If you’ve been listening to our special winter series BURN THE SHIPS, you’ll know why we’ve turned the microphones on ourselves this week. It’s because we’ve made our own pivot – changing our business name from Crucible Leadership to the name of this podcast, Beyond the Crucible.
While the change is more a remodeling of our ship than setting it ablaze, it does indeed signal an expanded vision that speaks to our new focus and the new inspiration and action steps we can offer you as you embark on your journey to turn your trials into triumph.
In this episode we talk about the benefits of the new name, including more precisely articulating our desire to offer hope and healing not just to business leaders, but to anyone in search of insights and tools to make sure that their worst days don’t define them.
To explore Beyond the Crucible assets, visit beyondthecrucible.com
To start creating a life you love, explore our new e-course, Discover Your Second-Act Significance, by visiting secondactsignificance.com
Highlights
- Crucible Leadership’s backstory (4:58)
- How the vision for Crucible Leadership grew over time (11:28)
- The birth of Warwick’s passion for leadership (16:13)
- The ways Warwick’s vision has morphed over time (20:06)
- The importance of the Second-Act Significance series (22:49)
- Blog Point No. 1: We wanted to make clear we don’t just serve business leaders (24:45)
- The “barrier” created by Crucible Leadership (31:57)
- Blog point No. 2: We wanted to emphasize our pivot from primarily telling Warwick’s story and the stories of other leaders to helping you live out yours (33:28)
- Our data that reveals the prevalence of crucibles (37:09)
- Blog point No. 3: We wanted to offer you more and deeper opportunities to interact with us (44:59)
- Warwick’s final thoughts (50:42)
Transcript
Gary Schneeberger:
We've seen so much interest in our special 23% off offer for our e-course, Discover Your Second-Act Significance, that we're continuing it throughout February. The three module video course will equip you to transform your life from, "Is this all there is?" to, "This is all I've ever wanted." Each session is led by Beyond the Crucible founder Warwick Fairfax, who shares his own hard won successes in turning trials into triumphs.
And he's got some high-powered help, from USA Today's Gratitude Guru, to a runner up on TV's Project Runway. From a recording artist with a Billboard number one album, to a couple of bestselling authors. It's an ensemble of men and women living significant second acts, who would command a six figure price tag if any business wanted to fill an auditorium with them to coach their employees.
But we've packed their insights and action steps into our course for a sliver of that cost. And if you act before the end of February, you'll get 23% off your enrollment. Just visit secondactsignificance.com and use the code, "23FOR23". So don't delay. Enroll today and remember, life's too short to live a life you don't love. Now, here's today's podcast episode.
Warwick Fairfax:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Beyond the Crucible. By saying Crucible Leadership, it created a barrier potentially. People might think, well, I'm not really a leader. And we can say, well, actually, everybody that has a vision coming out of their crucible is a leader because it's, as you said, leadership from the boardroom to the living room. And we can say all that, but you don't really get through the wall of people's thinking, of people's perceptions.
You say Crucible Leadership. I'm not a leader. So we don't even get to have a conversation because they stop there, and if they don't get in the door, you can't really have a conversation. So Beyond the Crucible, more help people understand, okay, this is about getting beyond my worst day. Got it. So the word Crucible Leadership from a branding perspective, more than just branding from allowing people to receive guidance, assistance, help. The word leadership created a wall that maybe some people might not go through because, oh, I'm not a leader. That's not for me.
Gary Schneeberger:
If you've been listening to our special winter series, BURN THE SHIPS, about men and women who've had the courage to pivot from safe and in many ways steady lives to new adventures that bring them satisfaction and significance, you'll know why we've turned the microphones on ourselves this week. It's because we've made our own pivot, changing our business name from Crucible Leadership to the name of this podcast, Beyond the Crucible.
While as we explain the change is more a remodeling of our ship than setting it ablaze, it does indeed signal an expanded vision that speaks to our new focus and the new inspiration and action steps, we can offer you as you embark on your journey to turn your trials into triumph.
Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. Warwick and I talk in detail here about the benefits of the new name, including more precisely articulating our desire, to offer hope and healing to not just business leaders, but to anyone in search of insights and tools to make sure that their worst days don't define them. You'll learn all about it here and in the new blog at beyondthecrucible.com.
Warwick Fairfax:
Anybody that owns a home will know that over time you actually have to remodel. You replace your roof every 20, 30 years, maybe you need to replace some flooring, carpeting. Things don't last forever, and remodeling is part of life, for at least many people.
Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. And in many cases it happens because your family expands. It happens because you've perhaps moved and you have to remodel the home that you're in because it no longer exactly fits where you're at in life. And that's what's happened as I get ahead of myself. That's what's happened from Crucible Leadership to Beyond the Crucible. So stick with us listener. We're going to get into the details of what we're talking about and how that came to be.
So it's like, if you remember Prince, he changed his name and he became The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. We're going to talk today about the brand, formerly known as Crucible Leadership and where it's at now as Beyond the Crucible. But what we're going to start is where we always start, when we talk to guests and that is, what's the backstory? But it's not of a person this time, it's of that brand. It's of that brand, Beyond the Crucible. What was the formation that had started as Crucible Leadership?
So Warwick, you've talked a lot about your backstory, you've talked a lot about your history, you've talked a lot about those things. But what was the impetus for starting what was then called Crucible Leadership?
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. It's a good question, Gary. I mean just, I know listeners know this, but just to level set us very briefly, the reason leadership was my passion was because I grew up in this 150 year old family media business, started by my great-great-grandfather, John Fairfax in 1841. Grew to be a massive $750 million 4,000 person media company, newspapers, TV, radio stations, magazines.
Had the Australian equivalent of the New York Times, Washington Post, Wall Street Journal. Massive company. Dad died in early '87, fresh from Harvard Business School. I launched a $2.25 billion takeover later in '87. Prepared my whole life to go in the family business. Undergrad degree at Oxford. Worked on Wall Street. Harvard Business School. All to fulfill what I saw as my duty. And my parents and I felt the company wasn't being well managed and run along the ideals of the founders. So hence with my naive, idealistic crusader mentality, launched this couple bidding dollar takeover.
And of course things went wrong from the start. Family members sold out. They didn't believe in me or my vision. Who wants to be in a company controlled by a 26 year old. Stock market crash in '87. Too much debt. Three years later, despite bringing in new management and increasing operating profits, the company went bankrupt. So that's actually one of the briefest versions of my story I've ever told.
So where Crucible Leadership came from was obviously for many years this was a tough thing to get over. I felt like I'd let my family down. Parents, employees, even God for some strange way since I was a believer and the founder was a believer and I guess I felt like there was some plan that I botched which little simplistic theology on my part.
Anyway, '90s were not easy years but come around about 2008, the pastor of my church asked me to give a talk in church about my story. So I did. And what was amazing is weeks, months after people said, "Warwick, your story and the lessons learned, it really helped me." And as I often say, I don't think there were any former medium moguls in the congregation.
It's one thing to talk about cancer, abuse, physical challenges. They are sadly all too common. There will be people in any given audience that can say, "Yeah, me too. Thank you. You made me feel heard. You made me feel seen. Thank you." This is not a common story. So that led me to think about writing my book. I never wanted to write a tell-all saying, "Oh is me. I was right. They were wrong, because that's lame and boring," and it's against my values.
I just refused to do that. But if I can write a book anchored by my story that will help people, then I felt called to do it. It took years to write, years to get it published and writing about your worst, most painful days is not easy. After a couple hours, I was done. So that was what happened.
So I wrote this book, Crucible Leadership: Embrace Your Trials to Lead a Life for Significance. That's a tagline at the bottom, which says, at age 26, he launched a $2.25 billion takeover bid that failed. What could have broken him, set him on the road toward significance. So it's always been about significance, but I felt called to write a leadership book.
So this book is anchored by my story, but it's got stories of my dad and, John Fairfax, my great-great-grandfather, the founder, stories of historical leaders and inspirational and faith leaders. And it's all anchored around key principles of leadership. So you've got chapters on authenticity in the embrace your crucible section, and then finding your purpose. Chapters about faith and character and values.
You've got chapters about vision, shared vision, how to get a group of people on the same page, listening more broadly, seeking advice from a few, organizational leadership, how you cultivate an environment where people thrive and are encouraged and implementation. It was all around leadership. That was my original passion, was how to help leaders at all levels be the best leaders they can be. And often the secrets of great leaders is the lessons they learned in their darkest days, whether it's Abraham Lincoln on the Civil War, Winston Churchill, Prime Minister of Britain in World War II. Severe crucibles test a leader, and those who have the potential for greatness, it makes them greater leaders.
So it was all about leadership and how crucibles can be catalytic in helping leaders become greater leaders. So that was the original vision of what we do here.
Gary Schneeberger:
And in the context of a series that we're calling BURN THE SHIPS, I want you to do something for me. I want you to hold the book up again. So that book, Crucible Leadership: Embrace Your Trials to Lead a Life of Significance, is what led to the launching of the ships for Crucible Leadership. In a very real sense, that book is the bottle of champagne that you used to crack across the boat to get it going. That was the inspiration. That was all of the information that came out when Crucible Leadership was brought into being.
But we learned some things. You learned some things as we went through the initial days. A lot of things changed from the time that you gave that speech in church, to the time that you then decided you're going to write the book, to the time that you found a publisher to publish the book. And then the time that creating the... I mean, lots of things changed. Talk about those a little bit because what it speaks to is what we talk to on this show a lot, and that is the expansion, the growth of a vision, the progression of a vision.
Warwick Fairfax:
The brand Crucible Leadership, if you will, grew. We write blogs, you and me and sometimes others. We post on social media regularly. Podcast grew, which has been, I don't know, is it a third year? It feels like it's a while now, isn't it?
Gary Schneeberger:
It started four years ago. Yeah.
Warwick Fairfax:
Wow.
Gary Schneeberger:
Four years ago.
Warwick Fairfax:
Boy, time flies.
Gary Schneeberger:
It's like that, isn't it? Its like that.
Warwick Fairfax:
Exactly. So amongst other things, I'm a certified executive coach, so I really enjoy questions and interviewing. And you, Gary, just a former life, have had a lot of experience on radio and newspapers so it just was... And we're complementary, have different personalities, different gifts, but I'd like to think we're a good combination.
Gary Schneeberger:
I would agree.
Warwick Fairfax:
Thank you. So the book, the blog, social media, the podcast, and now we have an e-course, Second-Act Significance. So it was originally a book and then well, to promote the book and get it published, you need a brand, you need a following. And then it's like, well, another way to tell good stories is through a podcast. So the brand and the vision, it definitely expanded from just a book. It expanded into a number of different activities that we do.
Gary Schneeberger:
And as those things have gone on, there's been some consistency. We want to make sure that people understand that even though we have remodeled the ship that was previously known as Crucible Leadership, we've remodeled it, added some decks, changed the way that, added coat a paint here and there, even though we've changed the name of Crucible Leadership to Beyond the Crucible, before we get into what those differences are, let's talk about what the similarities are that still remain. And that is, you discovered and shared in your book some key principles. Those key principles about both how to lead others in a professional context and how to lead yourself and your day-to-day life. Those remain. That's in the hardcore DNA of this brand that you built regardless of the name that's attached to it, isn't it?
Warwick Fairfax:
That's a very good point. Authenticity, being truly who you are, that's something for leaders or for individuals is important. We talk a lot about, young people sometimes feel the pressure and stress to be who their parents, friends, teachers want them to be. Maybe go be a doctor, lawyer, what have you. And we talk about just being authentic to who you are.
We talked about living in light of your design. So if you love the arts, for instance, just going to be an actuary in an accounting firm, nothing wrong with that, but why would you do that? Even if your parents maybe had some small accounting firm for instance, or some insurance, brokerage, it makes no sense. So living in light of your beliefs and values, it could be a religion, philosophy, way of thought. You want to be true to who you are. You want to have a vision that's unique to you. I mean, there's a team of fellow travelers to help you implement it.
So what applies to an organization or a leader of a large organization is true for individuals. So those principles such as authenticity, character, beliefs, vision, they haven't gone away. And we'll talk with this being a bit of a shift, which we'll talk about, but some of the core elements in the book are still true.
Gary Schneeberger:
Absolutely. And there's still much for people who are in leadership positions and organizations to glean from Beyond the Crucible. But there's also been some addition. It is not an either/or leadership or self development. It's a both/and. Both of those things are robustly discussed, robustly revealed in the way that Beyond the Crucible is now moving forward.
All right, so we're talking a lot about a change, from being almost exclusively at least referring to ourselves as being about leadership, talking about leadership, about giving tools for leaders, to this shift to Beyond the Crucible, which expands that base. But before we move on to that, it would be, I think really instructive for listeners to know this question. And I don't know that anyone has ever asked you this as directly as I'm about to, and that's this. Where did Warwick Fairfax's passion for leadership come from? Where did it start? How did it develop? Why is it there?
Warwick Fairfax:
So part of my passion for leadership was almost inherited. It was my duty in a sense to lead this large company. I guess really where I felt like I was being thrust into the front lines, if you will. My dad was removed as chairman by some other family members in 1976. And then my future role was, it was imminent. It felt imminent even though I was 15 at the time. Oxford, Wall Street, Harvard Business School, and even as a teenager, people would ask me, "Well, what is it you want to do in life?"
Some people at that point they might say, fireman, policeman, maybe they say, yeah, I'd love to be a concert pianist or I'd love to, I don't know. Work in advertising, maybe gets a little bit more defined as you start getting into your late teenage years, you have some clue about what you want to do. But I always answered this in a strange way. I said, "I want to be a general manager." How many kids say that? None.
You'd be, I'm going to be an actuary. I'm going to be a general manager. I'm going to, I don't know, whatever it is. But the reason is because I felt general managers were people that cared for and encouraged people. That's how I viewed it. So in my mind's eye, and this is going to sound a bit silly, I saw myself even as a teenager one day being a leading position in the company, as it then it was John Fairfax Limited, giving speeches to the employees. Not other people, but the employees encouraging them. Telling them that they mattered, creating an environment in which they could flourish and succeed and be respected.
So leadership to me was about creating an environment where people could be encouraged to be the best they could be within their gifting and flourish and succeed. It was all very altruistic. It wasn't about profits and business visions and goals, it was none of that. It was about having people be cared for. So when you understand that the shift is maybe not as surprising since I'm all about helping people, maybe individuals, be the best they can be, and now obviously overcome crucibles, overcome setbacks and failure.
Gary Schneeberger:
And it's so interesting to hear you talk about you were 15, and you wanted to be a general manager and this is what you thought a general manager did, this is how you envisioned it. Fast forward to the start of Crucible Leadership, that's what your book does. That's what you have aimed to do with this business is to encourage people, to care for people. We talk about it all the time. Hope and healing. We are dealers in hope. I've heard you say, if I've heard you say it once, I've heard you say it 200 times. That life trajectory maybe got bumped off course a little bit, but you've stayed on it for sure.
Now that you've said that, and I've set this up, that vision from the outset for leadership that's morphed. Even the leadership components of Crucible Leadership, that's morphed over time. How has that happened? In what ways that maybe listeners either have seen and haven't pulled all the balloon strings together or they haven't seen. How has that morphed over time?
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. We'll get into more detail here in a moment, but at a high level, what happened to us and to me is really a good example of how visions tend to morph, expand, be refined, and that's what happened. You've got to listen to your inner voice, to the spirit, to God, whatever your construct is. And what happened in particular as we recorded podcast episodes, some were leaders, some were just individuals, and we weren't just recording stories about leadership crises. Some were very personal tragedies, which will get into.
We began using words like, you are not defined by your worst day. That wasn't a phrase that existed in the then Crucible Leadership lexicon before we started recording podcasts. It just came out of our discussions with guests. And we found that it was very personal. How do individuals overcome their worst day setbacks and failures? It could be their fault or it could be something terrible that was done to them. How do they find drops of grace, drops of redemption? To use that pain for a purpose, to often out of the ashes of a crucible have a vision that would help others?
Now, yes I suppose you could call it leadership in some ways, but it was really more the focus whilst on organizations or management or creating shared vision and what have you that's in the book. The focus is on if today's your worst day, how do you get out of the pit and redeem some of the pain that you've been through in a way that helps others, which we call a life of significance. So basically the change was already happening without us realizing it. It was happening organically in large part because of our discussions on the Beyond the Crucible podcast.
Gary Schneeberger:
And one of the things I think that really sticks out for me that really expanded that vision was the Second-Act Significance series. The idea that crucibles aren't always these devastating big headline - you and I both have newspaper backgrounds - there aren't always this 87 point type headline of some tragedy that's happened to you. It's a more internal tragedy. It's what we've come to call a quiet crucible. It's that, is this all there is moment. I can be doing more. It's your cubicle moment. I'm playing small. There's something else that I can be doing.
Those things again, they were not in the original vision, but as we walked out the vision, as you walked out the vision, those things stuck to you like, let's keep talking about ships. Like barnacles to a ship. As the ship's going through the waters, they clung to you and we kept talking about them and talking about them and the time came to formally do what we had been doing informally. And that was add a little bit of breadth into this vision that you hatched that was working so well.
So it is truly not an either/or from leadership to personal growth, it's a both/and. Absolutely, there are things in Beyond the Crucible for leaders of organizations. There's also things in there for people who are trying to lead their families. A phrase I came up with, way at the beginning, Warwick five years ago, that we haven't used much, but leaders in right from the boardroom to the living room. That turned out to be a little prescient in the sense that it's not just about business leadership, it's also about life leadership, leading yourself, helping yourself be resilient, moving that way through those kinds of things.
So all of this, I should have said at the beginning, and I didn't, but you mentioned blog a few minutes ago and I'm like, oh, all of this is tied to a blog that will soon be, if not already on the Beyond the Crucible website, beyondthecrucible.com, will be there shortly. Which discusses exactly what we're talking about here, why the change in name and what you, the listener to this podcast and the reader of those blogs and the engager of the content that we offer, what you can get from it.
So that blog will unpack a lot of what we're talking about here today. And just to show that those of us who work at Beyond the Crucible, go through crucibles continually, I'm not looking at my phone because I'm not paying attention, I'm looking at my phone because this is where the blog lives right now because ice storms have knocked out my power at my house and I can't print it out. So I'm going to go to the blog here on my phone.
The blog is all about, as we've been talking, this not burning the ships so much as remodeling the ships. Why did we remodel? And there's three points Warwick that we wanted to talk about. And the first one is, we wanted to make clear, that we don't just serve business leaders. Again, it's not that we don't serve business leaders, we do, but it's a both/and, it's business leaders and its personal development. We have to your very excellent point that you've made as we've been talking, we've expanded the vision. How has that developed and what's exciting to you about that development, about that expansion?
