's kind of a, not so much a scarlet letter you know something like a P on my forehead. When people see me, I mean they already know that I'm from a very poor family, I don't belong.




Alice Tsang:

So this sense of not belonging to the university and then later on when I entered the various firms that I worked in persists and persisted until more recent years. And so this is what I want to encourage others that, yeah, okay so you need to be able to have someone that you can always trust and you believe that He's the almighty and He's guiding you and He will help you overcome. Now whatever background you are coming from, whether it is likely or not likely that you get into those institutions, if you are there, you belong, right? You have the ability to contribute to the success of those organizations as long as you do well. And don't worry about whether you came from the circles that do not mingle with those who are already populating those organizations and do not waste time.




Gary Schneeberger:

This is a perfect time for me to jump in because we're not too far past your childhood and we're about to transition into your professional career. But there was something you said when we talked before the recorders were turned on, a quote you said that I want listeners to hear because it applies to their own crucible experiences. You said this about your childhood. "My childhood ended up not being a bad thing." You told us, "Perspective is very important. I learned a one day at a time mentality." You've just described what that is, how that worked for you as you were going through your education. And that is something that Warwick stresses all the time. This do the next right thing, take one small step at a time. That's how you get beyond the crucible. And your crucible certainly was difficult, you've just described it.




Gary Schneeberger:

But now we're moving into that transition period where things, I don't know if they get easier, that's the wrong word. Things begin to, you begin to achieve some things that put you on the path to your life of significance. And that's what we talk about here all the time. So I just wanted listeners to hear that idea, that Alice, you heard her talk about her childhood and she says, "It ended up not being a bad thing." That's not far off. Guests who have said to us on this very show, "My crucible was a gift." Right? Alice is saying sort of the same thing. It wasn't that bad of a situation. It taught her how to take a one day at a time approach to things. That's what we try to do here too. So I just wanted to drop that in Warwick, before we get too far through her story. It seems like we're right in the middle of Alice's story here. So I wanted to get that in.




Warwick Fairfax:

I mean that's such a good point, Gary, that Alice has such a great perspective on how she grew up and didn't let those experiences define her. She just kept one, right? What's the next right step each time? Just not being limited by other people's limiting expectations, be it a family or the middle class, upper middle class. In all cultures, unfortunately on the planet, there's tends to be class structure and I don't know, just the nature of human beings I guess. But again, graduating from university is remarkable. But then the remarkable with Alice saying doesn't stop. There's another, there's always one more step of remarkable, one more step. What's the next, right, remarkable step. So you ended up moving to the US getting an MBA in finance at New York University, NYU, and working on Wall Street. I mean for somebody that said I flunked math and it was at one point majoring in English, how in the world did you get to NYU and finance, and Wall Street? That seemed like a remarkable transition. How'd that happen?




Alice Tsang:

Okay, so this is the thing about doing things one thing at a time, not being able to think too far ahead. At some point, I ended up teaching high school English in Hong Kong for a few years before thinking about getting a higher education so that I can progress in my career. The goal was to get a degree in education, but at the time I had a mentor, he advised me that, "Well, maybe you should consider getting an MBA." And I say, "Are you kidding me? I can't even 1 and 1, add to 3." I know that's probably what I could do. And so he said, "Yeah, why don't you give it a try? And you can take some classes and so on." So I did and I went to some community college and later on enrolled in a state university to take the business classes and I found out that I actually was able to learn and I was able to do fairly well.




Alice Tsang:

So eventually, I took the GMAT and then applied to NYU and got in, Hey, why not, right? It was good. NYU was pretty strong in finance, so I ended up majoring in finance and got a degree there and did pretty well. The transition, right? You know from being a student to working on Wall Street. Now that was a lot more difficult. I would consider that almost a fairly short period, not too long, probably the wilderness years because I was not able to find something that will recognize my MBA degree in finance, making very little money in the beginning. And so it was tough, but eventually, because I still try to excel in whatever I did and learned from what I was doing, I ended up being introduced to my boss's friend who was the director of research at EF Hutton at the time, EF Hutton was a pretty reputable firm.




Alice Tsang:

I think it was second only to Merrill Lynch in those days. So I was able to get in as a junior analyst, and before long I made a name for myself. Even though at the time I went in to the firm, I barely know the abbreviation of the 50 states of America. But by the time I left, I was already quite known to my clients and eventually I actually got some awards for what I did later on.




Alice Tsang:

So it's not any big deal, but looking back at where I came from, totally not even expecting going to high school, finishing high school or college and then now having a job on Wall Street. And that was a dream come true. And eventually I have to say that my family and I were able to live the American dream. So that is something that I just want to point out why I feel very grateful for what I had been given and I want to be able to give back in many ways.




Warwick Fairfax:

Talk a bit about those years because this was, I think back in the eighties and life wasn't easy, and you faced setbacks, frankly, discrimination, if not racism. Being a woman from Asia, you have a very interesting perspective. You acknowledge it, you don't sugarcoat it, but yet you found a way to push back and overcome. So just talk about those years because that was a crucible of its own, just the blatant discrimination, sexism you faced. So talk about what happened and how you dealt with it, pushback and overcame it.




Alice Tsang:

Sure, yes. Yeah, I think discrimination in those years in the eighties, definitely... First I told you already, right? Because I grew up somewhere else. I spoke English with an accent. I'm still speaking with an accent and I was not well-connected. I don't, and I didn't play golf. I had no clue about sports. In those days, and then that's all the traders and promoting managers, and most people I work with, they would be bending, using their own language.




Alice Tsang:

So I don't really feel I belong in the way that you would expect when you work in some place, you know you become part of the community. So I always feel like somewhat of an outsider, but instead of feeling upset about not being included, I learned how to focus my time. So one thing that I found out is just spend your time well, be productive, concentrate on the positive because the learning opportunities were precious and I did learn a lot of things during my time working wherever I work, there are so many things that I could learn. And what I learned make me a better person because then I can share my knowledge with others. So that's how I see myself being a better person. Not so much I'm superior to anybody else, but I do have something to share with others. So that is what I consider improvement or being better. So by being able to focus on what I could do better, I could do more. I ended up making a name for myself and I didn't set out doing so, but that was the outcome.




Alice Tsang:

So that was positive and as a result I was able to move to other places as well. Very interesting, different experiences also. That's what I found, not just being pigeonholed into one particular sector. I was able to learn different sectors. Even though I was a fixed income analyst, the things I learned, I picked up over time, helped me a lot. And especially looking back, I become a better investor. And that is something that God was preparing me for down the road because we ended up having a few dollars to invest. And the skills that I picked up while I was working in the financial sector was very helpful. And this is something that I also was able to share with my students, with people that I encounter who are having financial challenges to encourage them.




Warwick Fairfax:

One of the things you mentioned to us before, which I thought was really fascinating is because of, it's the eighties discrimination, you may not have got paid as much as you should given the work you were doing, but you mentioned you found a way around that because you were just a good investor and so maybe you made more than some. So it's like, okay fine, they don't want to pay me as much as they should. I'll find a way around this, I'll just be a smart investor. And you knew fixed income and other things. So I just found that fascinating. You found a way around that obstacle, it didn't hold you back, you found a way to make money somewhere else. So talk about the attitude that's behind that, because that's a really intriguing attitude you have to life. That's just one example. That's sort of an Alice Tsang way of doing things, right? There's an obstacle? Great, I'll find a way around it.




Alice Tsang:

Yes, yes. So thank you for bringing this up. So one thing that I am quite sure, usually you don't know, but I'm not the kind that would file lawsuit against people because I'm kind of mistreated or unfairly treated. Even though I believe, I strongly believe if there is something to discover how the pay scale works and whatnot in the organizations where I have served, that could potentially be the truth. But that doesn't bother me at all. For one thing, remember where I came from. So having a job in those organizations to me is already such a blessing. I was not paid poorly. I mean I made good money, did I get pay as well as my colleagues? Maybe not, but doesn't matter. You know you focus your time in doing constructive things and somehow if you don't get the money in here, there are opportunities for you to get your compensation somewhere else.




Alice Tsang:

So there were opportunities for me to invest and I just save good money, and invest, and to me is even better because my investment is under my control. The pay is not so much under my control, if you get my drift? So by recognizing that I actually feel more empowered and that's what I would share with folks who are feeling bitter or just upset. Okay, so look through what you are experiencing, but there are ways you create opportunities for yourselves. And this is what I really want to come across over the years I probably could have, if I were not Asian, woman, no connections and so on, I probably would have had a lot more opportunities if I had been another race and so on. But it doesn't matter. The important thing is somehow you are empowered and you create opportunities for yourself and you can do it.




Alice Tsang:

And I find it doable and we have done that. And so right now, while I never had imagined, so we may be getting to this later, being a college professor, when I should be long retired. Somehow this is an opportunity that God prepared for me and I feel like the calling is something that I should accept and just go through that door. And also, as a result of the ability to invest, we have started a small business which again, was not anticipated. And so we are doing pretty well, having a recurring source of income that help me be able to teach as a volunteer.




Alice Tsang:

So I think that is something to celebrate. And I want to emphasize the fact that I had nothing growing up and now we do have quite a bit and I feel so grateful. There's no bitterness that I feel, no matter what experience I had, could that have been better? It does not matter, because what matters is I have so much more than what I was growing up with and I feel extremely grateful and that actually gives me peace of mind because now I can be encouraging others and helping others in a substantive way.




Warwick Fairfax:

So let's talk about that transition because you were doing well on Wall Street. I think as you mentioned, fixed income analyst, you could have stayed there and probably continued to, well hopefully despite the barriers rise up, do well, well even better than you did, which you did very well. But you made a decision to teach first at Gordon College, a Christian College in Massachusetts for a number of years and now and Taylor University in Indiana another Christian college. What made you feel led that the next right step and your remarkable journey if you will, what led you to shift from Wall Street to teaching?




Alice Tsang:

One thing that was health, I retired from Fidelity in 2008, and that all hell broke loose right now because of my work. The company is a huge investor in the market. So we were, all of us working there had witnessed a lot of developments and I was one of the analysts analyzing the firms that were experiencing huge problems. And truth be told, we were analyzing the unanalyzable. If you look at the actions or the lack of solutions, even at the Fed level, Federal Reserve level, know who will we right to be able to analyze and predict what's going to happen? So the stress of the work and just a lot of pressure and so on. And there's also this people who work for retirement, right? Early retirement. And there was this thought about, "Okay, so how much is enough for you to retire comfortably?"




Alice Tsang:

And at the time when I retired, we had more than, so the health issue was something that was bothering me and the need to stay at work for till very late every evening. So eventually, I think that was the right thing to do. And after I retired, I was trying to find something to share my experience that can enable me to share my experience with others. This teaching opportunity came up also very unexpectedly when I was visiting a former colleague of Fidelity who was teaching at Gordon. And so he invited me to one of his classes as a speaker and we started talking and then later on the department chair of Gordon, like economics and business invited me to apply for an adjunct professorship and I started teaching as an adjunct professor and then the following year they made me full-time.




Warwick Fairfax:

You have a passion for financial literacy in particular to financial literacy for underserved communities. Talk a bit about what that is and why it's your passion?




Alice Tsang:

So coming back to my own background, one thing that is somehow to me is a misconception is, a lot of minority groups that in a low income families, they don't see the need for financial literacy or knowing about finance. Several things. One is, well I don't have money so I don't need to know about financial planning. There's nothing to plan. So since I don't have money, why do I need to know about financial planning? Now that cannot be further from the truth. The less you have, the more important it's to plan well, right? Because you know you want to get from nothing to having a little, a little bit more, and then more, and more, and more so that you can achieve financial security. So that's very important.




Alice Tsang:

So if I'm in this group, then I would spend $4 or $5 on the coffee every day. Why not? I don't have too much money, but this is a treat for me. And then even if I save it doesn't amount to much. Like yes, listen to me. Small things when you accumulate, it can grow, and then you would end up having a decent amount to start investing. So that is something very important to share with people in that group.




Alice Tsang:

Underserved communities tend to get scammed if they don't have financial literacy because they don't have much. And someone usually would come along and say, "Hey, you know what? I can help you get rich quickly." "I'm in." So whatever little that they would kind of flock over and then they end up losing whatever little they have. And so knowing more about finance, how to avoid fraud, scam, learning to do things patiently, doing real investing instead of succumbing to all the get rich quick schemes, that would end up serving them much better than having them be convinced that they can actually cut corners. The only people that will get rich quick from the whole transaction is the people who scam them.




Alice Tsang:

The other thing is, we want to have more harmony in society. So the income inequality and so forth. You have the underserved constantly having nothing or very little, while the other people who knows better more about finance, financial planning. Then you have the gap widen. So we really need to do something constructive to bring the two groups together, not necessarily through income distribution, but by sharing the knowledge, like promoting financial literacy among the underserved, you empower them so they learn how to create opportunities for themselves, and they feel a lot more fulfilled. And that's what I think your website is trying to advocate, right? To espouse, to give people the ability, the power to look beyond their current challenges and see better things ahead. And they can do it because they already have the ability endowed in them. They just need the vision to pursue that.




Gary Schneeberger:

That sound you just heard, listener, was the captain of our plane here turning down the fastened seatbelt sign indicating it's about time to begin our descent to end this episode of Beyond the Crucible, but we're not there yet. So you can hang out of your peanut bags for a little while longer. And Warwick, I'll flip it back to you to ask the last question or two to Alice. Alice, one of the things I want to do for you in the show notes, I noticed that you're very active on LinkedIn, so I'm going to put your LinkedIn address in there for people who can engage with some of the wisdom that you've been sharing here. So we'll make sure people can find you there.




Warwick Fairfax:

So Alice, thank you so much for being here. We asked this kind of question a reasonable amount. So I think in this case I'm thinking there could be maybe a young person, maybe they're from an immigrant, maybe different background, maybe they've grown up without the advantages of stable family life, maybe they've suffered even as a young kid, maybe racism, sexism, discrimination, maybe their sights are pretty low. What would a word of hope be to that young person who thinks, "People like me never amount to much because life is not fair and kind of why bother? Because the deck is stacked against me. It's just nobody I know has succeeded. Nobody I know has got any degree of financial, not even wealth, just financial stability." What would a word of hope be? Maybe to that young person that doesn't see too much hope or future, or positive future in their lives?




Alice Tsang:

Okay, so allow me to provide a few points here. Okay, so you are growing up in a poor family, never amount to much or it is not possible to do anything. I see you being able to be the leader that can be the one who break through the barriers for your family, for your community, so you can inspire people in your community. So this is one thing that I really strongly encourage. We do not have the ability to be perfect, but we can control how much effort we put into a better future for ourselves. And if you already have the abilities but you don't see the possibility of realizing your dreams, that might be because you haven't started doing something using your ability. So a dream is a dream and you will never become reality unless you take action using your ability to do more, and more, and more.




Alice Tsang:

And as you see the results, you'll be encouraged and you will dare to do more and aspire higher. So that's what I hope will be an encouragement to someone who grew up like myself, never even in my wildest dream. And it is not just something that I say this, my mom also said to me before she passed away, she would never have dreamt. And that's like where we would have become what we would have become.




Alice Tsang:

The other thing is, we are not doing it alone. I am a believer, so God has been helping me. We also want to look around. There are people around us. If we associate with the right people who are supportive, who are encouraging, we encourage one another and support one another so that we can all move forward. And rather than saying, "Why bother?" My question is, why not give it a try?




Gary Schneeberger:

I have been in the communication business long enough to know when the last words have been spoken at a subject and Alice Tsang just spoke it. Why not try? Indeed. So listener until the next time that we are together. Remember this, we do know that your crucible experiences are difficult.




Gary Schneeberger:

My goodness, you heard Alice talk about her growing up years and some of the challenges that she faced, but she did it with a positivity that speaks to the way that she's navigated beyond that, as she said, perspective is very important. And she learned much perspective from what she went through, the challenges that she went through. And that's what we hope, not just this episode, certainly this episode, but every episode of Beyond the Crucible helps you to do. So, we do know that your crucibles are difficult, but we also know that on the other side of those crucibles, as you learn the lessons of them, and apply them, and begin to walk out your journey, that journey can be the most rewarding one of your life, the most exciting one of your life, because where it leads is to a life of significance.




Gary Schneeberger:

If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond The Crucible. Visit our website beyondthecrucible.com to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start, our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible, and to chart a course forward. See you next week.

Janine Shepherd was on track to represent her home nation of Australia in the Olympics as a cross-country skier – but then her dream, quite literally, crashed when she was hit by a utility truck while on a bicycle training exercise with her teammates. She came out the other side of that horrific accident and the 6 months of arduous recovery that followed to discover she was a paraplegic.

But as she explains to Warwick, her identity as “Janine the Machine,” the elite athlete, was not to be her destiny. She had another calling, learning to fly and training others to be pilots, and inspiring multitudes who have suffered tragedies and trials to embrace loss as their lives’ greatest teacher. 

An in-demand speaker whose Ted talk has been viewed more than 2 million times, Shepherd calls herself “a mirror to help people see their own defiant spirits.”

Her guiding philosophy? “Nothing comes easy, and if it did, it wouldn’t be worth having.”

Highlights

Transcript

Warwick Fairfax:

Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond The Crucible.




Janine Shepherd:

Wasn't really till I got home from hospital, almost six months later, that I really realized, "Wow, this is pretty bad." I was in a wheelchair, plaster body cast, I'd lost so much weight, there was nothing left of me, I was attached to a catheter bottle, I had to learn to use a catheter. They basically told me, "You're a paraplegic, and this is the rest of your life." And I got very depressed, and I wanted to give up.

And I remember, there was this moment where I was in my room, in my bed at night, and I just thought, "No, I want to get out of here." And I can remember crawling onto the floor in my room and sobbing. And I can remember calling out into the darkness. And I always, I'm very careful with these words, "God," "universe," whatever it is that resonates with you. But I remember my prayer was, "God, just show me a way through this or show me a way out of this." And that was this moment of sort of almost brings me to tears now when I think about, but this moment of choice, where I let go. I knew that holding on to the life that I had was causing me to suffer. And it was like I had a clean slate now. And that was a gift.




Gary Schneeberger:

Emerging from the other side of a horrific traffic accident in the six months of arduous recovery that followed, to discover she's a paraplegic. That's exactly the experience our guest this week, Janine Shepherd had in 1986. Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. Shepherd was on track to represent her home nation of Australia in the Olympics as a cross country skier. But then, her dream quite literally crashed, when she was hit by a utility truck, while on a bicycle training exercise with her teammates. But as she explains to Warwick, her identity as Janine, the machine, the elite athlete, was not to be her destiny. She had another calling, learning to fly and to train others to be pilots and inspiring multitudes who have suffered tragedies and trials to embrace loss as their life's greatest teacher. An in-demand speaker whose TED Talk has been viewed more than 2 million times, Shepherd calls herself a mirror to help people see their own defiance spirits. Her guiding philosophy, "Nothing comes easy, and if it did, it wouldn't be worth having."




Warwick Fairfax:

Well, Janine, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Just reviewing some of your material and your story, it's just amazing. And I'm really looking forward to just your perspective, because I felt like we haven't even spoken yet and I feel like I'm learning a lot already. And I've got, I'm sure, a lot more to learn. But I love the title of a book you wrote, Defiant: A Broken Body Is Not a Broken Person. My gosh, I love, love that title. That is just amazing. So obviously, there is the key crucible moment, but I'd love to just hear a bit about a young Janine, growing up, sort of hopes, dreams, maybe some of the threads maybe went a different direction, but maybe some of the threads went in the direction you're going now, though maybe you didn't realize it as a young Janine. But tell us, what was life like for Janine growing up?




Janine Shepherd:

Well, that's a great question. I don't often get asked about those early years. Well, I was an athlete. My whole life revolved around sport. I always thought I was going to the Olympics, and I'd gone from track and field, athletics, all sorts of sports. I played many, many sports and then, found myself in the unlikely sport for an Australian of cross country skiing. And people go, "Oh, is there snow in Australia?" And I go, "Yeah, there is." And it's actually ideal for cross country skiing. And cross country skiing was a marriage of my whole background of endurance sports, triathlon, marathon, things like that, and just grit. Cross country skiing is looked upon as being probably the toughest aerobic sport in the world. So when I found myself in cross country skiing, sort of later in life, when I was at really starting uni, and picked it up so quickly and thought, "This is my sport. This is the one."

And I sort of climbed the ranks really quickly, became a member of the Australian Ski Team, had my sights set on the Olympics, was invited by the Canadian Ski Team coach to join up with their team in preparation for the Olympics. I was on top of the world. I felt like, "This is my destiny. Everything I've worked towards is getting me to the '88 Winter Olympics in Calgary." So that's where I found myself. My whole life sort of building up to the Olympics, my background in sport, my background in endurance sports. Yeah, my nickname was Janine, the Machine. And I'll tell you a funny story about that later. Because I trained harder, always trained with the guys. I just, yeah, I was a machine.




Warwick Fairfax:

So where did some of that adventurous machine-like qualities come from? From your parents, grandparents, friends? Not everybody grows up with that just the tenacity and "Whatever I do, I'm just going to go for it." You just sounded like you had that adventurous... Some people are so afraid of risks and failing that they don't try and do anything, but that did not seem to be who you were. Where did that sense of machine-like adventurous go for it spirit come from?




Janine Shepherd:

Well, I think I've always pushed myself, and my early life was in Dural. You probably know where that is. It's sort of considered my grandfather came from, they had a peach orchard. My grandfather actually was a POW. I remember listening to a recording of his once, talking about how we had a lot of similarities, and he was a Japanese prisoner of war, built the railway. I feel like a lot of that, what my grandfather, that defiance and the stories that he had about wartime, I can sort of relate to a lot of that.

