November 2018 - Beyond the Crucible by Warwick Fairfax

A World Lacking Authenticity

When you grow up amidst wealth and power as I did in a large family media business in Australia, you don’t always see a lot of authenticity. Amongst the rich and powerful, there can be a temptation to be who others want you to be. Outgoing, confident, in charge. Someone who has all the answers. Someone who can appear caring, but has the ability to not linger too long in any one conversation.

It is this experience that drives my passion for authenticity.

Putting on Airs

One of my highest values, along with humility and integrity,is authenticity. One of my most important goals in life is to be who I truly am, who I was designed to be. I don’t want to pretend to be anyone else. Like anyone I have my strengths and weaknesses. I have character traits that I am grateful to have and some I wished I didn’t have. But regardless, I want to be who I am. I want to be authentic.

I am reminded of a motto of the private boys school, Cranbrook, that I attended in Sydney, “Esse quam videri,” which means ‘to be rather than to seem.’ Growing up I often saw examples of ‘to seem rather than to be.’ People putting on airs to impress others and to create the appearance of self assured success.

It touched a deep nerve within me. I did not want to be like that. But who was I? It look me years to figure this out, to figure out who my true self was. It is not that I ever tried to be someone else. But growing up amidst the spotlight, often being around famous and prominent people, I was somewhat shy and diffident. Besides who I was and who I wanted to be seemed to be irrelevant questions. My calling in life, my duty was all laid out and was clear. I had to prepare myself to one day take a leading position within the large family media company. So I studied hard and did well in school. I went to Oxford like my father and other relatives before me, worked in banking on Wall Street and graduated from Harvard Business School. All to prepare myself for my future role.

But after my failed takeover bid, when I ended up losing control of the family media company, and moved to America, I started asking some difficult questions. Who was I? Was it OK to be me? What should I do now?

Who am I designed to be?

It has been a journey to fully understand who I was and who I was designed to be. In my case, it took quite a while. First to understand how I was wired, how I was designed. I was not the hard charging take no prisoners executive that I felt at the time that the family company needed. I am more of a reflective adviser. I would often prefer to listen and understand than to pontificate. I would rather advise and consult than be the leading figure in the middle of the action.

And second, to value myself as I was designed. It was tempting to feel bad about my gifts and talents, that I did not measure up to what was needed in the family company – that my design was lacking. But over time, I have realized that being a reflective adviser — rather than a hard charging corporate executive — was unique and valuable. There is peace in knowing your own design and that peace can give clarity in how to best apply your design.

So now, I try to lead a truly authentic life in light of my design. I try to be who I am. I serve others and lead a life of significance, though my writing, my executive coaching and through the advise I give being on two non-profit boards. I try to be involved in organizations whose missions I truly care about. I seek out opportunities where my design as a reflective advisor is beneficial and valued.

I am now at peace with who I am and do not yearn to be someone else. But it has been a journey.

Reflection

Are you truly being authentic to how you were designed?

Can you accept that it is OK to be you and not someone else?

What calling that you are passionate about would be best served by who you truly are?

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What is authenticity?

In this age of Hollywood stars, celebrities and athletes, we often long to be someone else. We long to be taller, more beautiful, more handsome, smarter, more self assured, more athletic. Anything but who we are. Taken to its extreme this desire to be someone else can even descend into self loathing.

It takes great courage to be authentic, to cast off your mask and be who you truly are. It can feel scary. It can make you feel vulnerable. It is one thing for people to dislike or discount the fake you, the one with a mask, but it is far more threatening if people reject the real you, the authentic you.

Why is authenticity so important?

To be successful, to lead a life of significance, we have to know who we are. The Greeks had a phrase, Know Yourself. We have to know what we are good at —our strengths —and what we are not good at —our weaknesses. We all come out of the box a certain way, with our own unique design. We may be born extroverted or introverted, athletic or artistic. We may be drawn to the sciences (such as math, biology, physics), or we may love the humanities (such as history, literature, music). We are often tempted to shore up our weaknesses, areas we are not good at. But our time would be better spent honing and refining our strengths, what we are good at.

We can then ask what profession, what calling that can help us lead a life of significance, something that helps others, should we pursue. In essence we are asking what calling should we pursue that is based on how we are designed.

From my perspective, God made us for a reason. He gave us a certain design to serve a greater good. Why would we even think of rejecting the design that we have been given?

Living and leading in light of our design to follow a calling that serves a higher purpose, is far more fulfilling. That is what being truly authentic is all about. What others think about who we should be and what we should do is not as relevant. What matters is living and leading in light of who we are.

How do I understand my design?

The first step that usually leads to our identity in life is not, “I know who I am.” It’s usually, “I know who I am not.” Process of elimination. Defining ourselves by what we are not, is the first step that leads us to really know who we are. And it’s usually in the wake of a crucible moment that you start to ask those questions of “who am I,” “who am I not,” “what does success mean to me”.

There are a number of tools out there to help us figure out who we are: Myers Briggs, DISC, Strengths Finder. We can also ask friends, family and colleagues who know us well about what we are good at (our strengths) and what we are not good at (our weaknesses). We can look at the course of our lives and look at the times in our life where we enjoyed what we were doing and were good at it. The SIMA Map, another good assessment, is a good tool that helps us do that.

Even without all these tools which can be helpful, we often have a sense of who we are, what we are good at, and what we are not good at. What we enjoy. What we don’t enjoy. We often ignore what we know to be true about who we are to make others happy. We often follow a career path that others say makes sense for us.

We have a far greater chance of being successful, of living a life that serves others, if we live a life that is in line with who we are and how we are designed. Living in light of who we are not leads to a life of frustration and does not make a whole lot of sense. Being who we were destined to be, being truly authentic — that is a successful life. That is living a life of significance.