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. I mean it's well said. I mean, yes, we're happy to in one sense serve individual business leaders, but we're less focused on organizational leadership, which is important. And there's definitely some of that in my book, Crucible Leadership. But we're really focused on individual leadership and just through the stories on our podcast Beyond the Crucible. We really focused on stories of redemption, of forgiveness, people forgiving themselves, forgiving others, which of course as we say does not mean condoning, learning the lessons of their crucible. How do you bounce back from your worst day and lead what we call a significance of life on purpose dedicated to serving others.
So really we're not against business leaders and helping them, but we want to make sure that we want to help every individual who's been through a crucible or as we're saying Second-Act Significance is feeling stuck, and is going through, and is this all there is moment? Want to help them get through those setbacks and challenges, to have a life that's flourishing and feeling with joy and fulfillment, which we believe is ultimately what we call a life significance. Again, a life on purpose, dedicating serving others. So we wanted to help people realize, it's not just about leaders of large businesses and organizations. We want to help all people get beyond their worst day and live a life of significance.
Gary Schneeberger:
And the thing that sticks out for me on that front of a guest who had a physical - she was not a business leader, she had a physical crucible - but the lesson that she shared is something that the head of a Fortune 500 company can apply to his or her own crucible experience. And that's Stacey Copas who said of her becoming paralyzed when she dove into an inground pool, and even though she wasn't supposed to when she was young, she did it anyway. She became paralyzed.
She came after some serious crucibles, drug addiction, just being listless. She viewed what happened to her as a gift, because all the things that developed in her personal life and how she was able to build some new ships wouldn't have happened without that. I think that lesson is true. That lesson can apply to people going through a divorce. This is a gift. I can learn something from this that will make my life better moving forward. That's true both for the individual, who's just trying to live life day-to-day to the business leaders trying to lead 10,000 people in a company, isn't it?
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. It's such a good point, Gary. I mean, Stacey Copas, this Australian woman who dove into a pool and was diagnosed, as a quadriplegic? I'm trying to remember back then.
Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah. It was a paraplegic, I believe.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, paraplegic. Yeah. So that was just amazing because to say what she went through is a gift, I think what she means is, nobody wants to go through something like that, going through that level of crucible. But yet within the pain there is a gift, maybe the hardest, most painful gift you've ever received, but it's something that can make you a better person.
It really focused her on her priorities and it made her a different person as a coach, as a consultant. And a number of folks since have said that and it made me, I guess, grow and expand and refine my own thinking about my own life. We're talking about a vision, expanding, refining and growing. And I never would've said a few years ago, maybe not even a year ago, what I went through was a gift. But now you said what I went through was a gift and it was in some senses I've said deliverance, which is a word I didn't use until about a year ago from almost the bondage of a family business when I was being somebody that I wasn't. I'm now free to be who I am and from my perspective who God designed me to be.
It was a hard gift, but I love what I do now with Beyond the Crucible and trying to help people in every way we can. But yeah, crucibles, they can be a gift, if you allow them to. And that's something that we learned from listening to folks. So that's one of the things I love about Beyond the Crucible is we're continuing to learn and grow, not just the brand, but our own personal knowledge. Just from listening to people's stories.
Gary Schneeberger:
And what that means in the context of this series, BURN THE SHIPS, we'll call it for this episode, *remodel the ships, because we didn't burn any. But we're remodeling it. It's artwork you can use to hang on your walls to remind you of those waypoints that you've found out there. What Stacey Copas said, that was a painting you hung on the wall of your ship as you kept moving forward because that's a reminder of that truth that applies to business leaders and to individuals.
Before we move on to the second point of the blog, is there anything else Warwick that you want to add about this? The first point here that we wanted to make clear that we're not just about business leaders, we're about personal development as well.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. No, other than to say just by saying Crucible Leadership, it created a barrier potentially. People might think, well, I'm not really a leader. And we could say, well, actually, everybody that has a vision coming out of their crucible is a leader because it's you and as you said, leadership from the boardroom to the living room. Now we can say all that, but you don't really get through the wall of people's thinking, of people's perceptions.
You say Crucible Leadership, I'm not a leader. So we don't even get to have the conversation because they stop there. And if they don't get in the door, you can't really have a conversation. So Beyond the Crucible, more help people understand, okay, this is about getting beyond my worst day. Got it. So the word Crucible Leadership from a branding perspective, more than just branding, from allowing people to receive guidance, assistance, help, the word leadership created a wall that maybe some people might not go through because oh, I'm not a leader, that's not for me.
Even though you and I have a different definition of leader, then perhaps some might, some people think, leadership just means leading a big organization, big company, big nonprofit. That's not me therefore, Crucible Leadership can't help me. So there was a perceptual barrier that the word leadership, as much as I believe in leadership and good leadership, that perceptual barrier I think could have prevented people from coming in. That was a big reason for the, or one of the big reasons for the shift.
Gary Schneeberger:
So the second point in the blog is this. We wanted to emphasize our pivot from primarily telling Warwick's story and the stories of other leaders, to helping you live out your story, listener. That really is a critical pivot, that it's beyond just telling stories. We tell stories, but we also offer true aids to help you as you go forward.
Those things have just developed organically as to your point, Warwick, from when you were 15. You wanted to help people. That's what general managers do. They help people. You wanted to do that. It developed naturally the remodeling of the Crucible Leadership ship to the Beyond the Crucible ship really is about recognizing that there are teachable moments within those stories. Let's extract those teachable moments and put them in the arsenal of the folks that we're serving, right?
Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely, Gary. I mean really, you know, the book started with my story, the story of my father, John Fairfax and founder of the media company, stories of historical and inspirational and faith leaders. And with the podcast, some people are well-known, some people are not well-known. They're just regular individuals like Stacey Copas and a number of others. So really it's evolved and we always had principles in Crucible Leadership of refine, design, vision, reality. You're refined by your crucibles, we're designed by God or your creator, have you look at it a certain way, values and beliefs. You can find vision within your crucible and then implement it with fellow travelers, friends, coworkers.
So we always had some concepts, but now we're emphasizing those a lot more so that stories are helpful, but because they illustrate points, but from those stories, we try to share as best we can, moments of inspiration, teaching, nuggets of wisdom, if you will, to the best degree we can, that we have or glean from others. And then turn those stories and those principles of inspiration into practical tools, that ultimately help you implement the learning from the stories and the inspirational points. And really our friends at SIGNAL led by Cheryl Farr, I couldn't really say it any better than what they have on the new tagline for the website and my new business card and your new business card, which says, "Beyond the Crucible, inspiration and tools to turn your trials into triumphs." If you go to the website, I'm sure that'll be all over the place.
Yes, stories are important, but it's not just my story or stories of leaders in history and faith and inspirational. It's everyday stories that we talk about all the time, on the podcast and using those stories and moments of inspiration, thoughts of inspiration, to weave all those into practical tools, to help you get beyond your worst day, to help you lead a life of significance, have a vision that you're passionate about. So it's stories, inspiration and ultimately practical tools to help you live the life you've always wanted to live.
Gary Schneeberger:
And one of the things that we learned, and it was a huge learning, maybe the biggest learning that we'll talk about in this conversation, was just how many people... I mean, you always had, we always had the idea in our heads that you weren't alone. There's a reason why the speech that you gave at church resonated with people even though you said, I don't see a lot of other former media moguls in here. Something resonated with them.
We Crucible Leadership, the name at the time commissioned a study, that's still going on, by Beyond the Crucible that found just how big that pool of folks is who have been through a crucible moment. Talk a little bit about that and what that has meant for the brand first Crucible Leadership and now especially as we begin to sail forward as Beyond the Crucible.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, I mean, we commissioned a study from David and Heather at Dark Horse Insights, and they are experts at doing statistically valid surveys. And we've received input from more than 5,200 respondents. 72% of them have experienced something so traumatic or painful that it fundamentally changed their life. And we'll talk more about this another time, but what's amazing is irrespective of demographic or age group, that number holds true, of having gone through a crucible.
It's not like, wow, it's mainly skewed to people over 50 because they've lived a long life and stuff happens. I mean, which it does. There's more opportunity for blessings and more opportunities for crucibles, the longer you live. But what's amazing is it basically says there's over a 70% chance that you, the people that you love, your family, the people that you work through, have gone through a devastating crucible. You may know about it, you may not know about it, but that is part of life.
So when we talk about, how do you bounce back from your worst day, that just doesn't apply to 1% of the population. It's like, everybody else is living in Disneyland, and let's deal with the 1% who have had a challenge. No, when you define it in terms of something so traumatic that have fundamentally changed their life, that doesn't include necessarily the people that we talk about in Second-Act Significance that maybe their life is okay, but it feels like it's black and white and they want technicolor, and it's like they want to go from, is this all there is to this is all I want, which, phrase that you coined. So credit Gary Schneeberger, it's a brilliant phrase.
Gary Schneeberger:
Thank you.
Warwick Fairfax:
But yeah, I mean doesn't even include the Second-Act Significance folks necessarily. So what it says is, this whole concept of coming back from your worst day or challenges, there's a massive need for that. Over 70% of folks have gone through significant challenges.
Gary Schneeberger:
And to your point earlier about maybe the word leadership and Crucible Leadership was a barrier of some sorts to people, Beyond the Crucible perhaps opens up those doors for more of that 72% of the people who've been through that to walk through. The other thing that is critical I think about that data that we commissioned. About 72% people of people have been through what we defined as a crucible experience, is that it now gives us scientifically valid, what they call hard evidence, hard data, of crucible experiences and their effects and how many people go through them.
And then on top of that, we've gained through the podcast going on four years that soft data. So we've got quantitative and qualitative data that speaks to crucible experiences. That Warwick, that is a great big mixing bowl of ingredients to bake a whole lot of tools and helps and efforts and offerings to our friends who are listening now and who have yet to discover us. There's a lot of hope and healing, to your point, to be mined from that data and that it's hard data and soft data, right?
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. Absolutely. Well said. Yeah, over 5,000 folks who've responded to the survey that gives its hard data that is quantitative. Exactly. And as the research folks say, we've had like 150 odd episodes probably of, I don't know, 100, 120 guests. I mean a lot of folks. We've got a lot of data in terms of qualitative data, of people's stories. And what is remarkable and we're continuing to do research to refine this. What are the lessons here and how can we design even more tools to help people?
What's remarkable that you and I have discovered on the podcast, is that irrespective of age, gender, race, nationality, background, profession, experience, I mean number of people in the family, any way you slice it, if you will, the commonality in how people both faced the crucibles and how they bounced back is incredibly similar. I mean, it was amazing how I felt like, I and you were able to create personal connections with people that were nothing like us, that had different backgrounds.
You and I obviously have very different backgrounds. Our guests have very different backgrounds, certainly than me. It's just the commonality of making a choice not to let your worst day define you. Forgiveness, not necessarily condoning, but finding those wisdom and seeds of a vision that can help people. The sense that as you focus on helping others, there's almost drops of grace and healing. That's the staggering thing amidst the diversity of background and challenges. The key lessons of how you bounce back from your worst day is incredibly similar, and that just continues to blow me away. I mean, it's just amazing to me.
Gary Schneeberger:
And I continue to love this series BRUN THE SHIPS because I get to come up, like every five minutes, a new metaphor or a new saying that involves ships comes into my head. As we continue sailing, we've got nothing but open water ahead of us now. As we begin to process that data, you'll hear so much more about it listener, about guests we have on the show, about other things that we may be doing to help you process your own crucible experiences. But that data and the diversity of that data, hard data and soft data gives us open sailing to really over the course of the - and I don't say this to be over the top - in the weeks, months and years to come, we have opportunity now to really hone in on some new ways to help you navigate what it means to move beyond your crucible. To find your significance. That's the headline for the old newspaper man out of this discussion.
The third point of our three point blog on this subject is that for the change in brand from Crucible Leadership to Beyond the Crucible. The third point is we wanted to offer you more and deeper opportunities to interact with us. One of the things I love about the name change, Warwick is that Beyond the Crucible bespeaks some action. I mean, my name Gary doesn't have any action. Exciting Gary has some action to it if I change my name.
Beyond the Crucible suggests that if you come alongside us, if you come with us, if we come alongside you, if we partner up, you are going to gain some skills that will help you move Beyond your Crucible. It's a label, yes, but it's a label with some implied action to it that will benefit you. That's one of the things I really love about that.
The other thing that we want to make sure happens here too, is we want to do more things to interact with folks like those who are listening right now. I mean, that's a big part of what we're hoping to do, is to hear more from them and converse more with them and interact more with them and find out more of what they'd like to hear about.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. Well said. I think the point that you make is so good. Beyond the Crucible, it's a much more emotive word. It conjures up an image. I mean, humans think in word pictures. You read a book, and images form in your mind about... You create your own movie in a sense, if you're reading a thriller or a romance novel or what have you. So when you hear the words Beyond the Crucible, at least to me in your mind's eye you're thinking of, I'm going to get beyond my worst day, and I'm going to be given tools because this day is not going to define me, I'm going to get Beyond my Crucible.
The image is to me pretty clear. Crucible Leadership, it's a good name, but it doesn't quite have that same action-orientated emotive sense. It's a statement, Crucible Leadership. What does that mean? Well, you have to read the book, or at least the first chapter, to get a bit more of a flavor. Beyond the Crucible, it's clear about what we're promising, what the emotion that's associated with it. It's an action orientated emotive word. Yeah. I mean, we love Beyond the Crucible and expanded from the podcast and now the whole organization.
And the second point you make is as a certified international coach federation executive coach, I actually love dialoguing with people. It's funny. When I give speeches and we've given a bunch of speeches, I was at Seton Hall University in Northern New Jersey last fall, and I gave a talk to some my year at Harvard Business School. Whatever the setting is, my favorite part is when we get questions. I actually love that, that interaction.
So we've done some of that. We did a session with our folks who've purchased our Second-Act Significance e-course. We had a dialogue there. We want to have more dialogues and more opportunity to answer people's questions and really create a dialogue within Beyond the Crucible community. You know why, we're all about answering people's questions, but by helping to answer people's questions, we want to help people implement the learning and truly get beyond their crucible, lead lies and significance. So that dialogue we hope, will really help activate discussions that will help real life change happen.
Gary Schneeberger:
And that's where you'll see listener. We had one couple weeks ago, as we're speaking now, a live Q&A where Warwick's available to answer your questions. We'll be looking to do more of those. I mean, one thing that we want to make sure you go away from this episode with, is our email address. If you have any questions for Warwick, any questions for any of us on the team, any questions about what direction we're going, something that you heard on a podcast that you didn't quite understand, whatever the question might be, info@beyondthecrucible.com. Send that along to us.
That's one thing. We're talking a lot about burning ships. Don't burn that address. Write it down. Hang on to it so that you can continue to, as you listen to episodes, as you go through the Discover Your Second-Act Significance course. As questions come to you about how you move beyond your crucible, ask us those questions. We want to engage with you on those subjects. And there'll be more opportunities for that to happen.
I've seen you at those speeches. When people come up and talk to you. I see you light up when that happens. So those Q&A's with the family here at Beyond the Crucible, those folks that we help, those folks that listen to us, that watch us, talking to them more will be just lifeblood to you, won't it?
Warwick Fairfax:
Absolutely. Yeah. I love answering people's questions and hearing their heart and yeah, absolutely. I love that interaction.
Gary Schneeberger:
Just to level set where we've been. We've been talking about in the context of our series, BURN THE SHIPS, we've been talking about the new blog that, if not there yet, will soon be at beyondthecrucible.com. About why it is indeed we're called Beyond the Crucible now, not called Crucible Leadership. And the three points that we've gone over for why that change was made.
The first one is we wanted to make clear we don't just serve business leaders. We still do, but it's a both/and. We serve business leaders and we serve people who are leaders as, I'm going to say it again, because this will be the third time I've said it, which is the most times I've ever said it, from the boardroom to the living room. People who are leaders of businesses, but also leaders in their own lives. That's one of the reasons that the name change has happened, that the ship, while not burned, the Beyond the Crucible ship was not burned. It was remodeled, for sure.
We wanted to emphasize and pivot from primarily telling Warwick's story and the stories of other leaders, including those in his own family, to helping you live out your story. I said it before, I'll say it again. That to me is the biggest, most exciting pivot for me is that we're focusing even more on helping you live out your story and how we can help you do that. And then the third point in that blog is we wanted to offer more and better opportunities for you to interact with us.
That's where we've been. Those are the things that led Warwick to make the decision to, in the context of our series, burn the ship, of Beyond the Crucible. He didn't really burn it. He simply remodeled it. We've remodeled it. We've added some new decks. We've put some really great new artwork on the walls. It moves perhaps better. Its navigational systems to get you where you need to go, have been upgraded. Those are the things that we've done to that ship as we continue to move forward.
As we get to the point here, Warwick, where it's almost time to dock, as they say, what is a final thought that you or two that you have that you'd like to leave folks with?
Warwick Fairfax:
I think for those who have visions, it could be, you might think it's big, small. I think any vision is big if it moves your heart. It's not necessarily how many people that you impact or serve. I think you've just got to trust yourself, trust your inner voice, trust if you believe in a spiritual construct, your creator, God, however you look at it. But trust that inner voice, and as passionate as you are about your vision, visions can grow and be refined and change and evolve.
I mean, our vision evolved from Crucible Leadership to Beyond the Crucible. It evolved from an element of organizational leadership, which is fine, to focusing on leaders and individuals at all levels. That focused on stories of redemption, of grace and hope, of not letting your worst day define you, of finding vision, finding hope out of the ashes of your crucible to lead a life of significance. A life on purpose dedicated to serving others.
So our vision has grown, refined and expanded, and don't be afraid of that. It's not easy. When I first heard, gosh, we're thinking of changing from Crucible Leadership to Beyond the Crucible, I got why. But I was like, "Okay, sure. Let me think about it. Let's go." It's like, I like that title. I mean, I wrote a book with the title right there. It's there in print. I'm not going to get a magic marker and cross out, make it Beyond the Crucible. Everybody send me their books back and I'm going to change the title. No.
Gary Schneeberger:
They're going to bookstores and just going over them, yeah.
Warwick Fairfax:
Right. No. Not happening. You've got to be willing to listen to yourself, listen to your team, because visions grow and expand. You're not abandoning things. It's more, it is growing and evolving. So yes, there's my story, but I also want to make sure that listeners understand a big part of why we're doing it is not just to let you know, which we want to let you know what we're doing and why, but there's a purpose behind why we're having this discussion in this BURN THE SHIPS series.
Because maybe you don't need to burn your proverbial vision ship, but yes, as Gary said, you might need to do some extensive remodeling. Add decks, artworks, change the size of the ship. I mean, whatever. You've got to be willing to do that, because if you don't, there are opportunities that you may not be taking. It's a way of becoming even more true to yourself. We all should be growing and evolving as human beings. So therefore the things that we do, including our visions, need to grow, expand and evolve.