And so, I think my parents, we lived a very sort of a frugal life. They weren't in any way wealthy. We lived in Dural. We lived on property from a peach orchard. And I think a lot of that was just that you got to really work hard. You got to just to get ahead. And I had that mentality. And I think I had, I guess, my gift was in sport and physical abilities. And so, I just always thought that was how I defined myself. My body was my strength. And that was a really important part of my story, because I lost the thing that I thought defined myself. So it was the perfect experience for me to lose that.




Warwick Fairfax:

Wow, that's an amazing. Well, let's push pause there. We'll have to come back to that, because that's an incredible statement of what you just said. Talk about that day in 1986. From what I understand, you were training in the Blue Mountains, which my parents had a cabin there in Blackheath, so I'm pretty familiar with the Blue Mountains. It's a beautiful place. So talk about that. You were training one day in the Blue Mountains, and you just tell us about that day.




Janine Shepherd:

Yeah, so we were on a bike ride with my teammates. There were probably maybe 30 of us. We did it a few times a year. We rode from Sydney up to the Blue Mountains, which is about a six hour ride, pretty grueling up through the hills, which I loved. I always loved the hills, trained on the hills. It's my catchphrase, "Love the hills." And we'd been on our bikes for around five and a half hours. And I hadn't been well leading up to that day. In fact, it's funny, I always look back and think, "Oh, was I meant to go on that ride?" I'd been at uni, I had been overtraining, I hadn't been well, I'd had some blood tests, and I probably shouldn't have gone. But I dragged myself out of bed, and all my mates were going. So off we went, and I was really tired.

I remember I was on that hill thinking, "Oh, this is really hard work." And I just remember looking up, seeing the sun shining in my face. And then, that's it. That's my last memory. And I was run over by a speeding truck. That's my crucible moment. That's the moment that changed my life. And suffered extensive injuries. I actually have no memory of the accident. The doctor said I had post-traumatic amnesia. And the reason I don't remember is I left my body, and I broke my neck and my back in six places, broke five ribs on my left side, my arm, my collarbone, bones in my feet, lost about five liters of blood. I shouldn't have survived. The speed that the driver was going. And some people saw there's something flying through the air, which was my body, and they stopped and ran back.

And couple of guys in a utility truck had gotten out, and they were about to lift me up and put me in a car. And this lady, called Elizabeth, who's my soulmate, stopped them, and she just got blankets or pieces of clothes and put them over me. And the ambulance was there very quickly. And had she not done that, I probably wouldn't, well, wouldn't have walked, wouldn't have survived. But she just sat with me. And that's an incredible story too. And I have since connected with the ambulance driver that picked me up as well. And he said, "She's not dying on my shift." And he got to the hospital, I only found this out fairly recently, the United Kingdom. And of course, I turned up, and this was, he'd never seen anything like this. And Gary, the paramedic, had said, "Well, should we call the helicopter from Sydney?"

And he said, "No, she's not going to make it." And so, Gary went and pulled out his mate, who was a surgeon at the time in theater and said, "Please come and see this girl." And this doctor handed over, came out of theater, came into emergency, looked at me and said, "I'm taking over. Stand aside," to this young doctor, who was out of his depth and just, they called the helicopter up. They got blood flown up from Sydney. They flew me down to a specialist spinal unit. And that's where I stayed for the next six months. But if it hadn't also been all of these sort of moments that were aligning, Gary, pulling his mate out of theater, coming to see me, all of these things, there were all these people that sort of intervened along the way. And had it not been for them, I certainly wouldn't be here.

I do remember leaving my body. I do remember having, what I call, we like to say near-death experience, I say it was a death experience, because I had this sort of moment of choice. "Do I go back to my body? That body is broken, it can't serve me anymore." And the really interesting thing about that, and people ask me about that, all the time, people are asking about, "What's it like? What happened? What did you see?" And I say, "Well, I didn't come back to teach people about that. I came back to teach people how to live in this life." And I had to learn that too. Making a choice to come back to a paralyzed, broken body, as I said, was probably the thing that I needed to experience.

And I needed it, because loss is a great teacher. And I always say, "It doesn't just show us who we are, it shows us who we're not." The lesson of that was, I'm not my body. I remember opening my eyes and seeing my father's face and thinking, just being utterly confused. "This is not what I wanted." And I guess that's where the journey began, the journey of disability, of really coming to terms with that loss and the grief. And even though I spent almost six months in hospital, and that was paralyzed, flat on my back, looking up through a mirror that was hanging above me. Actually, it was a very challenging situation, but it was also one of the most enriching experiences that I've ever had. And it taught me a lot about myself and about life and about other people, and really stripped me of any sense of entitlement.




Warwick Fairfax:

Wow. And I definitely want to go there. But obviously, there initially must have been some anger, frustration. One question occurs to me, because one of the Resilience Checklists, you've got forgiveness, obviously, one of the big ones up there, maybe number one, is forgive that young guy in the truck, that was driving too fast and was doing... Sometimes it's not people's fault, sometimes it really is. And sure seemed like it was that person. So I'm assuming you must have given this checklist, how did you manage to forgive? There's acceptance of your situation, which is tough enough, but how did you manage to forgive that person?




Janine Shepherd:

That's a great question. And my Resilience Checklist, which is what I say, the 12 steps that I actually took to recover. I'll just get to forgiveness in a sec. When I was in hospital, I wasn't really angry. There was one particular time where I got very, very depressed, when I thought I was counting down the weeks till I got out of bed. And then, the doctors came and said, "Well, actually, no, we're going to start the clock again. It's another two months." And I just felt like giving up. And they did something was very wise and clever, which is they moved me next to someone who was much more injured than I was. So they moved me next to a young girl called Maria. We were similar in age, and she was a complete quadriplegic, who'd been in the back of a car that had had an accident.

I could never complain, because I looked at her and she was in a much worse situation than I was. And she was also an incredible human being. She was always smiling, always happy. And she taught me a lot about what it means to accept. And we became great friends. So that also came, we talk about these interventions, things that have happened in my life just at the right time, that have showed me and taught me a lesson. And so, it wasn't really till I got home from hospital, almost six months later, that I really realized, "Wow, this is pretty bad." I was in a wheelchair, plaster body cast, I'd lost so much weight, there was nothing left of me, I was attached to a catheter bottle, I had to learn to use a catheter. They basically told me, "You're a paraplegic, and this is the rest of your life."

And I got very depressed, and I wanted to give up. And I remember there was this moment where I was in my room, in my bed at night, and I just thought, "No, I want to get out of here." And I can remember crawling onto the floor in my room and sobbing. And I can remember crawling out into the darkness. And I'm very careful with these words, "God," "universe," whatever it is that resonates with you. But I remember my prayer was, "God, just show me a way through this or show me a way out of this." And that was this moment of sort of almost brings me to tears now when I think about, but this moment of choice, where I let go. I knew that holding on to the life that I had was causing me to suffer. And it was like I had a clean slate now.

And that was a gift, because my life revolved around sport and training and that's who I was. And now, it was like, "Okay, this is a rebirth, a new beginning." And it wasn't until I got to that point, that letting go, that my life literally changed. It was as if my eyes were open to a new way of seeing. And of course, that's the moment when, after that, when I was outside and an airplane flew over, and I looked up and thought, "Okay, if I can't walk, then maybe I can fly." It was ridiculous, but that was the letting go.

And part of that, and I'll tie that into forgiveness, is realizing that, by holding onto my anger towards the driver, who was suffering? I was suffering. So I did some exercises, I wrote a forgiveness letter, I posted it to him, even though I didn't have his address. And that was really symbolic for me. And I always say, "You don't forgive to let someone off the hook, you forgive to let yourself off the hook." That's one of the very practical things that I did to, well, let us both off the hook really, but there was a hard one, that was the black belt forgiveness. Because he was charged. He was charged with negligent driving, and he got an $80 fine.




Gary Schneeberger:

Oh my.




Warwick Fairfax:

Seriously? $80 for what has put you through or anybody through? $80 for a six month body cast and permanent disability? That's just, yeah, doesn't seem like justice. But I guess the law is the law. But wow.




Janine Shepherd:

And I thank him now. I know his name, and it's taught me a lot. I can't imagine a better way to learn about forgiveness than the person that ran you over and changed your life forever, which now it's been a gift. It is a gift. It always has been. But I like to say to people, I talk about WTGIT, what's the gift in this? And there's always a gift.




Gary Schneeberger:

One of the things that you said to me when we first talked comes to mind now, and that is, you said, as you were just describing what you were describing, how difficult that was, how painful that was, how forgiveness was difficult, how you were in this facing this uncertain future, you said that you realized, in that moment, that maybe rock bottom was a great place to start figuring out what your life was going to be. That was a turning point. And I want listeners to both hear what you said to me off air and then, hear what you say now. Rock bottom can be a gift. Rock bottom can be the turning point. It can be Go on the monopoly board of life. And that's what you experienced, right?




Janine Shepherd:

Yeah, absolutely. Rock bottom is the perfect place, the only place, at times, to start. And I think we can go through life and we have all these things that the sort of scaffolding that we place around ourselves, the way that we define ourselves. We define ourselves through our jobs, through our relationships, through the things we own, our car, our house. And when you lose all of those things, that's when the inner journey really starts. That's when you get to ask the really important questions. "Well, who am I? What is my purpose in life?" And these are really important questions that we don't often get to the point where we ask those questions, because we've got such busy lives, things around us that we think form our identity. And so, as I said, with sport and my body, with this strong body, I really had to ask those questions to dive deep.

And it was a gift, because I realized, my TED Talk, the original title was, You're Not Your Body, it's now, TED, when they put it on their site, changed it to A broken body isn't a broken person. But when I was speaking with Mike Lundgren, the curator of TEDxKC, and he said, "Wow, what an incredible story. What's the most important thing you learned?" And I sort of thought, "Hmm, all right, well, I guess the most important question is I'm not my body." And that's important, because we're not our jobs, we're not our relationships, we're not our home, we're not our car, we're not anything that we think defines us. And when we build our identity on things, it's a very slippery slope.




Warwick Fairfax:

Wow. There's so much wisdom in what you're saying, it's hard to know which thread to pull on. But I try and pull on as many as I can. It's just amazing, because these are things that come up from time to time. It's just I'm both learning, but just some of the things you're saying about forgiveness, you forgive, because you are kind of worth it. One of the phrases we talk about is "Lack of forgiveness is like drinking poison. It destroys you." And so, by forgiving, you get out of prison, stop drinking poison, and it's exactly what you are saying. And you use the word "choice," which is such a good word. You can't choose some of the consequences of what happened to you, but you can choose how you choose to react to that and reframe it, which is what you've done magnificently. You talk about blessing. I have a feeling you probably learnt these things a lot quicker than I did, because some of these concepts are more recent ones for me.




Janine Shepherd:

One of the things about my speaking is I don't stand up and say, "Life is great. You can do anything." My message is, life is tough. Life is really tough. Life is filled with hills. Once you accept that, then the fact that it has hills doesn't matter anymore. You can sort of roll up your sleeves and go, "Okay, well, this is what it's about. I have this awareness, and now, I know what it's all about." And yeah, we're all going through it. We all have our crucibles, we all have our challenges, we've got to stay in our lane. Comparison is a thief of joy. And that's one of the challenges that we have living in an age of social media that we have. And talking about my TED Talk, I'm a great fan of Joseph Campbell, the great mythologist, who wrote about the Hero's Journey. So my TED Talk, which you'll see has five chairs on stage, is actually created around Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey.

And each chair, when I was planning my talk, each chair represented a challenge or a struggle and an insight, until the final insight "I'm not my body." So I've actually done workshops at, I call it the chair five chair workshop, where I get people to actually think about where they are now, which chair are they on? Are they on the chair of acceptance? And looking at whatever struggle they've got. Because you see, life is about patterns. We're continually going through these challenges. The hills never stop. You get over one hill. "Oh, great." It's not like, "Okay, that's it, I've done it." It's like, "Okay, the next one's coming." And once you see the pattern, then it becomes almost like a game. You start to sort of go, "Yeah, I get this. I know where I am now. Okay, what are the tools that I used? What are the tools in my toolkit? What can I use? Which one will I pull out now?"

And so, it's really fun to look at it like that, to look at everything is, as I think, Gary, we talked about this, things don't happen to us, they happen for us. So "What can I learn from this? What tools have I developed?" And that's where my PhD is based on that at the moment, the resilience course that I wrote, based on the steps that I took in my recovery. And so, I'm even sitting here looking at them now, going, "Okay, now which one can I use now?" And I also, this morning, actually, I was listening to your interview with my dear friend, Dr. Suzy Green.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, she's fabulous.




Janine Shepherd:

Yeah. In fact, I've got a picture behind us, you probably can't see it, which is, from Suzy, a strengths chart. So my resilience course is based on positive psychology interventions. And the last step on this course is gratitude. And I look back, when I was in hospital, gratitude wasn't even a thing. And now, it's the most highly researched aspect of positive psychology. But I decided, very early on, that every single person that came in to visit me, I'd be grateful, and I would thank them for coming in. And what I didn't know what we know now is that gratitude changes our brains. And there's a lot of positive psychology interventions around gratitude. But that simple act of saying "thank you" and being grateful allowed me to lie in that hospital bed for almost six months. And it's my go-to tool even today. Every morning, "What am I grateful for?"




Warwick Fairfax:

It's so important. One of the things I'm thinking of is, your whole life, you trained as an Olympic athlete, there was this determination, I love the phrase you used, Janine, the Machine, as I'm thinking back, none of that was... Well, the core of that was never lost. The physical part, but Janine, the Machine just moved in a different direction. "Yeah, okay, I'm injured. Great. There's a big hill. I love hills. Let's power up the hill. Okay, there's a challenge. I can do this." So I just feel like that inherent training wasn't lost. You thought you were training for the Olympics, you were training for the Olympics, it was just a different Olympics, not one you entered into, nor would anybody want to sign up up for. But does that make sense that your determination, your training, the Janine Machine mentality, you used every part of that to come back from your crucible and to get to a point of gratitude, does that kind of make sense?




Janine Shepherd:

Oh, absolutely. And along the journey, I've learned so many lessons. I've dived into acceptance and commitment therapy. I've learned mindfulness training and meditation, and I've learned about letting go. I've learned about loosening my grip on the things that I think define me all my life. Every single day is a challenge when you have a disability. Every day, you wake up and you get out of bed. It's like, "Okay, I need to pull out these tools in my toolkit," because it is challenging. And I do laugh, that I have a friend that came around recently and said, "You know what? I think you've moved on from Janine the Machine."




Warwick Fairfax:

Oh, really?




Janine Shepherd:

And gave me a new nickname, which is hilarious, and calls me Janini Linguini.




Warwick Fairfax:

Really?




Janine Shepherd:

Which I thought, "Yeah, okay, I'm going to embrace my inner Janinin Linguini." Linguini, which is flexible and goes with the flow. And so, that's my new nickname now, Janini Linguini.




Warwick Fairfax:

There you go. That is a good one.




Gary Schneeberger:

I suspect that Warwick's going to get you up in the air here soon. Before we get you, as a pilot, again, we do pre-interview calls with all guests, just so we have the ability to ask informed questions. And I have my notes from our pre-interview call right here. And I wrote this question down when we first started talking, to ask you, when you think back, you were on the trajectory to go to the Olympics, and now, you're doing what you're doing now, as a speaker, as an educator, about resilience. And I asked you, "Is there any way that you can compare it? Is this more gratifying?"

And here's what you said to me. I'm going to read it right here to make sure that I got it right. "I was never going to the Olympics," you said. "My life was always laid out like this." That, talking about, and we'll give you listener, where you can find this Resilience Checklist, that shows someone who's completed the 12 steps, who's not just completed them, but had to learn them, had to then teach them, that's a pretty bold statement to make. Obviously, you stand by that statement, that your life was never about the Olympics, right?




Janine Shepherd:

Oh, yeah. No, it wasn't. And I'm a believer that we have a destiny, that we have a sacred contract in life, and we need to get onto that path. And when we're on that path, we just know it. It's this intuitive internal knowing of "This is what I'm meant to do." And as hard as it's been, these are the experiences that I needed to have. And I also believe that we're not given anything without also being given the strength to rise to the challenge.




Warwick Fairfax:

I just want to dwell on that thought that Gary mentioned. I was really struck by that, when you said, "I was never going to the Olympics. My life was always laid out like this." That's reframing and acceptance at an incredible level, as I try to put that on in my life, saying, "Well, how would that apply to me?" And our probably listeners are thinking, "Gee, what would that mean for me?" And the translation for me would be I was never going to be in a leading position to be in charge of John Fairfax Limited, even though, in theory, in terms of shares and various other things, in theory, if I'd waited long enough, I probably would've been, just objectively. But yet, reframing says there was always a greater purpose or different purpose, and being a person of faith and from my theological construct that God is sovereign and he has a sovereign will, and despite my stupidity and naivety, if he wanted it to happen, it would've.

But it was always the plan for it not to happen doesn't remove any of the stupid choices I made. But as I look back on it, I'm very grateful, because I've been married over 30 years to my wife, who's American. I have three adult kids. I love what I do at Beyond the Crucible. My kids are all hardworking, humble, thriving people. That would've been really tough for them growing up in a wealthy background in Sydney. So I look at my life, and I feel incredibly blessed. The crucible, it's a different crucible. Every once in a while, there's a little twinge. "Gosh, look what I did. And gosh, how stupid was I?" But yeah, there's a sense of acceptance and blessing. But that notion, I'd never thought about it that way, saying, "I was never going to be in charge of John Fairfax Limited."

That's with the application of your principle, if you will. That's a powerful principle that I think that a lot of people can use. Thinking, if you believe in destiny, "What happened was my destiny. How can I use this? What's the meaning? And what's the purpose?" You and Suzy, I'm sure, know a lot more about this than I do. But when you find meaning and purpose out of a crucible, that is a path to some degree of psychological healing. And that's, every day of your life, that's what you do in your own life and for others, try to help people see gratitude, meaning, and purpose in the crucible. Would that be part of the center of how you get back from your worst day, if you will?




Janine Shepherd:

Yeah. For me, it's about that whole idea of, when you can't change what's happening on the outside, you're given the opportunity to change what's happening on the inside. You have this sort of circle of influence. "What can I influence? What's in my control?" And I realized that, for me, lying paralyzed in a spinal ward, I couldn't change what was happening to my body, but I could change my reaction. I could simply decide to be thankful and grateful to everyone that came in to visit me. And the interesting thing about that is it actually is, as I said, one of the most research aspects of positive psychology now, that gratitude actually changes our brains, makes us more optimistic.

We know that, when we're optimistic, we're better problem solvers, we have better perspective, we're happier, we're healthier, we flourish. So these are actually concrete things that we can do. And deciding to reframe things is also a really important aspect of positive psychology, making the choice to say, "Okay, it didn't happen to me, it happened for me." My belief that we do have a certain destiny, and I've had enough sort of inner spiritual experiences to confirm that to me, that I am doing what I was meant to do, was never about the Olympics. It was about learning to live fully and fearlessly in this life right now.




Warwick Fairfax:

And I think what you're saying is, you talked about identity, is that, as wonderful as the Olympics are, it just felt like you realized there's a lot more to Janine Shepherd than being an Olympic elite athlete, which is wonderful, but there's a lot more to you than just that. And I don't mean to demean that at all, but I don't know if that makes any degree of sense that who you are as a human, you have so many gifts and experience, and our identity shouldn't be in one thing. It's like, does it seem a bit constricting? "Oh, who's Janine?" "Olympic athlete?" "Well, yeah, but there's a lot more to me than just that." Does that make sense? What have you learned about identity in that whole experience?




Janine Shepherd:

Absolutely, and that's why so many elite athletes struggle when they give up their sport, because they've attached themselves, "That's who I am." And as long as you do that, you never really get to ask the questions, you never really get to experience the essence of who we are, spiritual beings, having a human experience, you never really get there. And so, that's why loss has been a great teacher for me, particularly losing the thing that I thought defined who I was. And also, and there's a lot of research around this too, altruism and getting out of your own story. And I think, for me, speaking, writing, sharing my story, gave me the opportunity to hear other people's stories.

One of my favorite things when I give a presentation is I'm usually there for hours talking to people afterwards, as they share their story with me. And very early on, when I started speaking, I realized, as people shared their stories, "Well, wow, I'm not alone. I'm not the only one going through stuff." So it really got my story out of that "Why me" into the "Why not me?" I realized that we're all going through something, and there's a great healing that happens from sharing our stories, hearing other people's stories, and getting out of our own smaller story into a larger human story.




Warwick Fairfax:

And I feel like there's sort of almost drops of grace as people, I'm sure, many people have come up to you and said, "Janine, I didn't go through what you went through. I had a different crucible, but what you shared helped me, it gave me hope." Now, you're not doing this to get the thank yous or the drops of grace, but it's an inevitable byproduct that says, "Okay, I'm seeing a bit more of some grand plan or some more purpose." Does that make sense that, when people say "thank you," that, obviously, that's a gift, but it doesn't make everything go away? Clearly, there are certain things that will never go away, but there's a bit of element of healing. Do you find that, when people just show their gratitude to you?




Janine Shepherd:

Absolutely. When someone comes up and says "thank you" to me, I say "thank you" to them, because it's a circle. We're all giving and taking. And what I say is that I just carry a message when I'm on stage. I like to think that I'm holding up a mirror, so that people can see their own lives. And I think that's the thing about my storytelling or sharing on stage, which I tell a story, I weave a lot of interventions into that, that people can take away and use in their lives. But I think what I do is I get people to go, "Oh, yeah," and see a part of their life reflected in my story.