Gary Schneeberger:
Now, normally I would say the captain's landed the plane, but I'm going to say Warwick Fairfax has just dropped anchor in our ship. The anchor has indeed dropped. As we always do with these discussion, these dialogue episodes that involve a blog that has been written at beyondthecrucible.com, we're going to leave you with some reflection questions, to reflect on what we've talked about here.
First one is, ask yourself this question. In what ways have the resources of Beyond the Crucible helped you? Really do a little audit of that and see in what ways they've helped you, and if you're still struggling with some areas, poke around, ask us what other resources we might have that could help you. Second point is, why are you most interested in learning about how to get beyond your crucible? Jot your thoughts down to ask Warwick or the team in a future live Q&A, or via email. And I'll give you our email address at the end of the third point I'm going to make, which is this.
If you could ask Warwick only one question about his story, and about the offerings of Beyond the Crucible, what would it be? That's interesting. I even want to jump at that one. And I get to ask you questions all the time. Take the time right now. Seriously, we're wrapping the episode. Take the time right now to send the question to info@beyondthecrucible.com. Formulate that question, shoot it to us, and let us do what we said we want to do. Let us engage you in discussion and dialogue to help you move beyond your crucible.
That Warwick I think wraps up our episode. Again, our in the midst of a series called BURN THE SHIPS, and we encourage you if your ship feels like it's drifting off course, if you've lost your way a little bit, you can't find the exact navigation where you are going to go. There's a couple things you can do. What we've done here, what we've talked about here is sometimes you just need to remodel the ship a little bit. Sometimes you need a new deck. You need a new room. You need maybe new personnel, whatever that looks like. Sometimes there's remodeling, but sometimes there is indeed a time to pull out a matchbook, strike a match, and set that ship on fire for the next best ship that you can board. We'll see you next week.
If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond the Crucible. Visit our website beyondthecrucible.com to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start, our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible, and to chart a course forward. See you next week.
We’ve shifted from Crucible Leadership. And that opens up some very exciting opportunities for the future.
Stop a minute before you read any further and look at the page header on this blog. You’ll see it says Beyond the Crucible. That’s the new name of the business founded and led by Warwick Fairfax. We’re still all about hope and healing, helping you realize your worst days don’t have to define you; still committed to joining you on the journey from setback to significance, still dedicated to setting you on and helping you along the path that leads from trials to triumph.
The new name does not mean we have a new vision or mission. It means our vision and mission have been refined. That’s what we’ve been telling and showing you for the last five years – visions grow and change over time. Now we’ve taken steps to spotlight how that truth applies to us.
How has the Beyond the Crucible mission and vision grown since Warwick founded the company to share the lessons he learned about bouncing back after his $2.25 billion failure that cost his family the media dynasty started by his great-great grandfather?
Here are three desires that fueled the changes we’ve made:
1. We wanted to make clear we don’t just serve business leaders.
Crucible Leadership was the perfect name for what we did when we started. Warwick created the company to highlight the key takeaways from his book, Crucible Leadership: Embrace Your Trials to Lead a Life of Significance, which he had written but not yet published. The book focused on how such things as faith, authenticity and perseverance led him to “get out of the pit,” as he puts it, of his crucible.
As our team worked to help Warwick find a great publisher (he did — Morgan James Publishing) and polish his manuscript, we started to add additional offerings besides this blog and his social media pages. The highest-profile addition was, of course, the Beyond the Crucible podcast, which premiered Nov. 5, 2019. In the going-on-four-years we’ve been doing the show (on which I am blessed to be his cohost), we increasingly discovered something important from the scores of guests we’ve interviewed: not all of their crucibles were leadership — or business — related. In fact, it was far more common to talk with men and women who had been through personal tragedies — physical illness or injury, abuse, the death of loves ones and other difficult life challenges.
What we were doling day-in, day-out — especially after Warwick’s book launched as a Wall Street Journal best-seller — became more focused on offering tools to the widest possible audience. That has been the inspiration for things like our Life of Significance Assessment and our most ambitious undertaking to date, our Discover Your Second-Act Significance e-course. It became obvious to us that we needed to reset the brand to encompass all that we had become. Hence expanding the Beyond the Crucible name beyond the podcast to the organization as a whole.
2. We wanted to emphasize our pivot from primarily telling Warwick’s story and the stories of other leaders to helping you live out yours.
We help you live out your story through the stories from our many podcast guests, and from the insights and tools that we offer and will be offering.
One of the truly breakthrough moments for Beyond the Crucible as a brand has been the data we’ve collected from those who’ve taken the Life of Significance Assessment. What we have learned from the more than 5,200 respondents is that nearly three-quarters of them — 72 percent — report they have experienced something so traumatic or painful that it fundamentally changed their life. That’s a result not from a quick-and-dirty online poll; it’s a scientifically valid number. And it’s just one of the numbers that provides great insight into not just the frequency of crucible experiences, but their effects on those who go through them.
What does that mean for you? The insights we’ve gleaned not just from Warwick’s story, but also from our wide variety of podcast guests, can now be augmented by statistically relevant perspectives about what those hit by and bouncing back from crucibles go through. We have both quantitative and qualitative evidence to help you better understand the setbacks you’ve endured and muster a battle plan to move past them. Stay tuned. You’ll be hearing much more about this — and given the chance to seize new tools rooted in those revelations enroute to your life of significance — in the weeks and months and years to come.
3. We wanted to offer you more and deeper opportunities to interact with us.
An important thing to note about the change that comes with our updated branding is that we’re moving from a label (Crucible Leadership) to an action-oriented promise (Beyond the Crucible). We hope you will engage with us from this point on by asking a simple question: How can this offering or product help me move beyond my crucible?
This is not a minor point. We want you to think of us more than ever as a partner in helping you take an action that moves you closer to the life of significance you’ve always wanted to lead. To that end, Beyond the Crucible will offer you greater opportunities to interact and ask questions of Warwick and others on the team. Be on the lookout for more live Q-and-A’s and real-time teachings. In fact, let’s not wait to make our communications to you more an invitation to dialogue than purely a monologue. If you’ve gotten this far, you’ve gifted us with your attention through this blog. Now allow us to gift you in return. Take a moment right now to ask us a question and send it to info@beyondthecrucible.com … And please keep that email address handy to use anytime you have a question or suggestion you want to send our way.
We look forward to walking alongside you as you move beyond your crucible with Beyond the Crucible.
Reflection:
- In what ways have the resources of Beyond the Crucible helped you?
- What are you most interested in learning about how to get beyond your crucible? Jot your thoughts down to ask of Warwick or the team at a future live Q-and-A or via email.
- If you could ask Warwick only one question about his story and about the offerings of Beyond the Crucible, what would it be? Take the time right now to send the question to info@beyondthecrucible.com
Ready to create a life you love?
- Check out the e-course discussed above, Discover Your Second-Act Significance. It’s a power-packed program with a proven system to help you jumpstart a new chapter in your life and career filled with deeper meaning, purpose, fulfillment and joy. Learn more at secondsactsignificance.com
In this third episode of our winter series BURN THE SHIPS, Darwin Shaw describes how he set fire to a medical career, with the near-guarantees it offered, to pursue acting and the creative joys it offered. Maybe you know him as Daniel Craig’s first kill enroute to double O status in CASINO ROYALE; maybe as the Apostle Peter in the megahit miniseries THE BIBLE. Maybe from his role as a key creator of The Anti-Viral Film Project, an international effort to provide creative work for actors and filmmakers during the pandemic to tell a multi-generational story about families around the globe, who strive for connection and catharsis, against the turmoil of the COVID-19.
“If you can hone in on what’s truthful to you and follow that,” he tells Warwick of his pivot from behind a stethoscope to in front of a camera, “I don’t think you’re ever going to regret it.”
Highlights
- His childhood influences (4:52)
- Growing up in a mixed-race family (6:08)
- The influences that led him into a medical career (8:41)
- What attracted him to medicine (11:09)
- His medical training (14:54)
- The seeds of pivoting away from being a physician (17:14)
- Burning his ships to become an actor (23:10)
- Embracing the social consciousness of acting (29:38)
- His hopes for the Anti-Viral Film Project (38:31)
- Darwin’s word of hope for listeners (50:16)
Transcript
Gary Schneeberger:
We've seen so much interest in our special 23% off offer for our e-course, Discover Your Second-Act Significance, that we're continuing it throughout February. The three module video course will equip you to transform your life from, "Is this all there is?" To, "This is all I've ever wanted." Each session is led by Beyond the Crucible founder, Warwick Fairfax, who shares his own hard won successes in turning trials into triumphs. And he's got some high-powered help from USA Today's gratitude guru, to a runner up on TV's Project Runway. From a recording artist with a billboard number one album, to a couple of bestselling authors.
It's an ensemble of men and women living significant second acts who would command a six figure price tag if any business wanted to fill an auditorium with them to coach their employees. But we've packed their insights and action steps into our course for a sliver of that cost. And if you act before the end of February, you'll get 23% off your enrollment. Just visit secondactsignificance.com and use the code 23for23. So don't delay. Enroll today. And remember, life's too short to live a life you don't love. Now, here's today's podcast episode.
Warwick Fairfax:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.
Darwin Shaw:
The process of doing it was so fulfilling to me. It was such a mysterious craft. I mean, doctors do incredible jobs and there's lots of very, very smart people in that field. But it was very clear to me the steps you do to become... It's a very clear profession. You need to do this, you need to do this exam, you do this many jobs, you make sure you don't make any mistakes. And if all that goes well, you'll end up... The path to me was like, "Okay. Well, I'd be 30 in my early 30s, and all being, well, I'd be a consultant in a hospital as a surgeon. And then what?" And then I was suddenly exposed to this world which had rules which I'd never understood. And there's people who were not massively educated, who were brilliant. There were people who were super educated, who were brilliant. You work really hard and you were terrible. And it's like, "What is this thing? What is this sort of intangible skill and thing?" And you had this ability to move people and be moved.
Gary Schneeberger:
So what was that intangible thing for this week's guest, Darwin Shaw? You heard him mention the career path he'd envisioned as a doctor, and how he worried he'd end up at the end of that journey saying, "Now what?" But what was the life he found that allows him to move others and to be moved? I am Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. In this third episode of our winter series, Burn the Ships, Shaw describes how he set fire to a medical career, with the near guarantees it offered to pursue acting and the creative joys it offered.
Maybe you know him as Daniel Craig's first kill en route to 00 status in Casino Royale. Maybe as the apostle Peter in the mega hit mini series, The Bible. Maybe from his role as a key creator of The Antiviral Film Project, an international effort to provide creative work for actors and filmmakers during the pandemic to tell a multi-generational story about families around the globe who strive for connection and catharsis against the turmoil of COVID-19. "If you can hone in on what's truthful to you and follow that," he tells Warwick of his pivot from behind a stethoscope to in front of a camera, "I don't think you're ever going to regret it."
Warwick Fairfax:
Well, Darwin, thanks so much for being here. You've done a lot of different things from Prince of Persia, Casino Royale, Peter in the Bible, Homeland. You've done a lot of different things. I'd love to kind of just start with your upbringing because as I was looking where you grew up in England, I feel like you're about as far north in England as you can get without hitting Scotland. I mean, it just seems like it's... I don't know, you're probably Manchester, Liverpool, they're all probably south of where you grew up, which is amazing to me having gone to college in England. So tell us a bit about your life growing up in Northern England. And yeah, you've got a fascinating background. So just yeah, tell us a bit about life for you. What was it like?
Darwin Shaw:
Yeah, well I grew up in Leeds, which is not too much further north than the Manchester. But it's a big northern originate, a big industrial town of around a million people. But my grandfather was a parish priest in a very small village, and literally that was 20 miles from the Scottish border. And I was born in a little hospital in a very, very small town called Brampton, whilst my dad was studying and my mom was staying with my grandparents. So I have this kind of a very different two worlds I was in really. One was this sort of rural Itle in the countryside in a world... I don't know if it really exists anymore, but a very small community with one shop, and a little church. And you had to drive 15 miles to get to the nearest city. But then my main life was in Leeds, which was much more of a cosmopolitan but quite brash town in the '70s, which had its own challenges as well.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, and so you have a interesting background, I think from what I understand that your mother was English, but your father had just different heritage from, I guess, grandparents to Kashmir, and Afghanistan Kashmir as listeners, I guess it's in India. But Pakistan and India have been fighting over who owns Kashmir and all of that. So talk about just some of the various elements, because I'm sure that gives you a diversity of perspective, that not everybody you grew up with maybe had, which I think is fascinating.
Darwin Shaw:
No, I mean didn't meet another mixed race person until I went to university. So I spent the whole of my childhood in a place where... There were people from other countries, obviously. England has a very broad history and rich history of immigration. But there wasn't anybody else who was Pakistani-English like myself. Or I think there maybe was one other mixed person I met, but I probably didn't even realize they were... And it was a pretty racist time in history and we had some pretty rough experiences growing up. But my dad was born in India. And at that point Pakistan didn't exist, it was all one country.
And it was when he was young, when he was a very small child that the country was split and their family had to leave. From what I'm told there is palace where they lived in Amritsar in the Punjab where they had I think, 23 servants, this is what we're told. And there's this fascinating story about having to leave all that behind and start afresh in a new place. And that was closer to the border of Afghanistan in a place called Phashai. So my dad was there until was... I think he was 20-21. And then he then decided he wanted to go to America to become a photojournalist. And he left with $1 in his pocket, because that's all you were allowed to take. And traveled by boat. And made his way to the Middle East, and then to England. And his plan was to earn some money to get another boat to America, but never happened. I think he fell in love and made his roots in England.
Warwick Fairfax:
So let's just talk about how all these influences formed together in terms of what you did for a career. You ended up, from what I understand, going to medicine. So how did all that happen? Because it sounds like you weren't necessarily from a family of doctors. How did that happen? All these influences, and your own passions, and desires, how did that lead to medicine?
Darwin Shaw:
Well, my family are all very involved in England's country, which has a very strong history of social consciousness. So both my parents, my father had been a teacher with special needs students. And we also ran a newspaper as a family, a bilingual newspaper, which we all were involved in. My mom, me, my brother were all involved in helping create. And then my mom was a social worker. She also trained as a nurse and a teacher. So she always was working in jobs which would impact on the community. As I said, my grandfather was a priest, my uncle was a priest. And my Pakistani side, there was a sort of somebody who was a doctor, my dad's brother. But it was more about having social responsibility and having to live a life which was of service. And that was very much fed through. And when I was a child, I think I drew a picture when I was seven years old of a doctor flying over a jungle in a helicopter, hanging out on a rope with a stethoscope around his neck.
So I had this idea, I don't know where I picked it up from, possibly my mother, that I wanted to be this sort of flying doctor who came in and had some impact. Perhaps looking back on it, maybe the flying over a jungle and a helicopter was the bit which my soul was really pointing towards. But no, I always had that sense. I was very involved in politics growing up. And then when I went to university, I studied medicine. I was still very politically active. And I also did another degree in tropical medicine and parasitology. And again, that was all pointing towards working in emergency medicine, in aid medicine. And I never had any doubt that's what I was going to do.
Warwick Fairfax:
Why medicine versus a dozen other opportunities that you could have pursued? All of them probably pretty good opportunities or paths.
Darwin Shaw:
Yeah, I think part of it was probably ego. I probably felt that was I quite... We had state education, we didn't have any private... I mean, there were private schools around, but I just went through the state system. I was fortunate enough to have a supportive family who made sure I did my homework and I obviously had some natural aptitude. So I think for me, it was a combination of I wanted to make a difference. This was something which was clear, it was a clear path to doing something. Obviously, my parents supported that desire. But it wasn't like today where you have the internet and there were lots of options. I mean, growing up in a northern town, it was like either you're going to be a plumber, or a teacher, or you're going to work in a shop. Or maybe if you were lucky, you would go to university and you may have some other grander idea. I mean, certainly being a doctor seemed like a pretty impressive thing in the world that I grew up with.
And for me, it was very much about, I was brought up in a family, which was a very strong family unit. And I really wanted to break away from that and be the master of my own fate. Well, there's several things. There was one, that it was clear you could become a doctor, and then you could support yourself, and you could make a difference directly. And this would lead to all these other opportunities within medicine. Hopefully, I'd be able to come and go around the world and have some impact. But also within that, I was also like, oh, I can go to study for six years. And that's six years of traveling. Six summer vacations and I can travel around the world for six years.
And I didn't know where I was going to end up at when I started. But when I first went to London for one of my interviews, and I walked down the strand in Central London, suddenly my eyes were open to a big cosmopolitan and capital city. And I think that really widened my horizons. And in combination with the travel I was starting to do throughout my late teens, suddenly the world seemed a big place. And in a way, I was very, very fortunate because being accepted to study as a doctor, it meant you just knew you had a path which was there for you, as long as you put the work in and were able to apply yourself. In your early 20s, it was a very clear direction. And we were pretty hands-on within around the third year, fourth year we were there working training, but also interacting with patients. And you were aware that what you were doing mattered, I think.
Warwick Fairfax:
Talk about just the whole, that medical side. I think you worked as an orthopedic surgeon, Doctors Without Borders. So just talk a bit about that whole journey that you took.
Darwin Shaw:
Well, I trained at Kings College London, and we basically did two years of very old school science. We were the last year that did the real pure biochemistry, anatomy, everything we know. We did all the dissection of our own cadavers and all this other stuff. Then I did a year as a training in this tropical medicine researching a parasite called leishmania. So I was growing these little microscopic parasites in the lab in Kensington. And Friday night I would be coming out lab at midnight sort of smelling of formaldehyde, and stuff.
Gary Schneeberger:
That must have helped your love life a lot, right?
Darwin Shaw:
Oh, yeah. That's what every young woman wants, is a man who smelled formaldehyde, I tell you.
Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah.
Darwin Shaw:
But that's fun of me. I look back on those days, it seems another world. And after I graduated, I was fortunate enough to get my two jobs working in the hospital where I trained. So I did a bit of respiratory medicine and a bit of general surgery with orthopedics. And it was at after that stage where my path started to veer off. But I still continued for a few years of doing a little bit of both working in the ER. Mainly in the ER, I'd say that was my... It's a little grand of me to say I was a surgeon, but I was certainly a junior member of the team there. And I did get to do a bit of operating a few times. But I was still very much a baby in the profession.
Warwick Fairfax:
From what I understand, you were orthopedic surgeon and you wanted to get an ER surgical job, but that didn't happen. I mean that seemed like a big change for you that maybe changed the course of your life. So just talk about how that moment and how medicine was where you were spending your whole efforts and life, but yet that changed. How did that all happen?