For example, looking at the chairs, "Where am I now?" And I guess there is that real sense of hope that comes from knowing that someone's been through something similar, and they've survived. So yeah, I think that we're all helping each other. There's that great sort of circle of influence that we're giving and taking and giving and taking. And that's what happens with storytelling. We are storytellers, all of us, from ancient times sitting around a fire and sharing our stories. That's how we learn, that's how we grow, that's how we get insight, and that's how we get healing.




Warwick Fairfax:

As I'm looking at some of the things in your Resilience Checklist, you've got the five principles, you were never alone. The universe always says yes. You are the producer, director, and actor in the story of your life. Choice is the most powerful tool you have. This too shall pass. And then, the 12 steps at the back, there's so much wisdom. Maybe this is an obvious question, but when you look back at what you went through, is it possible that Janine Shepherd would've had a fraction of this wisdom without that experience? It almost feels like you have Olympic level wisdom that came with an Olympic level crucible, if you will. Nobody wants to get wisdom that way, but it sure seems like... Is there any way that you could have had the depth of wisdom that you have now without what you went through? Hope there's a way to answer that question without seeming too arrogant. But I do believe you have wisdom. Let's just take it as written as the lawyers say, let's enter into evidence that Janine Shepherd has a lot of wisdom. Let's just make that assumption. You get the question.




Janine Shepherd:

Well, thank you. I appreciate it. I think we all have it. We all have an innate wisdom. It's just tapping into it. And I think that's what I work on every day is trying to understand the things in life that get in the way. It's like a dirty window. You just have to clean that window sometimes to see outside. And I think that we have so much stuff around us that gets in the way of really understanding who we are at the deepest level. And I'm a long-term meditator. To me, meditating changes our lives, because it gives us an opportunity to just quieten the mind and just to drop into something much, much deeper. And as long as we're scrolling on our phones and reading the news, it's just always about the outside. And to me, life is always about the inner journey.

And had I not had my accident, well, as I said, I can't even go there, because Gary, I was always going to have my accident. That was my destiny in this life. And it's a rich and meaningful life, and it is a blessing. And every single person that I've met along this way on this journey, that has shared my story, one thing I'll take from this is that everybody has something. Everybody has some crucible. And I know that, because I've stood and I've listened to so many stories. And I just think that's what connects us all.




Warwick Fairfax:

So I guess what I'm getting at is I'm not sure that you would've had the same level of wisdom that you do now without the accident. It's sort of like, it was sort of a catalyst, a turbocharge, maybe the wisdom was all there to be harnessed, but you still got to harness it. You still got to capture it, bring it in. You're like fishing. The fish are there. But I feel like maybe one of the greatest gifts about what you went through is the level of wisdom you have. It's hard... Obviously, there's no way of knowing what the alternative path would've been. You would've maybe different kind of wisdom. But one of the key gifts from my frame of reference in a crucible is the opportunity to have tremendous wisdom, tremendous learning that comes out of it. Does that kind of make some degree of sense?




Janine Shepherd:

Absolutely makes sense. And it's hard fought. You don't learn these things without having to go through the dark night of the soul. And I've been through many of those. I feel like my accident, which people know about, that was one thing. But I went through a marriage breakdown. I was a single mom for 10 years. I lost my home, moved to another country, with nothing behind me. I've had all these different sorts of challenges. And I think that's one thing about my story. And in my latest memoir, Defiant, I write about those different experiences. And in many ways, they were actually harder than my accident, because it involved more than just me.

Being a single mom to three kids, that was probably one of the most challenging experiences of my life. Feeling that my marriage had broken down, there was a sort of sense of guilt and failure around that. So all of these crucibles, these dark nights of the soul, nothing comes easily. And if it did, it wouldn't be worth having. If everything was just, "Hmm, okay, I've learned that," it just wouldn't have that same the potent sort of sense of meaning that it has when you've really experienced it and appreciated for what it is. All of those steps on the checklist, I look back on those, and I can see where they came from and how I learned those things and how I use them every day in my life.




Warwick Fairfax:

I feel like maybe the last word on this that occurs to me is coming back to that "choice" word, you made a choice in the phrases we used not to be defined by your worst day. You made a choice not to be defined by the crucible of the accident, of divorce, and being a single mom. Each one of those required choices. You made a choice. Not only would you not be defined by them, but you would seek to learn wisdom from them, seek to be grateful for them, and seek to see them as a gift. That all came with a choice. And after the choice came a lot of hard work.

But that, to me, is the key lesson point for listeners is we're, in some senses, sum of our choices, a choice to forgive, not necessarily condone, a choice to accept, a choice to see it as a gift, a choice to see that we're put on this earth for meaning and purpose, to serve others or serve some greater good, whatever that means for you. We're the sum of our choices, and that's kind of why you really teach, is make those choices. Take those 12 steps of acceptance, forgiveness, compassion, optimism, values, strengths, hope, meaning, humor, which I love, connection, mindfulness, gratitude. And so, you are really teaching people to make positive choices, to help use what they've been through to be grateful and to use it in service of others and a greater good. It's just really inspiring. So thank you for what you do. It's incredibly uplifting.




Janine Shepherd:

Well, I'm grateful to be given the opportunity. And it's funny, when you talk about choice, I don't know if you know the spiritual teacher, Carolyn Myss, and she talks about choice being our greatest power, because even whether you agree or not even greater than love, she said, because you've got to choose to love. So choice is very powerful. And for people out there that are struggling and feeling like they have no choice, that's also okay, because the world, the last few years, has been incredibly difficult and challenging. But even at my very lowest moments, I've always felt like I chose to come back to this body.

That was a choice. That was the ultimate choice. So I'm going to make it count. I'm going to find out why, and I'm going to create something of this life that, as difficult and challenging as it's been, it was a choice. And interestingly, I think, even though I remember clearly from my NDE, my near-death experience, and the choice to come back, we've all made that choice to be in this body. Warwick, you made the choice to be in this body you're in now. Gary, you've made the choice to be in the body you got now. So you just ask the question, "Okay, so now what?"




Gary Schneeberger:

What's great about that, you just built, Janine, a runway for me to ask this question. And it's appropriate that it's a runway, because...




Janine Shepherd:

I'm a pilot.




Gary Schneeberger:

There you go. So the part of the story that we've not gotten to, because this is so both inspirational and equipping, is, while you were in that bed, while you were in recovery, something happened, you saw something above you, and that changed the trajectory, one would say, could say, the flight path of your life. Talk about that a little bit.




Janine Shepherd:

Well, it did. That's when I decided, in a wheelchair, that, if I couldn't walk, I'd fly. And I was lifted up into an airplane, and everyone thought I was crazy. "Well, shouldn't be learning to walk?" And I went on and I became a pilot. I got my private license, my commercial license, which was crazy, because I'm actually a paraplegic, I'm a walking paraplegic. I became a flying instructor, an aerobatics flying instructor, commercial pilot. It was sort of crazy and unlikely. And flying is a great metaphor for life. My PhD title actually is, If I Can't Walk, I'll Fly. And obviously, it's physical, it's spiritual, it's metaphorical. For me, flight is the ultimate freedom. So it was perfect for me, because it's such a great spiritual metaphor about freedom. And flying really gave me my life back. Taught me a lot about, well, here I am, I'm a paraplegic, and I'm teaching people to fly upside down. I am not my body.

And I learned a lot about flying. One of the formulas that we teach people in flying, one of the first formulas, is attitude plus power equals performance. It's actually what flies an airplane from a 747 to a glider, it's a formula, mathematical formula, that doesn't fail. So I talk a lot about that in my presentations. I talk about attitude, because the attitude is with the picture of the airplane in relationship to the horizon. And I talk about our attitude, "What is our attitude to life?" Our attitude is, what I say, the story of me, built on beliefs and opinions and judgments that we've collected throughout our lives, that we don't realize how firmly we are stuck to those things, which are just things. It's not who we are. So once we get to the point where we can sort of unpack that suitcase and pull out those things and go, "Okay, well is this keeping me stuck? Is this helping or hindering me?"

And a lot of the time, when we are really struggling in life, we go back to our early childhood and our training, that has formed our attitude. And once we get to the point where we get to this sort of choiceless awareness, where we can observe things and look at things and look at them in a very objective way and be curious and go, "Hmm, where did that come from?" Then we can start to unpack it and create a new belief or a new mindset that serves us going forward, into a much healthier sense of who we are.




Gary Schneeberger:

That sounds you heard, listener, you've heard me say it before, but not many times with a pilot, and a pilot who flies upside down and teaches people how to fly upside down, that sounds you heard was the captain turning on the fasten seatbelt sign, indicating that we're about to descend the plane of this conversation. But we're not there yet. Before we do that, Janine, I have a couple things I want to do with you. One, who was the friend that gave you the new nickname?




Janine Shepherd:

Oh, my friend, Jim gave me the nickname, Janini Linguini.




Gary Schneeberger:

All right. With apologies to Jim, I thought of a new nickname as you were talking. Because Janine the Machine was the old nickname. Based on what you've talked about, to help you offer people to hope you offer people, I'm going to think of you as Janine the Canteen, offering a cup of cold water to people who need a sip after they slip. That's the way I'm going to think about Janine Shepherd from this moment on.




Janine Shepherd:

That's cool. Everything rhymes.




Gary Schneeberger:

Yeah, there you go. That's the old writer in me. Before we turn it back over to Warwick and the plane is on the ground, I would be remiss if I did not let you talk about where listeners can find out more about you and the services you offer, and especially this Resilience Checklist that Warwick's been talking about. In fact, what you're going to talk about, at your website, there's also a resilience quiz that you can take for free, which I did, and I was happy to find out I'm a Weeble when I took that quiz.




Janine Shepherd:

Oh, good.




Gary Schneeberger:

Yes. So where can people find out more about Janine Shepherd online?




Janine Shepherd:

Well, I love being a Weeble. My girlfriend told me "Weebles wobble, but they never fall down."




Gary Schneeberger:

Yeah, indeed.




Janine Shepherd:

So good for being a Weeble. Well, they can go to my website, janineshepherd.com. They can do the free resilience test. They can follow me on LinkedIn, on Instagram, Janine_Shepherd, I think it is on Instagram. Look, I don't do Twitter very much to be honest. But really, Instagram, LinkedIn, website. And I would say, go and look at my TED Talk. Just put in Janine Shepherd TED. And that'll give people a good idea of my story and what I do.




Gary Schneeberger:

And because my last name is Schneeberger, which no one can spell or pronounce, because Warwick has a name that has a silent W in the middle, how do they spell Shepherd? Because there are a couple ways. So when they're doing the search, how do they spell your last name?




Janine Shepherd:

That's a good question, because people always spell it incorrectly.




Gary Schneeberger:

That's right.




Janine Shepherd:

So Janine, J-A-N-I-N-E, and Shepherd is S-H-E-P-H-E-R-D. And Instagram is Janine_Shepherd, LinkedIn Janine Shepherd, Twitter Janine Shepherd, website. And stay tuned. We've got lots of exciting things happening. We are, at the moment, actually about to sign off on a screenplay for my latest book, Defiant. We have a wonderful female crew working on the screenplay, director, Claire McCarthy, who's one of the top female directors in the world. So stay tuned for the movie of Defiant. I'll let you guys know.




Gary Schneeberger:

Warwick, take it away.




Warwick Fairfax:

Well, thank you, Janine. I really appreciate you being here. Kind of one question that we often end on is, Beyond the Crucible, we have many listeners, and there could be some out there, who, today, might be their worst day, maybe some terrible crucible's happened to them and they're not seeing much hope. As one recent podcast guest said, "The bottom of the pit was so deep he couldn't see the bottom. There was an endless bottom that could only get worse, no light, just worse," which is an attitude, when he was at the bottom of the pit. So for those that may be today, may not be a great day, maybe their worst day, what's a word of hope you would offer somebody in that situation?




Janine Shepherd:

I know there's going to be a lot of people out there that are struggling right now, and what's really important is to be compassionate with yourself. When I have a bad day, and I still have bad days, I always have a little go-to list of things that I enjoy, that are a part of practicing self-compassion, whether it's being out in nature, listening to music, having a hot bath, being with friends, do those things. If you're having a bad day, do those things that nurture you, your sense of who you are. And of course, my go-to exercise, which is gratitude, and we know that it does change our brains. We also know, from neuroscience, that you don't actually have to find anything.

If you think, "Oh, there's nothing to be grateful for," just asking the question, "What am I grateful for?" starts the change. If you can do that for even every night or morning, get up in the morning and finish your day with "What am I grateful for?" And make it tangible. Think of the things, like, "Well, today, I called a friend and had a really good conversation. There was some agency in that, because I had to make that decision and that choice to pick up the phone." Write this down, write these things down, keep track of it, journal, keep your journal for 21 days, and then, just, at the end of that time, really check in and say, "Well, how am I now?" There's always something. I'm a firm belief that there are tools out there that we can use that can help us and give us hope, even on our darkest days.




Gary Schneeberger:

I have been in the communications business long enough to know when the last word on the subject's been spoken, and of course, Janine Shepherd's going to land the plane perfectly. She just did. So until the next time we're together, listeners, please remember this, you've heard it in this conversation, oh my goodness, we understand that your crucible experiences are tough. We understand how painful they are. But we also understand that, if you learn the lessons of them, if you realize, as Janine talked about, in a way that was revelatory to Warwick and me, if you think about them in a way that says, "This is how your life was meant to be. This is where your destiny was set," if you think about it that way, if you learn the lessons of the crucible, if you follow some of the things on Janine's Resilience Checklist, it's not the worst day of your life, your pit, you can come out of, and you can end up in the most rewarding spot in your life, where Janine's ended up, where Warwick's ended up. And that is a life of significance.

If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond the Crucible. Visit our website beyondthecrucible.com to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start? Our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible and to chart a course forward. See you next week.

A violent altercation in which her enraged husband choked her was the last straw for Victoria McCooey. It left her 6-year-old son, who was in the room at the time, thinking she had been killed. But it also started her down a path of self-discovery and self-care.

On this week’s episode, McCooey tells Warwick in detail the toll that being married to a narcissist had on her identity… as his controlling ways left her feeling unworthy and ashamed. But she also describes how she fought her way back to not only find her value, but to help other abused women find theirs — first through the same nonprofit that aided her and now as a narcissist divorce coach.

Highlights

Transcript

Warwick Fairfax:

Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible.




Victoria McCooey:

My husband comes down and wants to go get bagels. He's decided that's important he's going to get bagels. So he goes to get the key to the car and it's not there. So he knows immediately that I've taken it because he's done this to me so many times, and that this is the day. This is like the pimple popped this day. He ransacked the house. He'd done this before, thrown everything everywhere, dumped out my bag looking for the keys, stomped on my cellphone and broke it, took my wallet, breaking things in half. So at one point I go. He has my wallet. I go to grab my wallet back, and now we're in this tug of war with the wallet, and I came to my senses. It was like, "I'm engaging in this crazy lunatic's behavior."

So I let go, which caused him to fall back and I think ... I'm walking away. We were in the kitchen. I'm walking away. I think that just sent him over the edge that I had made him fall and he lost his temper and he came up from behind. I don't even see it happening because I'm walking away, and he grabbed me by the throat and pinned me up against the wall and I blacked out.




Gary Schneeberger:

That violent altercation was just one example, but the last example of the abuse our guest this week, Victoria McCooey, endured in her marriage to her first husband. It left her six-year-old son who was in the room at the time thinking she had been killed, but it also started her down a path of self-discovery and self-care.

Hi. I'm Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. On this week's episode, McCooey tells Warwick in detail the toll that being married to a narcissist had on her identity as his controlling ways left her feeling unworthy and ashamed, but she also describes how she fought her way back to not only find her value, but to help other abused women find theirs, first through the same nonprofit that aided her, and now as a narcissist divorce coach. She teaches her clients the Reclaim Your Power System she created first for herself to help them find the same freedom she's living today.




Warwick Fairfax:

Victoria, thank you so much for being on our podcast. I love what you do as a narcissist divorce coach and speaker. I love the program you have, Reclaim Your Power System. What a great name. We have all sorts of crucibles that we discuss with guests, but this whole being married to a narcissist, it seems like it's an epidemic. I can't tell you how many friends we have, women that my wife knows who've been married to narcissists. It's almost like it's this disease that's just spreading. It's just crazy. I've had personal experience in my family with people who've been married to narcissist and some personal experience at some level myself having experienced it from somebody else. So there's a lot of it out there, but before we get into what you do in your marriage, what was life like for you growing up? What was your family life pre-marriage, pre-trauma, pre-crucible?




Victoria McCooey:

People usually ask for that, but it's very telling because that was my normal. My parents had a very dysfunctional marriage. There was a lot of control and abusive behavior, and that was my comfort zone. They say you marry your father. I very much married my father.




Warwick Fairfax:

Talk a bit more about that because it just sounds so common, and it's got to be hard for people to understand. This is obviously very different, but it seems like kids that were abused growing up so often abuse their kids, and I can't at all understand that. You would think the last thing you would want to do is-




Victoria McCooey:

They would want to be the opposite.




Warwick Fairfax:

I don't pretend to understand. So just talk about a little bit more about-




Victoria McCooey:

Right. Well, it wasn't so much abuse of the children as abuse of the whole family dynamic. I'm old. I grew up in the '60s, so nobody knew about this. We certainly didn't talk about it. There was no social media or any mainstream information about this. People were private. You didn't talk about your dirty laundry. I had to assume because I didn't have anything to tell me otherwise that this is what everybody's family looked like. I had no idea that mine was so dysfunctional, but there was always yelling, screaming, throwing, not knowing if or when dad was coming home. Just so much dysfunction, so much chaos, so much anxiety.

This is really off the path, but I was diagnosed with a very rare cancer when I was 18 and it's gone. I'm fine. It was a tumor, it was removed. I was very, very lucky. It was a very rare type of thing, but I have to believe that it was the stress and the anxiety of living in that situation my entire life because our bodies aren't built to withstand that level of stress.

So as the oldest of two children, I was completely unwanted. My parents were forced to marry because that's what you ... Oh, my gosh. I've never said this on any podcast before. I hope my mother's not ever going to watch this because she's a very proper Southern woman, but she became pregnant when she was 20 years old and they got married and had a baby, and that was me. It was never what they wanted. My father was a child. He was still in college. I was a burden. I was unwanted. It caused so much ... They both thought their lives were ruined because of me. So this enormous amount of anxiety and stress of this child being burdened with feeling like they were never enough, never good enough, could never gain their approval, I honestly believe that that stress caused this crazy, unique cancer to form.




Warwick Fairfax:

That's about as awful experience as I can imagine to grow up as a child feeling like, "My parents don't want me. It wasn't an intentional relationship, it just happened, and I'm a burden, I'm in the way. Maybe I shouldn't exist," because how can you have any decent sense of self? It's going to destroy your self-esteem, your personhood. It almost feels like worse than cancer. What could be worse than cancer, but it feels cancer of a different kind, if you will.




Victoria McCooey:

I am not the only person to have this experience. How many people marry because of this circumstance, and especially way back then? So I'm not alone here. There are millions of me, people who never felt loved or welcomed in their household. So yeah, and these are the women like me that grow up with very low self-esteem. I had to figure out how to people please. It was very different from my two parents. For my father, it was to stay away from him. That was how I could exist with him. For my mother, she was so miserable. She was in this horrible marriage, forced into it, never wanted to be there. She was in her own hell. The way I got affection or attention from her was to entertain her. So I'm entertaining my mother, trying to make her laugh all the time so I get some approval and staying away from the other parent because that's how I could get approval from him.




Warwick Fairfax:

So talk about school, college. What did you enjoy doing? Did you enjoy academics, sports, the arts? What was it like for you?




Victoria McCooey:

I was an overachiever, and I talk about this freely because all of the people who are attracted to my business, to my coaching are just like me. So we are a very large niche. We are the people who end up in these relationships. As accomplished as I am, I was an overachiever, I made straight As, I got into the best college, I did everything right, but I think it was my coping mechanism. I needed to get away from my parents, so I retreated into my room and I studied just because there wasn't much else I could do without getting in the way.

That paid off for me in that I became highly educated. I moved away as soon as I could. I went away to college. Then I moved far away. I grew up in the south. I moved to New York for a job and stayed there. Ended up marrying there. So I was athletic, I was on sports teams. Whatever I pursued, I was very competitive. I had to be the best at it.




Warwick Fairfax:

So on the surface, you go to a good college, good job in New York, everything is going great. How did you meet your first husband? How did that all happen?




Victoria McCooey:

In an airport. It was a very chance meeting. We had nothing in common. There was no reason for us to have ever been in the same place at the same time. He was very charming and very handsome and very exciting. He swept me off my feet, wanted to do all kinds of amazing things. We skied, we traveled, we sailed. We had this big life. We did ... Things were very, very good for a long time, but the whole time I thought, "Oh, my gosh, he's going to figure out that I'm not good enough." So I was people pleasing throughout that entire phase.

There were signs. There were certainly red flags that I chose to ignore because I was so lucky, I thought, to be in this relationship, so I certainly am just going to look the other way, but looking back, the real change happened as soon as I had our first child. We were together. We dated for two or two and a half years, and then we got married and I got pregnant immediately, literally, honeymoon baby. So nine months later, we have our first child. That was when the mask fell. I'm guessing it was because I was in. There was no escaping. I was tied to him forever now.




Warwick Fairfax:

So up until you were pregnant, you said there might have been some little signs, but it sounds like he was a good-looking guy. He's probably accomplished, charismatic. Were you thinking, "Gosh, I'm pretty lucky. I got a good catch"?




Victoria McCooey:

I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world.




Warwick Fairfax:

That's amazing. So it didn't seem obvious. Sometimes, I don't know, it's a silly way to put it, but villains, if that's the right or wrong word, they don't always come in a black cape, "Hey, I'm a villain. Watch out." They can be very charming. It's not that obvious always, if you will.




Victoria McCooey:

Yeah, and I noticed, even back then I was noticing that my friends, people I would introduce him to, either loved him or hated him. There was no middle ground. If they bought into his narrative of who he was, then he charmed them, but if there was any doubt, if they were suspicious of him at all, he turned on them immediately and he was awful to them.




Warwick Fairfax:

That was one red flag when he is awful to some of your friends. It's like, "What's that about?" but did you not see the signs that was like, "I feel so bad about myself. I'm lucky to get anyone halfway decent," kind of thing?




Victoria McCooey:

Exactly. I really thought he was the best thing I could ever have hoped for, that that was way out of my pay grade, I really thought, and he perpetuated that like I was so lucky to have him narrative. I was just always walking on eggshells trying to be perfect, trying to do the right thing, trying to check all of his boxes, and I wanted so badly for him not to leave me. So yeah, I looked away, but that is a product of that low self-esteem and the lack of confidence and the lack of self-worth. I see this as a pattern across the board with all of the people I work with.




Warwick Fairfax:

It seems like you were almost reliving your childhood in a sense. You were thinking, "Mom, dad, I want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect person," make your mom laugh, entertain her, "How can I entertain boyfriend, fiance, husband?" as you moved on in the relationship because that's how you grew up with. So were just reliving the same cycle, if you will. Does that make sense?




Victoria McCooey:

You're right. Absolutely. Then when it became our marriage, it was, "Well, you need to do this. You need to do this. Well, in order to prove yourself to him, you need to do this," and the asks became larger and larger and more difficult and more illegal, and it went off the rails.




Warwick Fairfax:

A bit like that terrible aphorism, like a lobster boiling, it doesn't happen overnight. It's one step, one step, one step and, "I've got to please him because he might leave me and it's a miracle anybody would have me. He's good-looking. He's charming. Okay, he has his bad days, but I'm so fortunate to have him," and the self delusion cycle just keeps going because when humans are broken and damaged as we all are to a degree, it just stops a smart person thinking straight, if that makes sense.




Victoria McCooey:

You're so good. This is the quickest anyone has gotten to the root of this.




Warwick Fairfax:

Wow. Yeah, as we said off air, I grew up ... As listeners know very well, I grew up in a very wealthy family business in Australia, and power and money produce a lot of dysfunction. So I've had family members in relationship with narcissists. I've had some degree of, a lot, I guess, of personal experience myself. I guess because I have some experience with ... I'm no expert, but I have some personal knowledge, put it that way, maybe that's why. Sorry.




Victoria McCooey:

It does. It's a textbook. It makes perfect sense. You can totally ... I really feel vindicated when you said about the lobster. That is exactly what it's like. Back then, I was so ashamed of where it had gotten to that I was too embarrassed to confide in anyone. It's like, "How could someone as smart as I am allow myself to get into this situation?"




Warwick Fairfax:

Well, it's as simple as saying you were hurt and damaged as a child and that's why. It's that simple. It's not your fault. You put anybody in your situation, 99% of people are going to really struggle. It's just it's not your fault. Does that make sense?




Victoria McCooey:

It does to me now, but when you don't see it, when you're in it in the forest, you can't see the trees, right? It was just humiliating. I remember being at ... This is when I'm going to cry, being at a parade at this local little town we lived in, and my college roommate was there. She didn't live there. I guess she was visiting. It was like a resort town. I saw her in the crowd far away, and I went the other way. I went away from her. I haven't seen her in 10 years because I was too ashamed.




Gary Schneeberger:

I'll jump in at this point and say I'm part of the team too. I know people who I'm close to who have experienced some of the things that you coach about, Victoria. One of the things that I've heard from some of them is on that point that you mentioned of people close to you, the narcissist doesn't interact well with them. They then come to the woman share some things about that trying to defend their loved one, and that is not usually met with acceptance. That's not usually met with ... It doesn't necessarily cause problems in the relationship per se or really bombastic ones.

I remember one woman I'm close to saying that at some point her mom kept coming to her and saying, "This isn't right. That's not right. You shouldn't put up with that. You shouldn't have to put up with that." Eventually, her mother met with her rebuffs just finally said, "Okay. I'm done talking," not in an angry way but, "I'm going to let you be." Is that a common experience? I would think it is.




Victoria McCooey:

Yes, it absolutely is, but more importantly, I think, is that it's really hard for the victim here to verbalize what it is that's happening because it happened insidiously over so much time. There wasn't a day when it just started. It just snowballed in such a slow way that you can't really put your finger on what the problem is.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right, and that's the insidiousness of it going back to the lobster in the pot, right? If you ask the lobster in the pot on Tuesday, "Are you hot? Are you being boiled?" he's going to go, "No. I don't even know that it's hot in here," but over the course-




Victoria McCooey:

"No, it feels warm and comfortable."




Gary Schneeberger:

Right. Exactly. Exactly, but wait two years, three years, four years, the lobster's going to have a different point of view as you indeed had a different point of view and your clients do as well.




Victoria McCooey:

I think the great thing is that because I lived this, I didn't study it, I lived it, I lived it, then I studied it, and then I understood the dynamics of it. Now, I have a unique position to help people who don't see just like I didn't see where they are and what's going on.




Warwick Fairfax:

So I want to get to that, but just so that listeners get, I guess, the full lock of the story. So-




Victoria McCooey:

You're going to make me do this more?




Warwick Fairfax:

I'm sorry, but it'll help the listener, I think, understand, I'm afraid, what's going on and then how you cope with that. So it felt like pretty good in a sense. He was charming, handsome, there were red flags, then you became pregnant. So what happened in the months and years after that when those warning signs became not in the peripheral vision, it was front and center?




Victoria McCooey:

So he became very, very cautious about who saw what was going on inside our house. So now, I wasn't allowed ... Over time, it became not allowed to have anyone over, not to allow anyone in. The requests were always about money. So I continued to have babies. I had a plan. I wanted lots and lots of kids, which I do. I had three children in three and a half years. So boom, boom, boom. I thought I was old. Of course now, I know it wasn't, but when we got married, I was 30. So I was like, "I got to get going." So boom, boom, boom, three babies. I was in a fog. I had worked at that point as a freelance writer. So if I didn't work, I didn't make money. There was no maternity leave. I was working for myself.

So when I wasn't able to work during the child birthing part, I didn't have income, but I would take projects in between as I could, but certainly, my income drastically reduced, but it was never a problem because I was led to belief that he made lots of money and there was never a money problem.

Without getting into too much detail, he owned real estate, he owned properties. So he collected rent from these properties. It was all very gray, not transparent, didn't really let me into what was going on. So while I wasn't earning, he paid everything, controlled all the money, and if I had a small project, it was like a drop in the bucket compared to what he was paying for. So he would say, "Oh, let me have that." I'll just put it toward happily. I'm not really contributing much.

Once that happened when all of my paychecks went directly to him, I could never undo that again. That set the precedent. So now, I was expected to always give him my paychecks, which continued because his reasoning was, "I'm handling everything. I'm juggling things. Only one person can be in charge here. I just need you to let me figure out what to do with the money."

Then it became his business upside down. It was a family business, a lot of family discord, all kinds of commotion. His buildings going into receivership, so he wasn't collecting rents. It was like a whole catastrophe. So what I noticed now is whenever I would push back, there would be a drama.

So I don't know how much of it is true, but whenever I would say, "Well, I'm earning money. I want to ..." Oh, but now there's drama. Now, something would erupt. That's when he started pressuring me to sign for lines of credit or loans and I would say, "I can't afford this," and he would say, "Well, this is what the family needs you to do because my credit is bad and yours is perfect. So this is what the family needs. You're not working. This is what you owe us, owe the family to do this. You don't understand. I owe millions of dollars in real estate. This is a drop in the bucket."

Then if I pushed back harder, it was, "You're stupid. You don't understand business. You're not a risk-taker. You'll never be successful. You're just a pawn. You're just someone who works for someone else. You're a nerd. You're too scared of everything," whatever he could think of. So of course, I would end up doing it, and then the next one would come and I would try harder not to do it. The more I pushed back, the worse the abuse became.




Warwick Fairfax:

It sounds like there was emotional abuse I'm assuming beyond just finances, just in general. Maybe you make the dinner, quote, unquote, "wrong" or you came home five minutes late or silly, stupid stuff. I'm guessing he'd erupt about that. Was he physically abusive too? How bad did all this stuff get?




Victoria McCooey:

He was never physically abusive until the very end, and that was when that was the line, and that was when I left.




Warwick Fairfax:

So what happened?




Victoria McCooey:

So this is a long story. I'm glad we don't have that ... I'm going to try to make it short.




Warwick Fairfax:

Sure.




Victoria McCooey:

This went on now for, I don't know, six, seven years of that financial abuse mostly, and honestly, the other abuses weren't as prevalent. Yes, name calling, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, but he didn't nitpick on things like that. I see a lot of my clients suffering from ... It wasn't that ... Yes, "Oh, you're fat," or, "You look fat in that," or physical things like that, but otherwise, nothing like some of my clients who are really struggling have.

It started when I ... The debt, the debt was so big. The debt became bigger and bigger. I could never pay this off. It just was so astronomical. Then I found out that we owed a lot of back taxes for years because his business was very difficult to account, do accounting for. It was buildings and depreciation and amortization and all these properties. He had an accountant that he had always worked with that I never met. All I was was I got some 1099s. I was all so transparent. I would just get my little receipts together, add my 1099s and go here and he would take it to the accountant and then the taxes would come back this thick and he goes, "Sign here," and I would sign because I can't figure out what is going on with his buildings.

So every year, that would happen, and it turns out those taxes were never filed. So there was no way for me to know. I didn't know. They weren't being filed. So we owed hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes. I had no idea. I'm on the hook for it as much as he is. I didn't file. The straw that broke the camel's back though was, like I said, we had three little children, all boys. I filed a claim for one of my kids, whatever happened, doctors, whatever, and it came back and they said, "Oh, you no longer have this insurance. This policy hasn't been in effect for six months." I was like, "What are you talking about?"

So this was a health insurance policy that I had had from a previous job and I was grandfathered into this very sweet deal. They didn't offer it anymore. They had been very clear that if I canceled it, I could never have it back. So the payments came monthly automatically out of an account, his account that I never saw. When I confronted him, he said, "Oh, I needed the money for something else."

I'm like, "There's nothing else that's more important than this," and he's like, "Oh, you're a nerd. You don't understand. This is for losers."

I said, "What if something happened?" and you know I had that cancer, and I was like, "I'm the poster child for you never know what could happen. If my parents hadn't had health insurance, I would be dead. So this is non-negotiable to me."

He said, "If something happened, I would just sell a building." That was always his answer, "I would just sell a building."

So I said, "I'm not taking no for an answer. We're getting health insurance."

So he said, "Well, you figure out how to get it and then let me know how much it is."

So I do all the research. I figure out I have to join an association and pay for the dues and then I can ... All this stuff. So I come to him with all of the information for the best case scenario. It's going to be way more than we were paying and not as good coverage and everything, but this is the best I can do.

He goes, "Okay. We can do that."

I'm like, "Great. So give me the money so I can pay these things."

"Well," he goes, "I can't do it this month, but ask me again next month."

So I go, "Okay." So I come back the next month, "Can't do it this month, maybe the next month." So I go, "Okay. He's never going to give me the money to pay for the insurance."

Also, if I went to the grocery store ... I'm earning six figures. I'm working from home, taking care of three kids and earning a decent amount of money and I don't have any access to any of it. So if I want to go to the grocery store, I have to make a list of what I'm going to buy, tell him exactly how much each item costs, and then he'll go through it and he'll decide, he'll veto things he doesn't think we need, and then he'll give me that exact amount, and I go to the store with three kids in tow because he was never available for what he called babysitting. They were his kids too.

So I'm at the store with all the kids, they're throwing everything into the bag and having to take it out. Now I see something that wasn't on the list that I really need that I forgot about. So now I have to recalculate what can I get rid of because I don't have a credit card, I don't have a check. I have nothing else except the exact amount he's given me. So the stress of going grocery shopping, right?

We live in this small, tiny little resort town. I know everybody in the store. I get to the counter, I'm shaking because I'm scared I added wrong in my head while I'm wrangling three little boys and I'm going to have gone over and I'm going to be humiliated. This was my ... Now I know he had to do that to me to keep me so off balance that I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't figure out the finances. I couldn't figure out what was going on with his business. I couldn't leave. I was just trying to get through the day.




Warwick Fairfax:

This all culminated in a physical incident that caused you to say, "Enough."




Victoria McCooey:

So I decide I've got to figure this out because this isn't working. I'm going to have to steal my money from him. I actually went to a therapist. Well, I went to a doctor who told me that ... I had headaches, I had backaches. It manifests in all these ways. He said, "I think you need to see a therapist, so you need an antidepressant, but I can't give it to you unless you do it with this therapist that we work with." So I start going to this therapist too, I don't think really helped me, but at least the doctor was able to prescribe this antidepressant for this little period of time I'm going through.

So I get a little bit more clearheaded from that, and I decide that I'm going to steal the next check that comes. It was sizeable. I remember it was 6,000 something dollars. That was a lot of money, and I could get the health insurance with that. I could do everything with that, and he knew it was coming. So I had to tell him that the project had been postponed because he knew exactly when my money was coming. So I had to lie, which I'm not good at.

Then I had to live this double life and go ... This is another funny story. Go to the post office box to get the mail every day before he could to see if it had come. The reason we had to use a post office box was because he took the numbers off of our house and remove the mailbox because that way, the process servers had a harder time finding him. All day, every day there were process servers. We couldn't answer the door. We couldn't answer the phone. He was running from everyone. If you did answer the door, we had to lie and say he wasn't there. The stress of all this is crazy.

I get the check. I'm shaking like a leaf, but it's my money. I'm shaking like a leaf because I'm stealing it. I go and I deposit it into another account at a new bank he doesn't know about. Now, these are the olden days. I had to wait for it to clear. What I don't know because I had no idea, and this is how I can help my clients now, you just don't think about these things, but I gave them my address and they sent a letter saying, "Oh, here's the schedule of when your funds will be available," and he gets this. I was so close, so close.

He goes into a rage, ransacks the house, tells me, "You want control of the money? Here, you take all the bills," and he starts throwing all these things at me. "I'm never giving you another penny. I'm never ..." Just the drama, drama, drama, drama. So I try to stay calm. I go the distance. Well, the check clears, but then the money in the account is frozen because he's taken out a cellphone in my name that I don't even know about and not paid it. So there's a lien against my Social Security number that I don't even know that this is happening, and he's telling it's my fault because I'm so stupid, "See, you lost all that money because you're so stupid."

So that was pretty much ... This is all coming to a head. Then this one night, I was coming back ... I used to have to travel into New York City on occasion once or twice a week, sometimes not at all for meetings or whatever. So I'm coming back and it was late. He wouldn't pick me up from the train. I was being punished. I had to walk home. It was raining. I didn't have an umbrella. Such a sob story. That night I'm like, "I'm never doing this again. I'm never doing this again." The car, the one car that we had because the second one had been repossessed, which is another story that he sent me out of the middle of the night to deal with the repo man, the car that we did have was in my name, I paid the bills, I paid for the gas, I paid for everything, and I wasn't allowed to use it though. He used it. If I needed to go somewhere, I had to use a taxi, borrow a car, use a bike, get the kids around another way.

So I said, "I'm never doing that again. I am taking the key." There was only one key. So I hid the key and he had hidden keys for me many, many times before, but that night, I hid the key and I'm like, "I'm using my car tomorrow. That's it. I'm drawing the line." So he gets up in the morning. I'm sitting there. It's 8:00 in the morning. I'm doing homework with my littlest one because, of course, I was working the night before and didn't get home until after bedtime and nothing had gotten done. So I'm trying to help him.

My husband comes down and wants to go get bagels. He's decided that's important he's going to get bagels. So he goes to get the key to the car and it's not there. So he knows immediately that I've taken it because he's done this to me so many times, and that this is the day. This is like the pimple popped this day. He ransacked the house. He'd done this before, thrown everything everywhere, dumped out my bag looking for the keys, stomped on my cellphone and broke it, took my wallet, breaking things in half.

So at one point I go, he has my wallet, I go to grab my wallet back, and now we're in this tug of war with the wallet and I came to my senses. It was like, "I'm engaging in this crazy lunatic's behavior." So I let go, which caused him to fall back, and I'm walking away. We were in the kitchen. I'm walking away. I think that just sent him over the edge that I had made him fall and he lost his temper and he came up from behind. I don't even see it happening because I'm walking away. He grabbed me by the throat and pinned me up against a wall, and I blacked out.

Our youngest son was standing right there. He was six at the time. He thought I was dead. I think my husband thought I was dead too for a second. When I came to, we were just eye-to-eye because he let go, and I came to first just face to face like that, and I just calmly walked to the phone and I started dialing for the police. He started crying and the tears. He's like, "Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't call," and he said, "You'll ruin everything," I'll ruin everything."




Warwick Fairfax:

You're probably thinking, "Everything's ruined already. What are you talking about?"




Victoria McCooey:

He can't take any responsibility, no accountability, I was about to ruin everything because I was calling the police.




Warwick Fairfax:

So that was the day that your life changed. So talk about how you were able to move on from that and care for other women because it felt like you were in this, I don't know what, poisonous soup or whatever, this prison with barbwire and guards and couldn't get out, and somehow maybe you dug a tunnel, somehow you got out, somehow you escaped.




Victoria McCooey:

It was so hard. You have that Stockholm syndrome thing. You feel responsible for the abuser and you feel guilty. I went through all of that that people go through. So many times I almost backed down, but thank goodness at that point by then I told my mother what was going on and she was very supportive. She came right away and stayed with me. I was able to get a restraining order while he was ... This is another typical, really highlights where his mind was ... When the police came, I didn't know, but they saw the hand print around my throat. So when they walked in, they were like, "What's going on?" The first thing out of his mouth was, "My wife is crazy. She's on medication."

So they separate us and I can see that he's being asked what happened. I guess they told him they saw the hand print and he said, "Yeah, well, I was pushing her because she was attacking me." He went to reenact it on the policeman and he put his hand on the policeman's throat and then he reached for his gun and he said, "Don't ever touch a police officer," and then he said again, "I'm just trying to show you what I did," and he did it again. They just put handcuffs on him and took him at that point.

So the one who was with me said, "You need to go right away and get a restraining order because they're going to let him right out because it's a first offense and he'll come right back here and he'll kill you. So go get your kids in school and then go get a restraining order." I remember even at that point I said, "I can't." They wanted me to sign the police report. I said, "I can't sign it. He'll kill me. He'll kill me if I do that." So it didn't matter. They had to make the arrest because they saw the evidence of domestic violence.

So he was arrested, but during his arraignment, the district attorney said, "How much money can he get his hands on?" I was like, "None. None," and they were like, "Okay." So they asked for a bail to be sent at $5,000, and he was so arrogant and unhinged to the judge. The judge raised his bail to 50,000.




Warwick Fairfax:

That's pretty stupid, I got to say.




Victoria McCooey:

Yeah. So I have such a debt of gratitude to this agency called the Coalition Against Domestic Violence here in New York. It's all over the country. It's called different things though, but here it's called the Coalition Against Domestic Violence. So when I went to that court house in that small town, they had an outpost there, and as soon as I said I wanted to get a restraining order against my husband, they were called up, they came swooping in and they guided me through the whole process. They told me things like, "You have to go get temporary custody of your children because as soon as he gets out, he's going to try to take them," all these, which is what I do now. I'm doing what they did for me for my clients, but they were so helpful.

So they guided me through the process. It was very long and very hard. Divorce is hard, but divorcing a narcissist is in a category all by itself. It was a long time ago so laws were different. People didn't know about this as much. He was able to manipulate the system so much more than somebody could do now, but it was a long hard battle. Our divorce wasn't final for six years.




Warwick Fairfax:

It took six years from that night when he could have killed you till the divorce.




Victoria McCooey:

I almost lost custody. I almost lost custody of my children.




Warwick Fairfax:

Because he was-




Victoria McCooey:

Because they said, "They're boys and they need their father."




Warwick Fairfax:

Well, not this kind of father. What kind of role model is this for ... The last role model you need for your boys.




Victoria McCooey:

Right, but on the outside, the community loved him. He was the soccer coach and the lacrosse coach and he did all this wonderful stuff, but it was all for his ego. He was like the athlete and everyone thought he was so terrific. So he was able to convince them that I was crazy, I was the problem, I was unhinged. At that point in my life, I had been compromised, and this is horrible. Part of this is that these women, typically women, are abused and they're compromised and they're at their lowest point and they are not presenting in a good way because they haven't had a chance to heal. This is when they have to persuade a court that they're the better parent.




Warwick Fairfax:

Right, and they don't have that capacity at that point. So how did you find a way to heal and use that to heal others because you had a lifetime of, well, in some ways abuse of damaged self-esteem? It's like, how do you grow a rainforest in a desert? It feels like impossible. It feels like it'll take hundreds of years of a positive climate change if that's possible. It felt like almost climbing Mount Everest to have a sense of self-esteem. If you don't have any sense of self-esteem yourself, how in the world can you have enough capacity to help anybody else? It's like when you're in a plane, you got to breathe oxygen before you can stick it on your kids. So how did you manage to come back and have enough self-esteem to care for others?




Victoria McCooey:

It took a really long time for me to heal because I didn't know about the resources. It was a different time. Things weren't available like they are today. I was just still trying to get through the day, struggling to raise these three kids with a person who's not co-parenting but counter-parenting, trying to sabotage everything I tried to do. The divorce took six years, but we were still in and out of court for another nine years after that because he was trying to change the child support commitment constantly or change custody constantly or I was having to go chase him down for child support constantly. So we were always in court. I was in court for 15 or 16 years nonstop. So I couldn't heal until really that was over.