Darwin Shaw:
Well, for me, I applied... Again, you're saying these titles, they sound a lot grander than they were. I mean, I was a young resident and I had been working in orthopedics. And I applied for this wonderful job, under the auspices of this really, really brilliant professor called Professor Webster, who was an... I'm not sure if he would still be alive right now, but he was a real character, a pioneer in his field, really. I think he was part of that... More part of the old school of intellectuals. He wrote his own neuroanatomy book for us, and he had five languages in it. So he would annotate stuff in Latin, German, French, probably some of the language, knowing him with quotes from literary legends. And of course, we were part of the new breed of slightly less esoteric doctors, so most people thought he was crazy, but I adored him.
Anyway, he said to me that he would give me this job in the ER department. But not the one I wanted. Not the one with the extra anatomy demonstration, which I'd be teacher part-time. Because that was for people who were basically way smarter than me and who'd come out of Cambridge and Oxford. But he said, "Look, I'll give you this sort of slightly less but still brilliant job working in the King's casualty department," which was one of the biggest in Europe and an incredible institution. So it was a great honor to be offered that job. But he said, "I'll give it you in six months time because there's only six posts here, and they're kind of already all gone. So go and do something else for six months, go and explore a different aspect of medicine," because in England that's how they do it. You basically do six months in all different specialties until you've done every specialty, and then you decide which one you're going to focus in on.
And it was at this point I'd been... I had some friends who were musicians and a friend who was a poet who told me I should read this book called The Artist's Way. And I also had a friend who had been working in New York in Wall Street, who'd just come back. And he basically had said to me, "Look, I think you'd have a great time in New York, I think you'd love it." And for some reason I'd had this weird sense in my mind that I might be able to write or something. And I decided that I was going to go for six months to New York, and write something, and read this book called The Artist Way, which I still have my copy of here.
Gary Schneeberger:
There you go.
Darwin Shaw:
Yeah. Yeah. So within a week of this decision, I thought, well, I'm just going to go to New York. And I went there and started with no real plan other than this book and a backpack. And started following this course of creativity, really. And this book called The Artist's Way, written by Julia Cameron, really is a guide to having a more creative life. And through doing that, I found myself within three weeks in an acting class. That really changed my life.
My parents were getting separated that time, so I think... Well, they'd just been a couple years separated and it was quite traumatic for everyone. And there was something about exploring creativity, which is very therapeutic to go into an acting training. I believe, to be a good actor... Well, that's not the only way to be honest. But there is one school of thought, is that you need to understand yourself in order to play other people. If you don't resolve some of your own subconscious psychological issues, they're always going to leach out when you perform another character. Obviously, there are some actors who that wildness or that angst informs all their characters, and people make great careers out of there. But in terms of becoming a blank canvas to explore other people, you kind of need to get rid of the scum from your own brain.
Warwick Fairfax:
Makes a lot of sense. So it's fascinating. Here your professor, professor Webster said, you go through all these specialties, explore another medical specialty for six months. And you decided to take a different path. You didn't explore another medical specialty, you explored acting. There must have been... And I know from what I understand, you went on to LAMDA, the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts, and went on to acting. But that's a fascinating pivot point, because you'd focus on the helping professions, and medicine. Was there some inner voice, still small voice, something deep within you that was calling? I mean, it's a pretty big pivot. I mean, it's the kind of thing that in some families that say, "What the heck are you doing, Darwin? It's a good profession, medicine, and you're going to do this acting thing, which is a lot more uncertain potentially?" I mean there's all sorts of streams and currents that you could have had to deal with. So just talk about that. That's a big change, a big pivot. So yeah, please.
Gary Schneeberger:
Let me set it up before you go, Darwin, let me set it up in the context of this series called Burn the Ships. And you didn't just burn the ships, man, you burned like a fleet. From going from doctor, where you done all of the, people would say, the hard work. You had your education, you said yourself that next in your career would've been kind of learning how to do it. So some of the hard work was already done, that road had been covered. To go into acting, which you don't start at the top there, you start at lower levels. So that was an incredible burn the ships moment where you made that pivot. There had to be some really... I mean that book really must have touched you. The people that you were with in New York must have really motivated you. But what led you to strike the match, and burn the medical ships, and go into acting? That is a remarkably strong pivot. How did you muster the strength to do that?
Darwin Shaw:
Well, I mean, there's a good story, but too long to share here about actually how I found myself in my first acting class. But the experience was of being on stage for the first time with a very inspirational teacher, his name's Bruce Ornstein, who still teaches in New York today. There was just something about the moment of stepping on stage in this little classroom with 12 people watching. Something just resonated. I stood on stage, I did this exercise for one minute, which was called six characters in a minute. And every 10 seconds he clapped his hands and I had to change character. And I was awful. I mean, I can't even imagine what it was like. But the thrill of it was incredible. And also, a lot of it was down probably to Bruce's teaching because he really talked about your responsibility as an artist, as an actor, to be paying attention to the world. And to pay attention to what was around you because you have a responsibility to be a mirror to society in a way.
It was a very different way of thinking. Looking back it sounds like a big change, but for me it wasn't really a choice. I was like, I just knew I had to do this. I didn't even have a concept of making a career in it. I didn't think that was even a... I mean, as a kid, I actually did a little bit of acting and I always really enjoyed it. And I think after I did change, I spoke to a very old friend from school. And she said, "You always wanted to be an actor," but I had no memory of that. I remember when I got my first job so many years later, it was an extraordinary realization. And again, you have pre-mobile phones and pre-internet. It's not like I had this desire to be... It feels like anyone can become Insta-famous now. I was probably like you guys. I grew up and there was Harrison Ford. And there was these John Gielgud, and there's these greats of...
I've got into theater a lot more as an older person, but it was such a world away. I didn't imagine that it was something that I would be able to do. But I just knew that I had to explore this experience of being an actor. And it wasn't about money. I mean, just literally the process of doing it was so fulfilling to me. It was such a mysterious craft. I mean, doctors do incredible jobs, and there's lots of very, very smart people in that field. But it was very clear to me the steps you do to become... It is a very clear profession.
You need to do this, you need to do this exam, you do this many jobs, you make sure you don't make any mistakes. And if all that goes well, you'll end up... The path to me was like, "Okay, well I'd be 30 in my early 30s. Now, all being, well, I'd be a consultant in a hospital as a surgeon. And then what?" And then I was suddenly exposed to this world which had rules which I'd never understood. There are those people who were not massively educated, who were brilliant. There were people who were super educated, who were brilliant. You'd work really hard and you were terrible. And it's like, "What is this thing? What is this intangible skill and thing?"
So you had this ability to move people and be moved. And it was like a coming of age and I was starting to really work out what my identity was. Again, I guess we still struggle with that all our lives, but it was a step of self-exploration, self-examination. And it was thrilling because it was so against everything that I had grown up, the structure of what I'd been around. And everyone thought I was crazy. And I probably was, I probably have.
Warwick Fairfax:
Oh, I can imagine parents, family, they thought, "You're doing what?" I mean, any family would. But what's fascinating to me about what you're saying, Darwin is, and I think there are lessons really for all listeners, is it felt like there was this inner voice. Now some maybe think it's from a spiritual direction, inner muse. One can have theological metaphysical discussions about where that comes from. But wherever it does, there was this inner voice, I felt like saying, Darwin, "this is what you were made for. You were made for acting." There's something about it that resonated to the depths of your soul. Nothing against the medical profession, and yet from what your teacher was saying in New York, it felt like there was still a social consciousness part of acting. It was just a different form of social consciousness. Is that fair? It felt like you'd found kind of calling, but you weren't abandoning your sense of try to help humanity in some sense.
Darwin Shaw:
No, definitely. And I mean, it's always hard to unpick what is actually true and what is my justification for my life choices. What I do know is representation on screen is incredibly important. And I had an inkling of this when I was starting out, because I was one of a very small number of people of color entering the acting field. And I mean, there was quite a little bit of racism in medicine at the time. And being mixed race, and being well-spoken, and quite erudite, I was able to kind of negotiate it. But I was very aware of it around me and I knew there was people, there was glass ceilings, and there was definitely people getting different levels of care.
And I realized that if I was going to stay in medicine, I would have to address that. And then when I started being an actor, I was like, "Oh, this is great. We're all accepted. And fantastic. We all have an equal choice." And of course, as you suddenly start getting a bit further down that road, and you get your first audition and it's like, "Oh well, it's to play a terrorist." And then you get your second one and it's like, "Oh, it's to play a terrorist." And then five years later you are still being either forced playing people... It started off being forced into arrange marriages or it was terrorism. And that really did feed my mission really, which was... Of course, was the personal desires to actually go out and play important roles, but also representation. I didn't see any... I mean, there was two actors, there was Ben Kingsley, there was Omar Sharif, a couple of other actors who were visible on the world stage. But I hadn't seen any heroic guys, or people who look like me.
And Islamic terrorism was developing around the world with ISIS. And there was some homegrown terrorism as well. It was very clear to me that a lot of these people were reacting in part because they didn't feel part of society. They didn't feel represented. They were linking onto bad ways of being, because people were offering them some sort of sense of self. And for me, I suddenly was like, I want to make a difference. I want to be out there playing characters where young kids who look like me or similar to me would be like, "Oh, I could be this. I could be whatever it may be." And one of the great joys of my professional career was when I got to the chance to play St. Peter, because I was somebody who probably looked more similar to St. Peter than many other representations of him.
And I was once in Singapore and I was taken to this Easter service in this church. And they played a whole sort of montage of different biblical stories. And I was sitting there with my friend. And I looked up and I sort of saw myself playing St. Peter on the screen there. And I'm like, here I am in... Sorry, I was in Taiwan. In Taiwan and this whole society is now seeing St. Peter, not sort of like a white Caucasian guy from America or England, but someone who actually looks like someone from the Middle East where he came from. And over the years, many, many messages from people around the world who really responded to that portrayal, that character, that story I was telling. On some level, I think that does make a change because people are associating someone of color with someone who's a pious, incredible apostle from the history of the church. And I think that is really important for people to change and to accept difference.
And I think that has become, as a filmmaker now, as well as an actor, one of my missions is about diversity and telling stories which... And I think the world has caught up very, very rapidly. I mean the landscape is very different now than it was 10 years ago, or even five years ago. And I haven't necessarily been a huge part of that change, but I've been part of that change. There's been people like me who've pushed those boundaries and started to do that. And I think that's part of the process, part the journey.
Gary Schneeberger:
I have to jump back to St. Peter because that's where we met. Yeah, we met in Los Angeles, Darwin when I was doing film publicity. And you were in the Bible mini series to this day, the bestselling mini series ever on DVD. You were Peter in that series. And we worked closely together. And yes, you did indeed change the... You weren't some method actor from Brooklyn who was jumping in playing Peter. You were someone who looked what that part was like. But you were also someone who really felt that part, who really... I was with you as you sort of dug into what it meant to play that part. And Warwick, it's funny, we talk on the show a lot. I give you grief about, "Hey, we've had 27 guests from Australia." Darwin is the second guest we've had, who's had dinner at my house. So back when we were in LA, Darwin had dinner at my house.
But there's a story, I bring that up only to tell this story because it gets to Darwin, not to embarrass you, but what a good actor you are. And that is, you may not even remember this, you came over with Sebastian Knapp who played the Apostle John. I had a copy because Mark Burnett and Roman Downey who produced the Bible series and made a movie of it called Son of God. And you hadn't seen it yet. I had a copy of that we watched that movie afterwards. And while it was playing, I looked over at you and Sebastian. And both of you were on-screen, but also in my living room, and you guys were moved by what you saw. And I remember saying, "These two guys are in that scene. Nothing is something they haven't seen that they haven't experienced before, but their performance moves them," which speaks to the power of the story, but also the power of your acting.
So not that anyone can judge it was the right move to burn the ships, that's up to you to decide that. But what you've contributed to the art form that you've taken both in that work in the Bible series 10 years ago, and what you're doing now with The Antiviral Film Project, society has indeed benefited by that.
Darwin Shaw:
Oh, well thank you. Yeah, it's very sweet of you to say. I think you could say it's also we're both egocentric actors seeing ourselves, we were moved by it. No. But no, that is true. I mean, I think when you are playing a part of something which is so important in the history of western culture. And so many people around the world obviously care, and lives are shaped by some of these characters, there is a responsibility to try and find a way of truth, to try and represent these characters, these people as best you can. And it was a very deeply spiritual experience.
Warwick Fairfax:
So talk about how you moved into this latest project, The Antiviral Film Project, which happened during COVID, and that's sort of an amazing mission. You talk about themes of separation, connection, emergence, 24 short films, 24 filmmakers, 24 global communities. So just talk about that vision, because I have a feeling that's really part of your ethos of just trying to bring people together, and tell just diverse stories from countries all over the world. So it feels a bit like a combination of who Darwin Shaw is and what you believe in to a degree. Would you say that?
Darwin Shaw:
I mean, think so. One of the things which is very frustrating as an actor is you have to wait for other people to give you a job. As a painter, you can go into your room and paint. But you can't sit around in your own room and just act by yourself. It's very much a community and it's about... You do need an audience, whether that be a camera or a live audience. And a certain point I think you either give up as an actor because you get to an age where you're supporting over a family and you can't do it just... Very few people are actually able to keep doing that. Or you basically decide that you want to make the parts that you want to perform in or you want to see out there. And I was in the process of doing that when the pandemic happened. And suddenly, everything that I'd spent the last three years writing in order to try and get that made, suddenly the pandemic happened. And I was like, well, that's not going to happen now.
And it was really sitting down in a bit of a panic really, because a lot of our friends were just calling and what are we going to do? How are we going to... All our means of survival are disappearing. And we don't know how long this is going to last. But when it does, there'll be a lot of famous, more experienced actors out there who will be taking up all the work. So we're probably not going to work for a couple of years. There's is going to be people who will take jobs that wouldn't normally do because they haven't worked for a long time. And producers will be able to get a name to play a part, which prior to the pandemic, they wouldn't do. And so I just was thinking how does one create out of this situation when you can't leave your house?
And what I realized was that for the first time in living history, the entire global population was facing in the same direction, and facing the same challenges. So what was happening to a mother in The Gambia, was the same experience as in Belarus, but just in a different context. And we were all having to face this uncertainty. And it didn't matter what your socioeconomic situation was, it's a great leveler. So to me, this provided an incredibly interesting backdrop in order to tell stories, because we were all starting to connect with Zoom and that whole adage of six degrees of separation. But we were now six feet separated, but we were less than six degrees connected. You could be speaking to people... Because everyone is at home. We could call up somebody and say, "Look, I want to speak to this person."
And people who probably wouldn't have given you the time of the day were like, "Well, I'm just here having a martini at home with my kids. I'll give them 10 minutes to talk." So what we decided was we could reach out to all our connections around the world, and go to different countries, and work with writers to develop stories from their communities based on something that was actually happening. Or a story which they'd been inspired to from something they'd experienced. And then we could get little micro, what we call, satellite production teams in each country. And they would shoot this little piece in sort of three to five days. So we'd be able to get round the having. Because to shoot a feature film would never be possible because of COVID. If one person gets sick, the whole production closes down.
Whereas if you came and did it in three days with very small crews, you probably could get away with it. That was our thoughts. And then what we'd be able to do is take all these stories and piece them together to create this cinematic journey around the world. So each story would be... We'd create it, so they linked in with each other visually. And we'd have Easter eggs, which were in different stories. So there would be links of characters, which were quite sort of spurious, but if you really paid attention, you'd be able to spot them. And what we do is we try and get this made. And little did we know that was quite a large undertaking. But we did manage to shoot our first film in Denmark and we created this beautiful story written and directed by an actor turned director called Thomas Levin.
And it's this incredible story of a neuro-diverse child and his friendship with a school janitor during lockdown. We then did a big fundraiser here in LA and we raised about $80,000. And we flew into South Africa onto a rhino reservation, and we shot this whole conservation piece, this anti-poaching piece about the safety of rhinos, and sort of women's empowerment story in the Xhosa community. And we're just in the final stages of post-production on that. And we're hoping that these two stories will provide a great example of what we can put together. And we have this whole bank of about 40 other stories which we can choose from, which we would love to make next. So we are now in the process, once we finish this, of trying to raise financing so we can actually go out and make this in a more efficient manner.
Warwick Fairfax:
Wow. So as you think about The Antiviral Project, what's your mission or what's the vision of this? What's the why behind - why you're doing this? What's the impact you hope that this will have on people?
Darwin Shaw:
The best way of dissolving boundaries is if you stop seeing other people as different. If you see differences as not being other, but as just another reflection of the mirror. And these stories are all really beautiful little tales of family. Yeah, this really universal themes of people wanting a better future for their families. People dealing with the modern world. We have stories about two boys who love soccer in The Gambia. We have a story about gang violence in South Africa from these gangs who'd been fighting for 36 years. And they turned their drug runs into ways of feeding the community during the pandemic. We have stories which are about police violence in Romania against the Romani community. We have a love story set in Egypt in the trans community. And then you just suddenly realize this, the world is rich and we are all going through similar experiences.
And I guess the mission behind it, the why is that we need to really start working together as a species. And we're not going to stop fighting immediately, but we are stronger as one. I mean, I think that's a very simple thing. And there is nothing more profound than making a difference to another person. If you can affect one person in your life, whether it be in your family or outside of it, that is the most nurturing thing. And it doesn't matter how many dollars you have in the bank, it's not going to ever touch that. Nobody has engraved on their headstone, "Here lies Joe Bloggs. He earned $5 million in his life." I mean, I've never seen that.
Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah, that's a point that Warwick has made many times here on the show. And that sound that you heard, listener, was the captain turning on the fasten seatbelt sign indicating that we're about to begin our dissent to end this episode of Beyond The Crucible and our series, Burn the Ships. Before we do that though, I've got to throw a couple more things at my friend Darwin here. One, Darwin, you are the answer to a trivia question as you well know. Folks, if anybody ever asks you, what actor was Daniel Craig's first kill as James Bond in his journey to 00 status? The answer to that question is the actor, Darwin Shaw. If you remember that scene in the bathroom in Casino Royale, that was Darwin who was on the losing end of that. So that's a good trivia question for you.
And the second thing, my favorite role that you've ever done, Darwin, and I say this as a man who has in his office four autographed pictures of actors, Al Pacino, Bruce Willis, Robert Duvall, and Darwin Shaw. Those are only four actors who I have autographed photos of in my office because you are a good... I'm still mad that you didn't get an Emmy nomination for The Bible. But I'll say this-
Darwin Shaw:
Well, thank you.
Gary Schneeberger:
... And then I'll kick it back to Warwick. My favorite acting role of yours was how generous you were with your time and your talents when I asked you to do the narration for the video for my wedding to my wife Kelly now almost seven years ago. And you knocked it out of the park and like a true actor, you ad-libbed, which I loved, which was fabulous. So thank you for that. Thank you for your friendship.
Darwin Shaw:
My pleasure.
Gary Schneeberger:
Thank you for what you're doing with The Antiviral Film Project. And let people know quickly how they can find out more about it and help out online.