Then I went on a journey, and then I really just decided that I wanted to do all the things that I had never had a chance to do before. My children were in a good place. He was out of our lives. I was remarried. I had a wonderful new husband and stepdaughters and everything was falling into place. I just started consuming so much information about transformation, about healing, about spiritual journeys.

I did it all. I did everything. I had a job at that point where I was commuting in and out of the city. So at one point, I actually moved out of our bedroom, my new husband's and my bedroom because I was up all night. I was listening to things, I was writing journals, I was reading, and I didn't want to keep him up anymore. So for two or three months, I just did anything I could get my hands on until I found the things that really worked. I crafted this process for me. It wasn't to start a business, it was doing it for me. I had this huge metamorphosis. I became a stronger, wiser, more capable, confident person. It didn't happen overnight. It took a long time.

That was when I started doing work for the Coalition Against Domestic Violence. So I wanted to give back. So I had been talking on stages for them, telling my story, showing teacher groups or PTA meet groups or whatever I was a victim of domestic violence, "It's not always who you think it's going to be. It could be anybody here," to open their minds to that, and that was great, but I told them I really want to be in the trenches. I want to help victims.

So there was this program where they trained people who had a social work background to go to the hospital when somebody presented with a domestic violence incident, and I begged them to let me do it and they said I didn't have the background, I would have to go get all this certification. So finally, I bugged them enough they let me do it for years. I bugged them. So I finally was able to go into this training and it was a year long training. So this was during my whole new transformational period.

I was allowed to finally go to the hospital to coach victims who presented from a domestic violence incident and help open their minds to how they might be able to leave or that they might not want to stay. Some of them didn't think they could leave. Most of them don't think they can leave. So telling them about resources available, but also changing their mindset.




Gary Schneeberger:

You have described in this conversation what it felt like, in arduous detail sometimes, what it felt like to be manipulated, controlled, the toll that took on you both as you were growing up and in your marriage. You've pivoted now. You've transformed to use your word where you are helping people who have experienced the same thing. We have heard you talk about what it felt like to be on the other side of that transformation. Talk a little bit about when you got that chance, when you counseled your first woman, when she got it, when she realized she could leave, she could survive if she did. How did that transform your heart? How did that feel when you received that gift?




Victoria McCooey:

The first time that happened and the first few times was in the hospital when I was doing this volunteer work, where I had people often see a light bulb go off in them, that there's somebody who understands. It's so specific, this abuse, and so insidious, like we said, that you can't really describe it. So for them to be able to hear from a person in the hospital that, "I know. I was on the receiving end of that. I get it. I know how you got here. I know what that feels like. I know you're ashamed and you don't need to be. It's not your fault," so the connection I was able to make was everything. It wasn't just some nurse or some person who didn't really ... I was a victim too, and they could really open up to me and talk to me and relax about telling me these specific things. They didn't feel judged. They didn't feel ashamed. I was able to be totally vulnerable, which feels good when you're opening yourself up so somebody else can heal.




Warwick Fairfax:

So as you were helping that first woman and women afterwards, did you feel that there was almost drops of healing in you that as you use your pain to help others? I sometimes use the phrase drops of grace. Did you feel that didn't make all the pain disappear, but it felt a little better that day?




Victoria McCooey:

Absolutely because when I start telling them what happened to me, they were like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that happened to you." I'm like, "I'm not." I'm not sorry at all because look at the gift it gave me. It gave me a purpose. It gave me a reason to be here. It gave me the ability to help on a level that almost nobody else can. How awesome for me? So during this, I would say year long process of me just holding up in that office sleeping, well, not sleeping, being up all night going to work every day, I was like, "Okay." I was on call because you could be on call whenever. I was on call all weekend, every weekend and some nights during the week even. So I'm in the hospital or reading or doing whatever nonstop and I'm going to this job that is not lighting me up anymore, my writing job. This is not for me anymore. So I had to figure out how to pivot, how to make a career out of doing what I was passionate about.




Warwick Fairfax:

That's what you're doing now with your coaching and Reclaim Your Power System. As the years have gone by, do you feel like you've been able to, I don't want to say rebuild your self-esteem because you probably never had it, it was eradicated from birth pretty much. There was no foundation, but do you feel like you've come to a point where you can say, "I am worthy. I'm not perfect because none of us are perfect. We have our flaws, but from my spiritual power, I believe everybody's a child of God and is worth loving depending on your religious and spiritual paradigm"? I think most would agree with that concept. Have you got to the point where you can say, "Vic McCooey is worthy, not perfect, but is worthy. I deserve to be loved and I'm a worthwhile human being"? Have you got to that point would you say?




Victoria McCooey:

If you ask my family, they will tell you I've gone to the other extreme. Yes, and it feels great. I have great boundaries in place, maybe sometimes to a fault, but the pendulum goes all the way to the other side before you can figure out where the middle is. I'm very confident. Even my husband, my new husband was one of the first to notice. He's like, "You're like a different person."

When I came out of that year long experience, he's like, "You hold yourself taller, straighter. You've always got this smile on your face. You're happy to be alive." Just like I came out of my shell. I just was able to feel really, really good that I was really contributing in such a worthwhile way. I felt so good about myself and I still do, and I'm not sorry about what happened in the least because I really see it as a gift.




Warwick Fairfax:

It's almost like who you were designed to be came out. I don't believe there's some grand plan that we should all suffer. One can debate about good versus evil and spiritual warfare and a lot of religions do, but you became the person you were always designed to be, which I think is a wonderful thing.




Victoria McCooey:

What a fun experience, this journey. I found the person ... Some people never find out who they're supposed to be. So I'm so thankful that I got here. However it took to get here, I got here and lucky me.




Warwick Fairfax:

Let me ask you one maybe final question. With your three boys, I'm guessing your husband may have grown up in some abusive background and maybe it went on the generations beforehand. We don't need to get into the details, but with your boys, you have a chance to change history, and I'm sure you think about that. "I want to raise my boys to be good husbands, partners, to be different," has to be on your mind. Do you feel like you're in a position where that cycle can be broken?




Victoria McCooey:

Absolutely. They're adults now. None of them are married yet, but they have had serious relationships, and yes, I'm very proud of the difference that this generation has made.




Warwick Fairfax:

That means a lot. I know, obviously, we grow extremely differently, but growing up in a very wealthy family business, power and money causes lots of dysfunctions, "Am I worth something or is it just the money and the dynasty and all that?" My kids are all adults too, 31 into 20s, and they're all hardworking, humble, contributors, have a faith, and they're not damaged by the whole money and various other things that I grew up with. They have no idea how blessed they are to have a mother like they have. She's not a saint, but close. She's so giving and kind. I won the lottery. They won the lottery having a mother like that. So I feel like in some cycles of dysfunction have been broken and they're not perfect, but I just take immense pleasure out of generations of dysfunction has been broken in a sense, and you've got to feel some of that with your boys. So anyway, that probably makes some degree of sense, I guess.




Victoria McCooey:

I am so blessed and now I have two daughters. So we're like a Brady Bunch family. So I got all those kids I always wanted.




Gary Schneeberger:

This is the time in the show where I customarily say something about the captain turning on the fasten seatbelt. I'm not going to say that this time. Here's why. About 40 minutes ago in this conversation, Victoria, you mentioned that you met your first husband, the narcissist, in an airport. I'm going to avoid the entire area of air travel-




Warwick Fairfax:

There you go.




Gary Schneeberger:

... out of respect for you and your truly moving story. We're just going to say we're getting to the point where we're going to wrap up this episode. Before we do that though, I would be extraordinarily remiss if I did not give you the opportunity to tell listeners who've heard you unpack this very moving and meaningful story, if I didn't give you the chance to tell them where they can find you online and how they can engage your services if they do indeed need to. How can they do that?




Victoria McCooey:

Yes, victoriamccooey.com is my website, and on that website, you can book a strategy session with me. There's also a free gift. So right on the homepage, you'll see, you can read a little bit about me, you can relive a little bit of that story. You can also download a free gift, a PDF about five things every woman needs to know in divorcing a narcissist. So if you're interested in working with me, I have several different coaching programs depending on what your needs are. So the only way really to figure out what is best for you and how we should work together is to book an initial strategy session with me. So this is a call where I will coach you on the call, but also, we'll figure out if we're a good fit and where in my programs you would fit best.




Gary Schneeberger:

Warwick, as always, the founder of this whole thing, you get the last question or two or however many you want.




Warwick Fairfax:

So Victoria, thank you again. It's an honor to hear your story. The question, believe it or not, we do often ask at the end is going to sound, unfortunately, too familiar with what you do, but there could well be people, there could well be women who today may feel like their worst day. They may feel like they're in the bottom of the pit, that there is no hope, they're worth nothing, it's all their fault, all of the crazy paradigms that you are all too familiar with. What would a word of hope be for a woman that's in that position today may feel about as bad as any day they can remember? What would a word of hope be for that woman?




Victoria McCooey:

This is a tough one. The trick is to, of course, reclaim your power, build back your self-esteem, but it's easier said than done. When you are in that place where the abuse is just coming at you and you're at your lowest point like that, it's about getting in your head, about putting up a shield even if you can imagine that there's a shield around you where it's really hard to heal when you're under attack. So if you can find a way to shut that out even temporarily so that you can start this healing process.

Yes, everybody gets very caught up in going into these Facebook groups or chats or about the abuse and the narcissism. That is going to validate you that, yes, that's a thing, but it's not going to heal you. Start consuming more positive content. Start consuming more positive, inspirational, aspirational things, motivational messaging so that you get the willpower and the ambition and the hope that you can get through this. So I think that's the biggest message I would have, to get out of the negative messaging and into more positive messaging.




Gary Schneeberger:

I've been in the communications business long enough to know when the last word on an important subject has been spoken, and that last word was just spoken by our guest, Victoria McCooey.

Thank you, listener, for spending this time with us, and remember, we understand, you heard Warwick talk a little bit about his crucible, you heard Victoria really unpack her crucible and how she moved beyond it, we know it's tough, but we also know the truth that Victoria talked about. She's the third guest in a row who's used this word gift to talk about the most trying times she went through. If she can do that, if Warwick can do that, if other guests can do that, you can do that too because what happens is as you learn the lessons of your crucible and you apply them and you walk forward in them, the destination that it leads you to is the most rewarding of your life because that destination is a life of significance.

If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond the Crucible. Visit our website, beyondthecrucible.com, to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start, our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible and to chart a course forward. See you next week.

Dr. Erica Harris endured a cavalcade of crucibles – starting with being diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and given just two months to live after her body did not respond to chemotherapy treatments. But then, miraculously she believes, she went into remission in time to receive a bone-marrow transplant that put her on the road to recovery… only to find herself in the direst of straits again when her new immune system rejected her lungs and her life was hanging by a thread of hope.

Highlights

Transcript

Warwick Fairfax:

Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible.




Dr. Erica Harris:

There was a sense of urgency with the caller on the other end of the line, and it said, "Is this Erica Harris? Is this Erica Harris? You need to go to the nearest emergency room and avoid all public places." And I literally stood dumbfounded saying, "No, no, no. You've got the wrong person. I'm the poster child for health and wellness, and I literally just left your lab like 15 minutes ago. There's no way that those could be my results. You must have had me confused with somebody else," like literally dumbfounded. But devastatingly, those results were accurate. And soon after, I was told I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.




Gary Schneeberger:

And that was just the start of a cavalcade of crucibles for Dr. Erica Harris, who was given just two months to live after her body did not respond to chemotherapy treatments. But then miraculously, she believes, she went into remission in time to receive a bone marrow transplant that put her on the road to recovery only to find herself in the direst of straits again when her new immune system rejected her lungs and her life was hanging by a thread of hope.

Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, cohost of the show. In this week's episode, Harris explains every harrowing detail of her years-long up-and-down medical crises, finally set at a more stable path when she received a double-lung transplant. Along that journey, she tells Warwick, she learned the important difference between toxic positivity and genuine positivity, and discovered that the key to her recovery to turning her tragedies into triumphs was a mindset shift.

"I have lived a million more lifetimes than I could have if I never had cancer," she says today. And now she shares the lessons her journey taught her as a speaker and coach who encourages others through her true wellness platform, Rise Today.




Warwick Fairfax:

Well, Erica, thanks so much for being on our podcast. And just as I'm looking at some of the material that you've written about, your story is so inspiring, not just what happened, but what you took out of it and how you've risen again. I love the website and just your mission, Rise Today. It's so impactful. And for people who are watching this on YouTube, I love the background that you have, the pink daisies and the mural, and that is just so fun and hopeful and clearly intentional. It's a wonderful background you have.

So, obviously, we'll get to the crucible moment and moments. There was more than one, sadly. But you grew up from Vancouver, Canada, which is, you're talking off-air, is a magnificent part of the world, with Whistler where we've been skiing, and just it's so beautiful in British Columbia. But just tell us a bit about your background growing up and what was a young Erica like and what do you love to do, sort of hopes, dreams. Yeah. Yeah. Just tell us about... I don't know if it's okay to say who you were or who you were growing up and the before.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Yeah. I'll clarify a little bit. I do live in Vancouver now. I've lived here really for most of my adult life. I came out here to do my undergrad degree in exercise science. But rewind, as a small town girl, I grew up in Northern Ontario in a city called Sault Ste. Marie. And as they say, you can take the girl out of the Sault, but you cannot take the Sault out of the girl. And I am still so rooted in that little community, which is halfway across Canada from here.

I still have the same best friend that I've had for 35 years. We talk four times a day still today, I kid you not. And I love to take my kids home to the lake. It's where I get rooted and it's where I elevate myself again and find me, reconnect with myself. And I've just got such a community of support there, being a small town, and I really love going home sweet home. But yeah, that idea of Northern Ontario really, I feel, kind of defined a lot of my childhood, just the roots itself, right? Just the character from Northern Ontario itself, just the rugged nature, loving the outdoors. I grew up boating.

Loved school. I was really lucky going through school with a great group of friends, who I'm still friends with now. Just really lucky in my childhood, and loved to ski and loved to soak in all the great outdoors had to offer. Really, really blessed, and found a love of... In high school, I received the gym award graduating from high school and just really was fascinated by health and wellness and human performance.

And so, that's what I then pursued my education in and pursued a degree in exercise science and kinesiology, and then later pursued a degree in chiropractic and practiced as a sports chiropractor for years. I owned my own clinic, Peak Performance Chiropractic Health Centre, and loved it. Really loved working with professional athletes and weekend warriors and practiced what I preached by every single measure at the same time and was really truly climbing the ladder of life and loved life.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah. It seemed like everything was going well. You, I guess, were married and had, well, two sons, maybe one just, I guess, from what I understand.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Yeah. I was still nursing my youngest son and very happily married. We hurdled everywhere as a family of four, and my love for health and wellness was practiced in our family as well. We hiked every mountain together with the little infant backpacks. And my kids' first foods were homemade steamed spinach and avocado. I passed along the love of what I practiced for my whole life, even with my family. And getting sick was never on the agenda. I saw myself as the poster child for health and wellness. I felt so strong. I felt truly invincible at the time. And especially being a young mom too, your concern is always for your children, and you never really take the time to slow down and look inwards.




Warwick Fairfax:

So let's talk about what happened, because you were, I think, from what I understand, relatively young, like 35 or thereabouts, two young kids. Life is going great. And then what happened that changed the course of your life?




Dr. Erica Harris:

Sure. Yeah. You know what? We were climbing the ladder. We had so many plans and hopes and dreams and you're just in the thick of it. I was planning for my son's fifth birthday party, my oldest. I had planned this little party for months, and we had planned a month-long family holiday to the lake. Just, I was literally packing for it. We were gearing up to leave for the next week. I was still nursing my youngest. My oldest was soon to be starting kindergarten. We just had so much on the horizon, and cancer doesn't care about any of it.

It takes no regard for all of your responsibilities or your goals or your dreams or any of it. And it was a morning just like any other. I had woken up with my kids. We had packed a picnic lunch. I planned a little outing to the Vancouver Aquarium. We planned this picnic lunch to do after at Stanley Park. And I had to do a very quick routine lab test before we went. And it was a routine lab just to check a simple hormone. So when I was pregnant with my firstborn son, I had been diagnosed with this very common thyroid issue that a lot of women face. And I would take since then just one little medication every day. It's called Synthroid. And I would go for these routine labs every now and then just to make sure that that hormone level was at a good range.

And this was just kind of par for the course. And I went for this lab and I went straight to the Aquarium. It must have taken me about 15 minutes to go from A to B. And as we arrive in the Aquarium, I have these two little sets of legs running up ahead, so excited to see all of their sea creature friends, and my phone rang. I was still tucking our passes back into my wallet, and the reception in the Aquarium is terrible. I nearly didn't answer the call. And that was the call that changed my whole world, where everything I knew was ripped out from under me in the matter of seconds and really never to return again.

And there was a sense of urgency with the caller on the other end of the line, and it said, "Is this Erica Harris? Is this Erica Harris? You need to go to the nearest emergency room and avoid all public places." And I literally stood dumbfounded saying, "No, no, no. You've got the wrong person. I'm the poster child for health and wellness, and I literally just left your lab like 15 minutes ago. There's no way that those could be my results. You must have had me confused with somebody else," like literally dumbfounded. But devastatingly, those results were accurate. And soon after, I was told I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.

So I had a blood cancer that stemmed deep in my deepest of cavities in my bone marrow. So basically, my bone marrow wasn't producing functional blood cells. Literally, everything just happened so fast with leukemia. It's interesting, because you don't produce functional blood cells, so you don't have enough red blood cells. You can't clot properly as you don't have platelets, and you're just an immune hazard. You don't have the ability to fight any colds or bugs because you don't have any white blood cells.

So right away, you have to be admitted for 24 hours a day, seven-days-a-week chemotherapy. And it happened so fast. I think a lot of cancer diagnoses face this wait period that must be really difficult, too, in a completely different way. But this was just so abrupt and I had to be admitted to hospital right away. And like I said, the world was just ripped out from under me and just trying to grasp, hold on to anything I could at that time.




Warwick Fairfax:

So you go to hospital, and what were those first days like? I mean, and sadly, it was almost like a long descent into a dark night that was to last probably years, it felt like. But you weren't to know that at the time. What was your first thoughts?




Dr. Erica Harris:

No, I had no clue. In fact, I was told I had an 80% chance of success with the first round of chemotherapy. And I think we do it as a survival mechanism, but I went on to autopilot, as I'm sure we all do, in this flight-or-fight scenario that our brains and our minds almost have to do that to protect ourselves, to get through those moments. It would be too overwhelming to digest it all in that time, if that makes sense. Obviously, we can't stay on that zone. But looking back on it... And you don't see it at the time, but I can totally tell you I was in that autopilot survival mode.

And so, when I was admitted to hospital, right away, to me and my perspective, it was just a blip on the path. I was going to be fine, like, "Come watch me on my exercise bike. What can I get all my visitors from my water fountain? Would you like ice or no ice?" I had 60 visitors come to visit me every single day. And then over time, all of the unimaginable indignities that were coming in tow that I kept just dismissing, "Oh, it's fine. Oh, it's fine. It's fine. Just a blip. Just a blip. I'm going to be just fine."

But over time at night, when no one was around, that's when I would start to weep the silent tears, and that's when I would really let myself feel it. But I really felt genuinely that that was wrong to let myself feel that. I wasn't being positive in those moments and, "Erica Jane, just be positive. Just know you're going to be fine and then you will be fine." I was actually even reading Lance Armstrong's book at the time. And I remember being really angry when I got to this part where he was chatting with his oncologist, and he said to his oncologist, "Look," he too wasn't having the best news up until this point.

And he challenged his oncologist saying, "Look, I've been positive. I've had the most positive mindset, and I'm still not getting the results I want." And the oncologist apparently kind of looked back to him, and I don't remember the exact words, but the basic inference was, "Lance, I've seen the most positive of positive people perish on this path, and the most melancholic people of melancholic people thrive." And I was really angry with that. I really challenged myself with, "What had I done so wrong to get into this position and to be here now? And if only I were positive, that should work. That should contribute to my success."

But it was over time that I learned very acutely that when we're really our most genuine and positive self, it only comes after being really real about the hardships and giving ourself that safe space to be really real about the hardships. And for me, it came in tow with a nanny that we had had to hire. This nanny had been sitting in the corner of my room. She brought my babies in to see me. And all of a sudden, I was just struck by the presence of this complete stranger in the corner of my room. This must have been about eight weeks in.

I was struck by the presence of this complete stranger in my room and having access to our family's most vulnerable and most intimate of moments. And I watched her leave with my children. And from my penthouse view above, I could see her load in my boys into my vehicle down below, 15 floors below. All of a sudden, my mind just literally raced and panicked, and I was like, "Oh my gosh, is she going to buckle their seat belts properly? Is she going to speed on her way home? Is she going to shoulder check when she changes lanes? Does she realize what precious cargo she has in that car?"

I wanted to be the one driving home with my babies. I wanted to be the one to make them a healthy meal or to tuck them in at night and to sing them their lullabies before bed. I just felt so trapped. I felt almost institutionalized in that moment against my will, if that makes sense. I was stuck. I couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't be that mom to them at the time. And I watched my vehicle drive out with my kids. And people assume I've had so much physical pain on my path, which I have not. But that day was, by far, the most physical pain I've had on this journey, and I turned around from my window and I wept. And I was all alone in my room and I wept and I wept and I wept, and I didn't stop for days on end.

In today's society, that's when it's a problem. And my medical team came racing in saying, "Oh my gosh." There was this woman in this Hawaiian floral print dress, and I didn't even know her background or her specialization, but she had a clipboard, and she was just like, "If you've been having thoughts," and I was like, "Who is she?" And she's like, "I hear you've been crying. Don't worry. I can prescribe you anything you want."