Darwin Shaw:
Yeah, I mean, you can follow us on the social media, The Antiviral Film Project, or just go to my Instagram @darwinius. We have a website, which is sixfeetfilms.com. But if you just Google, Antiviral Film Project, it'll all pop up there.
Gary Schneeberger:
Awesome. Warwick, as always, as host of the show, the last question is yours.
Warwick Fairfax:
Well, Darwin, thanks so much for being here and just your whole life and journey is so inspiring. There may be listeners today, hopefully, who are socially conscious that want to make the world a better place. Maybe they're just going down some profession because their mom, dad, parents, teachers, said to go down this profession. And it's okay. But they feel like maybe they were made for something more. Maybe there does need to be more unity, more maybe diversity of voices. So for those who might be listening that they have a social consciousness, perhaps they want to do good in the world, but they're just... I don't know, they're kind of just rolling along in life, not really taking control. What would a word of hope, encouragement, or perhaps exhortation you would have to listeners such as that?
Darwin Shaw:
I mean, I'm not sure if I'm the right person to say this, but I certainly found that doing The Artist's Way and the morning pages, the journaling every morning, really helps you tune into your inner voice. And I think there's a lot of noise out there. I suffer from it as much as anyone else. There's the day-to-day panic about financial security and surviving. I wouldn't give it up for a steady job again. So I think it's about tuning into your inner voice. And I find that the process of journaling a really good way because you start to... Essentially, it is a process of free writing, of just writing everything in your brain down in the morning. And you realize that a lot of the nonsense there is kind of stuff which just gets repeated and you suddenly go, "Well, if I just deal with that nonsense, I'm going to open up a bigger space for some of the things which was really important to me."
And whether that be an artistic pursuit or just something personal or family, it's about really connecting and... I mean, I think meditation people have a great success of that too. If you can hone in on what is truthful to you and follow that, I don't think you're ever going to regret it. You might be like, "Well, I wish I had this, or I had that." But you can always come back to the fact that you are making that decision and that was what your heart was telling you. Maybe it's naive, I don't know. But at least the buck stops with me. I can't complain to anyone else about the state of my life.
Gary Schneeberger:
Listeners, I've been in the communication business long enough to know when the last word has been spoken on an issue, and we just heard the director yell, cut. That's the end of our episode. And on this episode of Burn the Ships for Beyond The Crucible. And remember this, that if it feels like your ships have drifted off course a little bit. If, as you're sailing along, and you look on the horizon, and you see things like Darwin's talking about that maybe appeal to you, bring your heart alive in a different way. Light a match. We'll see you next week.
If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond The Crucible. Visit our website, beyondthecrucible.com to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start, our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible, and to chart a course forward. See you next week.
What do you do when the normal tools you use to navigate life no longer work? When the ships that have taken you to a crossroads – or maybe a crosswaters – in your life are smoldering? According to our guest this week, Finnian Kelly, you set sail in a new craft to a new destination: intentionality.
In this second episode of our winter series BURN THE SHIPS, Kelly discusses how all the success he chased, and caught – a prestigious military career, top-shelf entrepreneurship, star of a National Geographic channel documentary – eventually failed him. Because he had never cared for the wounded soul he suffered as a boy, his world crashed around him in the wake of a difficult divorce and a significant business failure. That’s when he finally did the inner work necessary to allow him to move on to a life of authentic purpose. And he’s not taking that journey alone, but helping others to also live in the now and get on their own unique path to significance.
Highlights
- Thinking about his independence in his early days (1:53)
- The beginning of his life of “chasing” (7:37)
- Chasing was not about materialism (12:46)
- The crash that led him to rewrite the lives under which he lived (14:37)
- Choosing to sail a new ship (15:33)
- The “brave path” of tackling the journey within (22:20)
- The importance and practice of intentionality (38:49)
- Pursuing a path to an extraordinary life can include needing a new ship to get you there (41:54)
- Finnian’s final word of empowerment for listeners (47:36)
Transcript
Gary Schneeberger:
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Warwick Fairfax:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.
Finnian Kelly:
It was a really challenging time where it was just getting through each day was hard enough because all my normal drivers, they were stripped away because I knew the illusion, the illusion had masked and they were like, "That's not going to work this time." Like going in, distracting yourself, going in, focusing on business, traveling, I knew none of it was going to work. So then I even felt even more alone and even more hopeless because my normal drivers, my normal tools, were outside. They were no longer relevant.
Gary Schneeberger:
What do you do when your normal tools are no longer relevant? When the ships that have taken you to a crossroads or maybe a cross waters in your life are smoldering? According to our guests this week, Finnian Kelly, you set sail in the new craft to a new destination. Intentionality. Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. In this second episode of our winter series, Burn The Ships, Kelly discusses how all the success he chased and caught a prestigious military career, top shelf entrepreneurship, star of a National Geographic channel documentary eventually failed him because he had never cared for the wounded soul he suffered as a boy. His world crashed around him in the wake of a difficult divorce. That's when he finally did the inner work necessary to allow him to move on to a life of authentic purpose. And he's not taking that journey alone, but helping others to also live in the now and get on their own unique path to significance.
Warwick Fairfax:
Well, Finnian, thanks so much. And Finnian, as you'll hear his accent is a fellow Australian from Tasmania. I understand. So kind of island off the southeast coast of Australia. Not quite as many people in that state as some others, but a beautiful state, mountains and hiking and just a beautiful corner of the world. But Finnian, I love what you do with Intentionality, but you had an interesting upbringing and the way you described it on your website, you're a really good writer. I love the phrases you use, it's just so intriguing. So just tell us a bit about how you grew up and it set you on a certain path that maybe in hindsight wasn't quite as helpful, but looking back at it. But just tell us a bit about going up in Tasmania, family and just the path that you set yourself on, if you will.
Finnian Kelly:
I will. Well, thanks Gary and Warwick for having me. I'm excited about this. And Warwick, I'm interested to see how our Australian accents will start morphing back to Australian because we're both in America and it's sort of after a period of time with some other Australians we're like, "All right, here comes our language again, our slang. So let's see how we go.
Warwick Fairfax:
There you go.
Finnian Kelly:
Go. Yeah. So I grew up in Tasmania. I was actually born in Sydney, grew up in Tasmania to very different individuals. And they're are very important part of my story because you can see if you can think about living with intentionality, I don't think they parented with intentionality. It was a very different approach. They were doing the best they could and it drove me to really start thinking about my independence at a very young age. I had a pivotal moment on my 10 year old birthday, which was the moment where effectively I split into parts. We've heard a lot of this part language and internal family systems, how we have these different elements of ourselves, which are formed over time, often to protect ourselves. When we're young, we are not in a place where our conscious mind is developed enough to identify that, well, the way they're behaving actually has nothing to do with you.
It's all about their own issues and it feels too grand to process on your own. So they form a protector and an event occurred, which I felt that I'd lost all trust in my parents, and I didn't know at the time, but I created a core belief that I was going to be abandoned. So my protector kicked in and just said, "All right, if you are going to be abandoned, you can't trust your parents. You're going to be a very independent person from a young age." So straight away I started earning money, created a plan on how to get myself into a school, which was a private school where I identified that their families had a bit more connection and perhaps I could go right on their journey and resulted me being the youngest person to graduate from a school youngest army officer in Australia.
And it just set off this sort of chain of progress, achievement. I had a lot of success as an entrepreneur and you get celebrated on that journey. People keep saying, you get recognized with awards, I've done a lot of cool stuff. And it literally, it always comes crashing down if your core program is built on fear. And my core program was built on fear, which was abandonment. So effectively one day I woke up at 32 with everything around me being abandoned. And that was my real crucible moment where I went, "Okay, this isn't working anymore. I have to unlock this inside of myself. I have to explore what faulty coding I have inside of me and I have to go, "Okay, I have to take responsibility for my actions, but I didn't code this. Someone else coded this inside of me and it's time to take back control of my operating system and code myself with the beliefs that's going to serve me from now on."" And that's been really my path to Intentionality.
Warwick Fairfax:
As I mentioned, I love some of the phrases that you use on your website. I love how you say I needed to learn independence so I chose a farm and Tasmania and parents who didn't care too much about what I did or achieved, as you talk about a sort of, I made their lack of interest mean they didn't love me. Not to say that they didn't, but we interpret messages in ways that may be true or not true.
You talked about feeling abandoned and lacking. And then I find this phrase fascinating, a couple phrases. You said, "I tried to fill that hole in the only way I understood it through the achievement of external things." And you say this. "And so I began my life of chasing and the process, I forgot who I was." So talk about how somehow that sense of abandonment or lack of love or however, whether it's real or not real, that’s how you interpret it, that was your reality, which is really the important thing. So talk about how that morphed into achievement of an external things and chasing, because it feels like for part of your life, it was the external and the chasing that was who Finnian Kelly was, right?
Finnian Kelly:
Yeah, you're right. And I don't believe it was who I was. In my core fundamental essence, it was a reaction to an experience. And I'm really glad you picked up on the interpretation. People often they hear my story and then they make it about their story, but they don't realize it's an interpretation. And that's all that really matters is it's never about the facts. It's never about the story. It's never the content. How did you experience this? What are your feelings? And it's something that is done really poorly in relationships. We never just acknowledge that the other person is feeling this way. We get too caught into the content. So I'm just glad that you picked up on that. So for me, ultimately what happened is I didn't have a home. I didn't feel a foundation. Yes, there was a physical home, but to me, home is safety, it's love, it's nourishing, it's the ability to be grounded and trust.
And if I didn't have that, then it's a very, it's almost like you're an orphan, you feel disconnected. So what I would do was, well, in order to mask the really unpleasant sensations of actually the gravity of that situation, I went, "Well, I don't need that." So what did I do? I created a life where I did anything but home. I joined the army, traveled around the world, constantly jumping from one thing to the next, never bought a home, any of these things because if I actually went and claimed a home, then it potentially could be taken away from me. And that had already happened once. So I never wanted that possibility again. So that's where it really set off that thing of success because it was a way to distract myself from my core feelings because it was actually too hard to face, to actually identify that this who I actually believe I'm a very loving, kind boy and not being fully accepted or understood or seen, which are the core desires of humans, is to feel seen and understood.
That was confronting. So I just did everything to distract myself. Now it's not saying that wasn't the right path for me, it was actually my path to my spiritual awakening. It's just many different paths and I would love the people to identify this earlier on and actually acknowledge their feelings and then work through it. Because you can do a lot of damage to yourself and to others in that time and you don't always wake up from your crucible moment as well. I think you've probably experienced that with yours. It's a pretty tough time. And yes, it can be an incredible catalyst for growth. It can also be a catalyst for destruction. It can be something that you just never recover from and your soul just goes, all right, next lifetime will. We'll do it next time.
Warwick Fairfax:
And that's so true. I love this image. I know you're sort of army background. And just for American listeners, when you say you went to Duntroon, that is the US equivalent of West Point. It's a big deal. It's the elite army military college, you founded a couple businesses. One, I think you sold for seven figures. You were really, really successful in everything you did and was truly impressive.
But I have this image of this ship being unmoored. It's like going to port is not safe. You got to keep cruising at as high a rate of knot as you possibly can. If you pause and go to port and have to think about a home, bad things will happen because you'll have to confront feelings that you don't want to. I'm not saying that's right necessarily, but that was your reality of constantly chasing and moving and charging so you don't have to think about home or some of these feelings. It's a lot of people kind of stuff it, push the feelings under and just go forward and don't think just move because thinking is too painful. Is that feeling somewhat your reality at the time?
Finnian Kelly:
And I've actually just changed that language. It wasn't that thinking is too painful, it's feeling is too painful. So instead we avoid the feeling and then we actually think, we ruminate and we distract ourselves and go onto these coded belief loops, which is ultimately my work now is helping people identify these coded negative belief loops and how to rewire them. And I think what's interesting about my story is when people hear this sort of chasing success, they think it's all about the materialism side of things. I wasn't driven by materialism at all. It was never about that. It was just how could I feel like I'm doing something that makes me feel valued? Because my core is I didn't feel valued. And so that's why all my businesses were purpose driven. It was why I'd always shop for friends traveling around the world to go to their parties, whatever it is. I had to feel like I was worth something because my origin story defined that I wasn't.
Warwick Fairfax:
That is fascinating what you're saying because obviously there's a pivot which we'll get to here in a millisecond, but it seems like your friends wouldn't necessarily say "Finnian's a bad guy. It's all about money and power." It sounds like you were doing some worthwhile endeavors during that time. So people might say, "Finnian's a good guy, he cares about his friends, he tries to give back, he tries to live a life of purpose. Finnian's a good guy." So it sounds like it wasn't like, you're the sort of character and Citizen Kane and it's all about money and power and treading on the whole guy. And just if I can crush somebody, then I do because it's so fun. That wasn't who you were pre-crash if you will, which is fascinating. Your average friend would say, Finnian's a good guy and he's doing great. Right?
Finnian Kelly:
Yeah. And a lot of people looked up to me at that time as well. So when my crash came, it was very confronting to them because they thought that I had life worked out. So that was a very, very confusing moment for a lot of people. And it's one of those things I often talk about, I always get a little bit wary when people say that they're here to save the world and they're got this high altruistic side of things because often a lot of the time it's masking just their own unpleasant sensations. They don't want to feel this side of themselves. And also as you go along this journey, you start realizing, who am I, my limited self to think that this world isn't perfect just the way it is. Why do I need to be the one who meddles with it? So it's not about giving you away the altruistic desire to help people, but this whole idea of the world is broken and I need to fix it. There's a lot of ego hanging out in that as well.
Gary Schneeberger:
And there's a quote that you said, Finnian that I think really speaks to this point before we pivot into the crash. And again, this series is called Burn the Ships. And as you've talked about the things that you accomplished, the things that you were doing and how people looked up to you, I mean, you didn't just burn one ship, there were a lot of ships that were floating that you had going, that were a lot of different ships sailing under different flags. But you did pivot, but you said this about what you were just talking about, you will always have a sense of emptiness when you're looking for fulfillment from outside of yourself, even if what you're looking for is that altruistic thing. That seemed to be, it came to a point that you could no longer live unriven by having that perspective, right?
Finnian Kelly:
Yeah. So right Gary, what actually was the most interesting point about my sort of pre-crucible moment was I was living a life of Intentionality. I had a very clear vision. I had achieved it. I just sold my second company. I was financially independent, I was married, I was moving over to America to live in a ski resort in Beaver Creek, like skiing 100 days a year. And to top it even off, I had been recognized as a philanthropist and I was doing a documentary with National Geographic about supporting, I was in Bulgaria and I had to find a project, I find out what was wrong, funded all myself in this beautiful experience, which was really the highlight of my career. And at that exact moment, I was also, the illusion was starting to break away, or yeah, I was starting to discover the illusion because I'd always told myself that when this happens I'm going to feel fulfilled.
And in an exact moment I achieved everything in my life vision pretty much. Obviously there was more things I could have been open to, but I'd had the foundations, it was almost like the lie just suddenly started to surface. I just went, this is one giant lie, this isn't actually working for me. So at that peak moment was actually where it was all starting to fall away. And that's what will always happen if your foundations are built on negative belief loops. Eventually the core program of fear or I'm not enough, will always end up manifesting because that's the soul journey, is the soul journey, is to realize you are enough and you are love. And so that's something for people to remember.
Warwick Fairfax:
Wow, that's so profound. So talk about some of the elements of the crucible or the crash that really led you to turn inward and do what you'd avoided your whole life in a sense, which is get in touch with your feelings, get in touch emotionally with what's going on in your inner Finnian Kelly, if you will. So there are a couple of different elements to the crash that change the course of your life. So just tell folks about those couple elements.
Finnian Kelly:
Yeah, I look back and the way I describe the Crucible is that your soul has a journey in this lifetime and it's really here to grow and there's a particular reason and this higher self of ours, this is just my view, but it puts us in into this environment with these parents, into this situation and with these circumstances in life to learn a particular thing and apply it. And when you have that view, once again it's just a belief. All beliefs are made up. So why not have beliefs that serve you? That's a foundational part of my work is I don't care what you believe in, just are they serving you? So that makes me feel a little bit better. So in this, I almost think if you are not paying attention to your soul's journey, spirit will pick you up and smash you on the ground to wake you up, to force you.
Because some of us are very stubborn, some of us with our intellect, super smart, we can rationalize everything and we can sort of manipulate our way through things. But eventually it goes all right, it's time, it's wake it up. And for me it required a few different elements all happening at once. So one, my wife's dad suddenly died in a really tragic accident and he was a father figure I was starting to accept, I never had a father figure and I was starting to accept in a life. So once again, that abandonment program kicked in. And then we sold a business to some just not very ethical people who from the first moment had the strategy of putting us in a litigious fight. And in that moment you never win. And they weren't paying us the money. So huge financial loss. Then I'd launched a bunch of other businesses at the same time and I then suddenly went in through this really challenging experience because my relationship with my wife just wasn't the same after her dad died.
And I didn't have the tools that I do now to understand that this wasn't about me, it was her experience. And also we have this story around our relationship was like the golden couple that when any crack started coming, we didn't want to actually acknowledge them because it would be too confronting. So we sort of swept them under the carpet till eventually I had a burnout and I just went, "I can't do this anymore." And I had to shut down a company that I just raised money for. I paid all the investors out of my own pocket. I didn't have to, but it's just an integrity piece. I felt like they were backing me and I couldn't deliver the way I did. And that sort of just all started spiraling. And then eventually one day I addressed this with my wife, and she wanted some space and then just never came back.
She just never came back to Beaver Creek. So I was sitting in this house after all of this had happened and that was my crucible moment. And the key part of this moment, I remember this, I woke up one day and I was just sitting there and I just went, "I don't ever want to feel this way again." Now I want you to focus on those words. Notice I didn't say think, I said feel. I don't ever want to feel this way again. And that was my moment where I just went, "Okay, I've tried everything with my intellect, my rational mind, and it still didn't work. I have to go explore and go what is inside of me, which is driving this." And that was my real moment of I suppose my big awakening and my spiritual progression.
Warwick Fairfax:
So in that moment when you said, "I never want to feel this way again.", what were you feeling in those lowest moments? What was going on inside?
Finnian Kelly:
There was a lot of aloneness, just feeling completely alone, not understood, shame, lot of self-criticism. I'm someone who some people take on victim, some people take on more responsibility and both aren't a good path. I could take on too much responsibility. So there was just a lot of self-criticism and just ultimately just sad. I was just so sad that this had occurred and that somehow through my actions that this had actually happened. So it was just those feelings and it was a really challenging time where it was just getting through each day was hard enough because all my normal drivers, they were stripped away because I knew the illusion the had masked and they were like, that's not going to work this time. Going in, distracting yourself, going in, focusing on business, traveling, I knew none of it was going to work. So then I even felt even more alone and even more hopeless because my normal drivers, my normal tools were out outside. They were no longer relevant.