And for me, it was the first reality check that I was like, "No, no. I just need to let myself feel the hurt of this and all that cancer came to take away and literally rip away from me." I had to abruptly stop nursing my youngest. I had to miss my oldest son's fifth birthday party. I couldn't go to this kindergarten orientation. I had to let myself feel all of the grief and loss that cancer had come to take in rather than, "Oh, it's just a blip on the path. Come watch me on the exercise bike."

Frankly, somebody should have been coming to speak with me then. I talk a lot about toxic positivity versus genuine positivity, and only looking back on it can I see that that was really toxic positivity. So over the course of time, I've come to learn through Lance's book, when we're mistaking that genuine positivity for toxic positivity, that's when we can get into that cycle of perhaps not having the results that we're expecting, if that makes sense.




Warwick Fairfax:

Just to help listeners know what happened, I mean, getting diagnosed with leukemia is bad enough, but it's just there were several more beats to the story where it felt like things kept getting worse physically. So just tell our listeners what were some of the other things that happened just to give people the full picture.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Sure. So within the first few weeks, I think the first round of chemotherapy was a three-week process. They do another bone marrow biopsy after that, and I was told I had not responded to that round of chemotherapy. In fact, I only grew more leukemic cells. I think I was admitted to hospital with 27% leukemic cells. After the first round of chemotherapy, I then had 67% approximately. I was then told I would need salvage chemotherapy followed by a bone marrow transplant.

Now, remember, this was only three weeks after I was diagnosed, and I hadn't even complained of feeling sick or unwell before that three weeks. And now I'm hearing, "Okay, you need salvage chemotherapy." And I was like, "Well, what's salvage? What happens if that doesn't work?" And that needs to be renamed because it inherently denotes questions in your mind. And point-blank, they said, "This is the last course of treatment we have available to treat this. If you don't respond to this, this is the end of the line." And I couldn't compete with that. I had literally just been diagnosed three weeks before. I still saw myself as so physically well, if that makes sense, so much life to live.

I was not nearly done living, and how could you tell me this? And let alone then, now I need a bone marrow transplant, like, "Show me. Show me somebody who has gone through this and they're now thriving." Right? And my team was amazing. It's very rare to have salvage chemotherapy, because you have to be quite young and fit to receive it. But they rummaged through their records and they found this one incredible woman, Mary. Mary came in to visit me on a hard day. I had a septic infection. I was in septic shock, and she stood in my doorway. And I swear she looked like an angel. It just lit up behind her.

And she walked into my room and she put her hand on my leg, and she just said everything I needed to hear. She understood it in a way that nobody else had understood it. And when she was leaving my room that day, she was actually going down the street here in Vancouver to Women and Children's Hospital. She was off to meet her firstborn grandchild. And for me, instantly, I was like, "Okay. I love this. I'm going to be this fit little granny one day."

And not only did this inspirational role model give me my vision, but she just gave me so much hope. And I saw myself then as this fit little granny pushing my future grandbabies down the Ambleside seawall here in West Vancouver, and I still see that vision very acutely. I feel the wind in my hair. I can taste the saltwater. I can hear all the laughter around me, and it's just really a powerful vision that really gets me through hard days.




Warwick Fairfax:

But there were some more hard days. I think you got a stem cell transplant.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Yes. Sorry.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Sorry.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah.




Dr. Erica Harris:

I did not respond to the salvage chemotherapy. Devastatingly, I was told I only grew sicker again. I think I then had 87% leukemic cells. I was really, really sick. And I was given a terminal prognosis because, again, that was the end of the line for treatment. I was withdrawn all further medical care, aside from palliative care, moving forward at that point. This was back in 2012, on July 31st. The world that I knew then just obviously collapsed in every way, shape, and form.

And I fought to go home. If I had two months to live, I had a lot of living to do. I certainly wasn't going to do it from a palliative floor. My first stop was to go to Fred Hutch, which is a leading leukemia institute in Seattle. All my eggs are in this basket, and devastatingly, they gave us the same prognosis. They said, "Erica, we've got some trials going on. You're not going to respond to them, but let us learn from you in the name of science." And I'm not sure if my choice would've been different not being a mom, but there was no way that I was going to get my kids down to Seattle and be a guinea pig in that time. Like I said, if I had two months to live, I wanted to maximize every single day.

And a big part of the story that I kind of overlooked was just literally the day before. This is just then the emotional roller coaster of the story. The day before I was given this terminal prognosis was the day that my team came running in after weeks of searching for a perfect donor match. They told me they finally found this perfect, 10-out-of-10 donor for my upcoming bone marrow transplant that I would desperately need. But devastatingly, as soon as I was told that I didn't respond to salvage chemotherapy and I wasn't in remission, "You're no longer eligible to serve as a recipient for this transplant."

So this gift of life that was just extended was brutally ripped away, literally 24 hours later. But this gift of hope that I had been given, for me, I held on to this. And for me, it was like a sign that I was given this information at a certain point for a certain reason, and just to hold on to this hope, because my goal at the time, in all honesty, wasn't to get into remission. I didn't even think that that was possible, given how sick I had become on this journey.

My goal was to fuel myself in every way, shape, and form to live another day, to convince somebody somewhere in the world to give me this transplant without being in remission. And so, my brother is a medical doctor. My brother-in-law at the time was a medical doctor. Everybody was rallying for this hospital here in Vancouver to do this transplant without me being in remission. And so, my goal in this time was only to stay healthy enough to convince somebody.

At the same time, I completely owned this fire-breathing dragon and the power of this dragon of cancer that had crept into my world and prepared for the worst. And I recorded the messages for my children. I made scrapbooks for them. We recorded songs together, all with tears streaming down my face. I was never ready to tell them about my prognosis. I knew when I felt it that I would be ready to talk to them, but they were so small, and I just never felt ready. But I felt it was really important to prepare myself.

A lot of people say, "Oh, Erica, you're so positive. You never owned what cancer could have done to you, and that was what led to your success." But I think it's almost the opposite, to be honest, because let's say I hadn't prepared for the worst. Right? Let's say I was just like, "I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine." And then my kids turned 35. Had I not been fine, they would've been like, "Gosh, mom had a terminal prognosis and she didn't write us a letter?"

But it's also interesting, because when we prepare for the worst, I assure you, when I was writing out those letters for grade seven graduation or whatever it may be that my kids would go through in their milestones, I wanted to be there. Right? And it made me rise to that even more in my efforts that I was doing to fuel my mind, my body, and my soul. And I became like this human filter for what would creep into my mind or my soul or my body in every single way. And I think owning that power is also equally really important in how we rise on the other side, the power of what is our antagonist, if that makes sense. Yeah.




Warwick Fairfax:

But it seems like, from what I understand, you did find that donor who'd be willing, somebody in Germany. So that was positive, and he had an interesting last name.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Yeah. I didn't know where he was from at the time. You're right. I didn't know where he was from at the time, but I was just holding on to this bit of hope. And miraculously, through doing all of the efforts that I did, we pursued any and everything in the natural healthcare realm. And miraculously, I achieved remission, a complete spontaneous remission, it's called in the medical world. I call it my miracle, because of holding on to hope.

And oddly enough, I've only come to meet him years later, this amazing donor who gave me all of this hope. And believe it or not, his last name is, I'm sure it's pronounced Hoppe in his home country of Germany, but it's hope in my world. It's H-O-P-P-E. But he is just my hope star. He's incredible. So he is this young mountaineering adventurer, and because of him, I was eligible to receive this lifesaving bone marrow transplant, which serves as like the, quote, unquote, "cure" to prevent against relapse from such an aggressive leukemia.

And he's this young, super healthy, fit gentleman. And because of him, my blood type changed from O- to A+, which is also crazy. Who even knew that that could happen? But I thought that that was a really good score on this test, and I was just so overjoyed. And instantly, from that day forth, I've lived my life incredibly differently. Hearing the words "you have two months to live" has been the greatest gift, despite all the turmoil that still happened even after that, because you really do learn to be ever so present and maximized today in every way.




Warwick Fairfax:

Wow. And I want to get to some of those lessons, but there are, I guess, a couple more beats, one obviously involving your lungs and then marriage after that. So talk about, just like things seem to be getting positive, and then wait, stop, and then something else happens. So tell us about the whole issue with the lungs.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Yeah, I call it the rise and fall. It just seemed like I kept rising and falling. And every time I'd come to the surface for another gulp of air, I felt like I was just violently pulled back down again. And so, yeah, you're right. After this bone marrow transplant, I had a few bumps in the road, but generally I grew strong quite quickly. I was on my skis by the end of that year again, skiing down the local mountains here. That was one of my goals.

I got back to hiking Grouse Grind, which is a pretty strenuous hike here. I was then teaching my kids how to ski, which is, you have to be really physically fit to be teaching kiddos how to ski the mountains here. But I really was. But then on my hikes, people started to pass me, Warwick, and they were like, "Oh, thanks for letting me pass." And I was like, "I am not trying to let you pass." I couldn't seem to catch my breath, and I couldn't seem to talk in the same capacity I'd always done so before. I seemed to be losing my breath.

And so, I mentioned it to my physicians, but at first, they were like, "Erica, you're just so..." I'm so much more active after transplant, and I was just so grateful to be alive. I didn't care if I was hiking in the hills anymore. And so, I would walk the seawall here all the time, and I was just so happy to walk the seawall. But then that same shortness of breath very quickly caught up with me on the seawall and in the flats, and then even caught up with me walking across my kitchen. And they learned a little bit too late that my new, hearty immune system kind of woke up, looked around, and decided it didn't recognize my own lungs, and embarked on this fierce process of attack through rejection and literally obliterated my lungs.

It's called a process of bronchiolitis obliterans. I fell to 80 pounds. I was crazy sick, on full-time oxygen. And gosh, those days were brutally hard. So in contrast to hearing the words "you have leukemia" and everything happening so fast, now I have this decline in my lungs. All the tools that I had previously used to miraculously survive cancer, there's nothing I could do now to gain control of this process happening within, where I kind of described it to my kids like I've got these two friends at the playground, my body and my donor's body, and they're not getting along. And there were no tricks that I could come up with to get these two to get along.

And it was really, really a defeating process, let alone to be declining quickly and on this everyday gradual progression. I was then told that my only hope of survival would be a double-lung transplant, which, for me, sounded brutal. Brutal. Like for something great to happen to me, something terrible has to happen to someone else. How do you come to grapple with that? That was just playing on my mind and all my emotions for the longest time, and I lost so much function. I ended up developing these steroid-related cataracts. I couldn't see, so I couldn't even drive. I couldn't watch a movie to take my mind off things. I couldn't read.

Everyone's just saying, "Oh, just rest." But there's only so much rest you can do. Those days were brutally, brutally hard to lose all of my independence. And then actually, on my worst day, what was once my worst day, July 31st, 2012, when I was told I had two months to live, fast-forward three years, July 31st, 2015, that was the day I had the call saying new lungs were waiting for me. And I was gifted new lungs the very next day on August 1st and the gift of breath with the thanks to a family, the family of another who bestowed the most incredible of incredible gifts.

And this family is an incredible family. I've only recently met them, and I am so honored to carry the lungs that I have, and I'm just the luckiest girl ever. More bumps in the road happened and I ended up getting a virus that I had never been exposed to before with these new lungs. I spent almost a year in the hospital, to be honest, trying to fight this virus. I grew resistant to all forms of treatment. I was called the Hail Mary of the hospital all over again.

I would literally get out of the hospital every day to pick up my kids from school. I'd drive from Vancouver back over to the North Shore, pick up my kids from school, get groceries, make a family meal, take them to activities, and tuck them into bed before I'd race back to the hospital. And I'm sure a million people could have done that, but I needed to do it. I needed to keep my fierce sense of purpose in this world. I couldn't give that up. And so, I had to advocate for myself at 7:00 AM if my nurses were late hanging my medications. I was like, "I've got to go. I've got to be out of here at 2:30. You've got to get these meds up. I've got to get out of here." Yeah. It was a really hard year.

And then miraculously, I had another miracle in the spring of 2017 on Easter weekend, literally, where I just started to develop my own immunoglobulins to this darn bug, which is a feat of feats for a girl who doesn't grow her own immunoglobulins at all after this bone marrow transplant. I'd go for transfusions every month where I borrow immunoglobulins that other people produce to keep me strong from colds and bugs. And here I am now developing my own immunoglobulins to this bug. It was a complete miracle in itself.

And then I grew strong. And six weeks after I was finally out of hospital, my husband chose to divorce. And this family unit of four that I had just cherished, again, the world that I knew was being ripped away from under my feet. And I had to face a move very quickly thereafter. I had to adjust to life as a single mom, and I really had to reinvent myself from that point forth. I was standing there and I just literally had to dust the dust off and figure out how I was going to reorientate the compass and move forward.

And my path ahead really all came from this point of service. I had always been asked, "Erica, what did you do on your path? How did you maintain your mental health? How did you survive all that you've survived? How did you do this?" I had so many questions. I had so many people from the hospital and other avenues wanting me to speak for their organizations.

And so, I started speaking, I started coaching, I started mentoring, and I started doing this podcast, the Rise Today Inspirational Podcast, just like you do, to share these stories of hardship and to really open up the conversation of hardship, but to also propel tools of resilience and resolve and fortitude to help others stay the course and to hold on to hope. And that's why I'm here. I try to serve as a beacon of hope for others who are hearing the most dire of dire of words, just to hold on and to fight in ways that you can and that you feel most proactive about.




Gary Schneeberger:

And one of the things that you probably can't know is what you've just described is something that is a critical aspect of what Beyond the Crucible, what Warwick created, what it stands for. Warwick calls it a life of significance, and he describes it as a life lived on purpose, dedicated to serving others, and that it's impossible, really, to have a life that's, quote, unquote, "successful," truly, without doing that. So, again, I'm going to play the role of the guy who says, "Are you paying attention, listener? Or are you hearing it?"

Warwick Fairfax, his crucible story, you know well, takeover of the family media dynasty, succeeds for a bit, ultimately fails, 150 years of family history washed away, at least in terms of what's owned, at a $2.25 billion, with a B, price tag. Then you hear Dr. Erica Harris talking about everything that she's been through. Completely different than what Warwick has been through, but listen to the emotions, and not just the emotions of what they felt when they went through it, but where they ended up.

You just said, Erica, that the only thing that helped you going through what you went through when you finally got through what seemed like maybe the last part of that, and it's never really the last part, is that you dedicated yourself to service. You're living right now that life of significance. And from where I sit, in the cohost chair, love hearing those stories. And Warwick, I'm sure that means everything to you as well, hearing someone, who you did not know before this conversation, living the same sort of story that you talk to listeners about all the time.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah. I mean, very well said, Gary. I mean, to me, part of the challenge of life is try to make meaning and purpose out of tragedy, out of pain. We don't necessarily know why it happens, what's the reason, but I think a lot of folks we've had on the podcast, myself included, have tried to use what we've been through to serve others, to help others in some fashion.

It doesn't make maybe the physical or emotional pain all go away, but it, a bit like drops of grace, I think, really definitely helps. I want to focus, one of the other things that you've said is, "I choose to focus on the blessings." Now, listeners hearing about leukemia, lung transplants, divorce, and I think you said, sadly, it's more common than people think. I think you've mentioned previously maybe 50% of marriages don't survive cancer, so it's, yes, all too common.




Dr. Erica Harris:

I've said this in my TED Talk, and thank you for bringing this up. It's a really important stat to share, because they don't tell you this when you're holding your husband's hand facing your diagnosis. And you're right. 50% of marriages don't survive a cancer diagnosis. They don't tell you this. There need to be more resources in tow to help these young couples and young families. There are no resources for my children. Contrast that to a child who has cancer. There are resources for the parents. There are resources for the siblings, but there are none when it's a young parent who is ill.

And so, that's a really important topic that you just brought up. But when you're a woman facing a cancer diagnosis compared to a man facing a similar diagnosis, with a similar prognosis, you actually have a six times greater chance of divorce. And they don't talk about it. There's no discussion on preserving... My kids deserved our family having a better chance. Of course. My husband at the time went through his own journey. He almost watched me die over and over and over and over and over again. He would've had to pull back emotionally. Right?

And there are hardships going through that. I'm not saying I was perfect going through cancer either. You don't even have time to focus on your marriage. You're still prioritizing the children. When one person is living at the hospital, you're pulled in so many different directions. And these families, I don't know, for any of your listeners, if you know any young parents facing health issues, support those families.

I just wanted somebody at the soccer pitch to cheer on my youngest and to be that pseudo-mom for a day. I needed somebody to bake a birthday cake. I needed the basic things that you don't even think about. When you take a young mom out of the house, you need a lot of resources in place to help those young children, and those families need so much more support.




Warwick Fairfax:

Absolutely. It's the unseen challenges. The seen is the physical. And hospitals and healthcare providers, that's what they focus on, as they should. But it's the unseen, marriages and kids and relationships, that... You're right. We need to do a better job of caring for that. But I want to shift to... It'd be hard for a lot of people to believe there could be blessings from what you went through.

I think you've said also that you felt like you started as a caterpillar and became a butterfly, as if somehow this cancer and this pain was maybe part of the process of taking you from a caterpillar to a butterfly, which, if that's what you meant, most people would say, "That makes no sense. How could there be any beauty in cancer? It's evil. It's awful. How could there be a blessing? How could somehow this transform you from a caterpillar to a butterfly?" Talk a bit about blessing and that whole caterpillar-to-butterfly metamorphosis.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Great question. It's so true. When you face your own mortality at such a young age, you realize the fragility of life that we often otherwise take for granted. Actually, I'll take it back a second. When I was hearing the words of my diagnosis, I was sitting in this doctor's office building downtown Vancouver, and I heard the words, "You have acute myeloid leukemia." And I saw my physician try to conceal a tear in her eye, because I looked so well. I just looked so well. And my husband, as any caring husband would do, started off on this rampage of questions. Right?

And from that point forth, I heard the words in the room, but it was like this muddled, I don't know, this muddled video playing in the background almost. And I turned my gaze out the window and, as per this point that you were just talking about, I saw this young woman. She looked like she was walking home from work after a day in the office. She had white sneakers on, professional attire on underneath. She had a backpack on. And her hair literally bounced with every step she took. She said hello to everybody she passed by. She just happily greeted everybody.

It was a walk I too had done many times before with that same beat in my step and the same energy and the same vim and vigor to see people walking by. And I pictured her walking home from work to going home to make her family a meal, and it was in that moment that I had never realized before how lucky I was just to get to go home and make a family dinner. And all I wanted to do in that moment was to go home and make a simple family dinner, the task that we do every day, the simple mundane. All I wanted to do was to get to do the everyday mundane that I had always taken for granted.

My focus was always on the big adventures. What was the family trip that was going to be next? What was this? Often overlooking the beauty that lies in the simple mundane. All I wanted to do was make a family dinner without a care in the world. And cancer brought me that gift of appreciating the simple mundane, and there's so much beautifulness that unfolds from that. I have a calm in my heart that I never otherwise had before. Before, I lived on autopilot, "What's coming next? Where am I going?" I was so, "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go."

I never paused and took the time to really be appreciative of the moment, because I was always thinking ahead to what was coming next. I always say now that I have lived a million more lives each and every day than I ever could have before cancer. I've almost been gifted 11 bonus years. On July 31st, it'll be 11 from the time that I heard I had two months to live, and I'm just the luckiest girl in the world. I could have lived till I was 120 before, but I've already outlived that life that I could have lived before now.




Warwick Fairfax:

Life is in the little things. The blessing is in the day-to-day, as you say, cooking a meal, walking in nature, being with your kids at dance recitals or on the soccer pitch.




Dr. Erica Harris:

You've got it.




Warwick Fairfax:

That's part of the tapestry of life, right?




Dr. Erica Harris:

That's the secret of happiness right there, the everyday, simple mundane.




Warwick Fairfax:

There are so many tools you talk about. One of the biggest things I think is just that whole mindset, mindset and mindfulness. But why is mindset so important as you go through challenges in life?




Dr. Erica Harris:

Gosh, that's how you choose to react. Right? What we face, it's not a choice. It wasn't something I did wrong that brought on cancer. There are so many adversities that we face that are outside of our control. I couldn't impact my husband's decision. I knew things were hard on our marriage, but I always assumed once I was well and out of hospital, we would have time to fix that. So that was probably the hardest thing for me, was that we didn't have that time.

But we can't choose what happens to us, and there's no fault in the adversities we face. But unless we choose to assign meaning to it, we lack that purpose, and then we focus. We choose our focus to focus on the hardships. And Tony Robbins often talks about what we choose to focus on, we give meaning to. It is a choice. If I choose to focus on all the hardships I've been through, that is where my mind goes. That's what I become. Right?

But I choose to focus on living life to the fullest. I choose to defy everything that's on paper in the hospital about me, and I choose to live life, every bit that I can, when I'm outside of those walls. There's nothing more that I love more than when I walk in to meet a new doctor, and they're like, "Wow, you look nothing like what I expected you to look like from what's in here." And that's the choice piece. Right? That's the mindfulness piece. We can all choose how we rise to our adversities.




Warwick Fairfax:

So well said. And part of that choice, as you talk about, is using what you've been through to live a life of service. And I so love that concept of just helping other people that may face illness or may face challenge and just giving them hope. Part of being healthy, I think, psychologically is making meaning and purpose out of what you've been through and using it in a way to serve others. And so, that's obviously a clear part of that. Yeah.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Yeah. I'm so passionate about that because, like I said, even when I had 60 people come to see me every single day, I felt so incredibly alone, because they all come in. Right? They are dressed to go to the beach after. They are dressed to go to work, and you are the one that is stuck in there. They get to go home and have that family dinner at their house. Right? You're the one that's stuck in there, left alone, and you can feel so incredibly alone. And unless you're connecting with other people, you can also feel really guilty about the feelings that you're experiencing.