Gary Schneeberger:
Yeah you would say potentially all your ships burned, all the things that got you from one place to the other burned. That is a moment where that's what we're talking about in this series is that moment where you face that and then you decide to move forward in a new ship in a different direction. And that's certainly what you did.
Warwick Fairfax:
As you're talking, you spent a lifetime running away from your feelings and emotions because you didn't want to deal with them. So the problem is when you stop or you hit a brick wall, those feelings like a tidal wave hit you. It's easy to say in hindsight it'll be amateur psychologist. When you have those negative feelings and trauma, it's better to deal with them at the time because if you don't deal with them it hits you like a Mack truck. I mean it's dozens of psychologists could tell you that and that's great, but didn't help you with the time. Thank you. But I am where I am and the tidal wave is hitting me. And you talked earlier and stuff you sent us about negative belief loops and unhealed trauma, memories from childhood. So all of this is just hitting you just wave after wave of I'm sure intense emotion.
So it's hard. That's the benefit in a weird cryptic wave of a crucible, it's so painful. You can't ignore that tidal wave of emotions. No human could ignore that. You can't say I'm going to ignore that. You can't. It just your mind and agony and pain. So you faced this trauma and so what did you do then? Because one of the things we say at Beyond the Crucible, you have a choice. "You can say this is unfair, my wife left me, my family upbringing wasn't great. Maybe I made some bad choices. I don't know", but a combination of "Why did this happen to me?" Or "Of course it happened to me because I deserve all this stuff." Or whatever the negative cocktail is. Some people would say, "You know what, I'm just going to spend the next 50 years in bitterness and anger." And some people choose that.
And we talked earlier, but you chose a different path. How did you choose a path of healing and intentionality, if you will? I don't know if you even thought of that word at the time, but you made a choice and we cannot minimize the pain and the tidal wave of agony you were going through. How did you make that choice not to just dwell in the pit of agony and trauma and anger and bitterness? How did you get out of that pit, if you will?
Finnian Kelly:
Well, I'm really glad Warwick, you just repeated the word choice eight times because we needed to hear that because it is choice. That was the biggest thing I realized was perhaps I didn't have choice in my younger years. I wasn't developed enough. But right now I did have choice on how I handled this and how I was going to move through. And how I actually handled that choice was I basically looked at the paths that were available to me and the one path which was the familiar path, which was the running, the distracting, focusing on external things. One, I just recognized that those tools weren't even available, but it was built on fear. And I could just see where that was going to go to because I've already done that path and then ended up exactly where I was right now. And it was probably going to be even worse because I could, I wasn't in the illusion anymore.
So then I went, well what's the other path? And in that path I started going, "Well I have to take responsibility for this. I can't blame anyone else and I have to explore what could be potentially inside of me that could have brought this on because I had enough realization of that time that we are the creators of our own reality. I was already starting to teach that to people. And so I had that awareness and I went, "Well, if I'm the creator of my own reality, I've created this somehow. And yes, it's not conscious, but it's unconsciously I've created it. I'm still a creator." And that there is agency when you realize you are the creator. So in that moment it's challenging because at one point you're like, "How could I have done this? This is too painful to even comprehend." But if you realize that you have done this, it's also the liberating moment because you realize that you have the choice to get yourself out of this.
And that there is, when people can fully accept that, that's the moment of transformation where it starts beginning because they realize, all right, there's a way out of it. So in that moment I went, well really it was the path of love. And I had to go, "Well, how do I get to know myself? How do I feel this? How do I process this?" And I started looking at all the things that could have contributed to this moment. For example, I hadn't spoken to my dad in 19 years that probably might have contributed in my relationship. I had resentment against my mom, I had body complexes, all these little different things where I went, perhaps that's taking its toll on me. And I realized I also had this starting to understand this concept of time and about how time is just a construct and we don't understand it very, very well.
And one of the worst coded negative belief loops out there is that time heals all things. It's a complete lie because if time heals all these things, why was I in this situation from something that happened 22 years ago and it was still affecting everything in my life? And that was my moment where I went, "Well I tried the time thing, I tried that and it was still affecting me." And I realized, well if I don't address this now, this is going to just compound and it's going to affect me for the rest of my life. And that was when I first discovered that trauma doesn't operate in time. It doesn't at all, it doesn't even remember time, it remembers it like it was happened yesterday. And that's when I realized energy is what mattered. And I had to put the right energy into this experience and that entailed me.
I sat in my big nine bedroom mansion in Beaver Creek alone by myself for multiple months. I didn't party, I didn't distract myself completely celibate. And I just started focusing on every day what are the behaviors that will help me feel a little bit more, a little bit more peace, a little bit more joy, feeling a little bit more love for myself. And that started a chain of events. And before you knew it, I was walking across Spain doing the El Camino 500 mile pilgrimage, I'd done medicine journeys, I had gone to Burning Man, I had done a lot of spiritual healing work with my younger self. And that was really where it all started awakening for me.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah, I want to just dwell on what you're saying, Finnian, because people really need to understand the profound truth that you're talking about is often the hardest journey. The bravest journey is the journey within, is dealing with the inner trauma, emotions. A lot of guys especially trying to bury it stuff it move on, pretend to be tough and cool and all that, which is not a helpful typology if you will. But you chose the brave path. You chose to go full on to go, I don't know, to go to skiing metaphors like the triple black diamond approach. I'm going to head down the toughest slope I can, which is the journey within. That is the ultimate frontier, the Mount Everest, if you will. So I really admire that because obviously listeners know with, they know my journey pretty well by now with the 2.25 billion takeover of my family's large 150 media company in Australia.
And when that ended in 1990, yeah, I'm like you in the sense if there's a problem in the world, I assume it's my fault. That's my go-to. And so I was self flagellating metaphorically. And how could have been so dumb? I had a Harvard MBA, how could I thought the family wouldn't sell out, how could just beat myself up. And yeah, there was a fair share of dysfunction in my family without getting to details. So yeah, I had certainly opportunities for forgiveness, put it that way. But I guess to me, I learnt some things, which I'm sure you have is with forgiveness, you've got to forgive yourself. It's like, I'm 26. When I launched the takeover, I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I honestly didn't. I was just naive, young and idealistic, which is not always a good combination. I had my reasons and I've talked about that often and other podcasts.
But so unintentionally caused a lot of damage, some relationally. But I had to forgive myself. I was young, naive and I made some mistakes and then I had to forgive others. And we talk a lot on the podcast, forgiveness doesn't mean condoning, you know, forgive not because other people and necessarily what you forgive because you are worth it. And again, it doesn't mean condoning what was done to you, what was to anybody. So obviously you've learned all this I'm sure over the years. So just talk about some of those elements that people can understand of part of the way getting out of the pit of trauma is forgiving yourself, accepting yourself, forgiving others, not condoning, just talk about why those elements are important and you know, want to live a life of intentionality. You can't do a thing without dealing with that first, right? So talk about how you would characterize that.
Finnian Kelly:
Well thank you Warwick, that is very nice to hear that compliment. And also, yeah, I fully have compassion for your journey as well. It's an incredible one. And I'm also, it's such an interesting thing after you've been on this journey, I just want to touch on this quickly is that we will never give it back as well. I look back at that period and sometimes I'm almost envious of that version of myself. It's just completely, everything was open and you're just discovering new things each moment. It's confronting, but it's also a very, very invigorating period of my life. So I just want to address that. So the forgiveness and the acknowledgement bit. So I was saying that forgiveness sets you free, acknowledgement sets the other person free. So forgiving isn't really about the other person. Forgiveness is all about you. It means that there's some energetic connection which is affecting you.
So I had to do a deep period of forgiving myself. And I remember on the Camino, each day I would pick a different theme. And this was a little bit, what's that word where you're just sabotaging yourself a little bit on or bit macho, but it was needed. And I'd pick a day, one day it would be ex-girlfriends, another day would be business things. And I just went through and I just did an inventory of everything that I needed to forgive myself for. And it was that, it was this awareness that I just knew that this wasn't serving me, it was putting my lower energy centers and I had to get back into my heart center and having compassion for myself and going, "Well I do this for other people, so why can't I do this myself?" So that was a very, very important cleaning out of the inventory.
And then the acknowledgement piece is understanding how your behaviors may have impacted others. And when you acknowledge so often people think it's about shaming yourself and it's not. It's just actually recognizing that yeah, your younger version, just like you just said, you can see now, yes, you may have gone in with good intent, however your actions had consequences and hit other people. And you can acknowledge that now. And that there is just, what it does is it helps people get back to that core desire of feeling seen and feeling understood. And I've never seen a point where when I've done some acknowledgement or someone's acknowledged me, I've never pushed them away. I'm always like, "Oh thank you." They get it. And it feels really nice. And it's been the core thing I've always wanted from my parents was just proper acknowledgement, just understanding that yes, some of the behaviors could have had an impact on us.
And unfortunately a lot of people don't have the courage to do that. Cause they operate from fear and they believe that they're going to be found out or that person's going to be left. And I can tell you, the other person already knows. The fact that you are, even having the opportunity to speak to them shows that they want to forgive you, they want to love you. And this is the most shocking thing I see with parents when they give up on children, it's coded into the child to forgive the parent. They naturally love the parent. And when parents give that up, I'm just like, "Oh, you're missing out on an opportunity here. Even if you think your behaviors were right, it doesn't matter because it's not the content, it's how the other person is feeling." And that's something which is with super important.
So that was really what it was all about. And the doorway to doing that is that self-compassion actually going, how can you be kind to yourself, love yourself, realizing that you're not perfect? And this whole story, one of the greatest traps is I should have known better. Why did I do this? And I always go, "Well, if you did, you would have." That's the thing. So this whole thing of hindsight where it's like, oh, if I should have done this. And I'm like, "Well no, you shouldn't have. You just weren't at that level of consciousness yet. And that's okay. But now you are, now you've learned." And that's the moment is am I going to repeat these mistakes? And if we don't forgive and we don't acknowledge, then we're just creating programs down to our subconscious because the subconscious receives orders through the strongest emotion and it just then creates more outcomes of your life like it. And that's the moment where I now go, "Well, that was your missed opportunity. That was sad."
Warwick Fairfax:
Well said. Yeah. And from my standpoint, you've got to give yourself some grace. We all make mistakes and you acknowledge, try and atone to the degree that it's necessary. But I want to just pivot to what you do now with Intentionality is obviously, I'm sure linked to what we're talking about. And I think you wrote somewhere that Intentionality guides people to be purposeful and aligned in their beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors so that they can be more in love with their lives. So just talk about your mission in life now of just helping to guide people into a life of Intentionality, which I kind of love that concept. So just talk a bit about that, your mission and why that's important and what that is.
Finnian Kelly:
Thank you. So we've actually expanded the definition of Intentionality to be rooted in science and psychology. Intentionality is a principled and transformative approach designed to help people harness the power of the present, crack the elusive codes of social conditioning, and effectively create and sustain the path to extraordinary life. So the key points are is this sort of the power of the present. That's all that matters, Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now. And we have these codes of social conditioning which are determining everything in our life. And we think that this is what we want, but it's actually not us. It's through other people. And then how do you become the conscious creator? And that's really when we think about our overall mission, it's really how do we help people find their path, experience, the lasting transformation, and we do that through cracking the code to conscious creation.
So each day we're looking and I'm like, we're all testing as a team and going, "What's the code? How do we make people more and more consciously create?" Because we're all creating every day, but most of us are creating through an unconscious mechanism. And that's why we keep repeating the sabotaging behaviors and not getting the desired feeling. So that's what we're really doing. And it's super exciting. When I think about my life's work, this is definitely it because it's for my own needs. I'm solving my own needs. That's where Intentionality was born out of. I never thought of anyone else. It was the first time where I stopped thinking about other people. I just purely thought about myself and went, "How do I get myself out of this? I have been coded with some faulty beliefs and I don't want this anymore." And through a period of discovery, I really uncovered that there's five core sort of beliefs, these belief programs which are sabotaging us.
And then I created five principles which are the loopholes to these beliefs. And it's super exciting. It's applicable to individuals, organizations, communities, culture in general. And now I'm just focused on how do I get people to realize that there is another way and that they do have choice and they have agency and it can be a lot easier. That's a big thing that I want people to realize is that life doesn't have to be hard. That's another belief that we've brought in to. Life can be easy and there's magic out there.
And it's amazing. I pinch myself each day that I get to live this right now. And that's where I'm just so grateful for these younger versions myself and just going, "You did it." And then I look at all the people that I brought into my life effectively, like conspired into my soul journey and played out their roles and I have gratitude them to them. Now, it doesn't condone some of the things that they did to me, but I do have a deep sense of gratitude and that just helps me live more peacefully anyway, so that's another example of a belief that works for me.
Gary Schneeberger:
That sounds, you heard listeners was the captain of our Qantas airline. Since we have some Aussie accents here on the show indicating that we've begun our dissent, we're not going to land yet because I've got a couple of questions I want to ask you and then also give you the chance to tell people how they can find out more about Intentionality.com. But back, I don't know, 10 minutes or so ago you offered the revamped definition of Intentionality. And I used to be a newspaper reporter, so I took bad notes because that's what newspaper reporters do. But here's what I got out of the back end of that. It's about creating and pursuing the path to an extraordinary life. And it seems to me in the context of this series that we're doing called Burn the Ships, that can include sometimes that creating and pursuing a path to an extraordinary life can include that pivot, can include that path, can include needing a new ship to get you there.
Finnian Kelly:
It definitely can. And the great thing is that you don't actually have to create your ship sometimes. There's a lot of ships out there waiting for you to jump on and go on that journey. And so often, I don't know, we try to reinvent the wheel, but this truths of humanity have been there since the day of dawn. And all the different spiritual texts, if you look at them at the essence at the core, they're all speaking the same thing, approaching it from different parts, but they're having the same messages. And so what I really encourage people to do is just go find some people who you look like you respect their life and go on a journey. Now it doesn't mean hand over your agency to them, that's very important. That's how people get end up being in organizations where they're getting taken advantage of.
And we've seen that in mainstream religions, whatever we want to do at cults, whatever there is. But you don't have to do this alone. There's other people out there who have left truths out there and you can go on that journey. And that's where I think I found truth through meditation. I've found truths through nature. Nature is the greatest truth vehicle. If you just go spend more time in nature, that is the greatest ship of all time, isn't it? And it holds you never asks anything of you, it supports you. And that might be a ship that's available for everyone. And unfortunately we don't take it.
Gary Schneeberger:
I've co-hosted 150 plus episodes of this show with work, and I can see him nodding his head. He wants to say something really quick, but before I let them do that, I would be remiss, Finnian if I didn't give you the chance to let people know, I mean we've said Intentionality.com a lot, so that's probably where they can go see more about it. But tell listeners what they'll find there, what kind of services you offer, how can they find you online, and what will you help them do when they get there?
Finnian Kelly:
Great. So the, that's your probably best place to start would be Finniankelly.com and-
Gary Schneeberger:
And that's two ns in the front part of Finnian right?
Finnian Kelly:
Yeah, yeah. Finniankelly.com/podcast. And I've created a bunch of gifts that will just start them on the journey just exploring. I've an intentional living guide. There's a bunch of Intentionality tools to start applying into your life. We're just in a rebrand of Intentionality right now. So the website where we are launching a new website, so that might be up by the time we're there. And my whole thing is that it's a behavior-based approach. So that's the loophole, is you get focused really on the desired feelings. That's the key essence of all this is like what are my desired feelings? And then what's the behavior that's going to start driving to that? So I always say "You're only one breath away from Intentionality.", because when you take one breath, you slow it down and you have a chance to go, do I want to activate the old program?
Do I want to react or do I want to get connected to my desired feelings and respond with a behavior that's going to lead me to me, that feeling. So just do one thing today, which is a little bit different. And that's why we create all of these tools and when people go on that tool journey, they start seeing it. We have different retreats, online programs, but the key thing for me is I just want people just to start living this life. So we've got a bunch of free content there and just go on that journey. And then if you feel like our ship could potentially accelerate your journey, come join us. It'd be a lot of fun.
Gary Schneeberger:
Warwick, the last question as always is yours.
Warwick Fairfax:
Well, Finnian, thank you so much for being here. I mean, it really is inspiring your journey and it's a courageous journey that you've been on to finding who you are, dealing with some things, living a life of Intentionality, which it's a brilliant faith, your should lead intentional lives. So I'm thinking that maybe some people listening today, and maybe they're going at mock three, they're founding businesses, they're getting degrees, maybe they're saving the world in a sense of, oh, maybe I feel better about myself, of the more people I "save" maybe it's motivation for me is everything. It's great to help people, but what's the motivation? What's the inner... But maybe people listening here, were going at a very fast pace and it's like, "Well, I can't stop because stuff will catch up with me or I'll crash." And so I don't know if it's a word of hope or warning, but for those that are the pre-crash Finnian Kelly's, of this world, what would you say to those folks who are listening right now?
Finnian Kelly:
Well, I would empower them to start reclaiming their feelings and start seeing that this is actually their greatest asset. Their feelings become their greatest asset, and it's ultimately how we take back control of our systems. So I would inspire them to just start really being curious and going, "Is this really the life that you want? Are you making conscious decisions? Or is this from some form of programming, which it may be from people you don't even really respect? And in that moment you have self-exploration that will start opening up things, you'll start asking the right questions and you'll start getting the right answers, and it will prevent you from having the crucible moment, which in itself, that is the crucible moment if you start asking the questions because you start realizing that, okay, I need to burn the ship down. Don't have to burn it all down, but I can change my life right now.
Gary Schneeberger:
I've been in the communications business long enough to know when the last word on the subject's been spoken and Finnian Kelly just spoke it. Thank you listener for spending this time with us on this special episode of our special series, Burn the Ships and remember this truth, if your ships are not sailing in the direction you wish they were sailing, if you feel like you're drifting off course a little bit, now is the time to get a match. We'll see you next week.
If you enjoyed this episode, learned something from it, we invite you to engage more deeply with those of us at Beyond The Crucible. Visit our website beyondthecrucible.com to explore a plethora of offerings to help you transform what's been broken into breakthrough. A great place to start our free online assessment, which will help you pinpoint where you are on your journey beyond your crucible, and to chart a course forward. See you next week.
Eryn Eddy had found a way to make her passion for music pay off — licensing her original compositions to VH1 and MTV and some of the most popular shows on television. But she longed to give people more than a song to listen to. She wanted to give them a truth to live by. That makes her the ideal first guest for our new series BURN THE SHIPS, in which we’re talking with men and women who have been brave enough to make dramatic pivots, leaving behind “safe” and familiar lives to do something dramatic, new, life-changing and significant – facing down and overcoming crucibles along the way.
Eddy has done just that, starting by spray-painting fans’ T-shirts with the simple, profound message SO WORTH LOVING. Her efforts offered so much hope and healing to so many people that So Worth Loving became a successful lifestyle brand that, as the company mission statement puts it, exists to remind you of your worth so you can remind others of theirs. In fact, that’s been Eryn’s own story, as she explains in our interview. Self-doubt, broken relationships, fears that what she tried just might not work out – those are the crucibles she’s fought through to help others find the resilience to do the same.
Highlights
- Eryn’s early days in an entrepreneurial family (5:38)
- How her dad always empowered women (6:08)
- Confusion about how to make her dream come true (7:50)
- Discovering her passion for music (10:27)
- Burning her musical ships to pursue So Worth Loving (14:46)
- How realizing she was so worth loving helped her burn the ships (19:35)
- The night that changed her life (24:42)
- Crying out to God in her despair (30:11)
- The impact of the feedback from those she was helping (33:31)
- The similarities of the missions of So Worth Loving and Beyond the Crucible (39:20)
- Being broken but beautiful (40:49)
- Eryn’s word of hope for listeners (49:16)
Transcript
Gary Schneeberger:
We've seen so much interest in our special 23% off offer for our e-course, Discover Your Second-Act Significance, that we're continuing it throughout February. The three module video course will equip you to transform your life from, "Is this all there is," to, "This is all I've ever wanted." Each session is led by Beyond the Crucible founder, Warwick Fairfax, who shares his own hard won successes in turning trials into triumphs, and he's got some high powered help from USA Today's gratitude guru to a runner-up on TV's Project Runway, from a recording artist with a billboard number one album to a couple of bestselling authors. It's an ensemble of men and women living significant second acts who would command a six figure price tag if any business wanted to fill an auditorium with them to coach their employees, but we've packed their insights and action steps into our course for a sliver of that cost.
And if you act before the end of February, you'll get 23% off your enrollment. Just visit Secondactsignificance.com and use the code 23for23. So don't delay, enroll today, and remember, life is too short to live a life you don't love. Now, here's today's podcast episode.
Warwick Fairfax:
Welcome to Beyond the Crucible. I'm Warwick Fairfax, the founder of Crucible Leadership.
Eryn Eddy:
So I had my music blog on Tumblr and put my home address on my Tumblr blog, and I asked people, I said, "Mail me your personal shirt. I'll spray paint an empowering phrase," because all my music was empowering, so just kind of went in with this concept of me creating music and talking to my fans through my blog. I just like, "Hey, mail me one of your shirts. I'll spray paint that you're so worth loving, and I'll mail it back to you for free," and I was doing that with my businesses now, So Worth Loving. So I thought I was going to do music 100%, but that wasn't the case. There were bigger plans.
Gary Schneeberger:
Bigger plans? Bigger than licensing her original music to VH1 and MTV and some of the most popular shows on television? You bet. Because Eryn Eddy wanted to give people more than a song to listen to. She wanted to give them a truth to live by. Hi, I'm Gary Schneeberger, co-host of the show. Today marks the premier episode of our new series, Burn the Ships. We're talking with guests who've been brave enough to make dramatic pivots, leaving behind safe and familiar lives to do something dramatic, new, life changing, and significant, facing down and overcoming crucibles along the way, and Eryn is the perfect guest to get us going on this journey.
What started as spray painting fans' T-shirts with the simple, profound message, "So worth loving," has offered hope and healing to so many people that it's now a successful lifestyle brand that, as the company mission statement puts, exists to remind you of your worth, so you can remind others of theirs. In fact, that's been Eryn's own story as she tells Warwick in this interview. Self-doubt, broken relationships, fears that what she tried just might not work out, those are the crucibles she's fought through to help others find the resilience to do the same.
Warwick Fairfax:
Eryn, thank you so much for being here. I loved reading your book, So Worth Loving. I mean, obviously we grew up very differently, you small town in Georgia, me, big city, Sydney, in Australia, and a massive family business, but just this whole concept of, which we'll get into a bit, your journey to both help other people realize that they're loved, but also realize that you're loved, which almost feels like a lifelong journey to actually realize it, and obviously for you and I, that God loves us and loves everybody unconditionally. So I love the theme of your book, and I resonated with so much of it despite our backgrounds being pretty radically different, which is pretty amazing.
But before we get into, and obviously we want to hear a bit about So Worth Loving in terms of your whole company, and how that all got started, but tell us a bit of the backstory about growing up in a small town in Georgia with parents who were entrepreneurial furniture folks with a store, and it sounds like a couple of sisters. And so just tell us a bit about what life was like for you growing up.
Eryn Eddy:
Yeah. Well, thank you for having me. I'm honored, and I love that our stories can be so different and yet we can connect on so many levels of the emotional ups and downs that come with owning something to struggling with owning something, whether it's owning our emotions or it's owning a business.
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah.
Eryn Eddy:
My parents, they've manufactured furniture for almost 40 years, and my grandmother, actually, she was the person that owned her business before my mom and dad decided to go on that endeavor, and her business, she was the fastest growing furniture maker in the south. It was so rare for women business owners to emerge in the seventies and eighties, and so they were fascinated, and Ronald Reagan, he honored her at the White House.
Warwick Fairfax:
Oh, wow.
Eryn Eddy:
Because it was like, "Who is this female that owns a business in the south, and it's successful?" And he really empowered women in that way. So anyway, so I did grow up with that in my blood. Entrepreneurship was in my DNA from my grandma to my grandfather, to my great-grandma, to my great-grandfather, just kind of I'm a lineage of it, but I grew up, tiny town, 3000 people, so a little smaller than the town that you grew up in.
Warwick Fairfax:
Indeed, yes. Smaller than Sydney, just a tad. Yeah.
Eryn Eddy:
Just a little bit. Yeah, my family, we had tons of animals. I mean, we bred great Danes, we bred Jack Russells. It was like a zoo on 16 acres in this tiny town, but what's interesting and unique about my story is that while I grew up in the South, both my parents are from the north, so my dad is from Ohio, and my mom is from Indiana. So I didn't have this typical southern belle that you hear small town in the south. While I was in a small town in the south, I was raised by people from the Midwest and up north.
Gary Schneeberger:
Bravo. As someone who lives in Wisconsin and was born in Wisconsin, I have to applaud that.
Warwick Fairfax:
Well, and I say my wife actually came from a small town in northeast Ohio, so pretty familiar with Ohio.
Eryn Eddy:
Oh, okay. Oh, nice, nice. See, so I grew up with my mom, loved Miracle Whip, not mayonnaise. I don't know if that's a Midwest or a northern thing, but that's like all of our sandwiches were very sweet. That's all I can say. But so I grew up really like my dad... So I'm one of three girls. I'm the last born, and my dad just always empowered the women in the house, and that goes to he was raised by a single mom, which was my grandma, who was the furniture maker and owner, and so female empowerment was just a thing. It was just empowering our voice in general, not because we're female, but just because we're a person.
And that just kind of bred this within me that I can believe parts of myself that I'm capable. I am capable of doing things, and pursuing, and dreaming, and so I went to an all-girl school. I know a lot about women. Family of girls. I went to an all-girl school. It was a boarding school. I was a day student and just was not really good at academics. I learned pretty quickly in fifth grade I was pretty bad at it, and I'd rather be dreaming and creating with my hands and writing.
I mean, I was a journaler since I was 12, so I have over 100 journals now. So writing poetry, and feelings, and thoughts, and observations is always something that I did, and that's the other thing that my dad bred was just be honest with your thoughts, be honest with your thought life, and my mom also was an example of that. So I grew up with some incredible parents that just empowered us to come into our own. But even then, I was confused on what it was that I wanted to do, because I didn't go to college. I wasn't really sure. I knew I had dreams, but I didn't know if any of them were tangible. And after I graduated high school, I left the family business.
So it was kind of like all of us girls grew up at showrooms, furniture showrooms in High Point, North Carolina, and we were setting up all... I mean, we traveled with my dad in his box truck, and we smelled like furniture blankets most of the time and saw dust. We all... and dust furniture, and knew what types of products to use at too young of an age. So I knew I wanted to do something, but I wasn't sure exactly what it was that I wanted to do. So that kind of gives you a little bit of my background and my history of my upbringing
Warwick Fairfax:
Yeah. Seems like one of the other things I read is you also had a love of music that kind of is one of the strands that led to what you do, at least to a degree. So just talk about where music falls. I mean, I get you're an entrepreneur, but where does music fall in that kind of Eryn Eddy things I love to do kind of mix?
Eryn Eddy:
Yeah. Music came... My grandfather was a musician. He played guitar and sang, and he had his own vinyl record, and he produced hymns. I actually have his vinyl record from when he recorded, and so music definitely came from my grandfather, and about 15, I got involved at a church and started singing, and then I started doing cover songs, and then I started discovering, "Oh, I have a good voice." And people like it. They respond to it. They are surprised by it. It's a little bit deeper, soulful voice, and I'm 4'11, so people are like, "Oh, wow." It kind of surprises them what comes out, and with my love for poetry and my interest in learning how I can use my vocal chords, I started to just dream a little bit about recording my own music instead of doing other people's songs. I wondered if I was capable of recording, and that was after I graduated high school.
So I started as an... Well, I started doing grunt work at a nonprofit. I begged them for this job. While I'm doing that, I'm doing music by night, so I'm recording music, writing songs, coming up with a band. I was newly married, and I remember when I decided to go from singing cover songs to singing my original work, I was terrified. And I think anybody listening that's ever pursued something creatively, I think they'll understand this. I was terrified because it would be my original stuff, which made me more susceptible to people judging me, and if it was somebody else's song, they can judge it, and they can listen to it or not, but because it's my own, they can look at it, and pick it apart, and they're picking apart parts of my soul. It's my writing. It came out of me.
So I learned that I amidst that, despite that, I loved singing, and I loved writing, and so I got a little bit more vulnerable and a little bit more vulnerable, recording, playing shows, and then just looking at doors that I could walk through that would be willing to put my music on television shows and commercials, and that's just kind of how my music career started taking shape. I was newly married and because of that, I didn't want to go on tour, because I knew tour life would be really hard being newly married. So I'm like, "Okay, there's another way that I can make this sustainable, where I can be at my house, and that was when I started getting into licensing my music.
Warwick Fairfax:
And it seemed like, I mean, you were very successful. You I guess had a bunch of music tracks on Tumblr, which obviously at the time was one of the apps of choice for music. And I think you were commercials and did some tracks for Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I mean, you were really doing terrifically, so it would seem like, gosh, Eryn Eddy has this great story. She's an entrepreneur. She was successful, is successful. What a great story, right?
Eryn Eddy:
Yeah.
Warwick Fairfax:
It sounds fantastic. It sounds like a sort of a Disneyland picture.
Eryn Eddy:
People thought I was killing it, Warwick. Well, I signed with VH1, MTV, Lifetime, Oxygen channel for my music, and that happened just so organically. I just put myself out there and just walked through doors, honestly, that just flew open, and I don't want to say I just was lucky. I think I was just strategic in where I was placing my energy, and I think people will see as "overnight success." I just don't believe it's an overnight thing, because I think it started when I started to be vulnerable in my journals at 12 that I finally got to have some music on television and be licensed to commercials and things like that in my mid-twenties.
So I had my music blog on Tumblr and put my home address on my Tumblr blog, and I asked people, I said, "Mail me your personal shirt. I'll spray paint an empowering phrase," because all my music was empowering. So just kind of went in with this concept of me creating music and talking to my fans through my blog. I was like, "Hey, mail me one of your shirts. I'll spray paint that you're so worth loving, and I'll mail it back to you for free." And I was doing that with my business is now, So Worth Loving. So I thought I was going to do music 100%, but that wasn't the case. There were bigger plans, and So Worth Loving, spray painting t-shirts for free, and reminding people of their worth and their love, that they're loved, and receiving people's shirts that just came into my mailbox.
I was so surprised that people needed to be reminded of this message. That's what I realized. This is something so much bigger than music. This is a lifestyle and a way of thinking, and I want to remind people of that for the rest of my life.
Warwick Fairfax:
Let's talk about that phrase, because in the book you write there were some other things you were trying to play with like, "You are beautiful. Shine bright." You say that you feel like it's divinely inspired. So talk about what made you center on So Worth Loving? Because shine bright and you are beautiful, I mean, obviously I think you're... I mean, so worth loving is just epically fantastic. I mean, it's just incredible, but why that phrase versus a number of other positive phrases you could have written on a T-shirt?
Eryn Eddy:
It's a great question. I had to get to the root of why I even wanted to empower and encourage other people. So when I started playing with phrases, I was like, "Well, why do I want to tell people that they're beautiful, or that they don't shine too bright, or they're not too much?" One the reasons why I wanted to remind people in general something encouraging and empowering was because I was so encouraged and empowered when people believed in my art and wanted to share it. It was such a gift to me. I couldn't believe people were sharing my music, and it was going viral, and it was being picked up. What an honor.
And so when it came to me wanting to remind somebody else, and gift them belief, and remind them of something that is true about who they are, I got down to it that they're loved, and they're not just loved. They're worthy of being loved, and they're worthy of making healthy choices for themselves. And the one thing that I learned and have continued to learn in my journey is that when we believe that we're worth loving, and we're worthy of love, the decisions that we make are different. Relationships that we go into, relationships that we say, "Yes," and, "No," to, in dating, and friendship, the boundaries that we put in place with our parents, the careers that we choose or don't choose because we don't believe we're deserving, or we do believe that we're worthy. And so I think these words, I can craft all of this so eloquently now, but then I think the root was that I just wanted to remind people that they're not just worth loving. They are absolutely so worth loving.
And it just came to my mind almost like a pressing whisper that wasn't of me. And I remember thinking, "Wow, that has to already exist," because that's how powerful it impacted me when it came to my mind, and it wasn't because I was so smart. I definitely believe it was outside of myself is where these words came from. When I started thinking, "Why do I want to remind people that they're beautiful? Well, I want to actually remind them that they're loved. Why do I want to remind them that they're loved? Because they're worthy of love. Well, why do I want to remind them that they're worthy of..." So it just was like this progression.
And I just remember Googling, as any entrepreneur does, going to Google and being like, "Are all the domains available, and where can I... Have I seen this on a billboard, and is this in my subconscious?" I thought maybe this is in my subconscious, and I've seen it somewhere, or I have a shirt that already says this, and none of it existed. And I thought, "This is so much bigger than me, and this is something that I'm to steward, and learn how to do that, and go through the ups and downs."
Gary Schneeberger:
And one of the things I love when you and I talked first is you mentioned that there are a number of lifestyle brands out there whose mottoes are good, whose slogans are good, but they tend to be rooted in actions people should take. I, for instance, walking through an airport bought a hat that says, "Be good to people," right? But it's an action you take. Where you landed, where you wanted to land is at a place that is not an action someone takes, but a truth that they accept, which as you expressed it, sort of moved you even more than the poetry of the words, this idea that they don't have to do anything. You are loved because you are loved.
That's a critical piece of this, and I want to ask this question, because the series here is called Burn the Ships, right? We're trying to spotlight folks who've been courageous enough for whatever reason to pivot off of what they had thought they were going to do, and they went somewhere else. You pivoted from music into this brand, So Worth Loving. I have to believe those things are connected a little bit. If you didn't internalize that you were so worth loving, that probably would've been a more difficult pivot, wouldn't it?
Eryn Eddy:
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, and I think for the long longest time, I actually... One of the reasons why I wanted to gift this phrase to other people and remind them was because I can look back and go, "I actually really, really struggled with believing that I had value, and an offering, and that I had a purpose," and it came from some childhood stuff with a relative and words that were spoken over me. So I think in some ways as much as I was gifting other people, because I believe that for my friends and for people I don't know, I also think that I just desperately wanted to believe it about myself, that I was worthy of love, and that I didn't have to perform, and I didn't have to look a certain way or be a certain way in order to be loved and in order to have an offering or value.
Which is interesting because when I look back, on my childhood with my mom and my dad, as y'all heard earlier, my dad empowered us, and it just goes to show that if we don't pay attention to these little lies, whether it's something that society says over us, whether it's a lie that someone spoke over us that sounded so true, and you could almost confirm the lie, which I have found myself doing. I will have confirmed a lie with another lie, but it feels so true. I think that I can look back and go, "I had done that a lot. I made a lot of agreements with lies that weren't true, and I desperately wanted to believe that I was worthy of love."
Warwick Fairfax:
One of the things we talk about all the time on Beyond the Crucible and I talk about is that often our purpose comes out of the ashes of your crucible. You're so passionate about So Worth Loving because it feels like for so many years you struggled to believe that about yourself, and even as you were launching it, I think I read it wasn't like you felt like you were quite there yet, but maybe it's aspirational. You're on the journey, and so you wanted other people to feel what you were trying to feel, and I just think of the reverse, as you were saying. If you think that you are not worth loving, that you're broken, that you're awful, that you're ugly, that you are unwanted, almost biblically a Leper, unclean, then that leads to a lot of bad choices, bad thoughts. It just leads to a very dark place.
Eryn Eddy:
I love what you shared earlier. It was So Worth Loving, as much as I started it, it wasn't because I had arrived to believe that I was worthy of love, but it was that I wanted to remind other people, partially because I wanted to believe it about myself, partially because I wasn't as connected to my story. So it was easier for me to communicate it. And now it's ironically, it's easier and it's harder because I now know what it's like to be on the other... It's like there's a lamenting and a pain that comes attached to that phrase that back then there wasn't that to the same level of depth. Does that make sense?
Warwick Fairfax:
It does. I feel like we're all on a journey, but you believe that now. You believe Eryn Eddy is so worth loving, right?
Eryn Eddy:
Yeah.
Warwick Fairfax:
I mean, I think it's hard as humans, hard to be there 100%, because we all have doubts, and fears, and anxieties, but vastly more than years ago, that would be true that you really do believe that. I'm not just making light of it. It's not just a t-shirt. It's something you believe about yourself.
Eryn Eddy:
Yeah. So after my divorce, you would think that it's like, "Okay, I'm now worth loving," this like... And that was not the case for me. I actually dove into dating really quickly, destructive choices, just when I say that when you believe you're worthy of love, the decisions that you make look different. They do. And so they look different if you don't believe it, and they look different if you do believe it. And for me, I didn't believe it, and so I ran away from myself. I didn't want to be with just myself. I wanted to be with other people. I didn't know what it was like to be independent, and love, and value just me. I mean, I met my former husband when I was 17, and I was married by 21, so singleness was really uncomfortable for me.
And in addition, I had a lot of baggage of lies that I believed about myself, and then stuff that came within the marriage of being on the other side of another person and their lack of believing that they are loved and the decisions that they chose because of that lack of love. And so it wasn't until I got exhausted of my own choices and not believing. I remember there was a night I was burned out. I was burned out on work, friendship, dating, life. I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to hurt myself, but I didn't want to exist because everything around me just felt like it was crushing me, and I could not imagine anything getting better anytime soon. And I remember taking a bath and sinking into the tub where my face is just showing. If any women are listening, I don't know how many men take baths like this, but they just...