And so, I try to create this safe space by being really real about the ups and downs that I still face now today through my social media and through my coaching and through speaking efforts and through my podcast and through everything that I still do today. I feel so compelled to pay forward all that I've been gifted. Look, this complete stranger rose to help from halfway around the world in my time of need. Who does that? I breathe through the lungs of another. I have the bone marrow of another flowing through all parts of me. I am seriously the luckiest girl ever. It's been a team to get me here. And I'm so passionate about paying all of that forward and helping other people feel less alone on their journey and holding on to hope.




Gary Schneeberger:

That sound you heard was the captain turning on the fasten seat belt sign, indicating that it's time to begin our descent to land the plane. We're not there yet. Before we get there, I do want to give you the chance, Erica, to talk about Rise Today. And I want to read the mission statement that you have for Rise Today, is, "To open up the conversation about hardship and to equip you with tools to stay the course, to take back the power from adversity, and to thrive like never before." You described all of that in this conversation we've had. Talk a little bit about... I'd be remiss if I didn't give you the chance to let listeners know how they can find out more about Rise Today and about the services you offer.




Dr. Erica Harris:

Sure. I always say we are not defined by how hard we fall, but rather by how high we choose to bounce on the rebound. We're also not defined by how many times we fall. I've fallen a lot, but rather by how many times we choose to rise. And I encourage your audience to choose to rise and choose to do so again and again and again.

And at Rise Today, we are a community of support for others who are navigating these hard days. We have coaching courses available, a speaking platform available to inspire your audience at your next event. We've got a podcast that a lot of people appreciate, and you can find more at risetoday.com. Instagram is probably my most active platform, 60daystolive2012. But other formats are Dr. Erica Harris for LinkedIn, Facebook. You can find me anywhere online. Yeah. Search Dr. Erica Harris and risetoday.com, and I will be there.




Gary Schneeberger:

Awesome. Warwick, as always, it's the founder and host's prerogative to ask the last question, or two if you want. Take it away.




Warwick Fairfax:

Well, thank you, Erica. It's just a pleasure and a joy to have you, and what you've been through is so amazing. But as amazing as that's been, what's more amazing is just how you've approached it, not stuffing emotions, but yet seeing blessing in the lessons, using it to pay it forward and serve others. That's what's really truly remarkable.

There may be a listener today, maybe today is their worst day. Maybe they're in the bottom of the pit. Maybe they're in hospital or some other kind of challenge, and they may not see really any glimmer of hope. What's maybe a word of hope that you would offer that person? Because I realize hope doesn't necessarily mean, "Oh, things will be fine." Right? But I mean, I don't know if the word is realistic, but what's a word of hope for maybe a listener who's listening today that today may feel like their worst day?




Dr. Erica Harris:

Break it down. Take the focus off the long term and bring it right here to today. Fuel yourself in every way that helps you maximize this moment right here and right now. Whatever is going to bring you the most joy right now, do that. I feel by taking my focus off cancer and by living life and by fueling myself in every way I could, I've extended those two months into 11 years. I don't know what happens tomorrow, but by maximizing today, I've sure had a great ride in between.




Gary Schneeberger:

I have been in the communications business long enough to know when the last words have been spoken on the subject, and right there, listener, you heard Dr. Erica Harris speak the last word of our discussion on this episode of Beyond the Crucible. So all I'll say is this: Until the next time we're together, listeners, do remember, and you've heard it here in great detail, with great emotion, and with great hope, that we understand that your crucible experiences are hard. Erica's crucible experiences were hard. Warwick's were hard. Mine were hard.

But we also know this, that if you learn the lessons from those crucibles, if you dig in, you take that one small step, as Warwick calls it, you take those little mindset shifts that Erica talked about, if you do those things and you apply them and you compile the lessons from your crucible experiences, you can lead the best life imaginable. It's not the end of your life. It's not the end of your story to go through a crucible. It can be the beginning of a new story that will lead to the greatest, greatest destination of your life, and that's this, a life of significance.

If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond the Crucible. Visit our website, beyondthecrucible.com, to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start? Our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible, and to chart a course forward. See you next week.

Using our worst days to help others have their best days. That’s the undergirding philosophy, the bedrock exhortation, of Beyond the Crucible. And we explore it on this week’s episode in detail so that you can turn your own trials into triumphs. We’ve discovered and keep discovering with each new guest we interview that while crucible experiences vary greatly in their circumstances, they come with many similar emotions, whether it’s a business crucible or a physical crucible, an emotional crucible or a life crucible — or even the quiet crucible marked by feeling stuck and wondering “Is This All There is?” In this episode, we explore the 3 important truths no matter the crucible. 

Highlights

Transcript

Warwick Fairfax:

Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond The Crucible. When something happens to you, whether it's setback, failure, physical, emotional, crucible, whatever it is, you can be angry and bitter and say, "This was unfair. I was an idiot. I'm a terrible person. What they did to me was so unfair," and just be wrapped in a cauldron of bitterness and anger, as we often say on Beyond the Crucible, it's like drinking poison. It just erodes your soul or you can say what happened to me, whether it's a physical emotional crucible, it wasn't fair, it wasn't right. What I did was wrong, but that's happened and there can be life altering circumstances and consequences, but how do I move forward? I think the key for many, if not, all of our guests, is just that phrase that you said so well, that it didn't happen to them, it happened for them, is how can I use this crucible that happened to me to help others?




Gary Schneeberger:

Using our worst days to help others, to have their best days? That's the undergirding philosophy, the bedrock exhortation of Beyond the Crucible and we explore it on this week's episode in detail, that you can apply to turn your own trials into trials. Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. Warwick and I take a tour of what we've learned ground also covered in the new blog at beyondthecrucible.com, three critical lessons all five crucible types can teach us. We've discovered and keep discovering with each new guest we interview that while crucible experiences vary greatly in their circumstances, they come with many similar emotions, whether it's a business crucible or a physical crucible, an emotional crucible or a life crucible, or even the quiet crucible marked by feeling stuck and wondering, is this all there is?

And those three important truths that help you navigate your way up from and out of the pit, realizing that mindset is everything, not going it alone and taking the first right step, then the next right step. Putting those truths together are the key to being able to consider your crucible not as something that happened to you but as something that happened for you. The subject that we're talking about this week listeners, as we do from time to time, once a month, about the current blog at beyondthecrucible.com, and that blog is Three Critical Lessons All Five Crucible Types Can Teach Us. So we've got kind of three young at front side and a number and five on the backside and a number. The idea there is there are lessons that we've learned in doing this show that hold true across what we've identified in doing this show five crucible experience types.

So what we've discovered, and I'll start here with you Warwick, the fascinating thing for me in co-hosting this show with you is when this first hit me, and I don't even remember what guest it was, but there's your story of having failed in the takeover ultimately after it was successful of the family media company in 1990 at a cost of $2.25 billion, that's your crucible moment. And that ... as you've said many times, you're kind of a support group of one there, right? I mean, there's not a lot of people who've been through that. Yet, there was a guest we had and the guest said something that sounded just like something that you've said about how you had to bounce back, how you had to rediscover your identity, how you had to find your purpose and your significance.

In that moment, I as the co-host said, "Hey, listener, did you hear that? Warwick's story and our guest's story are completely different in circumstance, but listen to the emotion behind them." That really has proven true, hasn't it, as we've done guest after guest crucible after crucible, those emotions are remarkably similar, aren't they?




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, it's very true, Gary. There's the sense of loss, whether it's physical or some other crucible, which we'll get into. The sense that who I am now is fundamentally different. The thing about crucibles, as we discovered from our survey when ... as you know, we surveyed 11,000 plus people and 72% of them said that they had an experience that was so traumatic that it fundamentally altered the course of their life. So when you have that life altering crucible, there's the before the crucible and the after. The commonalities are themes such as choice, which you talk about a lot. You can't always choose what happened to you. Sometimes what happened to you has irreversible consequences. Often in the case of a physical crucible, but you have a choice.

Are you going to let it define you as we say? Are you going to let your worst day define you, this horrendous thing that happened to you or mistake you made or are you going to somehow turn that pain, that setback for good in a way that helps others? So that sense of choice. Another thing we talk a lot about is a sense of identity. Some folks we've had on there were very defined as we'll talk more about by their profession and who they were. Then, when that changes, who am I if I'm not that former life, that former person. So it really, where's my identity? So that sense of emotion, identity, choice about not letting your crucible define you. Those are common across every crucible, every background, nationality, gender, race, circumstance.

That's the amazing thing we've discovered is there are certain emotions, choice, identity, it's true for every guest we've had. Those have all been issues.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right, and it's truly been a discovery, right? When we started doing this thing 166 episodes ago, we didn't know. I mean, we're talking about business crucibles and you had a failure and a setback and that doesn't define you. As we talked to more guests and we heard more stories, we broadened the tent under which people can come. It's not ... we have discovered that it was truly episode by episode, a discovery process of learning that even when the circumstances are different, the emotions are the same.




Warwick Fairfax:

I mean, it's just amazing, the commonalities, as you said before, I can feel like I'm in a self-help group of one. I mean, "Hey, I've lost two billion dollars in 150 year old family business. Anybody else? Anybody else want to put their hand up?" It's like-




Gary Schneeberger:

Crickets. It's crickets.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, I can feel like, well, nobody can relate to what I went through. Truth be told, I've never really met anybody that I feel like, "Oh, you went through what I went through." I mean, maybe there are some people in family businesses, maybe a little bit the same, but I've never really met that person. Yet in chatting with the folks we have on Beyond the Crucible, there is something about the commonality of tragedy, just the sheer factor of being human identity, loss, failure, setback. How do I overcome that? That's part of what it is to be human. It just shows that we all have differences, but there's so much that unites us. There's so much that we have in common. So when you feel like they felt shame like I did, they had identity issues like I did, they had days in which they struggled to get out of bed.

Maybe they did eventually, but they had days when they were just so angry at themselves, so disappointed in themselves. It's remarkable how those emotions are pretty much identical, even though the circumstances are different. I mean it never ceases to amaze me.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right, and from what you just said, so from those emotional experiences that folks have in going through a crucible experience as they're coming out of a crucible experience, that bridges to what we're talking about in this blog, three critical lessons all five crucible types can teach us. It's interesting to me, Warwick, I came upon in this blog that I wrote at beyondthecrucible.com, I came upon this idea that there are five crucible types because I went through all the guests and sort of said, "Okay, their story was this. Their story was that." I didn't have a preconceived notion of that. What was interesting about how this whole thing came to be is that a member of the team who's been with us a little less time than certainly than you did, since you founded it, and even me, been around about five years, had this idea of unpacking some of the crucible types that people go through.

When I began to do that, that's when I found ... what resonated with me as a more of a long-termer was what we've been talking about so far. People say the same ... I mean, if I say anything on this show a lot, it's "Did you hear that listener? Their emotions are the same." So it was a marriage of sort of a new perspective from the team and an older perspective from me, which is where this blog comes from. I had no preconceived notion when I went into this, how many ... we've never done this before. How many crucible types are there? I identified in going through the list of every guest that there are five types of crucibles that we have tended to focus on.

So let's run through those briefly because ... and listener, just a word of note here, we're not going to dive deeply into every ... we'll give examples of folks who fall into these categories, but we're not going to dive deeply into their stories because the purpose of what we do here isn't to wallow in the downbeat, isn't to stay in the pit. These are the crucibles that led people to the pit. What we talk about is how you get out of it, and that's going to be the three critical lessons these five types teach us. It's important to understand, especially for Beyond the Crucible, which started its lifecycle as crucible leadership. That shifted in part because we realized they weren't all business crucibles. And that's our first type of the five crucibles was business crucibles.

That grew out of, I think, Warwick, your experience. Then also, this idea that ... as you wrote a book on leadership, that perhaps focusing on leadership crucibles was going to be what we were going to do. We've discovered somewhat quickly as we move through it that business crucibles, while important are not all that we do, but business crucibles, those are those crucibles like yours, like a gentleman like Hank McLarty who we talked to, who was a hotshot financial planner. He believed in his own press. He said he drank the Hank Kool-Aid. I'll never forget that. Then, he sort of took a fall where he lost his job and he ended up in a hotel for an extended period of time with his two sons needing to live off of the free breakfasts in the hotel because that's how far he had sunk into the pit.

So those business crucibles, still important to Beyond the Crucible, not our sole focus anymore, but we still have them, and they're still very, very common among people who are listening to this show, right?




Warwick Fairfax:

With the business crucible, that sense of identity is often the searing tip of the spear, if you will, of the pain. Who am I if I'm not Hank McLarty, A-listed, successful finance guy? It just strikes at the core of who you are, because in the business world, as you are successful, you begin to believe you're on press. "Hey, I'm this hotshot executive and I can do no wrong." And everybody says, "Wow, I saw you on the front cover of Business Week and saw you on CNBC. Man, you're just incredible. You're amazing." You think, "Yeah, I kind of am."




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

It's hard to understand praise, and the dangerous thing is you believe that, and then, your whole identity gets wrapped up in "Hey, look at me. I'm COO. I'm CEO, I'm VP." And eventually, that's going to end, either ... not everybody has to resign, but eventually you might retire, maybe your company is bought out, they're bringing new folks. One of these days you will leave that job.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

It's a 100% certain, that you'll be the top dog and then you're not going to be. And pretty much everybody has gone through that. You go to your country club, if you're COO or CEO, that's kind of what you do and playing with your golfing buddies and it's like, you're not the top dog anymore. It's like, "Huh, you feel bad about yourself because I'm not who I was. I'm just a regular Joe, huh." So that sense of identity, that sense of shame, if you will, it's extremely common and it is pretty dangerous to have your identity wrapped up in who you are and being the CEO or whatever in a business organization. For most people, that's normal operating procedure. It's really hard to withstand the temptation or the siren call of success. So yeah, it's a different kind of crucible but yeah, there's the financial loss, obviously, but the identity is often ... it's often harder than the actual financial loss, which can happen in business crucibles.




Gary Schneeberger:

Yeah, and that's a good segue into the second kind of crucible that we've identified in this blog because there's an identity factor to the physical crucible that we've talked to many guests about, and those are individuals, I think of one of the first guests we talked to David Charbonnet, the Navy SEAL, who was injured in a training accident and became a paraplegic and ended his Navy SEAL career, that was his identity, that's who he was going to be. We discovered that even if your identity is not wrapped up in being an athlete ... and we have a guest coming up that we're going to talk to Janine Shepherd who went through that she was a competitive Olympic level cross-country skier for your home nation of Australia, terrible accident.

That those dreams never came through, but other dreams came through, and you'll hear more about that listener in a full show. Again, her identity a little bit wrapped up in being that athlete, and she had to learn that wasn't really at all what her identity was. There was a whole different identity for her, and she had to pursue that. So both business crucibles and these physical crucibles have at some part of their root, this idea of identity, but it's different with physical crucibles because it's an identity that ... your identity as the fifth generation heir to the family media business is unique. Being a quote-unquote able-bodied healthy, whatever that looks like for you, person, and to have that taken away through accident, trauma, injury, illness, that can really make you ... I mean, in some ways, worse than being an audience of one.

You're an audience of a lot of people who have gone through this and it's hard to know how to move next. So what did those from physical crucibles, what's your reactions ... I mean, your remembrances of the guests we've talked to who've been through physical crucibles?




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, I mean, so well said. So true, I mean, David Charbonnet was one of our early guests, and he and his dad were both Navy SEALs and David Charbonnet was injured, became a paraplegic in a training accident in Southern California. Understandably, his identity was all wrapped up in being a Navy SEAL, and he literally said, "Who am I? If I'm not a Navy SEAL? This is what I was born to do." His dad said, "My son is as good a Navy SEAL as is out there." And one Navy SEAL doesn't say that about another, even if it's your son, unless you feel like it's true. You just don't do things like that. I think of Michelle Quay, who was injured at about 10 years old, and her native Taiwan now, lives in California, she never grew beyond what she was at that age.

So she has to use the sort of walking sticks. When you go to the grocery store. She can't reach the top shelf. She has to ask somebody for help or maybe knock it over with one stick and hopefully catch it with the other hand. I mean, most of us don't think of going to the grocery store as this massive ordeal, which we feel embarrassment almost. She hasn't used the word shame, but just certainly embarrassment, feeling awkward, feeling like I've got to ask somebody for help for something that's so simple for 90% of people. So yeah, that sense of identity and the things that were so simple are now so hard, and having to come to terms with that and not be angry and bitter, that is not easy.




Gary Schneeberger:

No, and one of the things ... and it just popped in my head, we didn't talk about this beforehand, that's why I love these episodes because things just pop in our heads as we're talking, but one of the things, if you go back and listen to or even watch ... especially watch on YouTube, those shows involving physical crucibles, I think there's a higher percentage of guests there who watch their faces, listen to their voices. I think of Michelle when I say this, there's joy all over them. They've been through some of the most traumatic things people can go through in terms of limitations on their bodies, on their minds, on their movements, and yet there's laughter and there's joy, and there's complete comfort in that they have found their identity on the other side of that pit, getting out of that pit, they found their identity.

I think if we did the research on it, we would find physical crucible guests are the ones who are ... when they talk about what it's like on the other side of that crucible, they're filled with joy because maybe they didn't think they'd ever be able to do anything again. Ryan Campbell, the Australian ... he was a younger guy, set this record for how far he flew a plane, and then he had a plane crash and he became physically disabled. There was joy as he talked about what he's able to do now. I think there's an appreciation that comes from when you weren't able to do what you were accustomed to doing. You learn to do new things, you do get some skills back, but you learn to do new things. You find a new purpose, and that just bubbles out of these folks. That's been my experience anyway in when we've talked to them.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, I mean it's very true. I think of another Australian, Stacey Copas who was injured at, somewhere around 14. She dove into a suburban Sydney above ground pool, which typically aren't deep. She was diagnosed as a quadriplegic. Now she got some movement in her hands, but it fundamentally alter the course of her life, I mean, she was an athlete in high school.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

And I don't know that she studied that hard or took life too seriously, but ever since, it's just transformed her thinking. She's a speaker, consultant in Australia, and she would ... yeah, there were moments of maybe suicidal ideation or substance abuse challenges during those early years, understandably, but she would look at that and say pretty much something like this, that she is grateful for what she went through.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

And she also was a somewhat early guest, and I remember thinking, how in the world could you possibly be grateful for what you went through? I think what she means is obviously nobody wants to go through that, but she became a different person. She became somebody that had some empathy and care for others. She really had a mission. It sort of transformed her.




Gary Schneeberger:

It is, we hope, an immense encouragement to those who listen to the show, as is the perspective of our next kind of crucible that we identified. That's the life crucibles. These are those that we group together people who life just maybe bit them, maybe they bit life. For whatever reason, there was something about their circumstances in life that knocked them off their feet, that knocked them in the pit. I think first one that came to my mind as I was writing this blog was Donte Wilburn, the young man that we spoke to who was by his own ... I mean, he came out and said it. He was a drug dealer. He learned to deal drugs when he was in high school, and he did it through college, and he discovered he wanted the cool things that the kids that he knew, that he looked up to in high school had.

He talked to one of them, "Where did you get this stuff." And the guy said, "Well, here, I'll show you," and taught him how to deal drugs. Donte's life began to spin out of control, and he ended up one night with a gun, right in the middle of his forehead, and it could have killed him. He could have been killed in a drug deal gone bad, he could have gone to jail, he could have gone to prison because of that when he got caught and he didn't. From that was birthed his life of significance. And we find over and over again, those guests who have had life crucibles, get bounced around, get knocked off their feet, things happen to them, they cause things to happen to themselves, and they end up learning lessons. We're going to talk about those lessons that'll teach you, but where they end up is at a place where they're helping other people and they're living life, "on the straight and narrow".

They circumstances that knocked them off their feet, they found a way to have those removed from their life, and they're moving forward, helping others, offering hope to others. You know who else falls in this category of life crucibles? One of the 4,872 guests from Australia, we've had on the show. Katie Folks, I think falls in this category too. The Olympic rower, who through really no fault of her own, there was a "scandal", involving a team member in the Olympics who stopped rowing. That became ... I mean, they became a byword in Australia. The prime minister went after them, but that's a life crucible of a different stripe and yet, certainly knocked her off her feet, knocked her in a hole. So, life crucibles maybe be one of the wider categories that we can get into. There's a lot of different things that you can cause or that can happen to you, that can knock you off your feet.

And Katie is an example of a story that it wasn't her ... she didn't do anything to make it happen. She just had to live with the fallout from it, right?




Warwick Fairfax:

Absolutely. Well said. I mean, Katie Folks is a good example where she was a cox of women's eight that was in the Olympics. Katie is somebody who is a strategist. She is disciplined, she is determined, she's competitive back in the day in high school and that's from my college at Oxford at Balliol, which is a little bit more intramural. I did rowing, it was my favorite sport. So in a very small way, I can identify with Katie a little bit, but she was really good at what she did. Somehow there was a woman in the boat that had some ... I think, some challenges and had been known occasionally to stop rowing in the middle of a race, but they felt like she had this under control. It's sort of an anxiety attack, if you will. So, they might have even been in the final, I mean, they weren't like in the first heat, if you will, of the Olympics.

I think they had a pretty decent shot to medal from what Katie said. So when somebody stops rowing, I mean, you never see that. Okay, occasionally maybe you lose your roar and there's a challenge with the boat. That happens, but I don't know that that's ever happened before. So it's not Katie's fault, but yet she and her whole crew are branded as people that gave up in Australia. I mean, America takes sports seriously, but Australia takes sports as seriously as any nation on earth. So when you let down your country like that, the prime minister of Australia at the time said, these rowers were Un-Australian.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

That's about the worst condemnation you can possibly have.