Warwick Fairfax:
I hear you.
Eryn Eddy:
I just sunk into the tub, and my thoughts were so loud, and I just sat there, and I was just like, "Gosh, I want everything to be different. How do I get out of this? How do I change my life?" And changing my life was believing that I'm valued, and that I'm loved, and that I have purpose. And when I believe that, I actually can serve, and be selfless, and be active in community, and show up, and just show up in hard spaces. For so long I had battled with So Worth Loving people believing that self-love is selfish, and so it's the actual complete opposite. It's when you know you're valued, and you know that you're loved, you do show up differently in your friends' lives, and in your community, and in your family with compassion and grace, and you're not flinched by somebody going through something.
You can be there for them because you've been there for you. And that moment was the awakening for me of it, and my life did not get better once I decided to believe I was worthy of love. I had to go through a lot of stuff in order, therapy was one of them, to believe it, but that's kind of how So Worth Loving became awakened within me and me believing it.
Warwick Fairfax:
So what was the key to that? Because I get it, you had these negative self-talk, performance, it sounds like some challenging things with your first husband. And then I think you wrote in the book there was, I don't know, a year or so after the divorce, there was a relationship where the guy says, "I can't get there," or something, and then rejection after rejection. It's like, "How much do they want to pile on me?" It's like come on. I mean, it's just mountains. I mean, what was the key, the anchor that started you believing that you were worth loving? What was that key for you?
Eryn Eddy:
Well, the relationship, the first chapter I talk about how it was my first serious relationship out of my divorce, and I was with my former husband for about 13 years. So it was this relationship there was... Basically when it came to an end, and all my baggage I talk about comes forward, and I remember I wanted to be with him, so badly wanted to be with this relationship that ended, when he told me, "I just can't get there, Eryn." I just remember thinking, "Where is there? Where is there? Does that mean you can't get to loving me?" And so I was crushed by those words, "I can't get there."
And I remember after that, "I can't get there," I wanted to be with him, but I couldn't, because he didn't want to be with me. I didn't want to date anybody else. So I'm stuck with me, and I didn't want to be with me. I wanted to be with him, and that was when that was the moment where it was like, "Oh. Eryn, why don't you want to be with you? What is wrong with you?" Not like what is wrong with you, but also maybe, but what do you think is so wrong with you that you can't just enjoy you?
And so I decided, I committed to taking a year off dating, and date myself, and get to know myself, and treat myself with kindness, and that looked like not drinking a bottle of wine by myself. It looked like crawling out of bed to brush my teeth, which was a big feat for me, because I fell into this state of depression, and the depression really was this... I remember my therapist telling me it was suppressed anger. I was so angry, and I had been performing my way through anger and ignoring and denying it. I suppressed all this. And the anger was I'm mad at him for doing this. I'm mad at them for saying this. I'm mad at me for doing this. I'm mad.
It was like I was so angry, but I'm a very optimistic, naturally glass full, not empty type of personality, and so it was hard for me to get to my anger and access it. And so once I gave myself permission to get angry, that to me communicated to me that my feelings mattered, so whoever told me that my feelings didn't, I'm telling myself that they do. And that was on my path to discovering and recognizing that I am worthy of love, and I'm worthy to get to know, and I can do that with just me. And part of it, part of my story is there's a faith component.
I remember crying out to God in that moment in the bathtub with the water kind of half covering my face, just crying out and being like, "God, if you are who you say you are, where were you in all of this stuff that happened? Where were you when they did this? Where were you when she said that? Where were you when... Where were you?" And that permission to be angry at other people and the permission to be angry at God, because I was really angry at God, was the beginning of me to learning that I am worthy of love, and that I have value, and my feelings and who I am are worth getting to know, because God's didn't flinch when I did that.
Warwick Fairfax:
And maybe the realization that God really does love you and believing that.
Eryn Eddy:
Absolutely. It was His response to me was when I realized I can show up, and I can be my fullest self, and that looks like a mess with a lot of baggage and a lot of anger, and He shows me by His response for bringing... I get emotional talking about it, because it's so tender. Every time I talk about this part of my story, no matter how many interviews I've done on it, I cry.
Warwick Fairfax:
It's all good.
Eryn Eddy:
But He surrounded me with people that believed that I was worthy of love and mirrored back to me what I had struggled to believe, and He also just did some miraculous little things that are between me and Him that you can't unsee, and you cannot unbelieve.
Gary Schneeberger:
And around the same time, you're sending out these T-shirts, and you're getting letters from people. And talk a little bit about, I mean, what was in those letters, and what did those letters speak to you about how you were on the right path? You had taken a torch to your singing career in the sense of that wasn't your primary pursuit. So Worth Loving was your primary pursuit. You send out these t-shirts. You're at this place where you believe that you yourself are so worth loving. Now you're getting feedback from the people you're helping, from the community you've just begun to build. What was that like? What did you hear back from them, and how did that help you on your journey?
Eryn Eddy:
I love that question, because the So Worth Loving community is so brave because the So Worth Loving community is so vulnerable, and I think it's just in order to be vulnerable, you are brave. And so I would receive letters of people telling me why they felt unworthy of love, whether it was that their father never hugged them all growing up in their childhood, and they just... Affection, physical affection. They felt like they were undeserving of somebody just giving an embrace, a hold, a hug, to stories of people telling me... I remember one of the women on our team, she's served on our team for about nine years, and her story is absolutely beautiful, and she was one of the first letters I'd ever received. And she was sexually abused at 11. She was raped at 12. She had an abortion from her rape, and she had overcome an eating disorder, suicidal ideation, and self harm, and she has just a resiliency.
And I think that's what I saw in a letter, whether it was my dad never hugged me, or whatever it may be, whether it was "severe" or not severe to that person, it's not for us to decide what is severe, and what's not, and that's one thing that I saw, because regardless, it's crushing, and your circumstance does hurt, and it aches, and it tells you something about yourself, whether there's a truth that comes to it or a lie that comes to it, but what I learned was that there's this resiliency that takes place in any story that we've ever received, and what's within resiliency is questions, and the question is, "Am I worthy of love?" And then it's trying to understand why you are, and I think that is so brave, and that's what So Worth Loving gifted me, because I saw all these stories of people questioning, asking questions, and processing something that hurt them and harmed them, whether it was a lie, like I said earlier. They're looking at it in the face.
And so for me, in my moment of just burnout, and breakdown, and not wanting to exist anymore, I can reflect back and go, "Our community would look at it in the face and be scared doing it, and then address it, and ask questions, and go on the journey of healing." And that's what So Worth Loving community modeled for me. They taught me, our community, which is everybody, because everybody is worthy of love. So we're not this exclusive crew. It's just what has evolved over the last decade. They taught me to look at it, and be curious, and ask questions with safe people, and that's why I say I've seen people have conversations with safe individuals and groups, and I've seen lives transformed because of it, and that transformed my life with that being modeled for me.
Warwick Fairfax:
And what does it feel like when people say, "Eryn," as I'm sure they do, "You've changed my life. You've helped me. You've given me a drop of grace when I didn't believe it. I didn't believe I was worth loving, and I believed I shouldn't exist, but I believe maybe I do. Maybe I am worth loving,"? What does it do to you when people say, "You've changed my life," because I'm sure people have said that to you?
Eryn Eddy:
I have heard those words, and I have had a hard time receiving them due to the fact that I don't believe that I invented worth, or value, or love. And so there's a piece of me that struggles with embracing that, but in the same lane, I also am very honored that my messiness and my baggage is being redeemed by me being vulnerable, and sharing my struggles and my failures, and seeing a life being changed out of what I thought was going to ruin me, and what I thought I couldn't ever come out of. When somebody says my story has changed them, my response is always, "All of our stories change each other. I just have an opportunity to be vocal about it in the space that I'm being placed in."
That's what's so beautiful about each of our stories is I think there's a stewardship to it, because we all struggle with believing something that can be a slow drip to seeing our value and our worth, and we don't drift into a healthy direction. I really believe that. We don't just drift to it. It's like an accumulation of things that we believe about ourselves is how we go into a space of health.
Gary Schneeberger:
I'm going to jump in, Warwick, before you say what you're going to say, because I saw you with that look of recognition on your face.
I would not be serving the listeners to this podcast well, as well as I want to, if I didn't point out what to me is breathtakingly obvious. The stories that you're telling, Eryn, and the stories that Warwick has shared on this show over close to 150 episodes are incredibly similar. I'm reading from your webpage, "We exist to remind you that no matter your history, past mistakes, career choice, relationship status, or the history you've come from, you are worthy of love." That could be with a slight modification at the end, none of that defines you, that could be on Beyond the Crucible website. The words that you use to describe your experiences are remarkably similar, and your stories are remarkably dissimilar.
That's the beauty of this forum. That's the beauty of recognizing that your worst moment doesn't define you. Your worst feelings about yourself don't define you. Some things just are, and So Worth Loving is one thing that just is just as being able to move beyond your crucible just is if you learn the lessons, and you apply it. So I'm done pontificating on behalf of the listener, and I turn it back over to you, Warwick, the host.
Warwick Fairfax:
No. Well, well said Gary, extremely well said. Obviously, I've been thinking that the whole time I read the book and the whole time we've been talking, but obviously I wanted you to share your story and not me just go on, but I mean, I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I mean, to me, part of my journey has been a journey of self-acceptance, a journey that I'm okay. I know that somebody wrote a song a long time ago, I think maybe it was a Christian song called Broken and Beautiful, something like that, and then that theme has obviously come up elsewhere.
And I love that phrase because for me as, again, listeners would know growing up in a large family media business, heir apparent, my notion was my desire is irrelevant. It's all about duty and living up to my parents', especially my father's dreams, and working hard at school, getting good grades, Oxford, Wall Street, Harvard Business School, I mean all about... None of it was about my own desires. It was all about fulfilling what I thought was a sacred duty. I mean, not to go on too much, but the company was founded by a believer, the strongest businessman for Christ as I have ever come across. Now, the faith became more traditional with the generations, so then when it all ended and after my $2 million takeover failed, and my wife is American, we moved to America in the early nineties, there was this sense of how could I have been so dumb, and incredible self incrimination, and how could I have caused this much damage?
And so for me, it was coming to a sense of self-acceptance. It's okay to be me. Yes, I've made some mistakes. I have my quirks. When things like that happen, it does have consequences. There's damage. I'm pretty functional. I had my own share of counseling, but part of the journey that we all go through is just being comfortable in our own skins, being comfortable with who we are. Obviously, for you, you write about this, being comfortable being a slight build and 4'11, and you probably are now, but there was a time in which why couldn't I been a tad taller, 5'3, 5'4, 5'2, something? So I get it. I mean for me, without boring with it all, I'm not unathletic, but I've never really been an athlete.
It's funny, when we first got married, my wife was one of six, so she is four brothers and a sister, and they're all over six feet, and they're athletes, and it's like that was not me. So fortunately my wife, Gail, that wasn't high on her list to marry some six foot plus athlete, fortunately, but I'm somebody that I don't like competition. A lot of guys just razzing each other and having a bet on a dollar hole in golf, I hate that. So there's things about me that feel like, "Well, I don't know any guy that's like me that hates competition." Maybe there are. We don't need to psychoanalyze it.
I'm sure there are reasons, but it's like I'm now over 60. It's like that's okay. I have areas where I'm broken. There are things I hate doing, like I don't like competition. I don't like that whole sort of thing. That's okay. I can live with that. I'm not going to go into intense therapy to try and heal my anti competitiveness. That's okay. It's okay. I've accepted it. There was a time when I just felt terrible about myself over things like that, over lies. So anyway, enough about me, but I guess part of the journey for all of us is just self-acceptance that I am worth loving, that I am okay. I mean, I'm blessed to be married to a girl I met a lot of years ago. We've been married over 30 years, and I accept her. She accepts me, and I mean, that's just an indescribable gift that every day, and obviously that's where I tear up. There's not one day that I don't say, "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, God." Not one day.
Again, too much talking. My dad was married three times, my mother twice, so I don't take that for granted. So anyway, all that's to say is there's this notion of being broken but beautiful. Yes, we have our quirks, we have our issues, but yet God still loves us. We are worth loving despite our brokenness. Does that make sense? And forgive the long-winded explanation, but does that make sense, Eryn?
Eryn Eddy:
Absolutely. That's so beautiful. That's so beautifully said. And self-acceptance, you're right. It's like if we can just go, "This is just how I am, and there's nothing wrong with that." As hard as I will work to be structured, I'm just not wired that way, and my sweet man is very structured, and I'm grateful that he just accepts the fact that I am a little bit messy, but you're right, self-acceptance. When you shared just being with somebody that can accept you for who you are, they model what you want to do for yourself, and it's to accept who you are, and to not have to explain it. You're right. I mean, I stopped growing in fifth grade, and that's probably when - I repeated fifth grade too, so a lot happened in fifth grade. Lots of things happened in me desiring to be taller, or look a certain way, or be wired mentally a certain way, that if we can all just go, "You know what? Whatever society says is the best of the best is not true," we can have more freedom to embrace who we are.
Gary Schneeberger:
We're at a point in the show where I normally say, "The captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign, which indicates it's about time to land the plane, but we're not quite there yet." Because the title of the series is Burn the Ships, I've got to think of a better metaphor involving captains of ships. I don't know what they do when it's time to dock, but I'll research that for the next time. Two things I want to say before I then hand it back over to Warwick. One is this, I've co-hosted with Warwick about 145, 148 of these, and I'm going to end saying something to you, and I'm going to do it without looking at my notes, and I want to look right in your face and tell you this. When you burned your ships, you lit the seas for others, and that is a beautiful, beautiful, important, resonant thing. Please absorb that, because that's come through loud and clear in this conversation.
Eryn Eddy:
Thank you so much, Gary. I receive that. I'm going to have you email that to me too, so I can write that down, because that was beautiful.
Gary Schneeberger:
I will do that. The other thing that I have to end on here before I get off stage, as it were, is I would be absolutely remiss if I did not give our listeners the opportunity to hear from you how they can find out more about So Worth Loving. So where can they find you in the worldwide web? How can they get ahold of you and find out more about So Worth Loving?
Eryn Eddy:
Yeah. They can go to Soworthloving.com. And then we're all on social media. It's all So Worth Loving, and then I'm a co-host to a podcast called God Hears Her where we talk about conversations and questions on if God actually hears us, and that's been a real joy of mine as well. So you can find us there too, or me, find me there. You can also find me, Eryn Eddy, E-R-Y-N E-D-D-Y on Instagram, Facebook, all those places.
Gary Schneeberger:
Awesome. Well, as a bravo for co-hosts of a podcast, bravo for us, because I finally met another co-host that's excellent. Warwick, as the host, it's your prerogative to take us home, to land the plane, so take it away.
Warwick Fairfax:
Well, Eryn, thank you so much. I mean, this is really inspiring. Your book was inspiring. I could relate to so much of it, certainly in my own life. I imagine in yours there are words like redemption, healing, I don't know, acceptance. There's all sorts of words. I mean we all have even as we're doing well, there are still days in which maybe we fall off the wagon, if you will, or a bad thought comes in, a lie, and we now have tools to deal with it, so we bounce back a little quicker, hopefully, but I mean, I feel like your story is one of redemption, is calling lies what they are, lies, being able to use your brokenness, your wounds to help others, and that to me is where it's really a purpose of God, purpose filled journey.
I remember early on in my walk back in the early nineties, a friend gave me this... It was a faith-based book. I think it was... Somehow I remember the author, R.T. Kendall. It was about the story of Joseph, and there's that famous line at the end of, I don't know, it's like Genesis 50, somewhere around there in which it says, "They meant it for evil, but God meant it for good," and obviously some would know the backstory is Joseph's brothers threw him literally in a pit, and then he was sold into slavery, and went to Egypt, and ended up being the pharaoh's right-hand man, prime minister, if you will, but God had a purpose with that pain, and I think God had a purpose and the pain I went through, and clearly from my faith perspective, God had a purpose in the pain that you've gone through.
You think how many women, how many people wouldn't have been helped if you hadn't gone through. So if you say, "Well, why don't I have to go through all this?" Well, maybe we see through a glass dimly. Maybe you'll get a fuller answer one day. I think you will. And look at all the people that you've helped, and that was my purpose, and the sense that just how much healing and hope, and that's part of why I do what I do and you do what you do is I share what I've been through not to sort of wallow in gloom and darkness, but just to try and give people hope.
And so people are going to be listening to this and say, "If Eryn can come back from what she's been through, maybe there is hope. Maybe I am worth loving." So as we sometimes often do just, there may be people listening, women, men, who may feel like today is their worst day. They may feel like, "Nobody loves me. I'm not worth loving. I will never be worth loving. I'm broken. I'm awful. I shouldn't exist." What word of hope would you give to that person? Maybe today's their worst day. Maybe they think "There's no way I could ever be worth loving." What word of hope would you give that person?
Eryn Eddy:
To the person that's listening right now that is in that headspace of just feeling like they don't want to exist, maybe feeling completely weighted down by the choices that they've made, or words that somebody said over them, or a circumstance that they're currently in, I do want to remind that person that this moment right now is temporary. It's not your forever, and there are safe people around you that want to help carry the weight, and you can't do it alone, and you aren't alone. And I just want to remind that person that celebrate the little victories, and don't be critical or hard on yourself if you can't... What feels like would be a big step, and you can't do the big step, don't worry about the big step. Do the small steps, because the small steps will be an accumulation of a big step.
And so that could look like it's hard to get out of bed. Make a goal to get out of bed and brush your teeth, and let that be the victory today. Wherever you are right now, and whatever you choose right now is enough, and keep making small steps, and find the safe people to share, so that they can help carry the weight. And I would just remind them too, that they are absolutely worthy of love. They are valued, and they have a place here in this world, and we want you to take up space, because you are worthy to do that just as you are right now in your mess.
Gary Schneeberger:
I have been in the communications business long enough, way longer than enough to know when the last word on the subject has been spoken, and, Eryn Eddy, you've just spoken it. Listener, until the next time we're together, remember we are in the midst of a series that we're calling Burn the Ships, and there's a central truth that came out of this conversation with Eryn that will come out of the conversations we have subsequent to this, and that's this, if your ships are not sailing in the direction you wish they were sailing, if you feel like you are drifting off course, light a match. We'll see you next week.
Hi, friends. You heard during that show Warwick and I talk about our e-course, Discover Your Second-Act Significance. We wanted to give you one more chance before this week is over to sign up for that course if you're interested. All you have to do is go to Secondactsignificance.com, and as a bonus, if you go before the end of February, you'll save 23% off the price of the course. Just input the code 23 for 23. We hope you enjoy it, and we'll see you next week.