Gary Schneeberger:

Yeah.




Warwick Fairfax:

Was that unfair? Sure, but I guess in the heat of the moment, the prime minister said that, so she had to bounce back from that crucible. It's not her fault, but she is one of the condemned crew, the crew of shame, if you will. She has bounced back and coaches people on resilience and strategy and has done well. Yeah, she had to both forgive maybe prime minister, the public, the media who condemned them and in some sense had to forgive that other rower. She'll probably never know quite how and why that happened, but powerful lessons of forgiveness and not letting other people's opinion of you define you, especially in this case when it wasn't her fault. There's no merit whatsoever. It's completely unfair that she should be tarnished with that same brush.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yet life isn't fair, and sometimes people will condemn you when you've done nothing wrong. That unfortunately happens.




Gary Schneeberger:

Yeah, and that can be the shot across the bow that creates the life crucible, which is our third category of the five crucible types that we talk about in this blog, three critical lessons all five crucible types can teach us. I want to say we're not getting in great depth and detail to each individual story. We're using them just as examples of the kinds of crucibles. We will do this, this just came to me. In the blog, we can hyperlink when we name these names of some of the folks we're talking about, their podcast episodes, so you can hear how that whole story goes from stem to stern, speaking of boats. The fourth category of crucible that we identified going back through our lists of 165 episodes before this one is the emotional crucible, somewhat a cousin for sure, to the life crucible, but when I think of emotional crucibles, Warwick, I think first and foremost of Esther Fleece, who was the first person we ever interviewed.

Esther is a long time friend of mine, and she found herself, she was abandoned by both parents, legally while she was still a teenager in high school. The emotions attached to that, you've said the word four or five times in this episode, shame hit her and that fueled her crucible. Another one who falls into this emotional crucible is Chris Singleton, whose mother was murdered in a mass shooting at a church. Again, nothing that he did, nothing that she, Esther, did to make this happen, but the emotions that come in the wake of that, being disowned by your parents or losing a parent, just a couple of the examples of how emotions can boil over, can take over and really knock you down into the pit.




Warwick Fairfax:

Absolutely, Gary. So yeah, Esther Fleece is ... yeah, she's a good example of, she did nothing wrong, but as a teenager, she's abandoned by her parents. She fortunately had friends in church that took her in and she didn't let it define her, but there is a sense of shame when that happens, and you feel like as a young kid, it's inevitable, there can be a tendency to think, "Well, what did I do wrong?" That's never fair or right, and there's a sense of, "Oh, I'm different than the other kids," whether it's going to basketball games or, "Oh, my mom and dad are out there and gee, where are they? Well, they abandoned me. Oh, wow, really? I'm so sorry." And you just get into the conversation for the 83rd time and you're feeling bad, and it's hard to bounce back from something like that.

I mean, when your parents abandon you, that can just cause a searing emotional hole in your psyche and your sense of self-worth.




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

It's just inevitable that ... not consciously, but psychologically, it's just, why was I not worth loving? What's wrong with me? It's just incredibly a hard thing to cope with. Chris Singleton, just ... somebody killing his mother in a church in Charleston, South Carolina just for reasons of hate. She was a person of great faith, a leader in her church in many ways. Just bouncing back from that and not letting that seething hatred, which would be very understandable, define him. Obviously, you don't condone it. You want justice to be served, but that sort of searing hatred, it can destroy your life. Chris is wise enough to know that and has found a way to not let hatred define him, but it's just not easy to bounce back from that.

You want to continue and have a normal life. Everybody wants to hear the story for the hundredth time and he's happy to tell it, but he wants ... and he used the circumstance of his mother's death to enable him to be a speaker and a writer, and really to talk about at a bigger level about bringing people together and unity. It will be easy for those two people, Esther Fleece and Chris Singleton, to be defined by those emotional crucibles, by their worst day and neither of them let those days define them.




Gary Schneeberger:

No, and as a great example of how for Esther, that's true ... here's the funny part, I've known Esther for 20 years. When I knew her, she was Esther Fleece. She's now Esther Fleece-Allen, and I defaulted to Esther Fleece, and here's where her healing has come to life, right? Abandoned by her parent, she is now a wife and mother and married to a guy named Joel Allen, and she's Esther Fleece-Allen, and her identity back to that subject, identity has been redeemed from out of the ashes of the similar kind of thing where her parents left her. She's now a parent, and it's a beautiful thing that points to the power of learning the lessons of your crucible, marching forward in those lessons and looking at a life of significance, what that looks like. Esther Fleece-Allen is a great example of that.

The final example that I've come up with of the five types of crucible experiences that we can have ... and this is an interesting one, the quiet crucible. This one we didn't think about for the longest time, and then, we did a series on second act significance. What does it look like when the first act of your life was okay, maybe even successful, but it felt like there's something missing. Is this all there is? How do you go about pursuing a second act? Can you pursue a second act? Can that be more fulfilling, more lived on purpose, dedicated to serving others? That's the quiet crucible, those, "Is this all there is" moments. A couple of ones stick out to me where it picked the one that you want to talk about. Robert Miller, who was a successful lawyer but never stopped wanting to be a rockstar, or Nancy Volpe Beringer, who as a young girl wanted to make clothes or play with making clothes, and she wasn't able to do that.

She became a union rep, did that for her whole career, but in retirement, got on Project Runway, became a fashion designer and found her calling. So there's a case of people who in their second act, even late in life, found that life of significance that you talk about so often.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, it's an interesting category, the quiet crucible. We delved into this quite a bit in our E-course second act significance. What we found is there are people that it wasn't necessarily a searing, devastating crucible, a mistake, a setback. It was this feeling of being stuck. Even in my own life, I talk about my cubicle moment in which in the early 2000s, I was working for an aviation services company in Maryland, and this is just kind of pre-internet, so they didn't really know who I was. Of course, I didn't really advertise it and Australia is a long way away, but after a number of years working there, I felt like I was playing small. From my faith perspective, I felt like God had given me talents, abilities, and I wasn't really using them all, getting good performance grades, but I just felt like there's more than what I'm doing and so, I left.

Yeah, that quiet crucible and Robert Miller is a great example. His family was musical. His dad I think played the trumpet. So he had these visions of playing in a rock band, but he then became a lawyer, I think it was corporate bankruptcy law in New York City. As he puts it, the problem he had was, he was too successful. He was really good at what he did. He was bringing in lots of money. Well, how do you stop that when you're doing very well and can afford a nice lifestyle for yourself and your family? Most people don't, and I'm not judging or criticizing that at all. I get it. Eventually, as the decades wore on, and I think it was close to 60, it's like, "I would really like to try that rock band," which for most people would sound insane at that time of life.

I mean, talk about the country club. Can you imagine saying to other partners in the boardroom at whatever law firm he was in, "Hey, I'm thinking about quitting and starting a rock band." It's like, "Excuse me."




Gary Schneeberger:

Right.




Warwick Fairfax:

I mean, been in an accident, what is your problem here? I mean, it just wouldn't go down too well but he did. He got a band together almost like on Craigslist, advertised with folks, and now, he has this successful jazz Latin fusion band, and he has his own podcast that's very successful, interviews a lot of musicians and talks about vision. Yeah, I mean these folks, whether it's him or Nancy Volpe Beringer, they felt like I'm doing okay. And Nancy was working for an education union in New Jersey, and it's like, yeah, I'm doing well and I'm getting paid a fair amount of money for what I'm doing because I'm making a good contribution. Both of them is like, "Is this all there is?" And if you just stay at your job, and it's not a judgment but if you feel like, "Is this all there is," you never want to be on your deathbed thinking, "I wish I would've tried this. I didn't. I left something on the table." It just gnaws away at your soul.

It's a different kind of crucible, but that gnawing away your soul of, "I could have tried this, but I didn't," that's painful in a different way, but those emotions, I don't know if they're excruciating, but they can certainly be painful, this sense of I could have tried, but I never tried. What if, what if, what if, what if. It's a terrible haunting thing to think of.




Gary Schneeberger:

So those are the five types of crucibles that we at Beyond the Crucible have interacted with, interviewed people with. We've gone through some of those ourselves. The business crucible, the physical crucible, the life crucible, the emotional crucible, and the quiet crucible. Now, here's the point in the show that's phenomenally fun because out of those five types that we just discussed, and you just heard us talk about wildly different people who were in those ... who've been through those experiences, we've discovered ... again, there's that word discovered. We've discovered as we've been doing this show that there are those universalities of how you get out of the pit. How do you move beyond your crucible. And that's the three critical lessons in this blog, three critical lessons all five crucible types can teach us.

And we believe experience will bear this out from what we've found in doing this podcast, there are three critical lessons every one of these kinds of crucibles can teach us. So let's go through those one at a time. I'm going to read the whole thing as it appears in the blog, the whole description. Then, I'll ask you to talk about it Warwick. The first one is this, mindset is everything. Our guests have universally come to view their crucibles, not as things that happen to them, but as things that have happened for them. The traumas and tragedies they've experienced, they've come to believe, do not define them, but have refined them. Developing that perspective we have discovered through this show is the only way to build a ladder to climb out of the pit. What's your reaction to that?




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, I mean, this is profoundly true. It's sort of related to the word choice that we use a lot. When something happens to you, whether it's setback, failure, physical, emotional, crucible, whatever it is, you can be angry and bitter and say, "This was unfair. I was an idiot. I was just ... I'm a terrible person. What they did to me was so unfair," and just be wrapped in a cauldron of bitterness and anger, as we often say on Beyond the Crucible, it's like drinking poison. It just erodes your soul or you can say what happened to me, whether it's a physical emotional crucible, it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, what I did was wrong, but that's happened and there can be life altering circumstances and consequences, but how do I move forward? I think the key for many, if not, all of our guests, is just that phrase that you said so well, that it didn't happen to them, it happened for them, is how can I use this crucible that happened to me to help others?

Back to one of the first folks we discussed, David Charbonnet. He wasn't able to be a Navy SEAL anymore because he was paralyzed. He was a paraplegic, but he then as I mentioned, ran this clinic for vets in Southern California, in San Diego. So he has a mission. He can say to these other vets, I know what you're going through. I get it. You're not the same as you were. There's a sense of loss, anger, bitterness. I was there too. I can't solve all of those things, but what I can do is with this equipment, is give you maximum range of movement that is possible with the technology that exists today. That gives people some level of hope. These elite warriors, it's like, "Okay, I've got a mission here to be as functional as I can, and hopefully beyond that, to have a mission of helping others."

So mindset is everything. Mindset, in fact, in some sense, changes everything. If you just say, "Okay, what happened was awful," but the ultimate mindset shift is when you can achieve the Stacey Copas level of mindset shift and say, in some sense, I'm grateful for what happened because I would not have been the same person that I am today without that. I wish it hadn't happened, but yet in some sense, I'm grateful because it's made me a better person. It's refined my character, it's made it better in some ways.




Gary Schneeberger:

I love how this just worked out. Listen, that's how I'm going to play the last two. I'm going to ask the question. I'm going to read the statement from the blog. I'm going to throw it to you. I mean, this is your life. This is your life's work now. This is your life's legacy that we're building right here. So I'm not going to talk much more than what I'm saying right now. I'm going to read what's in the blog, point two and then I'm going to throw it to you, Warwick. Point two is this, don't go it alone. Moving beyond your crucible is a team sport, what our podcast guests have done, what Warwick stresses is so important to do is to find and lean into fellow travelers, families, friends, colleagues, professional counselors and coaches will provide insights and strategies to help you find the strength and resilience to rise out of the pit. Go.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, it's also so true when you're in that pit, in your worst moment, you need a friend. I think of a recent guest, Adam Vibe Gunton. He was in a very bad way, being addicted to heroin, and a lot of people tried to help him and finally, he found somebody that would just sit with him and be, didn't try and fix him, didn't try and say, "I've got these five points. Hey, maybe that substance abuse program you went through didn't work, but I've got this great one. It'll work guaranteed in five easy steps over a week, and you'll be healed forever." And just almost like a used car salesman, which it's never that easy, whether it's substance abuse or the kind of heroin addiction that Adam Vibe Gunton had. He had somebody that would just sit with him and be with him and be his friend and just listened, grieved.

That was a game changer for him to have that kind of friend that didn't judge him, but was with him in the pit and in the pain. That really helped him get out of it as he found also a mission to help others. So just having people in there with you is huge. Certainly in my own life I had ... it wasn't easy, especially in the 90s, people tried to help me, but I wasn't easy to help, but certainly for me, it really starts with my wife, Gail. We've been married, gosh, it'll be 34 years later this month. She has always been my greatest advocate and didn't judge me for the mistakes I made. Loved me unconditionally. That's a great gift that I appreciate, no end. I mean, having fellow travelers, as you try to climb out of that pit who will listen to you, won't judge you, won't try and fix you, but will be there to help you and encourage you.

And as you're saying, I'm a screw-up. I'm an awful person. It's like, "Yep, you may have made mistakes," but certainly from my faith paradigm, a helpful comment to me would be, "God loves you. Yes, there are consequences of your actions, but we're all loved unconditionally by our Creator from my perspective." Just who can encourage you and say, look, "Okay, you made some mistakes, but look, you've got a lot of strengths and there are things you can do to help others." And just that sense of not being alone and having somebody that believes in you and will encourage you, that is like rocket fuel that can absolutely increase your ability to get out of that pit and be functional and contribute to society.




Gary Schneeberger:

Point three in the three critical lessons all five crucible types can teach us is this take the first right step, then the next right step. Very few of our guests have gone from tragedy to triumph in a one and done leap. This is not a time for Evil Knievel to jump over 35 buses, right? It's an incremental gains are the order of the day for recovery. As you allow your crucible to teach you more about how you are designed, what you're off the charts passionate about, you can begin to set your feet on the path of what a life of significance looks like for you. It will not just lead you out of the pit, it will lead you to a life lived on purpose, dedicated to serving others, your thoughts.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, I think back to another episode in my journey in the 90s after the failure of the 2.2 billion dollars takeover, my wife is American, we moved to Annapolis, Maryland. We've been here ever since 30 years ago or so. Through the first part of the 90s, I sent out resumes. I mean, there was no work for an ex-media mogul. It's like, "I'm humble, I work harder. Sure, right? Whatever." I was unemployable. It was just ... yeah, we had some savings fortunately, but it was terrible. So eventually, I got kind of desperate as much for just having a job for my own sense of self-worth and something to do during the day that wasn't just the mind-numbing, sending out resumes and hearing crickets. So I went to a temp agency in Maryland and they said, "Well, let's test you on Microsoft Excel," because back in the day when I worked in Chase Manhattan Bank and banking after Oxford, before business school, I was actually pretty good at Excel.

I guess I must have done well. He says, "Well, you're pretty good at this. We can find you a temp job for a couple of months in Columbia, Maryland for the headquarters, the US headquarters of HEAD sports that make skis and tennis rackets and a few other things." So they needed help with some budgeting. It was sort of close to summer, but a lot of people do budgeting around August depending on your fiscal year and all. So that led to then me, getting a temp job at a local aviation services job, that became a permanent job. The point of that story is, that first step was going to that temp agency, swallow my pride and get a couple of month temp job because I was pretty good at Excel. For somebody with a Harvard MBA that feels like a lot of rungs below where I should have been.

So far below, I'm like on Mount Everest or was I on Mount Everest. I'm trying to look down through the clouds, down to sea level, and it's so far down I can't even see that far. Even a telescope probably wouldn't let me see that far. It felt that way but desperate times calls for desperate measures. Another example I can think of is Eric and Emily Orton. Eric was involved in the Wicked Production, a theater production and was doing very well. He started with a producer, another play that ended up folding and it just wiped him out financially. So he has a temporary job in the top of some Manhattan skyscraper in New York City. He's looking out on the Hudson River and he sees a sailboat and he's thinking, "I think I'd like to learn to sail."

Now, where's that going to lead? I mean, it ended up leading to taking his whole family around the Caribbean on the sailboat. Then, he has this whole business called the Awesome Factory of helping people achieve their dreams, but that first step was, I think I'd like to learn how to sail. How in the world is that going to help? I don't think he had any clue, but he felt in his gut this was the first step. Often that first step, that first right step is often the hardest step and was for Eric Orton. It was for me to swallow my pride and go to that temp agency and be willing to get just temporary job at HEAD sports. So the first step is often key, and it's often the hardest. You got to trust yourself, trust the process because it can be that first big step no matter how small that step is to getting out of the pit.




Gary Schneeberger:

And one of the great things at ... I mean, we are here at Beyond the Crucible, we're here to help people do these things, to help them understand that they need a shift in mindset. It's one of the things the podcast does, but there's blogs and other assets that we have that can help people in that regard. We're here to be someone who can help you understand, don't go it alone. We're here to encourage them to take that first step and then that next right step. You have a series right now, that's going on on social media where you talk about take the next right step, take the next right step. Here's what it looks like. It's a team sport. I think you'd agree, Warwick, we're all wearing the same uniforms for the listeners. We're on their team. We want to help them move beyond their crucible to a life of significance.

So as we wrap up here, let me just go back over. We talked about three critical lessons all five crucible types can teach us. Those three critical lessons where mindset is everything. Don't go it alone. Take the first step, then the next right step. We also unpacked five different crucible types, the business crucible, the physical crucible, the life crucible, the emotional crucible, and the quiet crucible. It's a lot of information, but here's what I hope you take out of it, and that's this, all kinds of circumstances lead to crucibles, but the emotions tend to kind of group together a little bit. That I think from my perspective, offers great hope that they're not insurmountable. The fact that we have done ... this is our 166th show, the fact that we've done that is a pretty good sign that they are not insurmountable because we keep finding people who have surmounted them, who have overcome them.

Before I get into the reflection questions that end every podcast we do that's based on a blog, Warwick, I want to ask you the question, you ask guests all the time, as the host of Beyond the Crucible, what is a message of hope on this subject, on critical lessons to learn as you go through five crucible types, what is a message of hope you want to offer to our listeners who are going through it right now, who were in the bottom of the pit or somewhere from the bottom of the pit to the top of the pit right now.




Warwick Fairfax:

Yeah, I think listen to a number of the guests we've had on Beyond the Crucible. Listen to any guest really, or every guest, and I think you would find that your worst day doesn't have to define you. I think you would find there is hope. You can get out of the pit. As dark as it might seem, we had one guest back to Adam Vibe Gunton. He said the pit was so deep it was bottomless just when he thought it couldn't get worse, it did. So that's about as bad a pit as you can get. Every guest we've had has shown that your worst day, your worst setback, your worst mistake, the worst thing that was done to you, doesn't have to be the end of your story. There is a way out. So use, leverage the stories of these other guests and the lessons that they offer to say ... to help you understand that there is hope.

That first point about mindset is everything. Another way of putting it is your attitude is everything. If you say, look, the world is over. It was my fault what was done to me was awful, I'm giving up. Then it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say, "This was awful. What I did was terrible, I'm not going to let this define me. I'm not going to have my identity wrapped up in the bottom of the pit and the mud and the slime forever. I'm going to maybe believe in something more than that, whether it's God or some other philosophy, your creator. I'm going to find something worthwhile in my life to contribute to others," which is what we call a life of significance, and a mindset attitude is everything. That's probably ... when you think of what's the first right step, the first right step is changing your mindset, is changing your attitude.

It's making a choice that I'm not going to hide under the covers. I won't be defined by my worst day. I will find a way to get out of this pit. I don't know how it's going to happen. If we're going to take one step, one step, one step, I'm going to have help getting there, but I will not let this defy me or defeat me. That attitude shift, that mindset shift is the key to having hope, to getting out of the bottom of the pit and the bottom of your crucible.




Gary Schneeberger:

With that kind of wisdom and hope, listener, you'd expect maybe this guy created the whole Beyond the Crucible platform, wouldn't you? That's true, and I've been in the communications business long enough, as I say all the time. I know when the last words have been spoken, and our host and creator and founder just did speak the last word. So as we always do on these podcasts about blogs, I'm going to leave you, listener with some reflection questions you can go through to apply what you've heard in this show and what you can read on the blog, which is at beyondthecrucible.com. The first question is this, of the five crucible experience types listed in this blog, in what category would you place your most challenging setback or failure, as you're looking to plot your crucible on those five crucible types that we listed, where would you put it?

Unpack a little bit, why would you put it there? Why does it feel like that's where it belongs? Second question is this. As you think about your most challenging crucible, in what ways did it happen for you, not to you? How can you use those learnings to fuel your journey beyond it? This is where a great time to jump into what Warwick encourages all the time, journaling. Write that down. Use this question too as something to start journaling about. It didn't happen to me, it happened for me. Here's why I think that, and dig in and find those lessons and apply them to getting out of the pit. Then, three, the third question is this, what's the next right step you can take on your journey to a life of significance? In some cases, it may be the first right step you have to take, but what is that step?

And then commit to taking it. Commit to doing it, right? A step thought of isn't a step, it's just an idea. A step acted on is indeed a step. What Warwick has described, what we've tried to unpack here on this show and what the blog talks about is that's the goal. Start moving. To get out of a pit, you have to start moving, start moving upward, then start moving outward. What you'll discover is what we know to be true from all the episodes of this show that your crucible experiences, like we said right here in this episode, they don't define you, they refine you. They're not the worst day of your life. They do not, it can feel like it for sure, we know that, but you have hope of moving beyond it and it becoming the best day of your life because the destination it can lead to. If you dig in, learn the lessons, take those steps, one foot in front of the other. Where you'll end up is the best destination you can hope for and that is a life of significance.

If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond the Crucible. Visit our website beyondthecrucible.com to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start, our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible, and to chart a course forward. See you next week.